Friday, May 25, 2018



* Joe Pera's work is genuine, gentle, grandfatherly, and.........well, there's this air of New England sadness to the whole affair, a reservoir of deep longing and wasted wistfulness, a veneer of dry-blanketed unmitigated white rage just below the surface out of frame. let's see how this develops, i'm expecting Joe to tear off his sweater by season's end.

* i like Joe. i get Joe. Joe is a Yuper from the Upper Peninsula of Michigan. his demeanor suggests he doesn't do well teaching unruly kids choir but whatever. but you see it's all pretend, that's his character, Joe's really from New York which is where everyone is from.

* Joe holds his rocks funny this episode

* this makes sense, he's a teacher, he's knowledgable. there's no iron in my blood that's why i'm always so lethargic.

* Joe: what i'm saying is i didn't vote. also, that tv you see there is just a prop, teachers don't have time to watch tv.

* sorry, not the next endless Marvel trailer

* Joe: i'm not good with people. i dated one of my students' mom during the Christmas Special but that was a long time ago. i've since become a scientist who doesn't believe in love.

* Joe: who's this dog? i mean the dog, not you. i'm a young man but i walk like your grandfather.

* hey it's the Melskys! that family from the other special! they're gonna be regulars. i won't mention the word nullification, let's have some hope in these dark times.

* Joe: yeah i put up the FOR SALE sign. that was the day one of my students mysteriously disappeared. we searched all day and feared the worst by recess-bell end. turns out he was hiding in the tuba.

* Joe: my dog Gus has a better couch than me. okay i confess Gus put up the sign.

* Papa Melsky: i don't cook. i've never used an oven in my life. foreshadowing.

* Joe: miss, i'm not staring at your mom ass. i'm covering up the porn from the young one. not cos it's a groovy male from the '70s that's beside the point. when i worked for MTV, i was not doing well...

* Joe: we had Morgan Freeman doing this part but...

* Joe: i don't have nipples. but i still would. milk Robert De Niro's nipples.

* Joe: i'd be the bandleader to David Letterman if i had been raised in Thunder Bay. FUCK I was Letterman before Letterman!!!

* Joe: what i'm saying is the Hawaii lava deaths are tragic but nature was here first. walking across these cooled igneous rocks is my trip to Hawaii cos i earn a teacher's salary. the largest wood dome in existence is where i saw my favorite band Paul Shaffer. until the fire.

* bingo supplies: those small red circles of felt that are impossible to find

* Joe: bitch y u here?
Ma Melsky: it's a small town. there's one ice-cream parlor.
Joe: i'm sorry. i'm a punk. as you can see by the miniature mushroom button i wear. they call me The Thing i'm so rocky. i sit and think on my piano bench cos the piano in my house is a prop. is casual dining the same as casual sex? that topic will be covered next episode...

* Joe: i'm not Einstein but this show is Sopranos-quality. i'm single but i don't belong to any internet groups. birds live in airports to fuck with humans by shooting us dirty looks right before we board. i'm a vegetarian who doesn't eat Apple Jacks on Thanksgiving cos i'm feeding them to the turkeys on my yard.

* Joe: i hereby give these rocks to you my new family. watch out for that fat kid he seems the type that would chuck the rock at his neighbor.
Ma Melsky: that's my son. we got him a skateboard for Christmas.

* Joe's mom: can i stop working now, Joe? i'm still paying your bills.
Joe: not until my lawsuit settles. it's gonna take awhile, the New York courts are suddenly backed up.



* WARNING: DO NOT watch this episode while hungry. i did just that early Monday morning. next thing i know i'm driving around like a crazy person on the hot streets at midnight looking for a diner even though i do not have a car. thank you Denny's for your effortless 24 hours. i ate six breakfasts there before breakfast officially starts there at 4AM.

* is it a diner or a family restaurant? you have to know love for it to be a family restaurant.

* this is every lonely kidult's worst nightmare: what do you do when your stomach starts growling and your mom just kicked you out?

* fried toast? i can't believe in my 50 years i've never tried fried toast!

* we Yupers say nanners.

* i feel you, Joe. i get excited for breakfast whenever out, too. it's the Saturday-morning breakfast that is so stinging, the getting-up early Saturday cos you didn't have a good Friday night.

* the giant gumball machine is obviously paying last respects to Regular Show.

* Lex Luthor: i am a Midwesterner but i have a thick accent cos i'm an American. okay, guy. why can you afford to act like an idiot but i'd lose my job?

* Joe: everyone here is old but i'm still older than them in spirit. most settle for the 222: that's 222 eggs, any style. if you do them sunnyside-up you will die from runny-yolk ingestion. i need to build a breakfast grill in my house to avoid all this.

* Gene: gravy?
Joe: no i'm not into that particular sex game. i have to go to the bank this afternoon. to rob it.

* Gene: the Breakfast Crew can be dead individuals but those are those goth punks who hover around Denny's at midnight.

* Gene: we have our own name. it's like a video-game guild but i don't understand video games. i only use youtube for porn.
Gene's wife: don't come over here, Joe.
Joe: well you said please so i have to honor it.

* political junkie: Chris Cuomo is like the good Scaramucci.
sports nut: the Golden Knights are the greatest expansion team since the Browns. i fixed all those tennis matches to impress Steffi Graf. Andre Agassi was bald at birth.
ballbuster: you want your rocks back, Joe?
other guy: i can't be the token black but i own all the arcades in the U.P.
Joe: i no longer belong to that Amish community ever since it mysteriously disappeared one day.

* waitress: please seat yourself, i wouldn't be caught dead in this place. this is where my funeral's gonna be held.

* Joe: the spinning cake case distracts you from not noticing those aren't pie tins, they're UFOs. hey there's my student Drew! his idol is Alex P. Keaton.

* Joe: please i can't do the mother thing again, it's too easy and heartbreaking. Delgado, the teacher who disrupted the Royal Honeymoon and was banned from Botswana, is a distant relative of Meghan Markle. i don't know much about math, just enough to count my money.

* Joe: please, class, don't make fun of my manner, i have a fear of public speaking. i can't give away this green apple cos this is my dinner. i had to give it to my neighbor's daughter or the fat kid would throw rocks at my windows.

* Joe: eggs Benedict is too opulent for any day but Easter. but since i'm becoming a Benedictine monk...

* Pa Melsky: the perfect egg bite. not the already-established egg bite food. or the sex egg bite.

* oh, RYE toast. haven't had rye toast, either.

* Pa: not all purple jelly is grape. this jelly is Amethyst from Steven Universe.

* personally, i've never poured ketchup onto any breakfast food i've ever et. ketchup is for lunch.

* Ma Melsky: honey if you mess up this egg bite i want a divorce.

* Pa: I NEED A WIN!!!................sorry for the screaming outburst..............foreshadowing

* Joe: others have pussy power. i have pancake power................patties, links are for gays........
waitress: to drink?
Joe: a warm can of Sprite.
waitress: yeah that's basically coffee.

* i'd be remiss if i didn't mention Professor Jenny Baranick. it was here this time last year during the Christmas Special that the Miracle happened and she came back to us. we love you and miss you, wherever you are, Mon Capitaine *cue Q*


happy weekend, my babies. it's gonna be a lonely summer now that anime is gone. at least there's more Joe Pera on Sunday. or technically Monday.

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