Friday, May 18, 2018


just a bruised heel, everything will be fine.

tomorrow is gonna be hella double-booked. too much going on. shafts a lot of stuff. the Preakness is always the tricky one, the middle child. everything is still possible, alls that needs to happen is the right permutation of sugarcubes under the saddle of the Derby winner and make sure he or she wins and all the bookies and people go home happy. bookies in this new age of legal gambling don't anymore flick their quarter in the air by the corner whispering to you about if yous knows about that shipment of steaks. now they save that quarter to call their mother. and for the most part it works. it's about half the contending horses so there's a lot of space, nice and short so not much energy exerted. and the other horses are so admiring to have an actual Derby winner in their midst they get starstruck and forget to turn. it's the last one that gets ya...with all your hopes built up...but that's for another paragraph.

the Preakness has historically tried to compete with the Derby ad-wise and it's just not wise. they are who they are. they are the trailer-park to the Derby's portico. the gas to their gazebo. they've tried everything, that dude in the horse costume who was like a superhero minotaur freak or something. even a naked Conor McGregor straddling an even nakedier horse, that works for everybody. astride fair Astrid. Conor would have been rejected by King Arthur's Court for not being British enough. he would have converted the Roundtable into an octagon.

and what is Tina Fey thinking momently? as a mom? i mean this is also the season finale of SNL, it's a BFD. will everyone be too drunk to concentrate on the layered skits? will there will a wedding sketch? there has to be, and knowing Lorne's bookie skills Meghan Markle herself will crash the Weekend Update desk. Tina will try to concentrate on making more purchases with her American Express card even though she's Canadian. she's not Canadian? i always thought she was Canadian, she has that Canadian vibe to her. she's so whipsmart that when she talks her brilliant brain runs faster than her mouth could ever move so her voice comes out in this soft staccato where she always sounds like she's slightly drunk.

Meghan Markle continues to impress. she's gonna go down that ancient aisle all, "i'm a strong independent woman in 2018 living in a post-Jordan Peele world. i don't need no man!" and Harry will be all in the corner like, "you know, it's true, respec, she doesn't, i dated her" in his cute bashful accent. she'll throw her bouquet up in the air and it'll travel transatlantic all the way to her dad's bed:

Thomas Markle, clutching his bedsheets: you know, there is no cure for a broken heart.

and now: bean dip. spoilers: this will be an example of one of my nightly night terrors. believe it or not, i never tried bean dip before. for me it was always ALWAYS salsa. but last week was a breakthrough. i bought some family-size Fritos large scoops and went to town, scooping the hella that delicious curd paste. it's not surprising i enjoyed it, i'm in love with Taco Bell. i did it cold and i did it hot, i go both ways. not too hot in the microwave or it burns the roof of your mouth like street pizza. beans beans the magical fruit. and then i checked the label of the bean dip and it was Fritos brand label bean dip! that coincidence in the universe made me so happy. but then i had nightmares that night from the bean dip. about seven-layer dip. i don't trust the number 7 it is too illuminati. too many layers. the bean dip rose from the bowl and shaped into a wave in the transatlantic ocean. the wave was its giant gaping mouth and it was gonna eat me! then i got woke. the seven-layer dip simply had seven layers of clothing on. it wanted to give me its layers to keep me warm and comforted on a humid summer night. it gave me everything: its sweater, coat, scarf, sweatshirt, hairshirt for penance, beanie, and goofy-print underwear of tomatoes. it swallowed me whole but that's just its way of hugging.


it's tricky this time. you have to go down to The Contenders and slide that sucker to the right for all 'em. like that new confusing thing on insta stories where the reader slides the thing and something emoji floats away and nothing happens and that's it.

man those are some unimaginative horse names

happy weekend, my babies

it's 1:01 PM local time Friday afternoon here in Cali and THE ROYAL WEDDING IS ABOUT TO START...


the late phoenix said...

Bravazo. gotta keep some flavor up

the late phoenix said...

2nd i’m getting pretty good at this. almost up there with that Eddie guy who’s a hockey guy but suspiciously knows more about horseracing for some reason

...prolly cos the Preakness always precedes the Stanley Cup playoffs on NBC...