Friday, May 11, 2018


pictured above: me. when i was young dumb stupid free and wild. okay it was last week after the latest SNL wrap party. that last show was the Infinity War of cold opens, so was the afterparty. i'm usually quite skinny, that's really bad lighting there at Fedco. i wish Scarjo and Colin all happiness and i feel honored to be their Mama of Honor for the Royal Wedding. my invitation got lost in the mail but it all will be catalogued online long after. we all die in the end it doesn't matter. yeah this must have been taken right after they told us over the malfunctioning breaking-up in-and-out creaky loudspeakers that there had been an outbreak and this wasn't a movie. i quickly donned my hazard suit, well just the stylish coat. my eyes were starting to water from the burning sensation in the air but i kept my smile cos it was Ash Wednesday and i'd knew i'd be protected if i had ashes on my forehead. those were the religious ashes not the hazard ashes. and this year Ash fell on Valentine's Day and it wasn't a made-up fake Pokemon holiday, this was real. the love i shared with this cardboard was proof.

N O T E S : (notes:)

* dirty hand of fate: eat this.
mom in Warhol lime elevator donning a raincoat tho it's not raining outside: i need a kick.
dirty hand of fate: i would but................i have an uncle in upstate rural New York who's a floating leg...
mom: i mean i need a 5-Hour Energy.
director: come on, mom! security. kick her off the set.

* emojis: we're tired of making faces for you humans. pick a better way to communicate before it's too late.

* date night
girl: what are all these red pills advertised in attractive packaging like an ice cream cone? i've heard about you peddlers. i belong to the Truth Squad. finish it at The Truth Dot Com.
man: they're berries, man, berries. they're not fruit-flavored, they're fruit. as you can tell from my red hoodie i'm an adult Elliott. i've had a checkered dating history. i wasted my childhood pining for my ex. E.T. STILL hasn't come home to me!
girl: sounds like you need to relax, bub. try this vape. it's bubblegum-flavored. tastes like unicorn.
man: i like your long heavy-material skirt, very Mister Rogers.
girl: that was the look i was going for.

* namasteable: urbandictionary definition is.............a euphemism for sex come on!

ive noticed a lot of art on insta and commercials lately have this thing where the subject is pictured twice in the photo. is this a new trend? is it spiritual in some fashion? or demonic? either way it's not naughty enough to be illuminati. remember, the second you will always be more interesting than the first.

* old hag: why are you handing me a biscuit of dog treat with gravy? what are you implying about me?
dirty hand of fate: i can't talk.
old hag: why the fuck am I in the sidecar? it's 2018! we live in a post-Wonder Woman world. i'm the one who fixed this bike! i was the inspiration for Winry! that's my wrench on the logo!
man in driver's seat: sorry, ma. does my scarf fluttering in the wind make me look like the Red Baron? well White Baron?
ma: makes you look like crushed angel's wings when i get through with you.
son: told you, ma, it takes awhile to wean off the drugs, it's a slow and incremental process like the 76ers. red means go, right?

* short wrestler: why are we fighting over a girl?
long wrestler: it's a female dog, too. she's really into fashion was at the Met Gala dressed as Kidess Icarus. there's something subliminal going on around here.
short wrestler: i wanted to go into pro wrestling. there's no money in college actual wrestling. pro wrestling is the wrestling for nerds.
long wrestler: i checked my Star Wars poster again. i knew it! Luke's lightsaber is his penis!

* mom kicking her feet up on one sectional of the couch: yes i'll marry you.
dirty hand of fate: will you marry me? oh. i see you have two sets of rainboots, one tiny set of boots. tho it's not raining.
mom: that's our kid's. the one we already have i mean gonna have.
hand: i love what you've done with the place.
mom: it was painted red on the inside instead of the outside.
hand: what are you reading?
mom: a big red book.
hand: which you've no doubt already read. cos you're smart.........the joke only works if you read it.


happy mother's day, my babies. love your mama extra sunday. love your mama's mama. and your baby's mama. and your single sidepiece, join her for brunch just cos. the world is meant for love!


Jules said...

I love boots - even tiny one's. *)

the late phoenix said...

i thought the world was meant for love. but when i went to Denny's and saw everyone there all in one room, i panicked and ran away to the island of Trivago

the late phoenix said...