Friday, March 23, 2018



* teacher: those saggy baggy ridiculous-looking overalls are against school-policy dress-code. detention during finals. expelled!
girl: but this is literally a Kansas farm school!

* girl: i'm one of those students who's blonde and yet not popular.
brunette with pink pants and a boyfriend: get pink pants.

* my decoder-ring and '70s striped sweatershirt indicate i'm in the Junior Scooby-Doo Mysterymobile Club at school, that's my activity. i go to all the meetings which meet here at the school 8PM on Friday nights. as of this typing i am the sole member and presidentess.

* girl: wait my locker combo was 000? come on!
janitor: yes but it was Left 0 Right 0 Left 0.

* i'm not really happy. the smileyface button on my denim vest is either Watchmen or Nirvana.

* i picked out my pink shoes to match the pink casecover of my phone. that's how much i love my phone.

* girl: why does the sticker say Space Shuttle and not Private?
Elon Musk: dammit.

* janitor: good news, you cleared away all the garbage i was sweeping. bad news, you unlocked my secret locker of student videos......................................what i'm in Student AV Club.
girl: gonna use the internet to criticize tv are we?

* girl: missed my calling. shoulda joined Gymnastics Club. we're a public school that has Gymnastics Club, think about it.
nerd: thank you for that shot of your ass. if you ask me you're wearing just the right thing.
girl: so i'm noticing a pattern. all the lockers have inside them a mini-mirror. boys and girls. vain much?
nerd: we all deal in the cocaine. you'd be surprised what we're allowed to bring to school.

* i miss those desks that the tabletop opens up in front of you and you can store your books and pencil-sharpeners the size of a dime in there. like a wooden backpack.
nerd: they're used as shields now.

* damn you, art class! poof away, magic hippie rainbow powder! i got a C in Art, fucked up my GPA. how is it possible to get a C in Art?

* hoverboard training.
Sarah from Super Ninja Steel: see you in August just in time to show off my summer booty.

* girl: i've never been so happy to see so many balls.
janitor winks.
the janitor and girl high-five.

* girl: what are you doing in here?
chem-lab high-school professor: cocaine. making cocaine.
girl: in that case the fire should have been higher and i really should have blown up the lab.

* girl: freeing the frogs just freeing the frogs. being humane. you don't need to cut open anything anymore you can learn it all online.
skeleton: *waves* what about me?
girl: i'd take you but i see they already cut open your skull.

* girl: and inside the magic treasure chest at the bottom of the ocean is...................a small bong. i think i'll take that cool action figure with the diving helmet and S&M chain instead, it looks collectible. can we just stop to recognize our school has a giant fish tank full of presumably illegally-caught exotic fish?

* girl: wait, that was the library? the library is three-stories tall?
janitor holds his bag of cocaine outside the library.

* girl: Bear Costume from that site where the men dance naked for clothed women at those bachelorette parties i never get invited to, Dave Grohl's bigass drum from when he was in school marching band, deflated Mickey Mouse balloons with the balloon mouse ears used as condoms, file cabinets the paper kind, jars of rancid pickles.
janitor: Pickle Rick!
girl: that's not cool anymore. the only thing cool here are the '70s hatchback cars.

* girl: my name is Kate. i'm not changing.

* text: WHERE R U?
Kate: i'm here, mom.
mom: you're gonna have to stay at your Aunt Sally's again, i lost the keys to the house.

* principal: all this commercial did was condone gang violence. who's gonna pick up all this trash?
Kate: i freed the frogs and the nerds from their lockers. it wasn't trash, it was a Ballet of Trash, it was my final exam, it was garbage. pronounced gar-BAHJ.
principal: you get an F in Art!

* Kate: oh, the movie theatre is right next to the school, that's convenient for dates. gonna go see SLC Punk 2.
punk: that was my finest gold chain of a dollar sign. now i have no money to buy you popcorn.
Kate: destroying your chain was my way of asking you out. cutting your umbilical cord. like i'm friending you in real life, unlocking you literally.
punk: gonna go get some more blue paint for my hair.
Kate: you're not a punk cos you wear blue hair-dye. and look at your fashion, your clothes are a uniform, that's not freedom, that's anything but freedom.
punk: is it punk-rock that i've fallen in love with you after this one conversation?
Kate: *speaking directly to the camera* remember those two from the end of SLC Punk? that's what SLC Punk 2 shoulda been, the continuation of THEIR story.


happy weekend, my babies. take just one step outside the house this weekend, i promise you won't regret it...

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