Friday, March 9, 2018



* is there really a choice?

* ironically, Kyrie has his own Nike commercial out at the same time. full of postapocalyptic amusement-ride whirlybirds, Clockwork Orange skateboarders on halfpipes, and the Boston Philharmonic.

* NASA sent out a new weather satellite into space. you know what that means. more Maria LaRosa!!!

* Japanese businessman: this isn't coffee, it's tea. look! that's where all the anime gets made.

* but when's Metalocalypse coming back?

* if you clutch your pearls too hard, you'll choke

* soccerer: great, now one side will always have the advantage of shade.
goalie: i have a built-in excuse. i can't see a thing.

* "top story of the day: traffic in L.A./ but at least the highway looks like a pretzel. and those red cars look like Hot Tamales. oh, i see, this is the line for Black Panther."

* axis? so you're telling me there's a giant silver rod through the center of the Earth skewering it like a kebab? where is it? i don't see it.

* is that Sandrine Holt? i swear she gets in everything.

* oh no wait, it's the girl from LazyTown! that's perfect casting.

* reporter: we were still able to generate enough energy to bring you this report. thank you, China.

* hamster in hamster wheel: life is absurd.
Camus: you were the original Sisyphus.

* leader of the pack: let's go!
kids: follow the white woman. the woman wearing white.

* ginger on smartphone: *typing* let's go!!! wait, none of my followers are runners.

* Kenyan father: i am disappointed in you, son. you are a scholar while the rest of your brothers are training in the reeds to achieve Olympic gold medals. swift like cheetahs, we are the lions of long-distance. it's the Gohan/Goku thing all over again.

* Bill Nye: what happened to my popularity? i used to be the cool underground indie guy in the '90s who would spout off a few lesser-known fun facts inbetween hits of my drums. i was in a drum-circle band in university. slumming it on Matthew McConaughey's ratty couch. i'm using this tissue to protect my fingers. why does everyone hate me now?
science reporter: i'm supposed to be more the ethnic Bill Nye than Neil deGrasse Tyson.

* get in the way of a gaggle of colorfully-dressed women in gold tennis shoes on their way to an Indian wedding at your own peril

* that girl was so fast she lit all the lanterns with her love. i know it's the Red Light District but it still counts as love.

* leader of the pack: ooooh, are those Redbottom Nikes? a girl's gotta look good when she saves the world.

* Kevin Hart: i got so much material from this for Kyrie at the All-Star Game.

* Odell Beckham: don't need an uber i came in a Bigfoot i mean a Sasquatch brought me. Jack Link's.
director: cut, let's try it again.

* Bill Nye: i've literally never run before in my life. guys, my legs are starting to feel like jelly. i never thought this was scientifically or humanly possible but i'm about to spontaneously combust.

* Simone Biles: this is the longest runway to a vault i've ever done.

* Greek Freak: the people back home think you American bullies are mocking me with your nickname of me. but i tell them i'm a jock not an outcast and it's not a sex thing.
Archer: oh it's a sex thing.

* Kobe: my next project is gonna be this Paul Thomas Anderson thing in which i play this peach farmer who invents basketball...

* reporter: excuse my sunken eyes, it's been a rough night that never turns to day.

* Olivia Munn: hi, i'm Olivia Munn. my dog pooed! but anyway i used to be a quarterback's mistress but it was weird cos i was taller than him. i really wish that sex fantasy i texted hadn't leaked online, i'd be doing exactly that to Chris Pine right now in private. Snowden was right.

* reporter: this just in. the world is meant to spin back and forth as if grooving to God's beat.

* wait, if the universe is flat.........................................then..................................

* hamster in hamster wheel: i mean energy. yeah. foot energy.
Camus: remember that night it rained boulders?


happy weekend, my babies. there's a lot going on you have to keep level. focus on what matters. i want you to take out your phone for me. i want you to turn on your Shamrock-Shake locator...

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