Thursday, March 22, 2018


at the MSNBC Studios next door:

Brian Williams: my Friday nights are forever ruined. my eyes are so dry people think i wear contacts which i don't. when will this teleprompter nightmare end? the point of a cycle is that it's cyclical not a train trip with no ticket. the drums, the drums are in my head, banging away way after the intro. hey Chuck, you searching for a contact lens? you seem short an eyelash.

Chuck Todd: no, thanks, Brian, just putting some extra drops in my eyes.

Brian: get some sleep. you, too, Chris.

Chris Matthews: i'm always searching for that all-encompassing word to start my show. a cast spell. don't call me a moron.

Nikki Haley: i didn't!

Chris: no that was for the Tillerson show.

Nikki: are you sure you're not guilty over something, Chris? something that happened long ago? gnawing at you? in this present age?

Chris: i know what you're gonna say before you say it, that's why i'm so good. i ask the third question along the conversation first so the interviewee doesn't have time to react, i'm already three steps ahead, i already know what you're gonna say for questions one and two.

Nikki: rememeber that time long ago when we decided to just be friends? when i DEMANDED we just be friends?

Chris: i don't remember all my interns.

Nikki: a-ha! yes you do!

Chris: get me out of this, Heilemann, say something cynical.

John Heilemann: not this time, bub. i was hurt when my partner left me. for hurting me.

Chris: do you like mayonnaise? are you the mayor?

Heilemann: what? that's the other John Heilemans.

Chris: those were my two questions. we're out of time oh thank the Irish God on this St. Paddy's Rachel is up next.

Rachel Maddow is done with her show and giddy.

Rachel: i want to give you guys some backstage advice. don't worry it'll be kosher.

Emma, Cameron, and Jaclyn oblige the obliege.

Rachel: don't let anyone push you around, don't listen to anyone! you do what is right, don't let some no-line online hacks bring you down. you tell 'em what that priest told Giuliani when he was running, down in the polls, and looking for some political advice from the pulpit: fuck em. onward and forward-leaning, you'll always have a landing spot at this station.

Emma: thanks Rach. yeah i just hit 'em back on twitter with a funny meme or hilarious Moses post. except for James Woods. i don't find James Woods funny at all.

Rachel: as long as your internal workings as a group are strong, nobody can stand in your way. no internal strife hold it together. you just have to do it and not back down at the last minute cos you got bored. don't dissolve the bond and you don't dissolve the brand. go to work at the office everyday watching The Office.

Emma: good advice, solid, i'll take it to heart. um, Cameron, we need to talk.

Cameron: what's up i haven't seen you in ages i've been on the West Coast westcoastin' it.

Emma: yeah see that's the promise and the problem. i want to break up.

Cameron gives Jaclyn the look and points back and forth at both of them.

Cameron: don't tell me you two are......? that is too predictable.

Emma: well i am a 17-year-old girl. you're never here. and Rachel made me all excited when she got excited treating US as the celebrity.

Cameron: i'm busy spreading the message and the word. and not my legs! to the four corners. this is our message, remember? we still on for prom?

Emma: doesn't prom hit on the same day as the Parade?

Cameron: it's more of a March and no. there are countless proms at the end of the year.

Jaclyn: didn't we all tacitly kinda agree to all go to prom as a group?

Cameron: oh come on! fine, i'll ask Rachel to prom, she's a woman i admire greatly. that's how proms are now, right?

Emma hugs her arms around the prevailing air.

Emma: come on, guys, let's go to McDonald's for some shakes. things will look better in the morning. we need to fuel up for our sabbatical.


at FBI Headquarters Strzok and Page dive deep underground to a smelly room with a poster on the wall that hangs folds like Finn's poster on Adventure Time.

Page, once realizing she is alone with her beau, kisses him passionately. Strzok gracefully removes her crown of the Sword of Saad.

Page transformes back into Dana Scully.

Scully lifts the veil and she sees Fox Mulder in front of her again.

Mulder: i could never turn the page on what we have.

Mulder drops Scully to the ground jujitsu-style. they embrace without kissing, hugging each other's snowcoat. he careeses her blonde hair.

Mulder: what we have is so much more than a romp in the hay. it's eternal. it's caring. it's care. it's love.

Scully closes her eyes and the two lovebirds touch mouths without kissing.

all of the pencils punctured stuck on Mulder's styrofoam ceiling from the four corners drop and fall and land perfectly on Mulder's desk.


at the Library Slash Drama Complex, the stage play is about to be catharted. the stage is filled with books both meant to be read and written on with play lines. Jan Russ, the imperious blonde Australian theatre director, takes the helm and encourages her students. she slaps the floor with her wet dark-brown mile-ruler.

Russ: ladies we must use our imaginations. in the time we have left. no time to be obdurate. it's critical or we're cut cunts. hop to. you there, you, form the stage.

the rest of the team of coven double over and arch their backs to form the mounds of the volcanoes. the lead actresses try their darndest to come up with lines which are really solutions. Jill spits on the girls to mimic the imaginary lava.

Jill: i like her. she's so imprious and impolite i'm impressed! all this spit is strangely erotic.

Sally: nothing's working. wait let me try something: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha. nothing.

Jill: you're a terrible leader. let me try: Infernos! well i tried.

Sally: get some sleep, dear. things will look better in the morning.

Jill and Doryce: thank you. she was talking to me.

Doryce: i'm famished. and i need a lie-down. so does my best friend. anywhere near here?

Jill: go to Gladyce's broom shoppe! it's not far from here by broom. here, take my rustico-baked. from Evol Foods. terrible name for a food company.

Doryce: right? wow this baked-rustico is a trip, it tastes and flakes just like a cruffin. no offense but spending just these three minutes with you alone and i can already tell it's just not the same. you're not nice like Gladyce. let us go to her place.

the place is as quaint as Gladyce's manners. silver and gold brooms hang above the fireplace and lean on the four corners as the exposed-brick room is quietly kilning a pizza and chicken for breakfast.

Doryce: so this is where Gladyce finally works. you've been holding out on me, dear, you've got it made. what does she do with all these brooms?

Jill: sweep.

Doryce leaves Gladyce in the front and locks the door. she retires to the upstairs bed but she can't sleep so she goes for a midnight stroll. on the thatched roof. she has so much quiet time to think up there she starts getting ideas. she can still hear the actresses on stage singing their lines in the distance. she slips and falls upside down on a roof pebble trying to jump whilst on a broom. Gladyce wakes up just in time to stop her from CTE or a leg amputation. tis merely a knee scrape and a bruised egoess.

Doryce: i thought i could do it. guess i'm not one of you after all.

Gladyce: you're better, my dear, so much better. now give me a hug and get thee to a doctor. i mean me to a doctor.

Doryce: there's a doctor here? like a modern doctor?

Gladyce: sure. and a modern waiting room as well. but first we need to give him something to get fired up about. a cause. drop me in the mouth of the volcanoes, dear.

Doryce: *crying* i can't. you're too weak.

Gladyce: you must, love. it's the only way.

Doryce obliges, she gently drops Gladyce into the green slimey oozy lava. Gladyce seems to dissolve in it but she comes up for air after a while. Doryce hugs her friend right and tight. the two sets of small breasts push up against each other. their tits touch.

Gladyce's hair, once black like Doryce's, turns back to blonde.

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