TMIT: UNARMED TRUTH

1. a friend gave you a pie touting it as a favorite family recipe, and you ate this pie and got sick---or had an allergic reaction. the friend calls a few days later to ask, "how did you like the pie?" what do you say?

i came to an uncomfortable truth this week. all apple pies taste the same. i thought i would get exotic and get the Safeway generic brand just to see. see all apples taste the same and crust is just a fancy way to say bread. it tasted exactly like McDonald's apple pie. same hot-pocket shape, too. i am shaken.

2. your significant other really wants you to try the swingers' lifestyle but you really do not want to do this. do you a) tell her/him no, not interested b) do it just to make him/her happy, go along to get along c) say yes cos you'll try anything once d) no with no explanation and forbid them from living the life

i guess i gotta get a job now. i rewatched Indecent Proposal this week. but i don't remember watching it the first time. it must have been when i was 13 giddily under the covers of my parents' bed some random Wednesday night when they were off hosting and i'm done with my homework home alone and turning the key to HBO for the first time and a fly comes out of my mouth. i thought i'd watch the first 15 minutes but i'm noticing i'm recalling all the scenes of this American movie with the European sensibility. fascinating. this film is like an old friend you haven't seen since the last great decade. ensconced in the gauzy glow of a Zalman King soft-core if it had a big glossy budget. young unbreakable love, that first fraught year of marriage---there is nothing more fiction-filled than a couple's first year of marriage---green gambling, altering attractiveness. two lost souls in the desert when they'd rather be gardening. neck-deep in the fantasy of feeling each other out, the uncertainty of the future, good-looking Presidents, treadmills. if you started to think Demi couldn't have ever been that hot, this reminds you. i know, i searched for Indecent Exposure first on my remote out of habit. Olivia Beagle was not a slut. that's what you really have to do, you really do have to laugh about it years later...

3. have you texted nude photos to someone and had it come back to bite you in the ass---as in someone taking revenge for your misjudgment?

one dick shot one time. it was so embarrassing. luckily i accidentally sent it to myself instead of the group email at work. see? sometimes it pays to push the wrong button...

4. have you or would you ever stop having a relationship with someone who had a weight problem and their physique drastically changed?

i was harassed virulently over my weight so i know how that feels. i ate so much weight-gain powder all the neighborhood cats knew my house was the local drug den. like, actual cats, i was on drugs, the cats spoke to me. i'd only intervene if the world could no longer see my beloved's beauty. if she disappeared. because she was too thin. health reasons, not beauty reasons. you can never go wrong using Rubenesque in polite conversation.

5. would you rather find true love or win the lottery with winnings of $10000 u.s. mint? there are some things which money cannot buy. unless you're Robert Redford. love fades, money fades, life fades.

bonus: which topic of conversation do you avoid at all costs---politics or religion? never discuss how much you're constantly backed up in polite conversation. unless you're a manly man in a hard hat and these are your symptoms. ladies and gentlemen, our next President:

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o shelagh. i started with you. when i was small. when the nineties were new. we grew up together, empathizing, lingering, dreaming. at first i didn't know what to make. you were beautiful in a distant sense, a sprite out of reach, hidden in a pub, a zombie of war inherited never your own. you made me realize that your parents were special in a way my mommy and daddy could never be. they warded off ghosts and drank spirits in a garden towne, we warded off spirits and were ghosts in an industrial town.

what to make of the voice. this lass who would replace Sinead in our minds. substitute or she-ra? at first it shrieked and we were silent. but then we heard the soft yodel and fell in love. the lilting Limerick. the mezzo sauce. like a sonic shillelagh to our soul. put to the sword of our ears.

what a prize what an honor what a showing. i don't go to Instagram anymore it's too sad to leave notes for the dead. instead i attend the wake which never ends. know that you were an attractive woman like you wanted your husband to know. know that we will never be in your will but we were in your ode. reared by you. when you're gone, so are we.

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