Friday, January 19, 2018

OLYMPICS 2020


learned:

* Pepsi is love

* i see you, Procter & Gamble, you keep doing your thing.

* mom: stop jumping on the bed.
girl: i'm gonna jump so high i crash into Neil deGrasse Tyson's Cosmos ship so i discover that Possible World first.

* mom: i look at your wall and get sad from your posters.
girl: don't worry, mom, i made sure to watch them sign the poster themselves. they never reached into a bag.

* mom: don't leave your skates in the mud, they were expensive, i went without food for a year.
son: don't worry, mom, i'm tough.
mom: what happened to your eye?
son: you should see the other guy. so jelly.
mom: i'm proud of you, son. that's right, they're just jealous of your talent.
son: no, my eye. there's jelly in it.

* boy: i don't have a speedskating suit.
mom: those rich kids in their skintight bodysuits look like pussies.
boy: why don't i get a fire?
mom: a little secret parents never tell their kids: roasted marshmallows taste like shit. i heard that clique sacrifices a boy each midnight in that fire in exchange for rigged Gold Medals. they worship Satan obviously.
boy: mom, one of the boys said i looked like that goofy-looking kid from A Christmas Story.
mom: that was a classic film! don't let ANYONE tell you the Fox live musical wasn't good, it was! go right up and put your tongue on the flagpole, you got another one. that pond is not fully frozen over, it's gonna melt.

* mom: are you practicing your piano?
girl: no, mom, i'm on the hockey team, remember? i'm cutting my hair to fit in. i'm going all Mulan up in here.
mom: just bring me back some Szechuan sauce.

* girl: should it matter if i wear a head covering?
mother: of course not, daughter, but the world now is fucked beyond repair. just say it's part of your costume while we wait for a brighter day.

* cutting-in-line boy: Special Olympics?
boy: Olympics. just Olympics, motherfucker.

* girl: is this a dream? i'm dreaming i'm back in my bed when i was a child. except the bed is on top of a snowcapped hill.
mom: you're not dreaming. you're still a child. the adulting into an Olympic athlete came later in your life.
girl: no wonder i feel so cold.

* Olympic star: i did it, mom. i'm crying.
mom: i'm crying, too. but next time don't nick that flag like that, you coulda had the world record.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. au revoir, Lupin. Brady's hand is just deflated, that's all.









2 comments:

Jules said...

Don't tell me that!! I haven't yet had my first Smores! *)

the late phoenix said...

S'mores and I had a falling out. we dated awhile but I think S'mores was never really into me. I enjoy graham crackers immensely, I can toast a marshmallow with the best of 'em, and chocolate is my go-to sex sauce. but when you combine them, it got too messy. S'mores kept telling me "some more" which I found exhausting. later I found out Some More was her full given name *)