LONG WEEKEND (4.3)

Anderson Cooper: where are you? i'll be right over.

Andy Cohen: you didn't run to me when i had to eat Panda Express for breakfast in an airport lounge at 9AM.

Anderson: sweetie, just friends, sweetie. i know you wanted more. but the Vanderbilt virginity is too rich for your blood, that e is expensive.

Kathy Griffin: you got the keys?

Anderson: sure i do.

Kathy: meet you at your mom's mansion.

Anderson: wait, why my mom's house?

an hour later, Gloria Vanderbilt is struggling to point heaving over her iron-rimmed snake sofa. she wears a darkness that is one part Grey Gardens and one part Marvin Gardens.

Mama Vanderbilt: son, be a dear and answer that bellknock.

Anderson unlocks the door and finds Kathy Griffin frozen in a block of ice.

an hour of picking later

Anderson: what happened? give me a hug. the whole thing got way overblown.

Kathy: that was not meant to be a popsicle. i was supposed to jump out of a cake to surprise you. oh mama! did you fare okay the hour i was gone? got your medicine? RA flaring up again?

she gives Gloria a hot hug.

Gloria: where the fuck were you?

Kathy: running a stupid errand in Times Sqaure.

Anderson: what's going on here? you're my mother's caretaker now?

Kathy: you're never home.

Anderson: did any part of you want to be my friend? or was this all about access? fuck this i'm out. going back to work.

an hour later

Mooch: a call for you, Mr. Anderson. that's all i know.

Anderson: you're live on the air. New Year's Live.

Kathy: i fucked your mom.

Anderson: who is this? Howard Stern? you motherfucker!

Kathy: yes i am.

Anderson: why?

Kathy: look i just really love your mom. i like you, the silver-fox head of hair and icy glare and mood swings and reporter's arms i get it. but i need a real woman y'know?

Anderson: i never knew my mom was gay. perhaps this is why i was a child model.

Kathy: don't worry, she's fine. no bed sores, just bed pounding. got ourselves a California King mattress. which is impossible to find in New York. hey this is all your fault. Nothing Left Unsaid was too good. haunting beach scenes. left me, me, speechless. i hope this doesn't drive a wedge between us.

Anderson: don't you dare treat me like South Korea.

Kathy: i don't know what that means. see you at home.

Andy Cohen: i haven't mentioned your name once this entire evening broadcast you ginger witch.

Kathy: hi, Andy!

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Auverin: go. it's not too late. leave me to my math doldrums. what the fuck is a monogon and how can i use it in an essay?

sure enough it is here. just like she said, make a left at the Rock-Ola with the monogon case.

the star in this case is the spoked wheel used to move the lugubrious stacks slowly on their tracks. i turn it ever so deliberately sending a shiver sideways on my spine. the return to plebeian book drone is too much for my throat.

me: i only hear about Call the Midwife when the Christmas special rolls out. i know this is a show apart from their Christmas episodes. i've never seen a regular episode is what i'm saying.

Auverin: same with Last Tango in Halifax. the show i blame for the premature cancellation of Vicious.

me: definitely needed a 3rd season. don't remind me of how good we had it. i still dance to that Vicious intro in my head.

Auverin: dance with me. at least dance in the library.

me: where were you?

Auverin: i lucked out and got an audition for a small small small role in one of this year's Oscar-nominated films. i can't say which. one screen-test led to another and i avoided entering the cutting-room door. i'm in!

me: get out, man! i'm the drama minor in this group.

Auverin: got an invite to the red carpet! bunches of brunches. literally spotted by a scout sipping coffee at the campus café.

me: cos you're hot. that would never happen to me.

Auverin: i'm going next week.

i look up to the little pane of window way up high past the tile rafters on the library roof. the point. the one access point outside. it's blocked, can't see a thing.

i race outside, which is something i am always loathe to do. past the two library lions guarding the entrance from junior-college interlopers.

i am only able to describe my experience of this then now after having learned the term from Gina. bomb cyclone.

it's snowing.