TMIT: BEFORE THERE WAS WONDER WOMAN...

1. what period of your life was the happiest? why? when i was an '80s kid. there was only one screen...

2. true or false: if you want a successful date, take charge---take the lead. why? i've never had a successful date. i always start off strong, like i order two drinks for the both of us, for me and my b, i don't let her order. but i always order milk

AND MILK'S NOT COOL, CLICK HERE

3. true or false: males are aggressive and assertive, women are nurturing. explain your answer. i'm the most docile person i know.

as for the women, two words: SNU SNU. technically that's one word.

4. is your body keeping you from a good sex life? how so? i'm skinny. very skinny. i don't have the requisite thrust power. you're gonna have to do the thrusting for me. i want to develop my midsection, get it nice and big. your gut is your reservoir of manliness. i want to eat all the food and drink all the drink so my stomach is fat cos i heard that's where all the cum is stored. i want to have a nice big bowl of hot froth ready to go.

5. smiles. do you have a sexy smile that's different from your regular smile? post a pic of your sexy smile or describe it for us.

my sexy smile used to be Ricky Gervais's primordial rock-crusher snaggleteeth above. after getting the work done required by the business, great insuracne plan i'm under btw, hope it stays, i now look like Wil Wheaton's ice-cream smile. why didn't i follow Wil Wheaton sooner? what's wrong with me?

bonus: May is Masturbation Month. which of these is your best benefit from masturbating?
a) helps you to relax and/or fall asleep
b) boosts self-esteem
c) combats erectile dysfunction
d) helps you know what feels good so you can tell your sex partner

you all know the ongoing struggle i have with sleep. i rank sleep as my highest priority, even above pizza. i'll do ANYTHING if it means i get more sleep. i'll try any experimental drug or disgusting drink or wacky treatment or underground secret session not sanctioned by the FDA.

i was talking to my doctor the other day, who has an online degree, and i was moaning how i don't get any restful sleep anymore. he said speaking of moaning, i should try sex. we both had a good laugh over that one. "if i can be serious now, Phoenix," he says, cos Phoenix is my real name, "Phoenix," he says, putting his arms around me, "Phoenix ma boy, the Feds are shutting down this facility later this afternoon so i leave you with the final prescription..."

me: you don't mean.......that final?
doctor: yes. fap. fap. fap everywhere you go. fap on the bus. fap in school. fap at your bar mitzvah. don't fap while you're on your ipad mini, it's impossible to clean the screen after. leaves streaks. after you fap your body relaxes and you will fall asleep more easily. greatest sleep aid there is. better than tea. better than beer. better than popping methadone like candy. better than warm milk. use your own natural warm milk your body makes for you. your body is a miracle.

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