TMIT: LONG, TALL BUS

spent the morning with "Giving You The Benefit", "Mercedes Boy" the remix, and "Toy Soldiers" by Martika. thank you.

1. what type of vehicle do you use regularly? truck, car, bike?: i use the One Foot In Front Of The Other Express. or the bus. so a seemingly-simple trip to the bowling alley takes, like, 10 hours of intertwining bus routes there and back, just so i can let out all my anxieties with a couple of hard strikes down the lane and some greasy pizza...and funny shoes...and that shoe deodorant...i need that deodorant at home, i smell worse than used bowling shoes in the morning, even after the first shower.

2. do you use public transportation (bus/ train/ metro/ subway/ cab)? how often?: see 1. back at Cal, i of course used BART everywhere like any other new, fresh, wide-eyed student. those were the days, not having to worry about finding a ride. i saw Smashing Pumpkins at the Cow Palace one night by riding the convenient subway there and back. the BART ride was more interesting than the concert because all of the colorful characters on BART were at least still self-aware that they were humans, so elucidating conversations were still possible, whereas at the concert it was already a procession of the drugged and gone. that's the thing, once you're wasted, YOU still think you're funny and revolutionary, but everyone else has passed on you, even your agent.

3. have you ever had sex in/on public transportation? do tell: no, but i saw a porn once where a good-looking couple were getting their ends away on a trolley...

4. i know all of you gathered here today have had sex in a car or truck, but how many of you have had sex in your present vehicle?: well.................

you have to be careful where i live. that kind of stuff is frowned upon in decent society, even if it's for work. "work" and work are two different things. besides, how would that "work"? i mean, i'm walking down the street, and then what?...

5. when was the last time you had sex in a car/truck/pickup? with a known person or stranger?: um, i was at a "job" one time, and, um, one thing led to another.

the last time was with me. it was with a stranger. i am a stranger to myself.

6. have you ever had sex on a bicycle or motorcycle?: no, but i had some on a motorboat...

7. stick shift or manual? why?: i like to feel my shaft, i mean i like to feel the shaft...

8. ever had sex on the hood of a car? the British word for it is bonnet: yeah, i got my balls busted on the bonnet. see, this confirms my theory: the British way of saying things is just always better. there was no sex involved, got my balls busted is all.

bonus: you are walking down the street...See, told you...a very sexy and nude babe woman pulls up to you in her shiny new Mercedes Benz, she lowers the window and exclaims, "do you want to ride in my Mercedes?" what do you do? tell us what you want to do on that ride: i want to do everything that happens in the music video for "Mercedes Boy" by Pebbles. music videos are windows into a fantasy life for me, they teach me how to live to the fullest. i want to '80s dance awkwardly like that huge dude in the video. but more than anything, i want to bowl without having to waste the entire day. this will afford me that.

bonus bonus: what is the sexiest thing you have ever done in a vehicle?: i lived my dreams, went to that audition, never looked back, with my woman next to me i drove away from the bad city and traveled to where the road took us...we ended up wherever the wind blew...the new Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos.

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