TMIT: OPEN YOUR MOUTH...STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE...THAT'S IT...

there are many ways to relieve stress. some take a ten-minute bathroom break to win. others, like me, drink plenty of fluids. whatever combination you use, remember, your sports idols are just people too, they're just trying to get by like you are, the next time your media-contrived images are shattered, reach for some fluids, not the box of beer. i just saw an updated FB pic of a girl i used to know...she was with the new stud blond boyfriend...time for some more fluids in my mouth.

1. describe your or a lover's penis with a movie title: my lover has a penis?

2. describe your or a lover's pussy with a movie title: BACK TO THE FUTURE. y'know the scene where Marty invents the skateboard? see, Marty goes back to the future, becomes a 40-year-old virgin with a skateboard contract who couldn't fulfill the contract when he was young due to his habit of time-traveling all the time, meets a nice quiet woman who loves him for him and not his virgin cock, and the two live off the skateboard money happily ever after. one night Marty mentions to his love that she has a nice pussy...fade to black.

3. describe your last sexual encounter with a song title: SAY IT AIN'T SO...why Weeezer, why u make Dawson sad? why can't i find someone who wants me for me and not my virgin internet memes? memes are funny, but eventually, and i've timed this, the laughter ceases at about the hour mark, then you're stuck without love and real human contact again.

4. describe your body with a song title: YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND, when i see that music video, i always imagine that crazy-as-a-mofo John Mayer is singing it to me, i'm that hot girl in bed with him, except, y'know, i'm not gay so i'm John Mayer in my imaginative retelling of the video, except i'm not as crazy as John Mayer, and THAT, my friends, is saying something!!! yeah, so i'm the guy instead of the girl in the video, John Mayer is the hot babe instead of John Mayer, she's singing to me, and i feel warm and fuzzy inside...and confused.

5. describe your sexual appetite with a song, movie, or book title: LET ME DROWN, Soundgarden's awesome song with the coolest drum sequence ever, hear for it next time you listen to it. yeah, i'm insatiable when it comes to sex. the question is: am i a perv, or just a normal male?

bonus: recommend your favorite sexy, sensual or kinky book: i don't read books anymore, they are read for me by my new ipad mini, my ipad mini has become my only and best friend, he's so tiny, his keyboard is so fucking tiny you have to use the very very very tip of your fingertip to push things on it or you push the wrong link, but it's okay, i've made him a microscopic read-red blanket for him to sleep on next to me at night when i plug his little white wire into him and at the other end i plug it into an outlet and he recharges during the night, he makes that little "heep" sound when the process begins, he shows his green levels, so i know he enjoys that. i'm not gonna go with the obvious Madonna SEX book. okay, i am, i mean, look at ol' nakie Madge there with ICE ICE BABY...that's a time-capsule of the good ol' days, huh? Madonna educating us about fucking, and Vanilla dancing with Ninja Turtles.

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