WAITING IS A FORM OF LOVE: XOXO

 

 

Jen R: you see what i'm saying?

me: not really.

Jen: the waiting isn't the waiting for sex, it's the waiting to be with you at all!!! when a woman WAITS for you, waiting for your situation to change, so she can be your wife, maybe 15 years from now when you get a divorce, or when you finally FEEL ready, well, that waiting is love. the woman was loving you the whole time she was waiting.

me: that is beautiful. will you wait for me?

Jen: no. i'm not patient like that. i can't even wait at the bus stop.

me: oh so that's why you paid off your car.

Jen: no i used my unexpected tax refund this year to buy me my own personal '80s Greyhound bus i keep in my timeshare garage.

me: you drive that thing? on roads familiar to the both of us?

Jen: only when i'm wearing my bus hat. Greyhounds can't ride on highways, they can only ride on city streets...

Monica Pro takes a baguette and strikes Squeaky's stomach with it. 

Monica Pro: I'M GOING ON THIS DATE TONIGHT!!!! i'm reintroducing fun back into my life or i'm gonna die.

Squeaky: Jesus, woman, okay, you've earned it. that hit makes us Star Wars brothers.

Monica: i hit your Safeway stomach because i knew it'd be fat so you wouldn't feel it. it's a lovetap from your boss. i've been under a lot of stress these last months, i had to negotiate the strike settlement all by my fucking SELF. just me. one person, me. i was responsible for 258,000 Safeway jobs in California. 

Squeaky: i derive pleasure in life solely from eating sugar donuts but to each their own. i'm just admiring your tattoos, wow i had no idea...

Monica: oh you like my wrist tats? they're double-arrow road-surface markings.

the band Pavement: ...

Monica: you can see how ready i am to fuck when i remove my workgloves. 

Squeaky: yeah you're like this hot industrial 40-year-old grandma i never noticed before.

Leslie Sbrocco: Monica Pro, i am gonna miss you SO much...

Gladyce from the Treehouse: the only way to clean your big-ass peach-colored salad bowl in the dishwasher is to not eat salad tonight...

Garrett Graff: that goofy-looking kid who sat in the back row at school turned out to be right...

Garrett Graff: i look like Man-Fish but you REALLY need to pay attention and take me seriously...

Dr. Nancy Alvarez: don't make me do the Desiguales dance...

Suzy Lu: the more you stare at my face, the more it starts to look Japanese...

Carlos Alcaraz: nobody buys tennis shoes anymore, which is weird. tennis shoes from a tennis PLAYER. everybody buys basketball shoes. i'm too short to play basketball!!!

Jules Smith: vitamins pronounced vitamins, not VIE-tamins, are British vitamins that turn you into a ponce...

SNL: looking back, why the flying hot dogs?...

Boc talking to his TV with a slow clap: nice The Fisher King speech, Mercedes Ruehl. men and women are the devil and God working it out. women are the creators because they give birth. men are dirty dogs. only bad boys are interesting. but HONEY, what about the gays?!!! i'm more creative than you, sister, look at this dreamcatcher quilt i knitted!!! i'm an accountant who fucks like a locomotive. i lick my paws to remain clean. who am i gonna work it out with? Socrates?

Boc: men are dirty dogs? I coulda told you that, honey.

Mercedes Ruehl: my tits have never looked better than they did in Fisher King. i was auditioning for the It's a Living movie at the time wearing that sky-high-waitress uniform and the girls just stayed like that molded into place...

Downers Grove: largest concentration of people with depression in the world. the good news is these people, who are big into hedge mazes, are blissed out on daisies...

F-Zero speedrun: get it?...

Ingmar Bergman sauna: every Thursday night in summer...

scratching your inside-leg in the morning: you've had an eventful night.

Mr. Humphries from Are You Being Served? and Brooke Trantor: ...

Mr. Humphries: the big to-do in the '70s, dear, no need to shame. a lot of dried crusted-over cum.

Brooke: mid-priced.

Boc: you're jogging WHILE the trash trucks are making their rounds? now that's guts.

Bjork: glacier spa in Iceland, soak with Bjork.

me: i have a bald head like that placenta wraith in the Live "Lightning Crashes" music video.

Gordon Ramsay: placenta is not polenta. polenta is not risotto...

Jen R: where did you come from, little one?

Xoxo: remember when Jeff Bridges cleared the dining-room table with his arm to make room so he could fuck Mercedes Ruehl in The Fisher King? i was one of the magic trinkets Jeff Bridges so coldly tossed aside for some cheap momentary pleasure. 

me: why is your mouth turned upward to the sky?

Xoxo: it's not a howl. it's a Primal Scream.

Jen: speaks for all of us.

Jen R howls.

 

WAITING IS A FORM OF LOVE: EARLY-MORNING POTATO SMELL

 

Jen R: waiting like when we're waiting for your coffee in the morning, see what i'm getting at?

we're waiting by my Keurig. i push the button.

me: here it is.

Xoxo: no that's the cup of coffee from YESTER morning. see it takes ONE WHOLE DAY for the coffee to brew to get the beans to taste just right. the Aztecs invented coffee you know.

me: shit i'm out of water. where's my water cup?

Jen: use this strange cup.

Xoxo: vieja, that's a tiny glass fishbowl.

me: as long as it works, right? even if my pet fish is swimming around in this cup...

Jen: whoa, check out your cats, they're calm around your fish now.

Xoxo: i have a calming effect on cats.

Leslie Sbrocco: omg you're HERE?!!!

Monica Pro: yeah. crouching like a motherfucker to put away these Teddy Grahams. did you get a good gander at my butt?

Leslie: i honestly thought i'd never see you again. i've been crying on the inside.

Monica: Safeway has a way of crushing your dreams.........that's it. Safeway has a habit of messing with your mind. btw.........don't try the Safeway meatloaf...

Leslie: i eat one sugar donut from Safeway a day, right? so why don't i gain weight? why don't i balloon out and explode?

Monica: because you walk, silly. if you walk TO Safeway you can eat a donut a day and not gain an ounce. empty calories are still calories.

Teen Titans: The Judas Contract.

plains: explains.

Starfire: if we move in together, one of the rooms MUST be a pizza parlor.

Jen R: yeah that's me, i'm always burning the lasagna, i'm always putting the lasagna in the oven at 500 degrees for 5 hours.

Nightwing: waitl let's not fight here, this is the pier from the Our Lady Peace "One Man Army" music video...

Dick Grayson: bulletproof vest? nah, manly chest. i mean my name is Dick Grayson, that's a porn star's name.

Blue Beetle: hey, only my father gets to call me ese!!!

Deathstroke: wait how many zeros?

Brother Blood: 20 bucks, right?

Terra: how COULD you?!!! i thought this was real love!!!

Deathstroke: sorry, kid, goth girls give me the creeps. nothing ratchets up the sexual tension quite like death. sex and death, isn't that what life is about? widow sex is where it's at.

Robin: no God will save you, Blood, because i'm an atheist.

Terra: Slade, you're about to experience the most fucked-up Legends of the Hidden Temple Temple Game ever!!!

Brother Blood: i beseech thee, 40 years in the planning only to end up Hot Nosferatu?...

Terra: i was gonna rock myself earlier but Deathstroke promised he'd get me a horse.

Kevin Smith: sucks about your girlfriend.........are we still on for the podcast?

puppy Sandy the black-Lab dog: ...

Beast Boy: not everyone has a road.

i stroll past the Fitzgeralds' place.

Jen R: i'm always in awe of their sprinkler system. i'm dazzled and drenched.

Jackie Fitzgerald: the sprinklers come on EXACTLY at 7:34 each morning to indicate Blond Rambo and i have finished fucking.

Jen: you scared the living daylights out of me, woman!!!

Blond Rambo: Jackie scares me unless i have my nightlight on. she only talks to me when all the lights are off.

me: the sprinklers make me feel inspired. i want to take a shower in your sprinkler water like as if I just had sex.

Jen: i keep telling him to bathe. to wash himself so he doesn't have to watch himself.

Jackie: yeah he needs it, he's a filthy motherfucker.

It's a Living.

agent: i'm taking you to the top.

Sonny the piano man: but i already work at Above the Top...

Shannon Sharpe at the NFL Hall of Fame ceremony: this Gold Jacket looks sharp on me.........this is not awkward in any way...

Tiafoe: like my END ICE ice? my END ICE necklace, i can only wear this in Toronto...

Gavin Rossdale: when Bush toured with Veruca Salt, we only had the one album, our first album. the concert was still an hour long but we had to play EACH AND EVERY ONE of our songs. you heard everything, man. everything we were about. from "Everything Zen" to "Alien." we played "Alien" at your prom...

Tula from The Pirates of Dark Water: you played it at my prom. you don't remember but i do. "Alien" has since become a prom song. "Alien" was the last song at my prom...

Gene Rayburn: i am FASCINATED with what color a woman's hair roots REALLY are...

Morgan Spurlock: so McMigraine doesn't work. remember, i died early...

Raul De Molina: piscina. you know? the only thing that matters in life is my swimming pool.

Zverev: you can read my serve. look at the toss, it's like a goaltender trying to read the penalty kick...

Wednesday Addams at Wendy's: purple sauce? that's just not appetizing. even if you call it Vaporwave Sauce. even if you call it '80s Sauce...

Richard Dawson: i can seduce any woman. no i'm being serious. my success rate is 100%. except that one time i was Moses in a tuxedo parting the Red Sea.

Eric Clapton guitar solo: i play during the breaks of every Late Night with David Letterman episode...

Cecily Strong: when do i play Tara Palmeri on SNL?...

Tom Edwards: i have a rich resonant voice like Sanka coffee. i made Char Aznable sexy, he wasn't before. i'm Canadian so i know Melissa Maker. i'm a funnyman so i do a magic trick in my pants. i was that councilman in that one episode of Da Vinci's Inquest...

Tom Brady: no more smelling salts? but that's how i get through the day now that Gisele has taken up with her yoga man. i tried yoga once but i broke my nose...

blue whales: we're silent to show a moment of silence for poor Pinocchio...

Xoxo: cheese on pizza like a giraffe's fur.

me: so Xoxo, you have unique colors on you.

Xoxo: they're not painted-on, they're natural.

Jen R: the colors of Ancient Mexico?

Xoxo: the colors of the United States Southwest, the colors of Arizona...

Jen: that is depressing. aren't you a harbinger of the underworld?

me: that dark passageway no one wants to take?

Xoxo: yes but it's not a scary thing. death is natural, the problem is you can't explain it...

WAITING IS A FORM OF LOVE: '80s USC DAD COFFEE

 

Jen and i are waiting in line at the Sherman Oaks Magic Castle for pizza.

Jen R: on line. i'm from Baltimore.

me: we've been waiting here for 3 hours. the arcade cabinets are getting cold.

Jen: but the pizza is made from dough made from '80s nostalgia. so it IS worth it. see what i'm getting at here?

after three hours i bite into the crust with my non-braced teeth. my family couldn't afford to get me braces when i was a kid.

me: there's something about the cheese that evokes the '80s.

Jen: the cheese is BURNED. right? the cheese has that BURNING flavor to it. i'm surprised that's not a black pizza what with all the burnt cheese.

me: didn't Domino's do a neon balck-licorice pizza once? to celebrate the '80s?

Jen: the secret is to eat a triangle of cheese pizza all by itself, no seasonings, no salt, no pepper, no hot sauce, no cheese. so you only taste the cheese. and tomato. and bread.

Monica Pro: don't worry, i'm not getting shipped out to Carmel Valley. i left you a surprise at the donut case this morning.

Leslie Sbrocco: i enter Safeway at breakfast and make a motherfucking beeline for the donut case. i think to myself, "let's see here, which donut is calling my name." i study the donuts a good while examining which donut has just the right amount of misshapen roundness. topped with just a bit too much sugar to be a healthy daily intake of sugar...

Monica: i left the last sugar donut ON TOP of the glazed donuts.

Leslie: oh yeah i saw that!!! SEE?!!! you DO care about me!!!

Monica: yes. but i'm also bored.

Teen Titans: The Judas Contract.

Judas: not a Christian movie.

Nightwing: i'm not Darkwing Duck.

Robin: team, i have some bad news. we're rescuing this alien girl who's ugly. she's gonna be living in Titans Tower with us for three years. this will test the very foundation of the Teen Titans, what we stand for.

Superman: you're really trying my patience with this shit. there are 253 DC animated movies? DC characters do not need to be ninjas...

Nightwing, blushing: i made a key for you. i want you to live with me.

Starfire: okay but you live with your mom.

Raven: i'm Wednesday Addams but i can fly. oh damn i got HIPS in this movie!!!

Jaime Reyes's father: blue Beetle? but the boy still can't drive. i want my son back. where's my heart medication?

Blue Beetle: pop, i promise to go to college when i'm 45.

Brother Blood: cemeteries are the last quiet places in the city.

Deathstroke: i'm Deadpool without the personality. without the Ryan Reynolds Canadian quips. i suck.

Starfire: Nightwing, why can't you cum for me when we're in your mother's bed?

Nightwing: Batman said real men don't cum.

Beast Boy: am i seducing you with my snake? i mean me AS a snake. The Jungle Book was my favorite Disney movie as a kid, it spoke to me so much.

Terra: my favorite movie is Kids...

Madame Pons: hey Deathstroke, the Lazarus Pit ain't got nothing on LUSH bath bombs. not the bombs you're used to, you brute.

Jaime: sorry, the cockroach inside me acts up whenever there's a hot poor girl serving soup to strangers.

Makeup Department: okay no makeup on Terra EVER.

Nightwing, moving: why do you have 300 brown cardboard boxes of stuff?

Starfire: those are your dirty magazines. it's just my Sailor Moon wand and Jem hair gel.

Beast Boy: mama, did you think Ginyu from Dragon Ball Z was cute?

Terra: i'm more of an Uncle Wiggily woman.

Beast Boy: unhealthy online presence?

Terra: Twitter's not gonna last. before we kiss, i must warn you, i'm into older men...

Jason Mewes: i'm only "Other Guy" because i can't talk because i'm chewing gum.

Robin: i mean the team STILL hasn't searched for me, it's been a week...

Starfire: dick in a box?

Lucille Ball in the SNL dressing room: powder your nose, dear, save the nose powder for John Belushi.

John Belushi: my nose is shiny.

vj: a blowjob from an Early '80s MTV VJ.........preferably Cyndi Lauper...

Blond Rambo: walk the dog, then hog (motorcycle).

Jackie Fitzgerald: why aren't you part of a motorcycle gang? it's just you out there on the highway at 7 AM chasing the sunrise. 

Blond Rambo: i'm a loner, baby. it's the hog credo, to truly experience the freedom of being in a motorcycle gang, you must ride alone...

It's a Living.

Granville Van Dusen: you are related to someone who made it with Susan Sullivan, the first milf who ever lived.

Susan Sullivan: what a hunk. i had the most perfect bean-shaped butt.

Granville: someone who traveled the stars both as a Klingon AND as Jonny Quest...

Jen R, laughing: It's a Living, the ENDLESS SALAD!!!

me: i have a dream where i'm eating at Above the Top restaurant in that silver tower, for dinner i order only a salad.

Jen: it's a skyscraper spinning-restaurant that doesn't spin.

Larry on It's a Living: ladies, given up on dating? too many jerks? Larry will be a stable supporter, a pious provider, and a faithful father. and i'll only sell you a GTO...

It's a Living: we did the whole naked-priest thing first...

Comcast: we deliver high-speed internet to gas stations...

Vieve the bag girl at Safeway: i saw flies coming out of the Lucky donut case. 

Leslie Sbrocco: not all donut double-doors are the same.

Monica Pro: you know when it's early August and you REALLY need a summer shower to happen in the sky?...

Tour de France Femmes: but it's on Peacock...

'80s TV: the women were good-looking but not TOO good-looking...

new boyfriend: i'm not just a sudden replacement for the long love you had for your beloved Alaskan Malamute dog for 17 years?

Jillian Clare: my therapist says i'm making gains. meet him now.

Freud: see people latch onto pets because they can't handle scary uncertain complicated human relationships. Jillian is making progress, her relationships are not short and fickle...

universe: wait that's a stupid way for me to operate, i should help someone in need, not reflect their misery...

Hayao Miyazaki: hiya.

One Life to Live: a soap opera about Buddhists...

Patrick Swayze: are you laughing at my naked body?

director: is this because of your nose?

Jennifer Grey: no i'm giggling because nobody dances like this anymore. do i need to send this dance back to the Ministry of Silly Walks? 

Michael Jackson: this dance is silly. that's a silly dance.

Jennifer Grey: come on, man, it's the '80s, we breakdance.

Michael Jackson: strangely, i've never breakdanced. i have brokedanced tho...

a Xoloitzcuintli Colima-dog ceramic ocarina from Mexico comes out of the coin slot of the tabletop Donkey Kong arcade cabinet no one ever plays.

Xoxo: hola, calling me a cunt means something different in Mexico. also i'm hairless which is not very manly in Mexico.

me: where did you come from? Jen, it's genuine magic!!!

Jen R: i thought i was your magic. let me guess: from a Legends of the Hidden Temple temple.

Xoxo: close but no Mexican cigar. i come from a famous film.

Jen: can i blow you? like a Zelda pipe?

Xoxo: as tempting an offer as that is, vieja, my holes are just for show.

Jen: did he just call me an old lady? or ugly?

me: your name is Jojo?

Xoxo: it's pronounced Zozo...

MY MATTRESS: THE ONLY TIME I WAS AN ADULT

 

Georgia Kernell: so who were the other women?

me: what?

Georgia: when you think how Junior Year at Berkeley was your best year as an alive person, who were the freedoms you enjoyed?

me: oh you mean THAT woman. yeah, she was a Persian princess, had that Garine Babian look, beautiful in that exotic way only the Middle East affords. she let me tag along as she returned her graduation gown. looking back, she was rubbing it in my face that i was a doomed student. that shade of deep blue was so beautiful tho, i wish i would have worn that gown at least once.

Garine Babian: the shade was beautiful.

me: and then of course there was THAT woman. the one who looked like Ally Sheedy. 

Ally Sheedy: if Molly Ringwald turned goth.

me: when i told her Tori Amos makes love to the piano i was talking about sex but she thought i meant Tori Amos was a good piano-player.

Tori Amos: like i actually really make love to my piano. i fuck the piano, the physical object of the piano, in real time. i don't just splay out spreadeagle on the piano's lid like Michelle Pfeiffer in The Fabulous Baker Boys, i'm thrusting, i'm thrusting against the set of keys.

Georgia: see? note how i'm not jealous listening to you reminiscing on your other women, THAT is what it means to be a free adult...

Palm Springs: shoulda been called Palm Fronds.

me: i can get by with holes in my socks.

Jen R: as long as the hole isn't the big toe. a hole in the heel is fine.

Rage Against the Machine "Renegades of Funk": the official Oprah 2028 campaign song.

Katy Perry: does Canada have a Secret Service?

Justin Trudeau: yes, we use Wheels from Degrassi.

Beastie Boys: we're brothers.

Tony Hawk: AND i'm neighbors with Trent Reznor.

Leslie Sbrocco: THE STRIKE WAS SUCCESSFUL!!! we did it!!!

Monica Pro wearing cute black Smiths glasses without the lenses, just the black frames: yeah that just means i have to go back to work at a grocery store.

Leslie: come here, give me a hug, fall into my arms. i was on strike with you guys, too. i suffered along with you. i REFUSED to eat a sugar donut from Lucky, Safeway sugar donuts only. i was on a DONUT STRIKE!!!

Head of the Class "Mission to Moscow": not so much a TV-movie as as series of 99 short clips.

Robin Williams: you're on borrowed time.

me: can we switch? i was never one to be patient enough to be a teacher.

me: Match Game '74 is over before my morning alarm-clock sounds.

Jen R: my alarm clock is the Match Game '74 porno thinking music.

Olmec: on the island Match Game '74 comes on at 4PM. the show is my 5-Hour Energy. my joints are fucked, i can't get out to exercise...

Monica Pro: garbagemen need donut breaks, too.

Super Mario: yes, ma'am. i park my BIG-ASS green recycle truck in the middle of the Safeway parking lot and get a sugar donut. nobody else in the cab. we're like the trash cops.

Jillian Clare: i'm dating someone who is you as a black man.

me: you have no idea how painfully ironic that is for me...

NoizeBoy: so i guess i was gay.

Jillian Clare: yeah man, i mean these are DOOL tits to drool over!!! and to root for.

Choco Taco: long enough?...

It's a Living: the Salad UFO is lifting off.

Patti Deutsch: i was the Alien Queen...

E.T.: the Deutsch Voice. Patti Deutsch's voice emits a LOW frequency only my species of plant people can hear.

Marian Mercer: i play Ms. Krause in the Lifetime Movie.

Kansas: carry on my wayward son

don't you come back home

Molly Qerim: why do you walk that way?

Stephen A. Smith: i STRUT like George Jefferson. i was conceived during the first episode of The Jeffersons. that's gonna be the Presidential Strut one day.

George Jefferson: i went up the hill before that crazy British white chick Kate Bush and before Michael Jackson in The Fisher King.

Michael Jackson: i'm colorless.

Jen R: so i'm at the Hallmark Channel Experience in Calgary workshopping some ideas for movies. i got one: a divorced father who hires a plumber named Mario to be the babysitter. the movie can NOT star Sydney Sweeney.........she's too big for Hallmark Channel...

Mary Blair: i made Disney Disney.

Walt Disney: turns out i'm just another of the bungled and the botched.

Billy Corgan: Smashing Pumpkins "That's the Way My Love Is" is my poppy version of Depeche Mode "Strangelove."

Fletch from Depeche Mode: "Strangelove" is about that Kubrick movie.

Match Game '74 lower tier: it sucked for us. we were always craning our necks to talk to the celebrities on the upper tier, we needed permanent neckbraces after we retired.

In-N-Out Burger: you're gonna need a car to eat me...

Melissa Maker: it's time to take this marriage to the next level.

me: what do you mean?

Melissa: it's time for US to go to Towson Hot Bagels!!! i've never been to Baltimore. remember, if you're having a bad life, pickle chips. Pickle Doritos go with any sandwich.

me: but how do you know?

Melissa: i trust the Red String of Fate. there was a red string stuck to my dryer ball this morning.