I CANNOT BE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE: NO FLUFF

me: my first existential crisis was the day i was born...

Jen R: eating anything good?

me: i've really come around on Italian Wedding. you know? for decades i thought that soup was disgusting.

Jen: what do you attribute to the turnaround?

me: i think it really has to do with the wedding part. when i eat that soup, i pretend i'm at my own Medieval wedding marrying you.

Jen: i'm wearing one of those long purple conical hats with the purple veil at the tip, right? and a wreath of garlic bulbs over my vagina.

me: i'm drowning in quicksand.

Jen: oh, sorry, that's my Days of our Lives tiny-hourglass tree ornament. just turn it on its head when you flip the star on top...

Jen: i know you're angry all the time, but can you pinpoint ONE thing this week?

me: i'm doing the laundry and the FUCKING DRYER BALL GETS FUCKING LOST!!! i can't stand my life.

Jen: what'd you do about it?

me: i couldn't handle it anymore, i told the people, "look, i'm not your washerwoman. if YOU lose the ball you drop the ball and your laundry will NOT come out nice and fluffy." i tell them to imagine their clothes coming out dried but without the CUDDLY SOFTNESS of the fluff.  

Jen: and you know how much i love to cuddle. you know where the dryer ball is?

me: for fuck sake where?

Jen: look on the TOP LEDGE on the ceiling of the dryer. it's on the ledge upside-down...

you can't teach touch: small quarterbacks make the best lovers...

MC Hammer: ...

Maiara Walsh: me as Helen of Troy, that is perfect casting. me with Joaquin Phoenix in some epic sword-and-sandal film set in Ancient Greece would be a DREAM.

Trent Reznor: the world after my death will be impossibly dark...

Clarissa Explains It All: the stability of suburbia, it has a warm feeling. the scripts talked about mom's boyfriend and dad's girlfriend, those lines of dialogue were subtly inserted into the teleplay, Nickelodeon was tricky like that...

Kevin Belton: i'm a BIG-ASS gay boy from Louisiana who gets hos. i don't need no belt, loving gumbo is not a crime. i'm the most SQUEEZABLE teddy bear you'll ever encounter on the mean streets of Bourbon. they call me the New Orleans Nerd. see you at the parade!!! i'll be the Cookie Monster with the daffodil parasol.

Ulysses 31: the intro theme song for his show is ALL WRONG...

Ulysses 31: for a sumptuous fantasy space-opera like this, the animation is THIN...

The Good Karma Hospital: when you're missing Mira Nair's Monsoon Wedding and have no insurance, sleep in a cottage hospital for 7 days, no one will notice. the shelves are stacked with opium in the shape of a sugarloaf.

Parminder Nagra on PBS: hankering for a hookup? look at my innocent face, there's no way i'd be an FBI cop in Britain...

Mira Nair: monsoons are the most romantic weather, sex during a monsoon produces orange flowers on the corners of the continent of India.

Time Masters (1982).

hyponiterix: that's a 1970s sci-fi word...

dad: yes.

at the space hospital.

alien: i'm feeling a little GREEN around the gills, nurse.

Vinnie Barbarino: you just want the relaxing sleep and comfort that comes with lying in a hovering floating glass bed-capsule...

Mick Jagger: how do you feel, old hippie?

Silbad in a hospital bed: i'd feel better if you'd remove these two silver steel metal plates out of my head, they're very distracting.

a pod lands on the hornet planet. a Popeye soldier pops out.

Popeye: YOOOOOOOOO JOE!!! you will NEVER have a good basketball team!!!

Popeye: i'm tough so i can wear this earring.

computer: wanna hear a Mitch Hedberg joke about time?...

Capp: humans NEVER have time...

Master of Time: time stops when you're having fun. that's why i'm dressed as a giant glowstick for the rave in space later tonight...

Washed Out: that's a Washed Out cube...

Silbad/Piel: to be a hippie, you must be a child...

Jen R: how much time does it take to get your Masters?

me: please, don't make me think about that again, it's too devastating.

Cam Newton: i dress like this because i want to be on an episode of 1980s Cosby Show...

Talia the cat: i yelp all the time because.........attention economy...

Talia the cat: i am LOVING the new kitty litter, i feel like a snow leopard dipping my tigress toes in the white sands of the Sahara. 

Jennifer Pizarro: every time you drink another red can of Coca-Cola Classic again, you spend time with me again. those tiny bubbles of black-brown fizz slipstreaming up your nostrils.

me: i'm not paying you for any of these sessions.

Jen R: why not?

me: because this was all about a way for me to spend time with you.

Jen: dude that is down-dirty. that's low, bro. bro you wrong for that.

me: don't you want to be comfortable in your own psychiatrist office?

Jen: sure. i'd like to lie on YOUR couch. it's not fair, the patient gets to be all nice and comfy with a snug blanket over but the doctor has to sit his bony behind on a hard bench with his legs crossed taking notes like a Superman reporter.

me: here, have my large industrial brown pillow in the shape of a Tetris block. every day at 4PM i take this big brown twill Tetris pillow from the couch over to my room, put it against my two wimpy other saggy bean pillows against my headboard, and only then can i comfortably watch El Gordo y La Flaca from my bed. it's the only time i feel good all day.

Jen, smiling subtly: and now.........you heal... 

 

I CANNOT BE WITH THE WOMAN I LOVE: HAALAND VS. PICKFORD, OILED, NAKED

 

Jen R: name one thing that makes you feel good.

me: why do i have to lie down on the psychiatrist TABLE? did you see that EPIC penalty kick between Erling Haaland and Jordan Pickford?

Jen: a gladiatorial gauntlet!!! a showdown of sun gods!!! soccer at the Acropolis. to be really Roman those two needed to be oiled, naked, with their togas around their ankles.

me: it went EXACTLY like this:

Jordan Pickford at the goalie spot: come on then. my antics are annoying only if i'm not on YOUR team.

Erling Haaland: do i speak English or Odinese?

Pickford after the block: JUST like that basketball guy i'm named after. I SLAY THE NORDIC CONAN WARRIOR BEASTMAN!!!

Haaland: i was too early. i cannot believe i lost to this Dickensian wastrel, this juvenile waif, who lives homeless on the streets of Surrey, a chimneysweep's sooty son.

Pickford: what was it that distracted you? my tongue? my Michael Jordan tongue? 

Haaland: no, your tongue is childish, Mike's tongue was cool. it was that joke you told in my ear right before i put foot to ball.

Pickford: why is New Year's always a disappointment? because they always drop the ball...

Snoop Dogg: slight correction, my SNL Mother's Day Message was to Tupac's mother...

Tupac's moms Afeni Shakur: how do you think my baby got on the label? why does DEEZ NUTS never stop being funny?

ESPN First Take producers: always be making Dan Orlovsky flustered, our ratings SPIKE whenever Orlovsky shows his puzzled face.

Dan Orlovsky: the audience loves seeing me agitated.

Michael Weiss: all Instagram is now is people posting pics about how tired they are and videos about how all they want to do is sleep...

Marianne Faithfull: i was Adele before Adele.

Magnus Carlsen in jeans: guys, i am REALLY BORED WITH CHESS. does anyone have Brooke Shields's number? i'll settle for the drummer from White Stripes. what's my next chess move going be on the chessboard? 501. i'm drinking coffee, black brew, i'm scared for the first time in my life...

Victor Wembanyama in NYC: this is boring, i'm beating people too easily, it's like me being tall all over again. does Magnus Carlsen play Chess in the Park? he's on every other chess circuit.

Magnus Carlsen: i love Chess in the Park, i can wear my jeans here. and the rats in Central Park all wear tiny Santa hats, unlike the pigeons, who wear tiny Mike Tyson boxing training jackets.

Virgin Mary: i have the same white rose as that Moonlight Knight guy from Sailor Moon...

Usagi: Mamoru, memory, get it?

Mamoru: my name means "bubblegum" in Japanese...

Vaporwave: life's not that easy. you know? life isn't just another moodpiece...

Mardith: eat pussy, not animals.

Eddie Vedder and Trent Reznor: animals, both meanings...

Jennifer Pizarro: i was the Primary Pussy, the Primary P, the Primary Pizarro.

Optimus Prime: Pizarro Prime.

mom and dad are in the big living room. dad is adjusting the extendable dining table. he pushes the table LONGER.

mom: Uncle Pat killed himself, remember?

dad pulls the extendable table SHORTER.

the duet no one saw coming.

Eddie Vedder: i'm from Seattle but i look like a Chicago guy.

Glen Hansard: come on, Vedder, reach for that high note on "Falling Slowly," after all you do sing "Black..."

Glen: like my old-man beard?

Eddie: i'm only friends with you because i should be with old Kurt now...

Ragunda: El Segundo in Sweden.

Time Masters (1982).

Liberace: i'm a prince like Vegeta.

gnome 1: why don't the humans treat this gold like party popcorn?

gnome 2: value, thought, concept, humans are too complicated for their own good.

boy: but i'll drown, i won't float, i'm a witchboy.

Sharon Stone: don't worry, i zapped Liberace with my glowing dart gun.

Sharon Stone: all women in space operas are secret lounge singers...

white angels: fear not, you won't turn to stone, we have no faces, just don't look at our dicks...

white angels: hey, this is our church, that's religious persecution!!!

Mick Jagger: why does this prison look like Matthew McConaughey's Time is a Flat Circle?

Liberace: we can fight them, Mick, i have the advantage, i'm wearing hippie clothes, they won't know how to fight me!!!

Mick: that's where you're wrong, we must defeat that GIANT LAVA LAMP!!!

gnomes: isn't it cool how we fly SILENTLY?

Lava Lamp: the thing is, in order to be free, there must be war...

Lava Lamp: oh damn, one of my white angels was Bloth from The Pirates of Dark Water!!!

Cobra Commander from G.I. Joe: all '80s cartoons had that same laser sound, it was as if the laser was wet, it was a WET LASER.

David Dennis Jr. from ESPN: i'm Ice-T in a suit.

Ice-T: business suit, not pimp suit.

Never Stop Being a Dad: don't leave the family, dad...

Jen R, Greykid, Trinity, Talia, and i are all in another small cramped claustrophobic room.

Jen R: the first step is to care for others. stop being selfish!!! stop thinking only of yourself!!! tend to your animals. i always see your cats and they always have their ears pinned back, your cats are frustrated with you, your cats are pissed off at you!!!

Talia: no our ears are pinned back like that because we're actually AT an airport.

Trinity: airplane ears are cute on cats.

Greykid: does this airport have a cat lounge?...

me: where is this flight we're all boarding going to?

Jen: i don't know. it's for your own good. it'll be healthy for you...