JONNY & LUCY: KIRKLAND CAR

 

Jaleel White: okay next question in our Fast Flips Round, which is the whinier music: that '80s Rambo NES video game, or anything by Guns N Roses?

Lucy: think about this one, honey. think about our wedding song.

Jonny: right. you said "November Rain" was so played-out. 

Lucy: and you said Rambo was your favorite Nintendo game. you said it reminded you of being at a WWI ballroom dancing with a gas mask on. even though Rambo is the Vietnam war.

Jaleel: you know you two as a couple have really won everyone here in the Flip Side audience over. you've won the country over, which is impossible in 2024. you've won the world over. really we're all just jealous of your love. you two have an energy, a vibe, this easy aura, that the rest of us will seek fruitlessly to find in our own lives till our dying day. how'd you two meet?

Lucy: Jonny reminded me of Craig from Kiss Me Kate...

Jonny: yeah. and we had a friend in our past who went crazy. but nobody wants to hear about that. nobody asked for that. don't want to dampen the love buzz.

Jaleel: hey Lucy, look at my lips. whenever a contestant gives a risque or ribald answer, i start moistening my lips like this, you like that?

Lucy: i mean it's just what Shaq does with his lips, right?

Jaleel: damn girl you tough.

Rublev at the mic at the presser shortly after his loss to Alcaraz: yeah but do you guys know about diarrhea? huh? DO YOU KNOW WHAT DIARRHEA IS!!!

Malice.

Aaron Sorkin: i write erotic thrillers?...

Aaron Sorkin: i can't write a steamy sex scene between Nicole Kidman and Alec Baldwin, Tom Cruise would kill me!!! Tom Cruise calls me on the telephone in the middle of the night when i'm praying by my bed. i dread 1 AM every night...

Alec Baldwin: it's okay, I am God, that's the same as Scientology, right?

Witches of Eastwick lawns...

Bebe Neuwirth: simple solution: ban all frats, make society a happy place again.

Alec: one of those tiny cantaloupe scoops...

Nicole Kidman: don't put a plastic bag over your head!!! i'm gonna speak to Jerry Brown about this.

Peter Gallagher: Nic is a modern '90s woman, she has a husband and a boyfriend. 

Martin Yan: and you thought Chinese food wasn't sexy.

Nicole Kidman: not a butt double...

peeping-tom boy: don't mind me watching your wife's naked butt, i'm lonely and trying to invent Vaporwave in my bedroom.

Bill Pullman: i'm supposed to be Armenian? the quarterback gave me a swirlie. our quarterback was Catherine Tate.

student Gwyneth Paltrow: i can't control the world. but i have found love on campus. my alarm clock plays Coldplay "Clocks"...

Bayer aspirin: for abdominal pain. torsed is fun to say.

Alec: i'm impervious to naked women. but not to bottles of apple cider.

computer: flying-toasters screensaver, toasters with angel wings, the '90s were innocent, not like the AI we have now.

Little Mermaid in the fishbowl.

Jen R: remember moccasins at St. Cyril's?

Alec at the Boston bar: this isn't a macabre conversation, this is just that Twilight Zone episode...

Massachusetts college town: so it's supposed to be Harvard For Women, right? not Radcliffe?...

frozen section: a medical procedure. also where the pizzas are kept at Safeway.

Alec: why am i watching Turbo Teen?...

Alec: i get it, church raffles give out those cool television sets with the wood paneling.

Bill: Mrs. Worthington, got any pancake syrup for the power outage?...

J Monday: a British tennis player. and Bond good guy.

4h of July at Costco: not as busy as Christmas at Costco, because nobody's around during summer...

Texas: the hub of cricket...

Japanese hot-dog eaters: we made this sport cool. what happened?...

dog days of summer: no longer the hot-dog days of summer...

stability: greater than greatness.

Uneven Edge: we're used to arrogant One Piece villains who go on forever, we watch a lot of Nitro Wrestling...

Videl: my shirt says FIGHT, not TIGHT.

Marco Rubio: i cheated...

Rachel Maddow: learn from me how to be a happy hermit...

Uranus and Neptune from Sailor Moon S: we're lesbians who go to church...

Adidas: providing the marijuana for the grassheads at Wimbledon.

Chemical Brothers "Galvanize": the official song of the Club World Cup...

Admiral Piett: it's not fair, the air in the Death Star was clean...

Sonay Kartal: being a bodybuilder has its advantages when you're trying to serve a tennis ball. you see why i do two sports? my boyfriend is the World's Strongest Man, he lives in Crete by a stone medicine ball. my husband is Karnov...

F1: all the drivers are 12 years old...

Jules Smith: apart from Tom Holland, i enjoy all Brits. i hate that little shit Spider-Man.

Everwood: the 2000s Wonder Years.

soccer: NOBODY wants Extra Time...

Jonny and Lucy are at home at the house after pocketing their prize money.

Lucy: let's celebrate in the bedroom with dried-flake potatoes and no condoms.

Jonny: but i thought you said we didn't want to have kids?

Lucy: life is too short to be alone. fuck me like a pincushion.

the fucking goes on for a long time in that bed.

Jonny: by my count you've bounced on my dick 50 times now. 

Lucy: isn't it hotter when the woman has LONG hair that flips up and down with the thrusting and thrashing?

Jonny: it takes two years for a woman to grow out hair long, right?

Lucy: this is why i liked you on our second date, you notice things.

Jonny: do you always leave the window open like that when we're fucking?

Lucy: just to let the air in. fresh air. it starts to get musty in here from the love juice.

a woman in a parked car at their lawn sidewalk is peeping-tomming through the large open bay window at the couple. she burns rubber speeding off after she looks at them looking at her.

Lucy: damn, that woman caught glimpse of my naked butt!!! hope she liked the view.

Jonny: we all know who that was. and by all i mean the two of us.

Lucy: yeah it had to be her, that was a Kirkland car.

Jonny: Kirkland makes cars, too? at Costco?

 

MACY'S IN THE '80s: GHOSTING IS SO LAME

 

me: i'm scared to go into Macy's again.

Jen R: i'll hold your hand.

me: forever?

Jen: through it.

me: this is the most important purchase of my life.

Jen: now wait, remember, i'm a simple girl, no gaudy jewelry unless it's antique kitsch, no baubles unless they're Liza's, no rings.

me: are there rings other than diamond rings?...

Videl from behind the counter: i was the woman who got you to respect women. i went up against a man in a BRUTAL fight. i did not get any of my courage from my father Satan...

Jen: so what'd you get?

i take a fuzzy purple ringbox out and snap it like Richard Gere.

Jen: the fuck, man. do you have nine nails in your head?

me: open it.

Jen: don't snap at me.

it's not a ring. per se. it's a crumpled-up plane ticket in the shape of a ring.

Jen: one-way ticket to Baltimore. huh.

me: it's an existential question: when is it not stalking?

Jen: when it's in a Hallmark Movie and you're a handsome man who's a beekeeper. then following the woman to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is romantic.

Jen: wait, you're not then also gonna do the second-box cliche, are you?

me: this is ME here. the writer, remember?

i pull out a second ringbox from my back buttpocket. 

Jen: i am digging the Vaporwave lush, i'm sleeping in this crushed velvet. this one is a ring-shaped piece of paper that's not laminated. a.........bank note?

me: read the balance on my account.

Jen: $150,000?!!! must be a typo.

me: it is. a painful typo. a crushing computer glitch.

Jen: shame, i like rich men.

me: i now know how it feels to be Melissa Maker, just for one day...

Tim Robbins on the SNL set at the Goodbyes: i couldn't care less that Sinead O'Connor just ripped the Pope's pic in half, i'm staring at a woman in the audience who is my wife. SOMEHOW my wife is fucking Susan Sarandon!!! i'm trying to figure this out...

around the mall at all the obscure boutique niche shoppes outside with blue rope bordering their windows you don't notice passing on your way to a giant pretzel that makes you salt-sick later:

Sailor Moon S: Tokyo, otherwise known as San Francisco...

Red Dwarf: the next thing will come when the next Zelda thing comes...

Nintendo GameCube: the games weren't great but the cube shape was cool.

Macintosh: ...

Cameron Mathison: i have a degree in civil engineering.........you believe that, right? from Berkeley. i use my degree to host a bridge game-show. isn't a truss a girdle?...

Monica Pro: what are you doing?

Leslie Sbrocco: i applied for the job. stockboy at Safeway. you have to train me now, i'm UNDER you...

Monica: do not walk behind me when i'm in the freezer aisle.

Betsy McCloud: Brewster McCloud's mother.

me: celebrating the red, white, and blue?

Jen: not anymore in this world. just blue. as in i'm drinking a big cube-shaped bottle of blue GIN to celebrate still being alive with Sjogren's.

Jen: but why are you so perberbed all the time? you're always agitated.

me: if you had stuck around and not ghosted me the rest of my life i'd be quite sanguine today. as long as you're around, i have no problems. as long as we're texting about the '70s and raw milk in a copper can, i am properly saturated.

Jen: one evening at the Colonnade...

me: now tho, i'm just waiting to die. but i have 20 more years to live. so it's a long wait. how should i fill the time?...

Jen: that's a LOT of dead-air time...

Valley Girls: it's just called The Galleria...

Lucio: i was your best friend because i was lucid...

Dalai Lama: my successor is Gregg Popovich. okay? so don't take away his extended-absence wins, that's why he was away.

Super Mario in a greasy apron in the dark underground neon-lit Ameci Pizza mall-box at the Sherman Oaks Galleria food court: meat sauce, when you want to turn your spaghetti into lasagna...

Jen Pizarro: my tits are oval, like your Ned's thermos...

Jeff Baena: why didn't Sailor Pluto stop time and save me?

Aubrey Plaza: you got into anime too late in life...

Nobodyman: i hung up on a girl, now i'm hung up on a girl...

Chris Hardwick: see Singled Out was such a FILTHY immoral show, i had to do The Wall to give back to society, to return niceness, charity both meanings, and good works to the world. Lenny Dykstra, my favorite baseball player, was the first The Dude and the first man to listen to Nine Inch Nails. cosplay is a losing battle...

StaceyRPG: i make you feel old. i genuinely have no idea who U2 are. not to mention Nirvana. Crossfit is a Ponzi scheme, it's just volleyball...

strawberries-and-cream sandwiches: yeah Japan already did this in the '80s. at the British Macy's which has food...

Dave Parker: your first Pirate. and your first Ghostbuster.

triangle (musical instrument): best as Zelda music...

Lex Luthor: with this bald head, i would never have scored on Skins...

Jimmy Somerville: i'm not the "Never Gonna Give You Up" guy...

me: are you ready to fight for us?

Jen R: no. 

me: i am.

Jen: but why are you so drawn to me?

me: i love you.

Jen: are you sure it has nothing to do with that one time in passing when i mentioned that i like to be choked during sex?

me: .........i mean.........i've thought about it.........but how would that work? you know? how could that be implemented safely? it's just too dangerous to pull off.

Jen: yeah you're right. forget i said anything.

MACY'S IN THE '80s: FOOD-COURT BLUES

 

me: pizza is like sex...

Jen R: but that's not true. when the pizza is Sbarro.

me: yeah.

Jen: shame really. the pizza we grew up on in the mall really wasn't that good. but Sbarro is the "mall pizza," you know?  

me: gotta say i don't remember this place being this busy in the '80s.

Jen: bacon pizza?

me: um, sure. no, keep it classic, pepperoni only.

Super Mario in a greasy apron: no pizza here. we try to expand our palate and our minds, we make Italian food but no pizza, we serve spaghetti, just spaghetti. i have a trick i took from Luigi when he was sleeping. wait for the water in the pot to boil, THEN drop the pasta in.

Jen: oh wow this spaghetti takes like shit!!! 

me: you're right, it tastes like.........RICE...

Jen: i'm gonna do something for you to prove that i love you in which our bodies never touch.

me: that's impossible.

Jen orders 100 Ameci pizzas to be delivered to Sbarro at the mall.

Jen: here. see? just make the Sbarro mall-box an Ameci mall-box from now on. change EVERYBODY's memories of the '80s.

i kiss Jen on the neck.

me: the good stuff.

Jen: the pizza?

Daima: each episode-title letter forms the chant which summons the Dragon.

Suzy Lu: that chant turns my hair black, i look like feminist Videl...

Daima: Dragon Ball does Zelda...

assigned seating: make planes like school...

White Palace.

Max: how did you know my soulmate broke her neck in a car accident?

psychic sister: i was at Woodstock.

Judy: why does Nora have miniature golf on her porch? please continue, a man has never passionately kissed me. i'm cooking a turkey on Thursday in NYC, it's going to be the very first Friendsgiving.

Chandler: ...

Jen R: that's the most beautiful bond that can be created in the world, when two strangers decide to form their own family.

me: Thanksgiving mattered in the '90s, the frenzied panorama at Ralph's fetching the 30 ingredients was FUN.

Jen: those elongated silver-cage grocery trolleys. you could smoke in a grocery store in the '90s. remember when over $100 was a massive deal?

Nora: wanna rent a movie at the grocery store? how about White Palace.

Max: derivative Red Shoe Diaries mush.

Rachel: invite over your mystery lady, she chose you so she has good taste.

Susan Sarandon: omg it's the Law & Order guy!!! can i have your autograph? debt? nobody cares about debt.

Horowitz: the Jewish family everyone knew in the '80s...

Jen: this is Pee-wee Herman's real mansion...

Nora: separate tub and shower? fuck this rich shit. we DO serve kugel at White Palace tho.

Confucius say: don't judge a person by their blowjob.

Heidi Solomon: you never called me back, silly. silly boy, i'm right here. the life of Africa could be yours!!!

Dear John letter: I love you. don't look for me. that makes sense, right?

Jen: people don't hire PIs for anything anymore.

Tom Selleck: fuck the internet.

me: this is EXACTLY what i want to do!!! move to Berkeley and worry about the job later.

Jen: it's not stalking if you move to another city.

James Spader: if your son hadn't died, we wouldn't have been together. that's kinda disturbing.

Susan Sarandon: just the way i like it, honey.

Heidi Solomon: *on the answering machine* you have a new woman in your life? dirty boy. oh well. call me anyway... 

Tolkien: the Shire was based on Costa Rica...

Jen vacuums the Sherman Oaks Galleria. it takes seven hours to vacuum the whole mall.

Jen: NOW we're doing Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Jackson Browne: this brings a tear to my eye so softly i've decided to pick up every single piece of ash i dropped from my McDonald's amber ashtray and dump it in the fountain.

me: this made me melancholic.

Jen: remember, your soulmate could just be a crazy person...

Match Game '74: the thinking music is porn music.

Charlie Brill: i'm Mr. Kotter in real life...

crashing bore: only applies to Morrissey...

Rob Mac: a McDonald's in Philadelphia...

shark whisperer: the only proper way to celebrate Jaws's 50th.

lucid grandpa: gives you sage love advice from the 1880 Prussian War.

non-lucid grandma: goes crazy when you mention raisins.

Kiss Me Kate: audience "aw"s at Craig's every foible of his hopeless love life.

Craig: there's a lesson in all this: go to Amsterdam as a friend...

Jen R: raining out, your car's battery dies, you knock at a stranger's apartment to call for a cab, that was so '90s.

Max Boot: i work for Comcast...

Frank Reynolds: i get away with ANYTHING because i'm short...

Don Flamenco: i'm suddenly SUPER STRONG the second time you face me. Mike Tyson gave me some stuff...

Match Game '74: always answer "wife".

Scoey Mitchell: i like my buns soggy. in pickle juice. never put cheese on a burger. in the ghetto there actually is no word for "butt"...

Tarzan: i'm drawing a BLANK.

King Kong: i'm Catholic.

Fannie Flagg: when you think of me, you think of the word "girdle".

Richard Nixon: what fun for the American public to watch this during Watergate...

Star Patrol spotlight: an INSANE candela beam of light that is illegal for all to use...

Batman: no cops. just me.

Robert Pattinson: i can use this spotlight as Batman AND a lighthouse keeper. but not as a Shakespearean actor.

a thimble on your thumb: so steampunk.

CVS: don't go to a drugstore on the weekends...

Spider-Man: i cheat at parkour with my webs...

my person: someone other than you...

Monica Pro: i have a walkie-talkie in my back buttpocket, not an iPhone, that's how professional i am.

Leslie Sbrocco: if i went under your ladder, it'd be good luck. take me, bitch. scan me, what's my price?...

Sascha Zverev: i wish i was Dirk Nowitzki...

Rinderknech: when you look like Bradley Cooper, you have a chance.

Jen: follow me here, they're tortilla chips, but actual tortillas, like the chip is a rolled-up tortilla.

me: oh, like Takis.

Jen: Takis?

i take out bags of Takis from my backpack.

me: present from the future.

Jen: remember when you could have backpacks in the mall in the '80s? people shoplifted, but the mall cops were cool back then. the mall cop was your neighbor's father. huh, these are pretty bad. such that i'm ticked.

me: yeah.

Jen: Fajita Flavor? do you just have an Original flavor or something? oh god this blue one is ghastly.

i pour the bags of Takis into the GIANT mall trashcan. 

me: Takis are terrible.

Jen: replace this Wendy's mall-box with a Takis mall-box. let's see now Jackson Browne reacts. 

 

 

MACY'S IN THE '80s: REDKEN ERRAND

 

Jen R: so i need to get some Redken for my hair. it's the '80s and we're going to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

me: are you sure i'm not dreaming?

Jen: yes.

me: yes what?

Jen: you're not dreaming.

me: it's just this is what i imagine the perfect day for me would be. this is me in Heaven.

Jen: tagging along with me to do a boring errand?

me: exactly. 

we open the heavy Macy's doors to the expansive perfumed amphitheater inside. Videl is the makeup girl behind the glass cubes.

Jen: i haven't see this flavor of Redken shampoo before.

Videl: this is my own brand. 

Jen: a woman selling her OWN shampoo not part of a company? in the '80s? unheard of!!!

Videl: Videl's Magic Hair, it turns your short haircut back long when your boyfriend dumps you.

Jen: i knew Gohan was a jerk!!! wanna talk about it?

Videl: NO!!! 

Jen: is Satan a good listener?

Videl: yes.

Bjork: are you in pain? Icelandic mussels won't help. only my music will help. i'm a skinny sprite.

White Palace.

James Spader: they got the order wrong. i hate when they get the order wrong. they put cheese in the burgers. who eats cheese on burgers?

Susan Sarandon: i got my revenge for not being in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore...

Kal Penn: where have i been? no one knows. when i was working for Obama i had no IDEA the world would end up like THIS. White Castle sliders are concentrated salt pucks. you forgot that i killed myself on House...

James: for the record, thirtysomething is a boring show...

Gina Gershon: so Stephanie Deluc ends up being a better match for Max despite the smugness. they only argue over mustard on burgers. i'm not bitter...

Susan: yuppies are in St. Louis?...

Nora: Mr. Sterile here is reporting a robbery.

Jen R: that's what people in the '90s did: work at some greasy spoon till 5 in the afternoon, go to a bar till midnight, one-night stand, call their mother on Sunday.

Nora: look at that face!!! has anybody ever told you you look like Jason from Friday the 13th?

Max: the TV show?

Nora: you have that LEAN muscle like those Hungarian swimmers with the bubblegum arms.

God: most people react to death by laughing...

Nora: oooh, so chivalrous how you buckle me up, fasten my seatbelt over my big tits, so BDSM.

Max: no smoking in the car, see that New Car Smell air-freshener tree dangling from my rearview mirror? let it do its work.

Madame Pons: now that's a WOMAN's bathroom: mint-chocolate-chip tub, 10 upright vibrators, 10 vibrator-shaped bottles of shampoo, and an Egyptian cat statue.

Jen R: i've never vomited while i was smoking a cigarette...

Max: wait, my soulmate never gave me fellatio...

Nora: that was passionate sex? that was painful sex.

Pope Leo: dude, don't smell her vibrator, that's creepy.

Jen R: that answering-machine message was so WARM, so BEAUTIFUL!!! oh. that's how dating was in the '90s, you had to lay out your feelings on a phone message, it was so simple, so tender. 

dad: a woman who likes Schumann? snatch her before it's too late!!!

Father Navin: like having dirty thoughts at church. mine tend to involve chocolate.

Nora: did you know the Greeks invented the vacuum cleaner? i'm a 40-year-old woman, i'm old enough to remember when Ring Dings were wrapped in FOIL. so they didn't need a coaster. my place isn't dirty, it's kitschy. i am not a fan of RL Stine.

Jen R: i want to get my hair right for the new guy.

me: you have a new man?

Jen: of course, it's me. i do the same things with him we used to do together. you know like settling into bed over the text-phone at 7 PM for me, 4 PM for you. watching a little vintage SNL, Portlandia, and Emergency!. talking about cereal. how i'm not allowed to buy cereal.

me: what's your obsession with that Emergency! show?

Jen: i trust TV over RFK Jr. when it comes to home remedies.

me: i hope you know what you said about the other man really REALLY hurt me. i recognize you're an EXTRAORDINARY woman who will have many many many lovers. i only ask to be one of them. i can only hope to SHARE you. if you have 7 men, let me be 1 of 7.

Jen: like that Jeri Ryan Star Trek character?

Larry serenades his grocery customers at his Safeway checkout conveyor belt, he sings Warren G's "Regulate."

Larry: see my gat exploded. but then i went back into freak mode and my dick exploded. now watch this, listen to this, i'm gonna sing Eastside Motel with that Nate Dogg RESONANT HARMONY...

Charles Nelson Reilly: i only wear socks when i'm going to the bathroom.

Jacques Pepin: every word i say sounds like "massage."

Tai: ...

Tai: remember, i'm a Level 2 Reiki healer so i take no guff, my words are magic, my touch moves mountains.

LSDream: LSD dream: laser dream

Hayao Miyazaki: okay so i kinda BORROWED Falkor. except my Falkor is a dragon...

Marilyn Monroe: why didn't i end up a '50s happy housewife?...

Greykid: chartreuse eyes...

Jeff Baena and Nicky Katt: we were supposed to be Pillars of Light...

vibratory: not involving a vibrator...

Savannah Bananas baseball: if baseball was WWF wrestling.

Club World Cup: the type of specific soccer tournament someone like Serano would watch...

Jeff Bezos/Lauren Sanchez wedding: the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in real life...

Cafe Coffee: really, Kiss Me Kate? Cafe Coffee? ANYTHING ELSE would have been more creative. Beanpot. Beanpot for the coffee shoppe.

Kiss Me Kate: British Seinfeld with a female Jerry...

fortnight: only happened at a tavern in Shakespearean times...

Brad Pitt: F1 in the future will have no pit stops, all four tires will be changed DURING the race...

the last day on Earth: China and the U.S. trading bunker-buster bombs in the sky as woolly mammoths roam the land below...

Fareed Zakaria: i lead a charmed life. i go from one Ideas Festival to another in ski boots.

Data: you may experience the emptiness with me if you wish.

Geordi La Forge: you just obliterated your philosophical argument, my robot friend.

Data: i'm an android, not a cyborg. 

Geordi: i used to have a jheri curl...

Tijuana: where you go for Bible study...

hobbits: the Bilbo baked potato is good. with Shire chives.

King Charles: i'm a compassionate king, Trump's a wannabe king.

Main Street Electric Parade: your first jolt of Disney magic.

Kurt Cobain: i saw Darryl Strawberry at the same Rome rehab center i was in a week before. 

Darryl Strawberry: dirty urine samples are so '90s. 

Bob Forrest: i was there, too. as Darryl's counselor. 

Kurt: you're a drug counselor? i thought you were in a band...

Bob Forrest: Darryl and i had a breakthrough when Darryl admitted to me he watched the movie D.A.R.Y.L. against his mother's wishes.

Advil: we made the U.S. Men's Soccer Team good...

Topanga: why you savaging Boy Meets World on Yahoo?...

college: you really DON'T have the month of June off...

Nobodyman: nothing dumber than hanging up on a woman.

Jen R: right? especially if it's a rotary phone.

Jen R: well i gotta try out my new shampoo don't i?

me: where?

Jen: when in doubt, go down the Macy's escalator.

we descend to the 3rd Floor. Jen casually takes her clothes off.

me: wait, i've always wanted to say this to a woman: take yer kit off...

Jen saunters big-toe-first into one of the massive light-blue walkaround showers.

Jen: it's fun doing a walkabout in here.

me: how are you so casual being naked in public?

Jen: i'm not. have you taken a look around? nobody is here. nobody is EVER on the Basement Floor of a Macy's at 3 PM...