PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: CANADIAN D&D

 

Melissa: Critical Role, amirite? in order to get close to Laura Bailey i have to do this Dungeons & Dragons shit? is voice acting gonna turn out to be harder than acting? i avoided Dungeons & Dragons LIKE THE PLAGUE in high school because i needed to go to the prom to be somebody. prom date=future.

Chad: as in The Plague of Dungeons & Dragons times?...

me: shall we discuss that movie with the lawyer thumping furiously the woman he's helping with her divorce case? 

Chad: that's not from a Grisham book, that's your porn collection.

Melissa: they say divorcee sex is spicy. i'm trying to be a cool mom for my daughter but these TikTok memes are giving me IBS. Sardine Girl? but i don't like pizza. who does? 

Chad: we're just another sad cynical cyclical broken home but our daughter is gonna save us with her wholesome, she just fambushed us at the D&D table!!!

Vampire Hunter D (1985): that '80s Castlevania anime we keep hearing about...

Instagram: if you don't have friends on here, it's a mess...

white bus: scary.

Vin Diesel: see i'm like that, i like the desert. i can shine the sun on my bald head away so Death Valley becomes Iceland.

Bobby Jones: sure my half-bellbottoms were cool but i played golf wearing a tie...

2025: can we go back to the optimism of the Renaissance?...

escape room artist: i both painted the escape room like the Mona Lisa and escaped the room...

Santa: Christmas is not my birthday...

Melissa: but why did you want to be with me?

me: Canada. yeah. it was mostly the Canada thing. i really need a nice stable county to go to to live out the rest of my days when the United States goes under. 

Jaleel White: wait the audience on Flip Side have to sit in individual dining-table chairs? come on, man, get bleachers.

Miller on Flip Side wearing a maroon down fleece soft sweater: i'm the gay Asian Seinfeld.

Jacques Pepin: the tenderest way to spend a sunny summer evening.

Claudine: meat tenderizer. i have thyme for one more.

Jess Pegula: i don't play tennis, soup-straining is my exercise.

Hans Zimmer: i'm classical music.

Vampire Hunter D (1985).

D: no i'm not Dracula's son. i am Balki from Perfect Strangers. 

Ralph Waldo Emerson: have a noble temper like a vampire...

Lister: yeah my electric toothbrush is Kochanski's vibrator. i'm not proud of that. i use the Rimmer trimmer on me dreads...

Dr. J: the best part of the NBA Finals? the champagne.

Tulsi Gabbard: i went ring-chasing like LeBron. there was no way i was gonna get any position of power in a Democrat administration...

me: i started a Nine Inch Nails Therapy club at my school Berkeley.

Trent Reznor: that smart college Berkeley? the problem was no one came.

me: yeah. they all decided they would rather suffer in silence than talk to me. 

Trent: turned into None Inch Nails.

Chad: i'm tired and bored at the same time, how is that possible?...

Chad: i'm going places.........now...

Rafael Nadal: i'm now a marquis. but i'm taking it a step further, i'm gonna be a Marquis In Spades. did you know the largest Smashing Pumpkins fanbase is college-aged women from Spain?

Billy Corgan: take a look at my wife...

Richard Williams: 78 pages. it wouldn't have worked if it was 80 pages...

at the Arsenio Hall Show.

Arsenio Hall, after a devilish-grin pause: say it. i mean you're Pee-wee Herman, how bad can it be?

Pee-wee Herman: the worst word i know? fuck. weren't the '90s the best? the '90s were so warm and fuzzy and inviting and innocent. 

Arsenio: purple walls everywhere.

audience: *pleasantly cajoling*

Luther Vandross: wait!!! don't go to commercial!!! i want to learn the worst word, too. like cutting a banana with a butter knife.

Jerry Garcia: i should have been the police commissioner on the '60s Adam West Batman, that would have been so symbolic.

Match Game '74: remember, it's always quicksand.

Dee Davenport: why are you jealous of me, Brett?

Brett Somers: well because, dear, you're a beautiful woman. i am not. i have to resort to wearing this Club Med wig. you have natural Betty Boop hair. you're a FULL woman. you have real crooked '70s teeth, men appreciate that sort of thing. 

Dee: fantastic.

Brett: i could never get away with wearing a sailor suit like you're wearing now, i was kicked out of the Navy for snooping. the other end.........of the party phone. pretend i never admitted i was a Republican. i HATED Last Tango in Paris when i saw it at that theater behind the Van Nuys Bowling Alley. it's Marlon Brando's finest performance but only after 50 years have passed...

Chad: that was some good Catullus i recited just then. inspirational Ancient Roman poetry to help get us through our day.

me: it's time to brother.

i put my arms around Chad's shoulders and we start singing in unison UB40's "Red Red Wine" loudly and off-key into the pod mic.

Melissa: stop it!!! omg i HATE that song now!!! everytime i hear that song i have to put on my heavy winter coat with the fur hood. i used to love it, i used to think it was cool to get into bars to drink, UB40 was code for Pub 40-and-older. i wanted to be a 40-year-old woman when i was 15. as you know, if you don't drink, you won't have a future. and THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why i'm obsessed with wine today. why i used the water from my backyard pool to grow my backyard vineyard. wine is my meds. if you sing that proto white-Jamaican reggae song nowadays, you are NOT getting that prom date...  

PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: STICK TO FETTUCCINE

 

Chad: foodie booty.

me: alright, the eternal conundrum of fettuccine.

Chad: right? how do you prevent the fettuccine from sticking to the bottom of the fucking pot? that is a MOTHRFUCKER to scrape off, i scrape off all that fettuccine sanded in there like a fossil and my fingernails bleed for days.

Melissa: easy, don't put the dry fettuccine in the pot until the water is BOILING. i mean a ROILING boil!!! 

Chad: the REAL question is who is my next woman?

me: oh that sends the imagination FLYING.

Melissa: easy, guys, it's obviously going to be Jessie Camp's sister. remember, the two things you need for a strong marriage are: laundry and memes.

Serbia: we love our cartoons.

Vampire Hunter D (1985): it was all over beef jerky!!! i went to Yale to become an anime voice actress?...

better title for the Red Dwarf episode "Timewave": "Tolerance."

Scarface (1932).

Cesca: how DARE you wave the Tommy DeVito hand gesture in my face, Tony!!! Da Bears, remember? 

Tony: hey yous got any of that drugstore bubblegum? lucky for me the phone will ring and the RIGHT person will answer it, that's how ballrooms were in the '30s.

Mabel: i ain't no stool pigeon, but my house parrots are.

flapper moll: you'll be sorry when i'm in love with Mr. Miyagi. where are the dancing girls? dancing girl is a noble profession. 

Lovo: what are you whistling ominously, Tony?

Tony: Country Bear Jamboree, Disneyland.

Lovo: it wasn't me, Tony!!! honest!! it was Poppy!!! it was Poppy, Tony!!!

Tony: man, you are REAL sore about being dumped.

Cesca: i have adult ideas. like this paper doll chain i made in Arts 'n Crafts using real glue that came from the horse that won the Derby.

Little Boy: i'll only date Tony's sister if she listens to PM Dawn.

Cesca: damn, my own mother ratted me out!!! i just wanted to sing and play piano on a Lucy episode while smoking a tree of cigarettes as i kiss a very young Bob Hope...

Hugh Hefner: take the gun, not the coin.

male secretary: why are doors so thin? at least the phone works now...

Poppy: Tony, say something!!!

me: Jen, say something!!!

Cesca: sorry, Tony, i told the cops about your secret stairs, i was still mad at you for ruining my life by shooting my soulmate like he was nothing. next time, Tony, monologue AFTER you put up the bulletproof windows. i'm going to be with Guino. i called him Guido for the longest before he corrected me. don't be a baby, Tony, that's just baby powder.

Tony: hey copper, got any steel shutters?

police detective: sure. Chicago is known for its hurricanes.

Tony: i'm all alone now. i still got my ma but she don't count. 

The Three Stooges: why did we talk like gangsters?...

three at Trader Joe's.

Pam Hiltunen: where are your tiki mugs?...

Kombucha Rap Guy: where is your natural food? don't lie to me, man!!! i saw Richard Dawson taking some out of the store with him!!!

Richard Dawson: just taking some British pizza back with me to the house on Coldwater Canyon.

Charles Nelson Reilly: what has four legs and a tail? me finally making peace with Richard Dawson.

me: have you heard of the rickey cocktail?

Melissa: sure, Oakland A's, i'm using rickeys for my Gatsby Party tonight.

Chad: Cherry Lime Rickey? in those fat tall-ass graffiti'd Arizona Tea cans?

Melissa: Chad, this why i filed.

Lamar Jackson: yes, my mom's name is Felicia...

Pardon The Interruption: we're naked now...

Jaleel White: "send a nude pic" was the #1 answer?!!! not "to say I love you first"? okay bye i'm done with this world...

cats at Costco: Maintenance Cat? no IAMS? come on.

Taylor Fritz: yeah but my tiebreak record is 7-11 so it's lucky.

Taylor Fritz: if you're wearing a Chipotle shirt, you're living life.

Karen Gillan: i would very much like to do a rom-com next, the Marvel incel stuff is REALLY getting old. rom-com, just putting that out there in the universe.........wink wink...

Emma Raducanu: do i fuck Carlos Alcaraz, the next Nadal, or Jack Draper, the next Federer?

judge: i rule.

lawyer: *eyeroll*

Florida Panthers: we made a deal with the New Jersey Devil.

Edmonton Oilers: you guys were more slippery than us NOT on the ice!!!

Professor Tomoe: i'm a stud. i'm Sailor Moon S beefcake!!! i'm the sexy-man villain.

Richard Gere: i simply must play you in the live-action!!! 

Tyrese Haliburton: somehow the Pacers will win Game 6 without me, then i'll hit the Finals-winning shot on the road falling back on my gimp leg Willis Reed-style...

Tim Burton: do we know each other?

Jack Tripper: the first episode of Season 2 of Three's A Crowd would have been about temaki...

Match Game '74: fun school.

Melissa: taste takes time.

me: some topics for tomorrow's podcast: what exactly is someone's "legacy"? why do the new Cheetos potato chips taste so RUSTIC? what does 100% health look like? why does Eva Longoria require shade to be beautiful?

Melissa: Maple Coke was my idea.

Chad: yeah but just as Quebec was about to clinch the World Series, the strike...

PODCAST OUTTA NOWHERE: FRIENDS WITH BOTH DIVORCERS

 

Chad Reynolds and i finally start a podcast.

Chad Reynolds: this will be a nice distraction for me, the divorce was unexpected.

me: the fact that somehow i'm STILL friends with you AND Melissa is a MIRACLE.

Chad: it'll make for a smooth transition when you become my kid's stepfather...

me: it was Father's Day and Melissa didn't like your Father's Day post on Instagram, that was devastating.

Chad: instead she posted an Instagram Story about how fathers are crucial to molding young minds, guardrails and shit, and if you ARE such a father, good for you.

Melissa Maker: come on, guys, do you really expect me to keep liking Chad's stuff on Instagram after the divorce? isn't that the point? i'm making it Instagram-official...

me: our first guest is Melissa Maker. after a messy and painful divorce, she's striking out on her own in search of voice-acting fame.

Melissa: striking out is right. the anime game is a gang war up here in Canada.

Chad: not cool, bro, i really need to see the guest list in the morning before we start...

me: so Melissa, have you met Laura Bailey?

Melissa: no, you said you'd set that up. you're the writer, remember? the Hollywood guy? i'm new to this, i was in the clean game. which was boring as fuck.

me: i may have said i knew a couple of Hollywood names to impress you. i do know two Hollywood street names. i said i LIKED anime, as in i've watched an ungodly amount of anime movies on lonely Friday nights instead of dancing at a steak restaurant. i mean YOU'RE the one with the connections...

Jennette McCurdy: when do i join the cast of SNL?...

Scarface (1932).

Al Pacino: imagine if MY 1983 Scarface was Pre-Code...

Tupac: you don't want gang rule? rule #1: no stag parties.

J. Jonah Jameson: The Booze War was greater than The Great War!!!

Tony Montana: i'm Hannah Montana's father? why is my barber Shemp? the streets will flow with blood like booze...

gangsters: America's first glamorous bad guys.

George Raft: flipping a coin repeatedly, the gangster cliche, but i wanted to be a football referee...

Scarface: the DISRESPECT!!! using  a police-star badge as a match edge, wow.

Cesca: girls just wanna have fun, Tony. i want to be Clara Bow!!! i want to kiss Curly Stooge on the sidewalk below us with the grind monkey.

flying fuck: oh sorry.

Tony: got a pencil? i need a Pixy Stix.

Boss Lovo: why'd you shoot up The Shamrock?

Tony: no Lucky Charms cereal, i was hungry.

Always Open: Denny's is in the pocket of the mob.

Howard Hawks: cool visual there to symbolize the out-of-control violence, shooting each page of a daily calendar for a year...

male secretary: i wanted to be in Marx Brothers instead. i'm in the moving pictures because i have no education. why do we have a second phone that's an intercom?

Tony: don't need a lawyer. habeas corpus. yeah. foot in the ass, donate my kidney, and i'm home free. to go antiquing with Poppy at the Iceberg Lounge.

Boris Karloff: i look like Hugh Laurie. the enduring lesson of Frankenstein is that he lived because of strict gun-control laws. a little torch fire waved around in his face is just gonna be ignored.

secretary: shooting up the place, holes in the coffee thermos, no hear name, good thing coffee wasn't scalding hot...

Tony: sure means no. i lost my accent when i got my lead-spitter. 

Lovo: jesus, i was leisurely enjoying the one three-panel Dick Tracy comic strip in the paper at an outside table of an Italian restaurant in the heart of downtown when i get tommy-gunned outta nowhere!!!

Lawnmower Man: mowed down...

Jen R: see it's confusing because the cops and the gangsters wear the same fedora, same hat, everyone looks the same. and that police detective looks like Boss Lovo...

John Waters: they both look like ME!!!

Bill Clinton: the answer is NOT tighter immigration laws. do NOT armyfy the police. it's the '90s, we can still turn this around...

Jen R: i want to play Electric Baseball at the 1930s bowling alley!!!

Lindy Lenz: hello this is Building, please leave a message, thank you...

me: what happened to you, bro?

Chad: life is what happens AWAY from Instagram.

me: you had a period of like eight months there of radio silence. remember when i DM'd you about the World Series? Freddie Freeman!!! with the Kirk Gibson home run for the ages!!! Freddie is Canadian!!! i thought that would really grab you. but nothing.

Chad: that was actually exactly when the shit started.

Melissa: yeah the World Series, i remember, on that day, the first game, that was when i asked you for a divorce.

me: how do you tell something like that to someone you love implicitly forever? 

Chad: remember the caption i typed under our Instagram anniversary pic? the adventure is just BEGINNING...

me: our listeners are listening. for love lessons.

Melissa: i dunno, i just kinda said it and blacked out. i knew i needed to say it, but i also knew i still had to go to Trader Joe's because we always run out of quinoa on Thursday...

Big Bang Beryl: Scott Weiland's Red Dwarf alterna-mistress.

Desiguales: if you don't do the dishes, you WILL get a divorce...

Tato Skins: '80s old-skool BIG Pringles.

Kermit smoking a doobie: Jim Henson had me do Dragon Ball Z to promote The Muppets, man. i had to inflate like the motherfucking Goodyear Blimp. Jim and i had a falling-out after that. for 3 years. he DID come to my tadpole's bar mitzvah at Marineland.

George Washington: I GREW HEMP. that was a thought bubble, not a speech bubble...

Matt from Safeway: Coast soap, because we're all coasting through life...

Chloe Annett: in search of the REAL Kochanski. establishing communication with me is like establishing communication with Jen R...

Friday the 13th: The Series: see Jason was one of the antiques...

OmegaBall: THREE teams on the field, that's pretty cool...

Rev. Snoop: if God didn't grow it, don't blow it.

Tupac "How Do U Want It": 

how do you want it?

how does it feel?

comin up as a nigga in the cash game 

living in the fast lane

nonpareil

Jon Rahm: i was Blond Rahmbo in high school...

Enlightenment: quiet.

Sailor Moon S song: Tuxedo milagro...

Rupert Grint: i was the grunt of Harry Potter.

Brian Wilson: i was a certified genius. it's amazing how i was able to get OUT of my depression after just three short years. John Stamos drumming bongos in our "Kokomo" music video was NOT an episode of Full House. is that a glass eye? oh you're just mad...

Chad: this Friday is the 50th anniversary of Jaws.

me: ...

Chad: well?

me: what.

Chad: aren't you the Hollywood guy?

me: it's a nice movie. the first summer blockbuster, it's historic, i get it. but i dunno. is there gonna be deleted scenes?

Chad: you don't need to impress Melissa anymore.

me: Jaws 3 but ONLY if it's the original cast...

Steven Spielberg: Jaws 3.........-D...

DID YOU MEET THE RIGHT PEOPLE?: EVERYONE'S TOO BUSY FOR LOVE

 

we emerge out of the other reality back soaked and fetal-positioned in the Safeway bathroom trough.

me: just in time for hot breakfast chicken.

Jen R: look, i'm telling you right now, there's only so much Safeway chicken a woman can take.

so we all convene at a Burger King.

everyone's in line.

Alexandra Silber: dating is dead. matchmaking is having a moment, because of me. did ANYBODY see me in Fiddler on the Roof? it was only 260 shows. off-Broadway but still. medium fries. small fries, large fries, no i want the medium fries...

Jen R: this is so cool!!! have you seen the Burger King Happy Meals? the toys are Red Dwarf. look you can get a Lister's Jacket toy, the  motorcycle jacket. and a Wilma Flintstone toy. you snap the two toys together to form Wilma Flintstone on the back of Lister's jacket.

Lister: i'd marry Wilma but fuck Betty. the problem is getting with Betty doesn't exactly repopulate the human race...

Tyrese Haliburton, Shai Gilgeous-Alexander, and Stephen A. Smith sit around a Burger King booth by a glaring window with two ferns.

Tyrese Haliburton wearing a yacht hat: call me Hali. is this Filet-O-Fish halibut? the Finals don't start until someone eats a popcorn during a slam dunk. Hoosier americana. pick up. we need to pick up the PACE!!! it's okay, i'm handsome, you can say that i'm a handsome man, that doesn't make you less of a man.

Shai Gilgeous-Alexander: Shai GORGEOUS-Alexander. you guys are pests. the Indiana Pacers are like fern fleas, man, how do i get rid of you? Cell bug spray? i'm so tired after a game i'm holding my shorts. 

Jen R: omg i got a dollar back with George Washington on it with a speech bubble saying I GREW HEMP.

Stephen A. Smith with Bill Clinton thumb: see? I TOLD YOU. i told you, America...

George Washington: yes. i did. i grew hemp. everyone grew hemp back then. it was no big thing. why is everyone in 2025 so tense?...

me: pick up. did you change your number?

Jen R: i forgot.

me: it's just, i call it every hour and it goes to voicemail and the mailbox is full...

Jen: yeah i never check anything.

me: how cruel is that, i have your phone number but it's useless...

Stu: Seth Meyers has always been around with topical jokes, not sketch comedy.........i mean for the HARDCORE Seth Meyers fans...

Nicole: NOT a last name...

"We Are the World": it's a choice we're making, we're gambling our own lives...

Dr. Nancy Alvarez: bring back the schoolmarm bell.

at their own Burger King booth.

Stephen A. Smith wide-eyed: yeah yeah but then buttholes get tight. buttholes get tight under the hot lights of the Big City. 

Jacques Pepin: it's so nice to have my show back on PBS again. at 7 PM. it's so calm and quiet.

Stephen A. Smith: the bright lights of the NBA Finals. i am an American actor. hold up, 7 PM? i'm asleep by then!!!

Jimmy Carter: Georgia is slow but you need to slow GA or your eyes will turn to dust.

Georgia Flood: i'm from Australia...

Cocteau from Demolition Man: next time i'll make sure to program it so EVERYONE IN THE WORLD can't kill me...

Tyrrhenian Sea: Dune.

Jen R: everyone has Thursday off...

Jules Smith: ...

dad: hey don't get me a Switch 2 for Father's Day, okay?

me: but dad...

dad: Nintendo was YOUR thing. just get me that Boomer Esiason tie. okay the Kerouac tie. okay the Anne Bronte tie!!! everyone forgets about Anne!!! i mean unless i can play Pole Position on it...

Akira Toriyama: DAIMA isn't a dime a dozen.........btw, i liked GT...

Jaleel White on the Flip Side set: six episodes a day for four weeks?!!! fuck that noise, bro. that's madness month, man. that's 168 episodes with no bathroom break. but you know what? i get an 11-month vacation...

Dr. Dre: where do you go, Hawaii?

Jaleel White: Dr. Dre is still alive?...

John C. McGinley with mustache: i should be in the Cheers reboot, you know, the mailman...

Dark Passenger: i mean who's watching Dexter at 8 AM?...

Violett Beane: look at me, i'm Kurt Cobain's daughter. my name is plaid Seattle '90s grunge...

Gallagher: i was the only one who beat Goku fair-and-square mano-a-mano in a proper tournament setting...

Richard Dawson on the Match Game set: i taped this show in the morning and did Shakespeare in the afternoon.

Aaron Krickstein: match game set, get it?

Richard Dawson: yeah. on a stage in Van Nuys next to the Don's Plum...

Anthony Bourdain at Burger King: Rest Up? for what?...

me: that's the thing though, you know?

Jen R: yeah.

me: that is my element, that is what i love to write, those Hallmark movies with the impossibly good-looking women and men who vie for the corniest lines of rom-com dialogue, that is what matters to me.

Jen: yeah. it's a conundrum tho. i mean why would gorgeous people have problems marrying? or at least fucking the One? their MOM has to help them get a date?!!! hey, they may be bipolar germaphobes but look at them, they're gorgeous!!! if you filled these movies with ugly people, no one would watch. it'd be more realistic, but no one would watch.

Arthur the aardvark wiping Buster Baxter Bunny's mask: ...

Prunella from Arthur: i was supposed to be Prunella Scales. you know, Mister Rogers's mother.

me: i was put on this Earth to write this kind of corny dialogue. about the deeper meaning of toaster ovens and stuff.

Jen: yeah. i know. i understand. i grok you. i really am retaining what you're saying right now. one day i will prove it to you that i listened...