THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: THE TALKING IS THE TALKING

 

Jules Smith: *internal sigh* oh fine, so where do you want to go instead?

me: i mean, the UK is a big island, right? 

Jules: let's go to the little cinema by the babbling brook, there's always something good playing there.

me: you mean obscure.

Jules: in this case it's all the new Doctor Who episodes you've missed since the world went crazy and you lost all your time.

me: works for me.

THE TEARING OF SHIRTS: SECOND HOUSE

 

me: without my second house, i die.

Jules Smith: patience, our long-distance overseas video dating is working.

me: is it? is there romance tho? i mean have we actually been on a real date? America to Britain is a long way.

Jules: but Carmel to Canterbury isn't, it's a chocolate egg away, you egg. 

me: i'm glad i'm FINALLY able to join you along the Jurassic Coast. it's quite lovely here, i love eating the salty air.

Jules: and the sweet swirly yolks. you really don't like to wait, huh. quite, it's lovelier than you but i don't know you. shall we full-English-breakfast at some pub or something? wanna see my house?

me: no, i'd just like to bury my feet to my ankles in this green sand the rest of the afternoon, i don't get out much.

as we two stroll the shore, the entire album of Tommy by The Who plays in the background on the vibrations of the sneaker waves outside.

me: are there a lot of T-rexes roaming the Jurassic Coast?

Jules: sure, i pet the T-rexes on the head with my short arms.

i make a dinosaur roar with my mouth.

Kevin the lizard: you fucking putz.

Roger Daltrey: Tommy was the first rock opera. Pete Townshend invented that genre...

Trent Reznor: many people don't know this, but The Downward Spiral is the goth Tommy.

The Who Tommy "Christmas": the lyrics should have been

how can he be saved

from the eternal flame?

Cecily Strong at Lucky in London.

Cecily Strong: it's a grocery store, not a LUSH/Victoria's Secret hybrid. i'm here to get a Family Size of Triscuits, that's my BOX, boy!!! that's MY brand, MA brand, for i am a mother now, i have a family now, so all my food from now on will be Family Size food, Family food.

me: you know i've never gotten the Family Size of Triscuits, just the regular box, i wonder what it's like to hold.

Cecily: i did IVF even though i have a long-standing boyfriend/fiance and i'm only 40. i just wanted to make sure...

Neil deGrasse Tyson is giving a lecture at Cambridge as he smokes a cigarette indoors. the hall applauds.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: are you cheering the smoke? the fire? which reminds me, what did we do to our planet? it's too late. it's too late, folks, you fucked it. there has got to be another planet of people out there, somewhere out there, i'm sick of this planet, i'm sick of the shit on this planet, i'm sick of this planet's shit.

Demon City Shinjuku.

Maiara Walsh: you know that fantasy you have of making love to me in a Vaporwave-purple-lit room on a clam bed with a glowing pearl?...

Jules Smith: living in the UK will be good for you.

me: i don't know anybody here.

Jules: you know me. unlike the others i have never abandoned you, i won't abandon you in your time of need, i have always been online, i have always been on Instagram. i'll be there for you. you remember me, don't you, mah dahlin? i'm the woman in the stands counting all 7 Notts goals on my fingers for the BBC cameras during that Nottingham Forest match.

me: the purest pitch. i was struck by how lovely that woman was, a mother wrapped in warm blankets, her soul a hearth, a tin of warm pub soup.

Jules: i'm a steady hand. a steady arm *)

The Witches of Eastwick.

Cher: this isn't Hocus Pocus...

Jen R: Cher is my mother, Pee-wee Herman is my father.

Susan Sarandon: horns up.........get it? i'm a school-band teacher but i'll reveal myself to be a witch soon...

selectman: i selected Tom Brady...

David Letterman: once on the lips, forever on the hips, that's how i got my gap tooth, i ate too much Swiss cheese.

Milton Berle: ladies, my schlong is a foot long, but it doesn't work, it's too floppy.

Cher: men aren't the answer to everything, a time machine to show the Medieval villagers proof is.

Jack Nicholson: this is considered the best performance of my career, so pay attention. i'm handsome like if Gary Cooper stopped lying to himself. i snore like Skeletor.

Handel: my chamber music is for Jack Tripper in the audience.

snowy egret: a wet dream in the bed.

Jen R: it's true, divorced women are the juiciest fruit.

Jack wearing red high heels on his Borgia bed: this is not my bedroom, it's my study...

Cher: i have to go home to feed my kid dinner.

Jack: what's for dinner?

Cher: pizza.

Ingmar Bergman: blood. i should have added BLOOD to my cello!!!

Jack: it's genetic.

Susan Sarandon: wait, who is the Devil's father?...

Jack: i watch Call the Midwife to make up for the Salem Witch Trials.

Jack: your precision is not prissy, it's pussy, place the cello in between your pussy while i play the piano with my dick. 

Talia: cat dentist? that's a thing?

Lou Malnati's deep-dish pizza: Chicago in Medieval times: Billy Corgan with a bowl cut.

Jules Smith: sex with Billy Corgan would be lanky. just gimme the dinosaur pizza.

Johnny Depp: depp-dish pizza.

Billy Corgan: call me Billy Vegan from now on.

Sophie Thatcher from Nichols Canyon: is Billie Eilish old enough to have a Lifetime Movie made about her life?...

Butch Hendrick: it's like diving in braille.

Jake Tapper: i got my scuba certification diving deep in the quarries of that film Breaking Away...

Frieza: i was named after freesia, because i smell like flowers, my whole body is like a Travel Size of eau du parfum.

Jamie Lee Curtis: i do yogurt in the air fryer.

Dirg on Instagram: let's ho uh let's go.

August melon: the Vaporwave banana.

Michael Weiss: so no one's gonna be bold on Instagram anymore? everyone's just gonna revert back to cute cupcakes?...

Michael Weiss: nobody wants to admit this but.........Instagram is dead.

Imagination "Just an Illusion."

it's just an illusion,

mounds of confusion.

Maia from The 4400 in the Wells Fargo parking lot: you get $4400 a month...

go back to college: cuz you broke as hell.

Meredith Vieira in the Game Show Network parking lot: why can't 21 Words or Less be a WEEKDAY show, you know? i'm not on The View anymore, i gotta pay for Dan Casagrande's kids to go to college.

Greg Feith: i was that silver fox on Seinfeld...

The Big O: gotta love the telephone on a silver platter.

Grisha: Attack on Titan can never end, because we will never forget Etika...

Jules Smith: well, we're here.

i make the most frightful pale gasp out of my mouth.

me: WHAT?!!! what do you mean?!!! i never thought our LONG HIKE would lead HERE!!! i'm sweating bullets. i can't do it. i'm hyperventilating.

Jules: it's just my house. doesn't it look like a tumbledown Storybook International country cottage?

me: i can't do this. i can't make the transition.

Jules: family is hard. but it's something that needs to happen for you to move on with your life. you'll never get anywhere in life if all you ever had was one house. come on. come on inside and meet my family.

i run away over the meadow into the forest.

Jules: but there's more at the door...

 

 

 

SASKATOON SPA DAY: VEGAS VANISHING

 

Jen drives me to Wells Fargo.

Jen R: can you smoke in a bank parking lot?

i return emptyhanded to the car with my card.

Jen: what happened? that was my first drag.

me: my card was rejected at the VersaTeller. insufficient funds, i'm actually at -300 dollars. underwater. all the cash for the month is gone after the first week.

Jen: paying for your lights. so your lights don't get punched out. 

me: i can't get any money out until May. and i so wanted that red box of 30 Coca-Cola Classic cans.

Jen: well that was a stupid trip. do you think either of us will make it to Summer Vacation 2025?...

Melissa Maker: do you want to go to the One Piece Cafe in Las Vegas?

me: i was thinking The Makery in Little Tokyo. same kind of thing tho. you're BIG into art, right?

Melissa: Downtown Los Angeles, where i make my stand, where i stake my claim as voice actress. and grocery-shop at Erewhon every Tuesday at 10 AM.

me: every time i clean the lint trap in my dryer i think of you.

Melissa: yeah let's move beyond that.

me: that lint trap looks like a washboard.........not the cleaning tool, the musical instrument...

me: me, Melissa, me and Lissa...

Melissa: don't.

Melissa: i need to disappear. i need a vacation.

me: the vanishing pools!!! Vegas is littered with them!!! don't go into the Vegas desert to disappear...

Melissa: well, day spas will no longer have masseuses, all of that has been kicked to one side...

the two of us swim underwater through the Carmilla corridor to our final spa room.........in Canada.

The Big O Days of our Lives end-credits theme song.

could it be true? could it be real?

my heart says that you're the one.

i've THIS TIME found the one.

you're better than the real thing...

Lorne Michaels: SNL takes an EXTENDED BREAK in the middle of every season each year to allow ample opportunity for Colin Jost and Scarlett Johansson to make a baby...

Michael Weiss: Instagram is hustling.

Sammy Sosa: wait so Americans are JUST NOW discovering the crazy culture of Caribbean baseball?...

Matt: shrimp fraud has an easy fix, put the shrimp in the air fryer...

Luke Russert: do you juice?

Tai: yes.

Luke: do people who do yoga take steroids?

Tai: i mean, what would be the point? people who yoga do yogurt. i thought you were talking about lemon water...

Rick Pitino: Risk Pitino...

Applebee's: i mean our competition isn't really McDonald's, it's more like rg burgers.

AOC: we need to be a party of brawlers!!! fuck it, i'm DNC Chair!!!

Mr. Boddy: you can play ANY game alone if you try hard enough, especially Monopoly and Clue...

Steejo: are you sure you're Scottish, luv?

Suzy Lu: yeah, why?

Steejo: you don't like beer.

Suzy Lu: beer is nasty. 

Kakashi: the Scots caused all the problems in X-Men '97, i'm just saying. i'm Japanese. staying at a holiday cottage all by myself is not fun for me anymore like it was when i was a kid...

Suzy Lu: sorry, Susie Dent, but you didn't "invent" the Scottish word hurkle-durkle...

Tom Waits: Beethoven was my father, but it wasn't a Mr. Holland's Opus situation, i'm not deaf...

Saquon Barkley: here's how the Eagles win the Super Bowl: use another running back!!! don't use me!!! Spags won't see it coming!!! Spags won't know what hit him!!!

Spags: a running back will hit me, a running back will mow me down. but not the one i planned for.

Stevie Wonder: Songs in the key of Spags.

Taylor Swift: Saquon's bark is worse than his bite. the Chiefs will win the Super Bowl.........by 3 points, we're annoying like that...

braan: a LOT of bran so your brain is able to conceive of the concept of the brane...  

finally Melissa Maker and i fuck.

Melissa: harder harder harder harder harder harder HARDER.

me: can i cum in your mouth please?

Melissa: just over the tits.

me: thank you. this reminds me of that clean-your-yoga-mat video of yours...

Melissa: didn't you tell me you'd fuck me so hard i wouldn't be able to walk for a week?

me: well you're not walking. you're swimming. we made love underwater. 

Melissa and i join together post-coitus at Melissa's bellybutton, swirl around into each other, and turn into a siphonophore. this siphonophore stays underwater in the chamber of spa rooms until the spa off-season...

Brian from Family Guy: it insists upon itself.........can i turn into a siphonophore with Heather Locklear?...

Marianne Faithfull wearing dental headgear around her jaw: i am living proof a hardened heroin junkie can live to the ripe old age of 80...

Sid Vicious: fuck you, Marianne, you had faith. don't tell Johnny Rotten this but you were my religion, Marianne, you were my heroin heroine.

dad: i had to wear dental headgear in l968. the Summer of Love was the Summer of Ortho for me.

Suzy Lu: i wear dental headgear and it's 2025. my teeth are AWFUL.

Dick Button: Maria Callas, Judy Garland, and Tonya Harding had a Lou Andreas-Salome/Paul Ree/Nietzsche threesome thing going on...

Faye Dunaway: so THAT's my identity!!!

Tonya Harding: Nancy Kerrigan taught me how to box...

Spyglass Hill: where the Treasure Island sequel novel is being written by George R.R. Martin... 

George R.R. Martin: i live on the 17th green in the hole. 

Richard Williamson: i'm in Hell...

SASKATOON SPA DAY: UNDERWATER GARDEN CLUB

 

Jen R drives me to the America's Test Kitchen live roadshow stage show with Bridget and Julia. at the Sunset Theatre in Merced, California.

Jen R in the high rafters smoking a cigarette: this stage is too big for these two large ladies.

Jen R shouting from the rafters: hey Bridget Lancaster!!! you should've kept your Marilyn Monroe blonde hair from 2018, you were sexy as fuck back then with that hair. and Julia Collin Davison, why'd you have to badmouth my Dutch oven!!! my Dutch oven can make tender fall-off-the-bone pressure-cooker-quality beef, too!!!...

me: well, that was fun. we'll never be invited to another PBS event again the rest of our lives but that was fun.

me: i've been thinking about you.

Melissa Maker: how so?

me: every time i do the laundry and watch those four green lights on the clothes washer turn to no lights...

Melissa: that's offputting. i see you. with the double-eye emoji. i see you in your strange Instagram Stories titles...

we swim to the next spa room through the underwater corridor as the Hello Meteor song "Moonwater" plays waterily in the under.

Melissa: because Lunar New Year.

Julie Patzwald: new goth-band name: Perfect Sense.

lightsaber: ...

ankh ankle tattoo: ...

Stevie Wonder: it's the key of life...

Holt Hanley: it's not water vapor on the weather map, it's Coca-Cola Classic...

now: it just became nostalgia.

Puzzle of a Downfall Child.

Faye Dunaway: this movie sounds like an Armenian rock band...

Faye: no i actually do have a headache.

Bob Ross: oh. i'll pick up some Vanquish at this new place that's opened up called Thrifty Drugstore Ice Cream...

Faye: if we roleplay as strangers the sex will be hotter because it'll be no-strings-attached.

Matt: a two-ton truck is one of those '80s anime trucks. never race on the freeway...

Faye: time for ME to shrink YOUR head, my dear psychiatrist. why do you wear tennis shorts when you're in the office?

psychiatrist: i'm a fan of Evonne Goolagong.

Faye: can i just sleep here for the hour?

Faye: why am i an actress? there's no point. no one will EVER top Marlene Dietrich in Shanghai Express. Ricardo Montalban saved me from suicide...

Joan: all dance came from fear.

Faye: are you fucking this nun, Bob Ross?

Bob slamming down his silverware: that is HIGHLY inappropriate, Faye. now i gotta squeeze you and me into my busy schedule so we can carve out a time for us to go to Confession together in the same booth at the same time.

Father Navin: Wednesday at 1 PM... 

Faye: seriously, Bob, HER?!!! she looks like a reject from the set of One Day at a Time.

Faye: come on, lamp, tip over.........and fall...

Faye on the phone: if you love me you'll come right over and chase away the Communist-stalker.

Bob: but i'm in the USSR.

Faye: do you like my wedding veil?

Sia: so THIS is where i got my look from...

Maude from Harold and Maude: civil ceremony, funeral, same thing...

Mark: don't make me angry, Faye, i know a shark.

Faye: i won't answer the door, i know there's a Land Shark about.

Jen R: remember circular light dimmers? 

Faye: life is a dream. but for me it was a nightmare. i feel.........burdened. have i arrived? i've waited SO LONG to arrive...

Jen R: nice touch in that beach scene with the flash of the old standing 1920s camera becoming the flash of the fired gun.

doctor: that's the tragedy of it all, doctors can't dance...

hallucination photographer at the nuthouse: Faye Dunaway is as sexy as a common tenor.

Faye: don't go, Aaron, don't leave me alone in this Whistler cabin!!! beach sand makes my skin chafe. Martin Yan doesn't know how to fish!!!

Martin Yan: yeah i do, you crazy white lady.

Faye: you're supposed to use a spear while holding your breath underwater!!! who pays the rent on this thing?

Bob: this is Marty Scorsese's summer house. 

Faye: what's the point of a beach house? a beach cottage. there won't be beaches in 100 years, only Medieval stories never told...

Bob: well, MTV starts up soon, that's why. 

Faye: did we have an affair, Aaron? otherwise what was the point? my entire life was in vain.

Bob: we've been married for 30 years, Lou. it's been real and it's been happy. you made the right decision, Lou. it wasn't a wasted life. we found our fate. i wanted kids but we decided not to have children because you're crazy.

Dr. Robbins: this ending made me CRY. that's all mental patients want, to know that they tried to love.

Melissa: nothing better than an early lunch in an enclosed Tomb Raider spa room!!!

me: hey, do you know what pizza pie is?

Melissa: no.

me: a whole apple pie with the crust and everything but instead of apple as the filling it's pizza inside. what i don't get are those Melissa's Crepes.

Melissa: what do you mean?

me: they are so FUCKING THIN!!! they are IMPOSSIBLE to remove from that thin tissue-paper film!!! why'd you make the crepes so hard like that?!!!

Melissa: you just need an iron.

me: i use my clothes iron.

Melissa: no, a flatiron. a flat iron, a hair iron, a crimper. like i use on my hair. don't microwave the crepes at the BOTTOM, they'll stick to the plate. cook the frozen strawberries as the base of the plate, place the paper-thin crepes OVER the hot strawberries so it looks like a strawberry pie. crimp the edges to form the crust. crimp the crepe.

Akira Kurosawa: i've reset my life 7777 times.

Hayao Miyazaki: i THINK that's unlucky...

smoke a fatty: barbecue, not a pot roach...

Wout Faes: if Gustavo Kuerten played soccer...

me: it really is a DELICIOUS thought: you available. being able to be in your world, be in your circles.

Melissa: i don't have time for romance, i'm a single mysterious mama next door.

me: yeah right. we've been doing a betting pool over at the office, the odds on who your next beau will be.

Melissa: pool, nice touch. there is no way you work. all offices would reject you.

me: i mean it's either gonna be Keanu Reeves or Justin Trudeau, right?

Melissa: i'm afraid reality will be quite bland and boring. i'll settle down with one of my nameless coworkers, that's it.

Luke Skywalker: why didn't you have an action-figure toy of my lightsaber'd-off cut-off hand?

Kenner: choking hazard.

scratching post: because cats have a lot of stress in their lives...

Suzy Lu: take a slap.

Steejo: i can't take a lap, luv, my kickboxing training turned my knees into prunes.

Kakashi: Suzy, it's weird that you say ass instead of arse...

SASKATOON SPA DAY: NECKROLL

 

Jen drives me to a taping of Flip Side at the Game Show Network studios.

Jen R: what a beautiful campus we're on!!!

me: please, don't use the word campus.

Jen R smoking a cigarette indoors: when i get bored i wander into the studio audiences of all these game shows taping here at the same time, they pay you $50 just to sit your butt down and shut up, that's more than i make over at my nail-salon gig. i'm smarter than ALL these contestants.

Jaleel White: everyone wants to fuck Urkel. look, we don't exactly have a budget here, this is Flip Side, if you don't win the $10,000 in the lightning round, you get one of my dressing-room TWIXs as a thanks for coming to Burbank.

Twix: twin sticks...

Julie Patzwald in the Flip Side studio audience: new name for a goth band: Twixt Twix.

me: so where in Canada is this spa located?

Melissa Maker: 6th and Euclid. everything in Canada is located on 6th and Euclid.

the first thing i notice are all the wood houses everywhere dotting the green landscape. everywhere on every hill a house made of the most gorgeous polished wood. mist hovers the sky.

me: if i play my cards right, my first first-date in a LONG-ass fucking time.

Melissa: you'll see all the hot jacuzzis carved into the natural rock of this big-ass wilderness mountain. you can only get from room to room by swimming underwater through long stone corridors, the doors are only underwater.

me: this is so Zelda!!!

Melissa: to get you used to the conditions, try on these mop shoes.

me: i'm sliding out-of-control on these mop shoes on the planks like i'm a girl in a Hayao Miyazaki movie on skis. 

Melissa: like riding a bike. you'll get used to this way of walking, it'll help you swim underwater. can you hold your breath for three hours? this is how i became a cleaning expert.

Lume Lady: why do i have to ride a bike in the commercial?...

me: can i borrow $100?

Melissa: here.

me: you see how easy that was?!!! why can't life be this easy? 

Crawdaddy: it takes hard work.

Melissa: oh hi, Crawdaddy. i'm single.

Crawdaddy emerges from his underwater bungalow swimming up to the surface in the nude.

Crawdaddy: i can hold my breath for three days. you have to to live in Malibu. Malibu isn't the rich, we're a community who left normal life behind for a beach life of spiritual enlightenment. waving at the waves. we are neighbors who help each other out. every single person in Malibu has bathed in my toilet. 

Courtney Love: except me.

me: i see. i'm a moron. i've done nothing. i just take.

Crawdaddy: we sacrifice for the surf. we sacrifice it ALL for the surf. my mini-refrigerator is your mini-refrigerator. i am the world's amigo. i lend a hand, not a pincer. i eat smoke. fire smoke, not pot smoke. i won my first X Games by doing a 2340 flip on my board at Jaws surf break at age 75. my win was so earthshaking it formed a giant tsunami. a tsunami of ocean protection known as the Surfrider Foundation.

Yamcha: how big are the Dragon Balls? the size of baseballs like the ones i still pitch...

Akira Toriyama: in the manga. in the anime they're the size of basketballs...

Dorothy from The Big O: it's not Dorothy, it's R. Dorothy. this show's theme song is a cross between They Might Be Giants and Phish, with The Greatest American Hero the music in the middle of each episode. that red ain't blood, it's gasoline!!! the enemy of the Megadeus looks like an '80s Norelco triple-shaver. 

Puzzle of a Downfall Child.

Faye Dunaway: i'm not a schizo, i just need to fuck Bud Cort.

Faye: why is this psychiatrist's office in an oil painting?

falsies: just be natural, you know?

don't be ugly: beauty sells.

photographer: your head is like a bowling ball.

Faye: i got into this business to play Fred Flintstone.

Dr. Robbins: this doesn't work as a comedy also, it should have just been a very serious drama about going crazy.

Faye: all men should look like Bob Ross. all women should look like Sarah Sherman.

Bob Ross: yeah sorry about the 4:30 AM calltime, Central Park is only empty at 4:30 AM...

Lou: i'm at fault...

Bob: are you attracted to me?

Faye: if i say yes will you leave me alone forever?

The President the cat: i was the first emotional-support cat...

Faye: it's bad luck when the pilot trips before flying.

Bob: don't worry, the pilot looks like Amelia Earhart, and her husband looks like Jean-Luc Picard, those are two pilots.

Jean-Luc Picard: i'm a flier. i fly high in the sky.

Faye: why would God punish you for being who you are? atheism makes perfect sense. atheism is the only way.

Ingmar Bergman: that's very me.

Link: Bach got me through Zelda dumping me.

me: will you live with me in a state of grace?

Jen R: THAT is the most beautiful marriage vow.

Mickey Mouse: i don't sleep...

Faye: i gotta get outta here.

Bob: where?

Faye: myself. here. being.

I'm Going to Break Your Heart.

black best friend: i'm not their black butler...

couples therapist: time for eyegazing. gaze at your partner's eyes for the hour so i get paid.

Chantal Kreviazuk: i giggle.

Raine Maida: this makes me uncomfortable.

couples therapist: if you were to eyegaze WHILE feeling your partner's heartbeat with the palm of your hand, that's medical CPR...

Chantal: joint art is not art about marijuana...

Raine: we're not singers, we're chansons.

Jen R: i look like Chantal Kreviazuk.

Steve Jobs: make music by the sunlight of a white mansion, not on an Apple computer.

Melissa: a Canadian couple who made it...

Chantal: yeah, Raine and i weathered the ice storms, both meanings...

Kurt Cobain: music is death.

Chantal on Moment Mountain: you are so dad uh dead.

Raine: that was Freudian. i am the Yoko in this relationship.

Kurt Cobain: okay BY FAR the best song on the Moon vs. Sun album is "Lowlight."

me: i've been meaning to ask you. you got a tattoo because of me.

Melissa: yeah.

me: the more i thought about it.........it's.........weird. you have this PERMANENT thing on your body because of me. i saw it but i STILL have no idea what it is. a cauliflower?

Melissa: it's a firework. you know, Fourth of July? because you're American.

me: it's on your bellybutton tho.

Melissa: you'll see.

me: so you're not with Chad anymore?

Melissa: just because Chad isn't it my latest post of Instagram photos of my beach vacation doesn't mean anything...

Amy Schumer: i hooked up with a fan. the fan was my husband.

Howard Stern: come on, the stories have got to be juicier than that. radio is dead again.

Madison Keys crying tears of joy: i've wanted this MY WHOLE LIFE.

Karolina Pliskova: okay but you're not even 30 yet, babe. i'm old. at least get a tattoo of me on your thigh or something so my almost doesn't get forgotten...

Dial soap: when you want to smell like a surgeon...

Mr. McFeely: new rule: mailboxes are for letters, not bills...

McGruff the Crime Dog: i had to steal your bike to prove a point...

Mister Rogers: the key to feeling better is to get OFF the medicine...

the French in Action prequel.

professor with the Albert Einstein BROWN hair: the only French phrase i need to learn is sous les paves, la plage...

Julie Patzwald: new goth-band name: Just Lust. because it turned out to be just lust...

Buzzcocks: ...

Wayne Rooney: why is every Premier League manager bald?...