Takahashi: do you get bad wrists from playing video games all day, typing a script all day, or masturbating all day?
Roger Federer: i wear a Patek on my wrist if that's any indication...
Madame Pons: i'm the photographer of the group. i'm gonna take up doing the Photo Ark, completing it, the first woman to do so, the first human to do so. after all i'm a friend to all animals, i'm THE friend!
Dirg: Ark stands for Archive...
Boc: i hate when i'm watering the lawns and there's a huge kink in the long hose. suddenly that power you had in your hand, the force of the poundage of water, is, gulp, GONE. you revert to weakling again. you have to unkink the darn thing. and then the hose gets caught on a stepping stone or the arch of the stone trellis or the chalk line or something and you have to HEAVE that sucker like it's a sodden snake...
the crones are at the Spaghettihouse in London:
Gladyce: it's not the Slaughterhouse, dear.
a cute waiter wearing a tuxedo top but no bottoms holding a silver tray with a banana on it approaches Doryce...
Doryce: *fanning herself with the shell napkin* oh lawdy lord have mercy! lordess i mean!
Gladyce: that's fine, dear, just leave the banana phone here at our table, i got calls to make! QVC...
Doryce: where were you at the sorority? i'm ready to make my order. BUT I'M NOT!!! i'm scared! oh Gladdy, i had the most frightful experience! the box of mini-saltines, i threw them out! i couldn't take the pressure of them anymore! there was still half a box after i had eaten a lot instead of soup. i just couldn't bring myself to finish them off and the next grocery day was approaching and i know how you like to have the cupboards cleared so...
Gladyce hugs Doryce.
Gladyce: it's okay, dear, i'm here. always. those were my favorite crackers, i used to suck on them to moisten them enough to place them inbetween my toes at night instead of those little purple spongey inserts, but i'll live. i'll live for a VERY long time. what spooked you tho?
Doryce: on the box was the label:
UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT
i panicked.
AND TONIGHT IS CHILI NIGHT!!!
Gladyce: it's okay, when we get home, i'll make you congee, it's soup for breakfast!!!
when the crone couple gets home, they do a few rituals. a few pre-fuck rituals. their foreplay in the Treehouse consists of Gladyce lining up in an enfilade and Doryce shooting Welsh cakes at her tits...
ClassyKatie joins the Orchid Girls...
ClassyKatie: but as you can see, the porn stuff is my day job. i'd much rather be seen in a rucksack monk robe to do a Clue puzzle or play a Tigtone board game or something...
Dirg: sister, you've come to the right place! Illuminati love robes!!!
the MIT Mystery Hunt winner for 2021 maroons himself on the same island as Pat:
MIT: how did i get here?
Pat: i think you mean WHEN do you get here? you are impossible, sir. obviously went offcourse searching for that coin. aren't you supposed to be good at figuring yourself out of puzzles?
MIT: mazes are not puzzles. wait, are you Princeton? you have the distinct odor of a Princeton...
Pat: Class Of...well let's just say '21...
MIT screams his head off that it interrupts the neon phoenii, they rustle off the perch of their trees fly away and disappear in the dark grey clouds.
Pat: now look what you did...
MIT swims back where he came from. he jumps in a lake---the large lake---and his little hands and feet become littler as he motorboats not the fun kind and disappears in the offing...not the fun kind like with an infinity pool...
Tyzik: before we begin no i'm not a Tzadik. been getting mail up my nose all week...similar spelling of our names, but...thank you for the compliment...
Dirg: i mean that Cetaphil commercial! right? sounds like Paramore's "Decode"...
St. Andrews Abbey on the island burns to the ground. Cotard is beside himself not in spirit and is trying to keep it together but his lower lip quavers...
Cotard: i'm trying to keep it together...without sobbing without stumbling...i'd rather tumble...my faith will get me through...besides, i don't want to cause a panic, right Mr. President?
President Bump: i'm like Putin……...except Putin is actually cool...
Cotard: so...to distract...to keep my pain internal in prayer...I KNOW THIS WAS MY BROTHER'S DOING!!!...oh well whatever nevermind...so let's see: ah, Vionic are my favorite sandals...
Takahashi: just came back from the pharmacy in my new blue car, was FINALLY able to squeeze in the handicap space...
Dirg: you aren't handicapped. wait you went to Walgreens? CVS?...
Takahashi: but you're my passenger and you're mentally handicapped...
Dirg: i'm your constant companion you just won't admit it. did you bring me anything ya doof?
Takahashi: they sell beer at a pharmacy? that's counterintuitive...
Dirg: Hurricane Beta? too easy...
Dirg: enough with all the -ish shows. all the spinoffs. it'a a bunch of ish if you know what i mean! black-ish was cool, just leave it at that...
Rubikon snarls at Dirg from a nearby bush lining the court:
Rubikon bows in feign:
Rubikon: pardon me, ever sir, but would you do me the honor of being in a Verzuz with me?
Dirg: hot diggity! i always wanted to do a rap-battle to you guys! i've made it, ma!
Rubikon snarls at Dirg and votes early at a polling station at Denny's...
Dirg: you know Mister Rogers ended RIGHT before 9/11...…...not sayin jus sayin...
Dirg: Yvonne Orji, ironic last name, no sex till marriage, but sex scenes are okay to do. you know, for practice. WHAT A WOMAN!!! i'm blushing for the both of us. that takes strength and will!
Laertus: yeah buddy, she's PERFECT for you! but are YOU perfect for her? she called but you were out.
Dirg: WHERE!!!?
Laertus: at your zoom Tigtone meeting...
Dirg: CURSES!!!
Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?
Tyzik: firstly, what would you have named River's Edge?
Dirg: Porn That's Watchable.
Laertus: it does have that seedy grainy look. i would call it Slayer.
Dirg: ah the '80s, back when metal still mattered. metal matters. this one really WAS edgy. and they pulled it off.
Eye: and now to discuss the most important thing about this movie...
Dirg: Ione Skye?
Takahashi: no the blue baja bug! that's tasty alliteration! that's why i of course am now driving the EXACT car used in the movie, i am of honor to show honor.
Dirg: see? see that huge tailpipe sticking out of the hood which is air pumping goddess-knows-what chemicals and smoke into the atmosphere. but back in the '80s STYLE supplanted stupid environmental concerns!
Eye: i LOVE the incidental music in this! very soundtracky, very David Lynch music in Blue Velvet. i hesitate to call it Lynchian cos this one came first!!! it's BETTER than Lynch's cos it came first!!!
Dirg: that's not what girls tell me...
Laertus: i love how this is a departure from all those empty teen-sex comedies that flooded theatres at the time. the market, not floodwaters, too soon, i'm sorry. written by a guy in a wheelchair so you see where the pain and the disenchantment come from, humor so dark it's chilling. by showing the emptiness of youth this is a very filling film...
Dirg: this was back when all these huge megastars were still unknown hacks in the Hollywood rigged system. i could still take Keanu at this time, he wasn't the god he is now. like seriously today people think Keanu is actually God...
Laertus: that poor girl who just lies there supine on the muddy riverbank completely buck naked for the others to poke a stick at deserves hazard pay for this role!
Dirg: yeah, and notice they used up all the nudity on her and didn't leave any for the nakedness we WANTED to see: Ione Skye's sex scene! who has sex under their skirt?
Eye: Ione Skye has been with a Pepper and a Beastie, but her most interesting relationship was with Jenny Shimizu.
Dirg: from around here. around Obec. no, Jenny Shimizu's most interesting relationship was with Madonna!!! are you kidding me!!? i'd KILL to have an arrangement where Madonna three or four times a year calls up Jenny to her suite in London and proceeds to treat her like a ragged sex doll for eight minutes or however long it takes celebrities to cum. inbetween connecting flights, people mover, hangar hookup. where do I sign up for this work?
Eye: for as long as she lives, Jenny can say she fucked Madonna. or rather Madonna fucked her.
Laertus: i'm still not sure if Crispin Glover is a brilliant actor or he was intentionally hamming it up for this, deliberately pronouncing his words into distinct syllables like a Northern-Californian surfer who took Shakespeare in the Valley...
Dirg: ask David Letterman.
Dirg: *he blows into his fist* NorCal! West Side! really gets into the meat-and-potatoes of why serial killers crave power. to have dominion over another soul, over the land of animals. but of course the feeling doesn't last. who does Daniel Roebuck, the toilet of the movie, remind you of?
Eye: Jon Garibendi, mafia boss.
Dirg: a young Oliver Warbucks.
Tyzik: that heavy dude from Head of the Class.
Dirg: the fat kid from Goonies.
Laertus: Jonah Hill.
Takahashi: can we travel back to a time when in small towns the ONLY arcade cabinet was at the 7-Eleven? bigtime arcades were only for large metropolitan cities...
Eye: and a time when giving your rubber sex doll head was kept in private, not posted to the internet...
Laertus: the domain of the city. the little brat kid brother who just wants love went on to marry his husband and produce horror-parody films.
Dirg: the last girl, good for him. i'd hate to have a stepdad...oh wait...
Laertus: DENNIS HOPPER! DENNIS HOPPER IS REQUIRED TO BE IN EVERY ONE OF THESE FILMS!!!
Dirg: called Feck cos...you know why...
Laertus: Feck is a former biker cos...you know why...this tale takes place in Northern California, this and the Ratched Nurse Ratched origin story...
Dirg: something about Caifornia, aye? maybe a little rebellion against a little city i like to call San Francisco...
Dirg: ah, back when Portland was still a destination, back when it was still the hippie's dream, the hippie's Shangri-La...not a mob...
Dirg: the real star of this is Moko, that's a true loyal Milius friend, tries the pot and keeps his mouth shut...
Laertus: it's always weird to see a kid driving a car. haha, the man with the shotgun, i ALMOST thought he was gonna let the boys in...
Dirg: don't get it, ol' Crispy Crispin with the Glove You Must Acquit could have gotten outta Dodge if it weren't for those fecking pills...
Takahashi: yellow Pee-Chees!
Dirg: i mean they don't even show what we all wanted to see: Ione Skye fucking her teacher! we wanted to see those frogmouths go at it! i really thought at the end the little twerp snot-nosed kid brother was gonna shoot Keanu...
Eye: you can't kill God. g'night, folks.
Dirg: isn't killing in any occasion wrong?
Laertus: see but the kids who are hollow and empty inside DO show emotion finally at the wake. that's a lesson for you, Dirg, you can learn from these kids, you with your hollow empty inside husk...
Dirg visits Dennis Hopper at the hospital in one of the bungalows on the island...
Dennis: *forlorn pained eyes* i had to kill him, he was a monster...i didn't want to kill my girlfriend...
Dennis asks to borrow Takahashi's baja bug and Dirg gives Dennis the keys.
Takahashi: *drinking water underwater* WHAT DID YOU DO! *pulls out hair*
Dirg: what, he needed a ride.
Takahashi: did you see Dennis in this film? for once he was the sympathetic one! he had a heart in this, he had remorse!!! he was genuine in this, just trying to gain a friend! he was safe and getting treatment in the hospital, but you let him loose and he's gonna lose all empathy amd become the monster of Blue Velvet. blue VW bug car, blue velvet, this was all preordained beforehand!!!
Dirg: in my defense, i didn't know that was a MENTAL hospital...
at another bungalow on this Monte Carlo island, Galivant is teaching Pat a new trick:
Pat: where's Serano?
Galivant: partying underwater in Atlantis. he has the luxury of breathing...
Galivant's private getaway is encircled by a row of cool ice-blue bricks. the court is Kentucky blue grass, very special, Herro grass, shipped in not from Kentucky but from Connecticut.
Dirg behind a bush: if i smoke this grass will I get a girlfriend like Tyler's, too?
Galivant: remember how you slice the serve?
Pat: yeah that's the thing, i've seen the slice serve on tv of course, many times, but i've never actually done one myself. when i absolutely HAVE to serve i rely on the ol' power serve line-drive down the middle.
Galivant: not the army. well you can't hit in into the net. can't hit the tape, we do TikToks here. and you're gonna have to serve like a LOT in tennis...
Galivant: shoot the ball up and look at the sun er the moon the moon gently bathing my bungalow in blue at night along the crest of the ocean waves. when the ball reaches its apex...
Pat: ...i will never be an apex predator...
Galivant: ...smooth the tennis ball over, lightly brush at it like you're combing your hair...
Pat: girls have hair, men don't.
Galivant: like you're combing the ball's fuzz hair. slightly rimjob the ball, like you're giving it a hello howdy-doo. and watch as it coasts off the edge of your racquet like a teacup saucer.
Pat: are you keeping a dead body up in your apartment? is that why you won't let me see your apartment? IS HE YOUR RUSSIAN EX-LOVER!!?
Galivant: you have quite the imagination!
Pat: no i have a past.
Galivant: i just want to keep things professional. no students in my private place of dwelling. what would you watch up there? what would you eat up there?
Pat: soaps and ice cream.
Galivant: come on, that's it for today, er tonight. let's get some pizza. there's a Little Caesars in the next bungalow...
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