TMIT: RIVERDALE MYSTERY OF LIFE, LEFT UNSOLVED

love this picture of him, he's measured, relaxed, way beyond the bad-boy days but still sharp in a grunge shirt, a stable father and husband, full of wisdom growth on the wrinkles of that kind bearded face.

as you can imagine, i wasn't a big 90210 guy, being an uncoordinated tetherball nerd who could never join such a cool high-school clique. but we did one afternoon somehow miraculously watch 8 Seconds as a school thing. looking back, was it for a bullriding book report? no, more likely the teacher just wanted to buck regulations and go out for a smoke on school time. i was slow on the uptake in those days cos of too much lettuce so i didn't get what the title meant. my friend, who i assume now was playing a prank on me, said the title referred to why Luke Perry is so popular with the ladies. i should have called bull but i didn't know. i'll never forget the lasting image which sticks in my mind from that film even today: at the very end, i still see Luke today, in his dusty chaps after having bested time itself, he raises both his hands and closes both his palms in a strange ducky way to say goodbye to the audience. fade to black credits, wonderful. hey, we all fade to black eventually…

1. the first time i looked into your eyes, i cried...

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2. the last time i had a good sex session i wasn't eating pizza. it all involved a neti pot. allow me to explain. so i go to the town doctor, who also happens to be the town jester, move the large boulder myself which nearly cripples me, and sit down on the trunk for a talk. he informs me that i'm having issues. i tell him i'm having issues. my nose is always stopped up even though i don't have a cold. he says i have a fever. do i eat or starve a fever? he tells me if i starve, i could die. then again i could eat some bad lettuce and die, too. he steals the pretty neti pot on his desk---the one with the elephant on it---and tells me to get to work at home, homework, fun homework. i return a week later completely cured. i tell him i used the neti pot on my penis, stuck it right in there for a nice jacuzzi steam bath, really opened up my pores, especially the big pore that is my peehole. "that's not for your cock" the doctor screams holding a sock on his lance. a lance which btw does not lance boils. "this is not dick cream. the vapor is supposed to unblock your nasal pathways and clear out your sinsues." "but it worked, doc!" i enjoinder, "after lodging my cock up and down the neti-pot kettle spout, all the backed-up cum left my body and i was able to have healthy sex again! and i was able to breathe again, psychologically! now that's spilling my hot tea. and the tea tastes great! we're having a baby!"

3. the only time i danced to a techno song, i breathed, starting a fire using flint in the neighbor's backyard, it was a BBQ bonfire everyone invited, not a Wicca thing. and i smacked my synthesizer up when i started to cover a Prodigy song, was tasked with providing the entertainment and liquid entertainment.

4. my best...frenemy taught me everything i know. she let loose all her secrets about life, love, and litheness on my face, we'd snuggle under one scratchy blanket and watch Chris Matthews. but then there was that week that Chris Matthews wasn't on mysteriously even though it was a consequential news week what with the hearing coverage and all. this sweet mystery of life was left unsolved, was Chris sick? that's the only explanation, he wouldn't miss this otherwise. she said she couldn't do it to the substitute teacher anchor in the glasses...

5. my worst...friend was still a friend. i call him up one day in his office tower high up in the clouds. to see how he was doing. he proceeds to deliver over the phone a 2-and-a-half-hour-long rant on how white-collar crime wasn't that big of a deal. he ends with the capper that by white-collar crime he meant the priesthood. "those collars signal BDSM, right?" i asked him if he had had sex lately to ease tensions in his temples instead of the office Peloton gym. he said he had, that's why his building was all white, and why he had a white collar round his neck.

BONUS no one, no matter how much experienced, still has some unfulfilled desires. what is at the top of your yet-to-do list?

the mystery of where Chris went haunted me. then Chris came back and explained it himself:

Chris Matthews: i'm a Catholic so i leave a lot of sexual desires on the nightstand table if you catch my drift. i wanted to explore, get out there, get after it, and travel to see where my wind energy landed me. i had a burning desire in my formidable belly---you know how much i love film---i just, well, i just wanted to do the Farscape reboot, you know? i mean how long has that supposed film script been worked on now, a decade? i know Jim Henson died and everything but still.

Chris Matthews: excuse me, the President wants to ask me a question, i mean the other way around.
Chris Matthews: answer the question now!
President: don't ask me uncomfortable stuff when i'm entertaining sports teams.

Chris Matthews: so i set out to New Zealand and started filming. on my ipad mini. i play Ben Browder---btw, what the hell happened to Ben Browder? you would think those crystal blue eyes and brows and chowder and acting chops straight form the farms of Tennessee would have landed him the next Burt Reynolds by now. and of course Denise Crosby plays that Black bond girl love interest of mine. what the hell happened to Denise Crosby?

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