BUT WHO HELPS GOOGLE?

notes:

* Ebert would have liked this. Siskel not so much.

* Super Bowl whaaaa?...

* Keir Dullea: eyes so blue they had to invent a new kind of film to hold them. 420mm. unfortunately that also led to the beginnings of the genre of mumblecore.

* never mind the music, folks, The Ramones really didn't want their music used like this, they wanted to remain indie just playing small clubs in New York and Dubai.

* HAL: your eyes are a dull shade of blue.
Keir: i take care of them, two drops every night before my bowl of Fruity Lucky Charms. open the fucking pod-bay doors, HAL! i need to go pee!
HAL: what color is my eye, Keir?
Keir: do you want me to pee in your eye, HAL!!?

* George Lucas: can i use that outside-space shot for Star Wars?
Kubrick: which one?
George: the Space Baby one.
Kubrick: oh hell no! it's not my fault that you decided to blow up the Death Star thinking there would be no sequels!
George: fine. but give me back my charcoal pencil you stole from me!
Kubrick: i need it for the Monolith.

* foggy man: i have a picture of a tiger on my phone but i don't know how.
Zach Galifianakis: you were in that commercial with the loving dad and his daughter dressed in that tiger costume, remember?
foggy man: right right. i have a daughter?

* mother in car: what are your plans for the future?
daughter in car: i'm gonna go to city college then to jail.
mother: i am so proud of you, honey! that shows real work ethic! you're actually gonna leave the house!
daughter: and i'm gonna leave the car.
mother: what?
daughter: nothing. Uber or Lyft?
mother: none, both companies are full of perverts, it's safer with me driving.
mother: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
mother: why'd you do that!!? were you trying to kill yourself!!?
daughter: no, it was to show you you were speeding, i'm worried about you, mom.
mom: thank you. i got this daughter who gives me stress…

* Drew Barrymore: i filmed this Scream scene in the two minutes i was married to Tom Green.
Tom Green: that was back when you were still cool.
Ghostface: what door am i at? and is that World Book Encyclopedia set from 1979?
Drew: patio door. the po-lice are on their way. see ya. you know this cream scratchy sweater i have on went for a million Banksy bucks at auction.
Ghostface: okay okay i'll leave, i'm backing away. just don't ring the Video Doorbell alarm, it's so embarrassing when you have to run away from a house in broad daylight like that cos it's too loud.
Tom: who are you, Ghostface?
Ghostface: your cancer.
Tom: i am NOT cancer.
Ghostface: i'm a famous rapper. what's your favorite scary movie?
Drew: The Emoji Movie.

* Tom Cruise: what's with your shirt? it should say LIFE MATTERS.
Cuba: not this again, you will never get it. show me the money. i represent Cuba.
Tom Cruise: Apple stocks are down ever since Tim Apple announced. but Dianetics stocks have remained at a steady 35% since the 1930s.
Bill Gates: *at conference* so i was walking down the street and the President and Steve Jobs come toward me and i'm, like, stay the fuck away from me!!!
*crowd laughs*

* Deadpool: Google, what's on my schedule today?
Google: you missed everything oversleeping. your favorite inside-robe got wet cos you forgot to go to the bathroom. your Civil War reenactment was at noon sharp and all your fake war buddies went out for beer and a pack of cigarettes afterwards and were never seen again.
Deadpool: they're at my house holed up in my bedroom. they're all deserters. not cos they went to Desert Storm. that is grounds for court-martial and impeachment. i called Nixon on your asses, he's coming with his police.
war buddies: we know we deserted you. we deserted our friendship. good, we'll wait right here, Nixon will give us all pardons.
Nixon: hello, we've got you surrounded. is this Slade's house?
Deadpool: damn it.

* BONUS, CLICK HERE
random Hitchcock Blonde driving: any motels near by? i need new windshield wipers.
Google: Bates Motel. it's complicated. it's a 0/5 but a 1/10. shall i book you?
blonde: is there a bath? i really want to take a bath.
Google: i'll give you the room...…...as long as you're not Elizabeth Warren.
landlord: yes?
blonde: Google gave me a room.
landlord: i know your secret. i know your secret. i know your secret.
blonde: you're really creepy. what do you mean?
landlord: YOU'RE NOT A NATURAL BLONDE!!!
blonde: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies. me at Taco Bell this weekend:

me: so the fries are made from rattlesnakes?...…