TMIT: SEX: THE LOTION

i don't care what nobody says, softcore does it better

1. who has a tendency to hold a grunge---you or your SO? my ex from Japan, who comes out of the tv every night when i'm having my tv dinner of broccoli and cheese powder alone on the tray watching major-league European lacrosse from Hungary to make sure i'm not lonely and cold. she has the most beautiful eyes, you can't see them on account of her extraordinarily long hair, which i also cherish. i appreciate all she does to ease my self-doubts post-breakup but the thing is, SHE broke up with ME...

2. the last time you had sex, was it meaningful (making love) or trivial (getting a much needed fuck)? for me, a fuck is meaningful. i mean it's like a sugar rush, right? you simply must fuck now, sometimes i don't even take off my pants. when it's meaningful for us, we always play John Davidson trivial pursuit after, that's how we know. the man is now a silver fox and plays the guitar with Yanni---whose last name is Laurel---in a clear cave full of silver crystals. there is one difference which separates lovemaking from a hard letting-your-end-out fuck: one less lash. from the whip. and the eyelash brush.

3. do you have sex with your eyes open or closed? why close your eyes? takes all the fun and money and hard work to get there and sweat equity and equity out of it. just makes life harder on yourself. you don't see who the person is, you need to for many reasons, even if only for safety concerns. you have to see where you're putting the thing in which hole. or you might accidentally put it in your flower vase and get it stuck there...…………………...oh, i didn't know i was at the Solar Cookers International convention, carry on...

4. when arguing with a loved one, who is most likely to "hit below the belt" first?, attacking your partner's character or something personal about them.

it went down like this:

me: Mike, it's time to go.
Mike Tyson: where?
me: no, it's over between us.
Mike: you have low moral fiber. i use more fiber to feed my pigeons than you have morally.
me: Mike, it's just, well, i'm scared of you.
Mike: you confiscated all my belts!
me: those were your underwear linings, they're all stretched out beyond repair, the belt of your briefs. ironically i wear the boxers and you wear the briefs.
Mike: did you sell them on Craigslist? Craigslist is still a thing? Cus always told me if he ever disappeared, to find him there. in the classifieds. under "Desperately Seeking Susan".
me: Mike, i feel for you, you're grieving and you've taken one too many shots to the head. so have i, in jello shots. you see? we're not helping each other out in a synergy cycle, we're simply feeding on the other's depression like two piranha.
Mike: i had a pet piranha, but he was so blue being alone he turned gold and swam on his back relaxedly the rest of his life.
me: no that's Nemo. actually got a happy ending until the sequel.
Mike: up your nose with a rubber hose.
me: your underwear linings look like little rubber belts. you don't have to wear a thong to have panty line.
Mike: party line? i've been blocked from calling those, they only work at night.

5. is sex with your best friend a dream come true or the worst nightmare? i've been wrestling more than boxing with this. what is the best outcome? to remain a best friend with your member of the opposite sex for life with no sex to screw it up? or is every platonic relationship destined to be bound for hot and heavy waters, at least to test the ship in those shaky bubbling waves? the sex will undoubtedly ruin the friendship, but what if it launchpads you two to something much more meaningful? and hot n fuzzy rather than warm n fuzzy. my friend and i have had many a knock-down-drag-out over this. there wasn't much damage left in my room after cos my friend is imaginary.

bonus: share with us your best tip for making your online dating profile stand out: no photos...

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