Friday, January 11, 2019



* disclaimer on front street: this is not an endorsement of Walmart. i've never been to a Walmart. they're not allowed to build Walmart in my neighborhood, i live in Paradise and the permit to build that parking lot closed when an acoustic guitar was tied to a tree with a yellow ribbon. now i know why Billy Corgan and Paris Hilton are such good friends. btw, what the hell happened to Paris Hilton, where is she!!? i need her father-in-law to ring the 24/5 Bell.

* this is the same thoroughfare they used when Dick Cheney and Anne Hathaway were getting it on...btw, where's Anne Hathaway? i know this is the age of the Disney princess but apparently only if you're animated....

* watch for incoming parkourists falling down that sunlit slit. follow the orange cones...up, you melted them all with your back-fire

* why does the Ghostbusters stationwagon have scuba tanks? the Marshmallow Man needed to be roasted, not drowned. and that tiny ladder is useless, it's cute but it's useless.

*  KITT was Rudolph before Rudolph. do you know why i love the '80s? cos you're never gonna see a desert that pristine ever again in the 21st century...

* i never watched the Disney Cars films franchise. cos i've never been into cars though i am into Disney. talking cars seems a stretch, i mean what do they drink? gas? now talking planes makes sense cos their propellers are natural noses.

* that's why you didn't get any business, Cutts is spelled wrong. people still get their fingers dirty scanning classifieds, right? and Rhode Island is so small it's not on any map. dog-grooming is a hard job, especially if you're a cat person. that van is like if Rowlf were a car.

* i'm ashamed to admit i still have yet to see Vacation, i hear that's the best one of the trilogy. Lou Glutz not to be confused with Lou Holtz or Lou Gehrig. i'm afraid of driving cars (why did i do this commercial?) but i will admit it'd be safer on the road if your two front headlights were eight lights like a spider's eyes. it's just, how do you top Chevy Chase's "na na na na na" superhero sound from Caddyshack? update: Chevy Chase is not difficult, Chevy Chase is an asshole.

* greeter: i'm not on strike, i live paycheck to paycheck, i've been reduced to eating dog food.
Scooby: it's not so bad. but don't believe the hype, sista, Scooby Snacks do NOT taste like cereal. i'm worried about my boy Shaggy, he told me once he's never eaten human food. that struggling scraggling shaggling beard on his chin? that's fur…

* Slimer's greeter: i'm trying to be nice and pleasant here, but all the green goo in my face i'm not used to. i'm not your girlfriend.

* baby raptors: Xiyung?
Xiyung: omg! you actually read my nameplate! nobody reads my nameplate, i'm just the nameless crazy rich ethnic Walmart greeter everyone passes by in the lit hall and treats like dirt. *touches her chest* i'm honored that you consider me a person.
baby raptors: we consider you a threat to the world. we have really good eyesight, can read tiny print.
Xiyung: you hungry? i mean for groceries...

* Fairy Godmother: i'm the fairy godmother, give me that pumpkin!
Walmart greeter: no I'M people's fairy godmother in modern times, this pumpkin is mine!!!

* Fred Flintstone: this is a load, but not as much as Wilma...

* Slimer: THAT's what you get for what you did, Becky With The Good Hair!!!

* Bumblebee: i finally made a good Transformers movie! i finally get my own parking space! honey, direct-deposit those groceries into my mouth, i took out my motor, i have to stay skinny for my mounting roles and job offers...

* KITT voice: it's the future, Michael.
greeter: he calls everyone Michael.
KITT voice: i trained at Juilliard, you think i'm dumb?! i was referring to Michael J. Fox obviously.

* Disney Proudly Presents: "Planes", the second single from Gary Numan…...this song didn't chart...

* there, now you don't have to watch the Super Bowl.

* speaking of, CLICK HERE

Cody Parkey drinks Coke. hey at least this kicker actually missed it, it wasn't tipped. what do you call that sound after drinking a soda longly and lovingly down your throat, refreshive sigh? Cody now works as a meter maid in the greater Chicagoland area. when he's not selling butter. his roommate is Bartman. they don't do interviews, but at least we now all know where The Simpsons is located.


happy weekend, my babies. i'm rooting for the Bears! well i'm rooting for Bears weather, i want all the games to be determined by heavy snow! football looks so pretty in the snow. my eyes will be darting between dueling dual screens, i'm gonna dig up the attic for my collection of Trackdown episodes for a rewatch binge. CBS Television is so good when it comes to delivering their old DVDs on time...

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