Friday, January 18, 2019



* one sun, many moons ago

* Jansport still exists in this universe, but there's no more time for cutsey duffel bags which house Hollywood teacup pets. the pets are fighting this war with us, there is no more atmosphere, those duffel bags contain the last oxygen our species, boh species, need to survive...

* woman: the old South African Crags, my mother used to lullaby them to me to sleep me.
man: the envy of the world. except for the White Cliffs of Dover who have seen many a flyer. too bad what's happened to them.
woman: i'd count the sheep......wait, what happened to the Crags?
man: those aren't sheep, those are graveyards...

* man: nervous?
woman: yeah, you're driving on the wrong side of the road. and i think i married the wrong man.
man: hey, i fell in love with your freckles, you fell in love with my asshole. my asshole qualities. they aren't gonna leave without you. *smiles*
woman: then why did my wake-up call ring late on my phone this morning?
man: you don't got the new iPhoneXXX!!?
woman: i'm qualified. overqualified. they're scared that i'm the first woman.
man: or first man.
woman: you didn't need to crash the candy-cane barrier, the pole was starting to go up.
man: like my love life. are you kidding?! we're in a VOLVO! this thing's a fucking tank!!! it can withstand ANYTHING!!!

* man: parking for the mall?
pimply-faced teenager: the mezzanine, it will always be on the mezzanine.
man: where's the Sbarro?
pft: in space. it had so much grease in it it rocketed there on its own.

* man: this place strangely looks like a Volvo dealership...
woman: open the door or i can't get my stuff and this mission halts forever.
man: i can't get the latch! i can't open the back door on the VOLVO!
woman: am i nervous? i do get nervous. it's only human. and i'm an android. of course i'm an android, i'm too pretty to be a real human. what do people think, all women on Earth are glam supermodels from their native Denmark or something?

* Steve Irwin: right, bonny. fancy a lift in my dune buggy?

* woman: the night is night. little did any human know then there would never be light again. it's pretty on the Crags tho. comfort zone? i never had a zone of personal space when i trained with the boys.

* woman: look at this press conference! nobody's here! what a Johannesburg joke! and the steps are even made of stone like this is the Roman Coliseum from a few years back! clearly not designed for a woman. i do appreciate the unisex togas tho. why did youtube have to interfere with virtual reality!? nobody wants an influencer in their own private VR experience! very funny putting this bank of mics to my mouth. no i will NOT wrestle in mud right now before you all.

* man: be scared, feel your scared, but never run away from things you don't know.
woman: okay but can you finally sign these papers? it would really put my mind at ease. i'm really itching to run away presently, i feel like a cheetah who's just chewed through her leash.

* woman: my mom taught me these lessons.
man: i know, i stalked your mom to gather intel on you.
woman: she always believed in me. and dad as all dads do put up the money. that's how dads show love, with a credit card. it's just a shame how they died on that first fight into space.

* FLASHBACK *hazy curtain*
woman: mom, do you believe in me?
mom: remember, the greatest ability is availability. capability? don't let NO ONE put a cap in the ass of your dreams.
dad: i'm handicapped. by my love for you.
woman: do you believe in me, dad?
dad: no, but here's 30 dollars.

* woman: mom, you promise not to laugh when i tell you what i want to become?
mom: but what if you want to become a comedienne?
woman: it's just comic now, mom, comic, get with the times.

* woman: i want to be the First Space Person.
TMNT: then why are you peering gazingly over inside the stormdrain portal of a sewer?
woman: cos that's where all the water on this planet is now, drips from underwater caves.

* woman: why are these sprawling flags tightly hung pole-shaped on the UN ceiling so big? we don't have countries anymore. please take me out of this viewing area, i don't want to be reminded again......this was the last room ever to have central heating...there are no more earplugs, all the cork had to be used for our wine bottles...

* man: i can't hear you, i'm driving under a tunnel.
woman: very funny, all of our roads are one big tunnel. it's so beautiful up here, the clouds are cotton they really are actually cotton candy, i've been eating them, they're my only food source…
man: describe the beauty you see up there.
woman: they should have brought a poet. not a port. i am a poet but i'm no Jodie Foster, who had her first book published when she was a little girl. it's so beautiful up here, it defies words and's celestial and ceremony...are you jotting all this down? for my book. cos i can't breathe...
man: breathe, babe, breathe.
woman: no the air tank's not working...24,000 miles an hour...
man: that's what out VOLVO goes.
woman: i just wished NASA had spent all those billions of dollars on more than my wristwatch.

* woman: the universe is big, but we're bigger......nevermind, blot out that last thought, i just saw a goldfish the size of Jupiter swim by me in outer space...
man: it's going good.
woman: fuck the maid yet?
man: what? i mean Laika misses you......this is the same Laika dog from that previous mission into space, right?
woman: fraid not. those flying dogtags in zero grav you saw? i'm not really in the Atlas Aerial Armed Forces, or Night Navy, our planet has been stripped of all natural resources, there's no more need for war. yep, those dog tags are Laika's...

* woman: Miles, you ever think how we got here? this moment in time.
man: miles and miles and miles.
woman: we're incredibly fortunate and lucky.
man: luck had nothing to do with it. you were good. in bed.
woman: no, i had a good pair of...glasses.
man: you screen-tested well.
woman: no i tested well.
man: you were incredibly smart to be the first test-tube baby.
woman: how bout i was just smart.
man: you chased ghosts for a living.
woman: i chased the unknown.
man: you bought a door.
woman: i knocked down the door.
man: yes, that's why you had to buy a door.

* woman: can we change the song? i don't like this song, it's too Sixties Scottish. they're like Mumford & Sons, they're trying too hard.
man: can't. this VOLVO only has automatic shuffle.

* woman: there are two types of people in this world: Type A Personality and Type B Personality...

* a bolt of lightning hits the ocean, and the Earth is no more…


happy weekend, my babies. the AFC Championship. everything happens during the AFC Championship. remember when Johnny Carson died in the middle of the AFC Championship?...


Jules said...

One sun, too many moons. And, too many spoons. People don’t take this seriously enough. Like too many teacups. Too many tea cups means too many teacup pets and then you will actually need a duffel bag to carry all your other stuff around. But then, woman needs a man to carry this because she only has one pair of hands and needs to hold her selfie stick. Cue Trivago Guy. He was also scared of the first woman and decided to go travelling to get away. However, he just bumped into more and more women and had to get over it and prove himself useful. Now he’s overqualified. Except when it comes to driving the ubiquitous Volvo. He has to rent many a different car you see. Volvos’ don’t look good in Rome and when in Rome, you drive a Fiat. Small cars are much better when going through tunnels and float better when going through holes into space. But will you go to planet A or Planet B? This depends on whether you’ve too many spoons. I told you to take it seriously *)

the late phoenix said...

i want to be with you at 3AM in the morning writing, mah dahlin

the cake is a lie, unless you eat it with a spoon, but the spoon is a lie. Spoon Boy went on to star in Soundgarden's video for "Spoonman" then later evolved into Abby the Spoon Lady.

speaking of EVOLVE, VOLVO is what turned the tide of the war for Rome. but then Rome got greedy with safety...

there is no Planet A, only Planet B. we only have this one Earth which will dissolve in 2030 cos everyone thought climate change was a hoax. turns out, humanity was the hoax...