Wednesday, September 30, 2015


the Pope: the Pope. think about it. when you say that name and think of me, you smile, right? that's my mission. that's all that really matters. i'm a symbol, not a person. it's about a coming together, my Body is a rejection refuge, a pill when you're sick, an eye on you when you are marginalized. when you pray, it's a solitary thing, it's in your head, but you're not crazy, your prayers have just joined the largest community in the world. we're not a religion, we're a gang, and who doesn't want to join a gang? everyone wants the power of belonging, of mattering. we're not just matter. there are gonna be a lot of scary times coming up, a central collection of power, and you're gonna feel isolated and neutered again. you must keep the faith, we'll get through it. i am here. i represent the vocal minority, the guy in the room who stands up for what's not right in his perception. there must always be an opposition, there can never be just one answer, that's too easy. life is hard, that much is obvious, it deserves a complex answer, it demands one. this isn't a sex thing. i love all of you cute little sheep in my flock. i'll love you always. and the next life, too, whatever the hell that is.

the Pope climbs to the top of the highest point in Vatican City, a television antenna pole that allows the Pontiffess to get HBO and Showtime. the overcrowded crowds bustle and trample their way onto others' heads to get a better look at her Royal Majesty the Conduit of Heavenly Power Overtaking our World with a Blessed Bath of Light. normally this blessing is understood silently, but you can see the actual power crackling yellow then white from the points on the Pope's crown made of the Stones.


the Pope perches there for what seems like hours, waving furiously and blowing so many kisses to the masses she loses her spit.


the final scene of the Vicious Season 10 finale, which is the series finale. there is no dialogue:

(Freddie sits down on the couch he shared with Stuart for 50 years. at least they got to get married before, he thinks to himself. there is no more appetite for a quick quip or deliberately hurtful insult, somewhere along the way all that love masquerading as hate turned to just love. oh how deeply Freddie misses his life and joke partner, and it's only been an hour since the funeral ended. this show has a wonderfully mood-whiplash way of ending on a scene of great pathos, for all of its usual bold bluster and biting remarks. the camera pans to the center of Freddie's dead-eyed face. Freddie doesn't know what to do from now on, how to move again, there are times when another cutting comment doesn't cut it. fade to black. kinda like the Dexter ending.)

Sir Ian McKellen (thinking to himself): i'll use these feelings right now for when i undoubtedly play Magneto again.............but i REALLY don't want to wear that horrible helmet anymore.


Bridge pushes Kenyatta into the ocean at the tip of their island.

Kenyatta: hey!

Bridge: love tap. if i don't motivate you, who will?

Kenyatta: this plan has zero chance of succeeding. we'll drown before we make it to Brazil.

Bridge: all plans fail, that's the nature of plans, they fail upon first contact by a wave, human or water.

the women sidle-swim along each other but their weight is dragging them down. they're not making much progress, slow ants cresting ever so forward before the first big crest hits them.

Kenyatta: we're sitting ducks out here! now we're gonna die when i don't want to anymore. what is your last testament?

Bridge: you're not in the will. i don't believe in wills. i left all my money to the refugees for we are all refugees on this planet. did you ever love me or should i have changed my name to "work"?

Kenyatta: hey some of us work for a living and don't get a cheque handed to them each month. mine was forced labor but i eventually turned the system in on itself and imploded it. while i was spying for others i used my little eye to locate this paradise place. it's amazing what you can include in business expenses, i am so happy every country thinks globally now. i didn't love you for your money but i do love money. you made the incredibly magnanimous decision to spread your wealth not miser it, that must have been very difficult, i wouldn't have had the fortitude growing up in the work projects.

Bridge: easy. there was so much bankruptcy everywhere it was starting to get uncomfortable. i had to help to feel comfortable again.

a helicopter swooshes in and the ladies close their eyes and remain motionless. but it's not a Codrus drone or a warship, it's Cucumber in his rescue copter! he with some difficuly raises the two ladies up a slippery rope and onboard.

Kenyatta: yeah i think i remember you, it's been so long.

Bridge: sometimes you gotta trust a snake. not you, the rope. is that really your name?

Cucumber: i wouldn't make that up. and now you're really gonna hate me but my mama told me to tell the truth at all times. it was really difficult for me to pull you gals up and i'm a big strong man. you were really heavy.

Bridge: i know, i was packing some supplies in my bra, like a couple of whole chickens and other foodstuffs for the trip. gotta eat.

Kenyatta: well that explains the discrepancy when we make love. bae i love you for just who you are, you don't need padding.

the two kiss their mouths passionately to a delighted Cucumber in the background spectating.

Kenyatta: wait, you're not Team Codrus, are you? sorry if i'm paranoid, i'm a spy.

Cucumber: check my heart, it bleeds. i'm on the good side, always will be. i had the best mother in the world. i know what Codrus is trying to do, he doesn't fool me. my eyes are clear, i don't do Stones, he reminds me of those kings i read about in my Bible. Yayray told me your coordinates, he knows all about your place.

Bridge: but he remains strangely silent about it. and we're still alive. the power of a crush.

Kenyatta: please, that boy will always be that boy to me, i'll crush him alright if he thinks his positional power grants him the ability to be rude to me or toss me out with the rest of the garbage. that boy always needed so much work, thankfully for him i was a worker.

Cucumber: where to?

the chopper, obviously plated with some material invisible to the drones' detection, flies nonstop on some newly-developed Stones-infused efficient clean-burning fuel that gets good miles all the way to Brazil and where Cotard is at in no time flat.

there's a knock at the gate.

Erneste: you gotta be kidding me.

Kenyatta: i know this is not in the nature of monks, but open up!

Bridge: we got to da choppa!

Cucumber: hehe, well sort of.

Cotard: it is in the nature of Cotard tho. Kenyatta? long time no meat chat. hold on i'm having an important conversation with my dead mother and Little Red Riding Hood.

Uvula: it's more a strawberry hood than red.

Bridge (shakes hands with everyone): nice to meet you, i've never met a true bonafide monk before.

Cotard: you still haven't. Uvula, Bridge is it?, Bridge, Uvula.

Bridge: that cannot be your real name. which brings me to the urgent matter at hand. why are you so popular, girl? you must have one hell of a youtube partner. but first, food. i'm starving. i brought some chickens. (she pulls them out of her still-drying blouse.)

Erneste (screams and looks outside): no, not Sherlock and Moriarty my prized pets!!!

Bridge: no man, i brought these from my private island paradise, we only have one store but you'd be surprised what they stock in there. what do you think i am, a heartless witch?

Erneste (hyperventilating): okay, okay, my pets keep me company when the world won't. it's not them, they are sleeping in my room, they are clucking in their REM-state sleep, thinking about how it felt to be an egg, and what came first. those chickens look good, so juicy and tasty and seasoned with the ocean salt. i love chicken. that's my problem, i love chicken too much. you don't have any exploding candy bars in there, do you?, i'm always scared i'll bite down on one one day.

with a smile full of "this is the funny type of crazy", Bridge takes out the rest of the meal she brought, all manner of tropical fruits and banyan-strained tonics and spongy chocolate cake and cheeseballs.

Erneste: oh pao de quiejo! my favorite! how did you know!?

Bridge: idunno.

Kenyatta: you know she's with me, right?

Erneste: i did not hear that part, i have a bad ear for things, and people. woman i want to eat your cheese balls!

the gathering gathers at a small but strong stone table and chows down.

Kenyatta: so how did Miss Thang get so ting ting?

Uvula (chewing on a hard cucumber): it's another tale of woe i'm afraid. it's a sad backstory but this ain't no reality show, it's my reality po. ever since i could remember i remember being forgettable. no one ever met me, they'd meet past me to the next person, no one knew i was alive, i blended into every background like lead paint. i was young for my age so i was never taken seriously. as a fully-grown 21-year-old woman i stood inches and still looked like a girl. dates? none, and because of that i hate eating dates. i had nowhere to go so i traveled and before i knew it i found myself at the door of a mental institution. Lysander the doctor there was hesitant at first cos he thought i was seven years old. life in the nut farm was long, drawn-out and painfully boring. and i still felt pain. and i hated eating nuts ever since. nothing changed, i could never get a word in edgewise, a hello much less a wise word, cos all the nurses thought i had discharged and was no longer there and Lysander was always off on some spiritual journey or something. the charts always got mixed up, i never got the right medicine, which was any medicine. finally i went out the front door and realized i was an adult and alone. no friends, no future, no fire. the world had shun me,


i set up space in the woods but i couldn't quite give up the modern world, i had my pocket tv which kept the light on when my campfires went out. from that vantage point i saw all manner of trash tv, numbers, late gadgets, hookups, streams (the bad kind), reality shows, gaudy celebrity worship, no denominator, fake alternatives instead of genuine alts, escape, and just general emptiness consuming a consumer culture. there was no worth anymore, especially for young girls, which i looked like. i mean for a woman the only thing that mattered was her relation to sex. how in the grand scheme of fucking was she gonna be inserted? what she did, who she was, no, who was her boyfriend?, that's it. did she grow up into a beautiful, kind, generous young lady?, no, did she get her tits and ass in?, was her body voluptuous yet?, was her body stick-thin-Milan-model yet? sex not sense. getting laid not getting paid.......sometimes the two were one. i was angry. yes i was jealous. i was happy to leave this filth behind and start off with the fresh air of unspoilt nature. there aren't a lot of protected parks anymore but i found one near a monastery so hidden i thought it was some old kook's Revelations survivalist shack or something.

Cotard: you aren't far off, our founder was booted from the Vatican for teaching that the Apostles were really dinosaurs and that all dinosaurs talked. hey we'll never really know if dinosaurs could talk. at least he was trying to bring religion and science together. at least he was trying.

Uvula: speaking of animals, i decided that i would be forever alone and took up residence in a cave. a bear cave as it turned out. at first i was fine with this, the bear was never home, and i loved the whole concept of hibernation. i willed myself to sleep for months, i had nothing else going on. i tried to walk on all fours, i wanted desperately to be an animal, to shed my human form and embrace my animal instinct. i dreamt this, obsessed this, and then the fateful night the grizzly bear came back. i had forgotten what i was taught about what to do when a bear confronts you, cos i was never taught that: do you stand still and adopt a stance of strength, arms up, maybe growl, to show your dominance, assert your area? or do you run? the grizzly took one look at my face and ran away out the cave's entrance. i wasn't making a scary face tho. *sigh* i turned around and saw a fissure in the cave wall glowing yellow. what was this strange terrifyingly calming substance? i needed a strong force to break the wall down to see what was inside so i called the bear back. that's a long, drawn-out side story, very frustrating, i didn't know what to do to call a bear back, do you whistle or pretend you're a lady bear or what? anyway, the thirsty bear finally came back and charged at me and i jumped and it crushed the wall down. inside was a bright room full of loads and loads of gold bars, pirate treasure. i later came to know this booty as the Stones. i saw two skeletons in the middle of the piles, i hoped they were not my parents. i never knew my parents, don't know if they planted all this stuff here for me to find later knowing my personality. they were explorers, maybe they knew me better than i knew myself. long story short, the unlimited Stones essence in the cave gave me the power to communicate with and control all the animals on Earth. luckily, i use this power for good, i don't screw people. despite all the nurture i've been through, i have an innateness of good. blame my parents, they must have been good-natured people. and speaking of booty...(she glances at Cotard)

Cotard: what?

Uvula: you don't recognize me? wait, let me take off my hood. it's me, your first girlfriend. and mine. first boyfriend. and your first. and my first. remember about a week later i bumped into you as you gathered water from the same pont i gathered water for my cave upkeep, the ficuses (plural ficus or ficii?), the goldfish, and the cave paintings, not ancient paintings etched on the wall but modern paintings i found swimming in the streams (the good kind) i hung on my cave wall? i was sick of eating only berries so i was forced to venture out. we were pont buddies who became more. it couldn't have been more rom-com (i every so often still checked in with my handheld television). despite my past, i thought you were cute. hope springs eternal. i thought you were crazy, but i was crazy, i was living the tv show Land of the Lost for real. we did it awkwardly on the first date right there on the monastery grounds. so much flopsweat. there is nothing more desperate than two virgins finally fucking.

Cotard: that was you? i don't remember you.

Spirit Fuerza, who has been with everyone at the table but asleep this whole time, finally opens her eyes.

Fuerza: did i hear that my son fucked?


Jules said...

The ending of the Blackadder series was one I’ll never forget. You become so engaged with the biting wit and repartee that when they do that sort of thing at the end you realise how much you’ve invested and how fragile we all are. Even the Pope knows that.

Ha! I’m scared of exploding candy bars!

I need to go to a monastery. I'm sick of gaudy celebrity.


the late phoenix said...

juli: those Nazis and their exploding candy bars were insane. yes, Blackadder was mood whiplash put to such haunting effect. the title of the post btw is from the late, great Yogi Berra, his best Yogiism imho *)