Wednesday, May 27, 2015



the kids wonder what's wrong. Codrus has a large white branching mark on the left side of his chest, where his heart is, it's a lightning bolt of extra veins on the outside, right on the muscle. it hurts like hell.

Mohd: what color is it? i can't tell from up here.

Angie: it looks white, or maybe it's gray. no it's definitely white. it's trying to be gray but it's white.

Stew: at least it's not red.

Codrus (panting): don't worry, kids, mommy's here, mommy's alright, a few seconds of pain or enduring another century of hardship? i can take it, i must be like LeBron, a body racked but a soul intact, wrecked but not rekt, i can make it, so close to our goals, just four more games, four more days. hey but y'know what, be dears and get me off this slab.

the worst of it seems to be over, there are no more large meteors pelting the earth, only small pebble aftershock asteroids. Manny has been looking down this whole time, checking his watch. the news spreads like wildfire in this internet age. soon all of the nations and world government have come together by the shore in a small but mighty contingent of dignitaries, CEOs, and other women of power headed by the President of China. the Pope shows a little leg and her famous red heels when she sits down on St. Peter's stone sofa offered by an altar boy who then fans her with his hand.

Manny: what's all the commotion?

he looks at his watch and sees all the channels are breaking-newsed onto his image.

Manny: i've seen the enemy and it is me.

the world: what are we gonna do? i mean, citizens, we know what to do, we've planned for such an occasion. um, so yeah, armies, all the armies, ATTACK THE MONSTER!

Manny: monster? me? you don't understand. i strike an impressive figure, i am 100 stories high but i have 100 stories in me, that's more important. oh the stories i could tell. let's sit down and converse our verses and joke about life, let's talk to each other for fuck sake. guns kill people, puns thrill people.

unfortunately nobody hears this peace pipe. there are so many planes buzzing around Manny's head, one plane for each country in the world, even the Vatican, especially the Vatican plane decked in diamonds on the nose with golden-cross wings and frosted stained-glass windshield. nobody also notices many drones flying to the scene, Codrus's fleet of drones taking off from nearby wherries near his mothership. it's the cameraed drones which broadcast this historic scene to the world, the wifi world at least.

Codrus's glint in his eye brightens over any pain he feels in his soul. he turns around his telescope which is more electronic than first suspected and points its camera at his image.

all the screens follow suit, the only thing on tv now is the shot of Codrus's looming mug.

Codrus: citizens, be not afraid. the revolution will be livestreamed. this is the turning point of history. are you tired of the old religions? they don't work, do they? i have discovered at the bottom of the ocean a tablet that will change how we humans see ourselves, god, and the universe. Moses wishes he had this tablet. inscribed on precious beige stone are new commandments. well, not commandments, actually, but really, the meaning of life itself explained in ten sentences. come with me, follow me to our new smart destiny. we are no longer the stars' puppets. the beast you see before you in the middle of the ocean is the Beast Himself, but he's no devil. he's an old, wrinkly demon with a hunchback of false history, a cane of Cain, unable to keep the weight of broken humanity in a rubble pile on his shoulders anymore. folks, Satan is officially over the hill, he's an old man. fear not ever again.

world contingent: hey what's with all these drones? it's disrupting our army battle signals, we can't fight to our fullest capacity and ability.

Codrus: the drones are good, you'll see. you can't get such a panoramic of the news without them.

fortunately Codrus's signal of his grand message does get cut off for a minute and in its stead appears before the world a still of a camera drone's recording of one monk by the name of Cotard sitting in his cheap car in the middle of Rio traffic in Brazil at a standstill in sweltering high-noon heat. his expression of utter disgust and boredom, combined with the oversize wood rosary he wears around his neck, is an online sensation, it instantly becomes the greatest meme to date, with stuff written under Cotard's expression like FUCK MY LIFE and FUCK THIS LIFE and PUNK MONK and CHILLIN'. it beats Bieber, Katy Perry, and Gaga combined in numbers.

on instagram:

A: your insta feed is great. so imaginative and out there. crazy images. inscrutable quotes. but before i go on with you, i have to ask, are you mentally ill?

B: that pic of an apple you posted is disgusting. you should delete yourself immediately and leave insta to the grownups. you've lost a follower. your life is a failure.
C: *smiley tongue*
D: that pic of an apple you posted is disgusting, you should delete yourself immediately and leave insta to the grownups. you've lost a follower. your life is a failure.
C: i've blocked you, D.

E: why would you join Bieber, Gaga, or Katy Perry now? i mean maybe five years ago when it meant something, but now you'd just be a number.

Cotard notices he is on the air live all across the world.

Cotard: well it's a distraction from this car anyway. oh no, not this guy again! Codrus, right? i hate this guy. guys, why do you follow him, he's obviously a hack, a fraud, and i say this not only as a monk. come on, life's not as easy as all that, take it from me, i'm about to embark on a journey i'm not sure i can come back from. it's gonna be sad, deeply deeply sad and morose and soulcrushing. i'm not sure i have the strength to survive it.

Cotard notices Kiss the kitten in her carryall in the backseat.

Cotard: i'll close with this: i'm not sure if it's all the altar wine i've been chugging but i swear i saw my kitten Kiss take the wheel and do some of the driving over here while i took a nap. anyway, take that as you will. i opened one eye and saw my kitten in the driver's seat, i sat there silent and dumbfounded just looking at this scene no one else but me was watching. there are still mysteries still.

the world: we can't defeat the monster with our earthen ways. bullets are just bullets, they never have any effect. we need a new power or we haven't a prayer.

Codrus: right on cue you're lucky you have me. i have the new energy in my heart, literally. i just have to focus it with the help of my children into the guns of this mothership. once the guns are fitted, i'll spew my payload onto that sea beast and into oblivion.

Manny: my name's Manny. and see, folks? he's using child labor, child soldiers. i mean come on.

Codrus: do not accept Satan's lies. just wait a minute, citizens, the show will continue momentarily after these messages and a word from your local sponsor. i have to change tactics, i can't ram the mothership into him, can't take Mr. Manny by sea, he would have the obvious advantage. the only way is airpower.

world: nope.

Codrus: oh yeah, well i can transform my mothership into a car. it's like the SeaDuck. this is what i'll do. see that mountain over there past the haboob and the pyramids and the sphinx? yeah, that one with the wraparound porch of a road up to the peak of it? i'll drive up there and charge the guns along the way. by the time i make it to the peak, it's like twenty minutes if there's no traffic, i can shoot the gun right at Manny with full power. i'm thinking a couple of tries should finish the job, two, three times.

the world is quiet in amazement as it witnesses this episode. nobody in the world works, everyone puts down their things, says nothing, and with mouths agape silently watches. Manny watches the mothership, too. you can hear a pin drop it's so quiet, the only noise is the chug-chug-chug of the mothership-makeshift-makeship-car sputtering up the mountain.


Codrus and crew actually take thirty minutes to get up there the first time, 22 minutes of actual driving, 8 minutes for bathroom breaks for the kids. Codrus shoots his energy gun at Manny. it hits Manny squarely on his square jaw.

Manny: that tickles.

twenty minutes later, skipping lunch, the mothercar makes it up again and shoots with a stronger force its laser of wonder.

it misses Manny.

the third time the vehicle is essentially an SUV mom minivan going to soccer practice with three unruly kids on board, the kids are thoroughly restless and complaining and red and so over this. Codrus takes a breather, takes a breath, makes sure his aim is true, closes one eye, and fires the cannon with all his might. the force is extreme, the yellow light which bounces into Manny is severe, so severe it doesn't bounce off Manny, it just stays within Manny. the poor giant is knocked off his impressive feet, knocked aback, taken aback literally, crashing his back onto the ocean surface creating more headaches for the world populace. a white circle of light forms around the impact zone of Manny's stomach, the white light glows into a glow globe as big as the Earth, staying there for a minute until it dissipates with Manny with it. Manny disappears into the light.

the world: okay so we have more tsunamis but at least that bright white light wasn't another meteor hit as we had first thought. do not go toward the light. hooray! all hail Codrus! Codrus defeated evil once and for all! Codrus for President!

the President of China is not amused. his hurried, stern face becomes a meme which beats McKayla Maroney's not-impressed face in numbers.

the President of China: citizens, please do not be alarmed with all the drones flying everywhere in your neighborhoods the world over. they are simply doing their jobs. you might receive your Amazon shit a little late today, unforeseen circumstances.


Jules said...

guns kill people, puns thrill people. I've always thought you should be in marketing.

But everything I buy from Amazon IS from China.

You write like the weirdest dreamer. So imaginative, my sweet *)

the late phoenix said...

mah dahlin, y'know when people say i went here or there and all i got was this lousy t shirt? well i do those lousy t shirts.

i may not be independently wealthy but i got fine-feathered friends. for instance my friend Scrooge McDuck finances my blog efforts with his gold-coin swimming vault *)