TMIT: UP YOUR NOSE

learned postshow:

* J.K. Simmons will never host Saturday Night Live again...

* the person who sings the loudest isn't always right. in this case, though, Jack Black was right about Hollywood, it would be dead without superheroes. Hollywood couldn't bear the thought of, say, Superman dying. hey, that would make a good movie...quick, someone buy the rights to the comic book away from the guys who did the cartoon of it.

* i want to be part of you so bad! please! PLEASE!!! i'll wear the robe and everything!

* i still have a hangover headache. shouldn't there be an international day off from school and work the day after the Oscars? nobody is fit the next day. should be one after the Super Bowl, too. the Oscars are the real Super Bowl cos they count.

* current mood: champagne wishes, not so much caviar dreams. in fact my caviar dreams are turning into a nightmare, they are being avenged by Montezuma.

* you know that dream where you're walking around the halls of your high school in your underwear...

* there is nothing more terrifyingly human than awkwardness. i love you, Terrence Howard. i mean imagine yourself on stage, we actors dread this, you're up there, the spotlight is on you, you're in the middle of your SNL skit, and you forget your lines, you flub your lines, the autocue malfunctions, and there you are, not wanting this, not expecting this, dead air, the world staring at you and you with nothing meaningful to say, nothing to say, and you start to twitch, and at that moment you are more human than you will ever be, not rehearsed, not scripted, you wanted things to go swimmingly as scripted, but you are forced to improvise, improv on the spot, spotlight getting hotter, you thought you were hot stuff before, but what now? at this very moment what are you going to do? say? stall? perform? profound? your heart skips a beat, your throat falters, not enough moisture in your mouth, not enough oxygen, oxygen getting swallowed up by your collar which is starting to form steam. the only moisture is beads of sweat on your cheeks, all four of them. is it hot in here or is it you? eyes staring. bless, Terrence Howard, my man. whenever there's an awkward pause in the party conversation from now on, i will say "my mind is blown" and "this is truly mindblowing" and i'll never get stuck again. i was lost but now i'm found. teleprompters, what are you gonna do.

* i never believed in magic till David Blaine. good times, Fiona Apple. you, Neil Patrick Harris, you, NPH, you gave me that nostalgic magic feeling again. i'm a believer.

* no Ellen-tier selfie this year. i kinda want to see that selfie John Travolta took with Idina Menzel and Scarlett Johansson...

* Idina Menzel as John Travolta is cupping her chin and caressing her face: Glom Gazingo, it'll be funny they said, it'll get a huge laugh they said, he's a good sport they said, he won't do anything weird.

* whoa, Sean Penn's green-card comment: did he really mean that?! or was he just kidding? oh, i guess he was acting, it's hard to tell with him.

1. when was your last hookup? in college with a wonderful woman named Pam, not Archer Pam.

2. briefly describe the hookup: her place: at first we were out of a tattered romance novel. the sheets were always of rosemary oil, our bottoms were always glistening, and the aftersex conversation was transcendental.

3. how did you feel physically and emotionally after your last hookup? bliss. i serenaded her with this: "she had dumps like a truck truck truck thighs like what what what baby move your butt butt butt all night long"

4. are you still acquainted with the person from your hookup? my place: then, things started to get dicey. the aftersex conversation started to get more existential. i sung her this leitmotif: "she was livin' la vida loca." she broke up with me. she said Sisqo was still cool but Ricky Martin wasn't cool anymore. i had to agree and we shook hands.

5. how often do you engage in hookups? never anymore. the first time was so special to me i crystallized it in time by making it my last time. also, i haven't been asked since.

6. what do you like most about engaging in hookups? it's the only time i sing.

bonus: are you married and having hookups? i love to sing.

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