Monday, January 12, 2015


1. where you live what is the current season? everlasting summer. wait, just to make sure, let me turn turn turn

2. do you measure/report the weather in C or F? i use a water clock so my alarm is the lawn gnome coming through my window, slapping me on the head, and telling me the midday temps.

3. describe your ideal day of weather: no weather cos i'm in outer space, floating, on the Enterprise's holodeck where i programmed the program that allows a human to fly in space without a helmet and suit, just his wings.

4. when it is cold outside i want to: a) run outside naked exhilaratingly b) bundle up in warm clothes and go for a winter walk c) turn the heat up, stay indoors, make it rain, hibernate till warm weather returns d) i don't pay attention to the weather: i bundle up and run outside with exhilaration. it's still exhilarating cos i hardly go out. then i turn the heat down to approximate the outside conditions and i completely naked make it rain in my house. it's Monopoly money but it still counts. then i really get naked and take my yearly artist bath. i do not pay attention to the weather. i hibernate until i turn into a bear.

5. do you "go commando" in winter or cold weather? nope. make love not war.

6. for ten thousand smackers would you rather ride a bike for a mile in 7 degrees F or jump naked into a freezing cold Alaskan lake in winter? see all of these beautiful old men with beards above? they're my life, they're my Polar Bear Club. even that last old man.

7. what is your favorite piece of winter clothing? i like to wear nothing but my long scarf. the scarf always seems to fall into place exactly covering my penis tho sometimes my penis is a little longer and sneaks its head out.

8. have you ever worn long johns aka long underwear or thermal underwear? yes. i got teased for it in the lockeroom. the rest of the tough boys on the water polo team would strip down naked and take ice baths before the big game and there i was wrapped from head to toe like a mummy in my thermal beige cloth wraps. they called me horrible names like "mummy". later i found out that dude, the last old man up there, had mommy issues and was mad about a missed carpool. all of these boys later became my Polar Bear Club. we do yerba mate together and reminisce on that time we lost the water-polo semifinal 7-1.

bonus: do you have more or less sex in the winter months vs. other times of year? it was winter and i got it stuck on the flagpole, it froze in place there. even after watching the movie i still made that mistake. there are hazards to winter fucking. my (tongue) lost all feeling after.




Jules said...

Long beards are better than long scarves for covering peeping penises. *)

the late phoenix said...

juli: one legendary old man wears both and is worshipped locally as a demigod. he has two penii *)