TMIT: ONLINE LOVE IS LIKE BLUE METH...

the last pic there, right up above here, one day this beautiful day will happen for me, one day, i only have to continue living and hoping, one day, me and my first love in the Second Garden of Eden.

so Burger King finally breaks even after the less-than-inspired french-fry burger with their Satisfries, which are healthy ridged french fries they now serve. i was certainly satisfried after sampling them this weekend. i stay healthy by cramming mounds of french fries into my mouth, that's my secret diet, i don't have to exercise or nuttin' afterwards.

1. why do you like sexting or virtual sex (chatting, skyping, etc.)? that's a thing? all this time, i thought chatting was when you defenestrated your useless computer, called up your neighbor on a non-Apple landline phone and asked him to come over to shoot the breeze while whittling wood and rocking on rocking chairs out in the open on your front lawn. then you go fishing at night.

2. when you're about to "get busy"---down and dirty---do you like to be undressed by your lover or do you do the removal of clothes by your lonesome, i mean, by yourself? are we talking virtual or real? oh, i guess there's no difference anymore. women like men who take charge, so what i do is rip my own clothes off by myself in a sexual frenzy. then i start salivating and generally acting like a sexually-repressed Bigfoot. some women are still intrigued and don't hang up the internet phone. well, only one was after that, a fan of Harry and the Hendersons who wanted from me a VHS tape of the rare unaired pilot.

3. what's the most desperate thing you've done for sex? i was willing to throw it all away for one night of hot, gooey, salacious, tribal, unadulterated adultery. got kicked out of the tribe the next day. couldn't control my urges...i know i disgraced the elders, but that huge totem pole in the village square looked exactly like my huge totem pole, i had to find out for sure...

4. viagra for women will hit the market soon. if you're a man, would you want your female lover to try such a drug? abso. i love all drugs. drugs were meant to be experienced and enjoyed. i mean, love is a drug, right? what's so funny about peace, love, understanding, and blue meth? doctors are like cool drug-dealers, right?, nice drug-dealers who won't get you caught up in a border battle. that's what my priest keeps telling me, he drones on and on about me getting him his prescriptions and altar wine.

bonus: if it were legal in your country/community to visit a SEX BOX, would you? i've seen those on the news. i want to move there. that's like Jack in the Sex Box, fast-food prostitution while trying to be as clean and safe as possible. yeah, that's where i want to be early Sunday mornings instead of church, any excuse for me to avoid my priest and his drones, y'know?

in all seriousness, i'm just a poor soul who wants to fuck hard and love hard, not necessarily in that order.

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MARRIAGE IZ SERIOUS BUSINESS

hey, this was the first time i was able to fit in a pic that was extra-large, not just large, onto a post of mine without the pic being so big that it leaves the borders of the post and wreaks havoc by messing with the right-side column of the blog. if anyone deserves this honor, it's Kate!

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SSS: THAT TICKING

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above for 3 of 4



my useless life ticks away

tick tick

damnit! i cut myself on that exposed spring wire deep in the chewed-up hole of my mattress

third time i've hit that exact spot on the back of my elbow

it's cold there, hot now, my fingers are getting tingly, numb

i'm too tired after 8 hours sleep to leave the comfort of my bed

i'll let it hurt, let it bleed, it's not bleeding

what a fantastic dream

more and more i want to stay in the dream realm

this one i was an actor in really felt real,

this time i knew this was my real life and the other was the other,

there was Dad and Mom and i all nestled together, easy talking, laughing quietly

like we used to do, it came so easily to be easy,

and inside the circle of us soaking up all the attention was Kitty, the one who has since left us,

beautiful white Persian, fluffy family, beautiful life cocoon,

we are by a fireplace, no, a big blue gymnastics stretchy soft landing pit

and Kitty licks herself in her...um, place...and starts flying

this should have clued me in that this was not real, but it still was real to me, my beloved flying

as easy as an inside joke amongst my family,

that's what made it so special, the impossible was ordinary,

that's how my real life should go,

but it never will

i so hated to wake up from that one

where is my cat? he usually curls up by my feet, where is my second beloved?

the only friend i ever had

can't leave for the monastery, we need each other, it's us against the world

a world that doesn't care, doesn't notice me or anything else

while jamming up the highest internet speed possible

leaving the mentally ill to suffer along the highway of information

my cat doesn't fly, but i wish he could

wish i could, i'd escape into another dimension

the dream dimension

ouch, it's actually bleeding now

drip drip goes the red time

like when i was at school taking tests

the pressure

i'd look up at the clock on the wall as it tick tick

one of my nervous habits during tests was to brush the back of my head hair with my fingers

only then could i continue to question #2

that was back when i had hair...and mild OCD

i was gonna use that little anecdote in my novel,

but i'm not sure i'll be around to complete my novel,

so i might as well type it out here now for the world to see

get it out before i get out of here

WHILE I'M STILL AROUND, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK




the tick tick drip drip

carries me

along to my dark destiny

tomorrow isn't guaranteed

me

watched a health special on tv

realized i hadn't made any progress at all

back to square one, waiting to fall



just when i think i can make something happen,

i realize the end has already been written

long ago by forces NOISILY BLACK, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

moaning, murmuring, motioning for me to join them.


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TMIT: I...JUST...CAN'T...ANYMORE

1. what strange areas of your body are ticklish? my teeth. i'm trying to do what the dentist is advising me post-root-canal, but whenever the bristles of the brush or the wax line of the floss hit my chompers, i have a laughing fit that lasts 45 minutes.

2. what is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a pure fantasy level? something you think about but could never fully act upon. time travel. i want to go back in time to the point where i left college but hadn't yet turned to computer living as my substitute for love. i would make the fateful choice at that moment in my timeline to go the '80s-living route instead. this has nothing to do with sex. actually, it does. i would have been more sexually attractive now if i had done this. of course, i also would be forever alone. it's funny how those two dynamics can work in unison.

3. if you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history but you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life, after that week, would you do it? sure, what's wrong with that? that's what i have right now, a fish head for a head, that's what me and my proud people look like. i don't pay attention to human history, i'm busy having sex with my fellow fish-head-alien babes. our race got a bit of publicity when we were featured in the background just for a second on an obscure episode of Star Trek: The Next Generation, you know the one where Data the Android is kicking everyone's ass and CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK?

4. what do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? was it a great, good, bad, or horrific experience? it was horrific. i realized i couldn't just go into a McDonald's anymore and eat. Mom's dime had run out. i couldn't be the free-wheeling hippie goth anymore. rent needed to be paid. i had to go into McDonald's now and work. hippies don't work. hippies don't bathe. hippies don't believe in money. hippies still have stomachs which growl, though. no, i don't want fries with that. never again.

5. what part of your body do you consider the most unusual that enjoys being stimulated? my brain. i know that's the snob thing to say, but it's true. if you're not smart, this relationship isn't going to work. i have a fish head after all, so i'm not exactly thinking about grand things. i have exactly three thoughts in my brain, no more: food flakes, swim, stare with ominous fish eyes. you have to be the clever one, but you know all this, you're only with me for my massive fins, right? and that tail which just don't quit.

bonus: if you could make a porn flick with any celebrity, who would it be and why? one word: DENZEL.

my lovely neighbor works at a crackers factory. she is quite the stunner. i would literally not kick her out of bed for eating crackers...

celebrities are celebrities, but crackers, y'know?

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COPY OF A(N IPAD)

WATCH THIS VERY CLOSELY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.




there's something wrong with this broadcast, but i can't quite place it. maybe my copy me can, maybe it makes sense to him in his dimension, his timeline. the hair maybe? no...




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SSS: THE UNIQUE AND SPECIAL YOU IN THE OTHER DIMENSION

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above for 2 of 4.



if i could talk to the me in an alternate dimension...



did you have the same beautiful mother and lovely father? i was lucky there.

did you make your move with your first crush like i didn't?

do you like cheese fries? no, me neither. actually, it's complicated. i used to when i was a kid. or rather, i had an image of their taste when i was a kid because i never had enough money to buy them for hot lunch at the schoolyard. when i finally mustered up enough coins, i thought they were extraordinary, but i wasn't really tasting the salt and the cheese, i was tasting the lack of them in my life, i was tasting victory.

did you accomplish all your life goals? most importantly, will you leave something behind artistically indelible of yourself? thought so. me? still working on that (as i type one more word onto my blog place)

did you become a proper indie? the secret underground artist everyone knows about? the one who at the same time can have a million followers and not lose his street cred? can hold both titles in the palm of his hand? it's a tricky balance. you glide through it gracefully because that happened to you in your timeline. that didn't happen for me over here. i'm stuck forever.

how does it work, then? is my ceiling your floor? is your dimension the one where if you stretch out the space of my small room and turn it upside down and perpendicular to the x axis...the y axis, excuse me...and turn it around three times, you can enter your dimension through the tiny slit in the very right corner of my left eye? my third eye, excuse me? yeah, thought so.

are you in love at this moment with that new deep, rich, dark, dark, dark vinegar i bought at the Store last week? the one that is so viscous and full of weight and hearth and seed that it comes out slow and black like my soul to match my mood so perfectly. yes? you are? so, that proves that some events stay the same throughout all timelines, my likes of certain items pierce through and stick to all 1,393 (known) strands of my possible outcomes (the ones of me living on Earth anyway, the alien-planet ones are still a mystery).

which one is the COPY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, and which one is the original? which one proved to be the truly original artist?

you there, the one from the alternate dimension, are you better than me?




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TMIT: THAT'S ALL FOLKS

1. my passion project is______. surviving...long enough to upload one last final artistic masterpiece of mine to my youtube channel.

2. in the morning i hate to______. leave the comfort of my bed...but the video games aren't gonna play themselves, y'know?

3. if ______ were bigger, i would like it. my hole

4. please don't ______ close to me. jiggle your junk...junk here meaning your gold chains, i know i'm poor, i don't need to be reminded constantly.

5. i have had strange things happen to me but ________ is the worst. the aliens deciding i wasn't a good enough human specimen to anally probe me was the worst...i felt so alienated.

6. oh baby that feels good. will you ______ my ______? fix my life

bonus: what is the one thing that you do to make yourself and only yourself happy? this is something you do that uplifts you, blisses you out, and when you're done, it can be repeated over and over: it used to be that...but now it really is leaving an artistic legacy behind before i die. see, once it's over, it's over. you have to make sure to leave a piece of yourself in this world before you go or you'll be quickly forgotten. "eternal life" is really the memories that your friends and family will forever have of you, that's how you live forever. right, Dostoevsky? right, Dad? love you guys. see you on the multiple other sides, brotha.

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WETTER IS BETTER?

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.



in this age of conservation, do you still take long showers? be honest.




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SSS: "EVERYTHING" IS FINE

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above to activate the new series, 1 of 4. that is either the top of my shaved head or the surface of an alien planet, or both.



"Everything" by Nine Inch Nails. i know, it doesn't sound like NIN at all. it's as if Trent's directions in the studio to his band were, "okay, guys, for this one, we're not Nine Inch Nails, we're Blink 182." it sounds like a Blink 182 song...but i like Blink 182...kinda.

that was the point. it's not a tragedy. it's called artistic growth, or something. there is no need to freak out. there is no need to sign any online petition from the "real fans" trying to ban this song from the Earth forever. this song will alienate the "true fans"? you can't bury a brilliant aural idea once it's recorded, it has a way of creeping back up through the ground like a zombie. you can shut down radio airwaves, but you can't shut down a soul's waves. like a goth surfer, Trent's new direction strikes into your subconscious when you're sleeping.

what, you're saying i'm not a "real fan" if i don't sign this? hey, i'm the biggest NIN fan there ever was. i like Trent more than he likes himself, which for awhile there, he really didn't like himself too much, did he? things are a little better now for him i assume, there's more security and settling down, which makes for more introspective, relaxing, meditative, '70s funky beats rather than the angry, guitar-driven, shouting, pure-rage songs of the past. check out the new album if you haven't already, it sure puts a zing into your morning yoga routine.

i can prove to you that i'm the greatest NIN fan ever. i didn't just settle for the bare-bones tracks, i bought the exclusive album with the beautiful booklet with all of the pretty, unsettling artwork and the extra CD of remixes. yeah, i went for the extras, that's just how devoted i am. it was more expensive, but that's what goths do, we're unpredictable like that, we're crazy with the cash, even though money is ultimately meaningless like life, we carry it around, it's ironic or something. it's dark, it's metal, it's music, it's anti-establishment. i have to work an extra shift at 7-Eleven now, that's hardcore, that's atheist, that's anti-corporate, i'm not selling out, i just really like their Coke Slurpees. the Man brings me down everyday, that's where my art comes from, my pain is real, my manager is ruining my life. okay, so my squeaky-voiced manager is younger than me and is a Tool fan, but you get the general concept.

just relax and enjoy the music. pop open a blood-orange soda, don your black cape and insert your plastic Dracula teeth---i mean that's what i do, i dunno what your process is---and

EXPERIENCE ART, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.




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TMIT: IT ALL MAKES SENSE

the end of Futurama, twisted fairy tales, carnival love, and the new Burger King french-fry burgers. all of it makes sense somehow, it has to, it all must come together like a puzzle, i'm still alive here pushing the buttons. i'm sad, smiling, wistful, and...well, no, with the Burger King thing, i mean, y'know, everyone put their french fries inside their burgers when they were four, so the jury's still out on that one. not sayin' my favorite burger place has run out of ideas, but...

1. tell us something kinky that you refused to do with a partner (ex or present) but secretly wished you had done: just wished i had gotten that woman's name...she was the love of my life...

2. pick your top three lovers and explain why you picked them!: a) pickles b) ice cream c) magazines at the dentist's waiting room, those are my three top loves in this world. it's obvious as to why.

3. where on your body would you get your ex's name inked if you had to?: right smack-dab in the middle of my face for the entire world to witness, Mike-Tyson-style. hey, i want to advertise the fact that somebody at some point did in fact love me, that's something to be proud of.

4. would you rather have sex on the Ferris Wheel or the bumper cars?: ah, carnival love, ain't nuttin' like it. a carny took my innocence...

5. men: have you ever tracked a friend's or partner's periods for the purpose of treating them differently during that time? women: how would you feel if a partner did this?: yes, i confess, i like my mates to use proper grammar. what can i say, i got my perfectionism from my mom and my love of the English Language from my dad.

bonus: would you rather eat a white crayon or go down on Betty White?: in honor of this being the greatest TMIT question ever conceived, i'm going to leave it alone, not answer it, and meditate on it forever. i invite all of you to do the same, ponder this question's eternal awesomeness until the end of time and beyond...

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THE TITLE IS NOT "DOWNWARD DOG"

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i *LOVE* yoga.

SSS: FAMILIA

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above to reflect on the end.




mother's failing health

for granted catches up

in the city noise

escape

in the city soundscapes

no attention

in the silence

bright sorrow

soon is here

unplanned

certain

fate takes hold

birthright

WHISPERED, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK at birth

pointed toward death

happy the prize

famous the dream

success the icing

sex the sauce

love the goal

alone the real

sun the enemy

night my space

book my face

for the part

of the fool

cat sleeps

all my care

goes unnoticed

soon

gone

family

gone

too

soon

always

known

threads

snap

into

action

frenzied

knowledge

will you be my family?




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TMIT: LONG, TALL BUS

spent the morning with "Giving You The Benefit", "Mercedes Boy" the remix, and "Toy Soldiers" by Martika. thank you.

1. what type of vehicle do you use regularly? truck, car, bike?: i use the One Foot In Front Of The Other Express. or the bus. so a seemingly-simple trip to the bowling alley takes, like, 10 hours of intertwining bus routes there and back, just so i can let out all my anxieties with a couple of hard strikes down the lane and some greasy pizza...and funny shoes...and that shoe deodorant...i need that deodorant at home, i smell worse than used bowling shoes in the morning, even after the first shower.

2. do you use public transportation (bus/ train/ metro/ subway/ cab)? how often?: see 1. back at Cal, i of course used BART everywhere like any other new, fresh, wide-eyed student. those were the days, not having to worry about finding a ride. i saw Smashing Pumpkins at the Cow Palace one night by riding the convenient subway there and back. the BART ride was more interesting than the concert because all of the colorful characters on BART were at least still self-aware that they were humans, so elucidating conversations were still possible, whereas at the concert it was already a procession of the drugged and gone. that's the thing, once you're wasted, YOU still think you're funny and revolutionary, but everyone else has passed on you, even your agent.

3. have you ever had sex in/on public transportation? do tell: no, but i saw a porn once where a good-looking couple were getting their ends away on a trolley...

4. i know all of you gathered here today have had sex in a car or truck, but how many of you have had sex in your present vehicle?: well.................

you have to be careful where i live. that kind of stuff is frowned upon in decent society, even if it's for work. "work" and work are two different things. besides, how would that "work"? i mean, i'm walking down the street, and then what?...

5. when was the last time you had sex in a car/truck/pickup? with a known person or stranger?: um, i was at a "job" one time, and, um, one thing led to another.

the last time was with me. it was with a stranger. i am a stranger to myself.

6. have you ever had sex on a bicycle or motorcycle?: no, but i had some on a motorboat...

7. stick shift or manual? why?: i like to feel my shaft, i mean i like to feel the shaft...

8. ever had sex on the hood of a car? the British word for it is bonnet: yeah, i got my balls busted on the bonnet. see, this confirms my theory: the British way of saying things is just always better. there was no sex involved, got my balls busted is all.

bonus: you are walking down the street...See, told you...a very sexy and nude babe woman pulls up to you in her shiny new Mercedes Benz, she lowers the window and exclaims, "do you want to ride in my Mercedes?" what do you do? tell us what you want to do on that ride: i want to do everything that happens in the music video for "Mercedes Boy" by Pebbles. music videos are windows into a fantasy life for me, they teach me how to live to the fullest. i want to '80s dance awkwardly like that huge dude in the video. but more than anything, i want to bowl without having to waste the entire day. this will afford me that.

bonus bonus: what is the sexiest thing you have ever done in a vehicle?: i lived my dreams, went to that audition, never looked back, with my woman next to me i drove away from the bad city and traveled to where the road took us...we ended up wherever the wind blew...the new Taco Bell Fiery Doritos Locos Tacos.

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