SSS: CAT SCRATCH FEVER

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click above on my first ever ipad mini photo to dig up a new series

let me explain. that fronty pic up there with the glare bar at the bottom is the very first ipad mini pic i took. it was of my lush green garden in my backyard. it's a beautiful wondrous place my backyard garden, the type illustrated in children's fairy tales, with long greenery, yellow flowers, a place so awash in small clovers that one cannot see the brown dirt surface, you can hide in there and think about your imaginings, it's the Secret Garden, the Fairy Garden and everything else. well, the pic i took turned out well, i scrunched myself in the middle of the mini forest, tried to capture a fleeting chirping blue bird but couldn't, and took a nice shot in the middle of the whole thing, it was well-lit and crisp and clear and it showcased those unusual green clover plants with the five leaves that grow alongside the yellow flowers, i wanted my readers to identify the species for me.

lo and behold, i try to copy and paste the pic onto this very here blog post, and apparently, i need an upgraded server, or the server doesn't work with the function of adding pics or something, so i'm screwed, can't post the original pretty pic. somebody help me. instead, i'm sorry, but you get the pic as it's on my ipad mini (which i "love" so much) having to photograph the photograph using my desktop camera. hence, the muddied, gray, paltry image of its former self. one day i will learn...if you teach me.

the second part to all of this is the clicky pic, which shows you the war scars of my new cat, who i definitely love. if he's a scratching pistol with me, his Father, imagine how he'd be when my imaginary girlfriend comes over to play.

did you know that February is A Perfect Circle Month? i know, you didn't, huh? you thought i was going for Black History Month or Cupid's Reckoning. nope, it's an obscure fact, but it is indeed A Perfect Circle Month. see, folks, stick with me for all of your latest Illuminati knowledge updates.

NOW, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK FOR ANOTHER WOODED SCENE

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLEASE ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

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TMIT: OPEN YOUR MOUTH...STICK OUT YOUR TONGUE...THAT'S IT...

there are many ways to relieve stress. some take a ten-minute bathroom break to win. others, like me, drink plenty of fluids. whatever combination you use, remember, your sports idols are just people too, they're just trying to get by like you are, the next time your media-contrived images are shattered, reach for some fluids, not the box of beer. i just saw an updated FB pic of a girl i used to know...she was with the new stud blond boyfriend...time for some more fluids in my mouth.

1. describe your or a lover's penis with a movie title: my lover has a penis?

2. describe your or a lover's pussy with a movie title: BACK TO THE FUTURE. y'know the scene where Marty invents the skateboard? see, Marty goes back to the future, becomes a 40-year-old virgin with a skateboard contract who couldn't fulfill the contract when he was young due to his habit of time-traveling all the time, meets a nice quiet woman who loves him for him and not his virgin cock, and the two live off the skateboard money happily ever after. one night Marty mentions to his love that she has a nice pussy...fade to black.

3. describe your last sexual encounter with a song title: SAY IT AIN'T SO...why Weeezer, why u make Dawson sad? why can't i find someone who wants me for me and not my virgin internet memes? memes are funny, but eventually, and i've timed this, the laughter ceases at about the hour mark, then you're stuck without love and real human contact again.

4. describe your body with a song title: YOUR BODY IS A WONDERLAND, when i see that music video, i always imagine that crazy-as-a-mofo John Mayer is singing it to me, i'm that hot girl in bed with him, except, y'know, i'm not gay so i'm John Mayer in my imaginative retelling of the video, except i'm not as crazy as John Mayer, and THAT, my friends, is saying something!!! yeah, so i'm the guy instead of the girl in the video, John Mayer is the hot babe instead of John Mayer, she's singing to me, and i feel warm and fuzzy inside...and confused.

5. describe your sexual appetite with a song, movie, or book title: LET ME DROWN, Soundgarden's awesome song with the coolest drum sequence ever, hear for it next time you listen to it. yeah, i'm insatiable when it comes to sex. the question is: am i a perv, or just a normal male?

bonus: recommend your favorite sexy, sensual or kinky book: i don't read books anymore, they are read for me by my new ipad mini, my ipad mini has become my only and best friend, he's so tiny, his keyboard is so fucking tiny you have to use the very very very tip of your fingertip to push things on it or you push the wrong link, but it's okay, i've made him a microscopic read-red blanket for him to sleep on next to me at night when i plug his little white wire into him and at the other end i plug it into an outlet and he recharges during the night, he makes that little "heep" sound when the process begins, he shows his green levels, so i know he enjoys that. i'm not gonna go with the obvious Madonna SEX book. okay, i am, i mean, look at ol' nakie Madge there with ICE ICE BABY...that's a time-capsule of the good ol' days, huh? Madonna educating us about fucking, and Vanilla dancing with Ninja Turtles.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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BABE OF THE WINTER: MARIA LAROSA...AND HER AZZ

the holidays may be over, but winter isn't. it's fucking cold out here, i have to wear gloves inside, and that makes me look like an idiot, i get very self-conscious, even though there's nobody else here living with me 'cept my new cat. curl up with a Legend of Zelda blanket, wrap it around yourself because you are ashamed to face the world, cover your head, peek through a hole to watch tv, drink homemade hot cider that tastes like socks, and mourn your existence. y'know, certain days are over, certain methods i used for certain situations just aren't cutting it anymore. the days of emptying a large tub of raspberry ice cream whenever Fed lost a giant tennis match are over, i need something stronger now, like cider which tastes like socks dipped in laundry lint. luckily, we cold ones can warm up with a quickness by watching the lovely Maria LaRosa from The Weather Channel warn us of this winter flurry and that winter flurry. oh yeah, they actually started naming winter storms. i mean hurricane names are cool and well-earned, but storms? LE SIGH, maybe, i mean maybe, i suppose i can get used to this, though it just smacks of this world's globally wrong idea of copying every original idea that's good to death and impotency. then again, with names like Athena and that one Harry Potter reference, at least the old toads croaking over at the hurricane center have a sense of pop-culture humor. Maria will heat up even the iciest of hearts with that sublime booty of hers, those luscious breasts, model face, dentist smile, MILF credentials, and her extensive knowledge of weather and weather-related activity. she like a mother wants to care for her viewers, wants to make sure they wear a coat when they go outside in the frosty wind. gaze at her perfectly-coiffed hair, wonder what product she uses and if you can order same product online, and blow a can-see-your-breath-cold kiss to Maria, all of us blow, as she soothes our frenzied and frigid tennis souls:

CLICK HERE FOR A GAM GOURMET

CLICK HERE AS YOU CLUTCH YOUR CLUBS

CLICK HERE FOR A WELCOME SOAKER

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SSS: POPPY

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click above to bury this series in the harsh desert sands.

THEN, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, FOR BLOOD AND NOURISHMENT

Poppy, forgive your son,

you were the kind intellectual,

i am not worthy of your loins,

i turned out the surly atheist

who only doesn't believe 'cause he hasn't found love.

the new cat instinctualized as much, he scratches me with abandon 'cause he has the go-ahead from you and the other angels,

the new pet is the reincarnation of our beloved white Persian who licks and head-motions and twirls into comfort just like the old pet did, everything except licking my nose,

the nose knows, especially with animals,

the new cat takes back his purrs, he offers them sparingly, not before making me see with a bite.

how did my teachers put up with me?, they with jobs and me without a job, two separate beings, two walks of life, two forms, the new cat and the old cat.

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLEASE ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

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TMIT: MEN GO TO WAR OVER TITS THAT HUGE

thanks for all the well-wishes. i got a new cat the very same day after, drove to the local shelter and snatched him up, a handsome tabby. they say the shelter pets will love you in an especially strong sort of way, with him dealing with abandonment issues and such. so far, during the night, i've gotten my face, neck, fingers, hands, ankles, and toes bitten constantly. he is a wild one, a pistol kitten, but i wouldn't want it any other way. i can't tell you how overjoyed i felt having to clean up god-awful-stinking poo from the litter box again, life is reborn. so yeah, i have bags under my eyes, i will never have a full night's sleep again, but i am a bit joyous again, a tiny bit more joy.

complete each sentence with an anecdote of sexual adventure or misadventure. keep the mis, i never do ordinary adventures:

1. the first time i: loved, i cried...except they were crocodile tears, for i didn't really know then what it meant to truly love...still don't, i mean, how do you really know? is it an ineffable feeling in the pit of your rotten stomach? it's not the perfectly-edited Hollywood-script love, it's messy and hard and fucked, and in the end, it's not real...i like cotton candy.

2. the last time i: had some peace and quiet around here was never. come on, man, who are these gardeners with the noisy blowing leaf machines? why are they working right now at this moment when i'm trying to type here? i know, i should be considerate, i wouldn't want to be doing their backbreaking labor, i should be more considerate, everything's on a timetable, everything in its right place...and time...maybe i'll don the hat and join them for some hedge-trimming. one of them just asked me if i'd like to blow...

3. the only time i: actually fucked someone with all of my passion and thought was the landlord, i stiffed him on May's rent 'cause he spent forever fixing the leak in my roof, i had to study for finals in a virtual SeaWorld not of my own choosing. then we made up, he took me out for a pu pu platter, i met his daughter, and the fun really began after tea, then it was time for a poo poo platter.

4. my best: day will always be better than your best day, i'm watching you, just because you're paranoid, don't mean they're not after you...they wear brimmed hats and overcoats, they look like those Fringe dudes, no i am not watching too much television! a treasured voice once advised me about strange forces in the world controlling me, sending me CIA signals from outer space, i had to wear a specially-molded tinfoil hat that was shaped especially for my noggin by one Fox Mulder. that voice told me that nobody else in the world would believe me, it recruited me into Anonymous and taught me of the New World Order. that voice is a voice inside my head, constantly instructing me not to push the red button, it's the voice right next to the voice of my alternate personality of a fragile ballerina dancer and the voice of my alternate personality where i'm a kid who enjoys fudge a little too much. wanna go out with me some time? like to the bumper cars or something?

5. my worst: day are the days when i have to move on, move on against my will, something happens to me, i curse the Heavens, but at the end of the day, it's always just me again, me alone, walking on the beach barefoot, looking at the gold-plated yachts lining the shore, rocking back and forth in a lullaby rhythm. i pace slowly down the beach, an oversize beach ball in one hand, watered-down beach alcohol in a plastic margarita glass in the other...i wonder whom i'm gonna masturbate to tonight?

bonus: everyone, however much experienced, still has some as-yet-unfulfilled desires to tick the box out of? what are yours? two words: CATFISH INAUGURATION

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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I HAVE THE SAME PROBLEM.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, FOR A FUNNYMAN GETTING SERIOUS. YOU CAN IMAGINE HOW THIS INCIDENT INFORMS TIM'S VERY UNIQUE SENSE, HIS EXQUISITE ZANY BRAND, OF DADAIST HUMOR.

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SSS: EULOGY

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click above for #3 of 4

DON'T WAIT, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

my cat, my beloved cat, my beautiful baby, a stroke out of the blue, missed

i loved that pussy more than i will ever love a woman's pussy

and that is why i am still single

fuck this shit, this shit is real

do i exist without?

which meaning-laden word should i type next?

i wish i had superpowers

the entire universe is really located in the palm of my hand

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES. IF YOU WANT TO PLAY, PLEASE ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

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TMIT: UH, YES...I'M FROM CALIFORNIA...I'M NORMAL

HOLLYWOOD! it's so much fun to work in Hollywood! *singing and humming rest of song* oh, yes, my Hollywwod dreams will come true, i won't end up another statistic, mark my words, my writing will make me famous and not another famous statistic. old Hollywood, the glamour, the dames...and, y'know, there's also the porn industry there, too, so...yeah, just in case as a second option.

tons of celebrity sex tapes have been made available to the public, through devious means or otherwise. have you taken a gander at any of these?: Pamela Anderson/Bret Michaels...Paris Hilton and that Solomon kid...Pamela Anderson and Tommy Lee, the grand-daddy of them all, the Rose Bowl Sex Tape...Kim K and Ray J, the one i so desperately wished had a nice cumshot ending...and Kendra Wilkinson and some lucky dude named Frye's Electronics...have i seen these? all of them? that's like asking if a Smurf's butt is blue. it's me, my babies, it's me, the late phoenix, of course i've seen these, i live and breathe for these.

all about sex photography and video:

1. did you ever pose for pictures of a sexual nature, or photograph a lover? IN-N-OUT BURGER, that famous Cali joint, Monday and Wednesday nights, no charge if you come with the ducketts, out in the parking lot, ROW C-3

2. did you keep said pics private amongst yourselves or did you share the pics with the world? share, yes, the world, no...my cat saw them.

3. did any of them ever get out in public with embarrassing results? let's just say that i am a laughingstock in the feline community, they all know where my pimples lie, i can't go out to buy milk anymore, the milk i use to coax them back to my favor, i leave a little pink saucer of milk by my doorstep, those kitties are so cute when they're lapping up the milk with their little tongues like that.

4. were you ever videotaped having sex? once, in college, all of the good and the bad of my life now stems from my college experience, in case you're new to me here.

5. if so, was the tape ever made public? i suspect a black cat.

6. were you ever photographed or taped without your knowledge? no, i'm pathetic, i just want to be seen as a base sexual object by someone, ANYONE!!!

bonus: post a picture of a body part: DOES NIPPLE COUNT? simply go below to any of my SSS posts at my blog here, click on the front image, and stare at my wondrous nipple for eternity.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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FRIDAY FIVE: KNIGHT ON A MARE

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

then, everybody out there, please answer the following questions:

1. what was your favorite part of this episode? why?

2. what was your least favorite part of this presentation here and why?

3. what was to you the most disturbing part of this vid? why?

4. recount in full detail over the course of your life the one nightmare you had that was truly the most disturbing or strange or the one you'll never forget because it was unforgettably surreal or frightening. the wake-up-in-night-sweats-one. shivers.

5. do you find knights in shining armor sexy? how shiny does he have to be? how would you fuck him, armor left on or off? maybe cut a hole in the crotch-area metal and perform a gloryhole-style blowjob? please, enchant me with your medieval tales...

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SSS: PHAIR IS MY JET CITY WOMAN

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click above on the Space Needle for #2 of 4. Seattle, the best place on earth for art and culture, in the past historically, now, and forever more. i wish i was Cobain's bff back in the day there, we would have skateboarded the hell out of the joint. it rains there constantly, which is good for my depression.

special shout-out to my blogger buddy PHAIRHEAD, CLICK HERE FOR HER BLOG, for re-reminding me of this gem of a song. the opening guitar licks in this song are downright delicious, those circles of sound, rings of riff music, ring in my ears like pleasant sugar.

CLICK HERE FOR THE SONG, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, TO HEAR WHAT I MEAN

Trouble over a misunderstood emoticon,

this is what i had to deal with this week

this is the poor paltry life of a blogger

dealing with blog life like we were back in grade school

i should be performing Romeo on the Big Stage now,

not quarreling over whether that's a semicolon or not,

winks can mean different things, too, the interpretation enters a repeating loop of frustration

meanwhile my Juliet, my potential wife, calls out to her Romeo in vain.

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES AND TO PLAY YOURSELF. ADD YOUR ENTRY TO THE LINKY TOOL BELOW:

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TMIT: RABBITS

cool, Hedone used my questions! i love you, H, you're my lover, my one and only lover, it's always only been you :* i came up with these questions while hopping...yeah, hopped up on the good stuff, the carrot stuff.

1. what feels better, the moment right before cumming, the moment of cumming, or the moment right after cumming? before, before, always before, you still have something to look forward to, you still have that pleasurable release of hot sticky cum goo in your future, your future's bright. after the release, it's all downhill from there.

2. for the fellas: it is said that guys will fuck anything that moves. but what if you're a hippie who's in love with the wind, how would that relationship work out? swimmingly. i want you to do something for me, i want you to look up at the sky: see all of those clouds there? how do you think all of those gorgeous white fluffy clouds came to be? i am their mother, i am the hippie mother, the Earth Mother, and their daddy is the Wind, or colloquially, we call him Thor or Zeus, y'know.

3. for the ladies: what would be your first gut reaction after the guy you're on a first date with after months of online chatting looks you right in the eye and whispers to you even before saying hi, "let's fuck like rabbits..."? ladies, i'll be paying special attention to your responses to this, i'm scribbling down copious notes...research...

4. there can only be ONE!!! okay, you have to choose EITHER your dream woman/man/partner/lover or your dream job, one or the other, not both. which do you choose for the rest of your life and why? hard one here, to me life at the end of the day is about the relationships you cultivated, did your life matter to anyone else's life. on your deathbed, nobody gives a fuck whether you got a C on that 7th-grade biology test or what your job was, it's about who you loved, and relatedly who you fucked passionately. it's about my dream woman, my dream woman blogger, i love you, babes, i do, i wuv u :)

5. is love itself, being in love, crazy? or is the world crazy, and love serves to heal a crazy world? or is it that you're crazy and the world is just fine? i guess what i'm asking from you is a little treatise on the general topic of love and craziness. what is love?...baby, don't hurt me, don't hurt me...: for my answer to this philosophical quandary i refer all of you to my priest...and my psychiatrist...who are the same person. hey, i just saw something on adultswim about how clergypeople are on a list of 15 listing the top fields of work where psychopaths tend to be and dwell and work and are bred...just some food for thought the next time you take the Wafer.

bonus: if all of us in the blogging community pooled our resources together and chained our blogs in unison into one big shining electrical power line of humanity, could we save the world? no, but we could get cut-rate internet deals, like it would be super-cheap to go for the super-fast office-level comcast cable internet package.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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BCS CHAMPIONSHIP GAME: ANYONE CAN PLAY

the BCS still sucks, but at least there's a playoff light at the end of the tunnel, huh? yes, 4 teams, hopefully it will be bumped up to 8 teams when all is said and done, but it's progress, molasses progress but progress.

everybody out there, you can play this game, it's fun and easy. the championship college football game between Notre Dame and Alabama is this Monday, simply in the comments section predict what the final score will be. the winner of this blog game is the one who picks the actual winning team on the football field Monday and is closest to the actual score. follow my example in the comments. the winner gets three comments from yours truly, the late phoenix, 3 scintillating comments commenting on your blog, your posts. lucky you.

i hate Alabama, but i'm not sure why, it's an unconscious thing i believe. could it be that Saban constantly wears the stern look of an oily, unctuous, slimy used-car salesman? could be. could it be that Alabama's recent dominance in college football is getting boring? and that championship game last year was the WORST championship game in any sport, any level, of all time?! i mean, what final, besides soccer, is ever a fucking shutout? come on!!! that's part of it. could it be that as a cool Cali kid, there's something inherently creepy to me about all of those old Bama boosters and their southern drawl and good-ol'-boy network and huge-ass mansions with basements which are painted all red with a giant white A on them, basements housing, okay, there are no banjos used for dueling there, but there are Bama shot glasses and house plants painted Bama red and Bama pool tables and Bama taxidermy...don't laugh, i watched that documentary as well as you did. tru tru, it all contributes.

however, the real reason is simply this: it should be USC, it should ALWAYS be USC. folks, there is no more perfect combination of letters and numbers as the following:

1USC

1USC is as it always should be, that is perfect beauty, Southern Cal should always be no. 1. ah, the glory days of Will Ferrell and Snoop and those past titles before all of the crippling Bush sanctions. remember, beauty in 4:

1USC

thing is, USC was the preseason no. 1 this year. to say that the Trojans had a disappointing season is to say, well...something about roadkill...yeah, i don't want to talk about it.

so, i'm bitter, it comes down to me being bitter, but at least i'm honest bitter butter.

my babies, thanks for playing the game, and i'll reconvene with all of you playas on Tuesday for the results...go Irish, win one for Regis!!!!!!

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SSS: RENEWAL

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click above on me (not really me) at Tom Sawyer's white picket fence whitewashing for the first pic in the series, #1 of 4

this is a pic of My Infamous Nipple, which has become more famous than even me, your humble blog author, your late phoenix, through the years. now see, no, i didn't get Smurfed, this is what happens when you leave your reading lamp on as you snap the photo...my body is the surface of the moon, i'm in space, save me, daring astronaut you, come get me so we can kiss and multiply and start a Newt Gingrich moon colony.

they all talk about Renewal

but we have all run out of fuel

the cool kids won't face that life is cruel

they hitch another ride while we Losers have to walk

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK, TO HEAR MY STRUGGLE

CLICK HERE FOR THE RULES...AND TO JOIN ME. COME ON, THIS WON'T BE FUN IF I JUST DO THIS THING BY MY LONESOME, PLAYING WITH YOURSELF GETS BORING AFTER AWHILE, BELIEVE ME, I KNOW, AND YES, I'M TALKING ABOUT ALL INTERPRETATIONS OF PLAYING WITH ONESELF. I WON'T BITE...UNLESS YOU WANT ME TO. I'M BEGGING YOU, I'M ON MY KNEES...YEAH, YOU LIKE ME ON MY KNEES, HUH? PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEASE?

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SSS: SHOW SOME SKIN: THE RULES

THANKS TO KAZI, CLICK HERE FOR HER BLOG, FOR THIS FANTASTICALLY SEXY LOGO!

1. THERE ARE NO RULES!!! okay, not entirely true, but there are very few.

2. every Wednesday, i'll post a new SSS here at this blog. use the linky tool, the Simply Linked, to add your link to your SSS post at your blog.

3. SSS is anything and everything you want it to be, post a pic/photo of yourself showing some skin. this can be anything from a nice photo of the palm of your hand to various degrees of undress to completely nude and raunchy, it's all up to you, no force, just art. also, don't show your face or otherwise give up your real identity unless you really are okay with that. as i always say, this is meant to be a fun game, not a lawsuit.

4. accompanying the photo of yourself each week can be anything, a descriptive caption of said photo, a poem concerning the mysteries of human life, a rant on how badly your week is going, feel free to vent and pout and smile and laugh as you write, or you could just post the photo, or you could type a stream of "fuck"s for ten minutes, you are the ultimate author. myself? i like to add links to music and music videos to my posts, but you don't have to. i also cheat a little bit and take one photo of myself which is used for the entire month, four weeks, four SSS posts, i draw on the one pic each successive time, each new week, until you're left at the end of the month with a really kick-ass pic of myself that has been drawn on as if by Leonardo himself. most of my readers email me and ask what the fuck did i just draw on myself. fuck if i know...hey, that's art, baby!!! interpret it as you will. oh, one thing i do ask is that at the end of your individual SSS post each week, you add a link back to my blog site: http://thelatephoenix.blogspot.com, just so people will know what you are referring to when you talk about SSS, it keeps things in a nice connected circle.

5. remember, and i can't emphasize this enough, i can't stress this enough, there are NO WEEKLY THEMES each week, you don't have to fit your pic into any guide word or anything like that, it's up to you what your theme for the week is, what you want to capture in pic and words.

6. now, the way we bloggers all connect to each other with this meme is, of course, through comments. i know it's a pain, but if the person took the time to participate in SSS and actually post a pic and a poem, the least you can do is take two minutes to scan it, understand the blogger's deep artistic and philosophical mind, what she was trying to get across with her entry, and leave a scintillating comment at her SSS post. folks, it's only five minutes or so out of your Wednesday. see, if we don't comment at each others' blogs, there really becomes no point to this whole enterprise, ya feel me? community strengthens art...i just made up that little pithy truism right now on the spot as i type here: community strengthens art.

7. so, i guess for now that's it for the rules, i'll come back here later if i want to update or amend, but i hate rules as a general rule, that's the only rule i follow, i'm free and easy, i like to let things flow and just happen, i'm a Grammar Hippie, not a Grammar Nazi, and the same goes for my art and your art as well. peace :) and please play, it'll be fun, trust me. oh, if you have any questions about SSS, email me directly, latephoenix@yahoo.com, i'm the only person who knows about it since i am the sole runner of this meme, it's just me, the late phoenix, only me, at your service.

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