Monday, July 23, 2012



1. what size bed? king, queen, full, twin? i am the king with the queen bed. actually, i sleep on cardboard...but it's not what you think, i'm not homeless this time, only environmentally sound. i sleep on a do-it-yourself makeshift cardboard bed, see the pic above, it's a big hit at parties though not so much with the ladies.

2. what mattress construction? conventional springs, air bed, water bed, Tempurpedic type? OMFG, if i have to listen to that same "ASK ME" Tempurpedic commercial one more fucking time, i'll burst like a water bed. for some reason, the shows i watch, this commercial springs (pun intended) up at every break, the only commercial i've seen more is that one with the lady and the dude with spiked golden hair talking about how drawing is their life, they always could draw pretty well but needed more of a structural foundation which was provided by this Art School. man...i mean, some of the Tempurpedic babes are cute, but cute can't eventually erase annoying.

3. what type furniture? just a frame, headboard/footboard, canopy, trundle? check out my canopy bed, top pic up top there. cool, huh? in between fucking the babe of the week, i raise a nest of dodo birds, they're not extinct, i have the last family, i feed them good food and they grant me their eggs so i can have fresh eggs for breakfast every morning. i'm winning in life...

4. if your bed has a headboard/footboard or bedposts, have you ever been tied to them? ever tied anyone to them? for what purpose? i was completely tied up once on a bed, my hands, feet, belt area, torso, neck, everything, preparing for shock therapy. didn't work, i'm still moody. oh, you want a sexy answer? check out PIC 12 from above there. that's what i did last night. i can be sexy when i'm not on a medical bed taking medicine.

5. what kind of sheets? cotton, linen, silk, flannel? you thought i was gonna choose flannel, huh?, cause they look like '90s-era grunge Cobain shirts, but no, gotta go with the silk, only the best for my babe, yeah, i spin the silk myself, i go up to the mountains to do it, up to that mountain range in the harsh, snowy, rugged conditions, uh, yeah, that mountain range, whichever mountains are the most rugged, that's where i travel to, all so my baby can feel nice and comfortable when we're fucking like rabbits and we spill all of the cum and vagina juice on the silk sheets, staining all of the work i have done.

6. what kind of blankets? cotton, wool, thermal, electric? a week ago, i would have chosen electric in honor of My Dinner With Andre, but now, after i read that Snuggie Sutra book, i'm a converted snuggie-sex practitioner, it's the new yoga for the internets age, i know all of the snuggie-sex positions, i especially like the one, see the pic above, where i'm talking on the phone while my babe gives me a blowjob, it's the standard rap-video blowjob position, but the fact that it's now covered in a snuggie makes the trope novel again somehow, ya feel me? plus, cum stains wash out of the snuggie very easily, just rinse with lime juice...

7. what's on top? bedspread, duvet? ME...oh, well, i use a bedspread very similar to Tony from SKINS's naked-person duvet, check out PIC 20. oh, SKINS, how i miss that tv show, that dark show about teens, the UK version, of course, the only one that counts, nothing beats the original.

8. what kind of pillow? down, foam, fiberfill? being the wordplay aficionado that i am, i have to choose fiberfill only 'cause that sounds the dirtiest.

bonus: if ________ comes over, will you let them fuck you on your bed? if the TMITers come over, they can fuck me only on three conditions: they are eco-friendly, they are fans of The Cure, and they appreciate my hard silk work.




AtiyaLuv said...

I really want one of those cardboard bed!! so cool!!!

Great pics Phoenix!!

the first it!


Jack and Jill said...

Suddenly, against every instinct in my body, I want to get a Snuggie.

The second-to-last photo is an accurate depiction of what Jill and I did on our first date.

Take care of those dodos!

KaziG said...

Ask me, baby, ask me, I'm only too happy to Snuggie up with you. Spin me some silk sheets and let's slip-slide away! ;)


~Kazi xxx

Gemma Jones said...

I always love your answers!

I do have an issue with pic 3 though. It is NOT, I repeat NOT cool to fuck in your socks. And if you are going to wear shoes while you are having sex make sure they are hot. Those ones are not.

Gemma Jones said...

I forgot to add. Count me in for the hand spun silk sheet experience. I promise I will try really hard not to spill juice on it.

the late phoenix said...

atiya: i love it when you seduce me en espanol...

jj: i'm an eco, so i have the utmost respect for the dodos.

kazi: the snuggie sex eventually turns into fluffy fucking :)

gemma: noted. i also have the bad habit of wearing white socks with open-toed sandals.

Missed Periods said...

I love being warm at all times, but I don't know if I could rock the Snuggie.

Anonymous said...

This may sound ridiculous but I like that bed in photo #1. I would however remove the bird nest.

Ha! The snuggie sutra is hysterical (and oh so tweet-able)

I thoroughly enjoyed all the photos :) :)

1. I like that you think green.

2. Ask me about my Tempurpedic?

3. LOL…where does this stuff come from. Ah yes, from your brilliantly creative mind.
(I still want to lick your brain)

5. Will you spin me a few silk blouses?

6. snuggie practicioner ~giggle, snort, giggle~

7. I loved SKINS put the first rendition (the first cast).

8. Yeah! I qualify to give you a proper shagging ;-)


P.S. You can be my permanent bedspread, I want you draped all over my body.

the late phoenix said...

missed: well, i've learned that the key to Snuggie Sex is more about the sex than the Snuggie...

H: shagging, i love using that word when i pretend to be a SKINS Brit kid ;). yeah, i was on a messageboard recently discussing SKINS when the two of us talking realized the painful truth and typed as much: this isn't 2006 anymore, is it? it's not that brilliant first cast, especially that hot willowy wispy blonde girl, nobody cares about this show anymore, huh?....legend....

Anonymous said...

Just re-reading this was so fun(ny).