THE FLIP HAS BEEN SWITCHED

my journey into true nihilism begins. last night, while skimming the ol' internet puter box for some theatre pics, i accidentally landed on a pic of a beautiful woman i used to know from college. there she was, silky long blonde hair, in her piratess costume on stage turning around to show the lucky audience her perfect face, livid blue eyes, knowing grin which exposed a slight buck tooth. she was the One, the last girlfriend, the only girlfriend, except she never was my girlfriend. i caught the love of my life in bad timing, motherfucking, satanic, the-fates-are-against-me bad timing. if only we had attended that same acting class when she was between boyfriends, let me tell you, if that were so, i would be blissfully unaware of such damaging terms as BLOG, MESSAGEBOARD, FOLLOWERS, and COMMENTS. the eternal list wouldn't exist, the late phoenix would be dead on arrival, and i would live life without having to blog each excruciating detail through a stupid anonymous online persona. i remember my heart rending the day she told me about her boyfriend, i even met him one time, well i spotted him through the trees, i snuck down out of sight while the two were talking. there he was, just your normal everyday dude with a beard. it's funny, he seemed so lackadaisical about the fact that this gorgeous creature was his, he just joked with her boringly while eating pizza, i wonder if he knew he had MY lifetime happiness in his slippery hands. fuck. y'know, if i had cried last night, it would have been pussy, but it would have been easier...instead, other feelings crawled into my psyche, from deadness to disaffectation to misery to dread to hopelessness to fear. i've come a long way down from the person i was then, i still had glimmers of hope back then, and real human emotion. now i'm really just a zombie, devoid of anything basic that would resemble a human's experience. the last thing i noticed about this pic was cruel, it was taken at some distance, so her face was very small and almost blurred and obscured, that wonderful face which guided me to my first blush of love, that should have been as big as the sun for everyone to see. see, as the years go by, i have forgotten how her face actually looks like, i think i remember all her features, but it isn't really how her face was, y'know? y'know how the mind can play tricks with you like that, huh? that's all i'm left with, the memory of her angelic face, and an internet photo of her small, tiny face.