THE MEANING OF LIFE ON EARTH: ZEN SLAP

 

Priest-Principal: it just came to me!!!

the Priest-Principal is making an important announcement.

Priest-Principal: henceforth Palma High School i decree shall be coed.

me: great. my entire life would have been different if this announcement had been made, oh, some 20 years ago instead. what's with the sudden enlightenment?

Priest-Principal: the whims of time...

Alice: it's called being LIBERATED. shoulda done this in the '70s...

Priest-Principal: i'm really excited about this, the nice girls will wear the same uniform as the guys, that ugly blue plaid checkerboard thing. Notre Dame High School will close down of course, shut, it will all just be called Palma from now on. a blessed blended salad of integrated religious learning.

black Jesus: "diverse" just means "human."

Jonathan Livingston Seagull: love is fun.

Irish lad on Instagram: Shan and i have been together for 30 years. we're both 28 years old. we've been together all 50 years of Instagram's existence. we have no plans to marry, only to be boyfriend and girlfriend...

gambling: it's fun. if you have a beard.

soccer ref: i'm giving a yellow card to the ENTIRE organization of Sunderland, okay?

Arizona: Hell on Earth.

CVS: we're the only place you can get cash now...

Jake Lloyd: yeah i won't be at that Star Wars convention in Phoenix...

Trent Reznor singing "Kinda I Want To" in a purple club in the '80s: what's a boy to do, time for my 4PM poo, I WANT TO!!!

Elisabeth Hasselbeck: i won't return to The View if Jon Hamm's gonna be on!!!

Jon Hamm: what, i was just gonna talk about my college initiative.........inside my old frat house...

1930s: women didn't say titties in the '30s.

Jean Harlow: yes they did.

Hallmark movie: women are not allowed to wear baggy jeans...

Tokyo Revengers: blond: you're a successful, quirky, and different Japanese man. black hair: you've lost everything...

Mr. Kotter: bring back those blouses and hotpants 1970s Iranian women wore!!! open up the colleges again, let's learn about pop culture!!!

Connor Storrie: oh you want me to be a clown again? i just became the Joker...

Meals on Wheels: M on W, men on women, Monday to Wednesday, no weekends, people don't get hungry on weekends, people go to restaurants on weekends... 

Saturday Night Live: the reason we have such large casts is we need to do a lot of office-party sketches...

Premier League: it's surprising how SMALL the goal is...

Reza Aslan: i'm a gray-haired professor who's still handsome. i'm a freethinking Iranian man who teaches at the university. Riverside where Archie and Jughead live and play pranks. i am SWIMMIN' in women.

Iranian student: getting my first-ever copy of a shrink-wrapped 1970s Macmillan science textbook...

Brooke Trantor: am i the only one who still likes Los Angeles?

David Lynch: you, me, and my empty swimming pool, baby.

Jen R: have we decided on a name for our zine?

me: Read.

Jen: i was thinking State of Emergency like the Bjork song.

Bjork: come on, woman, i'm not political, i like to have FUN.

me: i'll email you the new story i write one a week.

Jen: so you're never gonna stop talking to me?

me: we don't have to talk about work. we can talk about the weather, sleeping, what's for dinner...

 

MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: THAT'S THE WAY THE FUZZY GREEN BALL BOUNCES

 

Mary Ann: come on, we always end the practice with a set. you've never been able to take even a game off me when we play a real match of tennis.

me: if i did you wouldn't be much of a coach now would you.

Mary Ann: if you get one POINT off me i'll show you my hamper.

i shank the serve. i still have never hit a slice serve, cleanly at least, but this one somehow dribbles over the net hitting the very SLICED edge of the in-box spinning dead for the point.

Jen R: well; we're here at your hamper, what's the big whoop?

Mary Ann takes a Prince racquet out of her hamper.

me: is that a Prince racquet?

Mary Ann: no it's a princess vibrator...

i'm in Mary Ann's bed with the light-green sheets. with Mary Ann's Egyptian cat Sphinx looking at us from the inside ledge of the bedroom window above, we're going at each other in a perfect volley, our bodies hitting this way then that way. she rides me like the perfect straight line she always teaches to form with the body in order to hit the perfect slice serve...

Mary Ann with a shaky voice: look up to the sun, both meanings. these are your glory days!!! 

Jen: don't cum early like Connors.

me: i'm trying but it's hard, both meanings.

Meryl Streep: cry on my bosom, Marty. there there, i'm here. i'll always be here. i'll be with you forever...

Martin Short: some days all you can do is wear the Three Amigos sombrero and smile through the pain.

Katherine Short: everyone thought i was Kathryn Short from Goosebumps. nobody got to know ME.

Meals on Wheels: we don't do breakfast...

Meals on Wheels: we sleep in. we're latesleepers...

Miralax: an '80s synth band.

E.T.: i stopped Soviet nuclear war vs. the United States. does Matthew Broderick wear a red hoodie?...

Connor Hellebuyck: it was awkward because i'm actually a raging AOC guy...

Collider: we're now a YMCA...

hot guy with one earring: only in the '90s.

Daniel Day-Lewis: the unbearable wetness of bedding.

Amanda Seyfried, Dwight Howard, and Stan Van Gundy on The View.

Amanda Seyfried: so my prosthetic butthole...

Joy Behar: hey did you guys watch Bob's Burgers last night? it was so good. better than the soccer episode!!!

Dwight Howard: my President's long speech...

Joy: you know Bob Belcher looks a lot like you, Stan.

Stan Van Gundy: Dwight Howard farted during my halftime speeches. that's why the Orlando Magic never won anything. 

Amanda: Dwight Howard needs the prosthetic butthole!!!

badminton: tennis on a cloud. your body is AIRY as you play it.

croquet: the balls are striped skateboards!!!

Ralph Bakshi: The Shire was just Smurf Village. Bilbo Baggins was Paul McCartney as a hobbit...

Nina Garbiras: what could have been...

David Duchovny: the hardest character i ever had to play on TV was Jake from Red Shoe Diaries. i had so much inner turmoil from the movie i wanted to EMOTE but the show never gave me enough time with those short intros!!!

Cook's Country ginger: i laugh when people put olive oil in spaghetti, the sauce won't stick to the spaghetti that way!!! these are the types of droll jokes i laugh at at dinner parties.

blonde: do you put ginger in spaghetti?

ginger: no i'm a redheaded woman...

me: run away with me. so i don't get ruined. go on tour with me. as my coach-wife.

Mary Ann: i might as well break your heart in Encino than when we get to China, it'll be too late then.

Jen: there's no letting down easy in tennis, tennis is hardcore.

Mary Ann: i'm a lesbian.

me: but how?

Mary Ann: i'm not a lesbian but i'm a lesbian. if you play professional tennis and are a woman, you're a lesbian, that's just the way it is.

MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: CAN THE SMELL OF PIZZA BE TOO MUCH?

 

dad is having a serious conversation with Mary Ann out back on the court.

Mary Ann: Mr. Me i really think your son has what it takes to go pro. i've seen Andre Agassi change in the Wimbledon dressing room, he's a weeny.

dad: it's just, i think the kid has a lot going for him, you know?

Mary Ann: yeah that's the thing, he'd have to give up college.

dad: not that he was gonna get into Princeton four-years-free because he was my son, Princeton conveniently dropped doing legacy hires after Ryan O'Neal got too big after Love Story...

me: i have no shame, i want a free ride, book or ball.

Sidney Crosby waking up to a glacial hospital bed: our Miracle on Ice was when Canada upset Antarctica...

Boyz n the Hood: but why was the decision made to let the boy live in the hood?

pops: a boy doesn't need to be a man, a boy needs his mother. 

Reva: you cute, Furious. 

Laurence Fishburne: that's the reason i did Ike Turner to your Tina.

Angela Bassett: cafe au lait with moms in my 100-story Downtown L.A. Red Shoe Diaries bank skyscraper...

Gene Rayburn crying frustrated tears: shoulda called Match Game The Loony Bin.

Jen R: okay we're in your kitchen, what's the big whoop?

Mary Ann: notice anything about the food?

Jen: Meals on Wheels paper beige trays: moussaka, bran cream, Fish Veracruz...

Mary Ann: see? you don't have to eat it all.

me: Fish Veracruz is tasty but looks disgusting. i wanna go to Tijuana for a book...

Jen: it's not moussaka unless the eggplant has lamb. got any eggplant sandwiches?

Mary Ann: this is my, uh, roommate.

Gladyce: see what i did with the chip bags in the cupboard? i put a chip clip on the bag even when it's not opened yet. 

Jen: saves time. always put a blue clip on the Cool Ranch Doritos.

Mary Ann: don't eat ALL of this sand-colored ice cream sandwich that's a huge fish. nip at it, nibble at it like a fish.

Jen: red bean paste? how can red beans taste like raspberry jelly?

Andre Agassi: i stole Pete Sampras's koi fish. i was mad that no one was respecting Las Vegas.

Pete Sampras: and then a year later there were fish as one of the slot symbols.

Major Lazer: see what we're doing here at the Olympics? we can do this at the UN, too!!!

Jack Hughes: i'm Billy Corgan with no teeth.

Billy Corgan: and hair as i played "Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness" on my junkyard piano...

Mike Eruzione: yeah i'm that guy from Monsters, Inc....

Ranger Rick in Alaska: Triscuit is short for electric biscuit. Electric Biscuit was a '70s children's show...

SuperBeets: you would not use the word arterial in natural conversation...

Lizzie McGuire: i had the best dad. he was kind, calm, and goofy because his brother sexually asphyxiated himself.

Hallie Todd: silent smirks between us as husband and wife because we knew.

Keith Carradine: not a Carradine Curse. rather, Carradines caring too much...

David Carradine holding a green hourglass bottle of soy sauce at sunrise: the spirit of kung fu heals all mental wounds. if you look, i actually was the best SNL host, i danced like a shinobi on that stage...

Meals on Wheels: imagine an ETERNAL RECESS of half-pints and half-pints and half-pints of green Clover milk that never ends.

Jen R: but you need a milk card. i got a hole punch in my pocket...

luggage carousel at an airport: it's infinity-shaped, think about it...

Tom Hanks: ...

Kelly Osbourne: i don't look like a dead body, i look like my mother. everyone had a crush on me when i was fat!!!

Mike Tyson: Mayweather-Pacquiao rematch in 2026?!!! what the fuck is the point of that?!!! it should be ILLEGAL to box if you're over the age of 35...

the '90s: life was smaller back then, more intimate.

ankh: discovered by Madonna in the '80s...

Salesforce: what if you were a cute woman with THOUSANDS of freckles on your face? agentic? 

freckles: it would have to be an Argentinian woman...

Felix da Housecat: Tom & Jerry in house form.

Jonathan Livingston Seagull: it was tough flying through that X-ray section...

Evans joins us as we make the perilous cross from Mary Ann's shade place with ferns on the outside to the corner-mall Little Caesars for our mid-practice lunch.

a Mazda almost runs us all over.

Mazda: zoom zoom, you motherfucking kids.

Evans: pizza is worth it tho. the pepperoni reminds me of my hair. 

Jen: but no hair in the pizza, right?

Evans: no, The Noid wears bunny ears as his hairnet. the pizza comes like a leg in a cool sleeve. like how i wear long-sleeved plaid grunge shirts on court.

The Noid in a Little Caesars toga and green visor serves us at the counter. 

The Noid: you've come on a lucky day!!! we have Tavern Pizza!!! this pizza will make you think you're in Medieval times.........when the portions were SMALL.

Evans: i'm sorry my good man but we pass. we came here on a mission.

Jen: yeah we gotta honor our tennis teacher.

The Noid: right, Mary Ann Caliento, who vomited all over this counter after eating one bite of our ham pizza.

Evans and Jen: one ham pizza please.

me: do i have to? i can't turn away Medieval food!!!

the three of us eat the WHOLE ham pizza and vomit all over the Little Caesars countertop in tribute to our beloved Mary Ann.

 

MARY ANN'S TENNIS TOWER: THE GREY DUPLEX

 

Mary Ann Caliento is my tennis teacher. she has ragged large-curly dirty-blonde hair that's always wet even when dry, a STUBBY core, fat face with freckles, zigzag tube socks and pink vinyl short shorts out on court.

Mary Ann Caliento: i'm Madonna with her natural club hair. i live in a grey duplex overlooking the Encino Hills. the apartment complex is sprawling, i have to make nice with all the new tenants who move into the building because there's only ONE COURT out back.

Jen R in a green visor and puce shorts: this is a COOL tennis court!!! it's grey like those muni courts at the park. 

me in my Bonobo T-shirt: i feel naked. is this the court?

Mary Ann: i feel bad, being a tennis instructor and all, i take up all the time on this court, i really don't let anybody else have it. i hit my landlord in the head with a whizzing 100mph serve.

Jen: tennis ball or pebble?

Mary Ann: at a woman's 100, it makes no difference...

me wearing jeans on court: bald legs. i feel nervous. i don't want to fuck this up.

Mary Ann feeling nauseous: you have what it takes to turn pro.

me: i'm just in high school.

Mary Ann: about that.........i'm 30. drills consist of running in the park and jogging around this duplex as i watch you from my Juliet window on the second story. hit that Kix cereal box on the other side of the net with this purple tennis ball and glowing racquet.

me: this is too strange for me!!!

Catherine O'Hara: a text is MAGICAL, you've really made contact with the person, you know?...

UK: The Andrew Formerly Known As Prince.

Prince: is Andrew going to that prison you guys have over there that looks like Willy Wonka's candy castle? do prisons have elevators?...

Zalman King: okay check out the Red Shoe Diaries episode i wrote "As She Wishes," i came up with the premise for Lost!!! i really was more of a genius than Hollywood who shunned me gave me credit for.

Gladyce: eventually, all food tastes the same.

Red Shoe Diaries: desperation is a lived-in human emotion.

John Singleton: the sex scene in Boyz n the Hood is realistic, you will be fucking while overhead and through your windows LAPD helicopters flying over your roof are flashing their highbeam floodlights on your bed.

get your Game Day snacks!!! at Safeway!!!.........we're assuming the Olympics are your Game Day?... 

Burger King: now how is a hamburger supposed to be melty?...

Isabeau Levito: i'm just here for the skating gala, the REAL competition. i'm wearing my honey Belle ballroom gown on the ice. gonna get me a nice boyfriend with a yacht. ice soccer, think about it...   

Pando: a Tolkien tree in real life...

Pokemon: we have a monster wearing a hockey mask on ice skates, right?

Mike Eruzione: The Miracle on Ice, brought to you by Pokemon!!!

bike polo: it's cool because there's no goalie...

Washed Out: i get it, the grey-green muni Manhattan court. but the bike polo championship match should be played in Portland...

Freud: i'm more of a Jung person.

Jung: and i'm more of a hung person...

Eileen Gu: time to hate me more because on the cover of Hong Kong Vogue i look like Audrey Hepburn...

Sarah Schleper: schlepper, i should have been a cross-country skier.

Alysa Liu: Dorothy Hamill bob my ass. i'm a real one. I'm a real person who has a job stocking shelves when i'm not skating. i'm from Oaktown, man, my hair is a tapioca-mocha parfait pudding cup.

Johannesburg: The Olympics in Africa!!! it could work. put the swimming and track in District 9...

Blake Griffin: i'm not down with NBA "experts."

Stephen A. Smith: ...

Blake: but i like you. because you're a good actor. i learn from you how to do my Red Lobster commercials, act like you're having a head seizure...

LeBron James: is it weird to eat chocolate chip cookies with wine?

Caitlin Clark: no weirder than pizza with wine. i've never had cheese...

Michael Weiss: the Lord will provide us with the next meme...

we have a lesson-mate who lines up with us, a ginger boy with biceps in his tennis shoes and a Morrissey emo curl in his hair called Evans. Evans is only interested in making me do weird wrestling moves.

Jen R: it's not PRO wrestling, dude!!!

Evans: hey look do this: roll your fist into a ball, shoot up to the sky then down to the ground, the Tarzan March, like you're working a stairmaster in La Canada. that's the signature entrance of The Monkey Wrench Boys, i watch WWF on Saturday mornings as i swallow pickles for breakfast.

me: Evans, you are frightening me. being near the hot breath of your face is making me break out in hives. 

Jen: his skin is rashy.

me: i wanna go up to your apartment after practice. 

Jen: don't worry, he doesn't sweat when he plays tennis, he won't need a shower. 

Evans: he's not a hard worker.

Mary Ann: okay but not to my bedroom, only to my Pee-wee's Playhouse black-and-white-racing-flag kitchen countertop for milk and cookies. some peanut-butter-and-mustard sandwiches to fatten your legs. there are things in my hamper i don't want boys seeing.