ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT: SERMON

 

Jen R: whatcha got there? coins?

me: divination coins.

Jen: you know those won't work on me. i'm a philatelist not a numismatist.

Something Wild: you know in the '80s when those motel roms would have a GIANT window pane looking out onto the parking lot? your bed was lit up in neon light. it's like you were a mannequin on display at a department store...

Ack Ack in One Crazy Summer: i didn't become a serial killer, i was just the weird '80s friend in a buddy movie.

Texas Monthly: we still have a liberal MAD-Magazine bent to the craziness in Texas...

Sunday afternoon on TV: there was nothing to do. the Roanoke people became Croatoan Indians, a group of Indians never heard from again. David Cross but fatter and an Englishman. soccer on ABC?...

Kurt Cobain: do i like Chobani yogurt? you betta ask my friend Dave Grohl that.

Dave Grohl: no porn questions please.

me: i mean what am I gonna do?

Jen: you could become a dinner-theatre wizard.

me: but i didn't go to MPC.

Jen: picture it now: you're a dinner-theatre wizard, performing your smoke show on the backroad stages of a DEEP dark faraway suburb of Los Angeles. only at night, one show at 9PM. as the patrons eat their rubber-steak meal on small circular wooden tables, a dripping Pinocchio candle in a silver cream-pourer of wax at each table, there are mirrors everywhere on stage, full-length body mirrors sharing the stage with you.

me: i get my deep-purple wizard robe with stars on it caught on a floor-length mirror.

Jen: that's your mark!!!

Tovala babe: i orgasm only after eating Tovala steak and potatoes in a tin tray. my eyes roll into the back of my head and i forget my name...

it's 7:30AM and your bedroom light is on: an uneasy glow.

Jeff Buckley: i'm playing hard guitar n Heaven.

Beakman: i only pee in the drain now. you know? i haven't used a toilet in years.

Matt from Safeway: my job is to make you uncomfortable. i comment on EACH of your items on my conveyor belt. the 24-box of waffles? fried egg on mine, thank you, no giant pat of butter for this middle-aged paunch. i've had salt-and-pepper hair since the '70s when it was 10. i'm the weird one but i make you feel like YOU'RE the weird one...

Lis Smith: mini-mart mustard packets just taste better.

Danielle Collins: do you realize i'm the greatest college tennis player of all time? 

Sandy McLeod: and i'm playing Danielle Collins in the movie. i got the Danielle Collins pouty LIPS!!!

unmarked white envelope: like an unmarked white van...

lemongrass: the grass you eat, not smoke.

He-Man/She-Ra: we run like we have weights attached to our feet...

Gordon Ramsay: you like when i say "madam" sarcastically?

Less Than Zero: Jami Gertz and Andrew McCarthy are kissing in a car stopped in the MIDDLE of the road as a fleet of Hell's Angels motorcycle on either side. that's a new one, that was atmospheric.

Robert Downey Jr. hiding his whole self in his longcoat on a seacliff: shutting out the whole world. mood in Big Sur.

Trinity the cat: why are there cashew slices in my dark-grey kitty litter?

Shadow Weaver: i'm the one who sings that "Dreamcatcher" song in Connect With English...

Ghoulies: when a woman leaves the egg SHELLS in the frying pan she's stirring the eggs in, you KNOW she's mad.

Tibetan: rub your finger on the rim of my bowl to make me vibrate.........it's not dirty.

Hikaru from Macross: Do You Remember Love?: i wear a skull-and-crossbones patch on my uniform because i'm a space pirate predicting my own death. pirates were very good with the memento mori stuff, lots of bones everywhere.

Greta Garbo in Camille: it's so beautiful. monsieur. you were so in love you let the coffee spill over.

Hikaru: that was hot.

Greta: i don't need no man to help me with the hard words!!! i can write my own poison-pen letter!!! oh god this movie is so unbearably cruel you'll cry real tears like i did in that one scene, you won't be able to finish this film!!! alternate title: Camille Has Consumption.

Shirley Manson in Garbage: i'm the fallen star that you cannot live without...

Dolly Parton: i lived life the right way. i left this world better than when i came into it. i taught kids to read, what'd you do? why do the good die young?!!! i loved all and i mean ALL people. yes, i'm Whitney Houston. i was NICE, which is impossible in this world. don't look at my butt. i was the first earth mother you ever knew. i forgive you, Ricky Gervais.

Jen R: why do you always look so gloomy?

me: look at my hair, i look like Tito Jackson.

Jen: but he was the COOL Jackson!!! come on, my birthday's coming up on Sept 5, we gotta fete in honor of our beloved Randolph Mantooth.

me: where we go?

Jen: the John Lennon memorial in Central Park. i'm gonna go shirtless and bring my bongo drums.   

ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT: FLYING, MANEUVERING JUST RIGHT

 

Solveig Dommartin: i am a BEAUTIFUL woman. i'm just about the most beautiful woman you're liable to come across in a lifetime.  but what's more beautiful is my final monologue i say to the ex-angel Bruno Ganz in Wings of Desire.

Wim Wenders: you are solving my muse problem. you are my sun. you can be in my movie.

Solveig: i'm not one of those women that needs to fall in love and be dominated by a man. i trapeze ALONE. a trapeze artist flies higher than an angel. as long as my friend Butch Vig's band is in it. i watched Martin BEFORE it went to UPN...

Wim: your eyes hypnotize me in black-and-white!!!

Solveig: my eyes are that green that's mined from Oz. you are MY MAN. you will NEED me. i saw you in a dream. the entire city of Berlin in this bar conspired to bring us together. 

Anthony Bourdain dancing awkwardly in an African gold chain from his nose to his nipple to warmed-over techno: do you believe in love?...

Wim: so i won't be the dom in bed? that's good, i got my friend Carrie Fisher's brass slavegirl armor in my garage.

Solveig: you'll be the vinegar in bed. your name sounds like a window. a window i won't jump from. for you see i played it just right, i maneuvered it so i'd be your ingenue at just the right moment in time. i was fresh-faced in need of my first movie, you had a few hits as a director but not that BREAKTHROUGH as an auteur.

Wim: and it's been happily ever after ever since. you traveled the world with me you lucky girl.

Solveig: what's a career when you have love?

Wim: were you ever the submissive?

Solveig: only when i was on the trapeze. to the stick. i was at the whim of gravity...

Gene Rayburn: why does everyone hold their card UPSIDE DOWN? that bothers me at night.

grandma: i'm wearing my going-out top to go out on top.

Melissa Maker: in a party top at the funeral...

Chelsea Football Club: our logo? we're still the only volleyball club in Britain...

Melissa Maker: 2 days? i didn't post anything on Instagram for 2 days? that means it wasn't just sex this weekend, there was cum on my tits. cum on the works of spiritual clay that are my tits this weekend...

Sandy McLeod: i'm playing Ms. Krause in the new CBS sitcom pilot this Fall. Krause's Kids or Krause is Krabby or Krause is Knuts or But Soft, Krause. i got those Ms. Krause LIPS!!! pouting with a scowl at my desk as i bemoan why my students call King Arthur's father Mr. Pendragon. it's Mr. Uther-Pendragon!!! future episodes will explore my past as a Shakespearean stage actress in a traveling theatre troupe caravanning from community college to community college performing on their empty stages. that gauzy opening scene of a classroom...

  

Billy Corgan and D'arcy in their Columbo coats search for clues to solve a murder in a local mountain town by going to the local morgue where they meet Peter Falk. then to the local coffee shop where they meet Peter Falk. 

Peter Falk: this has become my coffice.

the music in the background is not that spacey Twin Peaks score but rather "By Starlight..."

Rolling Stone review of Sam Smith's latest record: this boy wants dick!!!

Sam Smith: come on, bruv, at least talk about my hazel eyes.

Helena Humphrey: in these fraught times, should i really be driving a Formula 1 car on the slim streets of Washington, D.C.? it's not like Bill Clinton is President and life is boring...

road movie: has to have a scene where a local band plays a live show on a Saturday night at a local bar. the local band is the Talking Heads...

young Ray Liotta in Something Wild: i am the scariest actor we have. i'm a handsome man which makes me alluring to you. my eyes are wild and strange. my laugh is unnatural.

Bret Easton Ellis: there has been SO much written about me in Vanity Fair. all speculative fiction. the other Rat Pack were assholes. they didn't let me in their little club. i'm the only one with the stones to write about the sociopathy of the rich. the microfights between long friends. my male characters are named Blane. i invented "when'd you get back?"...

Zlatan: Zlatan is not wearing the bra. you want Zlatan's stats? you want Zlatan not to have a cramped calf? invisible laser in Zlatan's brain will get you the information.

Don & Connie's: we're the only mini-mart that has our arcade cabinets of Defender and Galaga OUTSIDE.

the Tin Man: i was the first NYC street mime on Columbus Circle...

stained glass: it's either a church or Medieval Times.

Michael Weiss: Instagram is the Law of Eternal Recurrence.

Nietzsche: yeah it's just reels of the same person saying the same thing...

Erling Haaland: i cut my hair. no wonder we're losing, i cut off my Viking locks!!! i shaved my head like Kurt Cobain. all my power comes from my hair. Norway has no monks, the monasteries get too cold. when i do a header now, it feels weird...

Talia the cat: yeah get the unscented kitty litter, no harsh chemicals or dyes. look at me, my fur is perfect, my fur is precious, i don't need to dye it a Jem color to stand out. i don't need to be a punk cat.

Trinity the cat: it's not THAT lightweight, don't hold it with your pinkie finger, you're gonna break your pinkie finger!!!

Talia: just clay in the kitty litter for artistic texture.

Bjork: the unscented kitty litter still has that trace smell of bubblegum...

Wim Wenders: why does a kitchen trashcan have those ridges inside of it? they will just tear a hole in the trashbag!!! toss the light kitty-litter carton up in the air, FLIP it upside-down to put in the save bin like a circus performer...

Wim Wenders: taken from us too soon. ironically YOU were the one who had to become an angel. you were too beautiful to remain human.

Solveig Dommartin: i can now be alone in the world, with you. 

A CRACK IN THE ABSURD: BRAINY SMURF IS YOUR DORMMATE

Brainy Smurf and i walk under the hallowed green-pumice gates of Berkeley onto the cobblestone campus. we're both nervous.

me: do you know how hard it is to come back to school after 20 years away just to complete a couple classes to get that last half-semester to graduate?

Brainy Smurf: that's nothing, my whole reputation precedes me!!! if i'm not smart HERE i'm not smart anywhere!!! i can't go back to Smurf Village with my nubby tail between my buttcheeks.

me: it's just like high school. who do you have for Organic Chemistry?

Brainy: Vic Tayback.

me: oh yeah i remember him. the baldie with the havanas.

Brainy: when you're in Office Hours with him the entire hour that small room is FILLED with cigar smoke.

me: that's so you can only see his beady eyes, not his bald head. 

Brainy: hey that's MY cartoon thing!!!

Brainy: what's the organic chemistry of smoke?

me: smoke is magic. ask a dark wizard.

Brainy: i want to make Papa Smurf proud. Papa came to Berkeley when he had brown hair. his only desire on campus was to make the green gates blue pumice. but he got involved with a hippie chick who REALLY wanted to be a mother, an EARTH mother, they had 100 children, Papa birthed Smurf Village instead.

me: you'll ace Organic Chemistry once you fuck your soulmate.

Brainy: speaking of, i had a date with Smurfette at Robert Reich's coffee klatch. she said i was sweating profusely. i wasn't nervous over some dumb girl, i was nervous over hard education!!! Smurfette said she wouldn't see me again unless i changed my name to Sweaty Smurf.

Freddy Krueger: A Nightmare on Elm Street is the perfect Halloween movie, look at my face, i look like a scarecrow...

The All-American Rejects: when you think of our music, you think of Hayden Panettiere. let us pray.

peanut butter smoothie: don't drink this. peanut butter was never meant to be DRUNK.

Chad Reynolds, new Prime Minister of Canada: gotta give us back our hockey sticks. we invented ice hockey.

Trump: China invented hockey...

Chad: and our tongue depressors. we do NOT trust your doctor. is that a tan or a bullet wound?

Trump: the world is counting down the days when i become a lame duck...

Chad: we need the hockey sticks, we're doing a Flash Forward reboot...

Eckhart Tolle: they call me a teacher. that's it, just a teacher. isn't that cool?

Radiohead: fake plastic trees.

Rush: gotta get back to real trees. real trees are spooky in a forest at night.

Freddie Mercury: Shudder to Think, the first band since Queen with a gay-man lead singer who stopped giving a fuck.

Craig Wedren: not gay but thanks for caring, sir. we both had theatrical voices.

Freddie: circus voices. you guys were Nirvana but a bit OFF.

Craig: we were just trying to be the Queensryche of the East.

Egon from the Ghostbusters: i eerily have an Egon Schiele face...

MD: a doctor in Maryland.

Jen R: ...

Wings of Desire: even an angel calls him an idiot cop!!!

Entertainment Tonight: we are in the business of moving on...

Pac-Man in Variety (1983): really disheartening to enter a porn theater and hear the arcade Pac-Man sounds...

The Weather Channel: we can't hide it any longer, we are a Republican channel...

Shudder to Think: we're if the show Lexx was a band...

Vertical Horizon: we're Shudder to Think without the makeup.

Medieval times: you either wore a gown, a tunic, or a robe if you were a wizard or monk.

Medieval women: we withered while wearing a nightdress...

Erin Hershey Presley: yeah i did Real World: Seattle. i sprungboard off that and landed Port Charles...

'70s motels: converted cinder-block prisons...

it's been a long first day and i'm tired. i walk out the gates with Gargamel.

me: i saw you eating a blue sandwich. please tell me that was a moldy turkey sandwich.

Gargamel: that was lunch.........it was a blueberry sandwich...

me: you ate Brainy Smurf.

Gargamel puts his robed arm on my backpacked shoulder.

Gargamel: if it makes you feel any better, you now get an automatic 4.0... 

 

A CRACK IN THE ABSURD: SPAGHETTI SONG/VAPORWAVE HUMIDIFIER

 

me: i've been invited to a wedding. i don't think i'm going.

Jen R: who's getting hitched?

me: you know, THAT friend. that's mutual between us?

Jen: wow, i never thought anyone would take a chance on him. makes sense, we're both happy for both men. you have to go.

me: i haven't been to ANY event in like 30 years. you think i own a pink tux?

Jen: just go in a T-shirt and jeans. wear your prom corsage in case they run out of flowers.

me: i'm gonna call and cancel. i'll tell him i don't go to places. i don't go to things.

Jen: come on, it won't be that bad. i'll go with you. i'll hide in the water fountain.

at the reception, Dave Mirra wearing a skate shirt in the Sprite green-and-blue colors and yellow BMX shorts takes out his acoustic guitar and starts singing "On Top of Spaghetti."

when he gets to the sneezing the meatball off the plate part Jen and i can't hold it in any longer and we start bustin' laughing our heads off.

Sabrina Pasterski: i'm gonna finally figure out the meaning of life. my two best friends are Sabrina Curzi and Summer Sanders. i'm not the female Einstein, i'm one-upping Einstein here!!! yes i like pastrami sandwiches. i want only Anya Taylor-Joy to play me in the movie...

Glaceau Smartwater: those futuristic silver tall bottles are cool, they're finally making stuff that's Jetsons, that's the Radiohead "Fake Plastic Trees" music video...

David Amell: i was like married to Jennifer Aniston for a while after Brad or something?...

Puck from Real World: i don't need Car Week to be a man, i'm a modern mailman, it's in the name.

Eckhart Tolle: see? i was RIGHT about how reality REALLY is!!! it's all New Age. the toll it took on my family tho...

Gene Rayburn provides the entertainment for the halftime show of the church ceremony.

Gene Rayburn: why are you taking 15 minutes to write an answer, Charles?

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'm writing my Broadway debut.........don't worry, i have an answer for your BLANK.

Gene: DO IT THEN!!! THIS IS SCHOOL!!!

Gene: we provide TWO black marker pens so there's no excuse...

Brett Somers: that Phil the Pill, that guy is a ginger prevert kissing all the women on the panel like that. i don't trust his Beavis hair. he has a crush on me which makes me worried for me, not him. he's the first contestant to kiss the OTHER contestant after winning Match Game!!!

Jen R: i took some of that dentist novocaine and i was Bjork's husband on her island for 30 years. i was out for 30 minutes.

Bjork: i'm your dentist. does your mouth taste like bubblegum?...

Nickelodeon live-action shows in the '90s: earthy.

Disney live-action shows in the '90s: gritty.

both channels: let's finally explore 8th Grade...

Michael Weiss: i just wanna talk to MY PEOPLE. okay? not my family, not my coworkers, just MY PEOPLE.

at The Big Spin with Geoff Edwards.

me: i have cum in my ear.

Liza: no, that's just suntan lotion. weird compliment.

Studmuffin: but i'm a gay man...

Brooke Trantor: ...

rose wine: it's not pink lemonade...

Flash Forward: Disney Degrassi.

Ms. Krause: the school play in 8th Grade is ALWAYS Excalibur...

Monterey Peninsula College: you too can be a dinner-theatre wizard for a living...

Jen R: did you spring for a wedding gift?

me: hell no, i don't have that kind of money. in summer.

Jen: let's go to Best Buy, i have the perfect gift with your name on it.

we get to Best Buy and Jen hugs the blue cardboard box of a humidifier.

Jen: not ANY humidifier, a Vaporwave humidifier. its pipe shoots out actual vapors that go into your nostrils instead of filling up the ceiling in a thin layer. those vapors create sounds in your brain, beat patterns that can only be made electronically...

me: i need one for ME, not THEM!!!

Jen: okay fine. 

me: you're the best.

Jen: i'm like Best Buy.