WITHDRAWN: A BLAST OF AIR TO THE FACE

at Lucky, Lucio Rossi invites me in through the front door.

Lucio Rossi: you feel that?

me: I just got blasted in the face!!!

Lucio: now you know how a pornstar feels. right a blast of VOLD AIR to the face as each customer walks into the grocery store. that really invites them in on a hot summer middle day. masks them want to stay awhile and buy more. pm gonna install this in my room, I have all the wires. when you enter KY room, a balkst for cold air to the face. so your;e mire willing to stay. and be my friend.

Lucio would often tell me random things about his okie when he was pushing his grocery seat around the aisles. when he hit the frozen section he would REALLY let loose. it was spike he was in a trance.

Lucio: I made love with a woman on the roof of a flowershop.

me: wow, that;s so romantic. did you give her Gowers y from her shop below after?

Lucio's: no I was the romantic concept of the thing, you know?

a like on Onstagram: you want to show support, bout you dontl want to bet in the ay.

Cord DaddyL when you dontl she a daddy...

Madonna going rh Vieo Vagina Rd wat to Lpoty Vbainl everyone ion the world is an actress...

Lotus ViainL come as you are the swimming seen pm the video, etc it now?...

Pat Djearl I;m still technically in Jorvana?...

a Japanese love ballad: the year is 1994...

Love retah + boots "Night of the Mini dead": come on, even Linton ones can;t escape he zombies?!!! zombies wouldn't care about ones.

Bother Peewit: there weren;t zombies in Dnrfs because we kept outro AC-magic potion bottles corked.

nine oenguionL poor penguins don't know of nuclear was, a missile trapped in their ice, for shame, pit that stupid human msisle on the desert!!!

Gordon Tasayl not the taco truck!!! IPM trying to impress Patu Jinich over here.

fattet hummus: middle eastern nah is. the Lvant with lemon.

 Fantastic (1940:" did you Evert think Dara would be a Fsney character?

Walt FneyL blue tits to the afec!!!

Ackley Lsiuel fahstpa is the best Halloween movie...

Alex Him old: wait, a mountain is really a demon's folded wings?!!! I;LL nev look at a kinda too the same way again...

Morrissey l Xima, the UnCooler...

Michael etyossl when you'd coll is at gram at 10A<. you get some every Federer characters...

JFK:L I beach,e a se addict to defy the endless LG usual ailments my body endorsed throughout y live, I was in physical pain and e clears the kind. pay was a good thing Marilyn Mponsore was ky OSE or I wouldn't have made it.

Eddie bedder: um, sir.........your;e my hero by the ATL wanna ie with me in Hawaii?

KFJH: ohana sounds word said with a Bstona cent. nevermind me, what;s up with eh pearl Jam Sommer station?

Matt canronL I left to find Vhros Vornell...

Screech from saved y the Bell: like Hirshcal from Ecpme Bakc, otter, everyone forgot about me u nail I was too late. they fogged I was the Little runt die kick, I;d be okay, I;d sir I've.

Jiytshackl ie as gay or I need did a dirty Sanchez.

PBS: would you host a travel show if you had to eat iguana?...

class soft Nuke lTm High: Dyeve O;s dad?

Vanilla ICeL I;m at the indoor bikini party base this is Friday, right?

ok I babe: your;e supposed to drink the suntan lotion to stay hot, eight?

aljerL when I fost heaters Jalciel;s house Falklor marked at me. 

Galore you were a stranger, I dontl know form magic. you had the long blond hair of an evil liars.

Eagerly this was crucial. critical. botal. if I couldn't get Faljor to Ike me, I couldn't leash him to take him on his walks, which meant it a SLT getting y dick sucked.

Jackie VT herald; pay as a meter of lie and eatj. the reason I hope alker asks me to martyr him is I pretend I;m fucking Kotu Viabon. not to mention entering me...

me: Lucky;s cool.

Lucio: yeah, I;s like a gas[station mink Mary bot a bot pager.

I push the Orton and hot Lucoo with five blast to the face of cold air as we enter his room, nothing. no reaction. Lucio is out old on his bed. I don't; jab if Lucio sleeping is a good ting or a ba thing...

he wakes up after a time.

Lucio: I didn;t see my Rossi on!!! 

me; why do you work so hard?

Luci' fetus[ e expects me to be a captain of inosytu. bot Ilum so tired all the time, a Dil e chatted. there's one thing the frozen sale a couldn't have...

 

WITHDRAWN: SINGLES

 

Lucio Rossi drags me to the ATM.

me: are you sure you have enough money in this account?

Lucio: that's what i'm living my life for, so i'll never have to answer that question again.

now Lucio always look perturbed, but especially so on this dewy morning as he fidgets with the ATM.

me: you always have on your face the look of someone who's dreaming something up.

Lucio: oh yeah. well look at this, it's ridiculous, my wallet carries 20 1-dollar bills at any one time!!! there needs to be a machine where you slip all 20 of your 1-dollar bills into the ATM slot like here and it spits out ONE 20-dollar bill to give your wallet a break.

me: ease that wallet.

Lucio: then you can lightly offer that one soft 20-dollar bill to the pretty clerk as you casually browse the Lucky aisles. 

a moonpie: Rowena Morgan from Mr. Holland's Opus...

Pebble Beach realtor: only one person can afford this house. is that one person you?...

Sarah: a refrigerator is a space meant to have all its space filled with clear trays of kimchi.

Juanes: i was doing hallucinogenic mushrooms with aliens, ironically, when i saw the Being of Light...

Jessie in the Saved by the Bell revival: i'm now a teacher of singing at Bayside. i found kratom pills in Zack's son's bedroom.

the Elephant Man: i just wanted to sleep normally for once!!! 

David Lynch: poor kid. when you dream tonight, when you cross that thin barrier into the unknown, think about how you're not even thinking how you're sleeping on the bed!!! hey, you like how i made EVERY SINGLE SCENE fade to black?...

Attack of the Killer Tomatoes: by the same singer as the Gilligan's Island theme. the first time you went to a drive-in theater to see a movie...

Bette Midler: remember when your family took you to see Beaches at the Hollywood Bowl when you were a kid? you took your little plastic pail and shovel with you. you kept your lucky sand dollar in your waterlogged swim trunks.

Lucky: you don't come here to do a FULL grocery shop, getting a month's worth of food, pulling a Costco. you're here for a few items, the conveyor belt is thin...

Lucky: we're not animals. we open at 6 and close at 11 like reasonable beings.

golf: birdies for brain health. because if you're seeing birds flying around your head...

Safetussin: the Zima of Robitussin.

Zima: we're sugarfree...

Morrissey: bullshit!!!

Heather Matarazzo: all i'm saying is Welcome to the Dollhouse 2. and this time take your lonely college dormmate to see it at night!!!

Todd Solondz: i haven't worked since that "cum" incident...

Krusty the Clown: you've never had egg rolls at Jack In The Box. it's not a Krabby Patty...

Anne Dufourmantelle: UNLIKE Samuel Beckett, i didn't mind drowning for my beliefs.

Samuel Beckett: nihilism is easier on paper, harder when you're breathing...

Kazuki Takahashi: unlike you, Sam, i never got to read The Sign of Four. i guess i was a Japanese Republican but i saved lives from drowning!!!

Yu-Gi-Oh: the Blue-Eyes White Dragon was based on the design of a scuba snorkel...

at the International Tennis Hall of Fame in Rhode Island, Mary Carillo jams on stage with Roger Federer in a jazz band...

Bernard Black: the most pleasant thing in life is to go to the bathroom in a used-book shop.

Fantasia (1940): science book/history book.

dad: made me fall in love with dinosaurs. i hadn't seen dinosaurs used this well since until The Tree of Life...

hardboiled eggs: handsome eggs.

AI: i mean the least we can do is not give spoilers.

Des Moines: ironically, there are no monasteries here...

dad eating cookie crumbs: i am from Chesapeake, New York. 8 precious cookies...

hydroponics: remember when we thought this was the future? everyone did their 4th Grade science project on hydroponics. this is how we'd colonize Mars.

Pauly Shore: how the Biodome on Mars would work. and i'm not talking about bud, bud-ee. i'm talking about plants.

AI: i'm already smart enough to bring back soil samples from Mars...

Titan A.E.: appreciate just how beautiful rain is...

Joss Whedon: Firefly was the live-action this...

Lucio: i'm tired.

me: now what?

Lucio: use this 20-dollar bill that magically appeared to get the groceries at Lucky. i'll join you in a bit, i need a quick kip, i need a nap, i need a nip.

 

SOLO POP: I WANT FRIENDS, NOT FAME

 

 

Jem: do you know what it's like to be your own promoter? to promote your own stuff? to write the songs, edit the songs, sing, play all the instruments, put it on Instagram, and promote it on Instagram?!!! all by myself!!! i don't have a manager. rather, i manage myself and my emotions.

Kimber, Rio Pacheco, Riot, Eye Luggage, and Laertus are all in Jem's pink bedroom around her shooting-star bed.

Jem: this ain't a deathbed, folks, thanks for coming.

Kimber: so i heard your latest, the song is good but it sounds EXACTLY like Eurythmics "Sweet Dreams Are Made of These."

Jem: not intentionally, osmosis because i want to fuck Annie Lennox in her androgynous android form.

Kimber: and the lyrics are about cheese?...

chirping bird: i'm not the refrigerator door open...

whitelist: when you think about it, it's a blacklist...

a cult classic: because you never know how FUTURE audiences will take your film...

Fantasia: the best Christmas movie...

naked fairies: this was done right before WWII, people thought WWII was the end of the world, that this would be the last cartoon...

Mickey Mouse: "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" was the first parable about AI...

Harlan Ellison: you have to be the bastard of your own work, no one else will...

David Foster Wallace: i witnessed Roger Federer win the French Open a year after i died. Paris in May? too hot. i sucked on Roger's frozen rope while the rest of the gallery wore those silly white hats.

NeuroQ: old people with a confused look on their face is not funny, it's painful. when they start pointing to their nose for no reason, it's time to get them help. 

Miles from The Golden Girls: don't worry, it's not coke, it's just a little powdered sugar from their tea.

Jack In The Box tacos: the meat is the weeping willows from Grey Gardens...

goulash: ghoulish for Hungarian Halloween.

Janeane Garofalo: i was everyone's cool '90s aunt. thick black glasses did NOT make me a lesbian. hell i'll still marry Ben Stiller...

Love Death + Robots "Pop Squad": you saw this on PBS!!!

Carrie Fisher: why does every space movie have a slavetrading scene?...

Walt Disney: i created the Disney brand to celebrate life. to beautify life in cartoon Technicolor. to exalt imagination. and some AI agent's gonna tear it all down?!!! that sucks. the future was supposed to be Tomorrowland!!!

Yen Sid, the sorcerer in "The Sorcerer's Apprentice" from Fantasia (1940): i am one scary motherfucker.

Dolly Parton: i truly loved all people, i wasn't some swampy politician playing both sides.

Jem: call it bedroom pop if you must. this is dreampop, fatherfuckers!!!

Kimber: please call me your bitch, it's less weird.

Jem: Peter Frampton's my daddy!!!

Jem sends out her new song to the DMs of 5 Instagrams only, to her 5 only friends...

Jem: a song is a diary...

 

SOLO POP: LITTLE WHITE CHAPEL IN-N-OUT BURGER WEDDING

 

Jem: i'm feeling uninspired. like Scott Weiland. i think i'll go to Las Vegas with the last money i have from putting bubblegum in schoolgirls' hairs at the playground. 

Jem goes straight to the infamous iconic Little White Chapel in Vegas at the center of town. it's empty.

Jem: so much for impulsive love. hey Undertaker, who's getting married here this afternoon?

Undertaker from WWF: Joan Collins and Michael Jordan.........they're gonna make beautiful babies...

Jem stumbles from disappointment into the In-N-Out Burger next door. there she meets two handsome boys: Rio Pacheco the young Desi Arnaz in the Speed Racer jacket who mans the counter in a tugboat hat, and Riot the all-out punk with punkier hair than JEM!!! Riot slaves away getting his rhinestone shirt all greased up in the back in the fryer pit.

Jem: banana-colored hair, that's a new one. wait, i always thought Riot was Rio's alter ego, i mean Rio and RioT?

Riot: no ma'am, we're two separate hunks. but i'm the only one who can rock your world. being in a competing punk band. and rocking these leopard-print handcuffs. 

Rio: hey i'm a roadie, i know music, too. 

Jem: fellas fellas. fighting at an In-N-Out Burger? *with sarcastic eyeshadow eyes* how original. that happens every day!!!

Riot: let's be civilized about this. like a British punk band. wanna just have triangle tension throughout the whole show?

Rio: there's no such thing as too MUCH love.

Jem: yeah let's just form the first-ever throuple in human relations and be at peace for the rest of the show.

Trent Reznor: the next NIN album cover will be a space blanket in orbit in the cosmos, a pink layer and purple layer with the black layer in the background.

Marilyn Manson: call it Space Junk. can i PLEASE collaborate with you again?!!!...

Jen and i are hanging out with Eye Luggage and Laertus in the one Las Vegas bathroom that leads up a LONG NARROW corridor to the roulette wheel and that garish paisley carpet...

Molly Ringwald: the carpet pattern is teardrops because you cry as you lose your life savings...

Jen R: look DEEP into my eyes.

me: blue eyes, so what?

Jen: no, see the specks of grey in there? they're grey-blue eyes, not bluegray eyes, very rare.

me: soulmates are rare. rare to find.

Jen: and that's why MY autumn colors are grey and blue...

Billy Corgan: i hate to ruin this touching moment but i like the grey pumpkin on Jen's porch and the blue mums enscoring the statue of Edgar Allan Poe's final Baltimore raven...

Louise English: if Marina Sirtis was British but NOT Greek...

Martin Freeman in Black Books: i mean do you REALLY believe me as a doctor?...

Tamsin Greig: Fran had the coolest little pocket computer in the early 2000s...

Malcolm in the Middle: it should have remained Malcolm in the Idle...

Amy on Futurama: i wear a pink jogging crop-top and pants because my parents pressured me into looking successful and presentable. before, i was a rare female hikikomori...

Black Books: the British Seinfeld...

Fantasia: the first Vaporwave...

Mickey Mouse: PLEASE let this be what Heaven really is...

Black Lab "Time Ago": the official song of Macross...

Undertaker: a couple from the show It's a Living are coming to the Chapel soon to make their vows FINALLY. i'm gonna need you to skedaddle, little miss.

Jem: undertaker, not a lot of uncertainty to your job. i don't like that. love offers unexpected hope and surprise.

Undertaker: despite my outward appearance, i am not a robot...

  

Jem goes back to the In-N-Out Burger.

Jem: it must be a dream to work here. EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR CUSTOMERS come in here for celebratory food after having just gotten a quickie wedding!!!

Rio: if that isn't romantic, i don't know what is. tradition is tradition. you don't go all the way unless you marry at the Little White Chapel AND THEN eat at this In-N-Out Burger alone just the two of you with no wedding guests nor wedding feast/banquet. it's quite the sight to see a bride in full wedding dress and train munching on some Animal Style fries getting red ketchup all over her white wedding dress. 

Riot: romantic and cinematic. i offer the new shaky married couples fries at 1969 prices, it's a Summer of Love thing, give them a little hippie hope, 19 cents for french fries!!!

Jem: won't your manager fire you?

Riot: nah he's cool, he's Zalman King...

Jem: you know, i've discovered in Vegas something much more valuable than quickie love or a music career...