FLOOD THE GATES: THE IMPOSSIBLE FRIENDSHIP

 

Grandma Ewing slow: I'm 60 and that;s old enough for this world to call me Grandma. so I need a distraction.

Jen RL wait haven;t I seen you round the neighborhood? do you have a son named Broan? Brayd Bunch haircutof tan hair?

Grandma inslow: that;s him. he drinks put of the hose on every front lawn in the neighborhood., wheels out his drum kit in the middle of the culde=sac, puts on his sunglasses, takes out his wooden drumsticks, and BANGS the fuck outta those drums all night ;omg.

Jen: bro a was my boyfriend for a couple Vrostamses

me: I Ted to take those drumsticks from Brian;s hand not his fingers were  aviso grip. he was too close to my gotten, I got safe and let go. 

Grenada Rinslo; you see why I go HARDCRE into my Dyar Yrek Brandon?

grnadma RI slow; I had the most SHSZONG experience at the San Antonio Fyar Trek convention!!! Gate am Fadden came up to me and started chatting like we were old friends. this kinda stuff NEVER happens to me!!!

Jen: what did you take about?

Grandma R slow; old=lady stiff like knotting. we both have white hair, we;re both 60!!!

Tichard Dwsonl the monk saw the nin and hos about Europeans...

Pope BibL my Kim was  a nun, that;s how I got into the family business.

dad: Bosnia., I streets over that ;L90 s Daeajevo war/ as I feel in love with frosting mampout...

ESONL who wants to talk to a ,ale billet all player?...

Mitchgel Musso:L call me Mousse. as in '90s hair gel. what am I doing no? NT watching Tv and playing football. Miley grooms looks weird as a woman...

Juan RisteinL Ribery Heck-yes...

Ciongi: we;RW sick of war wot Rwanda, let the courts decor, let the courts decode every disagreement been two corners before it torns onto a war...

Dyefaos Tsostsopas: I nated my face to be on the drama, the ancient drag,a. ie nated to bed Fhotley Valentine. when I'd OED I w hated to cases to Mount lumps. instead,d I will only ever be knows as the got who went to the bathroom. I shoulda been a janiitor...

Fingil remember when we were Xore?

Tebecaa Loiwe in a leopard dress: you got no Chavez with me, Xkatab, no chance...

Grand,ma RI slow; do you know how I know a 70=uar0pd woman on KS argan likes you?

me:  tell me, IL separate.

tand,ma nail he sends you something and says, :I don't know why, bot I thought you'd appreciate this..."

WaldoL where was I hoping> I was Pizza Goy in fats Tiems at rduegmont Hoighm check the T-short...

Get a Luife: his show was ding anticomedy decade before Tim & Eric.

Handome Boy: ...

Vhrps Eliott: did KY another Dbi Marty Tim Heidecker?.........we dodged a bullet with that one...

fekicia;s Not mental Rho framed iegr Rabpt PT hour any of the cartoons...

Medievak timesL your;e only gonna live to 30, why waste half your life in school?...

Dressrosa: knead of etching this EHTIRE Ine Oiece arc, you curls had a kid!!!

Dyflamingio: I told you to go out there and make some happy memories for yourself with your loved ones.

Ipen Yoru teysL": you;LL half of Goege picas is you prison taoist.

in Vfrusoel why dodn;t you ever put me in one of your ,movies?

Goiege Liucas; I thought you were lost in the Vnailal nebula...

Gradmao Rinsow on the phone: hello? is this really Gtae McFadden,?!!!

ate Mvhgadden: is your phone I  th shop of Jean-Luc Picard;s bald head?

Granda i slow; yes.

ates: you left such an immersion on me at the con I had to call you at your phone using your private number. 

Gtand,a Tin slow: I was skits about to cook up some carnival good for lunch, want some?

Gtes; w;r Emory Ethan feidns, we;r besties.

Htdao in sow: abpt how do yore lay okie seeing an shot. i;m not a lowly sewist form day DTP Io.

gates: I;m so glad IPM now what for  the state for Texas. nol silly, it;s beat you told me 

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: IT WAS BETTER WHEN HE WAS FACELESS

 

Jen R: feeling better?

Banksy: no. nobody looks at my art anymore and sees the subtle political underleanings. they just see my ugly face.

Jen: you're having an identity crisis but in reverse.

Banksy: how do i inspire again? 

Jen: you need a pseudonym...

Jen R on the dusty-green telephone: it's okay, we can talk now, we can talk again.

me: what happened to Banksy?

Jen: he's feeling like himself.........which is an unknown...

me: so where was Banksy staying this whole time?

Jen: my place.

Banksy at Jen's place: the minute-long Burger King commercial where the new president kicks the creepy King plastic-head-can't-talk-mouth mascot out of his hostel and vows to make the Whopper taste like it did in the '80s, that's the only thing that gives me hope for the world right now!!!

bodega: it has to have a coin-operated horsey ride out front for the kids.

Sorsby: forget the NFL, i'm entering the supplemental Scooby draft. i bet you i can solve the mystery of the old miner, grow the first goatee in the '70s on my chin, become Shaggy, and disappear.

Fred: none of us had jobs, we all just wandered the countryside solving mysteries in our van for free. we'd eat when we'd drive into the city...

Lili Estefan: Rauly? Raulie?

Raul De Molina: no, Rauli to match with Lili...

Atom Egoyan: omg my daughter Lucine in Calendar is Paris Jackson!!!

Paris Jackson: no it's the Afghan Girl from that famous National Geographic cover.

Lucine: ONLY an Armenian name...

the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: but i was a gentle giant. i don't get it, look at my derpy face, i have a derpier face than Vinnie Barbarino.

live-shooter drill in the town square: does this make you feel safer? or more scared? let's have a multicultural parade here instead.

Trump: the only way this ALL ends is.........the 2028 general election.........maybe...

Christiane Amanpour: Bosnia vs. the U.S. brings back those old '90s memories when your dad fell in love with me.

dad: Sarajevo. the war. Christiane poured the news into me with a mother's pat. swaddling me in a working mother's pillowy towel. despite being at work she gave me soft yogurt when i came home from school at 3PM...

Christiane: i will always be the greatest Iranian who ever lived...

Suzy Lu wearing a Luffy hat: i'm ready, where do i enlist in the Tartan Army? it's an anime club, right?

Michael Stipe: the "Stand" lyrics make sense if you're a human compass...

Waldo: ...

Rush: the trees...

Chris Elliott: i choked on my cereal and went to Heaven, that's the dream of every single man living with his parents. while up there Abraham Lincoln punched me in the gut. i was witness to Honest Abe's legendary wrestling moves up close.

The Music Man: the ULTIMATE musical.

Anderson Cooper: ...

Lifetime Movies: Hallmark Movies with crime...

black Playboy Bunny: is this progress?...

me: i'm off.

Jen R: leaving?

me: not right.

Jen: have a honey yogurt, it'll restore your pH balance. 

Jamie Lee Curtis: which is just your mental balance. i do NOT look good with long hair...

Jen: why is all the honey yogurt at your place hard?!!!! 

me: i need a chisel, not a spoon.

Jen: there's no such thing as Iranian frozen yogurt...

me: why does all my milk taste metallic? the expiration date is July 4.

Jen R: revolutions are messy, they require guns.

me: and the Heinz Chili Sauce.

Jen: right? it's just ketchup, they forgot to put chilis in there, all the bottles look the same.

our dusty-green telephone sits on top of an unfinished Banksy street stencil about the Three-State Solution in army-fatigue green that looks like olive-branch green. 

me: i give up, all spaghetti sauce tastes terrible. 

Jen R at my place: Rao's Marinara. and homestyle mini-meatballs. the Kraft parmesan cheese in the green shaker is more powdery than you remember from the '80s. there, you've reclaimed your spaghetti for dinner!!!

me: i am devoted to you.  

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: PUFFA

 

Jen R on the powder-green telephone: i gotta go, Banksy is depressed.

me on the phone: talk to you soon.

Jen: i'm not a psychiatrist.

me: i don't trust clinical psychiatrists, only street psychiatrists.

Jen: so i set him up with a friend to talk to. he needs a friend, not a doctor. 

Banksy at his place: i'm freaking out, man.

Harvey Pekar: calm down, Banksy. be chill like me. it's not that bad. life is happy.

Banksy: for you always but not me this time. i'm peak stress. i wish i could hide from everyone forever.........wait, that's what i'd BEEN doing!!! i can never hide again.

Harvey: listen, Robin.

Banksy: at least call me Davey!!!

Harvey: do you know why i went BUCK WILD on Letterman that one time? they didn't feed me in the dressing room, i was HUNGRY!!!

Jen R: okay we can talk. crisis averted. all i have to do is fetch Banksy a Puffa jacket so he feels like a New Yorker again. so he feels he can blend into the crowd again. 

me: i'm at church with Jaleel White's mom, she wears all-white: dress, hat, heel shoes, gloves. her fellow church divas are all little old short ladies in eggshell blue: dress, hat, heel shoes, gloves. she lines the church ladies all neatly up in a row in the pew and SLAPS them all across the face in one fell gloved swoop slap for disrespecting her son for being Urkel.

Jen: that was a surreal one. your dreams are always so much more interesting than your real life...

Lorne Michaels: you want living history? watch the first SNL after a new American President has taken office...

Hunter S. Thompson: don't be afraid of me, i'm just Ernest from Ernest Goes to Camp...

Denny's: there is nothing more moldy than three blue dots in your giant potato pancake that's been sitting in your fridge for four months in our impossible-to-open suction-suck circle black containers.

Marketa Vondrousova: listen man, it's not like that, man.

Scooby-Doo: it was market forces. people don't buy Vidal Sassoon no more.

Marketa: my new husband Shaggy, man, we solve crimes in a van. is the dog talking or is that the weed talking? we're children of the flower. i don't like the popo knowing about me, knowing where i am at all times, knowing where i'm going, harassing me, having me on file.

Chutes and Ladders: if Sesame Street was a board game...

Trading Places: who knew Coleman could act?...

Don Ameche: i'm pizza.

Lili Estefan: when do the soccer players go to the bathroom?

Raul De Molina: that's what the hydration break is for, Lili: pee.

Lili: what if they have to go poo, Rauly?

Raul: they poo on the pitch, Lili. they pinch one out on the pitch.

Melissa Maker: when the next man comes along? well he won't be wearing a cowboy hat, this is Canada, not Mexico!!!

Chad Reynolds: ...

me: i love you.

Jen R: you wouldn't say that if you saw me now. i'm fat.

me: bah!!! i love your soul, not your body.

Jen: you say that but...

me: oh now i get it, the puffa jacket was for YOU!!! to hide your whale body in shame.

Jen: i'm not THAT bad. huh, maybe i can believe a man in this one instance...

Jen R on the dusty-green phone: Calendar teaches us to always respond to messages. 

me on the phone: there's nothing worse than unanswered letters.

Atom Egoyan: call her back while naked on a leather couch.

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: REFRIGERATOR IN THE WILD

me on the phone: I WANNA HAVE YOUR BABIES!!!

Jen R on the powder-green telephone: i told you never to call me at work.

me: it's your first day?

Jen: maybe. i'm Banksy's secretary.

me: so your job doesn't officially exist.

Jen: exactly. let's keep it on the down low. well it used to be that way until he was outed...

Jen: okay i guess we can talk on the powder-green telephone now.

me: dusty-green.

Jen: it's not like it's being tapped, MI6 doesn't care about Banksy. speaking of work...

me: you're not gonna believe this but i have a job, too!!!

Liza: i'm showing him how to stock shelves at Safeway. i tell him it's just like stocking books at his old library job.

me stocking stacks. ah Berkeley, you made me cry. stocking zines is just like stocking fishsticks.

Jen: well a grocery store is a food library. hi Liza, i'm not jealous.

Liza: have you seen the Bank of America sign lately? there are crows on it!!! that's a bad sign...

LensCrafters in the back of the mall: we have SportsCenter...

Riding Bean: see it's Chicago but it's anime...

Vinicius Junior: i don't play for Brazil, i play for Ancient Rome...

Harvey Pekar: remember when the worst thing you could call someone was a shill for GE?

David Letterman: General Electric is now one bitcoin. let's go to the Obama Library together, Harvey. 

Joyce Brabner: your voice becomes clear when you're yelling, Harvey...

Melissa Maker: they say keep busy as a divorcee, keep doing that job where you tricked the world by getting paid for doing what you love. it's about passion, right? be prepared for when the next man comes. but how do you know there's gonna BE a next man around the corner? i'm Jewish, we don't fall for that life bullshit. most Jewish people end up atheist. i'm 40 but i still got the insane tits. these tits can still be a gift for someone new!!! old milk jugs don't clump. what if there's no one? can there be a someone special after 40?...

Henry Winkler: why did you start barfing when Happy Days switched to a live studio audience?

Ron Howard: craft service switched to shark sandwiches...

Joanie: i love Chachi? *vomit* 

a European in Costco: this store scares me...

Mitch Hedberg in soccer Norway gear: right? why does it have to be so cavernous of a warehouse? i got lost in a Costco once. i slept in the freezer aisle for 30 days, i didn't know Costco had beds. there is no such thing as a broken escalator because it turns into a Viking ship.

at the World Cup.

a soccer player kicks another soccer player in the nose with the soccer ball. 

soccer player: he was stealing my joy!!!

referee: i'll allow it. no yellow card.

Atom Egoyan: my work has been described as elliptical. that is the perfect revenge for all those math teachers in Canada who said i'd never amount to anything despite me with my glasses looking like a math nerd.

Atom Egoyan in Calendar: great, my first onscreen cameo and i'm giving off Woody Allen vibes...

Messi: Lionel Messi, not Little Messi...

Tom Hanks: in Cast Away when i finally reunite with Helen Hunt after being on an island with a beard and a talking volleyball for four years, i make this gesture, i just wasn't there, it's false, it's me, it's not Chuck Noland.

Helen Hunt: when you say to me "you make me want to be a better man" and then you give me the finger.

Wilson the volleyball: but when you CRIED when i "died," Mr. Hanks, those tears were REAL, man, they moved me.

Jack Nicholson: cast away, not castaway, get it?...

Jen: okay we can talk. i'm on the phone all day. there's nobody here.

me: are you at a secret location?

Jen: home is where the heart is. instead of visiting my mom i coulda bought a new refrigerator...

me: remember the refrigerator episode of Punky Brewster?

Jen: left me and all kids scarred for life. nightmares from childhood. poor Cherie Johnson, that refrigerator in the wild was ominous, growing like a weed in that junkyard.

our cats: we stay under your refrigerator because it's a WARM spot...

Jen: does your refrigerator make that SIGHING sound like it's a heavy-breather phone call from the '70s?

Punky Brewster: kids, don't go inside a refrigerator that's outside...