THE REAL WIKI: THAT SCENE ON THE DRIVEWAY

 

Jen R pulls up to my driveway in a Nissan Skyline.

Jen R: Vaporwave car.

me: i finally get that scene i've been dreaming about MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

the two of us hug for a week.

me: what's in the back?

Jen: 7 cases of kitty litter. it's supposed to be the lightweight stuff but it's getting heavier in my hand. or maybe i'm just getting older.

me: did i ask for this?

Jen: subconsciously and brimstone-y. with me, yes. whenever i visit someone strange i give them kitty litter. especially if they DON'T have a cat...

me: i see you working... 

Marmaduke: don't be absurd.

mom: i like crepes but i don't want crepey skin!!!

mom: what's absurd is i don't have liquid soap in my bathroom!!! cleanser? like foam you use to spot a stain on a shirt?

Emmanuelle (1974).

Sylvia Kristel: so i was auditioning for that cat food commercial with a cartoon Garfield interacting with a live-action me. 

Just Jaeckin: i mean i wouldn't mind if your spaghetti straps came off. yes that is my real name.

Garfield: they sell lasagna at the vet?

Sartre: leave me out of this. oh wait, i guess all of us here are French-Thai.

J Dilla: this is the "Won't Do" music-video intro...

red socks: only on Christmas.

the French In Action professor: whoops, wrong door.

Gilligan: one is never alone in life.........on a boat...

jealousy: outdated in the '70s. WHAT HAPPENED?!!!

man: i didn't want to pay for it either. but nobody's around!!!

Van Gogh: i never slept with any of my models. i feel i missed out...

donuts: strange country? have a donut.

morning meditations: keep the tips pointed.

factotum: even a brothel needs cleaning.

the The Room bed...

houseboy: this green robe means i'm a eunuch. i run through the banyans like Martin Yan that one time.

boredom: the enemy of this house and this film.

James Caan: sailors make lousy lovers.

Emmanuelle: all i did while in Paris was go to the Nintendo Store.

Shirley Manson: it's not cheating if it's women. but you're gonna have to shave...

Marie-Ange: like my Shel Silverstein shirt?

Marie-Ange: never trust anyone over 30.

Emmanuelle: this is a California King from when Mordecai was my lover.

masturbation: it's only elegant when women do it.

Fontainebleau: everybody goes to this restaurant after prom!!!

Less: no wonder i'm still a virgin. no car. and i sleep at night...

Felipe sawing his forefingers at the green houseboy: chame chame chame chame chame.

Concorde plane: looks like a movie theatre...

William Shatner: um, stewardess?

stewardess: it's a French plane, making love happens in the seats. seats as big as sofas.

Roger Federer: when i'm at the Thailand Open, i play squash along the side of a pagoda.

Samuel Beckett: the answer lies in pleasure itself.

Emmanuelle: i want to drink you.

Errol Flynn: but i taste like Hi-C.

Emmanuelle: why can't beauty be getting fucked in the ass with a glass dildo?

Jen R: omg remember those '70s white socks with one red stripe and one blue stripe?

Danny Supple: wood racquetball racquets?

Shirley Manson: my fantasy is to make love while wearing my Gloria Steinem glasses.

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's the same impulse when you see my butt and tits.

feminism: take a lover...

Adam: we're all naked underneath our dresses.

Steve Jobs: when was i in the Coast Guard?

licentious: having a driver's license.

me: that's a neat trick, put a bracelet on your crush's wrist and wait to see if she returns it...

Jen R: highlighter-yellow car?...

Bee: none of that corn-flakes nonsense for breakfast...

Washed Out: hey don't knock a life of leisure.

Bee: that's not how life works!!! get out of the jeep, i'm married to my job. look, you're okay but.........i'm kinda friendzoning you...

King Crimson: copyright court, dudes. wait, this is a Kevin Kline movie? okay you can use our music.

Bee: put on this red Steve Buscemi backwards cap to blend in.

Emmanuelle: i'm falling in love with Steve Irwin's wife.

naked Thai woman: i don't smoke, my vagina does.

The Carpenters: so you're healthy? what are we doing here?

The Carpenters: sure beats the car cigarette-lighter from our 1974 Oldsmobile...

Bee: well, i've never had naked lesbian sex inside a Thailand bamboo cage before, that's for sure.

Martin Scorsese: if you have to make a sex film, LIE to the government of that country...

Anthony Bourdain: a solo trip to Bangkok will crush you with depression...

Anthony Bourdain: Vietnam? maybe... 

Yoshie Bancroft: works for Harmony Gold...

carnival wheel: impossible to win. you better hope the Ferris wheel is working...

Cumber: The Bible is boring, learn about exciting Saiyan ancient history in Sunday school instead...

me: what? i was looking at your butt.

Melissa Maker wearing an ALO fur coat: you know, yeti. not cute at the grocery store. Hulk Hogan when he was in Russia.

Jen R: sexy yeti.

the two of us, the two soulmates, move from a memory to a moment to the murmurs of a meal.

Jen still hugging my neck: remember, whenever you see 9:30AM on the clock, that's me, that's my warmth. 

CUNNING FOLK: REMEMBER PENNIES?

 

Jen and i are at Disneyland.

Jen R: let's go to the gift shoppe.

me: in Main Street USA? but that's the worst land.

Jen: i know but that's the only place to get a penny anymore.

Jen: so they're selling Lincoln pennies for $5, that is so Disneyland.

me: you gotta go with the flow when you're at Disneyland, leave your wallet behind.

Jen: want this Dutch oven with Walt Disney's face on it?

me: omg look at the glass case below the tit on the wood statue of the Snow White witch.

Jen: it's a Wheel of Fortune tarot card. AND a Jeopardy tarot card!!!

me: Pat Sajak and Alex Trebek as a two-headed minotaur is unnerving.

Jen: and magical. i like how the divine wheel has a blue Daily Double wedge.

me: the wheel is surrounded by masonstone pebbles.

Ian Curtis on laxatives: Skyrizi, control is everything to me, love that song.

eggnog: spiked with spiced rum.

Chloe Fineman: ...

Prince: i came up with the whole drinking her bathwater thing.

Belle Delphine: thank you.

Prince: another man's wife...

Double Indemnity.

Barbara Stanwyck wearing silly sunglasses: we must stop meeting like this.

Walter: why? i love going to our local tiendita. 

Barbara: oh that's right you're a fan of Mexican food.

Jacques Pepin raising a glass: cooking with my daughter, cooking with my granddaughter, these are the things that feed my soul.

Rollie Wesen raising a baguette lightsaber: what about me?!!! come on, man, AGAIN?!!!

Vaporwave: the spacing of the letters and we're spacing to the chillwave groove.

Kevin Spacey in purple: don't be spacey, be spaced out.

Kevin Spacey: i'm fine. i'm a lounge singer in Cypress living my Lost in Translation life. i'm not homeless, i go from hotel to hotel...

Carson Daly: you're jealous of me, i know ALL the pop-culture things, man.

Instagram: we don't really care about your home business, just post stuff about fucking...

R.E.M. "Losing My Religion": it's about overthinking...

blowjob: take your socks off, man.

Martha Stewart: serve the Thanksgiving meal at 2PM, just in time for a new Family Guy...

Peter Griffin: nobody eats at 2PM. isn't 2PM cocktail hour?

Martha: you only eat at 2PM once a year. and that other time you were late to the Dodger game so you ate a long hot dog with Mary Hart.

Mary Hart: late lunch munch.

Millie Bobby Brown: my tattoo will say I KNOW.........Star Wars fans get it...

Dragon Ball: every series begins with a farmer...

belly dancer: ballet dancer...

Donald Duck is crying in the gift shoppe.

Jen R: what's wrong, Homefeather?

Donald Duck: i'm crying.

Jen: you'll get your feathers wet, Double D.

Donald Duck: i'm just thinking about where my life would have been now. had i not met Jack Tripper. Jack inspired me to be a sailor. a sailor not like Jack Tripper, a sailor the Navy could be proud of, not just another longshoreman male prostitute. 

me: hey Jen, can i get this LONG rainbow tornado lollipop?

Jen: those swerves are SEVERE.

Mickey Mouse: yeah don't get that swirly lollipop, it's hazardous to your health. either you'll choke or you'll lose your wife. i put it in Minnie's butt thinking her having a tail meant she had no butt.

Jen: honest mistake.

 

CUNNING FOLK: TELLING YOUR SOULMATE YOUR PROBLEMS

 

Jen R: just woke up. haven't washed my face or anything.

me: GUH you're cute.

David Duchovny: i have a small Richard Gere head.

Doctor Manhattan: when i look at my reflection, i see Iceman...

The Major from Ghost In The Shell: you tell me quiet, piggy? really? you pathetic president. are you even a NIN fan like the rest of us from the future?

Double Indemnity.

femme: i was the first fatale!!!

Fred MacMurray: you're a doll.

Barbara Stanwyck: FAO Schwarz?

Keyes: he died of a broken heart uh neck.

boss: Keyes, why are you wearing a vest and nothing else?

Trump: my office is the whole world...

Walter, pointing; THAT WOMAN IN THE BLACK VEIL, I FUCKED HER!!!

husband: i went out to the balcony of the observation caboose in a leg cast as a tribute to the skier Spalding Gray.

Michael Jackson: my name now is Prince...

Keyes: these are Stanford football plays, you wouldn't understand, Mr. Norton.

Kurt Cobain: suicide by steamboat? at Disneyland?

Keyes: got any bicarbonate copies of the policy? duplicates which requires triplicate signatures? i gotta stop eating hunks of concrete. wait a minute, i really could play Fred Flintstone...

Phyllis: i'm afraid i'm afraid, get me? all we have to do is lay low. but i gotta fuck you.

Walter: so i took Lola to La Fiesta restaurant. this was crazy but the only way to keep an eye on her was too have Lola live with me.........i really wasn't planning on this threesome at the start of this...

Mr. Jackson: he looked like Mr. Neff here, had that face of a lucky bastard who was munching on Hollywood gold. 

Mr. Jackson: osteopath means hooker. have you ever met a man who was SO HAPPY to go to court?!!!

NO DOGS, NO APRICOTS.

Mister Rogers: murder is like a trolley?

Walter: why'd you betray me, baby?

Phyllis: i'm a bad seed. i'm one of those supermodels who's messed up in the head.

Walter: i was gonna shoot you, but...

Phyllis: i didn't fire the second shot because i discovered love for the first time.

Walter: why shoot you? you're hot, it'd be a waste.

Keyes: the border? OH, so that's why you like that La Fiesta restaurant so much, you're a fan of Mexican food.

Keyes: you were like a son to me, Neff. can i call you Walt this one time?

Walter Neff: i'm too tired to cry.

Jen R: tomorrow will be a better day.

Lars von Trier: unlike my hero Ingmar Bergman, my films are a little bit more.........disgusting. Ingmar kept it classy.

lust: it's just passion...

Jen R: in the '70s, you didn't have a husband or wife or partner, you had a lover, that was hot.

Brett: smoking a cigarette.

Match Game 75: ...

CNR: i don't use CLR, i call a plumber...

November: around the time those annoying little pine needles start appearing in your kitchen, bed, coffee...

Match Game: all the women were expecting...

Jeff Buckley: there's just something about being barechested when you take that photo with your mother...

we're at the mall.

Jen R: i read your mind!!!

me: only you can probe my mind deeper than i can.

Jen: imagine FAO Schwarz in Hawaii.

me: where are we?

Jen: the mall. i got you the PERFECT Christmas gift.

me: OMG it's the Red Shoe Diaries complete-series box set!!! how'd you know?

Jen: do you know how hard it was to find that? you can't find that on Amazon. it's only available at a RadioShack in Downtown Oakland in the '90s.

CUNNING FOLK: FUNERAL INVITATIONS

Kurt Cobain is busy writing out his own funeral invitations. when he shows them to Dave Grohl and Krist Novoselic, they are not amused.

Kurt Cobain: but it's funny, right? i mean it's something i would do.

Dave Grohl: yeah, now that i think about it, i picture in my mind YOU doing it, it's pretty hilarious. that is so you, so something you would do.

Krist Novoselic: the way the writing is all crazy on the margins and haphazard and squiggly lines and uncrossed Ts and undotted Is, scribbling down the page to a pool of nonsense words at the bottom, that is so you, Kurt!!!

Kurt: yeah i mean i gave you guys directions to the church i want, the funeral parlor i want, both must be purple rooms. it's all in fun, you know? funerals are fun, why does it all have to be so sad? so morose. let's make it a party. i'll be there at the front door greeting everyone who attends, shaking their hand.

smoke: HOW MANY TIMES has smoke cleared on Dragon Ball?...

Double Indemnity.

Kate Smith: because it shows you how to commit the perfect crime...

Fred MacMurray: no i'm not the guy in that black-and-white Cheerios commercial. Bosco chocolate milk? i was in that sitcom with the family dog Marmaduke... 

Barbara Stanwyck: i was an unattainable beauty. with a face that made Venus weep. but the sunglasses make me look goofy.

Woody Allen: why don't people like movies the way i do?...

all in: that's why you're so tired.

rheumatism: not really a thing after like 1949...

Ms. Krause: WHOA that's the Berkeley Library!!!

Fred: i may be drunk, i'm speaking into a macaroni.

Glendale: the finest ice cream trucks in the county!!!

Jen R: look at that GIRL swinging a baseball bat!!! that's unheard of in the '30s!!!

Barbara: just sunbathing with Bert.

red goldfish: crackers in the fishbowl.

Fred: you know, Bruce Springsteen?

Barbara wearing a honeysuckle anklet: you'll see in the trailer...

Barbara: you like waitress salad, Mr. Neff?

shadow of a revolver at the back of the car...

Edward G. Robinson: and i'm already a little man...

EGR: we're selling policies to bums like that guy from the band Live who let everyone down.

Jen R: remember when dames would call fellas "fresh" for coming on too strong? sigh.

Trump: remember, $50,000 in 1940 was like a million dollars today...

Jenna Jameson: straight between the eyes.........not cum...

Fred: so i rolled a few lines at the bowling alley. of cocaine. Johnny Rockets soothes my soul. my apartment's top floor is a garage... 

Barbara: my husband's out putting Tato Skins in the new well.

oughtn't: a tough word to say in noir rapid-fire.

Jen R: that precious moment after you've both declared your love for one another when you're aimlessly walking around the kitchen in a daze looking for wine glasses...

Tehachapi: Native American for "Tajin does not taste good."

Barbara: i just happened to be his wife's nurse...

David Stern: and now, to crook the house, the NBA has see-through gambling tables or something?...

Chinese checkers: in the '80s when you weren't good at Nok Hockey or Carom...

California hat: sunhat.

Stanford: we were BIG in the '40s...

James Dean: imagine me USC premed...

flounces: a jump at UCLA '80s summer drama camp.

Detective Conan: tiny little beige cards in the doorbell, who knew?!!!

Fred: i walked from my apartment to the Dietrichson house. it was 3000 miles but whatever.

observation berth: this train looks like Palm Springs!!!

Ford Model A engine: just needs a little warming up...

drugstore: where everybody went to eat.

Kurt gets up on the church stage and delivers his own eulogy.

Kurt Cobain: i know what you're all thinking. you and i started thinking the same thing about a week ago. you've noticed Elizabeth Banks before. but the way she is SO FUCKING HOT on Press Your Luck has blown all of our minds.

Melissa Maker: can you be just an OnlyFans foot model?...

Pitbull: i made John Travolta bald. Bruce Willis encouraged me...

Bruce Willis: i'm fine. turns out the afterlife is not big on hair.

John Travolta: i always wanted to play Moe from The Three Stooges.

Quentin Tarantino: internet funding isn't a thing anymore so to save money: me as Larry, no Shemp.

work email: how you get her home phone number...

Holt Hanley: nuisance rain is nuanced rain...

Chris Walken's would-be wife in The Dead Zone: when i made love to Chris Walken while married to that other man, those were scenes of GRACE.

light rain: it's a blessing.

Stephen King: i became a bestselling author as revenge when they didn't cast me in Clayface...

Eddie Murphy: so i was all ready for my first threesome with Yul Brynner and Kathy Lee, but i got stuck in Mister Robinson's Neighborhood!!! between two beige cardboard blocks. i was hoping since he was The King and I he'd send over one of those LONG SKINNY scaly dragonboats to fish me out of the projects sewer.

Kurt Cobain as he's shaking Jason Wade's hand by the entrance: i'm falling even more in love with you.

Jason Wade shaking Kurt's hand: thank you sir. hanging by a moment, i get it. you have a dark sense of humor, sir.

Kurt: please, call me Kurt. you know i just realized!!! people always ask me what is the Gen Z version of the Gen X band Nirvana? it's Lifehouse!!! how'd you come by that name anyway?

Jason: it's a Soundgarden-type name. 

Kurt: you got the blond hair and growly grunge voice and everything. you know for the longest time i was the ONLY man who had long blond locks of hair, it was weird. 

Jason: are funerals about death?

Kurt: no, they're about love.