THE SHOT WITH REVERB: THERAPY IN ASH

 

Kurt Cobain: this therapy stuff is hard.

Roger Federer: what good is your therapy if you do it after the whole world turns to ash?

Kurt: thanks, that made me feel even more depressed.

Fannie Flagg: i paid $5000 for a shrink to tell me that my inner me was trapped inside my body and couldn't get out...

Roger: i mean, who'd want to leave YOUR body?...

Marty McFly: the original Back to the Future time machine was a refrigerator.

Punky Brewster: you'd get stuck in that refrigerator and i'd have to rescue you. get you out. plus you'd be stuck in time, there's a timeline where you pass on the Back to the Future script to honor your commitments to Family Ties banking your entire future on Bright Lights, Big City being your big movie debut...

Michael Weiss: i don't have time to read the frickin' comments!!!

citronella: orange juice as an essential oil.

Jen R: sit yo ass down!!! you wanna take my citronella candle? the one i use to start the evening by the firefly bog by Bethesda? smudge around and find out. 

South Africa: let's just take a moment and picture Tim Tebow fucking...

Julia Ioffe: i married Borat.

Michael Weiss: i mean who knew you liked men with Beakman hair!!!

Josh Gates: this is an archeology course, which is science, but don't think for a second you slick little college anklebiters can get away with bad grammar on your science papers, as i ALSO have a PhD in English. science is not sexy but i am. this is Berkeley yet somehow we're taking this class in a prefab house...

Townies: ABC's answer to Friends.

Julia Roberts: not really Mystic Pizza: The TV Show...

Robin Williams and Matt Damon: you call THAT Boston accents?!!!

Molly Ringwald by the docks: in fairness, the Boston accent has faded from society. that's why i used my normal voice on the show...

Shia LaBeouf comes through the curtain and sits down on the couch next to David Letterman.

Shia LaBeouf: DAD!!!

David Letterman: you want me to come across this desk and give you a hug?

dancing at the discoteca.

me: you don't have to wait for months.

Cindy: but i do have to wait four months...

Shia LaBeouf: i played my own wacky abusive father just so i could get slapped by Sigourney Weaver, that's a fetish of mine...

Zack de la Rocha: it's Bulls on Parade, not Hip Hop Hooray...

Kurt and Roger are walking to the indie moviehouse.

Kurt: this LONG HILLY suburban sidewalk reminds me of that "Walking Contradiction" music video.

Roger: that's a breakthrough because if you didn't have that meeting with Billie Joe Armstrong at that Berkeley house party, Green Day wouldn't have existed.

Kurt: was Nirvana REALLY that important?...

the two put on their paper Greek helmets and talk quietly amongst themselves in their row as the previews and weird ads for Welcome Back, Kotter Sea-Monkeys roll.

Roger: that's a great disguise, nobody will ever recognize you.

Kurt: people stopped spotting me years ago, i didn't have the staying power of an Elvis sighting. now i'm just that lumberjack who never talks. i thought i'd be the only Odyssey superfan here, thank you for coming with me.

Roger: phrasing. 

Kurt: i tried to live my life by Zeus's law. unfortunately nobody in the world had any idea what that was so i got misunderstood again. hey, Hell is simply a place you can't escape, right?

Roger: yes.

THE SHOT WITH REVERB: RETIRED

Kurt Cobain is lying supine on Roger Federer's red soft ottoman psychiatrist's sofa his blond floorlength hair touching the red carpet.

Roger Federer: i've always been jealous of your long hair.

Kurt Cobain: well, you're the shrink, you come highly recommended by John McEnroe. so go.

Roger: you like my office?

Kurt: loving all the yellow ferns you have hanging in here. 

Roger: do you know why Hootie & the Blowfish sold 100 million albums of Cracked Rear View?

Kurt: shifting radio-friendly units? ah the VH1 days, 1994.

Roger: after your suicide the world was in a tailspin. an air of hopelessness gripped the planet. people were looking for good ol' fashioned southern Carolinian down-home-country-boy stability. heartland heals.

Kurt: my brain is chicken-fried.

Roger: i'm trying to help you out, old-timer. let's have a patient powwow.

Kurt: i remember those Mississippi fishers on MTV, they were saying they put that tape in their truck, it was the perfect score for joyriding on a hot summer night.

Roger: it was the same for Jack Noseworthy in the goth/metal/alternative lane on the road.

Kurt: Jack Noseworthy REALLY got beefy and sexy the three short years between Teech and Dead At 21!!! it was the hair.

Jack Noseworthy: no it was the lips.

MTV: in the '90s we premiered our dangerous shows on Wednesday nights...

Roger: so, what are you gonna do now?

Kurt: get naked for an Outer Limits episode...

Jimothy: Ranger Rick after hearing "Floyd the Barber..."

Andy Griffith: the best song on Bleach from a very uneven record.

Robert Pattinson puts his ear to the door of Matt Damon's trailer as Matt Damon YELLS for hours on end.

Robert Pattinson: having a blowout phone call with Kristen Stewart?

Matt Damon: she is everyone's ex but i was making my voice sound older to play Odysseus.

Robert: just do the Batman voice.

Tom Hiddleston: me as Tommy Fleetwood.........perfect casting, same face, same name...

Michael Weiss: as you scroll Instagram, cheap inspo memes won't improve your life, finding a woman on Instagram will improve your life!!!

Cassie Lee in Teech: Asian captain of the rugby team?...

Saka: the 3rd Place Match is going to penalty kicks!!!...

Grandma Winslow and Gates McFadden are at their loveshack on Mars.

Grandma Winslow: those infernal spiral notebooks, IMPOSSIBLE to clean up those pieces of teeth paper.

Cindy Lorenz: ...

Cindy Lorenz: the price you pay for having to get a Green Notebook...

Gates McFadden: does Islands deliver?.........i mean up here...

false positive: the most destructive thing in the world...

Javier: i'm looking for socks.

Chola Butt: for your cock? that's a sketchy opening line.

Javier: socks here at Safeway where we both work...

Chola Butt: i saw you stalking not stocking the cereal aisle for two hours waiting for the Banana Cream of Wheat to arrive. you get brownie points for that...

Kurt: but the world thinks i'm dead.

Roger: you are to them.

Kurt: only the two of us know the truth.

Roger: so, what are you gonna do now, my old friend old Kurt?

Kurt: i'm retired. like that old GUNKY torn-plastic cobalt-blue cup with the dingy bottom you keep around the dishwasher to hold your dirty silverware.

Roger: say it ain't so!!! YOU can't retire. i can retire, nobody wants to see me with white hair, i'd scare the kids. the papers are calling me the male Serena Williams.

Kurt: there was only one Jimmy Connors.

Roger: but music is an old man's game. the songs get better with age, experience, and life wisdom. do you think Bob Dylan liked his first album?...

Kurt: well there is something about growing old i want to get off my grey-haired chest.........in a song...

 

THE GREAT SOCK HUNT: PIZZA AT THE WEDDING

 

Chola Butt: i'm sorry but i just don't find you attractive.

Javier: but how can that be?

Chola Butt: i know, it's loca, we're both single Latin warriors. you're a stubby man but you clearly work out, i can see the tiny piston muscles spilling out of your tight Lacoste crocodile knit shirt and oversized head. you can't force the magic.

Javier: the Mexican magic. my head became square from smoking cannabis.

 

me: ahem *i clear my throat*

Javier: oh right. wait let me check one last thing...

Chola Butt: hey don't touch my chola butt!!!

Javier: no i was just checking to see.........

Chola Butt: my butt is REAL, hombre. loca!!! i don't have long wide ribbed white tubesocks in my buttpockets!!! 

me: that's a real shame because those are my favorite socks. they last the longest. thanks for trying, dude.

Javier: no problemo, chino.

Charles Nelson Reilly: you can't win with socks, they're either small TIGHT AND ITCHY or large snug fit with HOLES in them.

hundred hallucination: hallucinations experienced in 100-degree heat.

Hot Topic in 1989: when we were an '80s store, we sold black speedos...

in the hotel with the bellhop carts.

Eliot Spitzer: can i spit on your toes?

Lis Smith: THAT's why your name is your name? we have a Seinfeld romance. Lis Smith tits, it rolls off the tongue. how about i give YOUR toes a titjob.

Eliot Spitzer: fine go ahead, i might as well have a little fun, it's not like i'm gonna win anything again, i can't compete with these TikTok left-wingers. remember when being a Democrat meant making fun of old white men?...

star soul: Tom Cruise making a movie in space.

Hermione: i wish i had a wand...

Julian LeBlanc: Kylo Ren as the lead singer of The Strokes after doing one Red Shoe Diaries episode...

Harry Lennix: Don Lemon was set up...

Jules Smith: have you ever eaten a bittersweet English muffin?

Cassie Lee in Teech: they said i had to make my voice squeaky to be "cute."

Jerry Seinfeld: perfect squeaky comedic mousey voice for my show. helium with a New York accent.

Cassie Lee: no i didn't retire to be a Street Fighter fighter.

Maggie Han: i was one of the four in Joy Luck Club...

Elizabeth Ashley in Vampire's Kiss: much more interesting than Nic Cage's overacting and whatever he was trying to achieve with that bizarre accent of his was my sex life with my MUCH YOUNGER Latin lover in my sexy black satin Jen Carfagno Mrs. Roper caftan with the white dragon down the middle. therapists need to pencil-in love, too.

Nic Cage: i stayed in character throughout the whole movie.

Elizabeth: you wasted the Method on THAT performance?!!! 

Nic: what, it's a Nosferatu tribute. people forget about German Expressionist silent cinema.

Elizabeth: i was voted sexiest 50-year-old woman by People Magazine. i beat out all 4 Golden Girls and that Crystalline Entity lady!!!

Kurt Cobain on a porch: kids today with their knit caps and lip rings and metalcore shirts dancing in their video-game chairs think Nirvana is classic rock.

Eddie Vedder at the insane hospital: how long can a man's hair get? do you know why it's called a nuthouse? because nuts go with jam...

Pele and Messi at Azteca.

Pele: i'm still better than you.

Messi: si.

Pele: i inspired Vision Quest. i got Linda Fiorentino's autograph. i started a league not just played in one. the pitch is brown for a reason...

Trinity the cat: when i get all crazy and jumpy like that, it's not the zoomies, it's diarrhea. i have to take a hard poo.

In-N-Out Burger: another chain is targeting us. maybe now is HIGH time to finally get on DoorDash?...

tomato basil soup: lasagna.

The Rocketeer: The Rocketeer secret destroyed the German Gigant...

Melissa Leo: i could play Jackie Fitzgerald...

Harvey Pekar: Stuart Fails to Save the Universe, that had to have been one of mine. right? i remember shading that comic book...

Chola Butt: by the way my name is Susan.

Javier: no way, Josette!!! it has to be Selena or Ireen or something.

Susan: in life there are the Javes and the Jave-nots...

THE GREAT SOCK HUNT: GODZILLA UNDER GLASS

 

me: don't blow your one and only chance.

Javier: um.........hola. do you like me okay?

Chola Butt: for one thing only.

the two see each other's reflection in the glass aisle blocking the deodorant.

Kurt Cobain: why is Safeway guarding how we smell? our bodies stink, there's no getting around that...

Javier: i know what you like in a macho i mean in a man. take this red Old Spice stick deodorant with Bigfoot holding an apple pie...

Chola Butt: no.

Javier: Godzilla holding illegal Japanese firecrackers which don't exist?...

Chola Butt: you have the pin number for this keypad to this lock. 

Javier punches in the code, Chola Butt swings the glass door open, swipes an Oil of Olay bar, and skids off.

Chola Butt: don't look at me running away!!!

me: hey, you wanna see my etchings of a jealous Godzilla kissing Fay Wray?...

Cuisinart: when you buy a new toaster from us, the toaster setting is at 7 the highest setting.........to test you...

Chola Butt: do you know what we call our manager?

Jen R: he looks like Daddy Warbucks.

Javier: yeah, Mexican Daddy Warbucks.

Chola Butt: not because he's wealthy, because he has a bald head that is brighter than supermarket lights.

Mexican Daddy Warbucks: the Safeway parking lot, where every car has its motor running at all times ready to drive INTO you!!!

Jude Bellingham: i'm classier than Coach. "Hey Jude," Beatles class, not that "Wonderwall" tosh our manager sings in the shower with us recounting the old days.

Kane in the shower: The Two Ronnies were pretty good tho.

Bellingham: Oasis are scousers. our goalie is an MLS guy?...

Cindy and i are at The Greene Turtle.

Cindy Lorenz: when you see me what do you see?

me: i see a woman rubbing a dab of Oil of Olay into her palms before attacking this plate of big-ass nachos in front of her.

Grandma Winslow and Gates McFadden are in their loveshack on Mars.

Grandma Winslow: for home upkeep don't toss the Hershey's Kiss flag in the indoor recycle box, you'll never find it. transfer the flag DIRECTLY into the recycle bin OUTSIDE. we're sensitive about flags, many a torn rainbow flag came before us...

Gates McFadden: great, now that that's over, come over here and teach me Defender of the Crown. i've never played a computer game naked.

garbanzo beans: the one thing missing from the salad kit...

Judge Judy: it's the 3PM block, they're playing repeats of me from 2015!!! that's how entertaining i was.

Teech: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine as a sitcom. Odo the headmaster, Sisko the music teacher. and Miles's wife the rare progressive Asian sex symbol.

Wesley: how come no one on Star Trek wears glasses?

Breaking Benjamin: it's okay for the singer of a band to wear a hat on stage while performing live. 

Kurt Cobain: if i wore a hat on stage i'd be accused of being a lumberjack...

auburn hair: doesn't mean you went to Auburn.

Charles Barkley: i cannot speak on hair.

Drew Brees: am i in fact Trent Reznor? let's examine the evidence: same eyes, ears, nose, mouth. picture my face with long straight raven-black hair. we both live in New Orleans. 

Trent Reznor: football is a goth sport. Trent: Teeth, think about it.

Trent Reznor: we both have a scar...

me: so.........the socks?

Javier with a hangperro look on his face: oh right. try CVS.

me at CVS: THESE SOCKS ARE IMPOSSIBLY SMALL!!! 

Jen R: right? they're cute tho. they wouldn't even fit a woman's foot. and women LOVE ankle socks.

me: like what are these?!!! travel-size socks?

Jen: can you get socks at a pharmacy? loving the Vaporwave patterns and colors on these socks tho.