MAILLARD IS A MYSTERY: MARTIN YAN REACTS

 

Martin Yan: you smell that?

Leslie Sbrocco: did you fart? it smells like cheese.

Martin: the smell of bacon, you can smell the smell of bacon even on a bitterly cold morning like this. the bacon smell wafts atop the icy wind.

Leslie: now i want a bacon popsicle.

Martin: the smell of bacon gives hope on a dreary morning. but what are the chemical reactions that go into the Maillard Reaction? what is the mathematical physics equation formula that explains browning?

Leslie: nobody comes there for that nerd shit. this isn't science week, this isn't America's Test Kitchen, people come to PBS to EAT.

Ms. Krause: not using everybody for anything anymore...

Jenny Baranick: peaking of grammar, r,e,EBT the good ol'; fays when out out peroneum was arch alien?...

Joyce KilemrL: I mean I GOOTS be the ski an w as ever ja the fist vane Hiuce,

ede Yrapiost cheese...

Joyce DeWitt: hey Kilmer, your;e cite when you jog that tree.

Willow ungodly: I kat aw madame than fly u a blacj-magic solve Rubik's!!!

the heat is;s test on them 24th Anncioersary Behind the Dcemes Doe I'll five ones Ater your watch this, this one hour gospel you start tof El and aitu yourself...

at Snwocanls test kitchen.

Julia Cllin Davidson l fisherman's in.

Joe Gutetrl aw mate, come on, don't call me a unit oil. this rad the fish pie I ended toe at when I got home from school ager a kin g fat if being bullied. I;s a morale I didn't turn into Vook form Fins. 

Julia coming down on her bitter: old is much better than McDinakd;s.

OE GitetrL don't note for on your fish sandwich, luv. the let to a true Brotosh fish pie: no toatoe,s potatoes are zIrish.

Nigella Lawson l website mY cooking show on OBS> IP  too risque? let's; face it, you're losing ienetrst on  cooking shows...

Jen RL CNA I be in a OBD family?

me; I know, me too.

Jen RL  the husband resting his head in the wife;s shoulder. and the kid, a ballet peaceful Obs family.

meL the they're f us we kis OB all day.

Jen tl air school.wroij...

Mark Hoka:L there is nothing one mediative, your realcing, in all of time, that traveling by himself was widen cart one the green grass of rolling hills in Medieval times...

spry boo Inernatinal :The lied n:.

Talia: sheathing shards ONA sheep, it's not like curing a crawls nails...

Seurat iris.

Jen RL: I;m glad you called, tat was such an .80a thing toss at her the phone.

Martin cirsesL the taco isn't drongo gast ta might, grpgpgn Funeenmls just tripping.

gepffgpn fuenenL and you know a thing or two abiotic tacos...

Life Firotentini: see? women CNA be sneaky, too, shittels isn't list for the men. I'm  not above using the old; forty-niner ;airy trick i see you chest shucks.

Jen rL see? backrub, totals u peonies mine to get a  date.

Groupon FunenL the nurse, the blindfold whi and me do u toe forgery again, this all got me into BDSM.

Isaac Drwoettl Marty garbling< isn't that a Peanots character> 

me: Hogan  toa  coffee shop at 2A< in the ring, oh how I is Berkeley.

Gorgon FuneL oh,  get it no, ul s;sped you e OU on this gum.

Marij f rode bngi.

gorgon hunld the subway RI tiles.

griffon FuneenL system I thought I as at extremely. in Berejely this is known as park outing.

tro GarrL  camni the you some.........COFFEE?!!! why am I always the waters?...

griffons Ile ki Nksgeratri Kaho cuckoo's pants/

action crosses: dogs goth, get it< the nathropo  graffiti. a mans; cock gobbled but a shark. NW TGST is hilarious I Italy, o the Old Vounry.

cup ossiL eye unls lum.

eoth cards: very rolling towns :eggars banquet.

GrogonL grog graffiti,

steampunk vashp0regostr Beach Bos an tels KY virus keys on ,u one piece election...

k fucus r,went date lie toilet water?...

Julie atzwald: the read Orosn arrow signs are hilarious.

Fonzie: song mu Kitraddo  park amber cinb as a Orson.

e=Mel you still haventl set he'd Kyu face yet,

Ken T: ...

Elsie drool doctors worries over women fasting all he time, bot we all farm evening lasts ever subject night fri  fibber until breakfast...

Jane inafL tat LS wat iv bene try  to at acne the l80s...

Jan eFifnal it's good for your body to go to bed  late uney, egg?

Else I Fbrool NO!!! NEVER!!! sleep hungry> hell no, look at me, look at my Ron but, that's a bread butt. we can't all be ;ex-wife high Oki k ark boss with the couple hazy headband around the knob of your inbox on the Qbert dancefloor at (Am I the morning. sep hungry not even for insomniacs...

SVL Dyone not the cross.

FJ canobeklL we do for twil wi soldiers, the trope Fret rookie Lions tram IK eats at looks we.

Bock not lays are tests, ot it helps. 

Bertie: Bert & tone.

tenor Sanders l ...

Titus Groanl this us Oeake TV ey titlist.........*groan*,  knowm not actually I oldest Sissy oh you;s bundler for why wifey[saved head, ksgeratro thinks i;m ugly.

Nose from no I dontl, but you are  wrap refaced...

Julie okay wall Titus Gran was my bedtime book, u Guido get Moon.

Mercy oeakeL I spell Marco the cool way. the alld earthman store way!!! I ok Kirk be on I'm, not Thaoms Meron, wen k ad a box I  terre...

bothers tool Einie the Pooh;LS do see.

Sec Neff: ife with my cap and my dog an the Sertorius is good, bit it would be enhanced of I had [more][click for more] a life art ER...

GFuerza: misogyny rerare it's ugly hard again, it hits, and I;m God, who's a woman!!!

Leslie l Martin, who are these two females in out dressing room?

MartinL tempted mine, okay> lay off them. that one is called Hineyusyckle the other one is called Five-finger d Dtar Denise.

Else I what will you ife say about these girls?

Martina KY wife edited Terry Ms when he I've did vacua town, she could never found him, he was always gone, rebrt corn was salads Fong isn die mailboxes to escape from her.

Leslie l I won't balb, hey I got my sidepieces, too.  Boyd and Vramer Cakvados.

Martin YanL the onto thing I don't do estas is fair I air-dry my sausage with my jam snapping, hoc one the two links are still greasy?

Elsie f tool the sausage oinks have collected the oil from  your frog egg, you really oughta be careful with that stuff.

Main:L thanks, abbe, you;e ight, from no one I ain't oiling y wok in an Uumaki spital with my tea Kelly;Le nmore.

Leslie l but that's your signature move!!! 

 

MAILLARD IS A MYSTERY: VELVET BACON

 

Martin Yan is teaching bacon in a course at Chinatown University. his students pay rapt attention as their tongues wag to the smell of bacon in a wok. as Martin stirs his rough stained chipped and charred wok with his panache hand, he closes his eyes to profess.

Martin Yan: class, have you ever cooked bacon in a wok? 

Leslie Sbrocco in the crowd: sizzle makes me pizzle. 

Martin: without breakfast, there's no reason to get upon in the morning, you might as well sleep your life away.

Leslie: um, Professor Martin? Yan, my fam. how does the Maillard reaction work?

Martin Yan: that's a good question. oh yes, from the pretty blonde in the front. i sure hope you're a student in this class, i have twins, i haven't smashed in so long.

Leslie: i'm a little old to be a college student. i've been doing this taste-of-delicious shit for 20 years.

Martin: see that's the thing, NO ONE KNOWS how the Maillard Reaction works. all we know as humans is that it tastes fucking good. when you fry meat, the BROWNING of it makes the meat taste some kind of way. a different kind of way. confess, everyone in this cavernous smelly auditorium, raise your hand if the only way you've ever eaten bacon is by MICROWAVE.

the class raises its collective hand.

Martin: what a shame. what a crying shame. you haven't LIVED until you've tasted bacon that's been FRIED.

after hours. that is, professor's hours.

Martin: i hate Americans who use skillets.

Leslie: was i supposed to hear that? knock knock.

Martin: come on. i mean come in. 

Leslie: what say a handsome culinary professor and a ditzy wino solve this mystery.

Martin: my office hours are one hour.

Leslie: no, figuring out what causes the Maillard reaction. figuring out WHY browned food tastes better.

Martin: i need to ask my wife if i can travel willy-nilly like this, she's with the twins. adventure is forbidden in my country now.

Leslie: now that's a hard lick. i feel you, i know family, i haven't seen my husband in 20 years. everyone needs a Roz to their Ancilla, one of those friends who will NEVER leave you no matter HOW long you've been away. everyone has their sad-friends club.

Pablo Picasso: rooming with you in that little tumbledown apartment in the Tuscany hills changed my life.

Quincy Jones: man you were OBSESSING about the Blue thing like a motherfucker, annoying my black ass. i set you straight on what REAL blues were: jazz. 

Quincy: you know me, i'm not one to brag, or even humblebrag, but sometimes in life gods are made. i was one of those gods.

Picasso: let me sculpt you in milk of magnesia.

Quincy: look man, your paintings are cool but your sculptures are wack. you gotta sculpt with conscience, never lose your heart. don't be those sculptors outside who are doing "road work" on the exact day of the election so the black voters in the urban areas can't get to their polling places.

space heater: great way to heat up a room. but you can't put it anywhere.

Mr. Kotter: right? it's just a fire hazard, that's all it is. 

Chris Cornell: Soundgarden "Tighter & Tighter," now THAT's a deep cut...

Michael Weiss: i'm always awake. i get very little sleep. because i have Instagram followers in Bulgaria...

Peewit: ROOMIE!!!

Bede: no.

Thundarr the Barbarian: now do you see how important the Ozone Layer is?...

Storybook International "The Spoiled Son": his two parents argued about how his life should be, back and forth like a tennis ball. tennis hadn't been invented yet in Medieval times...

Roger Federer with a Little Lord Fauntleroy haircut: not true, tennis was invented the day cheese was invented...

me: you're my ultimate distraction.

Jen R: is this love?

Billy Corgan: i have sad eyes but they're not Stephen Rea sad eyes.

Father Ted from Father Ted: ...

Stephen Rea: my eyes are soft and gentle and reflect when i discovered what love is in The Crying Game.

Dolours Price: nothing to do with the IRA.

Stephen Rea: although you do have the perfect name...

Hell: you see an escape but you can't get to it...

Martin Yan: EVERYONE FORGETS THE SIDES.

Leslie Sbrocco: what do you mean?

Martin: when you're cooking sausages in a skillet, you fry one side and the other side but not the SIDES of the sausage, you gotta brown the SIDES, too. 

Leslie: fry your french fries. i'm from France by the way.

Martin: that explains the massive milky tits. 

Leslie: it's not milk unless it's French milk.

 

dad: a lucky penny in the POURING RAIN, that is magic.

Jackie Fitzgerald: Costa Rican silt...

Catalina: i can't just marry ANYONE in my Costa Rican village, i need to marry someone who EXCITES me.........in the city, not the village...

Jules Smith: you need me or you'll have no life.

me: i know.

Jules Smith: you need me to have your second act.

Hayao Miyazaki: Miyazaki Uzumaki, i would do Uzumaki with a spiral of flowers...

fortuneteller Steven De Jesus: the other guy looks like Jimmy Kimmel, i look like Allen Ginsberg.

the Burger King: hey, don't combine the two Double Cheeseburgers into one burger, it's not regal.

Burger King Double Cheeseburger: you know why i taste better than a Whopper? the mustard.

Glenn Frey: you got the eagers to see the Eagles?

me: i'm here when you get bored.

Jen R: is this love?

After Hours.

me: i need that remote control!!! that big bulky '80s hip-sized computer with push-buttons like a cash register!!!

Rosanna Arquette: Tropic of Cancer, Henry Miller. you a fan of the band Live? i'm desperately seeking that sound in the '80s...

She's Having a Baby.

Alec Baldwin: DAMN i look YOUNG. i mean i got BABY FAT on my face!!!

Kevin Bacon: i'm nervous.

Alec Baldwin: pal of mine, say the word and we drive out of here, burning rubber by the church sidewalk. we do a Rory McIlroy on this whole wedding.

John Hughes: you need to get married now. you need her, but you won't realize you needed her until you're on your deathbed. i wish i had followed my own advice, movies are so much easier than life...   

Kevin Bacon: i'm young here, too. WHOA, i gotta be even YOUNGER in the boy-meets-girl bar in the '70s with Boston "More Than a Feeling" playing in the background!!!

Demi Lovato: my boyfriend is Eminem but he sings...

villain: i'm not a villain, i'm a supporter of Aston Villa, i'm a Villan.

Wayne Rooney: people called me a villain for having a weird Three Little Pigs face.

Justin Fashanu: people called me a villain for being gay.

TV: it's not just for gay men...

Tim Kaine: i did summer stock in college before i entered politics, that's why i was such a natural in that SNL skit...

dad: moment of silence for the Brothers Hildebrandt, their art on that paperback cover caught my eye that i bought that Fellowship of the Ring blue book and embarked on my lifelong Tolkien journey that endures to this day.

Dirg: i liked them, too.

dad: fantasy is not an excuse for bad thinking.

Ralph Bakshi: where's MY piece of the Brothers Hildebrandt pie? i never had a brother, why i was so sad through my life.

Geoff Tate: your time to work with Queensryche came and went...

Liza: i'm Jackie Fitzgerald if she worked at Safeway.

Liza: here's a quarter with the Queen of England's face on it...

Blue Exorcist: the EXACT OPPOSITE of my situation...

Boris Becker: to make ends meet while i was in prison, i had to play the villain in Mashle...

Walter Lewin: if Bernie Sanders was your 7th Grade physics teacher.

Martin Yan: what a beautiful morning. the birds are singing.

Leslie Sbrocco: the birds warned us of global warming with their birdsong but nobody listened.

Snow White and Greta Thunberg: ...

Martin: the smell of browned meat in the morning. bacon, sausage, and other various meat shanks. i can see that smell. it's one of those mornings where you wake up and you can really feel your butthole, you know?

Leslie: yeah.  

 

MONASTIC COMPLETION: EVERYTHING MUST GO

 

 

Gallivant: so you wanna go out sometime?

Bede: on a date?

Gallivant: this place sucks. there's nothing to do here. why did i become a monk? 

Bede: i feel trapped.

Gallivant: plus this monastery is filthy. nobody dusts. which monk's vows were to dust?

Bede: you have a weird beard, Brother Gallivant, your hippie beard irritates me.

Gallivant: but you have a beard. you're just jealous of my curly hair.

Bede, Peewit, Gallivant, and Gargamel attend the concert inside the Sphere in Las Vegas. Queensryche are headlining but that doesn't stop Geoff Tate from introducing a special secret guest to come up on stage with him to do a duet: Ed from the band Live.

Geoff Tate: we have to acknowledge that our "Promised Land" sounds like Live's "Iris".

Ed Kowalczyk: but which song came first?

Geoff: we're both '90s bands, it's all good.

SUDDENLY a completely naked Gargamel bumrushes the stage and lets the entire Sphere audience see his Medieval penis. the crowd goes wild. Gargamel just stands there in the center of the stage under the hot screen lights wearing nothing but pixie boots on his feet and his trademark goofy grin, meditating with his eyes open.

the fellas get back from Vegas to the monastery with sweaty stories and a newfound energy for life.

Ed in a monk robe: and Live.

Bede pounding the table: speak, Gal!!!

Gallivant: i had my first ghost poo. it was spiritual.

Bede: how long did you wait in the line for the bathroom at the Sphere?

Gallivant: a year.

Steve Ballmer in a monk robe: there were bathrooms?

Peewit: the music over there charged me with spirit but i just gotta say, don't want to spoil the mood but i have a quibble, i didn't appreciate Bede buying me a Gargamel T-shirt at the gift shop.

Bede: they were the only shirts available at the Queensryche/Live concert...

Peewit: but why?

Gargamel: can i continue being naked inside the monastery?

Bede: there's no exact rule against it, the rules are lax up here, nobody sees us up here, we're unregulated, we can pretty much do what we want. be naked, Gargamel. be naked, bro, the Pope says she's okay with it.

Gargamel: call me Brother Gargamel.

Gargamel goes around the room and gives a naked high-five to Bede, Gallivant, and Peewit.

 

Lili Estefan: i'm bilingual. i speak spicy Spanish and unlike Kathie Lee Gifford i speak fluent English.

Kathie Lee Gifford: i got a kinda drunk, spicy-eye Southern twang going on.

Lili: Gloria Estefan taught me English. and how to grow.

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's kinda hard to welcome trick-or-treaters when you have a large sliding iron-wrought wooden gate around your house...

Jackie Fitzgerald: Carmel is a dud. i'm done with Carmel. i need REAL ROMANCE. i'm going to Costa Rica for 10 days. Spanish men, you know?

Tupac: in the city of L.A., in the city, city of baseball, we keep it rockin', we keep it rockin'...

Super Mario: on a Halloween night there is nothing SCARIER than a raccoon who can lift and open the lid of your trash bin...

raccoon: i'm spooky. i'm not like Ranger Rick or Shirt Tales...

Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 2.

Goku: please tell me you're Yoko.

Ryoko: no, but we'll meet again in Cowboy Bebop...

Bonnie: i'm the Cyndi Lauper of this '80s anime...

Goku: i'll follow my nose, i'm setting my eye to Froot Loops Mode.

Goku to Ryoko: your brother's ozone footprints.

Turbo: he's not a better dancer than me.

Goku: watch this.........i turned off ALL the lights in Tokyo.

Ryoko: so your eye is The Clapper?

ComicsOne: we've abandoned our website, stopped paying our bills, and disappeared.

Goku: so this SUMPTUOUSLY ELABORATE SETUP was all for just TWO episodes?!!!...

Homeaglow.

blonde woman: we FIRED our housekeeper.

Melissa Maker: but why are you so happy about this?

Jerry Seinfeld in Monterey: March is for merch...

Mr. Roper: cold? me? oh you, are you cold this winter? get swallowed in a large marshmallow, i'll lend you my big-ass HEAVY white down-comforter blanket. 

Zoe Saldana: ...

Mr. Roper: don't get hot-cocoa stains on it, Helen would have a fit, she's the one who does the cleaning...

Tyrone Power: John Stamos is my son. i birthed John Stamos...

Instagram: it's cold. it's just a bunch of pictures and videos. no one talks.

the election: the ruiner of Halloween moods every four years since 1776.

Whopper Jr.: it's just gonna taste bad like a Whopper, right?...

Eye Luggage: your first concert was Nine Inch Nails?!!! 

Julie Patzwald: yeah. i can't explain it. i was just cool from the start.

Eye: picture the Mona Lisa as a goth.

Julie: she already has that non-smile smile...

John O'Brien: i made one too many chocolate puddings at 4AM...

Gin Blossoms: the band looks like we're all on an episode of Friends...

Uzumaki: maybe this would have worked if it were more like Shibori...

Jillian Clare: i'm studying tsundoku at Cornell...

Angela Aguilar: i'm Eva Longoria.........but young.

Eva Longoria: but have you been to Mexico AND Spain, missy?!!!...

Sarah: you know what real love is? buying the wax paper.

George Kraw from PBS: i have the most tender eyes a man has ever had.

Kurt Cobain: save a shot for me.........a shot glass of my favorite vermouth. Halloween is the time for spirits.........the time to drink as many spirits as humanly possible in one day...

Peewit: come on, man, can't i be a monk with you? can't i stay with you in your bedroom cell? 

Bede: like prison buddies?

Peewit: yeah, like roach roommates. 

Bede: the whole point is to be alone. 

Peewit: man, i'm gonna see if i can become a BUDDHIST monk!!! they don't have these completion contracts and wacky cut-off years.

Bede: *heavy sigh* fine, i'll see what i can do. you can stay here secretly for a couple of days. then, you sleep in the monastery shower at night.  

Peewit: can you call me Brother Peewit?

Bede: not yet.

Peewit: why you crying?

Bede: i'm thinking back to the time we had at the Sphere in Las Vegas. that was amazing. that was fucking amazing. that was an existentialist experience. Catholics cannot commit Existentialism, it's a sin. i've been to the outside world before but this concert was something else, it seeped into my soul like syrup.

Peewit: glaze without blaze.

Bede: i'm reconsidering everything. i made a huge mistake. it's like when you're stuck in prison and it finally HITS you. i can't get out. i'm in it for the long haul. in it till the completion.

Peewit: in it to win it, bro.

Bede: for the rest of my life i'm gonna wake up and not have the faintest foggiest notion of what the fuck i should be doing with my life...  

 

MONASTIC COMPLETION: FIRE SALE

 

Peewit: come on, man, there's gotta be SOMETHING you like about the monastery.

Bede: the long skinny bonfires we have at night that reach up to the sky's ceiling. mostly i like impressing other men with my cooking skills.

Peewit: very Jack Tripper.

Jack Tripper: ramen men are best men.

Bede: see this kitchen, Peewit? this kitchen is ALL MINE, buddy boy. here's where i infuse my culinary creations with my own sauce and God's help. i like it when the other monks have an orgasmic reaction to my food, i mean that is all we're gonna get in here.

Peewit, farting into his Linus blanket: i gotta say, that is one smart-looking Dutch Oven.  

Bede: it's the color of powder blue like Kurt Cobain's electric guitar. Kurt dropped it off himself.

Peewit: and topped off himself. are you mandolin'ing the pumpkins?

Bede: check.

Peewit: as your musical accompaniment to your cooking, do you want me to play my flute or my lute?...

Bede: speaking of, the witches are coming over this morning. i said witches, not bitches. 

Peewit: the nuns.

Doryce and Gladyce arrive from thin air.

Doryce: greetings and black magic to you all. 

Gladyce: we see a lot of gourds and corn on the doorsteps of all you guys' cells but no pumpkins.

Bede: we don't celebrate Halloween up here. 

Peewit: if he did, he'd do it '80s-style with a REAL candle inside the jack-o'-lantern. 

Bede: we celebrate Harvest. the monks use all these corn-on-the-cobs as their vibrators.

Doryce: monk buttholes? sorry, i tend to pry. vibrator virtue can be a thing.

Gladyce: dears, we carve in a way to which you may not be accustomed. 

Bede: and custom is everything.

Gladyce: we use our long sharp pointy witch nail instead of a knife. we carve pumpkins into jackess-o'-lanterns with Samhain carvings, not Halloween carvings. 

Doryce: Halloween is for amateurs.

Bede: now i'm craving a carving. she said jackess, not jackoff, Peewit, don't get excited.

Peewit putting on a jacket: Johnny Knoxville is my hero.

Bede: Dennis Donohue? you're in here? you're a monk? makes sense.

Dennis Donohue: how?

Bede: you're Santa Claus without the beard. 

Dennis Donohue: Santa is old hat. old Santa hat. i want to be known as a true liberal changer of the world.

Phil Donahue: you'll never get there. you're fat me. you're Fat Phil Donahue. I was the one who upgraded the Cesar Chavez Library and gave every public-school student a library card. people who look like other people but are fat, on the next Donahue...

KFC: we've never really done a Halloween promotion...

John Lennon: nothing box.........not Yoko.

the Ice King from Adventure Time: Ice Roast, why didn't NesCafe have this cool drink around during my reign?

NesCafe: the coffee you drink while playing Nintendo...

Erik ten Hag: i now have the time to pursue my dream job: working at Erik's DeliCafe...

Charles Barkley: don't blame me for your puny Subway sub, i ate all the meat but ghost-pepper bread gives me gas.

Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 1.

Yoko: so i live in an apartment complex where we have rooms but no stairs...

naked Yoko: sucking on cigarettes is not the same as sucking on tits.

assassin: but, how did you?...

Goku: sorry, baby, i started watching cartoon episodes of Aeon Flux on MTV...

villain: i have to see a man about a carpet, a man called Lebowski.

Goku: now THAT's a waterfall.

"Fighting in the Danger": the ultimate Pole Position level, night stage...

AI: you don't have to change the world, just get a rinky-dink computer...

Mary Hart: i'm behind home plate at Yankee Stadium. you can't see me because i'm wearing a black Gore-Tex coat...

at 7-Eleven. 

Splenda: try salt...

Jean-Luc Picard: yes, put salt in your tea.

Kurt Cobain: i know what the real nirvana is. i know how to achieve it, how to get there, how to go there and stay there. 

Bede: how? as a monk i'm lost.

Kurt: combine every single Slurpee flavor into one magical rainbow slush.

Bede: isn't that just brainfreeze?

Peewit is showering in the monastic shower.

Peewit: i'm telling you it was a sign!!! a holy sign!!! a sign from above!!!

Bede: what'd you see?

Peewit: on the soap tray stuck to the tile of the monastery shower, the soap was carved in such a way that it looked like a Playstation 2 controller. i'm the demographic for this!!! i'm an 18-year-old college student from Medieval times. PS2 is my fave system!!!

naked Link: not the Roman Catholic system? catechism? my tiny hearts are broke in half.

Bede: this wasn't witches' work, it was just the happenstance of the soap deteriorating in such a way that it melted in that shape. the happenstance of God, that shape could be anything. let go of that memory, kid, thinking about video games in here is a recipe for dark disappointment and heraldic heartbreak.

Teri Garr: Mr. Mom? Young Frankenstein? Tootsie? no, SNL coffee, look it up...

Lorne Michaels: Java Junkie, back when SNL used to do shortform films rather than skits.

Louise Lasser: nobody saw MY SNL shortform film...

Anthony Richardson: sleep deprivation is a real thing.

Andrew Luck: that's why i retired.

Anthony Richardson: this is all YOUR fault.

Ear Horn: what happened to courtship? what happened to romance on a train? what happened to the Frank Sinatra song "Witchcraft"?...

Frank Sinatra: why wasn't my song "Witchcraft" in Bell, Book, and Candle?...

Kim Novak: because you're not my type.

Aaron Judge: Yankees on the brink.

Shohei: of an enormous new discovery?

Aaron Judge: of elimination.

Shohei: i'm a happy-go-lucky anime man. i see the bright side of life.

Alfred Hitchcock: The Pride of the Yankees, one of my films, right?...

Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca has won Emmys.........you're thinking about Knight of Cups right now...

Jackie Fitzgerald: aren't you glad it's me at your door and not Dan Casagrande at your door?

Ariana Araiza: orange dress or black dress for Halloween? orange, so you can see my curves.

coffee: it's bad for your cough, it's in the name.

Bede starts to cry like a flagellating Medieval saint.

Peewit: why you crying? come on, man, the universe doesn't give a fuck about your life or my life. 

Bede: this is not how it was supposed to go down. the powder-blue Kurt Dutch Oven, i'm not using it to bake a Brazilian buffet, i'm using it to catch all the DRIP DRIP DRIPs of the leaking cell ceiling roof of the kitchen above. 

Peewit: oh that's my bad, bro, i think that's MY shower.

Bede punches a hole in the wall of the food cell.

Bede: DAMN it, man. this SUCKS. why is my life THIS?!!! I'M FUCKING SUFFOCATING IN HERE!!!  

 

 

 

MONASTIC COMPLETION: NO NEW MEMBERS

 

Bede: it's atmospheric-river season, i feel it in my bones.

Brother Bede looks out this grey morning to the yonder yonder. beyond the last peek of peak of hill. his cell in the monastery is a treehouse, it's on top of a spiraling oak tree on the furthest left flank.

Bede: it's like i'm this monastery's last line of defense, its common sense, its turret. i better get the awning up, looks like rain. my doorsill is either slippery from rain or my morning masturbation cum. 

he receives a telephone call in his office, which is his bed.

Bede: Eterna monastery, Bede speaking, you're lucky i'm not taking a vow of silence. what? you're the nuns from our sister convent over the hill? well come on over and let's have a Mr. Roper party!!! how come we've never seen you guys before? oh yeah, we're both monasteries.

Abbotess Triangle: the connection here is bad. religious phone lines are notoriously unreliable. what i was TRYING to say before i was so rudely cut off is we had nothing to do with the voter fraud.

Bede: there's an election going on? i don't give a fuck about the world anymore.

Triangle: how can it be voter fraud when we don't get the chance to vote!!! we're orphaned from the voting process because we're nuns!!! they figure we wouldn't be interested in something as worldly as politics. ugliness is on the inside, too, i know this for a fact. anyway i'm sending over two of our best nuns, Doryce and Gladyce, to you guys' place to do a little Halloween decorating, Lord knows you could use the spruce. 

Bede: are they witches?

Triangle: yes.

Bede: perfect for Halloween.

Kurt Cobain pulls up in his powder-blue Porsche. he hits the town-square well of the monastic village in the middle clearing of the castle.

Bede: what do you want, Shaggy? i'm busy.

Kurt Cobain: doing what? i'm not driving while on pot, i did that deliberately. i broke through the wall of this place with a well. wellness check. water is your only way out.

Bede: water will set me free? come on, man, who are you, Free Willy? 

Kurt: i just came up to visit your lonely soul and to drop off this silky dishwasher.

Bede: yes, i've heard about this dishwasher, the one with the silky gel pacs. community dishwasher, what a piece of shit. we're monks, we're supposed to be washing and drying our dishes with our rugged hands.

Kurt: where do you want it?

Usagi from Sailor Moon: put it in my cell, in the middle of my bedroom for some reason during the Christmas episode...

Kurt: how do you do this? what is your future?

Bede: we monks are trained not to think in terms of the future. it is LITERALLY just what's in front of you TODAY. tomorrow is a firefly. thinking about the future is depressing. 

Kurt: i never had a future. and my past was short.

Bede: my past is mossy.

me: i was always scared of the weekend.

A&W: the R&B drink.

Lili Estefan: El Gordo y La Flaca preempted all week for the World Series?!!! that fucking sucks!!! i get it tho, i understand, béisbol por cultura.

Marcello Hernandez: ...

Ingmar Bergman: my movies are Halloween fare all year round...

Reynolds Wrap: you only use me for pizza...

Leslie Sbrocco: but i never traveled to East Asia, you know? i never traveled to a truly EXOTIC place.

Bede, petting: hey boy. who's a good boy.

the new monastery dog is a Rough Collie named Carny.

Bede: i named him Carny, short for Reincarnated. a little Catholic-clapback humor there.

Carny: yes i'm a Rough Collie like Lassie. like Lassie i've had a rough life. what's it like being a monastic dog? i don't want to be free from sin, i want to be free from fleas. tonight's the special moon, i've invited the fellas over to witness it. these guys are sheltered indoor cats, they've never experienced the moon ONCE!!!

later that night, at midnight, three cats---Greykid, Trinity, and Talia---are experiencing the full moon for the first time in their lives.

all three cats howl at the moon.

Talia: that was an experience.

Greykid: i'm freaking out, man.

Trinity: why is Ms. Moon teasing me so tonight?

Carny: you got her on her good day, normally she's the skinniest of slivers. you sexy sliver.

Ms. Moon: i gotta watch my weight to attract the fellas so they holler at me...

  

City Guys: if Degrassi was on network TV...

City Guys: i feel like our theme song should be The Jets "Crush on You..."

Obama to the crowd: it's not every day the man from the commercials is at your doorstep.

Dan Casagrande: ...

Obama: and it's not a fun occasion like his fun commercials with the dog, Reverse Man Dan is looking to collect, he's like a Medieval Black Plague taxman Grim Reaper.

Goku Midnight Eye, Episode 1.

Goku: no shirt, vest, skinny tie...

Suzy Lu: Goku, my favorite character.

Steve Blum: it hurts the audience to see me behaving like a cad and having a potty mouth. i'm TOM. i'm Steve Blum, remember? i'm the good guy.

Goku: ballrocker earthquakes, like the World Series one in San Francisco. like the one we JUST HAD...

stripper: ride me like a motorcycle.........literally.

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: don't call any other woman you work with "baby," i'm Motoko Kusanagi.

peacock-feather eyes: the Vaporware purple hypnotizes...

Goku: don't bend the gun barrel up like this is Looney Tunes or my cock, that ruins the gun. here, just take the gun!!!

Goku: my eye is a microwave now? i don't want to be Steve Austin, i like my Japanese name. i'm a bionic man because i'm a Japanese man. i'm the Six Million Yen Man. oh good, well at least i can still watch my favorite movie: WarGames.

Shohei Ohtani: i'm okay.

Freddie Freeman: don't sell yourself short like that, friend Shohei, you're better than okay, you're a once-in-a-generation baseball player.

Shohei: no, my shoulder injury is okay.

Freddie: wrists are everything...

Shohei: i'm the Say-Hei Kid...

Ice Cube: L.A., motherfucker. Los Angeles. remember? never forget where you come from.

Fernando Valenzuela: here, have some Hot Tamales, i can't give people hotfoot anymore.

Shohei: the tamales or the candies?

Fernando: hotfoot with real matches, that was an '80s thing. pranks at the reservation where i grew up. groundworks. i'm the first Native American to throw a no-hitter...

Fernando Valenzuela: now when i look up, i'm home.

fragile state: a country that's not gonna make it...

Trent Reznor: also, my personality.

Suzy Lu: Stevie Nicks, Garry Shandling, i feel you, i feel you guys DEEPLY. there's gotta be more to life than my Discord...

Eric Wareheim: i was at The Rumble in the Jungle...

Samantha: Thundarr the Barbarian, Ariel, and Ookla were in my kitchen. NOTHING i will ever do in my life henceforth will be as remarkable as this moment. there's only one thing i can do. when i grow up, i'm becoming She-Ra...

Dwayne Wade statue: i was built by the Matrix...

Jules Smith checking the scores on her British Summer Time watch: don't get ahead of yourself...

Peewit from The Smurfs has come to the monastery asking for a BIG FAVOR. he's walked uphill on foot for a very long time.

Peewit: i mean you have to realize one thing, me and the rest of these characters in all these Storybook International television stories, we travel on these dirt Medieval roads BAREFOOT. where's Bede?

Bede: keep it short, i'm busy.

Peewit: hardy har har har, very funny. i'm not tall. 

Bede: sorry, dude, the monastery is entering its completion, we're not accepting any new members. we're gonna stick it out with the monks we have already, the monks who brought us here. to this point.

Peewit: that seems stupid.

Bede: i know but i'm not Abbot Butt.

Peewit: but i'm a hard-luck case. Gargamel killed my parents, i have nowhere to go.

Bede: nah, i don't believe that, Gargamel ain't like that, he has a cherubic face. he's a lovable villain, sweet and nice and squeezable inside. 

Peewit: you're just jealous, you just want Gargamel's robe.

Bede: that i do. Gargamel's voice reveals his sincerity.

Peewit: what the fuck am i gonna do if i'm not a monk?

Bede: literally ANYTHING else would be more fun.