MOTHER SAUCE: PASTIS

 

me: SAY SOMETHING!!!!!!!!!

Julia Child: you like my PBS kitchen?

me: does it still have that window that looks out onto a Protestant farm?

Julia: no that was in the 1880s. am i your huckleberry?

me: yes.

Julia: okay then well let me show you how to make a cold Tombstone pizza, it's my shout.

me: you know Lumpy saved Star Wars. without her the Star Wars Universe would have exploded. without Lumpy there's no Skywalker commune.

Julia: oh sure. you know i knew Lumpy, she stayed with me when her hairy mother rejected her. i found her quite malleable to learning new cooking skills. she was always so empathetic towards me.

Chewbacca: because she was an empath.

Julia: unlike that crude brute Chewbacca. he wanted to fuck me at a space bar in front of the other furballs.

Chewbacca: i didn't because your voice scared me.

Julia Child: okay so you gently open the bottle of wine...

me: i never learned this technique. i'm not dexterous.

Julia: you open a bottle of wine with a butter knife. takes 13 years. and numerology is barmy.

Rock & Rule.

computer: no one.........unless it's Omar and Angel...

Ohmtown: Ontario, right?

Melissa Maker: where Degrassi was shot...

Angel: oh i love rubbing my hands all over your David Bowie chest that's the size of a pencil.

Mok: let's go away on holiday. Fiji? Disneyland?

Lister: i hear Fiji was nice when it existed...

Don Bluth: Walt Disney banned me from Disneyland for life for wearing Fievel Ears to the park...

Ralph Bakshi: Fievel Mousekewitz was MY creation, my character. i mean come on, i'm the Russian-Jewish 1910s guy, right?!!!

Omar: like our Mamas & Papas folk band? benefit concert, we're raising funds for daycare, i'm trying to get Angel into a baby trap...

Mok: and now i perform the Apple 1984 commercial on my moog Vaporwave synthesizer washboard while wearing this rad Geordi La Forge visor, backwards purple cap, and skateboard shorts. it runs on mood...

Angel: damn, i didn't know my tits were this bouncy. all it takes is one Princess Leia dress...

Mok: Angel was supposed to turn into a guitar, and i play her, i was supposed to be half-guitar/half-woman, it would have been so erotic... 

Fat One: i wanted to say bastard.

Iggy Pop: never eat a roast beef sandwich that's been on the dashboard of a car. that thing's been there since my father left the family.

Iggy Pop's father: they call me Pop...

Walt Disney: this movie is just the movie of a dark ride...

Curly Stooge: Moe, i died for love.

Moe: The Three Stooges are love, not evil.

Curly: don't replace me with Shemp, that's like spitting on my grave.

Angel: hey, not the butt.

Mok: i was killed by a star...

Nelvana: want the original print of this film? with the fire stains? don't worry, it won't be a bootleg from your uncle's carwash giftshop. send $80 in unmarked bills to Canada in a SASE.

Gen Z: SASE scares us. what's an address? what's a stamp? what's an envelope? what is the self?

 

Heart: how do i get thee alone...

to dream the impossible dream

to live the impossible live

to wade in what's rainbows and sunshine...

Care Bears: it's essentially pillows and sunshine.

to art the unblinkable arc

Richard Nixon: i am not a crook. what i am, however, is a Tetris pillow...

Clarissa Molina: we call it the Clarissa Crook in Mexico and Miami.

Julia Child: Mocha Mix is comfort food. one lump or two?

me: of sugar?

Julia: the number of sugar lumps corresponds to the number of lumps on your head from your corndog concussion.

Ingmar Bergman: all my films end in a cornfield...

the nuns: we taught you cursive. and how to curse.

me: but where is Hell in Lost?

Thumbelina: Hell is not being with the people you need to be with.

Anthony Bourdain: be happy. seek happy. even for one moment.

Blanche on The Golden Girls: i hang a fern above my bed instead of a mirror...

Sylux: i shot myself out of my own arm-cannon as a kid, my parents encouraged me to be the youngest Human Rocket in circus history...

Shelley Duvall: damn, and i was gonna play Cher in the Lifetime movie, too...

Jules Smith: banana bread for dinner. that's the college way.

Julia Child: you mean university.

me: i'll be waiting on my roof in Carmel for Jules Smith to take me to Britain...

Red Dwarf.

Lister: everybody who ever lived on Earth wanted to be me, my life has NO STRESS...

Camus: Hell is being locked forever in a room with your friends?

Sartre: because a love triangle would take over...

Triscuit: proudly baked in the USA...

Cecily Strong: ...

world peace: determined by if a couple of men are friends with each other...

Wikipedia: look in the BACK for the best pics...

Popeye: i am not naming my daughter Sailor...

Leslie Sbrocco: the first episode of Check Please Bay Area you ever watched was the one with the freckled bowler...

Bulma: i got with Vegeta because i couldn't have Goku. i had to know what a Saiyan tasted like.

Vegeta: i feel lower than Yamcha.

Samuel Beckett: i was a professional dancer as an old man. i invented the Lindy Hop but no one found out about this because i stayed in my house.

Wells Fargo: the bank parking lot takes on a European street-faire look when you get your money: one giant umbrella nutty cobblestone canopy tree, thoroughfares in a bowl, rainswept sewers the size of the Roman Coliseum you can roam around in away from traffic.

Tony Hawk: is this circus sewer cement? it's in the shape of a perfect fullpipe. the money comes out as perfumed $20 bills, scented cash.

street signal: it's on to cross...

Melissa Maker: see that Q-tip lodged into the sidewalk?

me: so Episode 4 of Red Dwarf tonight.

Melissa: is that supposed to mean something? seeing a Jewish comedian tonight, we all need a laugh.

Lister: if you've made it to Episode 4 of a show, that show has got you.

Paul: there you go, this new toilet i bolted to the side of your bathroom should last you until the end of your natural life.

mom: ...

Bill Cosby: the nosewipe endzone celebration in the NFL would have been cool if not for the gang thing...

Cory Booker on the floor of the Senate: i'm just saying what we're all thinking... 

Capp: why is it always a chore to eat dinner?

Julia Child: take the back of your fork and fluff the spaghetti like rice. spaghetti is long rice after all.

Julia Child: ready for the heist tonight?

me: you mean at 4 PM? why are you dressed in your duck pajamas?

Julia: it's already dinner.

me: your sleeping mask is SO cute. with the chef hat on it.

Julia: thanks, i'll be wearing this sleeping mask on the heist. have you noticed that you can't get concentrated Tabasco sauce anymore?

me: those TINY Tabasco bottles.

Julia: yeah, young man, only IHOP has them, you can only get the BIG bottle of Tabasco at Safeway, which is just water with red food coloring. tonight we take back the GOOD Tabasco sauce. when they look at my tits they'll just think they're pancakes, perfect hiding place. we wait till dark, 4 PM, and take back the pepper for the people!!! they got bloody nothing on us!!!

 

MOTHER SAUCE: SWAN DOUGH

 

Julia Child takes me to the pond, as she's been doing every afternoon for some time now.

me: isn't this when your show is on?

Julia Child: the PBS offices are hell at 11 AM. you gotta watch it here, the swans are pretty but they bite. swans have TEETH. they run like Usain Bolt on the surface of the water. swan feathers are useless, Natalie Portman used up all the magic in the world.

me: at least there's still Storybook International. you have the weirdest soothing voice of all time. 

Julia: i'm just a lady from Pasadena trying to affect a British accent.

me: your voice helped me through some tough times, got me outta jams.

Julia: you feed the swans bread, gotta keep my fingers from becoming overripe bananas, young man.

me: oh right, this is the '80s, we still don't know...

as i launch an old crust of bread at the swans' BRIGHT-orange beaks, Julia goes crazy.

Julia: DON'T DO IT!!!!!!!!! THE SWANS WILL EXPLODE!!!!!!!!!

instead, upon beak-nibbling the bread the swans turn into swan dough swimming gracefully like a ballerina on the mirror surface of the pond.

Julia: the dough is already malleable from the salt. okay this helps us, we're one-up on that panty-sniffer Jacques Pepin, he has to carve swan garnishes out of carrots with a paring knife or some shit, we can simply slide these swan baguettes into my oven.

Chad Reynolds: Melissa Maker dumped me, now that is a country song...

Rock & Rule.

Mok Swagger: i look like Diamante from One Piece. what villain says thank you?...

Mick Jagger: i almost became a monk.

Goofy: my son Max is all grown up and fucking!!!

skinny apocalyptic rat Stretch: this is the opening scene of Night of the Comet with the arcade cabinet...

Max: girl i love your nose hair. go ahead, cut the power, my songs are better acoustic.

Don Bluth: THIS is what i wanted An American Tail to be. damn you, Disney.

Arthur: there was no sex in that car, the car had a jumpy axle...

Jen R: i have everything i need right here.

me: why are you pointing to your knee?

Omar: rude boy? that's rude. i don't play ska.

Mok: my butlers wear rollerskates because i long for the 1950s again. sorry about my mouth, i haven't been to the dentist since i was a child, my original birth name was Molar, mom was a kidder.

Edison ball: Thomas Edison was a notorious catatonic.

Fat One: like my tricep tattoo of the first Netscape logo?...

Mok: do you know why Weezer made it big? they sold their souls to Satan.

Omar: in fairness, the Vitruvian Man David Bowie here is kinda hypnotic.

Fat One: so our car is the Monopoly car?...

Nuke York: it wasn't Canada...

Legal: you can't say on TV your home is the best.

Mok: i live in my concert hall, the Garden of Eden has fleas...

Annie Adamson: i do tattoos the right way: no bare tits, no mermaid tails, no cracked hearts, no names in cursive, just Papa Smurf with a mohawk on a skateboard.

Popeye: my pegleg is Cupid's arrow...

Angel: i just wanna put on my Kiss makeup, dance in a neat Rotoscope way, and gyrate my ass of its own volition.

Cindy: i fart light.

Lindy Lenz: Cindy is short for Cinderella...

Mok: i like my women Cryptkeeper.

Omar: it's okay, babe, i like being Lion-O.

power surge: a good power outage...

Lisa Turtle: like what am i doing here?

earthquake: no, anything but the alabaster statue of the lead singer of Blue Oyster Cult!!!

Angel: just fingering "O Christmas Tree" on the ol' piano...

Robert Crumb: i would have had the moose with the antlers in the O Canada coat the main character...

Bagel Bakery: there's always an emergency, we're closed from like 10 AM-1 PM each day...

Julia Child: you'll live in my kitchen soon enough like the rest, but i really want you to stretch your legs and experience the kitchen that is the SKY outside.

me: i want to learn all your kitchen secrets, because those are life secrets, too.

Julia: not really, i cook alone, that's a terrible way to be in life. the quiet will drive you mad.

me: where's your husband?

Julia: he ran away with Meryl Streep. pizza bites.

me: no it doesn't, pizza is good.

Julia: i know, pizza bites are good.

Melissa Maker: here's a bright idea, Bagel Bakery, OPEN AT NIGHT!!! people eat bagels at night. people eat bagels for dinner. a little steak tartare and sour cream on that bagel...

Anthony Bourdain standing by a stool-table at a Carmel microbrewery the size of a shoebox: guys what are we doing here...

Julia Child: what are these HIGH stool-tables at pubs for?

Anthony Bourdain: for insecure men to rest their dicks.

Thumbelina: it's hard to reach me.

me: because you're so small?

Thumbelina: because i live in Colombia.

me: i mean even if you lived in Columbia University you'd be too far away from me on the East Coast...

Tom Izzo: what do you call that period of time in the fourth quarter when the team starts fouling and it's just free throws and fouls for the final minute of a college basketball game?

James Naismith: that time period when the game was still pure...

Vault Boy: take it from me, we are in the last quarter...

Charles Barkley: i call it giving fouls their flowers.

pee: it smells like graham crackers.

Thumbelina: now whenever i hear rumbling i don't turn my shoulder for the rolling thunder, i turn my shoulder for the flashback on Lost...

Keanu Reeves: i'm playing Trent Reznor in the Lifetime Movie...

Buddhism: rubbing the rim just right.

Melissa Maker: the tiny curved bumpy pickles in a charcuterie are the most expensive.

Chad: symbolic of our marriage. and phallic.

Matt in Mattmobile: I'M BURNING RUBBER cutting through the Safeway parking lot!!!.........relax, it's the morning, no cars...

Patrick at Safeway: i'm the Curly of the staff. i work the Self-Checkout, it's nice, i help many a young single lady jogger in lycra pants push the button for her cottage cheese.

dem sticks: incense.

Julia Pott: Ricky Ullman and i as a couple, our wedding, our marriage, our kid, you see these things on Facebook, but these things are misty things of distant withering magic out of your reach.

Ricky Ullman: that kid can fly...

Morpheus: Morpheus doesn't have sex. sex is Morpheus's Vietnam...

severe letter: in between hot letter and push send.

Abraham Lincoln: ...

sexfold: six times.........fold a paper...

Senor Pink: i married Pippi Longstocking.

Russian: ...

Gimlet: am i the first baby ever named after an alcoholic drink?

Shirley Temple: ...

me: let's date to show the world Canada and the U.S. can still get along.

Melissa Maker: nah, that would just give in to all the 1984 stuff.

Ikari Warriors: Patrick Lavender...

Crying Freeman: Archer in Hong Kong...

the Grizz: we're never called the Grizzlies.

Instagram: for women with a kid who are looking to divorce this week...

Boc: two more days till April.

'90s pilgrim: you gotta go outside, bro. leave the messageboards and go for a walk...

new bat: the Yankees will torpedo the Dodgers' starting pitching this year.

Clayton Kershaw: this year? any year. i'm not good in the postseason...

Kevin Conroy: the old Bat was better.

Julia Child sees me crying by the pond.

Julia Child: you're crying by the pound. crying is good. i cry when Mister Rogers combs his hair. but crying all the time will leave a permanent lump in your throat.

me: i'm an emotional man.

Julia: do you want a carrot down your throat the rest of your life? you weren't taught the right things, young man. 

me: you mean life has nothing to do with math?

Julia: when you first leave for college, when you go away to university, the first time you're away from your parents in your life, AWAY is the key word. you can NEVER let that one opportunity get away from you. you must SEIZE that singular shot for all it is worth. like a Caesar salad. or you'll end up with seizures at your parents' house on your Christmas break. 

me: is holiday Christmas or summer?

Julia: you can NEVER go back to your parents AGAIN. you can NEVER go back to the old house.

Morrissey: ...

Julia: that is the ONLY way to ensure you'll end up a TRUE PERSON. a human being who is FREE, free to wake up late to read a Thrasher magazine or at 4 AM to type something on the computer in silence. who gets his own place, who has to sell his body in a ginnel but at least he's making rent, who has a car!!! boy you will never get a wife unless you have a CAR!!! this is coming from someone how used to nick car boots for a living.

 

TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: SYLUX

 

 

Thumbelina: you hear that boom on the roof? 

Sylux lands on our roof with a thud.

Sylux: omg there is no much JUNK on your roof!!!

me: really? i don't notice such things.

Sylux: yeah, man, tons of plastic baggies and broken-off clothes hangers and one page of comix. and a golf club.

Thumbelina: i never got into golf, the hole scares me.

Sylux vacuums all the trash off our roof with her vacuum arm.

Thumbelina: watch out with that gun, i could trip and fall right into your hole.

Sylux: that gun is my arm. you'd be trapped inside my arm forever. not a quiet place to lay down and sleep.

me: it's lie, don't lie. you're the villain, right? laser space guns are cool.

Thumbelina: gunholes, what are they good for?...

Sylux: it's a gun, not a stylus. people don't realize all the garbage that's on their roof. i saw your junk from space. it was space junk.

Thumbelina: nice suit of armor, babe!!! nice sleek shiny bodysuit. are you man or machine? 

Sylux: i'm a woman. this isn't a suit, it's my clothes. i mean i guess i'm nearer to a Transformer.

Thumbelina: are you feeling okay, babe? woman-to-woman intuition.

Sylux: i don't wanna be a workaholic like my sister Samus Aran. i want a family.

Samus Aran: i get the mission done. i'm single by choice. i could have any man out here, any man in space. my voice sounds like if Mary Elizabeth McGlynn had a Japanese accent...

Thumbelina: we were just woolgathering such things, right babe?

me: yeah. the conundrum of living alone.

Sylux: it's impossible. take it from me, i go on missions in space, i know about a living space. people want a quiet house but a house has at least a couple of people in there with you, you can't afford to be in a house by yourself, no one can. you're gonna have to learn to live with others.

Stephen A. Smith: Pete Hegseth is a drunk. that's why he hosted the WEEKEND show...

Melissa Maker: but the chase IS fun...

Jackie Fitzgerald: I'm a 63-year-old woman, i'm going to Cabo for Spring Break for the first time in my life, you see what i mean?...

Blond Rambo: she's taking her bikini.

Jackie: everyone thinks i'm your grandma when we're on the beach and i'm wearing this blue-grey bucket hat.

Blond Rambo: and you're ambling around the sand like you have a pronounced limp or something...

Diane Ackerman: i'm Cher if she had become a poet...

Thumbelina: the Lost ending could have been better, you know?

me: the writers were criticized for injecting religion into a secular sci-fi show. 

Thumbelina: why did the plane have to crash? if the plane merely LANDED on the Island, you wouldn't need it to be Purgatory, this could have remained a nice epic story about timelines and time travel. 

me: i haven't thought about Lost stuff for two decades. i'm forming new Lost theories as you speak!!!

Thumbelina: poor Jack is stuck on the Island being its guardian. as the plane arrives and departs with new souls who have to meet each other unnaturally. no need for a crash.

me: holy shit!!! i just realized i missed watching MANY Lost things!!! all the Missing Pieces webisodes, i never saw any of them, i never had abc.com.

Thumbelina: there's a whole other epilogue!!! The New Man in Charge.

me: let's watch all this stuff!!! it's new Lost goodness!!! it's like if Severance was on now...

Thumbelina: i guess this means like Jack you're stuck with me for a couple more dates...

me: it seems i got the sweet end.

Sarah: that's when you know you have a good life, when you leave the front door and bathroom window unlocked because you have somewhere to be at 9 AM in the morning: a going-away party at Denny's.

Michael Weiss: don't be on Instagram the rest of your life, that means you LOST...

THE HOME DEPOT GRAND OPENING!!! ON SEASIDE STREET!!! SPAGHETTI DINNER AT 6 OPEN TO THE PUBLIC!!!

me: the stuff i write on a blog is not meant to be sponsored...

Stat Boy: i haven't been around Around the Horn lately because i'm looking for a job...

PG&E: the power went out. it's 100-degree heat, the grid couldn't take it...

me: i have only BEGUN to fight!!!

Jen R: okay but it's gonna be a wait. i'll be back on Instagram in 2 years. not for you. for my art. my pencil-sketch art.

me: Jen look, i'm at the Brewster McCloud spot, that's OUR Brewster McCloud spot. but at 3 PM. it's 3 PM, Jen!!! 3 PM is a weird vibe...

Mary Magdalene: there is something worse than being a prostitute.

The Whore of Babylon: being a whore for free...

Jen R: the couple that goes on a game show together stays together.

me: Flip Side got wacky.

Jen R: a crying baby? but what if it's YOUR crying baby? a second scoop of cold pasta is a GOOD thing.

Melissa Maker: but you have to stay on Instagram A LONG-ASS TIME in case there's a romantic possibility in the far future...

cyberpunk: it's not just swimming around in 100 black bags of garbage on the street.

William Gibson: ...

woman who eventually takes off her glasses: i'll pull up the file on Martin Yan, he's the head of the 108 Dragons...

Crying Freeman: the coolest computer mouse was the first computer mouse...

Steve Jobs: NOOOOO!!! the coolest computer mouse was the Macintosh 128K mouse!!!

meetings: just a way to get to lunch.

ABBA: we sing the Red Dwarf theme song...

me: what is Heaven if not cuddling with Jen Reynolds?

Jen R: Heaven ain't a bed of clouds.

Dirg: it's kinda fun to hit on women on Instagram whom you have 0% chance of getting. break the cardinal rule, ask them out on a date in the comments...

Melissa Maker: MMM.

me: MMMM, Melissa Maker Morning Meditations.

Melissa Maker: MMM, Melissa Maker Mess, you know, one of those messes that can only be cleaned up with the hand-vacuum on your keychain...

dirt devil: i'm not a cute tornado.

Dr. Robbins: i spew my psychiatric philosophy all over Instagram, 40 posts a day, but get me alone in my DMs and i'm a man of few words, i answer everything you ask with fine. good day.

Jen Pizarro: i am Jen P. i am Jen Prime Mover.

walking the bank parking lot when your Wells Fargo card finally doesn't get spit out: priceless. it's a victory walk.

Luigi: nothing in my socks but handwritten letters i wrote to myself.

Mario: you've been staying out in the sun too long. the desert sun with that long-ass Slinky cactus monster.

Luigi: you shouldn't even be wearing socks during the sand level...

Skins: the meaning of life is friends.

The Golden Girls: we did that in the '80s...

Stephen A. Smith: i would have taken a swing at LeBron.........i have enough money to pay for a doctor now...

Johnny Depp: are you kidding me? you could never have acted the COMPLICATED role Leonardo DiCaprio performed in What's Eating Gilbert Grape where he pretended to be fucked in the head.

Corey Feldman: why not? i'm a junkie so i just had to act like me...

me: you're the peanut butter to my jelly.

Jen R: i like horseradish.

Dorothy in The Big O: i have the Rinnegan...

Julia Ioffe: hey, everyone on Instagram has switched to Private.

Michael Weiss: i know, it's over.

Moby "Raining Again": Ollie Wride "Back to Life".

Madonna: ...

Val Kilmer in Real Genius: it's called a deely bobber...

i take off Sylux's heavy helmet to reveal a beautiful ashen female face with purple eyes overflowing with welling tears.

Sylux: i am not well. my arm is KILLING me right now. it's not an arm anymore, it's a piece of beef jerky. but that's not why i have such a pained look on my young face.

Thumbelina: don't cry, babe. don't sweat men, honey. i'll set you up with your DREAM WOMAN: Motoko Kusanagi!!! you two can start a nice family...

Sylux: i don't want to run from people anymore, i want a person. i want to fight in a lovers' quarrel. i just want my life to be cool booties from now on. 

TWO LOSERS TOGETHER: JUMPING LINKS

 

Thumbelina: i'm taking you to an authentic Colombian restaurant.

me: we're doing this online, now THAT is a trick.

Thumbelina: nice place, huh.

me: is the inside real? don't tell me.

Thumbelina: we start off with a first course to make you fat.

a silver grill is dropped in the center of the table.

Thumbelina: you've heard of Mexican jumping beans? well these are Colombian jumping mini-sausages!!!

me: oh yeah that's cool. you try to turn the sizzling sausages on their side like Martin Yan instructs but they have such a tiny surface area they just start DANCING.

Thumbelina: open your mouth.

me: isn't that the man's line?

Thumbelina: let the sausage DANCE in your mouth!!!

me: that's DEFINITELY the man's line!!!

Boc: i prefer the kielbasa on Alameda.

Jack Tripper: like Panda Express with the flying food. Jack's Bistro had to relocate to the mall food court.

me: and for drink we get these great waters.

Thumbelina: no that's vodka that tastes like 7 Up.

me: and for dessert these cool little cute tiny square things!!!

Thumbelina: yeah that's Dubai chocolate. 

me: mustard in the middle?

Thumbelina: the filling is pistachios. everyone thinks pistachios are brown but they're green...

me: i am so uncultured. that's why we're together.

Thumbelina: you'd be lost without me...

JFK: why is there no United States silver dollar?...

MAMIL: mammal...

Kitty Dukakis: what could have been...

Greykid: i know. i coulda been a housecat...

Ear Horn: bibliomancy is necromancy for nerds.

Gwyneth Paltrow: i look like Lauren Bacall now...

Meadow Soprano: i was out and they pulled me back in!!! i was the neighborhood air-hockey champion. but NOOO, Robert De Niro needed me to play his mob daughter in a bit part. 1 second on screen.

James Gandolfini: sorry for wrecking your air-hockey table, pookums, i thought it was your brother's Ms. Pac-Man...

Crazy Otto: you gotta relax, boss.

Robert De Niro: this underground den is GROOVY, very Old Italy '70s. the shag carpet matches my drapes. 

Gandolfini: and my mob moustache.

100 degrees: power.

100 mph winds: no power.

Jen R at Flip Side: but a single man wouldn't care about Christmas morning...

Uruk-hai: i mean Orc just sounds cooler.

Lindy Lenz: at the top of your grocery list each week i write the header as:

Lindy Lenz: wanna come over? i'm naked.

and then you write your list of groceries below. just a little something to remember me by.

me: it's the only thing i have left to remember you.

Lindy: remember, get only the One Piece eggs, the hardboiled eggs...

Instagram DM: this space is used for going off on a tangent...

me: i'm glad you were having a terrible life, or i wouldn't have met you.

Jen R: thanks?

Michael Weiss: if you're on Instagram, you're not having a good life...

Aliens.

James Cameron: when the guy takes himself and Vasquez out with a grenade, that was symbolic of how i wanted desperately to leave Pinewood Studios...

Vasquez: the grenade guy with the bandaged head looked like James Cameron!!!

SB: spacestation basement, superbitch, Ripley, the Mama Xenomorph, Bill Paxton...

Bill Paxton: got any quarters?.........both meanings...

Ripley: i tell no one my middle name. my mother doesn't know my middle name.

Ripley: this gun has a better blue pilot light than my '80s oven.

David Cronenberg: come on, you can tell that's a guy in a xenomorph rubber suit.

Hicks: don't mind me, i'm catatonic because i drank the goofy juice.

Bishop: why do artificial humans, synthetic humans, always have creepy smiles?

Data: why can't androids just smile naturally?

Paul Reiser: i was the real villain of Aliens.

William Gibson: i wrote the REAL Alien 3. i tried to make Bishop as likable and fun-loving as Data. just the Bishop torso. i gave Bishop a family. Data never had a family, right? well there was Lal, that ending made us all cry.

Data: i cried real human tears when my daughter died. Lal was just like her mother.

Jen R: the whole concept of Lal made me cry. the whole Lal storyline made me cry. this idea of Data having a daughter is just terribly tearjerking.

Blond Rambo: okay my Rockhopper...

Jackie Fitzgerald: that's not a bike, that's a penguin, like your namesake Gunter the penguin from Adventure Time.

Ice King: Gunter is not my servant, Gunter is my only best friend.

Gunter: i am Ice King's best only friend...

Trent Reznor: your desk looks like my Downward Spiral album cover.

me: yeah that sticker just wouldn't come off, i tried everything...

Melissa Maker in a Spring sweater with a giant daisy: have you tried the iron?

Jacques Pepin aboard a Cunard ship: i had to be a French pirate in the '70s when my first restaurant went underwater, both meanings. i did it to feed my family.

Gloria Pepin: the numbers were underwater. fuck this French shit. i'd tell you to cook the books but we're underwater!!!

Claudine Pepin: papa, so that piece-of-eight you gave me to bite on when i was 8 was real gold? not chocolate?

Jacques Pepin: it's pronounced cha-co-LAHT. i had a black Jolly Roger flag bumper sticker on my '70s Peugeot next to my PBS bumper sticker.

Serano: i can help out Loungemind's homelessness, he can stay at my adobe villa on the aqua Sardinia coast. Florida? you know i live in Italy...

Ralph Bakshi: if you can smile right before your death, it was a good life...

Nana Visitor: why are all your Spicy City voice actress from '90s Star Trek?

Ralph Bakshi: we shared the same studio, it was walking distance.

Nana Visitor: there was no warmer feeling in your heart than when you were watching me as Kira Nerys in Deep Space Nine in the '90s.

Minecraft: don't you love when you mistype a word in Google Search and that mistype ends up being a real show?...

TGL is to golf as pickleball is to tennis.

Roger Federer: i'd high-five you but you're dating Trump, bro.

Tiger Woods: ...

me: text any series of words and we can get back to normal.

Jen R: cuddle love

me: it's like the past 2 years never happened.

Jen R: sex is sex, but cuddle love is real love.

Jaleel White: a true friend compliments you, but more importantly, complements you...

Dirg: i love your mom.........i know that sounds weird but i mean it in the most completely innocent way possible...

we get home and i'm still grumbling to do.

Thumbelina: you still want to eat? you still want to COOK?!!! but Colombian food fills you up, don't believe that Gabriel Garcia Marquez myth.

me: i still want that fine-dining restaurant experience. help me turn on this stovetop. how many knobs?

Thumbelina: probably just one. do you know how to boil water?

me: i don't want to hurt the water.

Thumbelina: what brand is your microwave?

me: you know i never thought about it.

Thumbelina: GE, it's a General Electric microwave. how is your pot positioned?

me: what do you mean?

Thumbelina: is the handle facing towards you, away from you, or to the side of you?

me: i love you. SEE?!!! THIS is why we're together. you notice things i can only dream of. 

Thumbelina: it's my vantage point.