VILLAGE COUNCIL: BURGER KING MAKES SHOES?

 

the councilmembers one by one take their seats until the table is full and round. Mr. Farthington speaks for the group:

Mr. Farthington: i can't have any more of your environmental initiatives. my daughter needs trainers. you can only get trainers if we bulldoze the park and erect another mall. do you know what it's like for a teen girl in high school? if she doesn't look good, she can't learn!!!

Jules Smith: keep your toupee on, you portly piece of cheese. that pocketwatch is not doing you any favors.

Mr. Farthington: but the peppermint lining...

Jules: what type of shoes are we talking about here, pops?

Mr. Farthington: BK.

Jules: Burger King makes shoes?

Catherine Tate: right?

Mr. Farthington: no, British Knights. you should know this!!!

Jules: i've been barefoot since birth.

Estella Warren: no you see my boyfriend and i were recreating that Lemon Pledge scene from Family Guy...

StaceyRPG after listening to "Cherub Rock": *fanning herself* oh baby. that riff. i think i just had sex.

Billy Corgan: can you tell that to D'arcy? she's the one who played the riff!!!...

24 Hour Party People.

Gillian Gilbert: i wrote all the lyrics...

12-inch: it take big balls to continue with this format.

Mick Hucknall: there's no one in the crowd in this room. is it because i'm a ginger?

Steve Coogan: yes, you drank too much Coke Classic.

cobblestone street vagrant: obviously i have the most wisdom here because i'm the only person in this movie who's actually LIVED. Charles Dickens had wheels for balls. mutability means we can never experience anything...

Bez: we're in a band solely for the chow mein.

Manchester: can we go back to Ancient Rome? we miss the aqueducts, there's no clean water here. give the Florence Renaissance paintings to London but let us keep the Hacienda for our Taco Bell. bouncing bombs don't explode.

raves: start the kids early...

Happy Mondays: we were happy because of the hookers. a bus hooker is a very special type of woman. a bus hooker appreciates indie music.

bus hookers: we thought this was the New Order bus. we wanna fuck Gillian and start a girl band. what kind of stupid name is the Happy Mondays?... 

Steve Coogan: cocaine is a suit's drug, it got Charlie Sheen...

flirting: postmodern Postmates, the DoorDash of dating.

fairground ride: the one Mr. Bean DOES get on...

Pennines: call for pasta in the snow.

zinc roof: where Tony Hawk has sex.

Steve Coogan: we did make some beer-fueled techno music but it didn't sell...

Kermit the Frog: guns coming from bicycles is not the world Jim Henson wanted.

drug dealers: we're only gonna let people who have E in the club, not the hot girls...

heavy coffin: the weight of a speedball. a speedball becomes a wrecking ball. Shamu needed no straps...

Barbados: there's heroin but it's inside the coconuts. you can get methadone only at the airport...

Ibiza: not a place to record music, a place to get AWAY from music...

Steve with DAT tape: so this is just 20 minutes of a Hawaiian Punch commercial...

Simon Cowell: Pat Sajak gets pussy, that's all i'm gonna say.

Tony Wilson: i mean i do like saying the name Boethius.

Vini Reilly: disrespected again.

Suzy Lu: a Kentucky. see? everyone in the UK and Ireland, for some reason, LOVES KFC!!!...

dandelion clock: the time is always Zero in the wind.

inbetween the strobe lights of the dance club, Tony from Skins is pogo-ing...

Boc: walking everyday: good for your lungs, but your neck gets sunburned...

Kinpachi Sensei: the Japanese Mr. Kotter.

Gabe Kaplan: imagine me with a fro, brown tweed suit, orange corduroy pants, and a samurai sword in my hand.

Fareed Zakaria: i've never felt more lonely than when i was watching that '80s anime movie...

Tales from the Darkside "Anniversary Dinner": the Bob's Burgers original pilot as a live-action...

Coen Brothers: or a Looney Tunes live-action. a jacuzzi you slice some carrots, white potatoes, and purple onions into.

Leslie Sbrocco: what a waste of wine!!! don't dump wine into a jacuzzi, drink wine on the surface of the jacuzzi...

Progresso pastina soup: Campbell's chicken & stars soup for adults.

elephant: 2 YEARS PREGNANT?!!! i'm only doing that if Rock Hudson fucks me so hard he becomes a woman.

James Blake: your tennis-stringer machine, dropweight or crank?

Jannik Sinner: crank but i do not use drugs...

tennis: tennis is the world's healthiest sport.

Roger Federer: not when i was playing Rafael Nadal at the French Open!!!

me: if i kissed 1975 Joyce Bulifant...

Jen R: a Joyce Bulifant Kiss, on the lips.

Joyce Bulifant: ...magic would enter your life. you have fallen in love with me ever so slowly, ever so imperceptibly. i'm what a REAL Chicken of the Sea mermaid looks like. you have started to like tuna for the first time in your life. worry not, lover, i shall never turn into Jessica Simpson.

YMCA in the '80s: that MUSTY smell of the dirty towels...

Jules Smith pushes the red button and the sprinklers in the village-council building which is just one room made of straw all go off from the ceiling overhead. each councilperson gets SOAKED.

Jules Smith: you see? it's impossible to be mad at somebody when they're dripping wet. 

Mr. Farthington: the water has cooled my temper. splendid that. jolly good show and my mouth is all agog and all that regional shit.

Jules: now we can all carefully and calmly consider my proposal. we're not humans anymore, we're plants. think how the other side feels. what would a tree say now? 

  

   

VILLAGE COUNCIL: GAVEL

 

Jules Smith is now in charge. she's the head of the village council. me being her eternal right-hand man i do the odds and ends for her riding my Kermit bicycle on the only grass road delivering her pronouncements and missives. 

Jules Smith: do you like being my helper? my assistant?

me: i like being around you at all times.

Jules: look at this big-ass wood gavel!!! that's why i do this, for the gavel.

me: as i was strolling i got the sense that the village was experiencing a collective anger. people are mad.

Jules: we Brits ARE mad. but why so serious?

me: your new initiative for the environment, not exactly popular among the rabble masses. 

Jules: oh they'll come around once they get a load of me, you'll see. i ain't scared of no people, i only fear chocolate on English muffins. if you don't have butter, at least spread with marmalade and cheese. i don't get it, what is there to be in a tiff about? a village has no concerns. everyone has slept with the village blacksmith, their china is set.

me: the term "sleeping with."

Jules: it had to have come from The Canterbury Tales, right? the image of two strangers sleeping in the same box-bed, piously taking a nap together on the straw, no sex, the Medieval Church is watching.

me: i'm stressed.

Jules: have a full-bar Crunch chocolate bar, it calms the frayest nerve.

Carolita Fraley on Match Game '75: imagine Shelley Duvall with blonde hair and she became a Baptist minister because her father Stanley Kubrick was a Satanist...

24 Hour Party People.

Ian Curtis: you're gonna see my humorous side...

Peter Hook: the FUN SIDE of Joy Division.

Icarus: hang-gliding is NOT better than sex. unless it brings the next Zelda game faster.

Jen R and dad: read more.

insurance: still doesn't cover the meaning of death.

Pee-wee Herman: who jumped up first and started the Pogo dance?...

television: the idiot box, and your only friend.

Mr. Tony: nah you don't want to be conceited like Tony Stark. 

if you disappear: you can be a legend longer...

avant-garde New Wave indie spoken-word: give it a chance, all music is bad poetry in the end...

Steve Coogan: we're British men, we have sex with our clothes on.

nothing useless can be truly beautiful: sounds like something Nietzsche would say...

Jen R: remember co-ops at Berkeley?

Buddha: you cannot record silence with a microphone on a hill, only with your heart. 

Joe Downing: put your dirty laundry inside the drumhead!!!

William Butler Yeats: my first bestseller came was when i was 100 years old like Robert Crumb.

3-Day Week: maybe not such a good idea...

epileptic seizure: not spastic. blood in the mouth is new...

Donald Duck: and suddenly this is Babe. i herd sheep, it's the only job i could find after the Navy caught me not wearing any pants.

Jules Smith: loving postcard!!!

Ian Curtis: the town crier was a bit fancy. i'd like to keep this quiet. just get some grey-shirted bloke in an office mailing a letter, that's more urban-decay. 

Pee-wee Herman: the pigeons turned into claymation Playhouse pigeons.

elephant chap: i'm OLD, mate. not a kid. small and old. Ewoks lead depressing lives.

the cost of beauty: if only it was as simple as a Dove bath bar...

Bernard Sumner: yeah so Joy Division was SO depressing we decided to switch to more bright poppy songs...

Tony Hawk: i'm taking my married name so from now on please call me Tony Cobain.

Three's Company: remember when people actually READ at the breakfast table?

Jen R: a medical magazine with your sunny-side-up eggs, that Terri had a good head on her shoulders.

Princess Di: i was the intern doctor in that "Love Butt Tattoo" episode of Three's Company...

van de Zandschulp vs. Mpetshi Perricard: the chair umpire is getting hazard pay with this announcing workout...

Jenny Baranick: peripatetic is not a pathetic word. it just means you haven't found your place in the world yet, you're a permanent nomad.

Mariah Carey: i have a song caked "Without You" and a song called "With You." it's not that i can't make up my mind, it's that Carson Daly was taken.

Erling Haaland: i would have made that header if i had cut off this silly topknot on my head. 

Jules Smith: i've never seen you with your hair let-down and long. relax, big man, let down your hair, you minger.

Erling: i'll need a Ferrari for that.

Vincent van Gogh: i just realized, putting JUST your art on an Instagram page is BORING AS DIRT...

The Wherehouse: your first exposure to music...

Xoe: and your first exposure to a green-haired girl named Xoe who exposed herself to you behind the counter.

Jen R: i'm your dad in female form...

Boomer Esiason: i mean i'm going into the Bengals Hall of Fame and they greet me at the door with a Fun Pack mini-box of Frosted Flakes cereal.

dad: Esiason back...

Boomer: not now, dude.

dad: that's dad.

Goku: we most stop fighting.

Vegeta: but Saiyans RELISH fighting.

Goku: no i mean we must stop arguing...

Brooke Trantor: improve your improv.

Suzy Lu: anybody can be a YouTuber. but you really do need to be hot or it won't go anywhere...

Pippi Longstocking: in Sweden in 2025 parents still let their 8-year-old children out to play. there are no abductions in Sweden, everyone lives on their own grassy hill. how do you think i had all those adventures when i was a kid?!!!

Gavin Newsom: i'm not just here to make some news...

Brett Somers: i was in the very first wig-pulling bitch fight on Jerry Springer with Betty White...

Midwall: REALLY needed this for the Titans...

Jules Smith: listen with me. the wind is starting to rustle at night. we've crossed the midnight threshold. we've had our first Black Moon, which is the second moon we need. the Earthmother is starting to listen to her children, to her lowly souls, the world is starting to cool. a large batch of cold air is coalescing at the poles and is about to be sent on a wave to our village via the moon. the cold is INSIDE the moon!!! LOOK UP!!!

me: that's nice, that'll quench the restless natives. i love how your council table is a roundtable.

Jules: a longtable is too corporate. a roundtable is equal and Arthurian. King Arthur was the first women's-libber.

me: the council members approacheth!!! gird your loins with a Monty Python chastity belt!!! 

Jules lays out one donut at each place by each of the 13 chairs of the council table.

me: i'll lay out if you want, i don't need a chair.

Jules: poppycock!!! i'll protect you from farm demons. it's impossible to be angry when you have a donut in front of you. now remember to place a drop of Tabasco sauce on Mr. Farthington's donut, he likes that sweet heat.

CUTTING YOUR HUSBAND'S BEARD: MY BED IS MY JOB

 

me: why can't life just be me in my bed?

Melissa Maker: with crusted cum?

me: me and all the women i've ever known in my life in my bed.

Melissa: i don't stand corrected.

me: i'm lying down, too. 

Melissa: you wish.

Jen R: if you love someone, let them sleep.

craft service: food craft...

General God: it's about the size of a 1-cent stamp...

Bo Jackson: Bo Know. but did anyone ever bother to make the time to Know Bo?

Rose from The Golden Girls: did you know we were part of Jiggle TV?...

Reccoa: kiss me.

Char Aznable: ...

Reccoa: WITH your sunglasses on.

Reccoa later in her room by herself: i mean DAMN, finally i kiss the unicorn hunk, what was he waiting for? my older-woman wiles don't work on blonds? i don't have time for this shit, we're both older people...

Doan's: it'll still make you sneeze...

Melissa Maker: I REFUSE TO WEAR THE SAME SHIRT TWICE!!! i have a thing with shirts and washing machines...

me: does this machine wash silk pillowcases?

Melissa: but of course, mon frere. shit, i'm supposed to be making your bed LESS appealing.

me: i'll let it go this time because Blissy is so fun to say.

grasshopper stridulation: ASMR...

Jen R: using a toaster as a mirror, now that's old-skool...

Barrie Youngfellow: i married the grocery-gameshow guy.

Sam Snead the golfer: Supermarket Sweep!!! the little woman and i watch every night!!! we can't get into Jeopardy, Alex Trebek's mustache made me sneeze when i went for that 3-foot putt...

"Whom Shall I Send?" song.

I'm the Lord of sea and sky

I have made my people cry...

Lindy Lenz on youtube: i think that song is called "Here I Am, Lord..."

Sarah: stuff in the refrigerator LASTS ONE DAY...

Pati Jinich: BROWN AVOCADOS, not green avocados, those are the ripe avocados. want me to blow your mind at my backyard barbacoa barbecue? you don't need a sunhat in Connecticut. okay i'll give you another one: spaghetti with avocado ain't a Mediterranean dish, it's a Mexican dish!!! in fact it's an Ancient Aztec dish, vato.

Xoxo: the only woman who gets to call me vato is God. leave that rack of unspiced tri-tip in my backpocket and i'll one-up you with this: every pipe in Mexico is an ocarina...

Kurt Cobain: the Seattle Mariners uniforms should be powder-blue...

Olmec: we tamed the Mortal Kombat symbols for Legends of the Hidden Temple...

Mrs. Talbot: i played the wedding organ on the Three's Company series finale...

Jack Tripper: the '80s were the last decade men wore pajamas...

dad wearing pajamas: ...

Larry: and the FIRST decade men cried on camera and admitted they had "feelings" when their best friends left with Vicky.

Vicky: the new "going away for the weekend" in the '70s is "living together" in the '80s...

woman on Match Game '75: you're mesmerized by my long hippie hair and paisley silk shirt. husband, 2 kids, homemaker, yada yada yada. i'm studying theology at San Diego State...

Tremfya: a diner inside a gas station?...

tennis: bring back badminton!!! not pickleball. let there be badminton clubs dotting up all across the American landscape...

Love Story alternate title: Racquetball and Atheism.

i fly up from my bed and scurry around the sky interrupting the clear blue.

me: but you see how i'm flying? the tip of my long flowing beard is like the apex of a plane, this apex is swinging me up down all around from that highest point. it's a very uncomfortable way to fly.

Melissa Maker: your cheekbones must hurt like the motherfucking dickens. and there's no peanuts. well that's a neat trick and all but you still land in your bed in the end so what's the point?

me: exactly.

Melissa: well i'm off.

me: you've never once gotten off during our marriage. where're you going?

Melissa: to my job. i'm a wife, not a miracle worker... 

 

CUTTING YOUR HUSBAND'S BEARD: BLOCK OF ICE

 

me: I'M FREE!!! but i'm still stuck.

Melissa Maker: yeah your body is chair-shaped, your body is a giant L.........do i have to do everything here? because you're a loser.

me: yes. so i'm gonna need your help to get me normal.

Melissa: shit. that's gonna take forever. i don't have that time. okay look, here's something i picked up when i was shopping at Kohl's, it's a neck exercise that could screw you loose. SAY yes while shaking your head. SAY no while nodding your head. 

me: this is way harder than it looks. this is a true mindfuck, your head and your brain are not meant to work together this way, the mixed signals are frying my synapses.

Melissa: now you know how i felt on our dates.

me: thank you. just place my block-of-ice body on a slant against our marital bed so i can gaze up at the ceiling which is awesomely painted dark purple. you know, this is like the G-Rated version of Boxing Helena...

scrubbing buggles: a Monty Python thing...

Dreamscape.

Christopher Plummer: without nukes, America is Africa!!!

Kate Capshaw: the old lady's having a heart attack!!! 

Max von Sydow: see the thing is we never thought this would happen. there's no crash cart in the building. i could rob William Shatner's house for medical supplies.

David Patrick Kelly: let go of me or you'll pull out a stump.

Dennis Quaid, puzzled: what does that mean? your penis is a nub?

Chris: here Tommy, take this cocaine, it'll make you feel like a Bruce Lee ninja.

George Wendt: whaddya mean, i LOVE this clandestine spy stuff!!! okay i'm taking a chance here but i'm removing my St. Louis Cardinals cap and putting on this Montreal Expos cap...

Dennis: X-Files men!!! quick!!! let's pretend we're cheerleaders!!! damn you!!! you killed Norm!!! you canceled Cheers!!!

George: you cannot kill Norm, the spirit of Norm lives on in every entrance...

Dennis: it's a good thing these old Buick Continentals have a backseat footswitch that opens the backdoor...

Kate: president of the stamp club. 

Dennis in a phonebooth: i love you.

Kate: let's see if we have a 4th date first.

Dennis: i'm getting you a Yamaha bike for your birthday.

Dennis: hay will not get in my way. my horse pics are so good they were featured in an episode of It's a Living...

Jen R: don't you miss a college campus at night? the QUIET, the grasshopper stridulations, the WIDE grey paths illuminated by ball streetlamps.

Freddy Krueger: that's disgusting, dude. i take Qunol for heart health.

DPK: dream warriors, come out to PLAY-YAY!!! wait, how did you heal from my snakebite?

Dennis: Orihime.

DPK: wait, psychopaths don't say sorry...

Blair: i'm assuming this big-titted woman is not my wife...

conductor: and i do mean TRIP...

Jimmy Connors: a Tuesday tennis final? tennis is weird now.

Gene Rayburn: you should play Mario.

Avery Schreiber with Dorito bits in his mustache: who's Mario?...

Gene: when the contestant guesses the Super Match right by herself rejecting all 3 of the celebrities' answers, she kisses ME!!!

Patti Deutsch: i went to the same mime college as Debralee Scott...

Melissa stays with me in my frozen condition in the room as she flips through a Back-to-School Magazine.

Melissa Maker: tell me your dreams.

me: that is such a corny line. very well. if you must.

Melissa: before you forget.

me: Judge Judy accosts me in the parking lot where they film Match Game '74 and tells me she misses me.

Melissa: you know Judge Judy is my aunt, right? i mean Judge Judy does kind of look like Brett Somers, so i see you working, AI. AI controls our dreams now, right? and the other one?

me: well there was this whole love campaign in Hollywood, these two reality stars were on every magazine cover, Keith and Kerry, they had every single one of their dates at the mall, it was all filmed at the Sherman Oaks Galleria for the American public to consume like rabid dogs. even after having a baby the couple still had all their dates at the mall. 

Melissa: all they ate was Gerber's pizza.

me: apparently Kerry was more into it than Keith. now Keith looks like Luke from Luke & Laura but if Luke's perm was straightened. and bald.

Melissa: and Kerry looks like if Susan Sullivan had stayed on It's a Living instead of messing up her hair permanently for Falcon Crest. and a potbelly.

Piccolo: i'm getting too old for this shit.

Neil deGrasse Tyson: but i'm older than the universe.

Madame Pons: there's gotta be a way to gin-up sales of cold cream at LUSH.

Ear Horn: choose a nice witchy name, dearie, call it vanishing cream...

Jan: why do you fall in love with all the chefs?

Nancy Beebe: because they're there. OF COURSE you're gonna fall in love and marry your coworker, who else do you spend time with?!!!

Nietzsche: who else is there? i'm tired of the Paris cafe scene...

Anya Taylor-Joy: see it's fun being an actress and everything, but when you have to play Joni Mitchell, THEN suddenly it gets nerveracking, my heart's in my throat, and i start biting my nails...

energy vampires: we're not goth...

Jen R: me? Barrie Youngfellow? Jan, Jen, oh NOW i get it...

Laraine Newman: i play Barrie Youngfellow in The Ann Jillian Story...

Billy Corgan: i got the title for Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness from the Tales from the Darkside episode "Everybody Needs a Little Love..."

divorced man's refrigerator: empty. one bottle of scotch where the milk should be...

divorced man: the meaning of life is woman.

divorced woman: i'm still picky but i don't want to be alone...

Melissa Maker: okay i gotta run.

me: don't leave me.

Melissa: not in the macro sense, i gotta go to the store to pick up some parsnips and Trader Joe's lemon-lime drink. want anything?

me: i'm getting used to being a statue. i want to hug you and hog you for all your kindness to me but i can only shake your hand with my long flowing beard.

Melissa: i'll take it!!! i've been waiting for our marriage to be this. this is so Robert Crumb.

Robert Crumb: and you thought anything in a Robert Crumb comic couldn't be done live-action...