Bede: so your name is Julie Patzwald?
Julie Patzwald: like my Sigue Sigue Sputnik socks?
Bede: better than facepaint. you goth people scare me.
Julie: but we're the best fuckers. i get terrible headaches.
Bede: is this a sex thing? honey, i have a headache, not tonight? i wouldn't know.
Julie: come on, doc, it's not like that. these headaches are horrible, not grotesque. i really need your help. in the morning in the shower i use only ONE soap: charcoal soap. only charcoal soap gives me the feel of EFFERVESCENCE. plus as a goth i naturally gravitate towards this soap's darkness.
Bede: do the showers help with the headaches?
Julie: yes but i gotta take 3 showers a day, it's a waste of water.
Julie: you really need to get in the shower with me for a hands-on approach to the problem. i need to be completely naked. call it fieldwork.
Bede: where?
Julie: if we use the monastery showers you MUST call me Sister Iren.
Bede: nuthin' doin', sister. i want to but.........i can't, i just can't, if i did that i couldn't be a monk anymore...
Julie: you'd be something better, you'd be a person.
the two take a moonlit stroll down the monastery's hill trail.
Julie: don't you miss the outside?
Bede: no.
Julie: i love this time of year, the wintertimes, when the nights are LONG. the darkness.
Bede: the Winter Solstice is coming up.
Julie: the Winter Solstice is my favorite day, because it is a night, the sun rises at 6:00AM and sets at 6:30 AM...
Lars von Trier: the George Michael "Freedom '90" music video, everyone glosses over the bloodletting!!!
George Michael: you like the tea kettle at the end? very British...
me: you need to back-rub my neck.
Jen R: oh jesus. i say oh jesus a lot and i'm Jewish.
me: we all say that no matter our religion, it's a universal swear word.
Encyclopedia Brown: imagine me wearing a blue beanie.
Tavo Smear my dorm roommate at Berkeley with the bad skin and love of Bay Area punk rock: it's possible to wear glasses with a beanie. the glasses go UNDER the beanie, if the glasses are over it's silly.
Sid and Nancy.
Johnny Rotten: you like how i sing? you like my singing style? how i roll my Rs. how i emphasize the WRONG SYLLABLE of the word...
Sex Pistols: are we hardcore punk rock?
Tavo Smear: not by a longshot. you could never hope to be Operation Ivy.
Johnny Rotten: British streets were harder than American streets in the '70s. because of the press. the only thing good about your Washington, D.C., is Minor Threat.
Tavo: i'm Avo but top-tier. college is top-tier.
Johnny Rotten: the only thing top about your college is that you were a bottom there. notice how i'm more interesting than Sid Vicious...
Rod Stewart: yep, that's me slamdancing in the crowd.
Johnny Rotten: we're the Sex Pistols because we don't have sex.
Sid Vicious: we may be punks, but at least we don't throw a glass bottle at a coach's head from the stands after a Honduras/Mexico soccer match...
Jen R: Spare Rib the zine!!! i edited the Berkeley version of the UK classic original.
Robert Crumb: i wanted to draw for Spare Rib but i was a man. John Cleese on the cover got me depressed.
in the white room.
Freddie Mercury: no drugs here, this mustache is natural.
Gwen Stefani: i'm only here to find a British husband...
Mr. Belvedere: don't punk up this fine hotel, chaps, it has curved doors.
best way to handle American cowboys: handgun. that is, use just your hand, not a gun.
Sid Vicious: there really needs to be automatic sliding doors on these things...
Sid Vicious: American airplanes, they never have a pack of cocaine peanuts.
Jon Hamm: Sid baby!!! it's me, Jon Hamm!!! i need braces for my girlfriend...
at the Amadeus fever-dream concert.
Sid Vicious growling the song: Frank Sinatra did it MY way!!!
Johnny Rotten: take that crown of thorns off your head, Nancy Sponge Spunk, you ain't no Jesus!!!
Mrs. Helen Roper: Stanley and i are the Mertzes if they were hippies.
Ethel Mertz: except for one thing: you love Mr. Roper...
Hero on Dragon Ball: i'm disguised not as Akira Toriyama but as Woody Allen...
Capp: i'm the same person i was yesterday.........but yesterday is gone...
Moana: but can we not call it a wet ride?
Walt Disney: i have nightmares about this wet ride, it reminds me of when the studios where i was drawing Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs flooded...
Moana: you gotta go at night to get the full Vaporwave effect of the water dances...
Walt Disney: i did Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs all by myself...
6: the rarest of plastic...
Martin Yan: fold the bacon into itself when you cook the bacon in the wok, like a pretty bow.
Optimus Prime: i REFUSE to work for Elon Musk!!!...
Jerry Jones: at least Cowboys Stadium is still God's Eye...
Jeanie Buss: yeah the Jay Mohr thing, he stays on the bottom.........we don't have sex, he lives on the bottom floor of our island manson. i live on the top floor.
Jay Mohr: i married you to get back on SNL.
Kyle Mooney: right? don't you love how i'm just back in the SNL cast?...
mustard: it's not a fart, it's mustard squeezing...
Bugs Bunny: if we had organic carrots in the 1930s we would have saved many more people during the Great Depression...
Olivia on last night's Night Court: nobody was upset that i had left!!! that i was gone forever!!! nobody said anything about me!!! everyone just emotionlessly went on with their lives...
Dan Fielding: i was broken-up over Olivia's departure from Night Court. broken up that we broke up. i shed tears in private in my study. i felt grief in New Orleans, Louisiana, when i thought about Olivia. why doesn't Wendie Malick have kids? to protect me from her...
Kurt Cobain at Nirvana Unplugged: did you notice? "About a Girl" is the first song, Lead Belly's "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" is the last song, both songs are about a girl...
Talia: the cat-clippers for our nails are on the mail desk...
Kawhi Leonard: i'm here.
David Foster Wallace on a tennis court: break out the can-opener serve ONCE a match, that's how you win.
Michael Weiss: Instagram is my playground, i can choose ANY pic, ANY video...
Monsignor Navin: Sabrina Carpenter? the only carpenter i know is Jesus's dad...
Sabrina Curzi: remember me, Father?...
Kristina Eifert: people made MAD FUN of my last name at St. Cyril's. Kristina I FART. i had the last laugh, i'm a mother of three who went to Columbia and lives in Woodland Hills. life is not a competition, except on Facebook.
me: Father Navin is what all priests look like, what all priests are, when i think of the word priest i think of Father Navin. i ONLY think of Father Navin.
Father Navin: that, son, is a blessing.
Jen R: maybe it's.........caffeine?
Julie Patzwald: yeah.........that's plausible.........you hit the nail on the head, my headache head.
Bede: see i would have never gotten that, monks are forbidden from drinking coffee. but we can still take showers. cold showers.
Julie: what do i do now?
Jen: you can't drink Coke ever again!!! unless you like headaches, is that like a goth pain thing?
Julie: goths drink Coke, that's all we drink!!! how will i cope without my daily 4PM McDonald's fountain Coke?
Jen: you goths are out in the afternoon? oh yeah, i see you!!! at McDonald's!!!
Jen R takes her new best friend Julie Patzwald to McDonald's at 4PM for a fountain Diet Coke.
Julie Patzwald: it just tastes like Diet Coke...
dad: decaf coffee tastes like USC coffee...
dad: my beautifully brown-stained coffee mug.........from the coffee...
Gary Kildall: that said COMPUTER on the coffee mug. ah, my beloved university cup.
dad: we both had them, those were the days, our college computer days.
Gary: when we WORKED for a college, didn't attend it...