PICKED LAST FOR KICKBALL: QUIET CRISIS

 

17-year-old Brett Somers is feeling it.

Brett Somers: i am depressed.

17-year-old Charles Nelson Reilly: what's the matter, darlin'?

Brett: everyone at school thinks i'm butch.

Charles: join the club, honey. me too. everyone thinks i'm a nancy.

Brett: i did once call you a sissy in front of a crowd but that was only because i wanted to impress the cool kids.

Brett: i got picked last for kickball AGAIN.

Charles: the cool kids are cunts. stick with me, honey, i'm gonna be cool when i'm an adult. i'm going places, i'm gonna contribute THEATRE to the world!!! sports are for sissies.

Robin Williams in Vietnam: i shoulda played Rambo in the live-action movie of the '80s Nintendo Rambo video game...

Ruth Marshall: i wasn't cured of my spine tumor until i had had sex again...

Dianna Russini: i always wondered what it'd be like to date John Belushi...

Puppets Who Kill: a lot of misunderstandings would clear up if puppets checked their messages.

14 oz cup: should never be coffee.

Mel's Diner: ...

Jen R: mending in Mendocino.

Adam: i shall heal your rib so it doesn't hurt to eat.

Eve: and i shall replace Adam's rib with an Eve's Rib so you actually heal.

Ultomiris: you may experience dad mouth...

Virginia Slims in the '70s: the first bitch sticks.

Vlasic: Serbians and Polish people get along...

Aubrey Plaza: the first sex with another man after your ex-husband kills himself is a mindbending experience. it's not just your body bending. my spirit left my body and is yet to return. 13 different emotions SWIRLED inside me while i was upright like a totem.

Linda Lavin: like imagine Richard Karn as a country singer...

one of the Dead End Kids is at the Apple Store at the Del Monte Center in Hell's Kitchen bawling his eyes out.

Dead End Kid: don't you guys ever have sales? don't you guys ever have discount days? i can't afford this insanely expensive iPad and the fellas have outcast me. 

Apple Genius: Apple NEVER has sales...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: i'm like the stand-in for God on planet Earth...

Beth Howland: it is the HARDEST thing to do to film a show's final episode. how does the cast get through it?

Vic Tayback: stow it. fine i'll say it: "Where's the beef?"

F.E. Cochrane: the Mel's Diner set was destroyed many times. 13 times by my count. by various wrecking balls and hot-air balloons and one time by a helicopter...

James Iha: sing "Take Me Down" as a lullaby to yourself when you're having trouble sleeping...

Charles Barkley: my dying wish is to get Skip Bayless in a room, NOT feed him a Gordon Ramsay dog's dinner, the two of us dine on his brother Rick's tilapia with rock salt from the sea. a squeeze of lemon inbetween the ears.

Brooke Nevin: cut along the dotted line of the coupon at the backpage of 5 Animorphs books.

R.L. Stine: it's called proof of fucking reading to get your proof of purchase.

Brooke: use safety scissors, they're paperback books. read at least 5 books so you meet the ENTIRE team. send in the 5 slips in a SASE (self-addressed stamped envelope) to headquarters in Peoria to get your one free square slice of pizza at Pizza Hut.

Pizza Hut: offer good only on Wednesday afternoons at our Peoria location. Pizza Hut wanted kids to read in the '90s!!!

Charles Nelson Reilly hugs Brett Somers.

Brett falls to her knees, scrapes her plaid Lutheran skirt, breaks down and cries for 31 minutes as she smokes her first cigarette.

Brett Somers: you are the first man to ever hug me.

Charles Nelson Reilly: i'm not a man.........i'm a friend.

Brett: the only friend i'll ever have. my father never hugged me, he was too busy flying to Hollywood to be Mickey Mouse's fluffer.

Charles: now now, dry those tears with my toupee. i went bald early. now look at my legs, woman.

Brett: those bald chicken legs?

Charles: that's the spirit. i need to get these legs into my Spring sweatpants, the nice ones, my nice grey sweatpants.

Brett: but you don't jog.

Charles: *twisting her arm* i wanna look good when i do something, come on bitch, follow me to Target...

FREE AIR: GOLFING WITH A JETPACK

 

Inogen on the phone with Santa: no tanks.

Santa on the phone with Inogen: no, thanks!!! thanks!!! i need more backpacks of air!!!

Santa drives Circe to the golf course in a golf cart.

Circe: on the freeway, that was so The Dude.

Santa: watch out for the blind turn around the footbridge.

Circe: don't worry, i have the padlock key. for years i was the only woman allowed at Augusta Golf Club. 

Mother Teresa wearing a dark-blue visor: but then they had to allow me in or they would have really gotten bad publicity...

Santa: with my new chrome backpack of air i can play a leisurely 3-hour round of golf!!!

Circe: that really is the way to do golf: drunkenly walking across the 18 holes in a zen state.

Santa: the rolling hills of grass. peeing in the bunkers. 

cats: they are sand after all. 

the Easter Bunny gives the peace sign with his two fingers, makes these two fingers his new bunny ears, then proceeds to pee in each golf hole.

Easter Bunny: not my fault, the pimento cheese here made my tail fall off.

Santa starts hitting petrified loaves of Easter bread off the tee with his silver golf club like they were golf balls.

Dr. Robbins: hitting a bucket of balls on a Friday, saves on therapy.

Circe: the fuck you doin'? you going in circles.

Santa: i mean does anybody ever actually eat Easter bread on Easter?

Jeff Baena pondering life in a small pit in the underworld: i don't begrudge the dude. 

Christopher Abbott: i tried to make it as tender and healing for her as possible. 

Jeff: yeah, right. you got Aubrey's baby, something i'd been after my whole life. but we never quite did get around to that. we never quite did cross that threshold.

Aubrey Plaza: if you had just been nicer to me in front of my parents that last Thanksgiving...

"Turn Around, Little Girl": you will CRY at this song. even if you don't have kids.

7-Eleven: what are those short thin perforated rectangular napkins used for anyway?

Morrissey: those are skateboarder napkins!!!

bread bags: completely useless. can't keep them closed with that clover-shaped head. the worst bags ever conceived.

Sterling Holloway: i like to make love to Blanche's Europeanly-big butt on the Monorail.........i had to say this in an episode because Golden Girls was owned by Disney at the time...

blueberry cake: it's not moldy...

Billy Corgan: at the end of "Soma" that's me making cat sounds...

Larsa Pippen: four times a day during the Bulls dynasty. i always wondered what that fourth time was for...

Catherine O'Hara: i came to my brother in a dream after my death telling him he was welcome to stay over anytime at the new house i'm renovating right now at this moment...

Catherine O'Hara's brother: i wasn't sure it was Catherine at first because i didn't hear that sarcastic tone.

Catherine: also, i spoke to you clearly, not with garbled muffled symbology. that only happens when the ghosts are Canadian.

Mark Calcavecchia on his cellphone at The Masters: i don't have a car, i have a golf cart. i don't have time to spell my last name for you!!!

fuchsia: NOT Vaporwave...

Matthew Lillard: i was the first guy you saw after Kurt Cobain's suicide...

phlebotomist: we ain't mailmen, if it's raining hard we ain't coming!!!

Cuddles the comfort doll from Puppets Who Kill: at least the image in your head has permanently been changed to me on the cross, which is funny, rather than that poor "Closer" monkey.

Buddha in golf shorts: there can be no meditation without first peeing.

Circe: ready to take a break from this sterling round of yours?

Santa: but i've never played with a handicap.

Circe journeys to the center of the green dragging Santa by his trim ankles to a hot dog cart in the middle of the hole.

Circe: try these, they're my newest bake: Bacon Pockets. they're like Hot Pockets with bacon.

Santa starts chewing the bacon in the pocket loudly and savoringly.

Circe with a soft smile: i told you you tasted good...

FREE AIR: COKE CAKE

 

Santa and Circe are sitting down at Clint Eastwood's The Forge in the Forest restaurant to some lobster and Sprite.

Santa: with my backpack of air i can go to a restaurant and have a leisurely 3-hour lunch!!!

Circe: so what happened between you and Mrs. Claus?

Santa: she didn't want to go on a group date with me.

Circe: if a woman doesn't want to go on a GROUP DATE with you, she REALLY doesn't like you. who was the group date with?

Santa: the elves and Satan.

a waiter in a pink tux sets down a plate of Coke cake in the center of their date.

pink waiter: chocolate milk to wash it down with?

Santa: no thank you, old people like me and Circe don't like chocolate milk.

pink waiter with skateboard hair: i'm calling Meals on Wheels...

Santa: so the cake is made with Coke? how can soda turn into cake?

Circe in crocs: cake is magic like that. 

Santa chewing the cake loud: not bad. you know, let's steal this cake. i'm gonna put the cake in my backpack of air and let's scram, i got a plan. i got a place to go, follow me to the next place...

Jen R: you okay?

me: why?

Jen: you look like if Larry from The Three Stooges had a beard. 

me: you're saying i look weird or cool? no man has ever loved a woman more than i love you.

Jen: and no man has ever hated a city more than you hate Carmel. do you know how you know if you're depressed?

me: how.

Jen: when someone tells a joke, you don't laugh, you say "that's funny."

James Iha: "Mayonaise" shoulda been sung by me, not Billy. i wrote the song after all!!! it would have sounded like "Take Me Down..."

Stu: i've been accused of being a bot IRL, too. i'm used to my stuff not being promoted on platforms for being too real.

Invincible: yeah we bit off more than we could chew there making fun of Picard. we truly thought Invincible was better than Star Trek: The Next Generation but it's not...

Easter Bunny: you play the final basketball game for college the day AFTER Easter? no wonder that game is always poor, the players are all exhausted from worship and filling their bellies with chocolate bunnies, the spirit, and eggs.

the Artemis II crew sipping on pouches of CapriSun Moon Punch with thin flat straws: Pink Floyd playing in the capsule, not Pink Pony Club...

therapist: sorry i have to do this but try this new lip balm...

bacon in Reynolds wrap: Oakland's way.

a falconer waits outside a Petsmart to open at 9. a beautiful WINGSPAN black-with-red-mottled-dots falcon perches on his chainmail gauntlet. 

falconer: let's see if this is a REAL pet store. i gotta figure out why my falcon eats only birdseed, not meat. why is Dragon Ball Z music playing in my head?

Hallmark Channel: our movies are so magical we convince women it's possible to get back together with your ex-boyfriend in a romantic way!!!

Fernando Mendoza: i don't like to go out...

Santa: with this backpack of air i can now go to Safeway and have a leisurely 3-hour grocery shop!!!

Circe: you can drive there, too. buses are 3 hours long. 3 hours is not enough time to inspect EVERY new item at a grocery store.

Santa and Circe are at Safeway with a secret pink box on their head.

Santa: take this Coke cake, have the Safeway bakers in the back look at it to replicate the recipe.

Circe: use a spoon, not a spatula.

Santa: so YOU get the profits, not Clint Eastwood.

Liza smiling that Liza smile: i can stick it to the man by sticking it to THAT man? the man with no name but we all know him all too well.

Circe: go on any good dates lately, girlie?

Liza: oh yes. Andes chocolate creme-menthe mints go GREAT with coffee. my sister Jackie Fitzgerald got a spinach quiche here last morning. spinach quiche is what every middle-aged woman gives to a sick friend.  

 

FREE AIR: PHONK RADIO

 

Santa Claus is fiddling around with the phone calling Inogen.

Santa Claus: just tell me what i need to know, you faggots!!!

Circe enters Santa's house wearing a sarong and flatform shoes.

Santa: oh that is my favorite ensemble on a woman!!! makes a woman look so fucking SEXY.

Circe: any luck?

Santa: yeah i got my backpack of air in the mail this morning, can you help me insert the cannula into my nostrils?

Circe: no i actually think this is a radio. see, you plug the cannula inserts into your ears, they're like air buds.

Santa: omg i can hear PHONK on the radio!!!

Circe: yeah, Matt Pinfield. the knobs on your backpack of air are AM and AM2.

Santa: i'm a new man with this backpack of air in my life. i can go anywhere in town now!!! i need to get some new duds to compete with your threads if we're gonna paint the town red.

Circe: i think i'm a different generation from you, were you asking me out?

Santa: let's go to the mall, i need a WHOLE new wardrobe. 

Circe: yeah, red fluff is out. and itchy.

cats: when you fall asleep, you become just another bed...

church: the only community you got left...

Martin Short: i've had to lean on Meryl Streep more. don't call me Marty ever again.

harass: her ass.

Whitney Cummings: that's it, i got the gig, i'm the new The View co-host. you're back in love with me. i was ON FIRE this week!!!

Judas Iscariot: people confuse me with Lucifer...

blower: a classier way to say phone.

Humphrey Bogart: it's not what you think...

Maria Antonieta Collins: no i'm not fucking the pope. i'm more like his big sis.

Granny Zirconia from Sailor Moon: i'm the real Bloody Mary in the mirror.

Bloody Mary: your future husband will appear behind you in the mirror? well that's a lot nicer than getting a scratch on your cheek!!!

Instagram: hey guys, we're all gonna be single together!!!

RC Cola: you know it's the good stuff when the 12-pack rectangular prism paper carton is all tied together with scotch tape.

Bart Braverman: "How Do I Get from Here to There," that was a Godspell song which has since been lost to antiquity...

the less fortunate: a kind broad way to describe everyone in a halfway house.

Burger King fries: eat them without ketchup, trust me...

me: get off my lawn.

gardener: ...

me: oh, sorry.

friend: unload on me, in a soft voice tell me your problems...

Leslie Sbrocco: i look Jewish but i'm actually Christian...

Meet the Press: the show's not over until the moderator SLAMS her ringfinger on the glass roundtable.

respond in kind: that's not kind.

Puppets Who Kill: it's a Canadian institution.

Santa and Circe are at Millers Outpost in the mall.

Santa PULLS OFF the white security tag on the long short-sleeved shirt and immediately alarms overhead blare, lights on sidewalls flash, and RoboCop comes out from behind the olive-green changing-room curtain shooting lazers at Santa's belly!!!

Circe swoops in to shove Santa out of the way of the lazers.

Santa: what the fuck man, you've taken years off my life, i'm old now!!!

Circe: those things that look like plastic bones are security tags.

Winona Ryder: never rip them off.

Santa: i thought they were candy canes without the red stripe.

RoboCop: *in a robotic voice* halt, criminal. hands off the Hawaiian shirt. hands off the acid-washed ripped jeans.

Circe: i never understood that look for women, jeans with holes in the knees deliberately.

RoboCop: i make the kneeholes with my lazers.

Santa: i know you were just doing your job, you bucket of bolts. i look like you now but i am NOT you. the fright you gave me prolapsed my butthole. 

RoboCop, crying: i am not YOU either, stranger. you get phonk on your radio, i get police...

RoboCop: i can't go to Hawaii, the heat, saltwater, and sand will get in my circuits. 

Circe: sorry about the saltwater thing, that's my doing. can i make it up to you? do you have a penis i can suck?

RoboCop: that's my gun...