THE BOY WHO NEVER TOOK OFF HIS BLUE BEANIE: STARBUCKS TEA

Jen R: where the fuck have you been?

me: i was out looking for my wife. you.

Jen: isn't this Starbucks nice? has a Tron Garden vibe to it.

me: any place that is not my house is a HOPEFUL location. 

Jen: you're stuck at home. GET OUT!!!

me: i have no money.

Jen: then you're not gonna like Starbucks. do you know why i frequent Starbucks?

me: the tea?

Jen: the spice.

Jen R: please pour that piping-hot spicy turmeric coffee in my Space Ghost ceramic mug.

me: i'll have the, um, T-bone coffee?

Jen: who are you, Fred Flintstone? that sounds vile.

me: and your lucid dreams are better than mine, too.

Jen: what was yours last night?

me: it's a Starbucks like this one, sumptuous underground-garden vibe, cyberpunk seed, but it's in Seattle. see the Seattle Starbucks has fish flying from one end of the cafe to the other over the counter over the patrons' heads. the cute 30-year-old fishermen with their stubble play a game of catch with the salmon with the customers with their fish gloves as the public imbibe their brew. there's a lingering smell of clam-egg in the air more than beans. no time for a coffee break, the morning catch still needs to be packed in ice, you know? 

Jen: local flavor. local color. that is so Real World. R.I.P. Sarah Becker. it's not a coffee break unless it's HOT coffee, not iced coffee.

me: yours?

Jen: i'm on an island that only Audrey Hepburn knows. Audrey Hepburn stares at me through her thick sunglasses and SMILES. Audrey Hepburn is holding a rainbow trout in her right hand.

Jen R: why isn't there cappuccino in Keurig cups?

me: ONE step.

Jen: yeah. none of that TWO-step crema nonsense. eggs Benedict, just have microwaveable eggs Benedict, eggs Benedict in an easy block of ice.

me: why doesn't Chipotle offer eggs Benedict? the reason: no freezers.

Jen: hollandaise sauce is a BITCH to make.

Blue Ghost: is there a Pretzel on the moon?...

Tommy.

Rex Beans: Heinz Beans in tomato sauce on a hob...

Ann-Margret: white shag carpet, white sand beaches on Maui, same thing,

Dustin Diamond: Maui is not Malibu...

Elizabeth Taylor: hey those are MY chocolates!!!

Melissa Maker: suds is love.

Ann-Margret: okay i'll do the suds scene but my clothes stay ON.

director: okay but you have to bathe in baked beans...

Ann-Margret: what, it's just a pillow the size of a giant hot dog.

Jack Nicholson: didn't think i could sing? ha. i got tricks up my sleeve, baby!!!

Tommy: pinballs on my eyes for the electroshock therapy.........electroshock treatment.........for the electroshock...

Dr. Robbins: $250 for a psychiatrist?!!!...

Tommy: mom, don't slap my face with your hair, it's hard when you have a hot mom, both meanings.........it's uncomfortable...

Tommy: I'M FREE!!!.........fucking pesticides...

Jesus: do you have the guts to leave the temple? the Global Guts.

John Lennon in one of the whizzing-by parked beach cars: hi.

Roger Daltrey: Psychedelic Baywatch.

Pete Townshend: my famous guitar lick over the Hawaii Five-O intro?

Tommy: mommy, i don't like my stepfather.

Ann-Margret: the world hated Oliver Reed.

Tommy: I FEEL LIKE CORAZON FROM ONE PIECE!!! mom, dad, i'm leaving home.

mom & dad: how dare you.

Tommy: i'm gonna become Jesus.

mom & dad: but you're just this guy that plays pinball.

Ann-Margret: my son's hot.........just saying.

Ann-Margret: no, Tommy, not my Lee Press-On Nails!!! 

SPONGEBOB in rhinestones in the ocean by the shore getting lapped by the waves... 

Tommy's concert filmed at Disneyland in Anaheim, 1975...

Father Navin: don't worry, this is just that Halloween Night at Knotts Berry Farm...

biker: why did i join a motorcycle gang? because they put baked beans in my Pringles can.

Ken Russell: full disclosure: i stole the hang-gliding scene from Brewster McCloud.

Pink Floyd: learning to fly...

Zac Efron in muttonchops and blue suede shoes: ...

Ann-Margret: i have flour on my face for some reason. i'm Hot Lips from M*A*S*H!!!

Jules Smith: there's more at the door, not that there's more people at the door, it means there's family at the door.

Colonel Sanders in the River Jordan: ...

Mrs. Talbot: all pipe organs must be motorized in case there's an emergency.

Paul Shaffer: that organ has a xylophone. what's with all the Paul Shaffer styrofoam heads? 

Tommy: i will only save my Where's Waldo pilgrims. and that dude-baby in the Cabbage Patch bassinet. and Marcia Brady. and John Belushi.

Catherine Tate: bovver boy...

Roger Daltrey: i'm the lead singer of the band Under the Influence of Giants...

Tommy: this was a long commercial for hearing aids...

the Tommy soundtrack: not the actual album Tommy but the soundtrack to this movie: it sounds like an episode of WKRP in Cincinnati...

Billy Corgan: okay here's my cast for Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness: The Movie: David Bowie as The Acid Queen, Queen Latifah as Stumbleine, Chappell Roan as The Pinball Wizard, James Iha as The Boy Who Makes The Wish, and i play all the other parts.

mental break: schizophrenia.

Dr. Robbins: or it could just be taking some time off to relax...

Nicole Richie: this is the first time you're noticing this but my last name has the word rich in it...

Charl: it's not that it's 2025, it's that this is MY TIME, i'm the manager of Safeway...

Daniela di Giacomo: for all the Mexican Madres of the Revolution who came before, the mothers para la revolución, hold on to that cookie!!!

hold on to your butts: hold on to your cigarette butts...

Jen R: ...

Michael Weiss: be with the people who are ALWAYS active on Instagram...

Melissa Maker: i was the lead singer of Veruca Salt...

Kamala: wait, they haven't counted the mail vote yet...

Demi Moore: damn, Oscars, you did me dirty, that wasn't supposed to be a Lifetime Oscar for me, that was supposed to be a Lifetime Oscar for Bruce Willis...

noodles: for breakfast, lunch, and dinner...

me: i buy the Party Size Triscuits so i can pretend i'm getting invited to all the parties.

Jen R: how many parties have you gone to in your entire life?

me: technically zero.

Capp to Jen R: when the woman of your dreams is sucking your cock, you're in a good place...

i start to cry.

Jen R: why you crying?

me: whenever i'm in a Starbucks i have to write the next chapter in my story. in my notebooks. i'm looking at this green notebook i'm writing in, it has the FRAYED corner.  

Jen: so? does this have to do with Freya from Angel Cop?

me: when you were gone for a straight year without telling anyone where you were, i became hopeless.

Jen: did you start praying again?

me: each morning i'd stroll over to Safeway and touch this very green notebook on its corner with my finger, so much it got worn-down.

Jen: it's amazing no one bought that notebook in a whole year. 

me: no one writes anymore.

Jen R: but you gotta stop crying, man. you think too much of yourself.

me: no i am anything but conceited.

Jen: no you spend too much time thinking about your own problems, you're self-absorbed in your pain, solipsistic and caged. you gotta open up your world and think of an OTHER's pain.

me: like Sarah Becker?

Jen: precisely. she'll always have it worse than you. 

me: i can relate to her: being trapped in a caregiver's role, no escape, and really no escape after you break your leg in four places and can't skateboard anymore. a weird bone did her in. 

Jen: well that's perfect. let's get to work on that graphic novel in tribute to her comic-book roots. i draw, you write.

me: what were we calling this graphic novel of ours again?

Jen: Don't Be Bitter, Be A Biter.

 

 

THE BOY WHO NEVER TOOK OFF HIS BLUE BEANIE: KIP-UP

 

me: where'd you go?

Jen R: i was out with the mumps.

me: isn't constantly smoking a cigarette bad for the mumps?

Jen: nah, when you're a mum you're immune from your kid's mumps, that's the whole point of the mumps.

Jen R: what happened to you? you seem more dazed than usual.

me: i got a concussion, i THWACKED my head on the icebox fetching corndogs.

Jen: that is the lamest story of all time. i thought you wanted your life to be cool.

me: help me.

Jen: from now on you say you got your concussion doing a kip-up in some jazzy modern dance ballet production on an Upper East Side theater stage. and that the rest of your ballet troupe thinks you're rad for having undergone that for your art. in fact let's visit that very stage now and tell the folks!!!

the Joffrey Ballet: how'd you get that concussion? we can SEE the concussion on your head...

me: um.........i hit my head on Natalie Portman's tit during Black Swan.

the Joffrey Ballet claps while they ballet-dance.

Jen R: wear a soft-felt blue beanie on your head AT ALL TIMES, it'll be like a helmet to heal your head but you'll look like a cool street kid.

 

'80s shows: oooooh, followed by clapping...

John Madden: the UFL is history.........in motion...

me: i buy the Family Size of Triscuits so i can pretend i have a family of my own.

Jen R: you turn them into soggy Triscuits when you cry into them.

killer whale: i'm a dolphin...

Zelenskyy: see it was a Friday. on Friday it's the end of the week and people are tired, nerves are frayed, and you say things. you don't give a fuck anymore by Friday, you tell the President of the United States what's REALLY going on.

Tommy.

Adam and Eve under the waterfall: it's actually hard to fuck under here.

Trent Reznor: i recognize this flapper wearing a gas mask!!! mother!!! 

The Blitz: get into your caged bed...

Rosie the Riveter: fill the assembly-line missiles with pinballs...

Jules Smith: red poppy.

Bernie Greencoat: this place is like Fawlty Towers but with a pool.

Lovely Legs competition: see? the Miss America pageant is harmless.

Ann-Margret: i miss the touch of a man's cheek. when we're dancing, not his butt. Elvis couldn't dance.

holiday camp: not a bad job, kid. it's only in Britain...

Blanche from The Golden Girls: it's the Steel Magnolias house!!!

Tommy, sleepy-eyed: dad? are you a ghost?

dad: no i'm Adrien Brody as a Cardassian.

Bernie Greencoat: it's not seeing the fucking that's traumatizing, it's the re-death of your father Thomas Merton-style...

Tommy: and thus my mind CRACKED. but the Notting Hill Carnival and candy floss should help...

Tommy: mommy, can i be a Blockhead on Gumby? really my problem is too much sugar. mommy, can i have cool retro '70s Christmas like this but alone?

Tommy: why the mini black '80s Rolls Royce tho?

Santa Claus: Santa Claus should never be a scary Halloween mask.

Abbot Butt: i mean how can a Marilyn Monroe cult be bad?

Dorothy Gale in a wheelchair: our monks wear robes with Robert Crumb comix on them.

Tina Turner: this ain't a cigarette, honey, it's a syringe...

Tina Turner: how was your first fuck, Tommy?

Tommy: i must warn you, my blood type is C. the Cybermen are so BORING. just take me to Round Table Pizza after, will MF DOOM be there?

Tina Turner shaking her legs: honey, THESE legs win Lovely Legs.

Ann-Margret: see in those days people just didn't get divorced, you know?...

Jen R: that's a cool visual, the bath faucet as motorcycle handlebars.

playfriend in leather jacket: if Treat Williams from Hair went CRAZY.

the guy from The Warriors: ...

Roger Daltrey: bro not the hair. don't step on my long curly hair. 

Garbage Pail Kids: remember when being the class cheat was just sorta fun?

Melissa Maker: spit on your clothes iron, lifehack.

Jen R: hey, raw egg in Coke, you haven't tried that drink yet.

me: thanks. 

Fletch: it's the Depeche Mode "Stripped" set.

Tommy: okay but why does it have to be a Playboy pinball machine?

Tommy: i was the first professional gamer...

Princess Di on the yacht: you can't make money playing pinball in 1969...

Elton John: do you like my keyboard that's the size of a stick of gum? 

Jen R: oh i miss those hotel TVs with the garage-door-opener remote controls. 

Storybook International "Great Heart".

The Man of the Great Thirst: see i drink a lot of diet cola.

styrofoam boulders: so UCLA summer theater camp in the '80s...

Bowen Yang: Shane Gillis is that cockroach that doesn't die after an atomic bombing.

Lorne Michaels: i know but you gotta do at least ONE sketch with him so we appear neutral.

Bowen: oh fuck no, Lorne, don't make me do this.

Lorne: just do one of those Weekend Update segments where the two of you are twins...

Bowen Yang: i'll be avoiding Shane Gillis in the hallways all week...

Kurt Cobain: Iron Maiden taught me how to skateboard, Tony Hawk taught me how to live.

Tony Hawk: there's a trick to life...

me: you're the only one who's fucking around.

Jules Smith: i'm not messing about.

me: no you're the only one who's around...

Kurt Cobain: you and i are now one family.

Tony Hawk: can i be in Black Flag now?

Psalm: nobody who works in Hollywood needs a Psalm...

M with a hook: pronounced ma, mama.

Luke Russert: the handles on your grocery bag should be like the handles on your soft plush cat carryall.

Trinity: ...

Trent Reznor in a Nottingham Forest shawl in the stands: the River Trent...

James Cameron: my Oscars telecast lasted until 3 in the morning...

3 at night: sounds weird.

Instagram: it's like pulling teeth.

Kendrick Lamar: X Drake.

Drake: yeah i know.........X Drake turns into a dinosaur.

Kendrick: .........because Drake is a dinosaur in the rap game...

Nadia Comaneci: why is everyone on Toonzone Romanian?...

Grace Kelly: now THAT's the way to live life...

Oscars: remember, you don't want to be closing your curtains in your house in the middle of the ceremony...

Super Bowl: ...

that drink you forgot to make: ...

Ariana Grande: not a dress, a shower...

Nosferatu: i had fun doing the music for The Brutalist...

me: the boy. get it? i'm the boy.

Jen takes a drag from her cig.

me: thank you for tour-guiding me through your old stomping grounds, New York City.

Jen R: old fucking NYC, no place better. yeah. just don't come here at NIGHT, it's a completely different scene. wanna hop the L and go down to the bodega where Mr. Kotter gets all of his shaving-cream cans?

me: subways are sexy.

Jen: there's gotta be a better way to package flour.

me: right?

Jen: put the flour in an Old Fashioned Quaker Oats cylinder. 

me: and sugar!!!

Jen: sugar!!! i wish i still had my old beige-clay sugarbowl from the '80s. i'd Veruca Salt that granulated sugar!!!

me: that sugarbowl said LEMON on it in I Love Lucy letters.

Jen: a Starbucks just opened up on this corner!!! what luck, let's tuck in... 

ENTRE BASTIDORES: THAT "CHICO AND THE MAN" EPISODE IN MEXICO

 

Titus: come on, man, i'm sorry. let me make it up to you.

Late: how? como?

Titus: we travel the jungles of Mexico till we get to the secret find in the clearing.

Late: a hunt?

Titus: not of you. not of man. this is legit.

Late: but how? como?

Titus: we need a tool. not referring to me. follow me.

Late: by the way where's Raul?

Lili Estefan: Raulie, i don't care anymore. 

Daniela di Giacomo: como? the mafia backdoored Raulie, i tried to intervene but when i reached their hideout in the middle of Tijuana it was too late...

Lili: don't look at me. don't ask me to show you around, i'm not from Mexico, i'm from Cuba. i went to Harvard...

Raul De Molina: i look like if Castro let himself go...

the El Gordo y La Flaca intro announcer: yes i'm drunk. they serve sangria at Taco Bell. Three's a Crowd on The CW!!! i chuckle and laugh even when i'm announcing a sad story...

Talia licking the faucet: don't worry, we cats entertain ourselves...

David Lynch: use your imagination, i was the lead singer of the Talking Heads...

Capp: my dream is to be never heard from again.

Trent Reznor: i just realized something, all music is crazy...

xxxHolic: Catholic...

3:30 PM: The Cosby Show on Hallmark Channel.

Rose Nylund: what?

Rudy Huxtable on cord phone: mom is COLD BUSTED.

Rose: that means something different in St. Olaf.

Clair Huxtable: Rudy, shut yo mouth, child. sit yo ass down, Rudy. i'm not gonna have this from my youngest. i already had to sign the waiver saying i wouldn't look directly into Lisa Bonet's beautiful eyes when Lenny was in the room.

Eroxon: get your rocks off.

Michelle Trachtenberg: Notre Dame High School looks like a mall...

Cameron Mathison with Cameron Mathison smile: tonight...

Storybook International "Great Heart": it's a shame the white man has to intrude on this brilliant ancient Native American Indian vision-quest spirit-walk tale. so sad. it's a painful history...

Chipotle: the weird thing is none of our food has the chipotle chile in it...

Ferris Bueller: in the '80s, you tried to get the attention of the girl you liked.

Al Gore: but there was no attention economy... 

Bergman Island: those guest quarters for the wedding guests, those SKINNY TALL rooms with the IHOP roofs, are actually saunas...

Ingmar Bergman: they serve fartinis in there...

Hampus: the Krampus's hamper.

at the Great Western Forum in Los Angeles, Steve Jobs in short shorts and a headband psyches himself up bouncing the basketball on the court.

Steve Jobs: i'm oiling my brain.

Chick Hearn: may fried chicken and potato chips always be served in these stands.

Steve Jobs: doing a deep dive on the dunk.

Steve Jobs does a flying jacknife DUNK on the basket.

Steve Jobs: oh wow...

Melissa Maker holding a chocolate chip cookie by the Mexican microwave: it melts in your hand...

Jennifer Pizarro: A Court of Thorns and Roses, i was born to play this part!!! i was born to act in this faerie-porn stuff!!! bring the Star Trek guy back!!!...

Tom Petty: i should have been in A Clockwork Orange, i already dress like that, those are my clothes...

Egon Schiele: my life got CUT WAY SHORT by the Spanish flu, our covid, but i find solace in that MANY YEARS LATER Aeon Flux will cure my disease in the future...

Late: my upper lip's starting to quake, how much further must we roam the Mexican jungles?

Titus: we need a jungle sword to cut away all this dense brush. the trees here have coconuts heavier than my balls. i know where to fetch a jungle sword: Jackie Fitzgerald's house in the States, she lives in a forest, too...

Titus: this is a vacation from our vacation. it's a good thing, too, my eyebrows were starting to sweat. i was getting palm tree in my shorts. look at the gutter in front of Jackie's house.

Late: can't see a thing, it's night.

Titus: exactly. see that black shadow in the gutter? long penis-shaped black shadow? that's Gunther's jungle sword.

Late: Gunther?

Titus: Jackie's man, He-Man, Conan the Barbarian, Blond Rambo.

Late: but why does he leave his jungle sword outside?

Jackie Fitzgerald: that's my one rule when i fuck any man: no weapons. weapons are so BARBARIC.

with Gunther's jungle sword in tow, the two valiant sun warriors attack the jungle with a preservationist's precision, making sure to reseed any tree they hack down.

finally they reach the center of the clearing where the brush bends.

Titus: DA CAR DA CAR!!! you see the car?!!!

Late squinting his eyes: is that a.........clown car?

Titus: no it's my family car. my wife and kid and me. i'm giving it to you, we even?

Late: i don't know, vato, i don't want to be taking your livelihood like that. you say no hard feelings but i haven't been hard since that night at the Mexican Oscars with Lili Estefan.

Titus: okay vato, adios!!!

a red balloon with a string appears across the sunbaked Mexican sky floating over the vista ever so strategically to catch Titus's small hand and scoop him up by the fingers. Titus flies away as he lets out another one of his trademark banshee-hyena laughs.

Late: wait. it's Late. where are you going?!!! vato, come back!!! we can be amigos, just for one day. DON'T LEAVE ME HERE!!! DON'T ABANDON ME!!! DON'T STRAND ME!!! i have a deep-seated fear of getting ditched, of getting discarded by the system. mental note: discuss this with my psychiatrist Carl Old. i'm stuck here, i'm not gonna drive that car through the forest, there's been enough damage to the Earth Madre, her knees are chapped from indifference.

 

 

ENTRE BASTIDORES: GIACOMO GANG

 

Clarissa Molina: everyone turned their life around. except me.

Raul De Molina: listen mujer, don't let yourself go. always be pretty. i don't care anymore. Lili and i get our stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, i don't care anymore. all dentists speak Spanish now, i don't care anymore.

Clarissa: i need some inspiration, Raulie. that's why i walking the outskirts of Mexico City. 

Raul: stay here alone, it should be safe, i'll be right back.

back in Hollywood.

Raul: um, hello? hola? who's in charge? who in charge here? i don't want my star next to P. Diddy's star.

Lili Estefan: yeah and can my star NOT be next to Gloria Estefan's star? i mean come on. i've spent my entire fucking life trying to distance myself from my favorite auntie. i'm my own woman. i'm my own mujer. i'm not from Miami, i'm from Mexico. put me next to Jennifer Esposito, that chica makes the best bagels.

Jennifer Esposito: chive n onion...

Jen R to Capp: do you know why you wait a long time in life? to FINALLY have that nice hard fuck with someone, you know?

Jackie Fitzgerald: being with Gunther has REALLY been challenging my Catholic faith...

Gunther: it's against your religion to love a hot guy like me.

me: i can't be around crazy people anymore.

Jules Smith: you mean me?

me: no, my family.

Bergman Island.

Ingmar Bergman: i was the son of a minister. there would be no movies if i was the son of a dentist...

Tim Roth: so how was your little local Bergman guide?

Vicky Krieps: he was a dork. a sexy dork.

Ingmar: i want the toilet outside in the garden...

one of Ingmar's wives: there is nothing like the dusk of a Swedish outdoor wedding.

groom at party: fuck Bergman. i'm jealous of him because he hoarded all the Pepto Bismol on the island.

Ingmar: in my defense, what's the point of war? i made a cameo in the grocery-store episode of Metalocalypse...

Jen R: mental note: bicycle rides are romantic.

Amy and Joseph ride their bikes to the beach to the ending of the M83 "Teen Angst" music video...

Ingmar: yellow schoolbus? I HATED SCHOOL!!!

Dirg: why can't there be coed communal saunas in America?

Ludo: it's just not as cool as Parcheesi.

Hampus: good ol' Hampus.

Vicky: what should the ending be? suicide?

Tim: that would be the Bergman thing to do.

Vicky: you can't just wave your hand and wish me away because you're getting tired of me. we have a daughter, remember? June.

Billy Corgan: named after my song.

Tim: *heavy sighing internally* i know. but I'm gonna need a couple of month vacations from you a year, okay?

Vicky: Amy wants her dress to the wedding to be white because she wants to start over and be Joseph's bride, be Joseph's wife, and be in Joseph's life.

Mia Wasikowska: has anyone heard my Australian accent?...

Vicky: i should have ended up with Hampus, Hampus was my Duckie Dale.

Ingmar Bergman: so this was a long advertisement for the Ingmar Bergman Museum...

Emma Raducanu: i'm quitting tennis for a bank job.

Andy Murray: you're gonna rob a bank? a bank heist?

Emma: no, i'm gonna count all my money. 

Andy: i could be your coach...

Emma: we'll never be as beloved as Greg Rusedski.

Kurt Cobain: i coulda been a great actor!!!

Melissa Maker: in Canada we eat mac n cheese with a spoon...

Kendrick Lamar: X Drake.

Drake: yeah i know i know, you dissed me good at the Super Bowl.

Kendrick: no, the One Piece character.

me: how are you, my friend?

Jen R: how are you my friend?

me: don't know, just lucky i guess.

at the nursing home.

9:59 AM: crepes and strawberries.

10:00 AM: Golden Girls on Hallmark Channel.

Ryan White: i buy Dorothy's Bobby Hull hockey stick at the indoor yardsale. how much for that BIG-ASS yellow teakettle in the cheesecake kitchen?

the mom from My Life as a Dog: i'm Rose's blind sister. what do grits look like?

Rose: they literally look like nothing.

Dan Fielding: i never smoked...

Dick Clark: in the '80s you'd have to guess the word "petition" to win the $100,000, "petition" was the pyramid capstone. 

Ben Johnson, coach of the Chicago Bears: i have an anime voice. i wrote all of Shakespeare's plays.

Michael German: ...

LeBron James: i'm winning the NBA championship for the Lakers this year so JJ Redick can buy his family another house to replace the house that was burnt to a crisp.

JJ Redick: see, kids? it pays to stay in school. Duke math, motherfucker.

Dick Vitale: the Dukies!!! the Dukies cured my cancer!!!

Dr. Seuss: i did The Midnight Gospel first...

Peter Griffin: cwalk? no not the Crip walk, the color walk, i travel outside my house and point out all the green bushes along my sidewalk, my color is always green. and i love bush. i have to go on a walk, i'm fat.

the two reach Daniela di Giacomo's pueblo along the dustiest of trails.

Daniela di Giacomo: welcome to our secret bunker. notice that we're technically not in Mexico City. you won't find this place on any map. even though the Aztecs invented maps.

Raul: what's with all the sausage in your place?.........i'm talking about actual sausages...

Daniela: well you see we in the mafia always have a need to flee an area quickly. so we hang our sausages in the ceiling for fast plucking. 

Clarissa: also they dry out faster in the sun.

Daniela: people don't know this but Mexican sausage is just Italian sausage dipped in peanut dust.

Clarissa: teach me about the secret to your cooking.

Daniela: see that microwave over here in the basement? under lock and key. that microwave is the key.

Raul: and i'm a skeleton.

Daniela: you see those of us in the mafia often have no time, so we can't put the cookie on a little cute saucer dish with blue flowers to nuke it, put the cookie RIGHT IN the microwave without a plate.

Clarissa: OW!!! it's hot to the touch!!! THE PALM OF MY HAND BURNS!!!

Daniela: calmite, mujer, you gotta stand up for us ladies, we're strong, this chocolate-chip pain is worse than childbirth but come on, do it and give me a mujer high-five!!!

Raul: i'm hungry.

Daniela: that's a surprise, Raulie. no chips here, the police took them all. we mafiosas had to be industrious, so we made our own cheap chips. take two tortillas, put them in the microwave WITHOUT a plate, fold the four-sided tortilla into a triangular shape and voila!!!! instant tortilla chips. that are actually made from tortillas. dab a little Frank's RedHot on them for flavoring.

Daniela: hey, have you noticed you've never used the DEFROST or REHEAT buttons on your toaster?...