BEDE'S PATIENCE: PATIENT #2: CHARCOAL SOAP FOR HEADACHE

 

Bede: so your name is Julie atzwald?

Julie Oatzawld: like my Sigue Sigue Sputnik socks?

Bede: better than facepaint. you goth people scare me.

Julie: bot we;e the bets fucked. I get gorp Le eh dances.

Bede; is this a sex thing, honey I have a headache oi ight I wouldn't know.

Juliet come on, dick, it;s not like that  rally need your helpo. in the morning I th shower I use only ONR soap: charcoal soap. only charcoal soap give some the feel of EFFERVESCENCE, lust as a goth I naturally gravitate towards the darkness.

Bede: do th showers helpw oth the headaches/

Julie yes both I gotta have 3 showers a day, it's a water of water.

uliel you really need to get i  the shower with me for a hands=on approach to the problem. I need to be compete KY naked, call it fieldwork.

Bede: where?

JukleiL if w else the pansy entry showers you MUST call me Soser Iren.

Bedel muth doin;, sister. I'm nat to but.........I call,  skit CNA;t. f i did that I couldn't be a monk anymore...

KuliL you'd be something better, youdl be a person.

the t tale a moonlit stroll on the answers hill trail.

Julie: don;t you kiss the tide/

bed no.

HkeiL I love this time of year, the wintertires, when the nights are LONG. the darkness.

Bede: the ERT sticker is coming up.

JuleiL the Riemetr solstice is my favorite ta, beside it is a night, the sun rose at 6:00Ak and sets at 6:30 AM...

Lars bin tier: the George ki Gael :freedom 90s" music video, everyone glosses I've the lolol Etting!!! 

eorg migarjL you Ike the teak kettle at TJ MD. very British...

me: you need to abckr=in my neck.

Jen RL oh Jesus. I say oh Jesus a iot and Holm Jewish.

me: we all only say that n matter out Elion, it;s a nuke sea exaltation.

encyclopedia Bronl imagiune me warthog w able beanie.

Tavi Djer my dorm roommate at Berekely with the bad skin and love of Bay Srea pun tock: it possible to war glasses with a beanie. the glasses go UNDER the beanie, if girls over it's silly.

Did and Namcy.

Hinny ruetenK yo8 Ike how I sing you ke y singing style> how I roll my Rs. how I emphasis the ERONG SYLAABLE of the rod...

DER instil;LS so, are we hardcore UK rock?

Tavo Darl not by a longshot. you could never hope to be Oeraypn ivy.

Johnny gotten: British streets were harder than Mercian streets in the l70s. base of the oerss. the intl thing good about your Shinto,Dc,c is not heart.

Taco; Mr; I'm  D but tip=taper. college is to=tiger.

Johnny route l the intl Tifton about your college is that title you were a Tom there's. notice how il  kroe m tearing than Fid Vicous...

Tod Drey art , that;s me slamdancong I  th crowd.

Johnny R8 tell we;r Ethel Ce Positls beast ew eod tl shave sex.

of ViciosuL we may be punks  ot at least we don't throw a gals Scottie at a coach head form the sands after a Hjdntoas?Mexio soccer match...

Jen R: Diare Rob the one!!! I edited the meekly version f the UK classic original.

ToertCrymbl I wanted to draw for care T9 bot is as  man. John vessel on the cievr got me depressed.

in the white room.

Fredoe Jtcotyl no dogs EHR,e this out ache is actual.

Gwen refanuL I'm okay here to find a Bortosh stand...

  

BEDE'S PATIENCE: PATIENT #1: THE MRS. ROPER ROMPER

 

Brother Bede: so as a monk i'm the DJ for a podcast that explores boring religious issues and the weeds growing around the monastery this month. i gotta spice it up so i started thinking about my previous life as a psychiatrist, my patients were CRAZY yo, they had stories for DAYS. let's inject some energy into these problems in the morning.

Jen R: drivetime under the Holland Tunnel. i love your headphones with a cross on each head.

Bede: thank you. our *cough* i mean my first patent is you.

me: can you call me Brother Talmadge?

Bede: no.

me: just me and the cats. 

Bede: we know your cats' names. 

me: i'm here with my cats in the booth. the talk booth. cat person here. Talia, why do you startle so whenever i laugh?

Talia: because it looks like you're about to sneeze.

Trinity: or spasm.

Greykid: i'm a Chartreux, but don't confuse my yellow eyes for a Maltese, i'm high-bred like buttered toast.

me: it's the strangest thing, Trinity HOPS onto my computer desk, goes INTO me, saunters on top of the keyboard where i'm typing, and jumps onto the bed. instead of just going PAST the computer desk and straight on a clear path on the carpet to jump onto my bed. 

Trinity: because, bro, i'm a cat, i make things harder on myself. cats don't follow the rules of nature, we follow our own internal compass. our memories are worse than elephants'. if i snip i snip, a quick bite to get your attention. life isn't easy, life isn't about jumping through a few Bela Karolyi hoops and landing the Olympic gold medal on a busted ankle that landed funny.

Suzy Lu at McDonald's.

McDonald's: i thought you liked Burger King, our fried burgers are disgusting, remember?

Suzy Lu: i like to burn stuff. like your apple pies. like your burgers to make them char-grilled. half cut.

McDonald's: our iced tea?

Suzy: no, drunk.

at the SNL Weekend Update Desk.

Michael Che: why did Bump have to win? these next four years are gonna be ROUGH.........for ME!!! how am i supposed to do my job of making fun of the President without getting harassed on Twitter on Sunday morning?.........by the President himself!!!

Colin Jost: debates truly do not matter...

Kamala Harris: Gretchen Whitmer, Gavin Newsom, The Rock, Oprah...

Lorne Michaels: don't put me on your Enemies List, Mr. President, i know i look like i run the Department of Justice but i'm just on Mad Men...

Bowen Yang: can i still be me? can i still have fun? can i still let loose WITHOUT a gin with my gays?

Chappell Roan: your fellow gay icons. i voted for Kamala, right?...

Bowen: at the After Hours bar after the show as we gossip HARD about how we really feel, how it REALLY is.

Toto: "She's Like the Wind" sounds like our song "Hold the Line" but slowed-down.

Patrick Swayze: but can you dance?

me: Patrick-to-Patrick energy.

Wendy Fraser: Brendan is my bastard son, he did good. 

 

Wendy Fraser: faith, when the music is Adult Contemporary, it's about faith...

BM: Beautiful Music.

the large window pane on the bus stop in the morning frosted over like a Storybook International winter tale...

Michael Weiss: the minute you're gone, they're gone, that's Instagram.

Jeffrey Tambor, acting coach: don't act like me, don't be annoying...

Michael Weiss: when you're typing DMs on Instagram, JUST use commas...

Sid and Nancy.

Dirg: this is the unsexiest sex i've ever seen.

Johnny Rotten: sex is vile, ugly and, above all, boring.

Nancy Spungen: are you guys punks because you can't get any?

Johnny: you ain't getting any of that hippie Free Love shit here in this people pile on the dirty floor of a smelting factory in London, sweetheart. you Americans are OBSESSED with sex.

Nancy: it's not just Americans or you wouldn't be here...

Sid Vicious: who are the real punks? us or these schoolchildren hitting cars on the street with their wood field-hockey sticks...

Alicia Silverstone in the Aerosmith music video: ...

Johnny Rotten: kinda got a raw deal, Sid fucks Nancy while i play with my toy red firetruck...

Nancy: i mean aren't you asexual or something?...

Johnny: i think i'm aromantic.

Jen R: shrimping. see? shrimping, the ripping of nylons, the sucking of toes. fishnet feet, catches punks in their feelings every time...

Sex Pistols: it's like those Olympics boats, bridging the England/France divide.

bobbies on boats: party boats? that's a frat thing, not a punk thing!!!

Johnny Rotten: i wanted to be a police like you but my hair...

Sid: Nancy, where's the key to this lock-locket necklace you gave me?

Nancy: i swallowed it like i swallowed your cock, that's why i have a silver tongue...

Nancy: Sid, why do you wear a Fraggle Rock shirt?...

in the red telephone box.

Nancy: mom, can you wire us $200 for our wedding?

Nancy's mom: now honey, you cannot marry that hooligan. 

Sid: i hate soccer, mum.

Nancy's mom: he doesn't love you. he's using you. now before you say anything, your father is a fan of the punk rock and the rubberbanding your arm to needle it for drugs and anarchy.

me: i wear my blue beanie on my head to bed. in the middle of the night i hear cat sounds. when i wake up in the morning my blue beanie is GONE, nowhere to be found, disappeared.

Jen R: don't crane your neck looking under your bed for your blue beanie, that's bad for your whiplash neck.

me: i have to, my head gets cold during the night.

Jen R: looking like Encyclopedia Brown without a flashlight.

Bede: monks can't have flashlights because we have cavities...

Encyclopedia Brown: reading War and Peace in the dark as a kid hurt my eyes. my eyes forever fucked, that's why i wear glasses...

Jen R: i'll gift you a new blue knit cap for Thanksgiving...

Melissa Maker: toque?...

mom: you could always wear one of MY Gloria Swanson head-covering bejeweled turbans from Sunset Boulevard...

video gamers: hey bro, we're not NFL football players, let's stop posing for photos with our biceps out like this...

Mashle: 105.9 million viewers watched our series finale...

Jen R and i attend the Mrs. Roper Romp in San Diego.

Jen R: like me in my Mrs. Roper caftan?

me: you're my fantasy woman, with that wig...

Jen: why do you always wear that blue beanie on your head?

me: it keeps all my thoughts in my head like David Foster Wallace.

Jen accidentally bumps Pam Hiltunen off the pier...

Pam Hiltunen: honest mistake, my center of gravity is loopy, i'm top-heavy... 

Jen: any tuna down there?...

Jen: you're looking very handsome in your Jack Tripper mustache.

me: from that ONE AND ONLY episode...

Jen: you almost ran off with your 6th Grade English teacher Ms. Krause?

me: yeah, everyone in the class was afraid of her but she intrigued me, we could have had a Children of a Lesser God relationship...

Ms. Krause: kid i coulda fast-tracked you through the Shakespeare stage circuit but 6th Grade happens just once...

in the Mrs. Roper crowd.

Helen Roper: and the Mrs. Roper Romper is.........a caftan. a psychedelic caftan.

Audra Lindley: i am ALIVE to witness this glorious event!!! Stanley choked on his cocoa and died.

David Byrne wearing the Big Suit: the Big Suit continues in the tradition of the zoot suit...

Jen R dressed as Mrs. Roper drenched in beads: can i do it? *cupping the palm of her hand to the lips of her soft-painted mouth* STAAAAAANLEY, DINNERRRRR!!!.....

 

THE GERMAN DOCTOR: HAMBURGER HAMLET

 

 

me: don't you want to get the hell out of Salinas and experience the real world?!!!

Michael German: i did my residency in Seaside.

me: why the HELL do you still live across the street from Palma?!!!

Michael: the lingering smell of prom.

me: we're going to L.A.!!! NOW!!!

me: omg remember Hamburger Hamlet?

Michael: no.

we enter and i'm immediately transported back to the sights and sounds of my nostalgic youth: the I Love Lucy booth, the Old Hollywood B&W photos above on the wall, the Wedge salad, the horseshoes.

me: but not necessarily the smells. have you ever had a burger here?

Michael: no.

me: can't say i have either. or that i remember. it's probably gonna try to taste like The Good Earth but nothing is The Good Earth.

me: do you mind if i flip this checkerboard over this nice white dinner-tablecloth in this nice restaurant?

Michael: this isn't Miami Vice "Like a Hurricane." you gotta control yourself. not everything requires the anger response, i've been studying psychiatry paperbacks on the side. think about the candles. that would dishonor your benediction.

me: my what?

Michael: don't you wear a dinner jacket or something?

me: oh my Mr. Kotter/Mr. Serling black pimp coat!!! you're right, it is a holy prayer. it calms me before i eat winter meals.

Michael: it calms your stomach before clams.   

i kiss the Mr. Kotter notch lapel, then the Mr. Serling notch lapel. i make sure to go back to each collar side with another kiss for Julie Kotter, then a kiss for Jen.

Jen R: you're not dreaming this. but this isn't the '80s.

Michael: how's your steakburger?

me: it tastes like bacon.

Michael: i prefer the pasta here myself.

me: oh garcon. Alfredo? yes, where is my Hamburglar toy?...

Suzy Lu: yeah mate, i got a team, i got an office, i got a Scottish castle to make YouTube videos of me watching anime. it gets REALLY QUIET at night over here...

Kakashi sipping tea: quite quiet, like a ninja.

me, exasperated: fettuccine is frustrating. it's SO much better than spaghetti but the fettuccine always STICKS TO THE FUCKING POT!!!

Michael: you could try fresh fettuccine.

me, with a defeated look in my eye: that's cheating.

JUST THEN, Bud Cort walks into the Hamburger Hamlet.

Michael: Bud Cort, mind coming over to our table to be a witness to this?

Bud Cort: i auditioned for that movie. i mean i came here for the Christmas-tree fries but i guess. always take the fettuccine with red sauce, the Alfredo sauce here looks like the cum on the set of Brewster McCloud. 

Jen R: i have a dog named Bud Cort.

Bud Cort the dog: call me Bud Cort, not Bud Cort The Dog.

Michael: don't know about you, but i love it when the pasta dough gets stuck under my fingernails. 

Michael takes out a quill pen from his dinner jacket as if he's gonna sign the check. but he signs something else.

Michael: tell you what i'm gonna do. so we can all relax and have a nice meal. i'll pay for your mom's nursing home. okay? every expense. you can stay in your house, you don't have to sell the house to pay for your mom's hospice care. it'll be like if insurance fully paid for a nursing home...

me, drunk with happiness: i could kiss you. i could kiss you on your big fat Tom Selleck mustache.

She's Having a Baby.

Ingmar Bergman: that was a cool little interlude there with Kevin Bacon holding the baby and the endless nameless parade of hot-babe women models gaggling into one dressing room. and the window-blinds shade of the black lines. and the European song with the woman talking, not singing...

Kevin Smith: it was like an '80s Vidal Sassoon commercial...

Tears for Fears: that's the woman from the "Woman in Chains" music video!!!

Angela Alvarado: i'm here ringside for the Tyson/Paul fight...

at the Field Museum of Natural History. under two creepy elephant taxidermies.

Kevin Bacon: wait, you're married?

Isabel Garcia Lorca: yes. Data was a good lover. look at me, not just anyone can pull off the baggy-yet-skinny acid-washed jeans look like this. with the jeans blouse... 

Kevin: the Fantasy Girl must be single or it's uncomfortable for me. it's unethical and i want to avoid getting knocked out...

Isabelle: but MY Fantasy Guy should always be married...

Isabel Garcia Lorca: are you still in love with your wife?

Kevin: yes. notice i didn't hesitate. 

Isabel: you were too quick, that means no.

at my favorite movie location for any movie, the grocery store.

Kevin: no one's touching my balls.

random woman shopper: hey buddy, don't even worry about it, i'm a waitress at Sizzler, they don't put a sneeze guard over the salad bar...

Kevin: you called Dr. Stinky?

Kevin: this rattan swing caused my infertility. i wear Bermuda shorts now.

Elizabeth McGovern: my temperature's right, have you ever heard a woman say that? this isn't sex, honey, this is yoga.

Alec Baldwin: kiss me goodnight to prove that you ever cared about me.

Elizabeth: love is not a kiss, love is a feeling.

Alec Baldwin: haven't you ever stolen a piece of candy?

me: OH YES, at the Pic-N-Save around the block from my house on Gilmore St. in Van Nuys...

Stanley Kubrick: hey let's get another poster of one of my movies on the wall of Kevin Bacon's typewriting room other than Lolita...

Joanna Kerns: i'm named after that Kern's nectar juice, right?...

Wesley Crusher: my cameo here at the end in my rainbow-stripes grey Starfleet tunic means that Star Trek: The Next Generation is starting soon. i know, can you believe it?, they're rebooting Star Trek finally!!! i'm gonna be the star of this show for all nine seasons...

Love and Rockets: nobody ever remembers us...

Fred Flintstone: Lamaze class by sunset, so beautiful.

Stephen King: a writer driving a BMW? that IS Hollywood...

Kevin: you got your focal point? no, not the cocaine rabbits.

Elizabeth: the monad...

Jen R: d'aww, that's sweet, Kevin Bacon makes her hospital bed while his wife is away birthing their baby.

Lars von Trier: a tear of blood, very me.

Elizabeth: babe, i got good news and bad news. good news is it's a boy. bad news is his name is Lars von Trier.

Kevin: oooh, i get it now, this is supposed to be YOUR real life as a struggling Hollywood writer with a young family.

John Hughes: bingo.

John Hughes: this movie isn't bad, it's just that adults are boring.

Lead Belly: Kurt did me a favor, he made my song "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" haunting, it wasn't like that for me, it's a swinging jazzy ditty, upbeat. but it was played on the golden needle of a Victrola phonograph so it came out broken-up...

Michael Weiss: hey, don't broadcast all over Instagram that you two are a couple, it's RUDE!!!

Lindsey Vonn: skiing and sex tapes. there's more to life than skiing and sex. i wrote a snow novel.  i built Tiger Woods, who's a robot. call me the Hedy Lamarr of the slopes, the brain from Breckenridge Breakers...

Ms. Krause: isn't it depressing to see all the school buses driving down all the city streets but they're all empty?...

Whoopi Goldberg: i like to be eaten. listen, this is the only space we have left to be ourselves. BRING OUT THE WHEEL OF CHEESE!!! i still don't want a roommate.

Eddie Vedder: Jeremy from "Jeremy" is from Boston...

LeVar Burton: Trivial Pursuit is my fucking consolation prize for not getting Jeopardy?!!! i don't care, i STILL win, i lived my dream, i played myself on Futurama...

President Biden: no more seesaw, you know?...

Terrence Malick: some call me earnest...

Super Mario: don't peek out your bedroom window when i'm collecting the trash in the early morning at 4AM, it's creepy to have someone watching you do your job. 

me wearing an '80s The People's Court white neck brace: it's just as well, turning my neck like that is murder on my whiplash neck.

Neale Donald Walsch: i still haven't recovered...

Super Luigi: don't crane your neck under your Keurig machine to smell the Christmas coffee, it doesn't smell like peppermint...

Olivia from Night Court: I TOLD YOU!!! i KNEW i was doomed when the writers wouldn't write me a boyfriend...

Olivia: i still say me and Abby would have worked. me and Abby and Gurgs in a threesome. let me guess, in the first episode of Season 3 we find out Olivia left Manhattan Criminal Court to get rich...

me: i'm nostalgic, but i watch Night Court for India de Beaufort, not Dan Fielding...

Mk.gee: "Rockman".

Stewart Copeland: The Police?

Mk.gee: nope, the WKRP in Cincinnati end credits...

Billy Corgan: i trained to be a priest.

D'arcy: every musician does.

Billy Corgan: look at me, look at my goth-priest robe...

David Lynch: why did i have to start smoking at age 8? why couldn't i have been one of the cool kids who started smoking at age 13?...

Michael German leads me into the smaller room of his doctor's-office room.

Michael German: you want me to check out polyps in your mouth?

me: i think i got them from all the screaming internally i've been doing lately.

Michael: close your eyes and open your mouth.

me: wait what are you gonna do?!!!

Michael: relax, it's just a tongue depressor......... 

 

THE GERMAN DOCTOR: CANNA

 

Michael German: what's the main problem?

me: incontinence.

Michael German checks underneath mom's bed in her bedroom.

Michael: simple solution.

me: yeah i've tried everything: bedpan, green liner sheet under her, a sturdy cotton thick pad sheet under.

Michael: you know in Medieval times the bedpan was wood. all you have to do is get her a waterbed.

me: what?

Michael: think about it...

me: OMFG!!!, i exclaim in the room.

i'm not sure if i should share this with Michael German, it's such a private moment, you know? i found a lucky penny nestled in the beige shag carpet of mom's bedroom!!!

dad: now THAT is a find. THAT really means something. do you know how hard that is to achieve?

Kurt Cobain at Unplugged.

Kurt Cobain: the final stirring song i played in that ballroom was Lead Belly "Where Did You Sleep Last Night." i performed it in a startlingly macabre morose manner.

Lead Belly: turns out you had a worse leadbelly than me...

Julie Patzwald is REALLY organizing this time, getting the name of the new goth band in order.

Julie Patzwald: Optimum Opium.

the rest of the band goth-smile.

Mk.gee: Alesis.........not my song, those cool sleek black pentagon-shaped electronic drums.

Mordecai from Regular Show: The Jets "Crush on You" drums!!!

Doryce: performance pad, not my Depend pampers panties. 

Eye Luggage: Surmise Sunrise, that's my contribution to the name. am i the drummer now? i have a lot of free time, i don't watch movies anymore. isn't this more electropop than goth?...

Julie Patzwald: take five, guys. hey, why isn't there Peppermint Coke for the holidays?...

Santa Claus: Spiced Coke, what the fuck were they THINKING?!!!

Chewbacca: life debt.

Han Solo: no, i mean i have a life's worth of debt, i owe the space government a trillion dollars, the space bank is gonna take my Millennium Falcon and house.

Mk.gee: what Beck wishes he still was...

Beck: every person has a phone, every artist is a bedroom artist. every artist is now lo-fi...

Suzy Lu: i'm crazier than Mariah Carey about Christmas. i put a Christmas tree in my bathroom. there's a tree in the loo!!!

Steejo: that's why i can never shower and am perennially stinky as a Scottish scouse.

Bryan Brown in Cocktail mixing drinks: the jigger is symbolic. do you see it? two sides of the coin, Days of our Lives hourglass, light and dark.

Tom Cruise: i see a way to get double-drunk...

Jillian Clare: Days of our Lies.........if i go to Wellesley it's like the election never happened...

She's Having a Baby.

at the oil-drum fire.

baby: daddy, don't burn your book because it didn't sell, Shakespeare can only be understood if your brain is frozen.

Robin Williams: if a book you write doesn't sell, you can't call it a novel. the T.S. in T.S. Garp stands for Tough Shit.

Elizabeth McGovern: i'm the asshole who married you.

Kevin Bacon: THAT should have been our wedding vows.

all suburban neighbors wear a Green Day Dookie shirt...

impetigo: sorry for going to school. sorry for visiting the school nurse, i have a crush on her. don't worry, it's just Spaghetti-Os...

David Foster Wallace: you wanna be a writer? go to New York.........it'll be okay.

Alec Baldwin: the only time the word torpid has been used in ANY film. 

Kevin Bacon: there's more to life than getting laid.

Jerry Seinfeld: there's futons.

Kevin: who knew there'd be an '80s dance club with hip underground techno music and a neon bathroom with a heart mirror here in Kansas?...

Isabel Garcia Lorca: i'm not a scary stalker, i have a Spanish accent, i'm no Glenn Close. it's destiny, i'm related to that dreamy writer Fed Lorca...

Federico Garcia Lorca: in this case 27 was a GOOD number, not an X'd-out Generation...

Kurt Cobain: the generation gap, am i right? i never wore GAP.

Kevin's ad-art boss: jumping off the Michigan Avenue Bridge is a sign that you will NEVER be satisfied.

Kevin: so i'm just supposed to never STRIVE to escape and be Robert Crumb?

Kevin's boss: suicides are never satisfied.

Anthony Bourdain: hmmm, now that i think about it...

Anthony Bourdain: is that the final meaning?

Anthony Bourdain: no it's more about reaching conclusions after you realize that you will never find what you're looking for no matter how long you search. 

Jen R: this is the exact ad agency i worked at in NYC. i wrote ads by this advertisement atelier's skinny window over here while listening to Olivia Newton-John do Vaporwave in Xanadu. wait, the Portlandia Bridge?!!!...

Jen R: the whole Binaca'ing your penis that the guy does before sex, Binaca'ing his dick with breath spray by opening up his shorts, this was ONLY done in '80s movies.

Boc: Kevin Bacon has a nice package, who knew?

Jen R: do people still wear pajamas?

Robin Hood: i missed the target but hit the tree.

Maid Marian: ...

Kevin: Italian bicycle rider? you're in the wrong movie, Breaking Away is that way...

Jen R: 50-year-old stressed dads wore pacemakers in their hearts only in the '80s...

Bear Scouts: we're Cub Scouts but we'll be Boy Scouts soon. we're not NFL scouts. we have dreams, we'll be Lion Scouts some day. we have hope, unlike the Chicago Bears, whom we share a logo with...

Caleb Williams: can i talk to Ditka? i gotta get outta here, drop me off at that Wendy's over there...

Webelos: you're gonna make it through this...

Alejandro at Safeway: know how i just carry on day after day? i live like a forest rabbit. i live in the present. ALL THERE IS IS TODAY.

Carmen de Lavallade: Lavallade literally means stage, it's the perfect name for me.

Alvin Ailey: i was in Fame (1980), right? had to have been. dance is what heals what ails us. i cried choreographing Cry.

Judith Jamison: for all the mothers. i was in Fame (1980), right? had to have been. watch my episode of The Cosby Show, it's okay. can i talk to Lisa Bonet?...

Stephen King: Cooper Flagg is the strangest, weirdest, most macabre thing i have ever seen. i could never write a creature as bizarre as Cooper Flagg. a basketball player from Maine?...

laundry bag: nobody ever washes the laundry bag...

Abbot Butt: the age-gap cutoff seems to be 24...

me: i'm worried about my mom. she's had a hacking cough for three months now. she coughs all into the night, hasn't had one moment of sleep peace. 

Michael German: dry or wet?

me: both.

Michael: probably allergies. cat dander all around her bedroom i'm assuming. i saw some cat dander in there when i visited. she doesn't like cats?

me: no it's not that. allergy medicine has no effect. she's allergic to allergy medicine.

Michael: I GOT IT!!! Vanquish. Vanquish cures all. even cough.

me: acetaminophen for cough? really? 

Michael: you can't just go around checkerboarding every time life doesn't go your way. although flipping a checkers board over in a park does feel good. Vanquish gives me super-strength.

me: me too. when did you discover it?

Michael: the '90s for proms in Salinas.

me: those were terrible times. i saw my first Vanquish bottle when i was rummaging through my mom's purse for gum in a booth at an '80s McDonald's. i win. 

me: so you wanna go to Chili's or something?

Michael: i don't like it when the chips are crispy.

 

THE GERMAN DOCTOR: MISWAK

 

i'm at the doctor's. i hate going to the doctor. but i have to. for a benefit. i run into, of all people, an old classmate i used to go to high school with in the area. oh how i hated high school. after we moved.

me: Michael German, as i live and breathe.

Michael German: Dr. Michael German. i heard it was touch-and-go for you at college, you almost didn't make it.

me: you son of a bitch, you actually became a doctor. you know now that i think back, i have a crystal clear image of you saying you wanted to be an ear-nose-throat doctor on the patio of the school that one hazy dusty-pink afternoon after school. i don't want to mention the school's name, painful memories for me.

Michael: you were waiting for your mom to pick you up, i had a car. if i remember correctly you were smart like me, i crapped my pants when you transferred over her from L.A. i ALMOST lost Valedictorian to you.

me: you got a 4.8, i got a 4.7, those fucking AP courses adding into your GPA. well, it seems you lived your dream.

Michael: being a specialist is so much easier, being a doctor gets messy. yeah i've lived a pretty normal life: wife, two kids, doctor. you?

me: mental illness. i ended up doing nothing with my intelligence. it seems if you have just ONE nervous breakdown, that's it, it's over.

me: the reason you're normal today? you went to prom.

Michael German: can you believe Palma is co-ed now?

me: trigger warning. 

Michael: remember that caravan of vans on the street we had for prom?

me: i didn't have good high-school memories like you did.

Michael: sorry. so what brings you in to see me today? sinuses flaring up? it's not your sinuses, it's Autumn, the leaves are brown.

me: i'm actually here for my mom.

Michael: hey have you ever eaten bacon that's been fried in a pot?

me: yeah, it tastes like steak.

Michael: i can't eat bacon, i'm a doctor. i don't get it, why does your life suck now?

me: easy for you to say, you're a doctor!!!

Michael: i mean we both went through covid...

the Golden Ratio: i'm not an Uzumaki spiral...

Over the Garden Wall: we are all lost forever, woods or no woods. nobody's journey ever ends. friends: the only thing that matters. and that circle ceremony from the Pink Floyd "High Hopes" music video...

Subway: what, it's not imitation crab, it's surimi...

me: now is when i put on my blue beanie over my head, put on my black fuzzy coat by kissing the left Mr. Kotter collar flap then the right Mr. Serling collar flap...

Jen R: don't forget the Julie Kotter collar flap...

me: ...then zipping it up and going under my BIG-ASS white down-comforter Linus blanket.

Jen R: feathers?

Michael German: it's not that it's winter, it's that it's the time you finally shave your head after 5-months' hair growth...

curator: when you're an Instagram curator, you need to choose QUICKLY...

Uzumaki: it's just Cumberland sausage.........redcurrants only grow in Japan...

Super Mario: your trash was taken. your trash was picked up. you're gonna have a good week.

Super Luigi: the whole tenor of your week changed when your trash was taken...

TV: when you watch others do the work...

Princess Diana: remember that time i dressed like Maleficent with a cross necklace to a non-costume party?...

Doryce: which witch has the winch?

Gladyce: i'm on a date with Mark Hapka at Medieval Times...

Miami Vice "Like a Hurricane".

Teller: this is the first time you've ever heard me speak. but this isn't my real voice, i'm acting, this is the character's voice...

Com Truise: that hurt me, getting exploded just for listening to a cassette in your car...

at the Pepin Pumpkin Patch.

Claudine Pepin: Papa, i'm worried about you. what man needs all these pumpkins?

Jacques Pepin: a French man, you ungrateful whelp of a child. i feel like King Lear up in this pumpkin patch bitch.

Claudine: calm down, Papa, and tell me about the spell Billy Corgan has over you.

Jacques: some of the Smashing Pumpkins songs are amazing, some are duds.

Claudine turning on her Walkman: do it French-style, Papa. 

Jacques starts sweating as he dances to 2 in a Room "Wiggle It".

Jacques, doing the Stanky Leg: like that motherfucking Sesame Street earthworm. this is PBS after all.

Jacques, singing in his heavy French accent: wiggle it, just a little bit...

Gloria Pepin, watching everything and crying softly under a fennel tree: Parrain would be so proud of our family.

PBS: your guide through all the poisonous mushrooms you will encounter in the Jacques Pepin Woods...

Jen R: are we still celebrating the rest of the holidays this year after what happened?

Jon Stewart: come to me for your post-election-blues solace.

me: and reassurance.

Jen R: and snark.

Johnny Carson: Jon Stewart is still around?...

at Safeway.

Alejandro: you're looking very handsome today.

me, blushing: is it my beard or the shirt? you're the only person i hug in my life.

Alejandro: you should hug your family...

John Mulaney: how did an entire generation of Filipina women spring forth from one random tweet?...

dad: lucky penny in the sky.

Marina del Rey, California: where Lana Del Rey is from...

Tony Todd: please tell me i played Tricky in the biopic...

Robert Crumb: i invented the word "barfie", didn't i? 

MAD Magazine: ...

Lili Estefan: i got Sailor Moon legs...

Leslie Sbrocco: passport to delicious. no hawks.

Louis XV at the Palace of Versailles: phimosis? nah, i consummated our marriage on our wedding night six more times than necessary just to make sure.

Marie: not to make love...

Philippa Langley: ...

riddler: wine rack, nothing to do with Batman. my heroes growing up were Laverne & Shirley...

She's Having a Baby.

Father Navin: i mean why do they do that thing in the wedding ceremony where i'm REQUIRED to ask the congregation if there's any reason why these two should not be married? why ruin a beautiful moment with uncertainty? why doom a man's belief in himself?

John Hughes: TENSION. manufactured tension.

Kevin Bacon: i gotta get out of here.

me: right? loading-dockmen are colorful characters for your novel.

Elizabeth McGovern: at least get your master's degree in '70s McDonald's ashtrays.

Jen R: you can still live your dream and work for PBS...

Raygun: be a dancer.

Bill Burr: a slightly older Billy Corgan...

Laertus: but why are people so stupid now?

George Carlin: people have always been this stupid.

Shamu: just call me an orca, killer whale is too much.

Gladyce listening to Mk.gee "Breakthespell" up in a tree of the Treehouse on her headphones, closing her eyes: the dream police will get us...

Uzumaki Episode 4 rowhouses: shelf-stadium-seating scene from the Enigma "Gravity of Love" music video...

Suzy Lu: i can't see out of my left eye. but i meditate like Teen Goku out of my right eye.

Steejo: i listen to TLC. because Suzy the lass can't offer me TLC, she's too busy playing video games at home...

dad: if you're left-handed like me you already have a built-in third eye.

Michael German leads me into a smaller room than his other room in his doctor's office.

me: HAPKA!!!

Michael German: what the fuck man, you gave me a heart attack.

me: you're in the right place for one. today is 11/11.

Michael: the date is 11/11. wow, that is mindblowing between us, something spiritual between us, we used to be enemies.  

me: more like distant rivals.

Michael: i need to light up a cigarette inside this tiny room, do you mind? i need a smoke after that.

me: can you help me with my mom? it's stressful being her only caregiver for years.

Michael: she'll be okay. she's not sick, she's just old. don't worry, elderly people are fine. elderly people are fun.

me: she's easy. she's a sweetheart. all you have to do is clip her toenails and put DOUBLE SOCKS on her feet.

Michael: i'll be around your place later this afternoon. 

me: you remember my address?

Michael: i never learned it.

Michael: follow me out.

the two of us exit to the winding path of walnut through the circle "garden" of the parking lot. Michael German TRIPS OVER a small sign near the flowers soil which reads WATCH YOUR STEP and falls into the pansies.

me: you really oughta quit smoking.

Michael: says you, stress man.

at the house Michael German hooks up the water humidifier in mom's room. he puts his ear up to the humidifier's blobject surface.

Michael German: you hear that? the bubbles bubbled up when i entered the room.

me: i know, like an '80s Arrowhead gallon clear bottle of delivered water.

Michael: the bubbles were saying hi to me.

i have an exhausted look on my face.

Michael: don't worry, i'm a real doctor. i used to joke around all the time in class, remember?

me: we weren't friends, we were competitors. the class clown is never the valedictorian...

Michael German: but the class clown is always the smartest one in the class...