DAD WRITING FOR ZALMAN KING: HOW TO HARNESS A FALLEN ANGEL

dad: so i've always had this dream.

me: what's that got to do with me?

dad: for the BOTH of us, son, pay attention, stash that weed under your bed. we'd write TOGETHER for a show.

me: in tandem?

dad: yeah. but i've always wanted to write softcore. that's kinda something i have to do alone. solitary dream. waiting for you to turn 18 of course. then you don't go to college, you go with me down to L.A.

me: okay, dear old dad. i'll wait for you. or you'll wait for me...

dad knocks on Zalman King's modest corrugated door. it's a garage in the arts district of Pacoima filled with bloated Aztec, Mayan, and Jewish fertility statues.

Patricia Louisianna Knop: IT'S FROM THE WOMAN'S PERSPECTIVE!!!

dad: i gathered. that's why Red Shoe Diaries is so cool.

Patricia: heroine's journey.

Zalman King: it's not softcore. i prefer to think of it as Erotic Romance. 

dad: i loved the series finale, it was so atmospheric. not really a story to speak of, it was more a mood piece. i loved the fallen angel right out of a Harlequin paperback with the Russian muscles.

Zalman: the chest. people criticized that he never actually flew on screen. like flying through the air in the clouds, floating in the sky with invisible wings.

dad: oh no, i loved your choice there. you had him on a harness with two rawhide stirrups under his armpits, he was the man on the flying trapeze, or angel on the trapeze as it were. the two strings were visible throughout, you weren't trying to hide them, he "flew around" the sky in this way.

Patricia: flew around the studio on the stirrups. like a barechested Roman soldier on a swing.

dad: that was so symbolic, the harness was his broken wing, the angel unable to get back to his Heaven powers, couldn't be invincible and invisible anymore, had to be vulnerable and flesh for love. man that episode was mythic, it was great, a great way to end the series in an epic evocative brooding mysterious Joseph Campbell/Kobe Bryant way like that.

Mars: ironically it looks like Mrs....

Jen R: when you think of me as a time on the clock...

me: i think of 9:30AM. 9:30 is so WARM.

Wild Orchid 2: Two Shades of Blue.

piggyback ride straight to hell: that just doesn't sound right.

Brent Fraser: look at me!!! look at my face!!! i have to be Brendan Fraser's younger brother!!!

E.T.: no laws on my home planet, only plants. money is flowers. Elliott was the only good human.

Zalman King: there is only ONE palm-tree-lined avenue like that in the world...

Nina Siemaszko: i look like if Shirley Temple had been an atheist. i have to be a hooker to fix my teeth?

Tom Skerritt: no wonder you can't hear my trumpet, there's a mute in the hole.

Jules Smith: don't worry, i'm nice. and my daughter's Elle...

catfish: no, an actual catfish animal. in the aquarium tank.

Blue: that was my first time, I should be crying, but i left YOU in a puddle.

man, crying: turns out i have a LOT of emotional baggage from the '40s. next time don't show me a photo of you as a baby before we do it...

Blue: just reading his paperback of Childhood's End.

father: one more horn for the road. what i needed was a car horn...

gospel singer at cemetery: beautiful gospel song about the indecipherable puzzle of life.

Blue: *smashing plates* OPA!!! i'm one of Larry's cousins.

Blue: what's with the Dick Tracy lighting in this diner?...

Zalman King: RED SHOES, BABY!!!

acting: survival.

Blue: wait, this is an episode of JAG? 

Brent: you fell in love with my Charlie Chaplin dance.

Mona: i'm no longer the Cindy of the house, the Tootie of the house, the Brian Bonsall of the house!!!

Blue: don't you EVER kiss me on the mouth!!!

Brian from Family Guy: i like to play dead with twin hookers.

Mona: i'm Priscilla Presley...

Del: i'm the Harley Quinn of the hidden brothel.

passion: yes, but when you have to pay for it...

Jen R: nobody does scrapbooking anymore. nobody does pressed flowers anymore.

Prince Charming: i do exist but only in France.

Fortune 500: our wives don't do butt stuff.

Blue: you'll never see my new teeth because i'm never gonna smile this whole movie.

Nina: that's the second time i've had my panties RIPPED OFF for Zalman King!!!

Mamdani: but why can't the Senate be young?

Cigarette Smoking Man: the aliens are on the moon. tell no one. how much are you, Blue? like $135?

old man in wood Roosevelt wheelchair: scream. i'm preparing for my death.

Blue: i can't scream, i have a mousey voice.

Jen R: your soulmate lives in your city!!! what a relief.

Brent: um, can you put on this blonde wig? you look like my soulmate...

Blue in black wig: but you do love me.

Melissa Maker: you know that Taco Bell commercial where the couple meets at the bowling alley as kids, have a kid, their love story through the years is them enjoying one Crispy Chicken Taco after another.

Chad Reynolds: makes me sad. remember when we had that stale taco shell at the back of the cupboard as the symbol of our enduring love?

Melissa: we'll get remarried after the divorce, right?

Chad: for our kid. why can't love LAST?...

Omnilux: ladies, look like a creepy scary freaky future robotman for 45 minutes, but then FIRM SKIN!!!

Freddie Mercury: news of the world. i'm more a queen than you'll ever be, ladies...

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's different hanging Christmas lights when you have someone.

Walker: i keep a stone mug of coffee in my kei truck's cup holder...

Shenron: hurry up, i gotta get back to Hugh Grant...

Messi: have you ever seen a soccer goalie wearing a cap?...

Jesse: another hard one...

Pebble Grove: a Flintstones city...

nutrient bullet: a smoothie blender on Blue Exorcist.

Shura: blanks...

Wanda from One Piece: if you weren't a furry before...

Pedro: played by Pedro Pascal.

Bleach: unravel five hanks.

Tom Hanks: i'm sorry. i can't do the live-action anime movie of this. i don't know what anime is.

Zalman King: hey, if you're gonna write for me, remember: the word "fuck" must be uttered once every Red Shoe Diaries episode.

dad: right.

 

THE REAL WIKI: THE BEST SLEEP POSITION

 

Jen R: so we're obviously in Hawaii to help Terri out.

me: Terri Alden? oh yeah, that makes sense.

we reach Terri's bungalow in the jungle JUST as Mr. Furley is going apeshit.

Terri: i've managed to calm him down.

Jen: you have?

Terri: from before. he was climbing vines and shaking his loincloth at everyone like Brooke Trantor. now he's just hyperventilating and karate-chopping in the air.

Terri: cheer up, RF.

Mr. Furley: it's not that easy, Terri!!! you should know, you're a nurse!!! a psychiatric nurse, right? look at my life. look at me, i wear a brown ascot, mustard shirt, animal-print vest, and flared beige pants. pointy white dance shoes. i've wasted my life. i never met a woman for more than a few hours. never had children to carry on the cool RF name. nobody will ever know how smooth i was. i'm gonna die alone *cries WAMPUM tears*.

Jen: it's just not right for Mr. Furley to kill himself, he's too much of a kooky character, you know?

Terri: i have an idea.

Jen: we gotta get RF on a date.

Terri: bingo. i have the perfect woman. 

Ilene Graff: i went from hooker to housewife in two short years!!! Three's Company to Mr. Belvedere...

Terri: no not you.  

Lani Abraham from Match Game: me? i'm Anne Hathaway's mother...

Terri: no, you. Kathy Shower.

Kathy Shower: i have the perfect name for a Three's Company guest star...

Mr. Furley invites Kathy Shower to sit on his garish flower couch in his 101 landlord's apartment and the WIDE FRIENDLY TOOTHY Mr. Furley smile returns to his face.

Mr. Furley: i'm feeling much better about things. all it took was spending time with a woman who would hear my problems. a little checkers and wine. and cutting Andy Griffith out of my life...

Walton Goggins: Jim Carrey? ANYBODY can play The Grinch. because everyone looks good in that green Grinch face makeup...

Olivia Nuzzi: i've wanted to be a Kennedy since i was a little girl. he was the last one left, okay?...

blonde jokes: still a thing in the '90s...

Raye: i guess a guy's name?

Jen R: in the '80s, the mom and dad of the suburban family would "go upstairs" to have sex.

Alex: the WORST name to try to determine the gender of...

don't bullshit me: such a '90s phrase.

Hugh Grant: don't be absurd.

Sartre: ...

Sartre: are you like the modern Cary Grant?...

jalapenos in your Coke: experimenting one stressful Sunday afternoon in the '80s at El Pollo Loco...

Ralph Furley after drinking Jalapeno Coke: smooth.

Thanksgiving: from now on it's gonna be called John Madden Day.

Best Medicine: Fox can NEVER hope to come CLOSE to Northern Exposure!!!

Frozen On Ice: the only Disney On Ice thing that makes sense.

Peter Pan On Ice: doesn't make sense.

elf: the holidays are stressful for EVERYONE but even MORE stressful for elves. it's not fair.

Game Show Network: we go ALL FUCKING OUT for Christmas.

Seth MacFarlane: i need my teddy-bear thunder-buddy when i go to Mars.

Ellen DeGeneres: damn dude. and i went to Britain. but you win.

investigative reporter: investigating Black Friday deals at Macy's...

Nicolette Groome: such a goth name.

Jen and i are in our hammocks in Honolulu surrounded by Spanish moss.

Jen R: we need a key to get into Waikiki. we need rest for the test. a disco nap so we're not too tired to go to the disco, not the test. a power nap makes us weak.

me: what's the best sleep position?

Jen: picture it, in your bed at midnight: assume the fetal position, tuck your left hand in between your left leg and your right leg.

me: yeah that's the stuff.

Jen: let's go to the mall.

me: but we're in Hawaii.

Jen: but it's Black Friday, nobody goes to the MALL anymore on Black Friday!!! i'm gonna be wearing THREE Swatch watches on my left wrist because i'm cool. my purple Swatch, my black Swatch, my pink polka-dot Swatch. 

 

 

THE REAL WIKI: NEW YORK TO HONOLULU

 

Jen R: HAPPY THANKSGIVING!!!

me: we're celebrating HERE?

Jen: sure. haven't you always wanted to eat at a genuine New York City bazaar?

me: so, the turkey will have little flat pizza bits?

Jen: from now on, toned EVERYTHING.

me: what happened? i've never seen you like this before.

Jen: well you start to notice, you know? i can't keep eating the cookies, it's starting to show.

me: but you don't get fat. you turn into this cute adorable pudgy roundball winter elf instead. i wanna squeeze you MORE!!!

Jen: okay do the thing.

i close my eyes, put my hands and fingers together, GENTLY bow down my back to the floor as the gold carved coffeemaker spits its golden brew at the NYC coffee bar.

me, chanting: '80s USC dad coffee, '80s USC dad coffee...

Jen: i feel we need "Warm Machine" by Bush as the elevator music.

Pea Soup Andersen's: the official restaurant of The Exorcist...

Emmanuelle (1974).

Japanese women: SHE'S ON TOP!!!

me: see? the waterfall isn't beautiful until i tell you about it.

Jen R: i get it now, i'm made of water...

Thai woman found alive in coffin: ...

Bee: my French teacher told me to get a Flawless Victory at the arcade, that'd be more lucrative as a career. i gave him my cribbage board.

Jen: a cribbage board looks like a Hot Wheels track.

Emmanuelle: the rain is my tears. that is so French-Thai Existentialist. like losing 5 internet images on your computer but the images were from 5 months ago so you forgot what they were and you'll NEVER remember what they were...

Ariane: Jean, you're a slut.

Jean: i won't, my cock is not your racquetball racquet-handle to play with.

Jean: a woman can't be a bachelor!!!

Emmanuelle: wait till Emmanuelle 2...

Jean: look, swingers like us, we can't experience love.

Ariane: i wanted to be your one and only. i wanted to be the wife of the entire franchise of Emmanuelle. let's play racquetball in our longskirts.

Mario: when you're an 80-year-old man who can still get it up, i'd call that poetry. 

Emmanuelle: i tire of this bedhopping, i'm going back to Paris to study archaeology, i REALLY want to be Bee's wife!!!

folding screen: is this really necessary in this film?...

monogamy: it's dead. so there really shouldn't be adult virginity anymore, right?...

laws: scared of life.

opium dens: not just those Dungeons & Dragons basements with the orange carpet.

eroticism: it's like an episode of Red Shoe Diaries...

Mario: sex and love are not the same. sex means don't get pregnant!!! love is this intangible thing in the mind. but the mind is in the body...

what brand of opium is this?: Marlboro.

Napoleon: i wouldn't have been so warhappy if mom had given me that spoon collection.

Matt Frewer: i collect.........situations.

Billy Corgan: real love is erection?

Thai boxing: if there's kicking, it's not boxing!!! the prize is a lick on the eyebrow, that's it!!!

Mario: i want a black Emmanuelle...

Sylvia Kristel: so Marika Green and i got arrested during the waterfall scene, we got caught naked, spent a night in a Thai prison. 

Anthony Bourdain: would've been the rest of your lives were not for me. if i hadn't intervened. luckily i knew the King of Thailand. i knew the King of Thailand was a major film buff. we bonded over Vanishing Point.

the King of Thailand: it's me!!! Thai Guy from Crespi!!!

Melissa Maker: i love my ex-husband's family but not him, it's weird.

koalas: our STD problem, it's not what you think. Australia isn't any freakier.

Bindi Irwin: i mean you did have a rave scene in the '90s.

koalas: we watched Carry On Emmannuelle one too many times.

Steve Irwin: i reincarnated into a boomerang.

Dee: rare but it can be a man's name.

Twisted Sister: ironic...

Jim Cantore: fog is just when the cloud is on the street, not in the sky. don't drive in fog, walk in fog...

ginkgo-toothed beaked whale: do you know how we were able to stay hidden for so long?

dad: ginkgo biloba.

ginkgo-toothed beaked whale: not BEACHED whale...

good friends: talk everyday.

Boston cream donut: so much more than a chocolate donut...

Garfield: i love Baltimore, all the stores are closed Mondays...

mom: hip surgery is like when Trinity the cat vomits on your blanket, that blanket was full of stains, it needed to be washed anyway...

mom: get a hopeful item at Safeway, get my maple syrup even if i won't be around for a while, not home for the holidays, three months at a rehab in Santa Cruz...

Kate Bolduan: the reason you SEE my BIG Starbucks styrofoam cup of coffee on-camera is i REALLY like coffee and i'm diabetic.

shore up: a word only used to describe football defenses...

this comes as... : only on news broadcasts.

Shakespeare: SAVE BBC NEWS!!!

we're in Honolulu. NOT by the airport. our bodies are fully on a white-sandy beach not on the map surrounded by turquoise water. the two of us are on a hill. two palm trees shade our faces. a protruding grey stone is our pillow.

me: not that i'm complaining but why?

Jen R: you know when you're kinda drowsy and you don't know where you are?

me: Alzheimer's on Mr. Belvedere?

Jen: you wake up. you're on a beach. suddenly you realize, I FORGOT!!! WE LIVE IN HAWAII!!! that is an amazing feeling.

me avoiding a crashing wave: isn't this the spot where you fell in love with surfing?

Jen: John Davidson was handsome, but Jack Lord was OUTSTANDING.

me: any Thanksgiving leftovers left?

Jen: bacon. people don't think about bacon on Thanksgiving...

 

 

THE REAL WIKI: THAT SCENE ON THE DRIVEWAY

 

Jen R pulls up to my driveway in a Nissan Skyline.

Jen R: Vaporwave car.

me: i finally get that scene i've been dreaming about MY WHOLE LIFE!!!

the two of us hug for a week.

me: what's in the back?

Jen: 7 cases of kitty litter. it's supposed to be the lightweight stuff but it's getting heavier in my hand. or maybe i'm just getting older.

me: did i ask for this?

Jen: subconsciously and brimstone-y. with me, yes. whenever i visit someone strange i give them kitty litter. especially if they DON'T have a cat...

me: i see you working... 

Marmaduke: don't be absurd.

mom: i like crepes but i don't want crepey skin!!!

mom: what's absurd is i don't have liquid soap in my bathroom!!! cleanser? like foam you use to spot a stain on a shirt?

Emmanuelle (1974).

Sylvia Kristel: so i was auditioning for that cat food commercial with a cartoon Garfield interacting with a live-action me. 

Just Jaeckin: i mean i wouldn't mind if your spaghetti straps came off. yes that is my real name.

Garfield: they sell lasagna at the vet?

Sartre: leave me out of this. oh wait, i guess all of us here are French-Thai.

J Dilla: this is the "Won't Do" music-video intro...

red socks: only on Christmas.

the French In Action professor: whoops, wrong door.

Gilligan: one is never alone in life.........on a boat...

jealousy: outdated in the '70s. WHAT HAPPENED?!!!

man: i didn't want to pay for it either. but nobody's around!!!

Van Gogh: i never slept with any of my models. i feel i missed out...

donuts: strange country? have a donut.

morning meditations: keep the tips pointed.

factotum: even a brothel needs cleaning.

the The Room bed...

houseboy: this green robe means i'm a eunuch. i run through the banyans like Martin Yan that one time.

boredom: the enemy of this house and this film.

James Caan: sailors make lousy lovers.

Emmanuelle: all i did while in Paris was go to the Nintendo Store.

Shirley Manson: it's not cheating if it's women. but you're gonna have to shave...

Marie-Ange: like my Shel Silverstein shirt?

Marie-Ange: never trust anyone over 30.

Emmanuelle: this is a California King from when Mordecai was my lover.

masturbation: it's only elegant when women do it.

Fontainebleau: everybody goes to this restaurant after prom!!!

Less: no wonder i'm still a virgin. no car. and i sleep at night...

Felipe sawing his forefingers at the green houseboy: chame chame chame chame chame.

Concorde plane: looks like a movie theatre...

William Shatner: um, stewardess?

stewardess: it's a French plane, making love happens in the seats. seats as big as sofas.

Roger Federer: when i'm at the Thailand Open, i play squash along the side of a pagoda.

Samuel Beckett: the answer lies in pleasure itself.

Emmanuelle: i want to drink you.

Errol Flynn: but i taste like Hi-C.

Emmanuelle: why can't beauty be getting fucked in the ass with a glass dildo?

Jen R: omg remember those '70s white socks with one red stripe and one blue stripe?

Danny Supple: wood racquetball racquets?

Shirley Manson: my fantasy is to make love while wearing my Gloria Steinem glasses.

Jackie Fitzgerald: it's the same impulse when you see my butt and tits.

feminism: take a lover...

Adam: we're all naked underneath our dresses.

Steve Jobs: when was i in the Coast Guard?

licentious: having a driver's license.

me: that's a neat trick, put a bracelet on your crush's wrist and wait to see if she returns it...

Jen R: highlighter-yellow car?...

Bee: none of that corn-flakes nonsense for breakfast...

Washed Out: hey don't knock a life of leisure.

Bee: that's not how life works!!! get out of the jeep, i'm married to my job. look, you're okay but.........i'm kinda friendzoning you...

King Crimson: copyright court, dudes. wait, this is a Kevin Kline movie? okay you can use our music.

Bee: put on this red Steve Buscemi backwards cap to blend in.

Emmanuelle: i'm falling in love with Steve Irwin's wife.

naked Thai woman: i don't smoke, my vagina does.

The Carpenters: so you're healthy? what are we doing here?

The Carpenters: sure beats the car cigarette-lighter from our 1974 Oldsmobile...

Bee: well, i've never had naked lesbian sex inside a Thailand bamboo cage before, that's for sure.

Martin Scorsese: if you have to make a sex film, LIE to the government of that country...

Anthony Bourdain: a solo trip to Bangkok will crush you with depression...

Anthony Bourdain: Vietnam? maybe... 

Yoshie Bancroft: works for Harmony Gold...

carnival wheel: impossible to win. you better hope the Ferris wheel is working...

Cumber: The Bible is boring, learn about exciting Saiyan ancient history in Sunday school instead...

me: what? i was looking at your butt.

Melissa Maker wearing an ALO fur coat: you know, yeti. not cute at the grocery store. Hulk Hogan when he was in Russia.

Jen R: sexy yeti.

the two of us, the two soulmates, move from a memory to a moment to the murmurs of a meal.

Jen still hugging my neck: remember, whenever you see 9:30AM on the clock, that's me, that's my warmth.