DOPAMINE IS AN OLD DRUG: PUT IT ON WAX

 

Jen R touches my shoulder and she turns both of us into cats: Me Cat and Jen Cat.

Me Cat: wow. i didn't want to live anymore but now i want to live forever!!!

Jen Cat: see? it just takes a new view.

Trinity the cat: my warble sounds like peanut-butter oatmeal.

Talia the cat: let me show you something. see this litter box? why is it inviting?

Me Cat: i can't smell a thing.

Talia: exactly. you bought the Tidy Cat with the "24-Hour Protection" with that odious red on the cover of the container, right? that powerful "odor-blocker" stench is TOXIC to us cats, and it never leaves the area!!! we can't go in a box that smells like THAT!!! we need it to be unscented and neutral, we need to smell JUST OUR POO AND PEE for us to feel comfortable rolling around in that sand dune inside the box. i will say however, the Tidy Cat is SILKY, we GLIDE in that grey sand like we were going downhill in a 4x4 buggy in the Sahara Desert.

Linda Lavin: those funky phat beats in the Alice end-credits music, that was from Sesame Street. Sesame Street used to be cool in the '70s when they had groovy drug deals and Big Bird writing a letter to his landlord...

Jackie Fitzgerald carrying a bouquet of Mother's Day Chrysal flowers: not stoned, crying.

Jen R: not pollen.

Jackie: Clarence: The Lost Tapes, bring the show back. Clarence's mom reminds me of my mom.

Michael Jackson: i own my own gas station. now i can Moonwalk on the roof of this Detroit gas station all day for entertainment, but if you REALLY want gas prices to go down you're gonna have to elect me President.

Nicodemus: you're picturing me in a dark corner of the lobby of the Sherman Oaks Galleria in the '80s sucking on Flintstones vitamins.

Monsignor Navin: i'm the one supplying Nicodemus with the Flintstones vitamins, they're a soft stoning.

Nicodemus: at the St. Cyril's Stations of the Cross on a Thursday at 2PM, empty church.

Sphinx the cat: let's move to the dishwasher. so before you load this sucker up make sure all the mugs in the top shelf have their handles turned INWARD, otherwise the slide will get stuck. we cats have heard all the old horror stories about a bath, but this dishwasher is what we imagine a shower to be, the ultimate nightmare!!!

Mark Hapka: when you make the Victory Sign with your fingers on BOTH hands, that's actually the 11:11.

zucchini fritters: IMPOSSIBLE to make.

Lan Lam: tell me about it, honey.

Deepak Chopra: i speak with a Indian accent, okay? i'm not gay, i don't have a lisp.

Brett Somers: i hated Jonathan Livingston Seagull!!!

Jonathan Livingston Seagull: give me a break, lady!!! that makes me sad, i thought you were my mommy. livingston is British for toilet, that's why i can't fly to Heathrow.

Tim Allen in Home Improvement: i lost two sons. they disappeared. caveman tool guy, how did i become a Disney dad?...

Walt Disney: the Hunchback of Notre Dame...

Blue from Wild Orchid II: in a world of cynical porn where everyone sucks, i chose the innocence of love.

Zalman King: Blue was my greatest creation.

Zalman King's two daughters only WE can carry on the legacy of our father and mother, only WE can write the Red Shoe Diaries reboot. Euphoria sucks.

Cassia Streb: i play the violin in caves, J.G. Quintel helps me out, we have a husband/wife music thing going on like Washed Out.

J.G. Quintel: i was attracted to you because you're Casio Strobe, like an '80s synthesizer concert in lights.

KFC Double Down: we just copied the Kentucky Hot Brown...

Mordecai and Rigby: we live in the workhouse. it's a commune hostel thing. you ever wonder, "wait, where is Mordecai's apartment?" we like video games but we're so poor we can only afford Intellivision...

Yogi Bear: it's cool to live in a park.

Margaret and Eileen: we're the city girlfriends who live in the coffee shop...

Michael J. Fox with a werewolf face: if it's a high school basketball game, there will only ever be 12 people in the bleachers...

Michael Weiss: there must be a measure of forgiveness on Instagram...

Greykid the cat: you're about ready to take out the trash, you put 15 gallons of week-old milk in the trash can rather than the garbage disposal, that's good, don't forever gum up your garbage disposal. but listen: DOUBLE-BAG the trash can carrying all that milk!!! i'm an outdoor cat, i smell the rotten milk coming from your trash bin outside, it's not a pleasant way to sleep at night, you don't get nice cat dreams when you're smelling rotten milk.  

DOPAMINE IS AN OLD DRUG: ALL YOU EVER DID YOUR WHOLE LIFE WAS SLEEP!!!

 

me: i'm about to take my disco nap.

Jen R: but do you disco?

me: well not anymore.

Jen: i must caution you against all this stuff. it may seem nice to take a nice long 4-hour nap in the middle of the afternoon, but it actually makes you feel yucky afterward. let me explain...

Pentagon: we're releasing the UFO stuff like we're releasing the Epstein stuff...

sleep divorce: it saves marriages.

Matthew McConaughey: not alright alright alright. no. no, man. you have to sleep together in the same bed or no amount of the good-stuff ganja will save your blessed union.

Nicodemus: i'm either a Naruto character or a Jedi...

Nicodemus: you're picturing me in the mosaic pew of a Roman church eating Flintstones vitamins...

E.T.: i know what you're thinking, but there's no finger-to-finger transmission of the hantavirus...

Sphinx: cats don't like kibble, either.

Ed from Live: you know you see that package of 6 rolls of paper towels, it doesn't look like much, but it's bigger than it looks, it's deceptively big, you can only carry THIS ONE ITEM home with you in a bag. Spielberg, Lucas, Peter Weir. but people forget Jim Henson. Live is Jim Henson. it wasn't just Nirvana, Pearl Jam, I Mother Earth. toilet paper, paper towels, tissues. but people forget napkins. Live is napkins.

me: i've had a hell of a life.

Jen R: are you meaning here "hell" in a good or bad way?

me: bad.

Jen: it's not the weekend, it's the end week...

Laurence Olivier: Marilyn Monroe lost her tooth on set. well don't blame me, the girl slurped rum taffy like it was Chinese noodles. i kept her tooth but i'm not strange, it was research for a role...

on the Friends set.

Matthew Perry: i'm paranoid Sean Penn is gonna tickle me.

Lisa Kudrow: but that's not in the script. 

Matthew: as if any of us follow the script on this show!!!

Lisa: i'm worried about you.

Matthew: too late, you should have been worried about me during the first season. look, i'm sorry i called you a disgrace to all flower children everywhere at Lisa Whelchel's housewarming.

Lisa Whelchel: i was well chill during that incident.

Matthew: you aren't a natural blonde tho, right?

Lisa Kudrow: you wanna upskirt me or something?

Sean Penn: hey man, only Spicoli tickles...

Ray Walston: i wouldn't mind getting tickled by Spicoli.

Rebecca Lowe: the Relegation Darby?

hockey player: i mean if it's 0-4 in the second period, i'm just not gonna sweep my stick across the ice anymore, you know?

Melissa Maker: like how i subtly shade Jesus in my posts? a gentle lovetap. Gentile lovetap. i was the only person in Canada who liked Jesus Christ Superstar.

Igor Jesus: Monty Python's gonna have a field day with my name...

Trinity the cat: get Pumpkin insurance. you know why. you know me.

Billy Corgan: i had a cat. he found me annoying.

Nuno Espirito Santo: i am dispirited...

Snow Job: snow soldiers aren't cool in real life. 

Rambo in a white suit: yeah, only on G.I. Joe.

Jen R: hey, i used to be like you, all i wanted to do was spend a day where i slept for 27 hours.

me: what changed?

Jen: do you have midday headaches like a vampire?

me: i'm usually eating microwave popcorn.

Jen: when you take that 4-hour nap in the afternoon, it feels like the day ripped out your soul. the day stole something from you. you're not supposed to do this, you're supposed to sleep at night like everyone else. all you've done here is waste 4 hours of your life in the sun you could have been writing or fucking. 

THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: MAGNETIC WEDDING SPOONS

 

at the wedding at the grey castle, 100 guests crowd onto the observation deck below the turret where the wood table is crammed. genuine Italian Wedding Soup is served. along with the milk from an almond as an elixir.

the parson: i can't believe you agreed to marry me.

the king's daughter: the blacksmith tried to woo me but it was an obvious naked power grab.

Merlin: everyone in Medieval times is always naked.

king's daughter: i'm the only woman in the village who doesn't find the blacksmith attractive. i'm a lesbian.

Merlin: what's that? i thought at my advanced age i had seen it all.

king's daughter: i am very much a modern woman. do you know why a woman doesn't tell a man to his face that he's handsome? because we don't want to be perceived as shallow. women must have the utmost moral rectitude.

Merlin: okay i know that one, that's anal.

king's daughter: we must look at a person's character, that is all. otherwise we're no different from that old crone of an egg-seller downvillage who needs a chastity belt.

Merlin: she lives on a one-acre square of farm alone. fenced out from the nobles. and she is my wife. no magic can collapse the patriarchy.

pickle chips: potato chips that are pickle-flavored or 1/8 of a whole dill pickle?

Ted Turner: TBS, right? just have your own cable channel, makes things easier. we won the America's Cup but it turns out boating was just a '70s thing...

Gilligan: maybe if i had won it instead of you...

Ted Turner: where were the white liberals?!!! why was it only me and Phil Donahue?!!! 

Phil Donahue: i had a secret passion for adult cartoons.

Ted: the Soviet Union were our friends, they liked the Goodwill Games and Head of the Class. and the movie WarGames. the Olympics are corrupt. 24/7 is cool, but the internet is gonna SUCK.

Jane Fonda: Ted Turner was ELO...

Ted: Richard Dreyfuss to play me?

Jane: and Jane Fonda to play me.

Pope Bob: fuck these banks and their service fees. i'm keeping my John Paul II lira deep under the Vatican. i'd turn the tables of those moneychangers like Jesus but they're ping-pong tables...

Pope Bob: when am i hosting SNL?

Lorne Michaels: we got the Chicago connection. who's the musical guest?

Pope Bob: the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Lorne: always problematic.

flight attendant: i got hantavirus from you?

Chuck E. Cheese: sorry. this plane is small.

flight attendant: but it requires PROLONGED exposure to someone.

Chuck E. Cheese: we fucked in the mousehole of the bathroom cabin, remember? 

flight attendant: that's right, we were flying over the Andes mountains as we snacked on tiny chocolate mints...

Barney Frank in hospice care: i'll be straight with you, this whole life thing, i just don't know...

Barney Frank: the country? the country was lost the moment i entered hospice care...

cozy mystery: no knives, no guns, the murder victim dies in a granary...

Lucy Lawless: death will not send you into a lesbian spiral on your way down to Tartarus.

Cecily Strong: i give up, America wants Jost and Che the way America wants Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless...

Molly Sanborn: look at my face, you'd think i would have reviewed Veruca Salt by now...

the blacksmith from the height of the turret unsheathes his silver sword.

blacksmith: which is a GIANT ROD of a magnet.

he lowers it in the air above the wedding table. the feast stays but all the guests' spoons fly up in the air as if by magic and attach to the sword.

the parson stands up on the wedding table.

parson: SEE?!!! you see this, village?!!! the mayor is trying to STEAL your hard-earned silver, all the silver in the land, and hoard it for himself!!!

blacksmith: i have a hoarding problem? this is the first Medieval horde!!! let's make a deal, no more taxes...

king's daughter: release daddy at once!!! or i won't tell you the location of Excalibur. clue: i have to put on my mermaid tail and lake gauntlet to retrieve it...

blacksmith: fine. allright. oll korrect. i seem to like swords a lot. i've never been married. doesn't matter i'm gonna die soon.

the king, who is one foot tall, comes out of the dungeon under the wedding table. NOT wearing the crown...

the king: see? having spoons be magnetic is problematic. make them out of stainless steel, not metal, in the future. for just this reason, you're eating your nice walnut wedding salad and suddenly your spoon is flying to the nearest pole. but change the spoons back to magnetic for one day when you drop a spoon in the lint trap of your dryer...

parson: and that is why YOU are king. i don't want to be in a leadership position, too much work.

 

  

 

THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: FARMER GOES TO COLLEGE

 

the blacksmith is now the priest. he presides over his court where a jester entertains him daily.

blacksmith: no more of the jester, get the hook. hook his neck offstage but don't hurt him. this jester's not really funny, he's always just lukewarm like Bill Maher. i'd rather have the guy who makes the mince pies appear before me more.

meanwhile the parson is now a farmer.

parson: i mean growing turnips is fine, but a revolution is coming when everyone in the land will start eating potatoes. there doesn't seem to be much upward mobility in this job: a farmer in Medieval times. you just kinda take over your father's farm and that's your life.

father: if you're lucky, sonny. if a robber baron doesn't mug you and steal your farm from under you on the dirt road.

parson: do people go to college around here? is there higher education?

father: try the castle, kiddo. always try the castle. the castle is where everything is kept.

John Schlesinger: notice the non-sequitur scenes of the neighborhood boys taunting Dustin Hoffman in Marathon Man? not a West Side Story tribute. that's what happened to me when i first got to New York City, neighborhood boys thought i was gay for some reason.

hooker's lips: the rose is named after Hooker the botanist, but it does look like...

Mick Jagger: ...my lips.

Tom Cruise: hey, don't even try it, you will never OUTRUN me at my own Scientology facility!!!

Purple Passion: the first Purple Drank.

David Beckham and Posh Spice have just divorced. the two find themselves in the same line for the loo at a dingy London underground punk club with graffiti on the walls and bathroom walls. David Beckham can't speak, he is sheepish. 

Posh finally after a quarter of an hour: well. this is awkward.

David: quite.

Posh: we didn't stay together for the kid, the kid hates us both.

at ESPN.

the betting guy: i don't get it, we're both the betting guy at ESPN, why did Tyler move up to SportsCenter anchor?

Tyler: because i'm tall dark and handsome.

Erin Dolan: and Indian, know what i'm sayin'.

Tyler: and you are a nondescript white boy.

random blonde: is that French? are you trying to be funny on SportsCenter? i don't care, i just work here...

Match Game: if the answer is to fuck, say kiss...

Lucy at the Brown Derby trying to spot William Holden: the Cobb salad was invented here.

William Holden: a dame with brains!!! finally!!!

Lucy: yeah, Cobb because they cobble together 12 ingredients to make the salad...

Mr. Diamond at Crespi: i became a high school Spanish teacher so i wouldn't have any money for Dustin Diamond to steal!!! as long as i could keep an eye on ol' shifty Dusty, as long as he was a yardstick away from me playing that Rygar cabinet at the arcade, i felt safe.

Muhammad Ali: i'm a Mainer?

Brett Somers: isn't he the cutest thing. sure, we call you Barnesy Ali.

Sonny Liston: that whole iconic black-and-white photograph of you in all your virile masculine lion glory was a show, a setup by the mob.

Muhammad: and you should know, Son. of course it was, everyone poses for a picture...

 

the parson gets to the grey castle over the one bridge above the moat.

parson: imagine there were two bridges...

inside the castle is the first secret Masonic university. the parson breaks a few castlestones over this head to gain entrance to the wood trapdoor and undoes the heavy pewter lock from the inside using his elbow.

parson: the first elbow grease.

there's a grimoire open on a carved book stand.

parson: the cover of this book says VILLAGE CIVICS. but this book is just the King James Bible!!!

he flips to the end page.

parson: i hate spoilering like this but i have not time. 23 years. here we go it says: he who holds the silver holds the key to the village.

parson: does the blacksmith fashion the key out of misbegotten silver from France? silver is more valuable than gold, silver is foreign. 

the parson notices a blank long scroll in the corner of the old dusty room. he closes his eyes and imagines writing on the scroll. he opens his eyes to witness the writing on the scroll saying: everyone in the world will get their news from CNN, it will be the subconscious default source of news for the world.

parson: i'm still a wizard!!!