FLOOD THE GATES: HELPING A FRIEND MOVE AN ARCADE CABINET

 

Grandma Winslow: where do you live?

Gates McFadden: on Mars.

Grandma Winslow: your place is out of sight!!!

Gates: yes, it's in space, away from the prying eyes of a little kid's telescope. 

Grandma Winslow: i'm loving the biodome we're under.

Gates: it's a heat dome at night...

Grandma Winslow: and all the family photos hung up by the fireplace. is that your son?

Gates: son, daughter, does it matter?

Gates: now that we're living together, there are some ground rules.

Grandma Winslow: but how? we're a flaming asteroid hurtling in non-Euclidean geometric circles in space!!! miles from any ground. 

Gates: it's a wonder we don't crash. open the icebox. see? the ice is in the shape of a space worm. 

Grandma Winslow: i see, you don't want that disturbed so i'll never get ice. i'll open a window, ice from a nearby rogue comet will land in my hand.

Gates: the way liquid works in space, you really have to EMPTY THE WATER from all the bottles and paper dishes before putting them in the recycle bin or the bin will melt. especially those Ensure milk cartons nobody drinks, those things are SPRAYERS!!!

on the third day (or night) Grandma Winslow helps Gates move the NBA Jam: Knicks Edition arcade cabinet from her (their) house to the New York City Comic Con for display.

Gates: you can only play as Jalen Brunson...

Grandma Winslow: nice joystick, it bursts into flames when you dunk!!!

Lucio Rossi on Kidquiz: to my left is Patrick Lavender, to my right is Mark Blatty. we're competing for the best Southern California school: St. Cyril's. if we win we don't get a dictionary, we get a dictionary holder?...

local weatherman who looks like Lucio Rossi's dad: your mother made me do this. and a coupon for $10 off your next grocery shop at the Ralphs in Tarzana.

Morrissey: my final album, the last thing i do musically, it shall be called Sundae.

Morrissey's mother: i changed the locks, dear, you can't get in the house.

Jannik Sinner: my bloody sock, unlike Curt Schilling's, didn't make me an asshole. it was the result of a bad toenail, a hangnail on my toe. hold my calls, i'm at the Gorgeous Pretty Beauty Salon all week...

Ms. Swan: call me Bunny. i learned how to do Italian nails from Lucio Rossi's mom.

penalty kicks: walking to the electric chair...

pasta salad: no, not the macaroni salad...

Ben Shelton: i don't care what any y'all say, i'm the best Michael Jackson. i'm an American and my best surface is clay?...

'90s sex: doing the wild thing.

BB King replacing a broken guitar string mid-song at a live concert as he sings: teach me how to make love.........go...

1991 live studio audience at a TV-show taping: let's HOOP AND HOLLER for no reason!!!

Alex P. Keaton: HEY!!! Family Ties is a serious family drama, not a sitcom...

Bob Hoskins: have you ever watched TV through binoculars?...

Krull: the young king's smile on a box of Corn Flakes...

Connie Stevens: but i look NOTHING like Marilyn Monroe...

at the tan con card-table Gates McFadden is signing headshots and getting into fights with fans.

Gates McFadden: sorry, folks, B&W headshots only, i ran out of the color ones. i know, right? why am i even a redhead?

TecWinger: Trump bought the WB and i lost my will to live. what do i do now? in terms of life. i'm not married and i don't believe in Jesus.

Gates: it's just, the WB had some good cartoons.

TecWinger: yeah, HAD.

Gates: you can still watch those cartoons. when you watch old cartoons it's just like watching new cartoons...

TecWinger: i'm just realizing now that the entirety of my life has been consumed with cartoons. not with people. or people skills. or job skills. i didn't plan for this...

Gates: you really shouldn't be seeking therapy on a messageboard. you need an actual professional psychiatrist. or professional priest. or doula. go to Italy. pay a woman to hug you for an hour.

back at the Mars house.

Grandma Winslow: great work out there, you saved that kid's life. he was probably gonna kill himself.

Gates: that was a 50-year-old virgin who lives with his parents and plays with dolls. these are the ONLY men i meet at conventions. they all remind me of my son.

Grandma Winslow: well i better go back home.........to San Antonio...

Gates: don't be silly, silly, the USS Enterprise just docked at our kitchen... 

FLOOD THE GATES: THE IMPOSSIBLE FRIENDSHIP

 

Grandma Winslow: i'm 60 and that's old enough for this world to call me Grandma. so i need a distraction.

Jen R: wait haven't i seen you round the neighborhood? do you have a son named Brian? tan Brady Bunch hair?

Grandma Winslow: that's him. he drinks from the hose on every front lawn in the neighborhood, wheels out his drum kit in the middle of the cul-de-sac, puts on his sunglasses, takes out his wooden drumsticks, and BANGS the fuck outta those drums all night long.

Jen: Brian was my boyfriend for a couple Christmases.

me: i tried to take those drumsticks out of Brian's hands but his fingers were a vise grip. he was way too close to my future self, i panicked and let go. 

Grandma Winslow: you see why i go hardcore with my Star Trek fandom?

Grandma Winslow: i had the most AMAZING experience at the San Antonio Star Trek convention!!! Gates McFadden herself came up to me and started chatting with me like we were old friends. she was not being a gatekeeper. this kinda stuff NEVER happens to me!!!

Jen: what did you talk about?

Grandma Winslow: old-lady stuff, knitting. does she have a son, too? i forgot. grandkids. we both have white hair. we're both 60!!!

Richard Dawson: the monk saw the nun and his habit returned...

Pope Bob: my mom was a nun, that's how i got in the family business.

dad: Bosnia. i fretted over that '90s Sarajevo war/ as i fell in love with Christiane Amanpour...

ESPN: who wants to talk to a male volleyball player?...

Mitchel Musso: call me Mousse. as in '90s hair gel. what am i doing now? NOT watching TV, playing Arena Ball, masturbating, still drinking milk, making tacos and poutine for everyone at the Aspen Ideas Festival. Miley Cyrus looks weird as a woman...

Fareed Zakaria: frijoles, Spanish rice, all Indian food that became Mexican food. as a global order we must make the distinction that this is saffron rice, not orange rice...

Juan Epstein: Robert Heck-yes...

Congo: we're sick of war with Rwanda, let the courts decide. let the courts decide every disagreement between two countries before it becomes war...

Stefanos Tsitsipas: i wanted my face to be on the drachma. the ancient drachma. i wanted to bed Shirley Valentine. when i died i wanted to ascend to Mount Olympus. instead, i will only ever be known as the guy who went to the bathroom. i shoulda been a janitor...

Congo: remember when we were Zaire?

Rebecca Lowe in a leopard dress: you got no chance with me, Zlatan, no chance...

Grandma Winslow: know how you know a 60-year-old woman on Instagram likes you?

me: tell me, i'm desperate for a gilf to love me.

Grandma Winslow: she sends you something and says, "i don't know why, but i thought you'd appreciate this..."

Waldo: where was i hiding? i was Pizza Guy in Fast Times at Ridgemont High, check the T-shirt...

Get a Life: this show was doing anti-comedy decades before Tim & Eric.

Handsome Boy: ...

Chris Elliott: did my daughter Abby marry Tim Heidecker?.........we dodged a bullet on that one...

Felicia's Journey: Who Framed Roger Rabbit without any of those silly cartoons...

Bob Hoskins: bring the cartoons back!!! i need lighthearted fare to heal!!!

Medieval times: you're only gonna live to 30, why waste half your life in school?...

Dressrosa: instead of watching this ENTIRE One Piece arc, you coulda had a kid!!!

Doflamingo: i told you to go out there and make some happy memories for yourself with your loved ones.

Open Your Eyes: you'll heal if George Lucas is your prison therapist...

Tom Cruise: why didn't you ever put me in one of your movies?

George Lucas: i thought you were lost in the Vanilla Nebula...

Grandma Winslow on the phone: hello? is this really Gates McFadden?!!!

Gates McFadden on her PADD phone: is your phone in the shape of Jean-Luc Picard's bald head?

Grandma Winslow: yes.

Gates: you left such an impression on me at the con i had to call you at your home using your private number. 

Grandma Winslow: i was just about to cook up some carnival food for lunch, want some?

Gates: we're more than friends, we're besties.

Grandma Winslow: but how? i'm but one of a billion Star Trek fans out there like the billion stars in deep space. do you really like the sewing shit? i'm but a lowly sewist from San Antonio.

Gates: i'm so glad i'm now away from the state of Texas. no, silly, it's because you told me you got in the field of nursing because you saw me saving alien lives on the small screen, i inspired you.  

Grandma Winslow: nursing helped me crack my coke addiction from the '80s.

Gates: remember? we were wearing matching blue medical Starfleet uniforms? 

Grandma Winslow has fainted in her own home. the house is silent.

Gates: get a pad and pencil, i'll give you the address, visit me in my own private home tomorrow...

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: IT WAS BETTER WHEN HE WAS FACELESS

 

Jen R: feeling better?

Banksy: no. nobody looks at my art anymore and sees the subtle political underleanings. they just see my ugly face.

Jen: you're having an identity crisis but in reverse.

Banksy: how do i inspire again? 

Jen: you need a pseudonym...

Jen R on the dusty-green telephone: it's okay, we can talk now, we can talk again.

me: what happened to Banksy?

Jen: he's feeling like himself.........which is an unknown...

me: so where was Banksy staying this whole time?

Jen: my place.

Banksy at Jen's place: the minute-long Burger King commercial where the new president kicks the creepy King plastic-head-can't-talk-mouth mascot out of his hostel and vows to make the Whopper taste like it did in the '80s, that's the only thing that gives me hope for the world right now!!!

bodega: it has to have a coin-operated horsey ride out front for the kids.

Sorsby: forget the NFL, i'm entering the supplemental Scooby draft. i bet you i can solve the mystery of the old miner, grow the first goatee in the '70s on my chin, become Shaggy, and disappear.

Fred: none of us had jobs, we all just wandered the countryside solving mysteries in our van for free. we'd eat when we'd drive into the city...

Lili Estefan: Rauly? Raulie?

Raul De Molina: no, Rauli to match with Lili...

Atom Egoyan: omg my daughter Lucine in Calendar is Paris Jackson!!!

Paris Jackson: no it's the Afghan Girl from that famous National Geographic cover.

Lucine: ONLY an Armenian name...

the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man: but i was a gentle giant. i don't get it, look at my derpy face, i have a derpier face than Vinnie Barbarino.

live-shooter drill in the town square: does this make you feel safer? or more scared? let's have a multicultural parade here instead.

Trump: the only way this ALL ends is.........the 2028 general election.........maybe...

Christiane Amanpour: Bosnia vs. the U.S. brings back those old '90s memories when your dad fell in love with me.

dad: Sarajevo. the war. Christiane poured the news into me with a mother's pat. swaddling me in a working mother's pillowy towel. despite being at work she gave me soft yogurt when i came home from school at 3PM...

Christiane: i will always be the greatest Iranian who ever lived...

Suzy Lu wearing a Luffy hat: i'm ready, where do i enlist in the Tartan Army? it's an anime club, right?

Michael Stipe: the "Stand" lyrics make sense if you're a human compass...

Waldo: ...

Rush: the trees...

Chris Elliott: i choked on my cereal and went to Heaven, that's the dream of every single man living with his parents. while up there Abraham Lincoln punched me in the gut. i was witness to Honest Abe's legendary wrestling moves up close.

The Music Man: the ULTIMATE musical.

Anderson Cooper: ...

Lifetime Movies: Hallmark Movies with crime...

black Playboy Bunny: is this progress?...

me: i'm off.

Jen R: leaving?

me: not right.

Jen: have a honey yogurt, it'll restore your pH balance. 

Jamie Lee Curtis: which is just your mental balance. i do NOT look good with long hair...

Jen: why is all the honey yogurt at your place hard?!!!! 

me: i need a chisel, not a spoon.

Jen: there's no such thing as Iranian frozen yogurt...

me: why does all my milk taste metallic? the expiration date is July 4.

Jen R: revolutions are messy, they require guns.

me: and the Heinz Chili Sauce.

Jen: right? it's just ketchup, they forgot to put chilis in there, all the bottles look the same.

our dusty-green telephone sits on top of an unfinished Banksy street stencil about the Three-State Solution in army-fatigue green that looks like olive-branch green. 

me: i give up, all spaghetti sauce tastes terrible. 

Jen R at my place: Rao's Marinara. and homestyle mini-meatballs. the Kraft parmesan cheese in the green shaker is more powdery than you remember from the '80s. there, you've reclaimed your spaghetti for dinner!!!

me: i am devoted to you.  

BANKSY'S SECRETARY: PUFFA

 

Jen R on the powder-green telephone: i gotta go, Banksy is depressed.

me on the phone: talk to you soon.

Jen: i'm not a psychiatrist.

me: i don't trust clinical psychiatrists, only street psychiatrists.

Jen: so i set him up with a friend to talk to. he needs a friend, not a doctor. 

Banksy at his place: i'm freaking out, man.

Harvey Pekar: calm down, Banksy. be chill like me. it's not that bad. life is happy.

Banksy: for you always but not me this time. i'm peak stress. i wish i could hide from everyone forever.........wait, that's what i'd BEEN doing!!! i can never hide again.

Harvey: listen, Robin.

Banksy: at least call me Davey!!!

Harvey: do you know why i went BUCK WILD on Letterman that one time? they didn't feed me in the dressing room, i was HUNGRY!!!

Jen R: okay we can talk. crisis averted. all i have to do is fetch Banksy a Puffa jacket so he feels like a New Yorker again. so he feels he can blend into the crowd again. 

me: i'm at church with Jaleel White's mom, she wears all-white: dress, hat, heel shoes, gloves. her fellow church divas are all little old short ladies in eggshell blue: dress, hat, heel shoes, gloves. she lines the church ladies all neatly up in a row in the pew and SLAPS them all across the face in one fell gloved swoop slap for disrespecting her son for being Urkel.

Jen: that was a surreal one. your dreams are always so much more interesting than your real life...

Lorne Michaels: you want living history? watch the first SNL after a new American President has taken office...

Hunter S. Thompson: don't be afraid of me, i'm just Ernest from Ernest Goes to Camp...

Denny's: there is nothing more moldy than three blue dots in your giant potato pancake that's been sitting in your fridge for four months in our impossible-to-open suction-suck circle black containers.

Marketa Vondrousova: listen man, it's not like that, man.

Scooby-Doo: it was market forces. people don't buy Vidal Sassoon no more.

Marketa: my new husband Shaggy, man, we solve crimes in a van. is the dog talking or is that the weed talking? we're children of the flower. i don't like the popo knowing about me, knowing where i am at all times, knowing where i'm going, harassing me, having me on file.

Chutes and Ladders: if Sesame Street was a board game...

Trading Places: who knew Coleman could act?...

Don Ameche: i'm pizza.

Lili Estefan: when do the soccer players go to the bathroom?

Raul De Molina: that's what the hydration break is for, Lili: pee.

Lili: what if they have to go poo, Rauly?

Raul: they poo on the pitch, Lili. they pinch one out on the pitch.

Melissa Maker: when the next man comes along? well he won't be wearing a cowboy hat, this is Canada, not Mexico!!!

Chad Reynolds: ...

me: i love you.

Jen R: you wouldn't say that if you saw me now. i'm fat.

me: bah!!! i love your soul, not your body.

Jen: you say that but...

me: oh now i get it, the puffa jacket was for YOU!!! to hide your whale body in shame.

Jen: i'm not THAT bad. huh, maybe i can believe a man in this one instance...

Jen R on the dusty-green phone: Calendar teaches us to always respond to messages. 

me on the phone: there's nothing worse than unanswered letters.

Atom Egoyan: call her back while naked on a leather couch.