MONK MAFIA: CHRISTMAS BALLOONS / THREE DOG NIGHT

 

Bede: you're in this room because you failed to pay your bills.

Peewit: the monastery is prison.

Bede: no, you.........you stepped on my line, i was gonna say BUT this is not a prison, it's my psychiatrist's cell.

Peewit: same difference.

Bede: no, man, this is gonna be FUN!!! we're here to explore YOUR insecurities and foibles!!! please tell me.

Peewit: aren't YOU supposed to figure that out?

Bede: who do i look like to you, Summer Sanders? tell me anything.

Peewit: Christmas balloons. right? Christmas balloons are WEIRD. balloons that say Merry Christmas, have you EVER seen ANYBODY have these balloons in their house? like you see a Merry Christmas balloon next to the Christmas tree? NOBODY does this.

Arthur Agee's dad: when you confess your sins in front of the general public, THAT is church.

Jean-Luc Picard: i don't have a Christmas mantle, i have a log room...

Herdez salsa: can we PLEASE make our jar necks WIDE for easier chip-dipping?

tikka-masala rice: it's tricky, those clumps of rice look like chicken...

Jen R: taste like chicken, too.

Sean Connery: be sure to pour a tiny tin silver can of Glasgow Scottish tomatoes in that chicken tikka masala bowl of rice...

Suzy Lu: ...

Julie Patzwald: a DBZ-themed goth-band name: Crooked Cricket.

Boc sick in bed eating a biscuit: the soles of my feet have become Fruit Roll-Ups from walking.

Lindy Lenz: like those jagged-edged fruit-flavored triangular ice pops from the '90s, remember those?

Link speaking in an Australian accent: remember when Fruit Roll-Ups would form mold in the sun?

Lindy Lenz: call me Linky Lenz.

dad: Buzzbugs has that Choose Your Own Adventure vibe, that easygoing storytelling style about life set in a nice village...

Jen R: i want to wear a coat that's an ENDLESS hot shower, i NEVER want that hot water cascading down my soft shoulders to end.

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

Chevy Chase: kiss your ass, think about it.

Takahashi: oh yeah, remember that stapler at the mall that would remove the shoplift bone from the blouses and jeans at Miller's Outpost?

Winona Ryder: ...

hot counter girl: wanna touch my tits? because you can't.

Clark Griswold: i'm just wiping the sweat off my brow with your panties as my handkerchief.

Clark: my son is cool, he has a Where the Wild Things Are poster on his wall.

Clark's mom: remember the game i did with you when you were little? your nose is the ladder and i stick my finger in your mouth.

Clark: yes ma but why?

Clark's mom: bats in the belfry.

Clark: hot-glue your Christmas lights to your house's leaf filter. Chicago always rains, right?

Elaine from Seinfeld: how'd the carpet get wet?

Patrick Bateman: you PEED on the carpet, Elaine!!!

son: feed the hog.

mom: masturbate?

grandpa: even grandpas masturbate under the covers when the poster of Gina Gershon is on the attic-door ceiling.

Ellen to Clark: i didn't marry you, i married your cure cleft chin.

Clark: i was hoping nobody would notice that. 

Ellen: your chin divot. i'm into golf.

King's Hawaiian Rolls: we can't be toasted, yeah, sorry.

Ozone wearing Fred Astaire's shoes: scratch culture, you thought it had to do with itchy butts.

Turbo riding the Tour de France: and you'd be right, only DANCE can cure an itchy butt.

Ozone: lottery tickets are sold at the bodega i work at, the whole thing's a scam that traps the urban poor, that's why we had to come up with our OWN scratch culture.

Kate Bush: "Running Up That Hill," i conceived that song when i conceived the baby of the lute man from Storybook International under Medieval elm.

the Storybook International luter: many people don't know this but that hill was grassy, not asphalt. we used severely-triangular lutes back then...

Ed from Live: i'm not Thom from Radiohead...

Christopher Kimball: how do you pronounce caramel?

Wendy: no one knows.

Jesus: the Gaza/Israel ceasefire will drop on December 25, my birthday.........a day that has no significance to either side...

Shel Silverstein: there was nothing more magical than a 1970s coloring book.

Roger Federer: why aren't there 4 tennis balls in a can? at least that's a game.

Novak Djokovic: ...

Roger: 4 points.

Novak: why am i still here?

Link: make your tissues into tiny triangles to blow your nose, that turns your mucus into magic mucus.

the Legend of Zelda whistle: turns your mucus into music.

Link: the Triforce is helping you blow your nose.

Ganon: try blowing your nose while sucking on a Tootsie Roll Pop. as your liquid mucus waterfalls out your nostrils like clear droplets of light brown sugar. as you're battling a stubborn cough.

Peewit: i see him.

Bede: who?

Peewit: the boy. he's 13. his head is turned so no one can see his face. but i know he's wearing glasses and has freckles. his hair is brown, moptop. he's in the studio where they film Land of the Lost. the entire studio is covered in orange carpet, all four walls and the floor and ceiling. and the stairs. he's on a step off the center of the stage. he wears tall lanky midnight-blue bellbottoms and a chocolate-brown corduroy shirt. he has his back turned to the audience in the ultimate sign of respect.

Bede: how's that? 

Peewit: because he's about to dance. he starts off subtle, a thread of groove lifts his entire body. he starts shaking his head to one side, bopping his head frequently, always the left side, always to the left, his head hitting his shoulder. his knees follow this groove, up and down like a collapsible construction-site crane ladder. he slaps the other side of his pants with his palm creating that SCHGWINGY slidey sound of corduroy.

Bede: like a bow against a violin. this boy is special to you, he is what you cannot be, he represents for you freedom.

Peewit: yeah. a freer time. he's from the '70s, i'm from the '80s. i took up to him. i envy his dance moves. he's jamming out to Three Dog Night's "Joy to the World."

Bede: it's that cold? 

MONK MAFIA: SOGGY NAPKINS

 

in the middle of the trip from Japan to Cali our speedboat capsizes.

Jen R: smooth move, ex-lax.

Peewit: please, that makes me think of my ex.........Johan.

me: feel ya.

Jen: we're all wet, both meanings.

Peewit: it's okay, we'll just have to toss the Santa bag overboard, lose all the goodies in the ocean, and the bag will act as our flotation device until help arrives.

Jen: i mean you could have NOT inverted the Santa bag and lost everything...

Peewit: of all the items we just lost, there was one that really makes me cry.

Jen R: before our latest misadventure i went back to your candy shoppe, Peewit. it doesn't just have candy, it has produce. i bought Brussels sprouts STILL ON THE STALK!!! fascinating that. have you seen these things? 30 Brussels sprout balls, 10 to a row, 3 rows, like a raft of jingle bells.

Peewit: that raft is a SUPER STALK, it's GIANT like the giant who inhabits the land of the clouds above the beanstalk. 

Jen: the Fe-Fi-Fo-Fum giant? what's his name anyway?

Peewit: i called him Fum because he was foaming at the mouth. 

Jen: it's Jack and the Beanstalk up in this bitch up in the clouds. Hot Navy Bean is the soup of the day over at Safeway, soup season is year-round.

Peewit: the giant held sidekick seminars up in the clouds, that's where i met him. 

Fum: you were a shit squire, giants like me are the best sidekicks.

Peter Venkman from Ghostbusters: i want to make a call using King Yemma's phone.

Peter Venkman: i'm not a bad guy, i dated Velma. we had a lot in common: the ghosts thing.

Velma: except all my ghosts were bad men.

me at the Treehouse: i'm eating my Snickers bar but i don't remember eating it, it's the strangest thing.

Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer: i'm not the Chupacabra.

Mark Gastineau at Times Square Church: when i dance at church i'm not filled with the Holy Spirit, i'm filled with greenies.

Greeny at ESPN wearing a green New York Jets beanie: i eat at Green Burrito. my wife won't let me eat at Carl's Jr.

Mark Gastineau: i'm the real-life Gaston.

Pastor Lorne Michaels: this is a real church, an actual church, not a Broadway stage.

the Lucky Charms mascot: for some reason you thought the green of the New York Jets was light green...

Mark Gastineau: i fell in love with my fellow giant Brigitte Nielsen. she was in Pippi Longstocking, right? i only saw her in Red Sonja.

Brigitte Nielsen: i am HUGE on Instagram.

Mark Gastineau: let me cold-cock you in the cock and we'll call it even, Brett Favre. 

Brett Favre: you went to church for this? when a quarterback gets sacked, why can't he just stay on the ground for the rest of the game and take a nap?

Julie Patzwald in DBZ Other World: i mean shouldn't i be in ALL the Hellboy movies? i was Hellboy's daughter in that Outer Limits.

The Flintstones Christmas episode.

Dino: you never noticed those Playboy posters of naked female dinosaurs on the wall above my bed...

Wilma: Playrock.

man with pencil mustache: wait, am i the YEEEEEEEEEESSS Guy? why are you so popular?

Fred as Santa: i'm more famous than The Beatles. Jesus hasn't been born yet.

Fred: how do all the presents get delivered to all the girls and boys all over the world in one night?

Twinky the elf: we DO take coffee breaks. yeah my name is Twinky, got a problem with that?

The Sphinx: Egypt doesn't really celebrate Christmas, it has me, i'm cooler. a shower of Christmas presents falling on the Great Pyramids is a cool visual tho.

Gerry Johnson: back in the day a cartoon like The Flintstones was drawn by only 4 animators...

National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation.

John Hughes: you never thought it'd start with a Robert Crumb Santa.

Seth Green: why am i on Santa's List?

Lindsey Buckingham: am i singing this intro Christmas song?...

Clark Griswold: so we're just gonna ignore that our two kids are different now?

mom: i had that exact same Ford Taurus stationwagon in the '80s!!!

Clark: we're cutting down a wild Christmas tree the Joe Pera way. 

Clark to Ellen Griswold: i didn't marry you because you're hot and you look like Beverly D'Angelo, i married you because you call me Sparky in bed.

Jacques Pepin: hard sauce is what happened to me one night in Monaco with your mother.

Gloria Pepin: Jacques has an offset spatula down there.

Claudine Pepin: Peyronie's Disease?

Gloria: thank god Claudine was still born.

Jacques: Peyronie was a Frenchman.

Paul: i leave my GIANT National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation-size Christmas display on my house with all the Tron lightshows and neon inflatable Grinch balloon statues ON during a lightning storm. it's a power thing.

Lucio: can i help you with that tri-color beam of light?

PG&E: this is where we earn the big bucks, we'll have this power outage licked in one hour...

PG&E: you have one of those phones that somehow works during a power outage, right?

Gunther: i do.

Jackie Fitzgerald: the power outage made our lovemaking the SUMPTUOUSER.

PG&E: the power outage occurred on a Saturday so you still have to go to school on Monday...

Julie Patzwald: the gothest goth-band name of all: When Your Friends Leave.

Claudine Pepin: Papa, why did you name me after your boring friend?

Falkor: i like em burly.

PG&E: why is everybody complaining? it's a CHRISTMAS MIRACLE your power came back on an hour before we said it would. we blocked our complaints inbox, it just got to be too much.

Lindy Lenz: when my roof collapsed, so did our chances at a relationship.

A Hatful of Reactions: if i reviewed every single 1990s Outer Limits episode from beginning to end on YouTube, that would be your experience of having had a son.

Capp: i'm 200 years old, but i'm not a Titan. i've gone through the grind of 200 years of tired giving-up.

me in a scarf and sweater with a book in each hand by the digital fire: i'm reading Buzzbugs and Sarum until the Wi-Fi settles...

Jen R: that's cool that 411 still works...

McCafe Doodles: if you want to continue with Adventure Time...

Wilford Brimley: eat your oats for scratchy throat.

that one guy in the B-52's: i don't sing, i'm the band's spoken-word artist...

Jen R: do we have a raft? of Brussels sprouts?

me: okay, in this situation, i give up, give me a Coke. 

SUDDENLY three monks come FLYING IN THE SKY and hover above we three poor souls stranded in the middle of the ocean by an upturned speedboat. these three flying monks in their floating robes and floating sandals pierce the sun-dewed clouds with their intimidating icy stares. they are: Bede, Butt, and Navin.

Bede: WE ALWAYS GET OUR MAN!!! we're the monk mafia.

Jen R: well, you DID say you wanted to meet with the monks again.

Peewit: i'm holding on for dear life to a Santa sack, let us pray on my desperate need for magic in my life.

Bede shaking his head: sad. have you paid out your loans to Tony Soprano?

Tony Reali: is that code for COLLEGE!!!?

Jen R: hey Stat Boy, can i have one of your bananas?

Bede: what about your loans to US?!!! you OWE us!!!

Peewit: i swear i don't have any money!!! i'm not in arrears, check my blond butt for gold coins.

Navin: they're chocolate coins, i know that trick.

Butt: your wittle butt? we all have wittle butts.

Peewit: i'm but a poor Medieval peasant.

Bede: not money, numbnuts, CANDY!!! you know we monks regard candy as our currency. the monastery only accepts chocolate bars as payment for fruitcake.

Peewit: BUT I DID!!! but you know what i'm REALLY crestfallen over? i had a batch of napkins i was gonna give you but they got wet.

Bede: why?

Peewit: don't you guys like to eat meals together?

Bede: no monk likes anime, anime is creepy. okay, come back with us, i have to talk to you.

Peewit: to scold me?

Bede: no, in session. i want to dig deep and find out what's really going on with you, Brother Peewit.

 

THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: SAILOR STARS ON TV!!!

 

me: want a cross?

Peewit: i'm tempted.

Jen R: you won't get a temple priestess. have you seen Sailor Mars? she's feisty. and frosty. that girl wears red high heels under her robe.

Peewit: i raided my own candy shoppe. i put everything in a great big furry red Santa bag: Hot Cocoa LIFE Cereal, Coca-Cola Jack Daniels, Fireball Cinnamon Whisky, Irish Cream Mean Bean, and Peppermint Crunch Junior Mints. there's nothing seasonal left on the shelves.

Jen R: why?

Peewit: Buddhism was a temporary gig.

Buddha: transitory.

Peewit: this has been my lifeplan all along. i was going back to Big Sur to become a REAL monk. 

me: is this why Jen and i are getting into your speedboat?

Three Dog Night "Joy to the World" plays in the candy shoppe one last time...

Peewit: they gotta take me now!!! they gotta let me in without a key!!! i'm showering the monk brother fellas with all this Christmas food!!! i have one more surprise up my robesleeve if they reject me once again.

Jen: is this a Friday the 13th thing?

Peewit: Buddhists LOVE 13. nothing to do with the Buddhist Satan. it's weird tho, right? why does Friday the 13th always fall on Christmas, not Halloween?

Jen: yeah, in the '80s at St. Cyril's we'd debate whether or not to ditch school on Friday the 13th. the problem was there was always a test that day because it was a Friday!!!

barbekitchen: Barbie's kitchen.

Shorey Wesen: i was conceived along the sandy shores of a beach lobster pit in Boston.

Wednesday: football purgatory.

Jules Smith: NFL, not Premier League.

Michael Weiss: Instagram doesn't work if everybody just stands there STARING...

Northern Exposure: the writing is prestige.

Deepak Chopra: i was a blubber growing up.

Alejandro: while you were busy posting your Disneyland vintage pics on Instagram, i was posting my Disneyland DATE pics!!!...

Ronaldo: i thought ball gag was when i miss the soccer ball in the net.

Steven de Jesus: i kiss my fingers in blessing like i'm smoking a joint.

Papa Smurf: the name of the best kush is Let Smurfette.

Christopher Kimball: never a good look when the label on your wine bottle gets blurred by PBS.

Rosemary Gill: my face is INTERESTING.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Garlic Jr.: i'm short and this movie is a short.

Dead Zone black hole: don't worry, it's just chocolate chunks in a vanilla-raspberry swirl.

Akira Toriyama eating a chocolate waffle: you like the Looney Tunes sound effects?

Goku: wait, you like DBZ and you chose to be a PRIEST?!!! i thought we were magic brothers.

Peewit: it's complicated.

Shenron the dragon: you want immortality?

Garlic Jr.: yes.

Shenron: okay but i just got off the phone with your lawyer and he says you got life in prison without the possibility of parole.

Marlena Evans: how does a 40-minute cartoon make $6 million?

Evita: Dragon Ball was our soap opera when we were growing up in Argentina. while my mom was watching Pasion de Gavilanes i'd sneak into the large den and fantasize about Goku.

Goku: i'm at the end of my quest. where are the Dragon Balls?

Julie Patzwald: it's just me. i was cheated, i should have done MANY MORE EPISODES of The Dead Zone on USA.

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: i thought Dragon Ball was a Japan thing.

Julie Patzwald wearing a halo: no, USA Network.

Chi-Chi Rodriguez: am i from Peru?...

Puar: i'm not really flying, i'm just REALLY high on catnip.

Stephen King: Julie Patzwald could have been saved if she had married me.

Hoop Dreams.

Arthur's dad: look at my face, it smiles with hoop hopes and 1970s warm goofiness. with basketball bravado. with gentleness. my face looks EXACTLY like my son Man's face.

dad: and i called my son Creature. i was gentle with him, too.

me: *crying*

Arthur's dad: all that post-drugs praying, all that post-dealing churching, and i end up dead by a robber. i looked at my son's face when we was at church...

Arthur: my face was ashen. i had the face of an atheist. a nonbeliever. a believer in the bitter harshness of life.

LeBron James: hey guys, Arthur and William, it's gonna be easier for me...

Arthur: yeah so i ended up going to college at the first-ever playset, that Roy Rogers playset...

William: it's a MIRACLE the two of us are HERE, STILL ALIVE, doing a podcast together 30 years later in the 2000s years.

William Gates and Arthur Agee, the two old men, hug.

Arthur: the both of us didn't get into the old stuff. no wine coolers. we danced in the smallest of rooms. we danced in the smallest of front yards. but we danced. and now we can take a beat to breathe and reflect. and we can cry like a river.

Ariana Araiza: i'm wearing a yellow dress like a yellow rainslicker for this rare rain on the Monterey Peninsula.

Super Mario: sprinkle little bits of potato chips all around on top inside your recycled-goods bin, we trashmen LOVE that. 

Juan C. Lopez: i don't mind.

Super Mario: yeah but you're that saint from recycling,

Trinity the cat: turn the litter box 180-degrees, then pour the kitty litter in, trust me.

Greykid the cat: you never want to see a cat slow-walking towards you...

Luke Russert: my new grocery bag is this BIG-ASS Costco Wholesale outer-space-puffy shopping bag. 

Jen R: that Costco bag is the stupidest thing in the world. it can't end with THAT!!! 

me: i know. at least make those bags blue, not white!!!

Jen R: and my dad worked for NASA.

The Brown Bunny: a movie about the history of the Nesquik company.

sandwich: i'm not a real food.

hot dog: then where does that leave ME?!!!

sandwich: i'm not a real food.........unless you add some Tory tomatoes.

Chad Reynolds: Melissa Maker is nice but i really just wanted to be Freddie Freeman.

Joe Pera: you will not find a husband. all you will be left with is one Senzu bean.

Lucio: don't look at me. Luigi, that was a mob hit, that was Italian-mafia training. i have no connection to the mob, i played video games as a kid. 

Christian Bale: i was a prisoner in Syria for 13 years but they treated me well. they kept asking me to put on the cowl, it's a religious thing with them.

The Amazing Kreskin on The Johnny Carson Show: i was never a magician. i was a mentalist.

Johnny Carson: so you were smart?

The Amazing Kreskin: i made money doing THIS, didn't i? 

Johnny Carson: your name sounds like a potato chip. that same old lady's potato chip i ate.

The Amazing Kreskin: i was a human who made you laugh. i still lived with my mother at age 70.

me: my hero. the smell of pee is depressing. 

Mulder: they're not aliens. aliens would never come to New Jersey.

Jen, Peewit, and i are WHIZZING ON THE SURFACE OF THE PACIFIC OCEAN in Peewit's speedboat at 40mph.

me: nothing to do with pee?

Peewit steering the speedboat with his sandaled bare foot: i'm gonna fix the monks' community television so it broadcasts Sailor Moon: Sailor Stars!!! 

Jen eating spray: a few wires here and there. like my brain.

Peewit crackling electricity from the sky: do you know what this means? Sailor Moon: Sailor Stars has NEVER been shown on TV!!!

Jen: Sailor Moon Sailor Stars, that's four words, four is unlucky to Buddhists.

Usagi: are you fucking kidding me? after 500 FUCKING EPISODES and ALL those fucking adventures in space, in the series finale i'm STILL a 16-year-old girl?!!! i mean they didn't even graduate the Sailor Guardians from high school!!! at least have the next season be Sailor Moon: The College Years. why is my boyfriend in the first season a woman now?...

THE PRIEST & THE KIT KAT: CROSSES IN THE HOT SPRING

 

Peewit: i've never gotten pharmacy eggnog before, you know? i've never drunk CVS eggnog. i was on my new holiday tradition with the eggnog hunt. the candy shoppe needed eggnog, i was fresh out. from last year. 

me: how long does it take to make a new batch of eggnog?

Peewit: 27 years. 

Jen R: how can you trust CVS? those LONG-ASS receipts are code-switching.

Peewit: well of course i was uncertain. the pharmacy beer last week wasn't EXACTLY flat so it was worth a go. so i prayed on it. i knew the world was in its right place when i saw at the bottom the CVS receipt was printed in the county of Syria, so obviously the Syrian government had finally stabilized.

Hercule Poirot: the trains AREN'T running on time, that's a good sign.

Jen: i have hope for Syria. IF they elect Kamala as their president.

Super Mario: my boys and i have seen Jackie Fitzgerald's waterbed.

Jen R: you're cooler than me!!!

Jackie Fitzgerald: can't beat the classics.

Super Mario: yeah she opens the gate ONLY for us. so we can do our yardwork. we peep her chamber window from the grass. 

Jackie: the chamber of delights.

Toad with a rake: our boss Jesus Montanes knows the password, it's near the hose.

Mario: wait, i thought I was you guys' boss?

Jesus Montanes: i am the Mountain King. i'm more powerful than Jesus. but not as powerful as the Ox King.

me: that's it, Gunther is Jackie's next husband. i saw him walking Jackie's ragged White Golden Retriever dog Falkor on my walk this morning. you are officially LOCKED IN, dude.

Gunther: if Jackie's dog doesn't maul you upon first contact, you've made it into the family. i can hold my own but i ain't THAT strong.

Jackie: Falkor is a bit overprotective of me. he senses danger wherever his nose goes.

Jen R is fucking Sir David Attenborough on Jackie Fitzgerald's waterbed.

Sir David Attenborough: this waterbed is emblematic of what Earth will be in a few years...

Jen R: those palm trees on fire in Malibu hurt my heart. 

Lorne Michaels: the key to writing for Saturday Night Live is to come up with STRANGE NAMES.

Dragon Ball Z: Dead Zone.

Garlic Jr.: yes i'm doing all this taking over the galaxy because i'm overcompensating for being short. no great villains are short. even Nosferatu was taller than me. i've tried losing Aaron Rodgers's number but he won't let me.

green men: GARLIC BREAD!!!

Goku: guys, let's keep fighting, i don't want to lose this perfect triangle.

Kami: you're just an edgelord, Garlic Jr.

Piccolo: I am the most beautiful shade of green.

Krillin: for future reference for Android 18, i am not into golden showers.

Garlic Jr.: do the words "Vanilla Ice hanging by his ankles" mean anything to you?

Kami: no, i listen to Biz Markie. and i prefer Mortal Kombat-style fighting.

Piccolo: imagine a world where you, Garlic Jr., live in a world that's just you. and bread.

Hoop Dreams.

Jon Arbuckle: i'll be providing the dancing.

Roger Ebert: to the Nominators i say: leave your flashlights at home in your Oscar bags, just sit down relaxedly in your heated private theaters and watch this 3-hour slice of American life. not laid-back life, laid-out life. not happy life, rife life. not easy life, masterpiece life.

Gene Siskel: yeah, flashlights are for making shadow puppets in the theater. you know, when the screen is white.

Ebert: why do my shorts smell pungent?

Batavia: where Dracula grew up.

Dracula: i'm calmer now that i started drinking garlic tea.

everything's better when you're at a McDonald's in 1991.

Arthur's mom at college: it's a different world out here.........i love that show. that Lisa Bonet is CUTE.

the State Championship will take place inside this Illinois UFO.

Mardith: Flat River scares me, it's got that Gus Van Sant vibe.

recruiter: don't mind the Playboy poster in my office.

Julie Patzwald: nice goth sunny-day umbrella!!!

me: the TINGLING in MY fingers as someone ELSE signs a scholarship...

Tony Toni Tone: it feels good. yeah. it feels good. to know that you're there for me. it feels good. to know that you CARE.

the St. Joe's Awards Banquet: the Queensryche song "Promised Land" plays in the background...

Coach Pingatore: write off the people you love. write off your family. you see this basketball in my hand? this basketball is now your orange wife.

Jackie Fitzgerald: PUSH the blinds UP by pushing your finger DOWN on your window at 6AM at night for my Love Shack After Hours.

Jen R: as i push DOOOWWWNNN i say LOOOVVVEEE SHAAACK.

the latest class at Berkeley: Nietzsche Ballet, going off that Nietzsche dance quote.

Kyle Brandt: you had no idea i was this SHORT!!!

Achilles: i had my Wrath of Achilles but you blew out your Achilles, that's worse.

Jamie Erdahl: Kyle had a wrap of Achilles.

Kyle Brandt: no i'm not fucking Jamie Erdahl, i'm actually one of the good guys, i love my wife and kids.

Home "Resonance": you're late...

Archbishop Dolan from NYC: i'm a cool priest. but it's not enough.

Jen R: the Archbishop of New York MUST be charismatic like Jesus or it won't work.

Edward Hopper: you know when you're in a room full of people and you still feel alone?

Edward Hopper: you feel MORE alone the more people there are in the room.

Edward Hopper: my college professors called me Wayward Hopper.

at the Mad Batter breakfast diner, in a booth sit the Ghostbusters and Ebenezer Scrooge.

Ebenezer Scrooge: nice breakfast place.

Egon: breakfastize.

Scrooge: i have a Ghost problem...

Egon: this is the crossover i knew i wanted.

me: alright, come on let's go, i gotta cut your nails.

Trinity the cat: but i'm very talon-ted.

me: okay for that wordplay you can keep your nails sharp and use my lap as your scratching post.

Talia the cat: i even vomit cute. so you don't mind cleaning the vomit.

me: i ain't mad atcha.

Luigi: it wasn't me. Mario gave me the back of a blue shell to snort. mangia. would it surprise you to learn i took an Ivy League class on manga? it's not my fault, the Ivy league doesn't give its students free healthcare. the Ivy League doesn't FEED its students!!!

Willow: but can Google bring back Val Kilmer?

Val Kilmer: i'm not dead. but i am quantum mist right now, it's like Medieval smoke.

Willow: can Google make me taller?

me: when i do my grocery list, i always write at the top in Sharpie marker Lindy Lenz, where the fuck are you?

Lindy Lenz: aww, that's sweet. i'm traveling. just some baby plantains for me.

me: so, bananas?

Jen R: baby spinach for me, that kid of mine is growing like a sprout.

me: you're just thinking about the Green Giant right now. you just want to fuck the Green Giant.

hardboiled egg: my cooler name is soft egg.

Shorey Wesen: i'm the oil princess!!!

Shorey Wesen: Shorey Wesen is the ultimate New Jersey name.

Lili Estefan: hola mi gente.

Rauly De Molina: you sound like a Roman dictator.

Lili: Rome never took Mexico.

Stephanie Abrams: remember that Sound of Music play everybody did in 4th Grade? you performed it only in front of your classmates, no parent ever came to see it. 

Bjork: ...

Bjork: my kindergarten didn't have Arts & Crafts...

me: tell me your problems, don't disappear.

Jen R: i keep forgetting.

knees up, Mother Brown: when Doryce accidentally became a mom after that one time...

Ariana Araiza: chilly this morning. hide your dogs.

Jacques Pepin: the one thing i never knew how to make was French fries.

Freud: i was always jealous of you.

Jung: that just proves your theory. i'm not the lead singer of a Korean boy-band. 

Paul McCartney: i did "Wonderful Christmastime" because they said the Beatles had to have a Christmas song.

Kurt Cobain: Nirvana's Christmas song was "Heart-Shaped Box..."

Jaws: can we be friends?

Free Willy: i broke free from you, you made our relationship toxic.

Christian Publishers Inc.: because it's not about money...

Lenny Kravitz on a sunbaked day drying out his dreadlocks: Darlin' is better than Baby. Darlin' it ain't over till it's over.

Peewit at his Buddhist temple in rural Tokyo: the locals are weird. these people don't want a prayer slip anymore. nobody anymore rings the temple bells to get that weird muted bellring from tugging at the soft plushy velvet bell rope like it's Muppets. 

Jen R: i have a bell rope in my hair, a lovelock to win over Jackie Fitzgerald. it's not about gay, it's about goddess.

Peewit: the people laugh at prayers!!! i'm trying to save them. but all these people want to do is go to a Vowz show then hit up the hot springs at the back of my temple. that's still my property you know. they all wear crosses dangling on necklaces around their necks as they're naked in the hot spring men and women together.

Hayao Miyazaki: no separation in the hot spring because no separation in life.

Peewit: but it's not like the Japanese people are Catholic now.

Hayao Miyazaki: we like the Catholic iconography. it's very anime. the saints are painted kinky on those frescoes, like manga murals. it's all very bukkake. speaking of, i was told there was a ball gag in my size at this temple?

Peewit: the cross represents the young Japanese girls' desire to find a man. pray for a mate. nobody knows the future, it's scary and uncertain, nobody knows if they'll make another friend. the feeling of being untethered from the Red String of Fate. so these girls PRAY for a companion, a spouse, a husband who won't leave her after a month because he got bored.