ALAN WATTS'S TRIP SITTER: THE BACK RUBS

 

 

me: can i smoke your pipe?

Alan Watts: my pipe is chocolate.

the mushroom room is decked out on all walls with African heirlooms, relics, and jeweled wristbands. it looks like the set of Bell, Book and Candle. 

me: how do i avoid lucid nightmares?

Alan Watts: you have to sleep in the fetal position like i do. first thing you do when you wake up is adjust your pants, i turn my pants back to the right-angle position after i have cummed in the night. my whole life is a beige flag.

me: i strive to be an almond-rose flag.

Alan: i could have been another garden thief. one of those thieves in the night who shoplift Target out of business. but the elevated drive-thru elevated my consciousness. you learn why you're making what you're making, why it is an unhealthy poo.

me: i identify with you.

Alan: at this point in my life i haven't much, but one Vanquish a day and one sugar donut a day is enough to keep me going for one more day.

Alan: you hear that faint music coming from the balcony?

me: sounds like wind chimes.

Alan: it's actually my aura body playing the toy piano. we're playing Gymnopedie No. 1 by Erik Satie on toy piano. you know, the My Dinner with Andre music.

Alan: time for my back rub.

me: what?

Alan: this is the way i ease into my lucid dreams.

me: this massage table is very Boxing Helena.

Alan: you're right, let's move under to my fuzzy cot.

i'm ready with the notebook. Alan Watts hands me a sawed-off pencil from behind his ear.

Alan: use this. see this lower bone on my back? the lowest-rung back bone?

Alan points this out blind with just his third eye, feeling around his back with his long spidery fingers.

Alan: you massage that one backbone right there and CLICK i fall into a deep sleep.

Alan has fallen instantly asleep on his stomach and hasn't said a word for hours.

me: i guess i did it. i never knew i had the magic to be a masseuse. i guess i have the touch. my friends and family were always encouraging me, talking up my magic fingers, they said i had the cold hands for it.

Jen R: love doesn't come easy. it takes a lifetime of thinking you're never going to get married. but just when you're near death you'll meet someone just before it's too late and be featured in one of those CNN travel articles...

Storybook International: you never see any of the characters going to school...

Suzy Lu: bless him.

The Pope: you interested in becoming a female priest? the Catholicism numbers have been fucking DWINDLING since the '80s...

Suzy Lu: i know how to treat a man.

Yamcha: i play baseball.

Steejo: that ain't fair. i did all that kickboxing shite for nothing.

me: i now have to make you three meals a day?

mom: remember when  i made you three meals a day all throughout your childhood? you don't remember ANY of those meals...

Greykid: i require a hidey bed. or it's not a proper Christmas. the cattery is nice and all but a cat needs his Fortress of Solitude. his sanctuary. his place away from it all, far from the madding cat crowd, the hustle and bustle of everyday cat life.

me: please analyze my dream

Jen R: shoot.

me: i'm in the world of that 1970s Britcom The Liver Birds.

Polly James: i'm the blonde bird. my tits are bigger than they appear. i look and talk like a parrot. i make Scouse sexy.

Nerys Hughes: i'm the brunette bird. i'm the Welsh goddess. 

Jen: i will not analyze sex dreams.

Marianne Faithfull: i'm a Liver Bird, too. i dumped Mick Jagger at a '70s party to get with Alain Delon, i know what's up.

Mick Jagger: English lips were not meant for French cigarettes.

me: we're at that junk shop from the pilot episode of Sanford and Son.

Jen: it's not a junk shop, it's an antiques dealer.

The Liver Birds: rag-and-bone.

me: in this shop i rummage through a hill and find a porcelain statuette of a phoenix.

Jules Smith: except it's a liver bird that. i'm a Liver Bird, too.

Jen: your dream means you need to become British to sweep, both meanings, Jules off her feet.

Jen: do me.

me: i wish. i mean surely.

Jen: i'm at a San Francisco Giants baseball game. Steve Perry from the stands leads the crowd in the 7th- inning-stretch song. this time the song is Journey's "Don't Stop Believin'."

Steve Perry: my long hair got chopped off. i have a paunch belly. rock stars aging ain't pretty.

Tom Jones: except me.

Steve Perry: strangely i'm not a Boston fan...

Jen: Steve Perry races down the stairs to get everyone involved in the singalong. it's an inspirational song that makes us all feel better. Steve introduces his family to the crowd.

Steve Perry: these are my twin boys Washed Out and Brothertiger. they compose music, too, they build on my melodies adding their disco beats. 

Brothertiger: it's called Gen Z Vaporwave, dad.

Washed Out: hey Brothertiger, let's not fight. let's not be jealous of each other. we're brothers, remember? we're the same music boy but you have long hair.

Brothertiger: okay. i'll do it for Mowgli.

me: Washed Out is your husband, right?

Jen R: yeah.

Washed Out: the car wash in my "A Dedication" music video, you get it now? car wash, washed out...

Caitriona Perry: you like my pro-video-gamer headphones and fuzz mic?...

the full moon: the best time for a sleepover...

Garth of the Forest: no guns here. just bows and arrows. i honor Robin Hood here...

Jannik Sinner: Arnold Schwarzenegger is my friend. we're both clean. i don't go clubbing, the only club i go to is a tennis club. social media created AI robots with machine guns.

Arnold Schwarzenegger: i feed Jannik carrots, that's it.

the ocean: the sky is blue? that's not fair.

Greykid: you just assume i like my food bowl on the left and my water bowl on the right.........i do actually...

actually: a very British word...

liver bird: the late phoenix but British and cooler.

Rod Laver: i ate seaweed ONCE when i was naked with Mary Berry.

Trinity: in Germany i'm a living-room tiger...

The Three Stooges: come here, you brat.

Jackie Coogan: what? i didn't do nothin', mister. i'm the first child actor, you gotta be nice to me.

The Three Stooges: we had to replace all the windows you threw rocks into...

Matterhorn: lady with the many stars and Statue of Liberty torch...

beautiful: beat the flu...

The Liver Birds: the only TV show in history where the entire first season went missing...

Gay Masters: i saved Ukraine.

Jason Day: you don't like my butt, madam? you wish i'd have worn parachute pants? like MC Hammer? i had on my Crocodile Dundee clothes this morning for morning tee.

Lou Gehrig: why was i so good? i was allergic to my bat. my batting glove gave me hives. i'm allergic to my tattoos. but not my MOM heart tattoo on my butt.

me: Jen, you soothe my life. you're such a calming influence on me. i got you back, that's all that matters.

Jen R: i'm your Sleepytime Tea.

me: just the thought that you'll probably be here tomorrow is enough for me.

Jen R: be here now.

Paula Abdul: the promise promise promise of a new day.

Jen R: because you never know.

Rhys Ifans: WELSH, baby. remember, WELSH. what are my fans called?...

Rhys Ifans: my fans are called We-fans. or Rhys's Pieces.

Skylar at Safeway: why have dividers at the supermarket checkout-lane conveyor belt? those divider bars. it's just one more thing that divides us. that bars us from coming together as one people.

girl from Elm Elementary in the Target commercial: let's do this commercial over, Target. we don't want me saying Little Women is about really short girls. girls are 10 times smarter than boys at age 10.

Boc: it's strange but i don't mind dogs at the mall, just not on the walking trails...

Bowzer the bulldog: i enjoy a good aperol.

Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne: are we all this lonely? not JUST when we're in love...

Alan Watts awakens from his lucid dream.

Alan: i expect that notebook to be FILLED with your weird-ass pencil sketchings of forest temples on distant planets and all the words and symbols i uttered in strange alien languages. 

me: i am so sorry, sir. you uttered not a peep. you lain here motionless on this soft slab for three hours. i thought you were dead.

Alan Watts: sigh. fine. okay, plan two. i'll give you some more insight. think about a human life. it's a good thing human life lasts 100 years, or you wouldn't have the time to make a family of your own. imagine if a human life only lasted 10 years...

 

EXIT THROUGH THE GIFT SHOP: BUT WHO'S BANKSY'S WIFE?

 

Takahashi: street art is near and dear to my heart so if you don't mind, Eye.

Eye Luggage: not at all.

Takahashi: Exit Through the Gift Shop and go.

Banksy: because that's the Disneyland thing to do, you know? the only exit is blocked by all the Pluto plushies. to be fair, art galleries do this, too...

Kamala Harris: speaking of art, when i'm President all Doritos bags will simply have a triangle, no words.

Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne: i have the best tennis shoes in anime...

Hitomi from The Vision of Escaflowne: that rhymes!!! i use my tennis shoes for track...

Super Mario of WM Waste Management: yeah you're gonna have to put your bins blocking your driveway, do you want us to collect your trash or not?

Banksy: tennis shoes, we call them trainers, trash, the unrecyclable bits, this is all art. just ask my best friend Thierry Guetta, he's gonna be Pasqually in the live-action Chuck E. Cheese movie.

Thierry Guetta: i'm actually a street artist like you. they call me Mr. Brainwash. your voice sounds familiar even masked. 

Banksy: i know, i sound like that BBC presenter. or John Major. or that host of that college quiz-bowl show.

Thierry: no you sound like Anonymous.

Thierry: it was REALLY LUCKY that i'm related to Invader. or you know, none of this would have happened, none of it would have kicked off.

Thierry: i was the first lifecaster!!! also i was the first person to sell cheap clothes for Saks prices by making them "vintage."

Jen R: hardy har har har.

Banksy: see to be a street artist first and foremost you need to be a NIGHT OWL. you have to sleep 12 hours IN THE DAY or none of this is gonna work.

Thierry: what happens when the cops bust us?

Shepard Fairey: quickly douse your 4x4 car in pink paint.

Shepard Fairey: Kinko's. oh Kinko's tho. that was heaven. those were the good times, the nostalgic times, students the world over would come in to get their photocopies. the smell of a Kinko's shop was life, it was progress, it was fresh carpet. some of these photocopies would be term papers, some of these photocopies would be butts...

Shepard: hey man, don't shine that bright light directly in my eyes, don't you know an artist's most prized possession is their eyes?

Thierry: i thought it was a GIANT GLUE BROOM.

Banksy: who ever thought the stencil, which you gave up in 4th Grade, would make such a comeback.

Thierry: i gotta ask, your adoring public needs to know, who's Banksy's wife? we all see your ringfinger.

Banksy: but i'm not one person, i'm a group of people.

Thierry: so polygamy?

Amanda Fairey: i need him home by 2AM. okay? or i get angry. a phone call explaining exactly where he is and what he's doing on the cold dark streets is common courtesy. you know? or he sleeps on the couch, i give him a fat lip, i give him a shiner.

Thierry: yeah i'll make sure, i'll be with him, all the time i'm filming him.

Shepard Fairey: this is why marriage is the best, someone to watch over you.

Banksy: think about it, i was able to paint a mural of a hole in the wall, holes in the most treacherous war walls in our world: Iraq, and the wall separating Palestine and Israel. surely the inspiration of that, painting on a ladder through bullets, in a war zone with no helmet, will end all wars.

news media: but how did you not get footage of Banksy's face?!!!

Banksy: why didn't you make a film out of all this?

Thierry: the tapes were too small.

Banksy: i knew i hit the big time when CHRISTINA AGUILERA attended my show...

Banksy: i mean how do we have the budget for a real LIVE ELEPHANT? who's paying for this? artists are poor.

Banksy: when an art piece by Banksy sells, who gets the money? where does the money go? into whose account is the money transfer wired?.........i'd really like to know this...

Banksy: it got so bad i had to print my own money, dollar bills with Princess Diana as the face. which is what the British public wanted anyway, what should have happened in the timeline, so all that cash was good, it was all legal tender...

Banksy: Thierry has a HUGE LARDER.

Thierry: i have a big penis?

Banksy: there's a camera crew following me down a busy London street but don't look at my face, i'm not Banksy...

Laertus: this is the funniest scene in the documentary:

Banksy: two tickets for Disneyland please.

Thierry: will Mickey Mouse be here?

window woman: Mickey Mouse is waiting for you two guys in ToonTown...

Banksy: probably not the best idea to go to Disneyland right after 9/11...

Thierry: there is nothing more disturbing than when the Big Thunder Mountain Railroad suddenly stops.

Thierry: there is nothing more disturbing than when Disneyland security starts following you, walking with you all over the park.

Banksy: Escape from Tomorrow bad vibes all up in your face.

Thierry: four Disneyland security guards pinned me to the ground in the middle of Main Street USA.........where the fuck were you?

Banksy: i was in the middle of riding It's A Small World. have a heart, mate, you can't get out of those boats. there are no Old Mill rides in Europe.

Thierry: there is nothing more disturbing in this life than being interrogated in the Disneyland interrogation room.

Banksy: what does that interrogation room look like?

Thierry: i closed my eyes through the whole thing. all i know is it's located behind the Peter Pan dark ride.

Thierry: i left Disneyland with a pair of Mickey Mouse socks...

Disneyland: as for the allergy lawsuit, Disney Plus is just that good, we have the good shit, have you seen that new Star Wars thing we're doing?!!!

Thierry: Thierry, as in theory of the case...

Banksy: fast cutting is not film art, it's just lazy...

Oliver Stone: ...

Banksy: you know when you have a friend but his art is terrible, what do you do? it's an eternal dilemma.

Jen R: friends are more important than art.

Thierry: why did i go crazy in scale with my big-ass art show at the end? an artist only gets one show...

Banksy: i gotta admit, the tomato-soup can as the spray-paint can, that was ingenious, that was clever, that was Warhol.

Jen R: i would have been Banksy if i didn't go to art school. then again, maybe i AM Banksy...

Thierry: what happened to that cavernous building after my art show?

Dan Rather: i work there now.

Roger Ebert: so maybe the joke is on us. maybe this whole thing is one big prankumentary. so what? who cares? it's still cool. wouldn't it be more interesting if the whole thing was fake? all movies are fake. g'night folks.

Alan Watts: i invented street art. the problem was nobody saw my street art because it was only on all the walls of my mountain retreat.  

Banksy: get a butter knife, yeah? get ready to spread. make yourself a peanut butter sandwich. wipe the knife laced with peanut butter on your white T-shirt, it looks like a painter's smock, brilliant, you're an artist now.   

ALAN WATTS'S TRIP SITTER: MAGIC LANTERN

 

i am at the coins-to-cash money-mesh machine at Safeway emptying my wares when i sense a heavy breathing coming from a van Dyke beard. Alan Watts is centimeters away from my face smiling at me.

me: oh my god. is it really you, sir?

Alan Watts: i am keeping myself company. you're gonna have the same lifepath as me. i've never leaned before. you know? i've never leaned on a physical structure before. 

me: what are the chances. the magical doesn't touch me like this. i'm obsessed with celebrity because i've never met one. can you teach me how to lucid dream?

Alan: of course, kid, that's why i'm here. now. 

me: no but like the way YOU lucid-dream.

Alan: right right, the whole nine, i got you. throw away that box of tea, kid, it's a useless husk. lavender tea? come on.

Patrick Lavender: ...

Alan: the only tea you need only i can prepare: Ayahuasca iced tea. served at my mushroom room. tonight only. be there or be square. be there and be aware.

me: you are a cool man. a man of coolness. you know, like Belmondo. or Alain.

Alan: the French philosopher? this Car Week nonsense is bunk, it's all shit. the rude rumbling of the engine meant to to scare birds. the death rattle of these stupid funny cars racing mountain curves on a Monday, YOU MISSED IT. YOU MISSED THE WEEK, BUDDY, NO MORE!!! WRONG DAY!!!

Gary Kildall: hi, i'm an Alan Watts disciple. don't i look it?

me: i am so sorry we're shaking palms and mine are sweaty, sir. i don't have the hair you do.

Gary: cars are the worst machines man has ever created. computers were invented to combat cars. 

Alan: Gary and i were virgins until that fateful trip to the strip. the racing strip.

Alan: i know what you were doing. your dad leaves you lucky pennies on the ground every so often to remind you that he's still around and you can still hug him in your dreams. 

me: how'd you know?

Alan: i'm not a prophet, i'm a man who thinks. dreams are the closest approximation to Heaven. you figured the most sacred way to honor your father is to get the lucky pennies cashed in the Safeway contraption, it somehow preserves the legacy of the magic, the luck drained from the pennies. and then you use the ticket to buy some cupcakes or something. in order for you not to lose your dad, you eat your dad.

me: i've never seen a movie in IMAX.

Jen R: you've never had an IMAX woman.

Phil Donahue: i was one of the first people to showcase Alan Watts's teachings on my show Donahue. Alan Watts did his first English-language interview on my show.

Alan Watts: your show made me cry.

Phil: thank you. let's face it, i was the only person you ever met who was a true liberal. what can i say, i had a huckleberry for street photography. street photography got me hot. street photographers make the best nannies.

Marlo Thomas: Phil, why didn't we have children?

Phil: you weren't that girl.

Phil Donahue: i was the only person who did Catholicism right. Catholicism was always meant to combine with Roman orgies to be at its best.

The Pope: that's what i've been saying but the cardinals aren't down with my flow. Catholicism needs to get back to its roots...

Phil: Oprah understood this.

Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder are in Seattle.

Eddie Vedder: the Day 1 building? sounds ominous. like some invisible plan is happening.

Kurt Cobain: it's okay, Eddie, i'm here. i'll protect you. just to be on the safe side tho let's meet at your house from now on.

Eddie Vedder: my house is the general seating of a Starbucks.

boulangerie: eating French bread in your lingerie...

viennoiserie: bread with wine. filled, both meanings...

Stephen King: writers are very passive-aggressive people...

Stephen King: life really is a grim place.

Capp: lonely people are everywhere.

Jen R: and none of these lonely people meet each other.

Alan Watts: your luck can change simply by getting in the right checkout lane at the grocery store. here's to butter days. Ms. Frizzle ALWAYS has her back turned to me at the Bagel Bakery!!!

Banksy: what's the point of art if no one cares? that's where street art comes in...

Capp: you're still here? i thought you moved on.

Jen R: i was only gone 2 days. the nature of time is such that you don't know when a month begins or ends...

Capp: you're still around? all the plans we make all the time to meet, they're all pipe dreams, right?

Jen R: yeah, they're just a way to try to keep us connected somehow...

solace: it's not soulless...

Melbourne: cars are a nightmare.

Melbourne: no just because the Tesla DeLorean is all black doesn't make it better.

Pati Jinich: i got Mission flour tortillas on my dashboard.

Richard Belzer: the weird thing is i kinda liked that it was ending for me...

Sartre: Hell is when you desperately want to talk to other people but nobody says anything.

Camus: Hell is not being able to be with the people you want to be with.

Samuel Beckett: your people. no other people. no other random people...

Boc: walking is good but hiking is better. imagine a house with a giant triangular roof as a library in the snow...

Hot Sauce Queen: Doryce on Thursdays.

Doryce: they did something to Frank...

Aeon Flux: i met my girlfriend Bjork on an Iceland train, perfect hidden place...

Bjork: i sing about my paramour Aeon Flux in my song "All Is Full of Love..."  

Spalding Gray holding a can of paint from Ace Hardware: Payne's gray, my pain, mysterious monochrome, charcoal calmness, a soft painting like me...

Stu at Cord's funeral is delivering the eulogy.

Stu: social anxiety be damned!!! sorry, i'm a little nervous in this place. friends are worth pain. if you don't have the right roommates, you're a goner. luckily i had Cord for a roommate which is why you're hearing my voice now. i'm standing here with you all now because Obama won that election.

Greykid: Cord's cat Meowser is confused but i'm comforting her with some Super Mario games.

Stu: as for Cord's plants, they haven't said a word.........only i could pull of a funeral joke like that...

Cord: it's not lost on me that i was named after the Red Cord of Fate...

Kurt Cobain: you thought it was scentless apprentice before, try to smell all the perfume cards in the 400-page September Issue of VOGUE Magazine!!!

Archer: Car Week gave me tinnitus.

Wilma and Betty at Car Week.

Wilma Flintstone: i can't take another va-va-va-VROOM car engine.

Dino: sportscar shit. 

Betty Rubble: i never thought i'd miss my Barney's goblin feet.

Wilma: Fred wants me to suck his toes after bowling to wipe away the lane grease.

Howard Hesseman: Car Week noise is like bad DJ dub over record scratches that sound infected...

Rod Serling: why can't life be a Twilight Zone episode? you know, one of the sweet episodes where it's a love story between a very lonely man and a very lonely woman...

Jerry Cantrell: a green swamp is a marsh...

Robin Williams: '90s shirt, a red heart with a sword through it, its one eye shedding one tear.

Kurt Cobain: i'm working the flowers. i'm in the floral department now at Safeway, making curled ribbons with the edge of my knife...

Annie: when you're as poor as me, the only thing you can splurge on is soup. you get the fancy can of 1929 hamburger soup. the fancy can of enchilada soup.

Daddy Warbucks: no Spanish Flu in that soup...

Luke Russert: i make sure to hide my groceries in my suede bag here with the zipper and the handle, once the bums get a good whiff, it's a streetfight.

Melbourne: Car Week ends on Saturday not Sunday, because of course all these guys need to get to church...

Maruchan instant wonton noodles in a paper bowl: come on, man!!! why add boring regular noodles? have a bowl filled with JUST wonton noodles!!!

Martin Yan: dry garnish my Yan Can Cook butthole. i have the same ass as Leslie Sbrocco.

Leslie Sbrocco: i will eat any food. except broccoli.

Gilligan and The Skipper are in Maine.

the Skipper: remember when i tried to teach you how to steer a speedboat, Little Buddy?

Gilligan: yes dad i mean Skipper, i was 12 but i guess i looked older. i had no idea what i was doing. i almost steered us into a buoy.

Skipper: i had such an UTTER look of disappointment on my face. i really thought you'd turn out to be a boat guy. we'd have something to talk about at cocktail parties.

Gilligan: but i'm just not. that steered me AWAY from driving anything the rest of my life.

dad: i could have been Tim Powers doing plastic swordfights with fans at science-fiction conventions...

Tooth Fairy: if you're unwilling to wash your body at least wash your teeth. no blood is a good indication.

Easter Bunny: get a haircut. get a job.

Louise Belcher: i have both.

Robin Williams: I'm the pride of San Francisco...

i manage to get to the mushroom room. in two pieces. 

Alan Watts: one piece and your third eye.

me: i was aimlessly wandering the hills more than hiking them. barefoot. is that your recommendation? to hike in the hills barefoot?

Alan: oh yes, you did that marvelously. splendid show, old chap.

me: who has the better voice, you or Mary Elizabeth McGlynn as Motoko Kusanagi?

Alan: me.

me: any bona fides?

Alan Watts: well you know Shino, right? Shino from Naruto, he was my client. that whole thing with Shino saying if you're living in the past are you really living? that was all me. i need you to do something for me, hold this.

Alan hands me a green notebook filled with brownish-red pages.

me: this is a cool notebook. it's familiar somehow.

Alan: that's all of life, kid. when i launch into my lucid dream, i want you to write down in this notebook anything that spills out of my mouth, no matter if it sounds like gibberish. especially if it sounds like gibberish.

me: gotcha, spirit sir. how will i know when you're inside your own lucid dream?

Alan Watts: my left eye will start to twitch.

YOUR SECOND FAMILY: BUTTER BELL

 

Jules: i went to the grocery store and bought Bomb Pop popsicles PURELY on the dream i had last night where i was eating a Bomb Pop.

Lindy: those things are huge disappointments. they are HUGE on the box but they're the tiniest little popsicles you can imagine, there's nothing to suck!!!

Cardo: is everyone having a good Car Week?

Melbourne: NO!!! those cars can bore off!!! Ferrari Friday? my down-under Australian peehole. canary-yellow Ferraris everywhere? my Crocodile Dundee crotch. Car Week lasts.........a week...

Cardo: Olympics on tonight?

Melbourne: thanks, now i'm also having Olympics Withdrawal.

me: i need for you women to take me in. to take me onboard.

Trent Reznor: best not to hum the lyrics to the Nine Inch Nails song "Suck" at the post office...

me: Domino's only delivers pizza SCRAPS now...

Jen R: that's okay, 3 scraps make one whole pizza slice.

i knock on the door of Tony Hawk's mansion in Beverly Hills. the mansion is a giant halfpipe with two milk waterfalls at either end gushing down the U.

me: can you teach me how to skate?

Tony Hawk: i mean i'm kinda busy.

me: i know we're not family.........but we could be. i made my skateboard from scratch.

Tony Hawk: that's impossible.

Shaun White: don't take it personally, Tony Hawk wouldn't teach ME how to skateboard...

me: i've never watched a movie in a movie theater while eating Twizzlers.

Jen: that's because you've never watched a movie in a movie theater with the right woman.

Druid at Stonehenge: good ol' Scottish weather created magic stones here...

Michael Jackson: when you crack an egg on your frypan, the egg squirts in all the zigzag lines in every direction, that's me dancing...

'90s shirts: magenta shirt with a large square print of some unnamed taxi depot in outer space...

Howard Hesseman: i just had to leave the show with one season to go, Head of the Class was becoming Saved by the Bell...

Howard Hesseman: i mean the Head of the Class episode filmed entirely in the USSR was cool, no other television episode had ever done that. my honors class ended the Cold War all by themselves, that was neat. fuck Carmen Sandiego. i'd like to. is she single? sorry, my DJ comes out sometimes. i did enjoy eating at the Moscow McDonald's...

me: i've gone unnoticed my whole life. i've wasted all my time. there's only enough money left for one trip. to visit the Seinfeld Deli.

PG&E: the main thing we do is form massive icicles in your freezer...

Leslie Sbrocco: i don't brush my teeth. but i gargle.........i give you a sloppy blowjob. a wet blowjob, you know it's more like a gurgle...

Jeff Daniels: i look like your Uncle John...

Eric Mardian on Head of the Class: we're all intellectually-gifted students but i'm the dumb motorcycle guy of the group.

Eric Mardian: i'm the IHP's Nick Moore. where's the pancakes? most CEOs only have high-school degrees. i was your first Armenian, i led you to Avo Babian and suburbia.

Eric Bogosian: i'm the Armenian Spalding Gray. remember suburbia and Angels in America? those two plays were your last chance to make a life for yourself at Berkeley...

Eric Mardian: acting is there to give good-looking people sweaty palms.

adamance: a cool guy named Adam who insists on being stubborn. has a lance.

wrong side of 40: 4 tattoos.

George Costanza: when you have $30 in 30 $1 bills in your wallet...

Rolls-Royce Arthur car at Car Week: i'm in the wrong place!!!

double death: when you lose interest in 1986 Double Dare on Nickelodeon. and you move.

the plot of Spinal Tap II: Spinal Tap steals Graceland...

Mean Ms. Frizzle at the Bagel Bakery: don't be so quick to judge. look at my face again in a different ominously glowy light. those aren't Halloween lights, they're footlights on a stage. i remind you of UCLA theater in the '80s...

the other normal nice Ms. Frizzle: i got Froot Loops bagels...

Skylar: i may not be there anymore at Safeway, but my steampunk cash register is. my grandmother took my job, she's the new checkout girl. the girl you check out.

grandmother: i'm the cash-out girl.

Skylar: i'm voting for Kamala, she's gonna get rid of price-gouging so grocery stores will go out of business. that'll teach that monk with the itchy beard that somehow still gets to keep his job.

Kurt Cobain: i'm a bag boy now!!!

Freud: all these Instagram psychologists who have 100k followers are creepy, how can you treat 100,000 patients?...

Jung: when you're a follower of one of these Instagram psychologists, you feel so exposed, you feel like one of her patients, like she is looking at you, like everyone is looking at you...

Freud: and those Instagram women who are dating coaches who only coach men scare me.

Less from Mr. Maldark's class: when i'm driving and the streetlights go out and there are 4 cops directing traffic BY HAND, that's when i REALLY can't handle the stress...

Martin Sheen on the set of Apocalypse Now: people don't realize the STRESS of being an actor. it's not all reading lines then going back to your trailer for robe and cocoa, you gotta push Apache helicopters and stuff.

Dirg: will i ever get married? only if it's a Richard and Wendy Pini thing...

pizzer: when Peter Griffin vacuums an extra-large pizza into his mouth whole.

Peter Griffin: 500 degrees in the oven?!!! that's fucking insane!!! that's wicked insane!!!

Ear Horn: can an oven even achieve a temperature that high? not without witch fire.

Mary Elizabeth McGlynn: the Twilight Zone episode "The Call" from the 1980s, now SHE has a sexy voice.

Julie Khaner: you finally have competition.

Steve Blum: i must compare you two ladies' voices. in bed.

Motoko Kusanagi: it's a rare being who is sexy over the phone AND in person...

Robert Griffin III: i was the most talented one. on ESPN. i came up with that Tin Man Meme. budget cuts did me in. budget cuts?...

Super Mario in his truck recycling the trash: thanks for the EXTRA-LARGE pizza box the size of the Empire State Building!!! this is the size i get to when i eat a Super Mushroom...

me: i really appreciate that i violated the policy but you guys still collected the trash and recycling anyway.

Super Mario: i'm issuing you a yellow slip, i've checked the box marked bullying.

me: thanks, i crumpled up into a ball and deposited the yellow slip you gave me into the recycling bin.

Super Mario: and syringes.

me: sorry about that, i have a drug problem.

Super Mario: place the bins on the curb, not the LAWN...

Cardo: a closed mouth doesn't get fed.

Capp: except when it comes to love and soulmates.

Toad: do i still have to go to school today? the yellow school bus missed me, i was at a municipal metro bus stop in the inner city STANDING ON TOP of the bus-stop bench as the flood reached 9 feet...

bar pizza: fancy name for microscopic pizza.

Doryce: bar pie, my vagina on Thursdays.

Jules: pub pizza.

Capp: fame is not freedom, anonymity is freedom.

Banksy: people learn this too late in their lives.

Kim Novak: there's a black-cat emoji but i don't have the update to get it.

Pyewacket: use me.

Julie Patzwald: when someone says to you "we'll start a jazz band," that means they want to be with you forever.

Michael Weiss: if a woman suddenly deletes all her pictures on Instagram, it means she's found a man...

me: what's the lucky penny on the ground for?

dad: to save you. 

me: a lucky penny is nice but it's not life.

dad: it turned your frown upside down.

Trent Reznor: i'm the only LIVING person who understands what life really is...

Frosty the Snowman: where was Snowball Earth when i needed it? i like manga.

me: okay we rented the room upstairs from the boulangerie in Paris, i binged all my French in Action VHSs, we're ready. i boned up with the French Einstein.

Valerie Allain: they rented, you did nothing. puh-lease. i learned Valley Girl from my Yale man.

Jen: what exactly does one wear to a foursome?

Hayao Miyazaki: don't do it!!! it's going to be bad luck!!! whether you do it devil OR angel!!!

me: i have to make sure there's an exact amount of cum that i shoot out onto each of your three faces, there's a lot of pressure on the man to perform.

Mireille from French in Action: pressure on the man? please. the guy only has fun, it doesn't matter to the monsieur.

Jen: i'm wearing my Mrs. Roper muumuu.

me: me too.

Jules: mittens. and margarine. for our mid-afternoon munchies after. 

Lindy: mouthguard. and marmalade for the mountain bears after.

Jen: my Velcro ankle guards.