ENTRE BASTIDORES: GIACOMO GANG

 

Clarissa Molina: everyone turned their life around. except me.

Raul De Molina: listen mujer, don't let yourself go. always be pretty. i don't care anymore. Lili and i get our stars on the Hollywood Walk of Fame, i don't care anymore. all dentists speak Spanish now, i don't care anymore.

Clarissa: i need some inspiration, Raulie. that's why i walking the outskirts of Mexico City. 

Raul: stay here alone, it should be safe, i'll be right back.

back in Hollywood.

Raul: um, hello? hola? who's in charge? who in charge here? i don't want my star next to P. Diddy's star.

Lili Estefan: yeah and can my star NOT be next to Gloria Estefan's star? i mean come on. i've spent my entire fucking life trying to distance myself from my favorite auntie. i'm my own woman. i'm my own mujer. i'm not from Miami, i'm from Mexico. put me next to Jennifer Esposito, that chica makes the best bagels.

Jennifer Esposito: chive n onion...

Jen R to Capp: do you know why you wait a long time in life? to FINALLY have that nice hard fuck with someone, you know?

Jackie Fitzgerald: being with Gunther has REALLY been challenging my Catholic faith...

Gunther: it's against your religion to love a hot guy like me.

me: i can't be around crazy people anymore.

Jules Smith: you mean me?

me: no, my family.

Bergman Island.

Ingmar Bergman: i was the son of a minister. there would be no movies if i was the son of a dentist...

Tim Roth: so how was your little local Bergman guide?

Vicky Krieps: he was a dork. a sexy dork.

Ingmar: i want the toilet outside in the garden...

one of Ingmar's wives: there is nothing like the dusk of a Swedish outdoor wedding.

groom at party: fuck Bergman. i'm jealous of him because he hoarded all the Pepto Bismol on the island.

Ingmar: in my defense, what's the point of war? i made a cameo in the grocery-store episode of Metalocalypse...

Jen R: mental note: bicycle rides are romantic.

Amy and Joseph ride their bikes to the beach to the ending of the M83 "Teen Angst" music video...

Ingmar: yellow schoolbus? I HATED SCHOOL!!!

Dirg: why can't there be coed communal saunas in America?

Ludo: it's just not as cool as Parcheesi.

Hampus: good ol' Hampus.

Vicky: what should the ending be? suicide?

Tim: that would be the Bergman thing to do.

Vicky: you can't just wave your hand and wish me away because you're getting tired of me. we have a daughter, remember? June.

Billy Corgan: named after my song.

Tim: *heavy sighing internally* i know. but I'm gonna need a couple of month vacations from you a year, okay?

Vicky: Amy wants her dress to the wedding to be white because she wants to start over and be Joseph's bride, be Joseph's wife, and be in Joseph's life.

Mia Wasikowska: has anyone heard my Australian accent?...

Vicky: i should have ended up with Hampus, Hampus was my Duckie Dale.

Ingmar Bergman: so this was a long advertisement for the Ingmar Bergman Museum...

Emma Raducanu: i'm quitting tennis for a bank job.

Andy Murray: you're gonna rob a bank? a bank heist?

Emma: no, i'm gonna count all my money. 

Andy: i could be your coach...

Emma: we'll never be as beloved as Greg Rusedski.

Kurt Cobain: i coulda been a great actor!!!

Melissa Maker: in Canada we eat mac n cheese with a spoon...

Kendrick Lamar: X Drake.

Drake: yeah i know i know, you dissed me good at the Super Bowl.

Kendrick: no, the One Piece character.

me: how are you, my friend?

Jen R: how are you my friend?

me: don't know, just lucky i guess.

at the nursing home.

9:59 AM: crepes and strawberries.

10:00 AM: Golden Girls on Hallmark Channel.

Ryan White: i buy Dorothy's Bobby Hull hockey stick at the indoor yardsale. how much for that BIG-ASS yellow teakettle in the cheesecake kitchen?

the mom from My Life as a Dog: i'm Rose's blind sister. what do grits look like?

Rose: they literally look like nothing.

Dan Fielding: i never smoked...

Dick Clark: in the '80s you'd have to guess the word "petition" to win the $100,000, "petition" was the pyramid capstone. 

Ben Johnson, coach of the Chicago Bears: i have an anime voice. i wrote all of Shakespeare's plays.

Michael German: ...

LeBron James: i'm winning the NBA championship for the Lakers this year so JJ Redick can buy his family another house to replace the house that was burnt to a crisp.

JJ Redick: see, kids? it pays to stay in school. Duke math, motherfucker.

Dick Vitale: the Dukies!!! the Dukies cured my cancer!!!

Dr. Seuss: i did The Midnight Gospel first...

Peter Griffin: cwalk? no not the Crip walk, the color walk, i travel outside my house and point out all the green bushes along my sidewalk, my color is always green. and i love bush. i have to go on a walk, i'm fat.

the two reach Daniela di Giacomo's pueblo along the dustiest of trails.

Daniela di Giacomo: welcome to our secret bunker. notice that we're technically not in Mexico City. you won't find this place on any map. even though the Aztecs invented maps.

Raul: what's with all the sausage in your place?.........i'm talking about actual sausages...

Daniela: well you see we in the mafia always have a need to flee an area quickly. so we hang our sausages in the ceiling for fast plucking. 

Clarissa: also they dry out faster in the sun.

Daniela: people don't know this but Mexican sausage is just Italian sausage dipped in peanut dust.

Clarissa: teach me about the secret to your cooking.

Daniela: see that microwave over here in the basement? under lock and key. that microwave is the key.

Raul: and i'm a skeleton.

Daniela: you see those of us in the mafia often have no time, so we can't put the cookie on a little cute saucer dish with blue flowers to nuke it, put the cookie RIGHT IN the microwave without a plate.

Clarissa: OW!!! it's hot to the touch!!! THE PALM OF MY HAND BURNS!!!

Daniela: calmite, mujer, you gotta stand up for us ladies, we're strong, this chocolate-chip pain is worse than childbirth but come on, do it and give me a mujer high-five!!!

Raul: i'm hungry.

Daniela: that's a surprise, Raulie. no chips here, the police took them all. we mafiosas had to be industrious, so we made our own cheap chips. take two tortillas, put them in the microwave WITHOUT a plate, fold the four-sided tortilla into a triangular shape and voila!!!! instant tortilla chips. that are actually made from tortillas. dab a little Frank's RedHot on them for flavoring.

Daniela: hey, have you noticed you've never used the DEFROST or REHEAT buttons on your toaster?...