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Alejandro: the world has actually really gone crazy this time.
me: yeah. but it's nice for us, we get to hide within the walls of your garden community only going out to work at a grocery store. the world doesn't affect us. the world doesn't touch us.
Alejandro: as long as we can pay for it. which brings me to...you have a job interview tomorrow at 4 AM.
me: oh come on. at least help me cut my toenails for it.
Alejandro brings the home garbage to the foot of my rented bed.
Alejandro: i got the scissors, let's do this.
me: those are cat-nail clippers.
Alejandro: PEE-YEW!!! what the fuck is inside this trash can?
me: that old tin of sardines you let me eat for supper last night, i emptied out all the sardine juice into this trash.
Alejandro: as we clip over the trash of course. you know what, leave your nails on the carpet, i'll call Melissa Maker to come vacuum tomorrow as a common maid.
me: in her French-maid uniform, you like how i play mind checkers?
Chantal Kreviazuk singing "O Canada": Donald Trump, you can't have Canada. ice hockey is our game. you are the LOWLIGHT of human existence. wait, am i still married to Raine? maybe instead of Moon vs. Sun we should have been called Moon vs. Rain...
Jen R to Capp: get to the point that you make friends so when you text them the next time, you're saying "it's me."
Trinity the cat: don't make me utter an INDIGNANT meowl. let me forage in the film-noir laundry shed...
Zach Galifianakis: me for Orson Welles. i need a TINY fireplace on my mantle...
Boc: you know how men walk their dogs in the park to attract jogging women? it's the opposite for me, i see a guy walking his dog and i jog the OTHER way and there's gonna be NO date, mister...
Jen takes me to Muriel's Wedding: The Musical in Australia.
Brent scootches us over so he can fit in the seat.
Brent: Wharf Theatre my fat ass. they serve the musical patrons lager and whalemeat to get us oiled up, so we'll sing along, the songs are good enough on their own, they don't need help. the non-ABBA songs...
Jen R perching a smoking cigarette between her bare toes: now this is Brent, your kindergarten best friend you haven't seen in 40 years.
me: i don't know what to say to him. being Australian is so cool.
Jen R: don't assume he's a surfer. don't ask him why his mom is named Carmel. do not talk about Foster's Beer, only Foster's Ale. do not talk about Tim Tams or the Australian Open of Golf or swimming or Hugh Laurie or prison or Muriel's Wedding.
Brent: i am a real person, not an Aussie.
P. J. Hogan: no relation to Paul Hogan, what a shame. Hogan is like Smith in Australia.
on the Safeway shelves.
cream cheese: ONLY on bagels...
Larry: it takes big balls to wear pajamas in prison...
curl care: this shampoo doesn't ELIMINATE curls, it makes your curls GLISTEN...
Brooke Trantor: plop.
Larry: Blueberry Dr. Pepper.........i mean.........i don't know...
Lalo: don't make one of the baby toys a fidget spinner...
Jen R: hon is a Maryland thing.
Lindy Lenz: let's have a double date.
me: i don't want to share you.
Lindy: no, you come to Baltimore for some Towsons Bagels. cheese bagels with a side of egg. and then i travel to California to Islands restaurant. do they have pizza there? i only eat triple-cheese pizza.
me: a burger with extra cheese. make it an early lunch.
Lindy: yeah, malls are creepy at night.
Boc wobbles into Safeway after a long hard walk.
Boc: i'm sweaty, i need beans. why is the chili WITH beans LESS expensive than the chili WITHOUT beans? B&M, not a good name for beans...
Jaleel White: don't call me Steve Harvey, i'm WAY cooler than that guy. it's boring hosting Flip Side, there's not much to do.
Jaleel White: can we have a Steve-Urkel-lookalike dance contest in the middle of every Flip Side episode?
Timothee Chalamet: dancing is the only thing i don't do well...
coincidence: the universe is not magical...
Louise Post: i cried, Wolf...
Joanie: how am i gonna live without mum?
Muriel: you aren't. you will not survive.
Melissa Maker: $30,000 a life?...
Boc: walking clears my head.........both meanings.........i have a concussion...
Jules Smith in Australia: all monologues are rants...
me: i'm nervous for my job interview in an hour. haven't slept a wink all night. my pajamas are SOAKED.
Alejandro: calm your tits. i mean calm your mind.
me: i've never worked a day in my life.
Alejandro: breathe. breathe. but that is an indictment of society and humanity. my '90s doctor told me breathing would cure my Jerry's disease. interviews are cinchy. you'll anticipate the trick question, right? remember what i taught you.
me: right. the yoga tea sold at Safeway smells like chicken curry.
Alejandro: that's the one.
me: can't i just say i have a concussion? i really do have a concussion, pin needles and pinpricks are inside my right temple as we speak. they give jobs to concussions, don't they?
Alejandro: imagine the cash register as your personal home-computer keyboard you're blogging on right now...
me: and on top of the concussion i have razor bumps on the part of my shaved head not concussed so in total i look like a cancer patient.
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