Lili Estefan: HOLA MI GENTE!!! you know what? i can't do this anymore...
Raul De Molina: what's the matter, Blondie Bustamante?
Lili: Raulie, i'm having an existential crisis about the show.
Raul: right here right now as the lights are on and the cameras are rolling?
Lili: it's just, is CELEBRITY everything?
Late, the handsome young Spanish man who was sure to be Raul's successor, steps up on the grassy set to deliver his lines with force.
Fuerza: ...
Late: see that QR Code at the bottom right corner of your TV screen? scan it with your phone and get all that juicy behind-the-scenes stuff from your favorite correspondents and all of us here at El Gordo y La Flaca!!!
Raul: that was STRONG, young man. good for you, chico. you sound like you really want to be here, that you're enjoying working here day after day, year after year. the camera adds ten pounds but you can't fake enthusiasm.
Raul De Molina delivers a flying spin-kick right to Late's face.
Late: what the fuck, hombre.
Raul: your head is the perfect shape of a soccer ball.
Late: i looked up to you, man. you were my idol. how did you do a flying spin-kick? you're too fat for that.
Tanya Charry: everyone thinks it's Tanya Cherry. do not confuse me with Gelena Solano.
Gelena Solano: do not confuse me with Tanya Charry. just drop me off at the D.R., that's where the real sun lives.
Maria Hurtado: don't hurt me, MC Hammer, with your love songs.
Elizabeth Curiel: as the only true Mexican on this panel.........i got a hangnail.
Miss Yvonne: Pee-wee, now that we're all HERE, no more secrets, no more lies, let it all come out with the wash.
Pee-wee Herman: are you my mommy?
Miss Yvonne: yes. i fucked Jambi. Jambi gave good head.
Jambi: wait i'm in Heaven but i'm still in this fucking box?!!! get me out of this fucking box!!!
Pee-wee: why isn't my face green?
Miss Yvonne: it is. you're colorblind. but that doesn't matter, Pee-wee. you taught us all to love each other no matter what, to love all colors.
Orson Welles: so this is how Moby Dick ends: i harpoon the white whale for calling me fat.
Courtney Love: Jack In The Box food just speaks to me, you know?
Chantal Kreviazuk: i'm the Canadian Paula Cole.
Invincible: when it starts to look like The Venture Bros...
Jaleel White: be those exes who team up and go on a game show together...
Billy Corgan: "With Every Light" is my "All You Need is Love..."
Suzy Lu: i had a church wedding.........a Final Fantasy wedding in a church...
me: what do you call someone you talk to every day online?
Jen R: girlfriend...
Capp: why does everything in life take such a LONG DAMN TIME to happen?!!!
Jen R: that's what gets you out of bed the next day forever...
Raul De Molina: for you see, this is a SPECIAL EPISODE of El Gordo y La Flaca at the Super Bowl!!!
Lili Estefan: but Raulie, this is Saturday. and we're on the wrong field.
Raul: the Monterrey Aztecs soccer team are playing here this afternoon, that's a bigger game anyway.
Titus the little person: i am not dressing up as a football. either one.
Lili: look at the stadium we're in, it's in the shape of a Tetris block...
Titus: where is the head pillow? that's my body pillow...
Lili: a pillow for my bare feet when i have High Tea with the King of England...
The Big O: the Megadeus's neck is the Atari symbol...
Lindy Lenz: do you want to come over? i'm naked.
me: yes.
me: thank you for giving me your phone number.
Lindy: oh the phone number attached to this apartment is dead because the roof caved in, i had to flee to parts unknown...
me: i look like Frieza's final form.
a monk playing the lute and singing by himself to end the album...
Jackie Fitzgerald: sex under a crescent moon is the roughest...
Jen R: Jen-R-ator Rex.
Jen R: love is.........being there.
Melissa Maker: when they say don't operate heavy machinery after taking medication, they mean cars...
Bergman Island.
me: this movie is what i wanted to do in real life. i was envisioning a batch of short stories taking place on Faro, Ingmar Bergman comes back from the dead as Batman telling anyone who will listen that Heaven exists.
Ingmar Bergman: but it's secluded...
Tim Roth using GPS to drive: what do all these Swedish placenames mean?
wife: Death Bog.
Vicky Krieps: it's just nice to be in a movie, you know?
Lars von Trier: see? rustling reeds like Antichrist...
Ingmar Bergman: make sure my island stays secret. don't ride the fucking bicycles, those bikes broke Lance Armstrong's heart. watch only Tom & Jerry on that TV.
Vicky: that Boy with the Dragon Tattoo arm tattoo is really unseemly and obnoxious.
Tim: sorry, i got it when i was 17.
Ingmar: i mean should ANY artist have kids?...
Vicky: want your marriage to last? never look at your husband's porn.........that he writes and draws. honey, we need to talk.
Tim: okay i admit, the hook in the butt is a bit much.
Vicky: The Magician.
Tim: that was like an episode of Mork & Mindy.
Vicky: Seventh Seal.
Tim: between you and me, that was his worst one.
Vicky: Saraband.
reelist: be a realist, nobody gets to Saraband, people outgrow Bergman long before getting to Saraband...
cheers and whistles: not cries and whispers.
Stephen Merchant in the gift shop: trying out my Shaggy from Scooby-Doo look. why didn't Shaggy have long hair?...
Stephen: thanks for making that movie, that movie caused my girlfriend to dump me. now i want to die.
Vicky: how did Ingmar Bergman handle fame?...
Stephen: can you get drunk if you drink enough cider?
Vicky: what's with all these LARGE sheets of lambskin?
Stephen Merchant: condom for my cock.
tour guide: we end the Bergman Safari with this scene from Before Midnight...
Stephen Merchant: i TOTALLY thought you were gonna kiss me on the lips through the open car window just then.
Ingmar: Faro, it's like Portland but in the country...
Vicky: what's it about?
Tim: our fucked-up marriage.
Vicky: can't wait to read it.
Tim: and if the pollen in the air can make me invisible.
Vicky: so mine is that episode of The Love Boat but swap out Andy Warhol for Ingmar Bergman.
Ingmar: i can do sitcom cameos.
Jen R: wait this is OUR story!!!
me: a few fleeting moments of happiness.........a sketch.........a cuddle...
Joseph: want an upper-decker?
Mia: what?
Joseph: on your chest.
Mia: that's the thing with boats, you can't leave boats...
Jules Smith: you need to be around normal people with sound lucid minds in the countryside.
Today Show: we get you through your morning making you feel just a bit better about things.........you know, we make you forget for three hours that life is meaningless...
George Clooney: there's a time when a man must put down his coffee and wine and run for President...
Bill Gates: i'm Good Elon Musk.
Titus is the director on set.
Titus: my headset is bigger than me.
Titus is also the prankster on set, he's the one always scurrying around the set pulling pranks on the cast as the crew laughs in the background, cracking jokes with the hosts as he snickers like a jumpy fox, pulling the correspondents' pants down, and wearing silly costumes.
Titus: i figure since i'm already a dwarf i might as well go crazy in my life.
Raul De Molina: when you confront me in the monologue, pull my face down to yours, and tell me a joke that makes fun of me, that makes me uncomfortable, i fake-smile after because you make me uncomfortable, Titus.
Titus: story of my life.
Titus: hey Lat...
Late: you making fun of my Latin heritage?!!!
Titus: no, your lat muscles, i was admiring your pecs and biceps, do you work out? what do you mean, we're all Latin American here.
Late: you want me to drop-kick you through those uprights, you mischievous midget?!!!
Titus: orale, amigo. calm down, hombre. temper temper. you're too irascible, man, we're friends. you gotta calm down, dude on a duderanch.
Late: sorry. sorry. climbing the Mexican Hollywood corporate ladder gives me stress.
No comments:
Post a Comment