Monday, May 26, 2014


i don't have a lover, but i'll play along.

1. do you prefer your lover a) fresh from the bath and perfumed b) freshly bathed but no perfume c) clean but not right fresh from the gold tub of cheese d) stanky?: stanky, musty, sweaty, musky, smelly, like Oscar the Grouch, au natural, really really natural, unclean, with visible stink lines, dirty inside and out, yeah, the way nature intended.

2. do you maintain your body for sex with respect to facial hair, body hair, pubic hair, fingernails, and toenails? i'm all about respect. respect for each and every living thing. the only thing i maintain are my pubes. i curl them, perfume them, and add a tiny red bow to each one before breakfast.

3. do you maintain/prepare according to your lover's preferences? yes. of course. i'll do whatever she wants. i love her and will change myself completely for her. i'd die for her. one time, she did ask me to role-play as Oscar the Grouch which was a bit weird. had to lug the entire heavy trash can onto the bed...

4. do you have body adornments---piercings, tats---for sexual reasons? does your lover? no, i have them cos i want to stand out in the crowd. i have this thing where this dude inks the fuck out of me for four hours in a smelly cave and it stays inked forever. i also have this thing where the dude pierces the fuck out of my skin and it holds metal. it's quite a trip. i look so different from any other human out there, unique and special. i'm the only one in the world who has this.

5. do you choose condoms, lube, cosmetics, or other sexually-relevant items based on how they taste? do you not use them because of the taste? no, but i have a lot of sexually-irrelevant items like a ball and a can of coke. wait...nevermind. i have a refined palate, everything tastes good to me, especially you.

6. is there a taste or aroma that turns you on or that you can use to turn on your lover? garlic. we get off on the stuff cos we're goths. to our species, garlic is taboo, forbidden, deadly, and dangerous. we are like dogs in heat whenever the annual Garlic Festival rolls around.

bonus: do you prepare a room for sex---mood music, candles, scent, cleaning it or anything? tell us about it: NIN is the greatest mood music of all time, especially "Closer". of course there's gotta be candles which smell like Oscar the Grouch's trash can home. i clean but i don't do windows. and the piece de resistance: Burger King baby! i use those dollar Burger King burgers to buy anything like in those commercials, i don't carry cash and coins in my pocket anymore, i barter everything, we're back to a barter economy, that will save the bad economy. now my baby does get a bit sore when i come home from work and there are no more dollar burgers cos i bartered them all, but we just use the stuff we got from bartering with the dollar burgers to barter to get more dollar burgers!




Jules said...

Oh come now, sweet Phoenix, you have lovers from all corners of the globe begging to tie those little red bows for you.

Can of coke and a ball....very cloak and dagger ;)

the late phoenix said...

juli: the Phoenix brand is global, worldwide, i'm like Jay-Z yep.

Unknown said...

I literally laughed out loud envisioning your red bows!

the late phoenix said...

jessica: it's my version of firecrotch.