Monday, May 5, 2014


1. ever invented something in your mind you thought would be commercially viable? no, but my Italian bff did. he had this thing in 4th grade that he knew would land him on Easy Street. he'd be Scrooge McDuck swimming in his gold coins after this: a telephone humidifier. he figured that when people went to use their landline phones, the grease and oil of their fingers, palms, and ears as they handled the receiver and talked would accumulate over time. simply press an extra red button on your dialpad to send cleaning fumes all throughout the phone case, receiver, and long coil. the gas would come out of those tiny holes in the listening part of the phone where you place your ear. it would be quite the show, a large puff of white smoke would envelop your phone for awhile there. tell me what you think of this, and i'll relay your comments when i visit him in Italy.

2. painter? drawer? photographer? ceramist? potter? sculptor? silversmith? go on, share your art with the world: potter here meaning clay, not the other stuff, right? just making clear. without the other stuff, there is no art.

i don't want to brag, but before i typed stories on a blog, i helped a certain young woman with her pottery, see the pics above. i guided her hands as she handled the clay, and we made the most gorgeous long, bulbous jars of clay. they all ended up looking like huge dongs. speaking of which, afterwards we would make love, not fuck, make sweet love. this created quite a stir, everyone wanted our autographs. i couldn't sign because i was a spirit. i am still a spirit now. RIP.

3. fiction? poetry? make up plots? are you a writer? yes, yes i am. i am a writer. i will always be a writer, always have been. i always carry around 3 or 4 original plots in my mind at all times, much like the condoms i carry around with me just in case. my work is here on this blog, please take a look at all of the original stories i have conceived of and give them your harsh review, i would appreciate that. all i can ever give to the world from now on is my stories because i can't drive a car for the rest of my life because of my anxiety. i hope one of my ideas is turned into a watercooler tv show one day, like Seinfeld or 24 or The PJs.

4. musician? sing or play am instrument? i play my instrument, but it only lasts for a minute tops. i used to play the organ. i wish i knew how to rock out on an electric guitar. also wish i could sing. i was obsessed with Smashing Pumpkins 50% because they are the greatest band in the world but 50% because i wanted to BE in the band, i wanted to write Billy-style songs like that.

5. write computer programs? my beloved father was the greatest coder of all time. RIP. back in the magic '80s, stuff like the original Prince of Persia game for PC was magic indeed. those early bit-graphic games were revolutionary and would craft smiles into the most hardened of cynical burly programmers my dad worked with. i'd smile, they'd smile, and we knew we were living in the golden age of video games. then that E.T. game came out and we rethought our priorities...

6. woodworker? baker? sewer? what's the last thing you made? i wish, i look up to those people. i fell in love with that burly man in the plaid shirt with the beard who makes all those things out of wood with ease on PBS. maybe it was just the Cobain plaid shirt. i'm still in love with Martha Stewart. that she's now a hardened jailbird who doesn't give a fuck anymore makes her sexier. you never leave prison even after you leave prison.

the last thing i made was a friend of mine smile. i made her smile. that's worth more than any clay jar.

bonus: what's the last pic up above there? write a caption:

THE PICKLE PETER, OR COCK CUCUMBER: when your lover loves the kink but is still a vegetarian... cut up these two cucumbers into a nice salad with honey vinaigrette, walnuts, and raspberries. makes the perfect meal to share between the both of you. then, when you cum in her mouth, everyone is assured that the cum will be green. environmentally-friendly cum.




Jules said...

Your bonus answer: A novel and interesting delivery of an innocent smoothie.

the late phoenix said...

sometimes a smoothie is just a smoothie ;)