1999-2013

R.I.P.

as the messageboards intoned: sure, he was a douche, but he was OUR douche.

let's just hope those flux capacitors get found soon, the time machine is built anew, and the status quo is restored.

Vinny sucks.







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SSS: BREADTH

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above to complete the Triforce of Wisdom. have the wisdom each of you to go check out the latest Zelda game, A Link Between Worlds. don't have the money? you're like me. hop onto youtube and check out some of the great walkthroughs of the game offered. i love you and not just 'cause of the triforce money.





          time is running out. for me. for the first time in eleven weeks, i had a space of time to sit on my bed and think, the miniseries was over, the miniseries reviews i had to do were over, i thought about how i'd be next year. would it all be the same? would there be no forward progress as usual? would my sex be dependent on comments back? that is always a losing proposition, folks, every time. what is the point? really, what is the point of all this? i look upon the entire scope of my knowledge of life, the sum total of my existence, and what have i learned? pop culture, that's it. no real things, no real feelings that aren't followed by a sitcom laugh track, no driving force that propels me forward to the next day, no Link to the past or future through another's well-being. i protect no one except the tiny imperceptible troll which lives in my belly that trolls me everyday in my head with hurtful comments, confirming the sinking feeling that i am alone and there isn't a godhand hidden in the stars pulling my strings, there is in fact only more outer space.

          the holidays are a good time for reflection. they are a forced time for reflection thanks to Dark sales and tv ads bombarding us with more Santa money. only the ones who contribute can sit at the adult table, they get the turkey. turkeys like me sit alone, those who leech can only watch...the Twilight Zone they're living in. i watch football, i used to play as a kid...futbol...back when winning mattered. the pizza and orange slices tasted better in the '90s.

          no, i get no feast, no share of the holiday warmth, because i am not part of a family, a group, a circle of protection and growth, i don't matter because my actions don't directly affect the happiness of another. my smile doesn't in turn make another smile. loners have too much freedom, there is such a thing.

          go on, eat and be merry while i slap together two slices of whitebread and SPREAD, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

          i spread open for anyone who will listen, spread my worth apart into billions of tiny little pieces, scatter my ashes into space waiting for the aliens to come pick me up, for that is what i must be. billions and billions and billions of tiny little stars...

          Fleetwood Mac makes me cry. like her, like her, i sacrificed having a family for my art. well, this art of mine better be damn good then. how can it be? no art can. f***. l***. fuck. love.

          i forgot to leave a legacy. i forgot to have a family.









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TMIT: I'M THANKFUL FOR YOU(TUBE)

1. if you had to be trapped inside a movie for 5 days, which movie would you pick?

obvious answer: Star Wars
subtle answer: My Dinner With Andre
hopeful answer: the Legend of Zelda movie that needs to be made, although some of the fan-made ones on youtube already out now are pretty good i must say

2. who is starring in the movie of your life? they say i look like Joseph Gordon-Levitt, but he couldn't be bothered. it was short notice, so we had to go with Ron Jeremy.

3. what is your favorite curse word? Inside The Actors Studio...it's a long word, but it's effective when i'm feeling down in the dumps.

4. what word or phrase do you say most often during sex? SPANK BANK OVERLOAD!!!......i haven't had sex in twenty years...

5. what word or phrase are you tired of hearing during sex? you suck. i like the command you, comma, suck, but not you suck.

6. what word or phrase do you like to hear during sex? i believe in God again after you, so i'm going straight from here to the convent.

bonus: which sex profession would you attempt? explain yourself: fluffer. isn't that just the cutest word you ever did hear?......................................................................................................................................................................it's what?



happy Thanksgiving all.

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THE EARS HAVE IT

i can sum up my life perfectly:

MY LIFE IS 0:05 AND 1:15 OF THIS LINK, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE





any lurkers out there? hi! i love all my beautiful lurkers! don't be shy, show yourselves, comment, make yourselves known, i won't bite, unless you want me to, i just want to be your friend. *group hug*

go ahead, you never know, it could be the start of a wonderful friendship or a passionate courtship...well, online friendship, dating-site-style love, but it's better than nothing.





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SSS: WANDERLOST WITH MEMORY

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above for 3 of 4, the Triforce becomes Fourforce




Fleetwood Mac makes me cry
i know why
THEIR MUSIC TOUCHES THE SKY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

remember, you will forget me
but i'll always remember you
that is what it means to breathe

i've wandered for so so long
my feet are battered
my head so so unclear from the snow
that i didn't see the endless circle my feet were making

remember, you will forget me
but i'll always remember you
that is what it means to feel

i am the original gypsy
the original loner
i was born without name or family
and am searching for a god
to fill the void when meaning tries to patch
the gap of love

i dreamed of tigers on a spaceship
i had to fend for my life
i wish this signified more
was a metaphor
for
a larger stellar scheme
but it was just my cat roaming at night
not with me in bed

remember, you will forget me
but i'll always remember you
that is what it means to hurt

i've forgotten what i was doing here
forgotten what i was meant to do
the map was permanently burned
to warm the soles of my feet, to warm my souls

remember, you will forget me
i can't help but always remember you
this is what it means to live

remember, you will forget me...




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TMIT: IT TOOK ME 20 YEARS TO NOTICE THE WORD "BEAT" IN THE BEATLES

sorry, folks, i'm not feeling good today, i'm in depressed mode, i was minding my own business last night playing dice on the corner in the back where the liquor store butts up against the church when some dude went out of his way to come up to me and call me a garbage ass. my feelings have been hurt ever since.

1. from erotica to sex blogs everyone is talking about their intense orgasms. are you experiencing the same level of intense orgasmic waves? wait, the stuff that's typed on sex blogs is REAL?!

2. real sex versus film/magazine sex. it seems when you experience real sex, it just isn't as glamorous as the sex depicted in the naughty films or even the classic films. you don't orgasm like that. what have you done to cultivate real sexual pleasure in your life? i'm still holding out hope that i will get to experience sex the Last Tango In Paris way. i've got my butter ready.

3. in the last 3 years, has your sexual pleasure waned/stayed the same/increased, enhanced, improved, intensified?: the history books only started taking written records a day ago. as for yesterday, i did experience an unheard-of burst of sexual energy...oh no, sorry, i think that was just me eating cereal.

4. if you cum more intensely than your partner, do you feel guilty and try to make up for the sexual deficit, or just go with the flow and be thankful for what you've got? sorry, but this question is getting me more depressed. i don't have a girlfriend and my Real Doll left me. i'd like to cum, but it just isn't the same anymore. i feel so guilty about so many things. i should have been straight-up with my Real Doll from the start and told her that this was a temporary arrangement, that it would only last for about a minute or so.

5. how important is it for you and your main squeeze to have simultaneous orgasms? very/somewhat/i'd be nice to once and awhile explode at the same time: i want to explode...at the same time...i want to go out a bedroom legend...what a way to go! we'd both cum so hard and so long and so simultaneously that the force would rip apart the space-time continuum and our united bodies would float up to Heaven. stories would be written about the super-couple that we were, stuff would be written on sex blogs...that stuff would be deleted because it was on sex blogs and none of that stuff is true.

bonus: is having an orgasm the same as sexual pleasure?: no, two different things. if you orgasm, you're lucky, count yourself amongst The Chosen and pray. if you don't or can't orgasm, it's okay, you weren't Chosen, but you can still hang out with me and eat cereal.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

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DO NOT CLICK ON THIS LINK.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

right in the childhood? i know, i know, i'm sorry, but i warned you...




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SSS: OLD RECIPE

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above on their cool logo for #2 of 4 of the Triforce thing. connect the dots, la la la la...



RECIPE FOR HAPPINESS

1/2 cup don't know
1/2 cup need to know but can't find the answer
1/2 cup knowing that i'll never know

sprinkle in some purpose, not too much or it spoils the happiness broth; purpose is a secret ingredient that even the chef doesn't know the flavor of

a hint of thyme and time, you always need time to complete the tasks, time is more of a commodity than money

a sanctuary to prepare a side dish all alone, in privacy, privacy for you and i to feel with and play with my hard erect throbbing juicy wet penis, all long, as long as a ten-foot pole, i don't want to know if i'm dreaming, you wouldn't touch it with a ten-foot pole, but i do, stroking and masturbating in peace

time to spice up the dish: may i touch your breasts? may i lay on your large tits, lay my worldweary head? thank you, i need to rest from this crazy world, i need to lie in repose on your body and feel the togetherness of two as one, head on huge pillows, stroking them, fondling them, sucking them, circling the nipples, tasting the broth of life

and then round the dish out with a heaping tablespoon of Reader's Digest

a rounded teaspoon of Jeopardy! to keep up the illusion that if i can answer pop questions in the form of a question i am somehow smart

a smattering of Oprah's Favorite Things, not too much or it becomes a drug which replaces love

dip in a glaze of religion, for color more than anything, color more than substance

and mix all ingredients in a large oversize wooden bowl full of splinters. if you prick yourself and get cut, a little blood won't hurt the broth, but many cooks will. besides, being a prick, it fits.

oh, forgot the final ingredient that melds it all together into one dynamic life-force plate of energy, not an oven, not a microwave, but pure

ELECTRICITY, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK





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TMIT: HOT FOR THERAPIST

MOUTH UPDATE: the lower left quadrant hurts like fuck. it seems to be gums, not the teeth. either way, i want the pain to end. i don't care about appearances, no more gold teeth, i just need the damn thing suctioned off forever. whatever you have to do, doc: gel, antibiotics, root-canalling my entire mouth, i'd rather have a hollow mouth and no pain than a bunch of pearly whites and pain. i don't mind Pein from Naruto, but not pain. damn jaw. damn wintry cold weather. damn the torpedoes. drill in my mouth like a torpedo, i want something else in my mouth...

1. did any teachers at your high school have sex with a student? did any student act out on their teacher crush? i was waiting for it, we all were, it was a Catholic school after all. not any that i knew about, but you have to remember, back then, i was only paying attention to the fact that i was turning into a beetle.

y'know, there was one hot-as-fuck teacher that i remember, i had a crush on her, but it was more that i was part of the Collective Crush that all the boys in an all-boys religious school would have on an attractive babe of a teacher who showed leg and lowered the curve all the time.

2. did any of your college (or any post-high school) professors have sex with or other inappropriate relationship with a student? my first semester, freshman year, i was feeling homesick...let's just say i happened to get straight As that semester...let's just leave it at that...oh Mrs. P, Mrs. P, the history you taught me, your husband and everything, i know, but...Mrs. P, i WAS expecting the Spanish Inquisition.

i confessed to the affair to my college guidance counselor, which is like a high-school guidance counselor but effective. she said she'd keep everything confidential but only if i'd sleep with her. she was hot so i agreed. i don't know, she had those Princess Leia hair buns and she did that cute little thing with her nose, scrunched it up when she feigned annoyance, so that got me. best piece of blackmail i've ever received, best mail i've ever received period, including spam and bills. she turned out to be Mrs. P's sister. i dropped out of college before the shit went down...oh Mrs. P...

3. have any of your co-workers had an affair with a fellow co-worker? i don't work, i'm just waiting to die.

4. have you seen any hanky-panky between members of a club or church you belong to? shhh, you didn't hear this from me, shhhh, *whisper voice*, but...um...those atheists who play bingo every Sunday down the street at the old abandoned mine...they're not playing bingo if you catch my drift...*heehehhhe, shut up, shut up *slap on shoulder*, quiet, remember?!, quiet...they're actually playing Pocket Wheel of Fortune with anal.

5. have you ever had a friend keep you up-to-date on his/her marital infidelities? have you ever had a friend: you lost me after that.

one time, some random dude called me up on my landline telephone and said in a whisper voice: "the password is CUM IN MOUTH." i guess that's the same thing, that's what you're talking about, right?

bonus: have you caught someone you knew out with a person who wasn't his/her regular partner? yes, i was so disappointed, i sent him right away to get some help from a professional, a nice bald man who squiggled all the time and spoke in a soft, joking, deadpan voice...that's a Dr. Katz reference in case you...yeah...PIC 1 FROM UP TOP THERE...

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MAGIC HOLE

i am on a quest. my ancient forefathers spoke in the dusty tomes about a particular Magic Hole. every man yearns to find this magic hole, every man is not complete in his life without it. the Hole comes to him in his dreams, it comes, it comes on hard, full force, in a roaring, torrential gusher. each man is ultimately an adventurer. in true Joseph Campbell archetypal fashion, each man must make his mark on the world through a hero quest, a long hard arduous journey to find this elusive paradise. once found, the man simply slides into it and as the legend goes: he will find a new perspective on things, and all of his problems will be solved...

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

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SSS: THE RIFF WHICH ELEVATED THE RIFF-RAFF

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click on their logo above to crank out the new series with metal fury. the 3 dots on my chest are natural and form the Triforce, but what's within this Triforce? tune in each week to the series to find out and to make me happy that you're constantly ogling my chest.




always exhausted, but you know all that. plopped on the couch bed in my room was the tv flickering on or off? or was i coming out of a dream? or the dream within a dream. all of a sudden i'm watching Japanizi: Going, Going, Gong! at first i was like "da fuk?" but then i was all "okay, i get it, it's pretty clever actually, pretty well-done" and i went back to snore to wake up in the dream world. huge-ass bowl of nondescript vanilla ice cream. it's morning, time for my night shower. i shaved my head yesterday, my frizzy head of hair was getting into weeds territory, and yet when i do finally do the deed, there's not much hair on the white floor, just scraps, little bits of scraggly pieces, i'm wondering if i could wait to do it once every two months, or perhaps never shave it again, let it grow out forever until i get that nasty scruffy beard instead of that beautiful long flowing beard the other monks have, that will prevent me from fulfilling my destiny and by destiny i mean monastic destiny and by the deed i mean living. i will go on living forever because i'm in a box praying and because my beard will grow forever until it touches the white floor of realization and stops. after the bath, i forgot to bring new boxer shorts in with me, should i just go commando the rest of the day? no, i have things to do tonight: go to the bathroom, take a bath, the deed. i don't want to fall asleep, because it's always the same painful thing: a new million-dollar guitar riff pops into my head, it plays around in my head in a perfect symphony, its harmony is precise, its ringing is clear, and the most important thing, it's an original song. then i wake up and forget it, and my dreams of being the next Billy Corgan are dashed. if only i could remember those riffs, i need a tape recorder by my bed, i need a tape recorder in my head, one day i will remember the riff, i will remember it, i will remember my wasted life, i will churn out an original song that competes with the likes of

THIS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

deed: replace one of the e's with an a and you get dead.




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TMIT: DID YOU KNOW THAT COFFEE COMES FROM SATAN?

1. you cut your sandwich along the diagonal, forming two triangles. do you eat the point or the hypotenuse? i'm an English major, so hypotenuses (hypotenii?) scare me. Mommy, it'll hurt if i swallow...

2. dipping a tortilla chip: do you dip the tip or the side of the chip as you scoop and take in the jams? "dip the tip" sounds so naughty, i'll try that. my jam is still "Toy Soldiers" but i also like "Go" from Pearl Jam, gets me riled up better than coffee. be like Seinfeld from Seinfeld: never double-dip the chip. be like Light from Death Note: take a potato chip...and eat it!

3. are you a coffee addict? how much of the sweet dark goodness do you imbibe daily? how much is a "cup" of coffe in your estimation? see PIC 1 from the top...i mean, PIC 14 from the top...or PIC 1 from the bottom...that's how much i eat.

4. do you take cream in your tea? how many sugars? i only drink mondo iced tea, brah, it's my duel fuel when i'm out on the waves, brah, fermented on secret farms on a secret island in the middle of the secret sea, brah. one time a surf punk came up to me on his surfboard while the both of us were on a killer wave and said, "hey, brah, have a little tea with your sugar!" then he laughed for an hour. i felt so bad about my brah self. i do eat too much sugar, and one day i'm gonna die...then where will i be?...in The Great Ocean In The Sky?...no, brah, just dead.

5. how do you eat a burrito? pick up with hands, bite an end/ cut in half, eat half/ fork and knife/ open tortilla, eat the inside contents, eat tortilla last:

STEP 1: GO TO CHIPOTLE.

STEP 2: BLEED.

actually, though, i did used to do that when i was a kid, eat the insides first and save the tortilla for last, that tortilla which would be imbued with all the flavor of the lettuce and the tomatoes and the meat and the sauce. we used to be able to eat outside at Taco Bell, the tables and bolted-on chairs were still clean enough, and the big black dogs didn't jump over the thin tin fence and chase after you all around the street for your chalupa.

6. pizza: how do you eat a slice and why? open slice/ fold it together, then bite/ fork and knife/ crust first, then rest of slice: just recently, Captain Jean-Luc Picard had pizza for the first time in his life, for the FIRST TIME! he's pretty old. he's awesome, but he's old. i found that remarkable, so i'll eat pizza any way my favorite Star Trek captain eats pizza. hey, that fold-together technique, that's a New York thing, right? or a Chicago thing? an L.A. thing? a surfer thing, right?

bonus: what is the weirdest thing that you are into? unpaid blogging...

bonus bonus: do you care if your different foods on a plate touch each other? what's that all about?! yeah, i know what you mean, i used to be that way when i was a kid. then i became a surfer and realized i was gonna die one day, so i let it all go. it doesn't really matter in the end, right? it all goes down to the same stomach, or stomachs if you have two. no matter how much you separate the runny eggs from the crisp bacon, it will end up an eggs-bacon smoothie in your stomach...i'm never eating eggs again...well, runny eggs anyway...

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THE AFTER-PARTY

so, how was everyone's Samhain Party? everyone still with us? nobody died on your watch? me? i think i like my eggs fried rather than raw on my porch. i like toilet paper as much as the next cog, but it really does deserve to be on my tree, it adds that certain winter flocking to the tree, it's an early Christmas gift, and it saves me the chore of having to flock the tree come Festivus, so i thank you all. oh, and i think i've had my fill of Duck Dynasty costumes, that's already done. DuckTales forever is more like it.

as everyone in the Mobius strip knows, the after-party is the real party. that's when you collect the numbers, mingle, network, and find your wife...the one dressed as Catwoman over there...past the Duck Dynasty guy...no, the other Duck Dynasty guy...lady...

i make sure i'm ready to attack the after-party. i need to be fully recovered, fully sobered-up from all the "Halloween punch" i imbibed, and i must first delete all the pics that were taken at the party. with my online and real identities both intact, i can stroll into the room and be the center of attention. oh, yeah, but before anything, everyone clear out because i must first

USE THIS PRODUCT, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.

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