THE GREAT SOCK HUNT: CAN YOU GET SOCKS AT A GAS STATION?

 

Javier at Safeway: hello, how are you today?

me: i'm looking for socks. just ordinary socks. haven't had new socks in 13 years. 

Javier: can you get socks at a gas station? because you can't get them here.

me: i'll check.........i guess.

Javier: everyone around here thinks i work at a gas station. because i'm Mexican. every time you get another packet of Boar's Head THICK bacon, you think of me, because i'm the one who cut it up. i'm the butcher boy around here.

Javier: you see that woman over there stocking the catnip?

me: oh yeah, Chola Butt. i've seen her, i mean everyone's seen her...

Javier: it's okay, vato, i get it, her butt is LEGENDARY. her butt is bigger than Planet Earth which is impossible. i've read ancient Aztec legends about this. her face softens the burning red poker in the fireplace of my loins. she looks like if Winona Ryder were Mexican.

me: she isn't?

LeBron James: i'm gonna make ALL the teams wait for me. i'm gonna put on my eyeglasses and backwards felt baseball cap and be Kadeem Hardison from A Different World for a while this summer.

Rescue from Gilligan's Island: this was WEIRD without a laugh track. 

Judith Baldwin: yeah, but this is how TV is done, you do the entire episode saying your jokes and not one person laughs, dead silence on set...

Zalman King: the man is all alone in his whitestone Santorini castle below grey sky, airing his citadel out through the paneless stucco windows. not a soul for miles along the craggy coast lined with green grass. taking off his shirt he gets to work furiously SCRUBBING the 18th-century tub of all the light-orange/brown grime from the centuries. on his knees he envisions his castle siren, in this tub shortly he anticipates that olive-skinned woman from the cafe with the muscular buttocks. the tub shall be the bed. there's no water in the tub, the two will fuck to the undulation of how they imagine the dark-blue waters off the Greek sea to be.

Randolph Mantooth: i couldn't save myself :(

Jen R: bite yourself. a little bloodletting. a dot of blood on your thumb to let the infection out. it frees and relaxes the body. bite me. i mean that as an offer...

Cindy and i are at Islands.

me: okay i'll get the Ocean Burger.

Cindy Lorenz: and i'll have the lobster.........the lobster was dry. how can lobster from the ocean be dry?...

Emily Ratajkowski: 12-way.........bidding war for my book...

Maradona: let's travel back in time, shall we? The Hand of God was nothing more than a handball not seen by the refs. not divine. you guys beat us in the Falklands War, it evens out. a deathbed apology 60 years later is still an apology...

Maradona: so, Harry Kane, your Christmas present from me to you this year is a candy cane and this VAR machine.

Harry Kane: and i'm on that 1994 England team that DOES make the World Cup, i make friends with Alexi Lalas and grow out my ginger Van Dyke mustache and goatee so i can FINALLY be cool.

Alexi Lalas: JUST a soulpatch isn't cool.

Billy Bob Thornton: ...

John Strong: 45 minutes down, 45 *voice cracks* minutes to go...

Harry Kane: mate you want my illegal Tijuana lozenges?

Talia the cat: i'm scared of spiders. but that is my own hairball lithely dancing on eight legs...

Vampire's Kiss: because Nic Cage is doing The Room, it's good...

Maria Conchita Alonso's mother: i'm complimenting my daughter when i tell her to get her little ass to work.

Maria Conchita Alonso: no, mama, the Latina chola butt is ROUND.

Nic Cage with hot yogurt on his toes: i'm gonna call you MCA, that's cool.

Alvin from Alvin & the Chipmunks: ...

Jamie Lee Curtis: i never meant for yogurt to turn into a sex thing.

Jen R: July 4th is the best birthday to have.

Tom Cruise in a wheelchair taking out his penis pump: Born on the Fourth of July ain't all it's cracked up to be.

Hayao Miyazaki: actually, being born on July 11th is the ideal, 7-11, my favorite place to dip my hot dog in a slushie.

Billy Corgan: i got on the Slurpee diet for a good two years, have you ever noticed you've never seen me fat?...

me: so why don't you approach her and ask her out? it won't be awkward, you're coworkers.

Javier: a mere Mexican mortal asking out a greasy grey goddess?!!!

me: but your cock is shriveling as we speak!!! how old are you? don't you want a family?

Javier: i'm 40, family time has passed me by. besides, deciding to have a family is the most CONSEQUENTIAL decision you will ever make in this life, next to whether or not you decide to go crazy. you can't take that shit lightly. maybe in the next life...

Chola Butt: there's no next life!!! it's now or never!!!