KIDQUIZ: DON'T BE SO HARD ON THE KIDS

 

Lucio Rossi's dad: next question, where in the world is Carmen Sandiego?

Lucio Rossi: yeah you WISH this show was as good as that one, as iconic.

Carmen Sandiego: Belize. the answer is i'm always in Belize, i can speak English while still being Spanish...

Lucio Rossi's dad: okay smart guy, what will the World Cup final be in a week?

Lucio: that's Patrick Lavender's favorite guy!!! he is best suited to answer. he's on my left?...

Mark Blatty: oh shit, Patrick Lavender is not paying attention to the video monitor!!! he's playing a Nintendo game...

Lucio Rossi's dad: no swearing on a kid's show, you little shit.

Jen R in the studio audience: hey you better get up there, these are our schoolmates. it's weird how the studio audience of kids sits in FRONT of the game contestants in a seated position.

me: Indian-style in the '80s. okay, let me get up there on stage. wow, now i know what it feels like to be an actor!!! the studio lights really are hot!!!

Lucio Rossi's dad: who's this tosser?

Lucio: my best friend, dad!!!

me: Trump, he's already paid for the U.S/England final...

Patrick Lavender looking up from the big screen after having warped to Level 8: i knew that...

Elvis: i ALMOST made it to the '80s. that's crazy to think about: i'm doing Entertainment Tonight interviews with Mary Hart. i'm dancing on stage shaking my jeaned butt with George Michael, we have the same acoustic guitar. i'm voicing a character on The Smurfs, i'm Gargamel's good-hearted lute-playing city brother who comes to visit...

Arsinee Khanjian in Felicia's Journey: they really leaned into my FRENCH side, not my Armenian side...

Nadal: don't get it twisted, grass is harder on the knees than clay. 

Federer: thanks for making me feel even WORSE. The Greatest Match my Swiss-cheese buttocks.

banana bread: the smell of Christmas.

Arthur Fery: Ferytale.........hmmm.........i'm watching you, British press, don't try anything clever, don't call me a poof...

Trinity: i'm a cat, i'm eternally suspicious of EVERYTHING. i know that's water in my bowl but i don't trust it...

CoffeeMate Original flavor: i'm mild tantric.

Matt at the Ralphs in Tarzana: i will ONLY give you your change in $50 bills. there's only one $50 bill in a Ralphs cash register at any one time during the year.

Meals on Wheels chefs: we cook ropa vieja pork. yeah. surprised ya. we're more talented than Gordon Ramsay but he never brings his cameras here...

Gordon Ramsay in his old soccer clothes: ...

Drew Barrymore: E.T. talked to me, he told me to kick the drugs and start getting high on life...

Jackie Joseph: i'm Mary Tyler Moore but instead of wearing a beret i wear a Mario hat...

Green Day: there's just ONE Dookie album with a Bert puppet crowdsurfing on the back cover, it's worth a million dollars. 

Lucio Rossi's dad: ST. CYRIL'S WINS KIDQUIZ!!!

Lucio: fuck yeah.

Lucio's dad: i'm okay.

Lucio: do you know what this means?!!! with this Amiga computer in our Catholic school's lab, no osprey will be caught in a water net again. no mine cart will ever not be filed with a heaping tablespoon of diamonds. and most of all, we get a cure for dysentery!!! because the Oregon Trail will henceforth be known as the Portland Trail.  

Lucio's dad: what is the cure for dysentery?

Jen's husband: in true Portland style, to get addicted to just the computer games you can find at a library.