ASKED AFTER: TOTEM WEED

 

i couldn't deny my attraction to Liza from Safeway. i saw her every day as i made my morning walk and got my 4 items that never amounted to over $20. she was always my check girl, the old man on the bus bench from Ghost World, reliable, there. sure she was friendly to me but she was friendly to everybody. i had to make my move, the lust was overwhelming bubbling in my innards. there were ants in my spirit.

me: are you attracted to me?

Liza: no.  

me: before you say no...you're fast.

Liza; i'm old enough to be your mother.

me: i like mommies. you think someone like me could hang with some 18-year-old airhead?

Liza: i had my stout baseball son and stopped dating. got in a groove of being alone. watching The Sandlot alone. i dunno, don't want to upset the balance. but you are kind of a cool someone to watch soccer with at a bar, nothing more.

Liza: let's see if we're compatible. what is the greatest injustice in the world?

me: that they made Travolta evil in Carrie. Travolta should always be cuddly, huggable, derpy Barbarino with the kind smile.

Liza: poverty.

Liza: okay, what makes you cry?

me: the intro song to Deep Space Nine.

Liza: flowers. you're strangely derpy for being so intelligent.

Steve Buscemi in Ghost World: i should have been the bus guy. bus-cemi, huh? huh? perfect casting. me playing a strange suicide spirit? no, just an old man waiting for the death bus. not all old men are weird. i'm that guy who gets excited when he puts spicy mayonnaise on his chicken sandwich.

Jaleel White: Flip Side is an impossible game show. not only does it bring in-laws together, it brings EX-in-laws together!!!

Melissa Maker: ...

Flip Side crew: there's a lot of moving questions. we move a lot, a lot of movers at our various houses...

Enid in Ghost World: have you ever been born. and then once you were born, you just wanted to die?...

Orders bookstore; THOIS was a warehouse store, not Cistoco.

Didn't rain notes; g'day from Camberra. I will help you with your mom the way picky lawless is in u Life Is nother...

Max Rse, smiloingL I'm out running does OC ice again, un Josy a New Yorker.

Trent reznprt; we have BAO;s for we CNA type on a Lenard. push bottoms on an alert oca machine. althought it would be cool if you goners were lost these squishy sticks Ike hot dogs, very cartoons.

Billie biweekly:l I bald head is shinier than Billy vrigan;s/ nails are for proper typo.

Trestle bot NYU nails, how eye omg, beer protected me form muy feelings...

YoiTibel it;s kat the latest toy. it's the 2020 version of the  Nontendo Greybox parents are getting their kids ring lights like they did new grey Nontendo railroad game cross back in the 1980s that cost $89 a pop.

McHale Eyoss: on Instagram the women are;t just eerily beautiful, they;re HIT Y.

Brooke trnao: ...

Michael Eissl he dorms; need to look at her Instagrma anymore.e he knows what her art ps gonna be!!!

Eggs: this waggle will only Breton Golden after ONR toast if you LSIGJH with a loved one whole it that's.

Zaman kingly think balc to a replaced Dtaorday morning. you tale a soothing shower in the middle of yeahs g the dreamlike Red De dairies episode :Ew roughest." soothed and weightless you pee I the dragon hole. e dog why are fall hitting your pen eyes midstream you have he thought you have to finish Roshe fly to newer the doorbell for the Meals on Egeels get.........bot you don;t, it; sDtrpdyay...

Morrissey: I had the velvet pie bot I wanted to rock out Ile oh my amrr. ilmnejalpus of songwriters, they go on y shot list. IPM the spokesman for Nalefactior Vitamons.

Scarlett Jihansson: I am really FSDED with y workable in Ghost sword. that was either what the chapter called for didn't; neat to be there or o was too young to  acting serious stuff...

System goyanL Rome,mebr, there is no kore sensualo feeling than waiting rice with our fingers.

Strainer Khan Joan l more sensual than nutty sex.

GTA k oxl I played tiebrt Fdrpmv in the l80s for a local NYC they're production of rox h VCta what my fiend Jim Henson.

I'm hensonL I made all the fritz the ta Mupepts I was trying to get back I'm the good acres of SNL doing that hardcore stiff again...

Enid and Steve Buscemi are clothed on Steve's bed in Ghost World.

Enid: don't you like me?

Enid and Steve Buscemi are naked in Steve's bed.

Steve Buscemi: we do make a cute couple. two lost souls who like weird art. let me just see here, half my age plus seven...

we walk back to my house.

me: obviously i'm a loser who has no car.

Liza: you see that Bank of America sign up ahead? i think about you walking past it each day. that's a total fucking blind turn!!! the wild speeding cars of our parking lot just turn around that corner and could ram into you without them even knowing!!! they'd still be listening to their godawful talk radio. Back of America sucks.

me: it used to be cool when i as a toddler played on their LONG green carpet under a TALL 3-story window while my folks were trying to get a loan. 

Liza: Chase sucks more.

me: you see my backyard?

Liza: the lawn is so pristine and level.

me: used to be full of sharp-angled crabgrass. there were weeds shooting up like bamboo totems which is the type of plant i would be if i were a plant: a weed totem. but my gardener Super Mario cut them all down to prepare for summer.

Liza: that's too bad, all that symbolism gone. and i look like Barbara Walters :) 

Liza: i brought two Sprite Pints for the occasion.

me: Mexican Sprite?

Liza: i work at Safeway, not Erewhon. we only make $38,000 a day.

we sit by the TV in the living room. it's Inside the NBA after the Knicks win.

Liza, smiling: i haven't had sex in 50 years!!!

me, smiling: me neither. 

Kenny the Jet Smith dropkicks Shaquille O'Neal out of the studio across the Five Boroughs.

Ernie: what the fuck was that, Kenny? i've never seen you like this before.

Kenny: i don't know what came over me.

Charles Barkley: i blame the street meat. New York fans are annoying but the street meat is worse. jeezus, remind me never to get on your bad side.

Kenny: i don't get mad at anything. i'm always joking around. i wanted to see what it felt like to get kicked off a show for paying a hooker.