THE PRIEST IS THE MAYOR: MAGNETIC WEDDING SPOONS

 

at the wedding at the grey castle, 100 guests crowd onto the observation deck below the turret where the wood table is crammed. genuine Italian Wedding Soup is served. along with the milk from an almond as an elixir.

the parson: i can't believe you agreed to marry me.

the king's daughter: the blacksmith tried to woo me but it was an obvious naked power grab.

Merlin: everyone in Medieval times is always naked.

king's daughter: i'm the only woman in the village who doesn't find the blacksmith attractive. i'm a lesbian.

Merlin: what's that? i thought at my advanced age i had seen it all.

king's daughter: i am very much a modern woman. do you know why a woman doesn't tell a man to his face that he's handsome? because we don't want to be perceived as shallow. women must have the utmost moral rectitude.

Merlin: okay i know that one, that's anal.

king's daughter: we must look at a person's character, that is all. otherwise we're no different from that old crone of an egg-seller downvillage who needs a chastity belt.

Merlin: she lives on a one-acre square of farm alone. fenced out from the nobles. and she is my wife. no magic can collapse the patriarchy.

pickle chips: potato chips that are pickle-flavored or 1/8 of a whole dill pickle?

Ted Turner: TBS, right? just have your own cable channel, makes things easier. we won the America's Cup but it turns out boating was just a '70s thing...

Gilligan: maybe if i had won it instead of you...

Ted Turner: where were the white liberals?!!! why was it only me and Phil Donahue?!!! 

Phil Donahue: i had a secret passion for adult cartoons.

Ted: the Soviet Union were our friends, they liked the Goodwill Games and Head of the Class. and the movie WarGames. the Olympics are corrupt. 24/7 is cool, but the internet is gonna SUCK.

Jane Fonda: Ted Turner was ELO...

Ted: Richard Dreyfuss to play me?

Jane: and Jane Fonda to play me.

Pope Bob: fuck these banks and their service fees. i'm keeping my John Paul II lira deep under the Vatican. i'd turn the tables of those moneychangers like Jesus but they're ping-pong tables...

Pope Bob: when am i hosting SNL?

Lorne Michaels: we got the Chicago connection. who's the musical guest?

Pope Bob: the Vienna Boys' Choir.

Lorne: always problematic.

flight attendant: i got hantavirus from you?

Chuck E. Cheese: sorry. this plane is small.

flight attendant: but it requires PROLONGED exposure to someone.

Chuck E. Cheese: we fucked in the mousehole of the bathroom cabin, remember? 

flight attendant: that's right, we were flying over the Andes mountains as we snacked on tiny chocolate mints...

Barney Frank in hospice care: i'll be straight with you, this whole life thing, i just don't know...

Barney Frank: the country? the country was lost the moment i entered hospice care...

cozy mystery: no knives, no guns, the murder victim dies in a granary...

Lucy Lawless: death will not send you into a lesbian spiral on your way down to Tartarus.

Cecily Strong: i give up, America wants Jost and Che the way America wants Stephen A. Smith and Skip Bayless...

Molly Sanborn: look at my face, you'd think i would have reviewed Veruca Salt by now...

the blacksmith from the height of the turret unsheathes his silver sword.

blacksmith: which is a GIANT ROD of a magnet.

he lowers it in the air above the wedding table. the feast stays but all the guests' spoons fly up in the air as if by magic and attach to the sword.

the parson stands up on the wedding table.

parson: SEE?!!! you see this, village?!!! the mayor is trying to STEAL your hard-earned silver, all the silver in the land, and hoard it for himself!!!

blacksmith: i have a hoarding problem? this is the first Medieval horde!!! let's make a deal, no more taxes...

king's daughter: release daddy at once!!! or i won't tell you the location of Excalibur. clue: i have to put on my mermaid tail and lake gauntlet to retrieve it...

blacksmith: fine. allright. oll korrect. i seem to like swords a lot. i've never been married. doesn't matter i'm gonna die soon.

the king, who is one foot tall, comes out of the dungeon under the wedding table. NOT wearing the crown...

the king: see? having spoons be magnetic is problematic. make them out of stainless steel, not metal, in the future. for just this reason, you're eating your nice walnut wedding salad and suddenly your spoon is flying to the nearest pole. but change the spoons back to magnetic for one day when you drop a spoon in the lint trap of your dryer...

parson: and that is why YOU are king. i don't want to be in a leadership position, too much work.