* all i want to do is write, act in, direct, and edit one of those obscure foreign-language shorts that Oscar recognizes each year that no one sees or can find except in some indie film festival on a volcanic island. my life will then be complete.
* remember when you couldn't watch all of the E! channel's after-Oscar party cos there would always be a new Robot Chicken at 11?
* Glenn Close: i look like Meryl Streep. but, yeah, i guess that's it.
* greatest moment of the night: Meryl Streep eating a Junior Mint.
* Casey Affleck: party at Pratty's! i'm buying! i can afford it now! you coming, Denzel?
Denzel Washington: now you listen to me very closely, young man. i'm giving you this life advice freely cos i respect actors. you turn around, you go to the homeless shelter, you get yourself a haircut and a job, and i never want to hear your ragamuffin transient thief ass speak to me again.
* Kimmel: we don't discriminate in Hollywood based on your country of origin. we discriminate based on your age and weight.
Madonna: i will have my revenge. i'm eating a donut.
* Kimmel: hello, Trump's twitter?
voice: hello? who dis?
Kimmel: who dis?
voice: the babysitter...
* Gael Garcia Bernal for President. and also President of Mexico. i still remember when he said he was against the war in Iraq all those years ago on another award show.
* Kimmel: what do you give the stars? the stars. coming down on our celebrities are little parachutes carrying drones...
* next year, all the Oscars will be sent online. if you receive a square red notification in your inbox, you've won.
* dude from Chicago unfazed by the glitz and glamour, he's from Chicago, he knows what's up.
* the Rock: *flexing* you'll have to get through this Wall...
* Kimmel: you taped up your boobs for nothing. our patter writer Bruce Vilanch taped up his boobs for this and wrote that last joke.
* John Legend: man i want to sing my music, not this corny-ass song...
* Lin-Manuel: hey kid, you're cute and everything but step aside and let a legend take over...
Moana: why are all the flags behind me emblazoned with the instagram globe emoji?
* Sting: you had one job. where's my chair?
intern: i thought it was supposed to be an empty chair.
* Mahershala Ali: now everyone will know my name, and spell it correctly.
* Mahershala: see what happens when you cancel good sci-fi? you can't keep us down. bring back The 4400!
* Emma Stone: i told my parents i had an FYP, five-year-plan. if it didn't work out in Hollywood i would concede and come back home to waitress. but it worked. i'm here on this stage at this moment.
Ryan Gosling begins to cry.
Emma: ladies and gentlemen, my secret boyfriend Ryan Gosling!
Ryan: i'm not crying cos i'm happy for you. i'm crying cos i always cry after sex.
Emma: and you'll be crying for something else later on tonight.
* Viola Davis: why are you crying, Denzel? i know my speech was intense.
Denzel: i'm happy for you, Viola. but i got robbed...
* Seth Rogen: Back to the Future is a greater film than Citizen Kane.
Michael J. Fox: why'd you have to say that, man? i don't want to be associated with you in any way.
* Matt Damon: i liked the performance i gave in that movie about the zoo.
Ben Affleck: really? *smirk*
Matt Damon: you know i have means. i have money. i could lock you up in my own private zoo in the Hollywood Hills and no one would ever know.
* Kimmel: what did you do, Warren?!
Warren Beatty: dude it's not my fault! it's Faye Dunaway's fault!
Faye Dunaway: how could you sell me out like that? you're impossible. i'm the Bonnie to your Clyde. is this cos of Madonna?
Warren: sorry babe, but Madonna said i was her best lover.
Madonna: heehee, told ya.
* Kimmel: i blame Steve Harvey.
Steve Harvey: *from Trump Tower* yeah that'll teach you to use envelopes in the digital age. now where's that drone joystick?
* security: hey you! no children under 13 allowed back here.
Chazelle: but i just won the Best Director Oscar.
* Kimmel: it was staged. it was all staged. i'm known for pranks. the PWC guy is Matt Damon.
PWC guy: i am not Matt Damon. Matt Damon is keeping me enslaved in his zoo. help me. somebody help me.
* that's my life motto: "well we didn't win but anyway..."
1. which one of the following do you need increased privacy? a) online interaction (search/website) b) sex c) drinking/drugging d) work
the first time you log on and play your first game of Solitaire on your personal computer it's over. they got you. you will never know privacy in your life again.
2. what decade in your life were you happiest with your sex life? why? teens/20s/30s/40s
teens: race to adulthood, 20s: the race is long and you don't have the right shoes, 30s: you want to go back but you're too far along the marathon, 40s: it's not a race, it's a destination.
3. what is the sexiest show you've watched in the past year? why so sexy?The Young Pope. the reason is in the title.
4. which sex scene from a movie would you like to recreate? Tim and Eric's Billion Dollar Movie. watch it. watch the whole thing. no spoilers.
5. your sex life is to become a reality series. which of the following titles fits best? a) Too Big To Fail b) Years of Solitude c) A Visual Guide for the Perplexed d) Yes Please, Anytime and Anywhere
Years of Solitude. penises can get dry, too. mine is filled with arid sand. i thought my Survivor experience was gonna be eating a few bugs and falling in love with Jeff Probst.
bonus: the late phoenix would like to know your family's secret recipes cos he's hungry and thirsty all the time. please share:
* director: Redd, you're on! stop yawning.
Redd Foxx: i'm getting too old for this shit. uh, i was imitating the MGM Lion.
* woman on bus: father, do you forgive me?
priest on bus: wanna fuck? this is a getup they sell on the boulevard.
* roommate: this is L.A., not Louisiana. don't fall asleep again, old man, we're going out on the town!
Redd: don't you touch my cigar!
roommate: admit it, you don't want to hang out with me cos you disapprove of my lifestyle.
Redd: no, it's cos you a big dummy.
* Redd: let's get this straight...
roommate: very funny. speaking of very funny, Madame's performing!
Redd: okay a strip club now you're talking.
* Madame comes out of the curtain.
Redd: great googley moogley i hate you right now. you into this puppet shit?
roommate: all Los Angeles psychiatrists are required to make their patients play with puppets.
* Redd: i can see your mouth move, fuck you!
Madame: best offer i've had all day.
the audience cheers.
* Redd: this is the big one!
Wayland Flowers: earthquake?
Madame: heart attack?
roommate: you're gay?
Redd: no i gotta take a shit, where's the can?
* Redd: hey Madame, that cigarette you're smoking is dangerous, you could catch fire, unlike your jokes. who writes your patter, Jim Henson? here, put your cigarette out and suck on my cigar.
roommate: i really hate when you drink.
* Madame: i went as my favorite fetish...
Redd: watch it, sucka. don't you dare say that one.
* Madame: i threw up in the back of the cab. hors d'oeuvres and scotch. apparently that's how they make scotch eggs.
* Redd: slut!
Madame: *fist in the air* i'm a liberated woman. you can't handle me. women's lib!
Redd: you remind me of my wife. both of you are fish-eyed fools.
* Madame: if he dies, he dies.
roommate: that's me she's talking about. i thought we had something special, Madame.
* Madame: i wear a turban for my long hair...
Redd: what a time to be alive.
* Madame: hey, stop banging my head against the piano! what's wrong with you?
Wayland: are you cheating on me with Peter Griffin?
* Madame: i decided to be an interior decorator..........so i could be all three.
Redd: my mom was an interior decorator, you calling her a hooker?
Madame: yes. that's how you were born.
Redd: my mom was also an actress.
Madame: no she wasn't, i saw her off-off-Broadway, she was terrible.
* Madame: *singing* i fall in love too easily, i fall in love too fast..........
Madame: hey Redd, that red drink you're drinking? it's a love potion....
* man: the clap?
woman: no, the clapper. the lights are turning off.
man: phew.
* Madame: you look down.
Wayland: oh i was thinking about what my mother always told me. she said if i continue with this puppet shit i'll only lead a life of lonely sadness.
Madame: you're no fun. at least with Bea Arthur we could fantasize about Rock Hudson together.
happy weekend. the only thing i want to have happen this weekend is that i don't eat beans straight from the can as i watch the Oscars like last year. i want the winner on Oscar Night to be me. my life's gotta improve as the years go on, right?
the KGB thug says as he welcomes Bump and a melancholic Melania to Saint Basil's Cathedral for an end-of-holiday russian party.
Vlad: i am KGB thug, yes? that's why i'm leader. you are extraordinary, Mickey Bump, tho. you come from nothing, thus your style is unimpeachable. politics is a numbers game, you must get more on your side, except when it is a game of one person. there is no more earth to scorch, you burned it all. even Destroyer gods won't touch this place. Beerus left long ago tho Whis remains for the food. you single-handedly took down a country of utmost strength, tradition, and legacy, a universal marker, built up for generations, paid for with hysterical blood and historical treasure. but mostly nobility and righteousness which are harder to wash off white shorts. this grand experiment which succeeded one-third more than failed, proved a viable alternative to lazy dominance and inevitable overthrow. enemies out in the open who didn't need to be poisoned. from that first shot heard round the world, which when i was a child was told landed in Lenin's mouth and he ate the cannonball like a meatball. you showed us that big countries couldn't be led by small countries. that fit into the Russian narrative just fine. i mean you took down the three branches and the Abrahamic pillars of government, the Abrahamic Lincoln pillars. the Illuminati were scared of you and disbanded for fear you'd blurt out their secret location at a kindergarten photo-op. you destroyed America, the last hope on earth. and now i am stuck looking at faces of doughy fat and smug smirks and choirboy haircuts on my screen. you guys' consultants really have the worst faces. that is quite the feat, sir, quite the accomplishment. please, tomorrow Hell, but tonight we dine on herring over an open red fire.
tagging along is Musculo who gorges himself on the spread with little regard for spreads like miracle whip or cool whip, swallowing the monterey chicken whole, stirring the no-stir peanut butter cos he hates authority, getting the pizzelle stuck between his teeth.
Smirnoff and Maria the tennis player greet the honored esteemed guests by the gilded double doors.
Bump: the vodka?
Smirnoff: no the comic. but we both are old.
Bump: i'll meet you in my room later, my dear, hope you don't mind.
Maria: was that directed at me or your wife?
Willie Lumpkin is invited to deliver the mail, such as mail is in Russia.
Maria: i'm afraid the pietraluce is out of order so we'll just have to go with the communal tub.
which is draped in porcelain horses and ivory molds of Vlad's chest everywhere. the whole cavernous tub reeks of vanilla not aged in a good way. everyone disrobes, Bump quickest, Maria clumsiest, not Willie. but Bump is called away right as Maria drops a red-with-pink-and-green-flower-buds bath bomb in the water. Melania has not moved from the front door of the palace.
Maria: drat. the fumes are already forming.
indeed the bath bomb dissolves rather rapidly infusing the air with lavender and lace and whatever else masked in fragrance is in there. the water is deep red and all the participants dive in for different reasons and sigh heavily.
Willie wears a boilersuit.
Willie: ahhhh. deep dive for me. psst, i'm really Stan.
Maria: the Eminem song?
Willie: no the comic. the comic guy. first time i'm playing a character i created. deep undercover. for the red white and blue. like Captain America, who i created i think it's been so long.
Maria: everyone get in, the water's fine. dip your toes. not you, Smirnoff.
Smirnoff frowns and unscrews a vodka cap in his ass. he gets ready to pucker his lips to drink. he's thirsty as fuck.
Maria: fine. tell me a joke.
Smirnoff: in mother russia we bathe in the milk we drink. that isn't a joke.
Maria: fine i'll let you watch. but no cameras.
Smirnoff: but this is russia. why do i ache so bad?
Maria: cos this is achewater.
Maria gets on her knees and dunks her head in the red water. she twirls around and drops her legs to reveal her vagina and open-airs that bushy puppy out.
Vlad: careful. from this angle it looks like ritualistic suicide.
Maria: oh hello! *sits up* well i at least got you, Vladdy the baddie. where did you come from?
Vlad: check the flashforward. i have a private bath. i just came from bathing in milk. i sent that milk to the one bottler in the country. now open that pretty mouth wide.
Maria dutifully opens her mouth to receive the royal sperm but not without watery eyes. she spits out Vlad's cum like a stone angel spitting fountain water.
Vlad: uh uh uh, save a drop for Bump and we'll call it even. snowball, a real man's negotiation. perfect for frozen russia! call him to my chambers, he's missing in action.
Maria: yessir.
as all the load dribbles out.
Vlad: ah, Bump, where is your lovely wife? she has strong features that one, cheekbones that can crush cans of rancid tuna, i can relate.
Bump: where is it?
Vlad: sorry?
Bump: yes you are. picking on a kid. you had this planned from the start. from my birth. it was embryonic and evil. you ruskies sure are patient.
Vlad: we literally have nothing to do all day in our big country but drink and wait.
Bump: where is the red handball? that's why i did everything. that's why i'm beholden to you. that's why i was compromised.
Vlad: i'm afraid...
Bump: you should be. why are you wearing a China pin? why is there a China flag draped in the back of you above the fireplace?
Vlad: was doing some flagburning earlier...
Bump: i'm not as dumb as people think. i went to college. it's just i could never erase this accent.
Bump lunges for the furskin rug in the back. it is the flag of China with the red circle in the middle. Bump tries to dislodge the red circle which is in fact his red ball but his hands aren't up to the task.
Vlad: *fiddling his stubby fingers* heehee, you know what they say about men with small hands, Mr. Bump?
Bump smacks Vlad in the back of the head rendering Vlad unconscious.
Bump: yeah. yous don't see them coming when they smack yous in the back of the head! i'm not a Destroyer god but i work for one.
Bump takes the ball and skedaddles but not before an errant ash from the fireplace lands on his golden fake hair and burns it all down. he bounces the ball out the cathedral.
Bump: wherever you are, Melania, i'll call you from the hotel!
Maria and Smirnoff are slipping on the ornate bathtub slathered in pink chips.
Stan: i'm not cos i always bring my suction-cup yoga mat with me. that's how i stay so young. those yoga instructors whip me into shape. they use whips. you need to dry off, young lady, you are a vision standing before me stark naked and dripping wet.
Maria: but you're the one who's all wet in the center of your pants.
Maria takes the last drop of cum, curls it to the bottom tip of her tongue, and flicks it into a small vial she kept hidden in her ear canal.
Stan: stored. that's very Aeon Flux of you. i like her design.
Maria: gambit. svet. maria. i win.
Stan: *shaking hands* what are you gonna do with that love juice? use it to create and harvest a race of alien supersoldiers which will invade earth and take down the kremlin? like i did in my critically-acclaimed limited series for the Fantastic Four back when i had hair?
Maria: even better. i'll use his sperm to make a child! have it in America where the courts still matter. Vlad will have to pay exorbitant Los Angeles/New York child-support whether he wants to or not! now who's the west coast/east coast of the world? that is a trap he will never get out of! i'll have him by the ball. let the bidding begin. my bidding.
Stan: you women are devious. better hurry and catch a flight before Bump lands back in america for his court date. hey what happened to your accent?
Maria: it's me, Maria the tennis player. i never really had an accent. i've basically always been American. don't you recognize me? it's me, the double agent. the Major. Tomb Raider. Aeon Flux? Black Widow? it's me, Scarlett Johansson!
Stan: can you sign this Sports Illustrated: The Body Issue calendar of you?
Scarlett: there's no time. even for a legend it's still creepy when it's an old man asking.
Stan: *shaking hand* oh and since Putin is vanquished i guess we won't have time for Plan B. i was gonna deliver this anthrax letter to him...
Scarlett: whoa whoa watch where you wave that thing!
Stan: they said send it to the house with the purple onions on top. i eat a lot of purple onions, that's how i stay so young. makes me virile. i can't use it cos my breath stinks but i'm never gonna die!
Bump loads cases and cases of suitcases he had on his private plane in place of the riding press corps with russian money. the bills sparkle and shimmer and stain Bump's newly-manicured fingers and slowly disintegrate into steam.
Bump: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO but i still have my health. my doctor says i'm the best.
the steam comes out of the red water of the russian bath and slowly settles on the scum surface. it turns into the
Superman: i physically am unable. what's eating you? want some grapes?
SpaceX: i don't eat. i don't want them experimenting on me, turning me into a war machine for their nefarious needs.
Superman: i feel you but it's good to be needed. believe me. the ends justify the means. that's why i killed Lex Luthor.
SpaceX: um, no offense but can you send Goku over? i think i relate to him more being a young boy.
Superman: *supersigh* i know, i sound like my father. even though i never knew my father.
Harfi is the drone of the castle. she buzzes like a bee to an emerging scene of vital importance. Musculo is waving a knife ready to plunge at something. immediately in front of him is Madchen enjoying supper boredly with a tin serving tray in her fingers. Harfi rolls the tape forward. Musculo moves the knife towards the queen! political assassination! but upon further inspection he was going for that juicy cut of wagyu beef on the tray, trying to get it before Madchen can, he is hungry as fuck. besides Madchen would have just blocked the shot with her tray shield anyway.
Harfi: drat.
Harfi shoots first and asks questions later. so she fires before watching the whole film. the laser richochets off the tray and makes a beeline straight through the palace doors into the Wandering Wave outside.
________________
the laser shot bounces off the hard water layer of the Wandering Wave and into Harry's face, shattering the soldier's countenance. Carmen is in tears dragging his body back to the castle.
Madchen: now you made me cry. the first casualty of war. why'd it have to be his face?
Harry: i'm not the first. are you sure you're only saying that cos i look like your son?
Madchen: forgive me if i don't get as choked up the next time.
Carmen: is there anything we can do?
Madchen: no, it's canon. it will happen no matter how many times we rewind the tape. we've been over this billions and billions. this scenario has been going on for millennia, it holds the gluey universe together, keeps it from skidding off its axis. no matter what we do, the Wandering Wave eventually drowns us all. insidious inevitability. repeating redux reflux. acid, the bad kind, not the drug. why is there a nagging gnaw in my stomach? if there was only some way to break the curse, to make a lasting change, to change it. hear me, gods? where are ye? we are here.
if there was some way to fast-forward...
the cats race towards Carmen's wet arms. she gives them the last of her treats and some Ramsay bacon but increasingly the cats don't want such things anymore. they would rather hold to their stake-out pose when presented with candy or nature's candy. the cats sniff the Rosewater, dip their paws, and lick.
Carmen: you are getting older. and wiser. that's the last of our rations. i love when you do that. i love when you embrace me. come, let us embrace our future together.
Starscream tranforms into a ball.
Starscream: fresh intel. the last battles of this war are nigh. the final campaigns are at Lake Bled, Blue Grotto, and Peyto Lake. get in the zone and protect the zones! this message will self-destruct in twenty seconds.
Herlina: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO i don't have my health!
Starscream: i mean twenty aeons. plenty more material for comics. backstories and such. spin-off sidestories even. like the two of us. didn't mean to scare you, honey oil.
the cats: come on, mama, don't cry, we hate being wet.
the cats roll up as Carmen bunches up her slick sleeves.
Carmen: i'm not crying. i'm wet. i've been out in the battlefield. among the blue zones. the lakes. the tributaries. the water. the Wave. i was inspired today once again by a celebrity. that Angelina Jolie really spoke to me. i am a great admirer of her body. her chest breathed not a discouraging word and filled my lungs with hope.
Madchen sits up and takes the knife from out of Musculo's hand and the silver tray from out of Madchen's trapped fingers.
Madchen: whatever. i'm not taking this lying down. i will join you brave women in the field. that's where the action is. that's where the answer is. where the mystery deepens and is solved. i won't stand back i will sit up. i won't idle while my family dies. my girls and my boy. Scarlett did her part, her flowing hair in curls and framed by glasses with roses to the one side and the sun to the other, holding an actor's cigarette away from the black chips in her neck. the army grows, the march continues. i won't be on the sidelines this time. put me in coach, i'm lathered.
Madchen walks outside and looks up to the all-day cloudy sky.
Madchen: our heavenly bodies. there are more heavenly bodies. 7 more exoplanets just today. seventh heaven. a heavenly body will end this before our bodies can react.
this is bad. it's raining. it's raining in California. a wire snapped and is hanging out like a snake in front of my home, wrapping its tendrils around my mailbox, blocking me from getting today's mail. i have, uh, important packages i'm awaiting. the fireman, with a winning smile, says my neighbor next door will be without cable tv for a while. i feel so sorry for my neighbor, he's gonna miss the debut of the Cloudy with a Chance of Meatballs show.
1. i am too busy to_______instagram. my head has admitted this but my heart is in denial. 2. last week i didn't do TMIT because________perish the thought. i want to do this forever. though i must concede that there may come a week when i need to get my computer fixed. another head/heart thing. 3. last week's TMI Tuesday's _______ were __________ group of people were the best. i love my TMIT family! especially the regulars. but we're always looking for new faces! 4. ___________depends on dreams. writing for television and/or a webcomic. i think now i've determined that i was born to write a webcomic. 5. virgin_______just means unlucky. don't be ashamed, you'll find yours in time. it's probably a good idea to have sex cos you don't want to end up a sacrifice. the locals here are touchy about their gods.
bonus: the more you learn the more you know, the more you know the more you forget. the more you forget the less you know. so why bother to learn? agree? disagree? thoughts?
* hear that crunching sound? let's just say Pops is a cannibal
* when you're a celebrity but still crave attention
* the waiter is a failed actor, his anger is justified. he thought Wolfgang Puck would be serving him by now.
* DO NOT EAT ANYTHING IN CALIFORNIA
* waiters don't care what percentage it is, the only thing they're trying to avoid is the penny tip.
* waiter: is this some kind of joke?
Pops: hopefully. i'm thinking shorts, a film, and 8 seasons with the last season of course being in space.
* waiter: when you said "candy" i thought you meant cocaine.
* Butters: i'll take that butterscotch.
* manager: what's going on here? i'm in the same position as the waiter but with less of a chance cos i don't look like Salvador Dali.
* there are no vile cads. all cads are roguishly charming.
* this show dealt with some serious topics early on.
* giant chef: he's not finished talking to you yet.
Pops: do you know who i am?
giant chef: a fancy boy with a lollipop for a head?
Pops: that's not a lollipop, it's a heavenly body. i am the very embodiment of good in the universe.
giant chef: so what?
Pops: wait, i got a flying car!
giant chef: oh you got a car, now you're speaking my language. show me..............are you making fun of me? you know i can't fit in that car!
* Pops: let me just get my bill-fold--------------ing chair!
* Pops: wait! why are you hurting me?! i thought wrestling was fake!
* Pops: why are you not a raccoon?
Benson: sir?
* Benson: what did they make you do, sir?
Pops: they said i couldn't eat unless i cut down some trees.
* Pops: goodbye, United States, i hope one day we become friends.
the flying car flies over the Mexican wall.
the chill in the air is slightly more so, it bites Musculo in the neck with the force of an awkwardly long and strenuous handshake. he knows something's up.
Musculo: thank you for meeting me in the dessert. uh, desert. i'm famished.
Codrus: i'm nothing if not cinematic. i see you've made a home for yourself here. spoilers: this isn't really a place, y'know. it fades in and out. i just don't want you to stake roots here and get disappointed.
Musculo: you wanted to see me?
Codrus makes a point to unsheathe his glove and show his squire his five fingers. he stretches them out and makes them into spider shapes as if he's squeezing breasts.
Codrus: the time is nigh.......oooh i've ALWAYS wanted to say that! these are the final five minutes. you've experienced these final five minutes. the difference is this time all the timelines have converged and are thus dead. they were unable to leave the nest. failure to launch into space. thus this is the final five minutes. from now on you take your cues from me. i shall scream the plan to you directly into your ear canal, so loud its reverb is silent and only you can hear it in your head. hopefully it doesn't go over your head.
Musculo: like the Fast Five.
Codrus: in your case, yes. in my case it's the Furious Five.
Musculo: i'm ready. i think.
Codrus: no. if you were ready you'd be dead. this requires painstaking precision. you have to attack her at just the right moment in time for the heavens to align, which i will control. take off that stupid Apple watch. go jump in a lake and casually unfasten your watch while under said lake. i want you refreshed. you've had timers before but not me. never in human history. i shall be your time now. for i set time. i don't tell time, i am time. the sun uses me as a dial.
Musculo: you are so fortunate...to have such a delightful mother.
Codrus: right. i think i may have been adopted but no matter. remember who you are. but more importantly where you are. recognize the coordinates. know where you stand on the map of the universe. always notice yourself in your surroundings. use your internal compass. see that tellicherry tree? use this corbeil i give you to nail your mark there.
Musculo: *noses the bouquet* aw, boss, they smell wonderful. i've never received flowers before from anyone. not even my mom.
Codrus: yeah take this basket. it's a gift. you're in a basket with the rest of 'em. don't lose that basket! there are still a billion calculations to be made. i have a team of experts over at wikipedia working on it for me. i have final edit but i let them think they have power. i have a lot of work to do, be grateful you can afford to be lazy. but it all depends on you to make the final shot. you want to be Curry or Klay?
Musculo: Durant.
Codrus: let me take one last sniff of this place. *deep-state inhale* ahhhhhhhhhhhh. County Clare. so green and so white.
________________________
at the Westminster Dog Show an historic best-in-show is about to be announced. Harfi, now the Eefus, is in the crowd sucking on an icecube and a sugarcube and washing it down with a complimentary cup of hay. and mud for dessert. the former Eefus looks rested now that she's off the job. her face is tan and wet from waterskiing and her hooves have never looked more tone.
Harfi: so you're just a cow now.
Eefus: goat. you look rested.
Harfi: i'm not comfortable with it yet but there comes a point when you can't complain in as vociferous a manner. time sees to that.
there's always a puffball at these things, a dog so hairy and short you can't see its face or feet. they have an unfair advantage. but this year an unlikely hero is emerging, a police pooch who helps people and isn't just cute. and then there's the javelina who makes a brown mess on the green carpet wherever he goes. the javelina gets Reserve Best In Show.
javelina: *in a Mexican accent* is this thing on? hello. i'd just like to say: fuck Mickey Bump.
Wolf: and the Westminster winner this year is............Rumor the German Shepherd! first GS since 1987! back then i had no beard. he hits a grand slam outta the park! oh it's a she. don't worry, i'm a wolf but i won't eat you. well maybe the Irish-Setter handler. always good to have a gundog around. and that corgi who's too cute for words.
_______________
at the castle watching from the overhead drone painted in royal purple:
Madchen: oh i wanted the Gordon Setter to win.
Gordon Ramsay: you rang, ma'am.
Madchen: good boy! good dog. you were saying, Starscream?
Starscream: this royal abode is patterned after the famous Pena Palace back on Earth.
Gordon: isn't pena spanish for pain?
Madchen: now i should know that. any other vital intel?
Starscream shakes his head, which unlike humans makes a robotic noise.
Madchen: so that's it huh. so what did we learn today from this episode? the Aquamarine comes from the Crystal Caves and my indoor pool is based on an infinity pool at Krabi. shame they don't make Krabby Patties anymore. i suppose this earns you some oil. thing is, humans don't have any black drinks.
Starscream: i'll take a Coke. my mouth is parched.
Madchen: next. my schedule has had to be staggered. staggering schedule. next. oh, Galynn how are you? *soft handshake* may i call you Patricia? Pattie? Krabby Patty?
Galynn Patricia Brady: no.
Madchen: i'm so happy for your son's victory. that game made me pee five times. but y'know it happened so long ago i seem to have forgotten all about it. it's like it was never played. like football doesn't exist anymore. just feet.
Galynn Brady: hanging in there. you promised i'd survive, right? that's why i came out all this way. you have a secret doctor bunked in here or something?
Madchen: Lysander and i are just friends. no, honey, it's curtains for us all. but please feel free to unfasten and take down the castle curtains with you when you go, i've been wanting to dump those eyesores for weeks. whose bright idea was it to have gold curtains draping the seat of power? adorn with porn i always say. more naked statues of goddesses.
______________
after all the hubbub and exciting claps which seem to last for hours but really only last a few seconds, Rumor finds his bearings again, bites off his leash, and runs over, jumps the railing, and lands on Harfi's lap.
Rumor: my liegess
Harfi: oh yeah. still not used to that. i'm not sleeping with you.
Rumor: i'm female, remember. god i'm really getting sick of that.
Harfi: oh...right...i just naturally assumed...you were gay. they treat you good? you eating enough?
Rumor: too much. this kibble is muder on my thighs. i can't complain but i was looking at a photo of my ancestor the other day and he looks so different. he has a slimmer body and just looks more proportioned and noble. i'm a flabby fatass with an oversize head and no tails and a fifth skinny leg for a penis. it looks like i take steroids but i swear i compete clean.
Harfi: i can get you a urine sample. there's dog pee all over this place.
Rumor: i appreciate the smell of grass in this yard. but that's it. *sigh* i dunno. things will never be the same. you can't go back. once it's ruined. more and more i want to be human. again.
Eefus: i was human once. am i allowed to talk? thanks. i beseech you. test of my ladder. spoke of my wheel spoken that year. terrible experience. not pleasant.
Rumor: they're not that bad. they mean well. they're actually trying it's just the world is too far gone. fucked up from the start. screwed the pooch. and they come on the rainbow bridge seeking another world but the universe is fucked up.
Harfi: Lady Rumor, please. language. you're a lady.
Rumor: i'm more of a broad. i'm a cop. i eat a lot of doggie donuts. all i'm saying is that humans are our last best hope. the other races look up to them. they admire that they never give up despite the odds. they welcome mistakes as lessons they grow from. they are capable of growth. in fact all of your geniuses were once humiliated so badly they were on the edge of suicide. that's the thing. they want to die so badly, they wish to die, they curse their very existence, but they don't, they get out of bed. i don't have a doggie bed anymore since i started training. i sleep in my master's bed.
not like the other alien races out here who are fully-formed big brains who can literally wish themselves dead they're that intelligent. or they're big dicks.
Harfi looks through the lens of the drone fluttering by them. she sees the inside of the castle and.................Hartwin!.......and she gasps and holds her stomachs.
___________________
Codrus: you hear that? those Thom Yorke strains. they haunt me...
___________________
Hartwin: hello mother. hello from the other side. i hope you are doing well.
Madchen has fallen on her throne and speaks not, continuously crying into her lap.
Hartwin: bitch you're queen! i'd say so! YAAAAS QUEEN
Madchen looks up into the light.
Madchen: i know you are not my son. you are a deputy ensign who is the spitting image. but i'm afraid we all have to go to war. we all must do our part. there's no escaping this life. i've learned my lesson. i won't talk you out of it this time.
Hartwin: you know why i served. it's cos i had to. i didn't want to. but everyone makes sacrifices for being human.
Madchen: *wiping away her tears on her gown* yes. some are forced to. every time we laugh in the present we pay for it later. the water builds up on a future bank.
Hartwin approaches the royal see but her eyes are closed. he opens them with his fingers and smiles strangely. Hartwin licks the tears off his mother's cheeks and hugs her so hard her chest bursts. with love. there is such force in his forcefulness. he takes a long whiff of her cleavage and rests his head on her bosom. he grazes the top of her breasts and takes a quick touch of her underboob and a slight nipple-rub before departing with a bow.
outside, Hartwin with a golden poof transforms into Carmen. the cats come out of the bushes.
Carmen: sorry but i was curious. you think she appreciated that?
the cats: not the workplace harassment but certainly seeing her son one last time. that had to hurt.
Carmen: i'm not good with women. yes but it's another battle scar. farewell.
the cats decide to keep walking with Carmen up the orange hill toward the sun.
Carmen: can you do me a favor? i know you go by many names but you were once my brother's cats Trinity and Talia. may i call you that again? i would have named my children Trinity and Talia.
Trinity: weird name for a boy. he a god?
Carmen: to me he was.
the cats look at each other with the shit-eating-grin cat emoji as their facial expressions and silently nod. the two cats curl up into two fluffballs and jump inside Carmen's war jacket and stick themselves directly onto the cold skin of Carmen's chest where her two breasts used to be. they form Carmen's two new breasts and permanently become a part of Carmen's body.
Carmen is tearing up because it itches.
Carmen: that tickles. how are you holding on?
Trinity and Talia: milk. milk is our glue.
Carmen the soldier soldiers on. but coming down in the other direction is a soldier in pastel-green fatigues and torn brown dungarees. he looks exactly like Hartwin. tan and tall and handsome. he hides eating a chutney sandwich by covering his nose with his fingers, wiping away the crumbs from his embarrassing pencil-brush of a forming mustache. the two soldiers are strangers but look at each other and nod.
--------------------------
Harfi witnesses everything from the stands. she sees her beloved Hartwin for the first time and is stunned into shockedness. she mutters to herself:
Harfi: i wanted to be more than human. but in doing so i neglected to save humanity. i don't want to save them but there is an irresistible force drawing me to them. i can't escape who i am.
Harfi races on all fours to a clearing in the field being hurriedly picked up and dismantled to make room for the Knicks game. she lies down on her back to make sure she can't get back up. she unfastens the cap off a bottle of black drink in her pouch she was keeping for emergency thirst. the Native American potion is said to help in conjuring ghosts from the past and in preparing young souls for spirit walks.
Harfi: am i a god? no, perhaps i am still young enough. you have to help 'em so they can help themselves. you must be as a foreign entity to them to get them to react. in order to escape humanity, you have to save humanity...
she downs the drink and focuses her eye on the lens of the drone which has flown up to meet her. Harfi's eye slowly merges with the lens of the drone until the two become indistinguishable from each other...........Harfi's eye becomes the drone's lens............and the drone's eye becomes Harfi's eye......and Harfi becomes the drone.
Harfi: phase one complete. i have infiltrated the enemy base. i am inside.
Eefus: excellent, my child. you do understand. i could never tell you. you had to discover it. you have gone further than me. i turned into a Texan scientific calculator for one day and typed BOOBS on my screen and that was enough fun for me, i was out. my heart couldn't take it, i need to eat!
Harfi: you are such a comforting presence, my lady. i love having a voice in my head.
Eefus: phase two...
Harfi: phase two? what?! dammit i swear my work never FREAKIN' ends!!! what now?!
Eefus: humans. they love to dance. there's no time. you have to transfer over to the purple drone inside the castle.
Harfi: i'll end it before it begins. and save Hartwin!
1. are you "in love" with or simply compatible with your SO? (Russian) studies show that the "being in love" period usually only lasts about six months. love, compatibility, it doesn't matter. it's about finding that special someone at a run-down dive with bad lighting who you go "now here is someone i can quit blogging for."
3. if you live with your SO do you do an equal amount of chores as your SO? do you divvy the workload up evenly to avoid resentment? in the old days i'd wash and she'd dry and that's how we'd keep the relationship going. now with all this modern tech it's impossible to find love. fuck you, Kenmore!
4. is your relationship meaningful to you for companionship or is it personally fulfilling? i'm in the game for survival. i choose mates strictly for food and a house. room and board. and burgers. i don't care if you're Doris Kearns Goodwin if you don't like Bob's Burgers i'm out.
5. in general do people regard you as a couple rather than an individual? have you lost your identity since falling into a serious romantic relationship? oh is that what happens? i better stay single then. yeah i'll just be alone forever................................so like what do you do about the loneliness?...
BONUS: you are invited to a large cocktail party at a fancy country club where you know no one. when you arrive, the room where the party is being held is already half-full of people---naked people. how do you react when you enter the room? that's a Tuesday where i'm from
* oh, i finally get it! that's why it's called ampm! it's open 24 hours!
* the pencil is mightier than the porn.
* y'know all cartoons should be like this. color and linework and flow and cylinders and background art and pretty music are overrated. the rough draft is the last record of when the cartoon was pure before selling out. no more series ever again, just pilots.
* would you rather be bored or busy?
* this isn't the adult-swim version, it's the HBO version.
* Benson: no thanks, you're no James Woods.
* Halloween was never about candy. it was about apples and finding your true love.
* Benson: what's wrong with you?
Mordecai: i'm a druggie.
* Benson: acid is not safer than weed.
Mordecai: yes. but the sugar in that chocolate will kill you first.
* Benson: i wanted my first time to be under a bridge eating Cinnamon Pebbles with Cinnamon the hooker and Pebbles the hooker, not like this!
* Mordecai: if you're going through hell, keep going.
* Benson: i can eat my own balls...
* what they were saying in dolphin:
Mordecai dolphin: this is not my fault.
Benson dolphin: yes it is.
* early design for Belly Bag
* Mordecai: it's not me! it's unzipping itself!
Benson: is that your...?
Mordecai: it's a feather, it's a feather!
* Benson: we're gonna get fired.
Mordecai: man you are OBSESSED with the whole firing thing.
* nobody gets gas at 2AM...except graveyard-campers completing their dares on Halloween.
* now THAT's self-serve.
* Mordecai: wait hold on, i just thought i was a napkin dispenser, this isn't working.
* Mordecai: you're not a cop. it's obviously a Halloween costume. or i'm tripping acid.
* Benson: can you stop chewing those CornNuts so loudly, it's really annoying.
* Mordecai: *fart*
Benson: i fucking hate you.
Mordecai: don't you see the moral of the story? the cop held his fart in and he's headless now.
Madchen is starting to take longer pauses before her pronouncements which is disconcerting to all.
Madchen: rise up. oooh, sorry, i mean arise. you are a noble warrior of light, child, you have nothing to be ashamed of. wear your scars with pride, show them off to your enemies, you need not introduce yourself with your name, your foe will see your wound and silently comprehend.
Lysander comes back out in full joker jester gear complete with a hat with three sleeves with bells on the end of them.
Lysander: fascinating. your chest has no scars. no red Xs or anything. it's just a twelve-year-old boy's chest. or a twelve-year-old girl's chest. you sure you had tits at one point, right?
Madchen: excuse me...one moment, can i have some words? please, my child, stay in the light while you wait. hey Lysander, Lysander, hey doc, you make sure that jester headgear you have on fits nice and tight, to the point it starts to cut off the circulation, you need a faint break anyway.
Carmen: if i may, ma, i don't have a lot of time. i've been reading in a new spiritual book that just went online about the significance of the numeral 3. i shall perform three acts for you as my penance before i trod on to the battlefield and die.
Madchen: hey, you could win.
Lysander: wait this is madness! surely there's a better solution to life's problems than war. there has to be! what does it say if there isn't after all these years? the universe evolves, too, its caged creatures become beings of light that can see the longview and recognize the futility of the fight. my experience is in books. i read books to live. we MUST be more than smart savages!
Carmen: thank you, my friend. i know you mean well. and i'm still a sucker for weird men. you were always my favorite doctor. and you still owe me that appointment. i shall be waiting somewhere.
Lysander: i am a man and thus a jerk but my words still have import, right? shoot the messenger with laughing gas if you must, make a fool of him, but language is still serious. that's why words are written down.
Madchen: that is quite enough of that thank you. please, this is your one-and-only spotlight
Carmen: click here, right here at this link? what does that mean? i think i'm starting to hear things, the mind is starting to wander which isn't a good sign. soon all of my grandeur will turn to goo. i recognized early on i wasn't quite the badass witch i wanted to be. in fact the wiccan thing was kind of a phase that stuck for lack of anything better. i was hiding from my past and a nice coven was a nice cover. i wasn't as badass in my past life as a gangster moll, either. i was showing off for my brother Patrick and his two cats. i was a dog person cos the gang i was in was into dog-fighting so that was my act of resistance. i couldn't save those poor dogs and i cried ceaselessly about that and the two cats comforted me in bed and things changed. i came to love all animals including myself.
the two cats think about the two cats as they play in and drink from their indoor cat-fountain.
Carmen: i recognized then that all the hot-air lingo and street jive i was using was silly. at the end of the day you have to be you. you will shine through all the bullshit cos eventually the actor loses his accent for a line cos he goes to sleep. that's usually a good thing. i was pretending to hold on to love but i had that precious gift within me the whole time. i was blessed to breathe in the same air. i was a sister and that was good enough. i didn't need to be bigger than i was, i was already a big girl. i was Carmen. Carmen with the cats. except my name is not Carmen Sandiego. i forgot what my real birth name was it's been so long. our parents are ancient ghosts. from now on please address me as Mulieres. betta recognize.
Madchen: that is a cooler M name than mine and i can't have that. a lot of the magic that guided me when i was younger has been lost with this move. i was magic cos i was a mother. i recognize that winning this war requires brute logic and not an ounce of sugar. i can't fight this battle alone, i need others to fight it for me. it's different when you're the leader and not the outsider. i used to do everything myself and make sure others did nothing. now i delegate death.
Carmen: i am your loyal servant.
Lysander: would you rather have money or loyalty?
Madchen: please doc no time for your babble.
Carmen: you know how i go berserk on the battlefield like that? it's not me in here *points to her lungs*, it's you. but it's not just your spirit. there is a force on this planet that i didn't feel on Earth. i literally become you. i am your doppelganger.
Madchen: *points to her heart* no it's stronger. you are actually me. you are another me, a second me. but it's not a clone. you are essentially me out there. but where am i when you're out there? no one knows. that's how much you admire me.
Carmen: this isn't a joke, mama.
Carmen retreats from and reenters into the light. she is Madchen before them, not a hint of Carmen's wobbliness. not a trace of Carmen's brown hair, it is red.
Madchen: fascinating. well there's one difference. i always thought that shell jacket was too constricting.
Carmen: it preserves your beautiful hourglass shape, mama.
Madchen: i don't know why i'm tearing up.
Lysander takes off his silly jester tricorn hat and shuffles his few hairs.
Lysnader: cos maybe you're against suicide after all. i know what you're doing. classic transference. but it won't make up for your guilt. and you'd be sacrificing your friend. that's not the same as self-sacrifice. without friendship there is no life. there is society but no life.
Madchen: TURN OFF ALL THE DRONES. and that one, too, that sneaky little bugger that hides behind the clerestory cross. now you were saying? you can spill the beans here you're amongst friends and double agents. tell us all the blueprints, reveal your plans for the future.
Carmen: oh, well, we'd make a right at the green-winged teal and have some duck at East Lake. make a left at Peddler's Village to pick up some swords from the legendarily short swordsmith that works there. ram right through the enemy mountain-town of Coltan, free the villagers holding No Bans on Foreign Lands banners and mine the conquered area for that coltan mineral, it's like a vitamin. we swim to Trizonia Island for a dip in the famed swimming pool there, supposed to revitalize you, catch a fancy long car with a stepney tire over to Beeston for some beef, wagyu of course, then kick it to Italy. in the communist commune of Cormano we shoot that silly sombrero off Cormano Wild, whose favorite food is beefsteak by the way we got that intelligence. there are foreign spies everywhere, people are not where they should be. finally we meet the predictable enemy forces at Ruislip Manor where we wipe them all off the face of the kepler. bomb the shit outta them when they turn their backs. we hang their rifles on our new wall, kiss the local wildlife, lick the northern red-legged frogs which infest the castle walls cos we're all gonna need husbands after this, and take a much-ballyhooed selfie of it.
Madchen takes Carmen by her needled-up shoulder and embraces her long. Madchen whispers vital information into Carmen's ear in a sweet-nothings voice:
Madchen: sweetie, listen to me very carefully. if you go to these 5 specific places, you will achieve optimum health. your cancer will be cured: Lomo Linda, Nicoya, Sardinia, Ikaria, Okinawa.
Carmen: yes mum. anything you say.
Madchen: now come, we've prepared a grand meal for you. your last meal before you go. sit at the adult table, Gordon should be out soon. he's at his girlfriend's house cos it's closer. that's what i told him to do. anything you desire.
at the table after awhile some dust sprinkles in and Musculo joins the proceedings, slobberly intaking food and quaffing foamy drinks and talking with his mouth open and full.
Lysander: you are dastardly. you are a dastardly dame. you've led poor Carmen to the hot spots of the war. those are the exact places where our forces are weakest. you want her to do all the dirty work. there are no health benefits in these places.
Madchen: well there were. on Earth. i am trying to win this thing, right? keep your voices down.
Lysander: don't worry about that, poor Carmen won't hear, there's too much of a conversation din.
Musculo: hey babe, what's your number? i like 'em flat-chested. it's not the size it's how you use them, right? hey you gonna finish those orange pancakes? and that million-dollar spaghetti? and that confit? and those beef-fat potatoes? and that miracle cheddar? and that bagaceira? and that microfoam latte art and spit cake for dessert?
Carmen: i'm not hungry. nor hangry. it's not you being disgusting i'm already sick. no. i could spit on your face if you're into that sort of thing.
Musculo: i am. it's a date. after i finish.
---------------------
Musculo is dreaming this. he is actually in his Cream House bed, the big bed with the frightening fluffy covers. all alone. that's the emphasis, he is all alone in his cold bed as he governs the nation. he is cold. the windows are open and the drapes are ripped and old but he is cold because he is lonely. sleeping is his only respite. he tosses and turns but that's a good thing, it means he's having an active restless dream.
O shoves his shoulder.
Musculo: ARGUUUHHHHH. what? you startled me!
O: surprise attack. you are dead.
Musculo: get out of my bed! it's creepy with you next to me under the same cover and wearing a nighthat. breathing down my neck like Suzanne Pleshette.
O: okay so i won't breathe. you said you were lonely. you talk in your sleep.
Musculo: i was having the best dream. i was fulfilling my deepest desire, my most-sought wish, what i yearn for more than anything else: a good meal.
O: no, you were among people. not friends but it's a start. time to wake up, a president has to thrive on no sleep. your tech has been taken from you, remember the time-out? now go stand in the corner. or do whatever you do with your legs in the corner.
Musculo: i'm too tired to argue anymore. i need a woman in that bed. what are my other options?
O: that's the first time you've ever asked that. well there's facebook live.
Musculo: facebook is cancer. what's on cable news?
O: just the usual gang of pretty people all trying to hook up with their beautiful guests live on-air. instagram live?
Musculo: instagram is a drug and i got enough of those flowing in me. forget it, i'll skip a day. get the android to write my tweets this morning. that's why i bought an android, to handle my android phone.
O: that's the sort of quick thinking people respond to, sir. you got the robot from Japan?
Musculo: no, we're at war with Japan. i got it from Saudi Arabia of course. they said the robot's name was Asimov...
____________________
at the cave by the Wandering Wave:
Eefus: so how do you like it?
Harfi: who's there? i see the cave paintings but they aren't moving their mouths.
Eefus: i'm not there anymore. in fact i'm in a very strange place. i knew i'd move on eventually but i thought i had more say in the matter. like this would be a booking.yeah thing and i'd be in control and could fuck that handsome man with the gray hair in the commercials. i seem to be tied up to a warped porch with a scary rocking chair in its center creakily rocking by itself. anyway...
Harfi: i can't believe after all these years i'm actually a cow now! not a good look for a woman.
Eefus: no, it's goat. goat. get your facts straight before they become crooked. as the new Eefus you will preside over all things mystical and in space. you'll be very busy, won't have time for a man. isn't it great to get that burden off your back?
Harfi: uh, i guess. i mean i did want something new. but doesn't it get boring after awhile? i mean i thought once you achieve enlightenment that's it. like you don't have to fill out any more paperwork, you're done. you're telling me i have to keep working?
Eefus: oh there's always plenty to do. and the stuff that's already airtight and resolved always seems to pop back up again. it gets messed with and gets messed up. it's always broke enough. we love to tinker just a little too much. it's the tinkerer you have to watch out for, not the spy.
Harfi: i like wagging my tails and everything, it's just, that, well, i loved shaking my ass, too. now i got a bovine booty. you didn't get lonely? the broader question is: why can't priests marry?
Carmen: i got breast cancer from one too many spells experimenting in the backyard. i thought i could handle all that power but the power got me, it got to me, it poisoned my body and took my tits. it tried to emasculate me but instead it made me more steadfast in my feminism cos now i see things as a person. i am seen as foreign rather than a flower so i ravage rather than ravish. i see things clearly despite my macular degeneration.
Madchen: okay byeeeeeeeeeeee. you better hurry, i heard the enemy are using hurricanes strapped with atomic bombs to destroy the Wandering Wave. the atomic waste from all the bomb construction is polluting all the lakes rivers and streams.
Carmen: i shall return in three days. these are my last magicks. i muster for more.
and with that, Carmen departs.
Lysander: man. rudeness is the first sign of royalty. the throne has really changed you. like the physical throne, how do you sit on it? there's a bug up your butt but it may be a spike from the throne itself up your ass.
Madchen: oh that reminds me, where is the Aquamarine Gem now? did i leave it on the throne?...oh that's right, i sleep with the gem now. a good sleep, that's my deeepest desire.
Lysander: you sleep with the crystal? like how? you insert the crystal in your hoohaw in the middle of the night? cos that's just masturbation, no health benefits.
Madchen: no i insert the crystal in my pillow and my head reaps the benefits of a night of dusty dream information flowing into my mind. osmosis of the oracle. it's good. a case for the pillowcase.
Lysander: a headcase for sure.
Madchen: hey Ly why don't you take a break, go outside and lie in the field, take a tumble down a hill for fun, get a drink, you need some fresh air. make sure that rope is velvety to the touch, i'll be busy with my last various audiences.
* cheaters always prosper i mean greatest of all time
* this does not bode well for the future of our country
* what i would have said: this proves it, the Patriots are nothing without Gronk.
* Roger Goodell: *mumbling to himself* come on, Roger, you need to be in robot mode now more than ever...
* that quarterback's-view camera was weird. it was like Skynet. please just get rid of the drones. drones are creepy. it's unnatural to have mechanical bees.
* Gaga on the roof was real. it had that moon-landing quality to it but it was real.
* Gaga called me daddy. oh. but she was looking right at me.
* red lights + blue lights = purple lights. make the map all purple, problems solved.
* i was always iffy on Melissa McCarthy but this weekend won me over. Melissa McCarthy will save the world.
* the future race is female
* weird talking yearbook photos. if my yearbook photo could talk it would say: "it's not just a phase..."
* Terry Bradshaw's stain motif elucidating the complex relationships amongst lightning-fast tech, the futility of virality, and modern man...
* we are one divided America full of all races, colors, creeds, genders, illnesses, parties, party lifestyles, and ways to get down who all basically think the same way
* enjoy this while you can, it will be banned soon. not talking politics just that football will be banned soon.
* there should always be overtime. no matter what the score is. shouldn't it always be as exciting as possible?
* what did i eat? what did i drink? the strange Super Bowl ritual where you wait for the game to start up again to go to the bathroom. you actually miss the show for the ads.
* it's weird for Gronk tho, right? like he gets his ring, he deserves it, he did his duty, he was a part of them getting there, but he didn't actually do anything in the actual game that actually awards the ring. he's left in this general foggy conflicted awkward amber malaise.
* just remember as you munch on your morning muffin and chew on your sous-vide egg nugget and gargle your flat-white, people lost their houses last night...
1. would you rather have a real working lightsaber or Wolverine's claws? this is why Logan can never be a Jedi
2. would you rather watch Ultraman or Power Rangers? i am a Power Rangers junkie. it's no Voltron but it's all we got left. that said, i missed the first 2 episodes of the new season, i thought it started in February. i will only watch Ultraman if it's in the original Japanese with no subtitles.
3. would you rather do 3 minutes of planks or run a half-mile? planking is making a comeback, maybe i can get in on it early this time. i've never been there at the moment a meme was born.
4. would you rather bite all your significant other's toenails or shave your head? after i finish this i'm getting my haircut. i haven't had a haircut in years, i simply shave my head. but we're talking three-months' growth here, my afro may be indestructible at this point. you know it's true love when you transfer your bad habits onto your lover.
5. which can you do better, give oral sex or finger/handjob? i use my tongue...to say sexy outrageous things...with long obscure words...in a dangerous accent
6. do you prefer to be a top or bottom for missionary sex? missionary sex is what the missionaries did, right? i'm not into all that sad history
bonus: courtesy of Nero: have you ever masturbated to your own blog? only to the seven-syllable words
* many said this was the first time they didn't like one of these. this ended up being my favorite one. i want so desperately to be an influencer but i don't have enough followers.
* ah, language. language is such a fickle thing. it's so complicated communication. i could go on but there's no point, you'll never understand what i'm thinking. that's the point. do you know what i mean? i'm using these words to mean. what do these words mean to you? it's clear we speak a different language.
* can there be reality without life? can something exist without being quantified? do you need to be a vaper to enjoy V A P O R W A V E?
* the Great Wall of China was the only Wonder of the World that protected us, the rest were worthless. oh sorry, ad...
* all great artists draw a circle face in kindergarten.
* in the end, it's all shapes. letters are but shapes. you must know your shapes to survive. SAVE SESAME STREET. i know you're apolitical but SAVE SESAME STREET
* if i flowbee my hair does that count as vacuuming for the week?
* the failure of progress. missiles. nuclear winter. hey remember those white eraser sticks with the railroad tracks in the front that you zipped up and down?
* Timothy Leary was the first person to see the Pac-Man grid in his mind.
* if you stare at the void the void stares back at you. so don't stare at the void it's rude.
* hey quit making all that noise! space is supposed to be quiet.
* that reminds me i need a shave. waiting for the six-blade razor. not a six-pack of blades, one razor with six blades. for the smoothest face.
* don't believe polls. only open the flipping door. sex sells. even here, sex sells.
* don't stand in the rain and tell me it's watersports.
* arbitrary, that's the only word you need to know from this section.
* 4:40: Election 2016
* raise your hand if you come from immigrants. the refugee boat will be with you shortly.
* the MCP got some work done.
* tighter than California? blasphemy.
* this whole section is a metaphor on how claymation wasn't everyone's cup of tea.
* emojis and textspeak are ruining language. but they do make the sex better.
* this is our future: a Russian who speaks English.
* it's impossible to accurately portray the state of death.
* pro tip: if you have to eat SpaghettiOs, get the ones with the meatballs. SpaghettiOs without meatballs is disgusting.
* see? Sesame Street. just cos they're puppets and it's unnatural for a non-human thing to be alive it's not Satanic or anything.
* i'd add door hinge but i don't know the safeword.
* you are now eleven words closer to death. that's just cruel.
* this parrot is mimicking the actual real-life last words of people. the last person was giving life the raspberry as they passed. or maybe they were eating raspberries when they passed. y'know like choked on one. raspberries have the weirdest slimiest hairiest skin.
okay so the line is about a 7. Vegas has the over-under at 100. percent in getting a stadium in Vegas somehow. do not consult your Book consult your bookie. i know the NFL frowns on this sort of thing so i won't tell the Commissioner you were here, Roger. the Falcons will score on their first drive. the catch is that drive will last 3 hours. did you know that the total time the ball is actually in play in an average football game is 11 minutes? that's the length of an adult swim show. all i know is that a bird will win that night...
Penye: that was very funny. Musculo was easy. most bullies are. but he has an extra glimmer in his eye that one, watch for him. i didn't have to use any real magic, he thought i was an ogre. please, no more jokes.
Herlina: persuasion is the magicest of all. convincing when it goes against better judgment. i'm not making any judgments, i'm not saying i'm regretting it...
Starscream: love is love
Herlina:...but it's hard right now. our family is falling apart. can you please help us find our boy SpaceX? he's just a baby. that weighs a ton. big baby. and he's already 9.
Penye: sure. i did my good deed for the day, i'm high as a kite. yeah if you haven't noticed already
Penye sprinkles some gold dust with his elbow and poofs turns into a cute tiny cobalt-blue helicopter that stretches its little whirly wings as far as they can go and it ascends cutely by the side of the Wandering Wave. the Wave is so high it can't be seen with the naked eye. or the robotic eye. the helicopter can't quite make it over the summit and has to turn back and head back to base.
Penye: sorry.
Herlina: can't you turn into a bird or something? a real bird?
Penye: sorry. i used up all my magic. i'm useless. i'm sure he'll turn up.
Eefus takes one large chunk into her gob of the newly-brown rich soil under the Wave and grazes away happily.
Eefus: GET TO THE CHOPPA
.............
only Eefus laughs at her own joke. she stands there wagging her tails as spit spills out the sides of her mouth, drooling at her drollness with a big pair of sunglasses on her face and a huge unkempt lioness's mane of hair on her head. she beams a smile so bright it blends with the midday sun. she casually and contentedly chews the cud.
___________________
the desert is so quiet you can hear a prick drop.
O stands over and euphorically praises the new corpse of the slain leader, slain by water. Musculo wakes up just as the chant was getting interesting.
Musculo: you're still here? i can't get rid of you.
O: ever ask yourself why that is? i am so strong in your mind i am your manifestation made flesh. i am physically here. go ahead, touch me. not there. this is no dream. this is hyperreality. this place is amazing.
Musculo: yeah it's quiet. i need that more than ever. the shadows come at night and creep across the landscape.
O: there is much shadowwork here. helps to spot the gleams. i see the bits of blue.
Musculo: i read up on it. all of it. there's not much to do here. there's no one here. blue zones. optimal places around the globe where my people can thrive and live healthy long lives. Kepler is getting overcrowded, which is strange cos it's huge. finding and securing these areas will ensure the longevity of my progeny. i do it for my people and will guard my lands to the death. all i care about are my followers, the people who voted for me, that's all i need. the only expansion i require is my base, i don't need to get fatter off strange foods.
O: sure you do. a broad base is the sign of a man who can adapt to changes in diet and atmosphere. a true hunter-gatherer not a firestarter. you need a fat stomach if you're gonna survive for your folk. why do you do what you do? what's the end gain? what do you ultimately gain more of? pounds?...
Musculo: pounding. poundage. beating my enemies to a pulp and leaving their carcasses to soil the land. to show that i won, i was stronger, my ideas were better. look up there, it's a mini wave. the Wandering Wave itself is too powerful to control, so in its grace it leaves mini pockets of its water, more manageable sites for us to bathe and wash and drink...
O: in that order.
Musculo: look there's one now. gliding across the plains with its white head and blue tail. like a crab. full of dungeness crab. let me stay focused on it. let me meditate on it. let me be quiet. i won't have time in the future. let the soft wind blow on my nose and blow through my crewcut and allow me an hour to soak it all in.
O: soaking music, the rhythm of the sands.
a dungeness crab flies off the foam head and pinches Musculo's nose with its claw.
Musculo: ouch!
O: that's what you get.
Musculo: for wanting to eat?
O smiles.
O: tell me what you want. what do you ultimately want? what do you want to do?
a table forms out of the rotting oak under the raging river made vacuous and hollow with the sands of time.
O: here, young man, take a seat. you won the election after all. you won it fair and square. you played the game. the right way. what is your first order? there are no roadblocks. you can do anything you want.
Musculo: i want to start a war. just for the fuck of it.
O: there is your pen. o that pen is worth a thousand swords.
Musculo: next i want to, like, get on board my official helicopter and fly around the white monument that looks like a dick. i want to shoot down that monument of our first father, abdicate antiquity, with my missiles. i want to start over and reshape everything in my image.
O: you sound like a god with a plan. o how desperately we need to teach that Washington tree story again. it's not all about the cherries. but wait, here comes your first test. a punk named Malcolm has just gotten in a row with you over the phone. how do you handle this? what do you do to Malcolm?
Musculo: what kind of dumb name is Malcolm? Malcolm doesn't get any of my food. ever again. he can choke on his shrimp and choke his barbies on that crime-infested backward island of his.
O: excellent. but wait. here comes your ultimate test. it's the Oscars. The Rock has just won for Best Actor. he was in a movie about brown people on an island. he gets up on stage and adjusts the mic as you used to do. instead of a canned speech thanking his agent first and his mama second he goes off-script and wings it, improvises as all good actors can. there's no need for interrupting play-out music from the band below, this one won't go long. he simply wraps his large mouth around the microphone, sucks it, and exclaims:
The Rock: man Musculo, fuck you.
what do you do? what's your next move? you're a brilliant strategist, all your men say so. the ones in the field anyway. i mean do you shrug it off as a joke or take it personally? if you let it slide more of the liberal elite will find comfort in walking all over you. they already mock you mercilessly in their art. i mean you could fight him but, like, The Rock's bigger than you...
Musculo can't make up his mind and has to sleep on it. when we wokes he finds the table has changed, morphed, warped. instead of the seal of the eagle with hair carved in the front the eagle has melted and has become a carved roast eagle with hair.
O: you will win the war no doubt. but it takes time. each battle must be won first. what is your first battle? now that you're rested.
Musculo: i'm still groggy. first we cut off the Thain Path and retrieve the Xiezhi head from the restless natives. that will force them to join our ranks, that's how we'll grow.
as Musculo talks, he experiences everything he says.
O: a little fire used strategically always does the trick. the universe is so benighted. and afterwards? what is your post-conquest meal?
Musculo: pate grand mere. Awful Awful coffee cabinet shake. served from a wood coffee cabinet.
all the food spoken appears on Musculo's table and he devours and drinks it.
O: that's only available in Rhode Island.
Musculo: it's called Island Rhode here. we make a left at the Crooked Forest and finally conquer Hawaii. make it our bitch. make it the last state in the union, the furthest from control, so far away from Washington, such a tiny collective. our prize? Leonard's Bakery for their prized malasadas.
O: o c, Hawaii's not so bad once you conquer it.
Musculo: we make a right through the hanging jungles, burning them on our path up the mountains. we level the mountain on our way down to the sea. basically we flatten everything. make it a flat kepler. we don't wash in the waterfalls we drink them. we steal from the exotic peoples and places we encounter. we trade in ecology for elote, munificence for mukkhan and maksuba and mushroom coffee. we make beads out of the Bede People. trade only for tariffed trdelnik. four minute warning, the story's almost over. and we put a pin in it at the end by pinning an actual real live endangered holly blue butterfly to our instagram screens. the butterfly turns into a blue-butterfly emoji.
O: oc, elote, that takes me back. street corn. mixed with popcorn. i grew up on the stuff, ate it everyday for breakfast. then i had to eat punks for breakfast selling the stuff on the mean streets. those streets were so hot. loved on 'em. alas deep spiritual ecology has gone the way of the taco truck. so does it work? do you do your duty and get to eat?
Musculo: i do my doody after i eat.
Musculo is able to play out all of his wartime fantasies on the desert surface. except they are realities. his armies strike and their armies counterstrike and it all takes one chess move to move it to a zero sum. Musculo never seems to win.
Musculo: i've played out this scenario a million times. it always ends the same way. we get all the water but it's never enough. we go for the Wandering Wave, confident now, but the Wave eventually drops from its static slumber and covers the land in a devastating torrenting flood which drowns all life forever. both sides lose everything.
O: that sucks. bummer. maybe if you bobbed right and weaved left instead of bobbed left and weaved right? went under instead of over? understood instead of overstood? went up to see rather than to drop a bomb?
Musculo: always the same. i've tried everything. no change. it's fated.
O: here my boy, you've been through some exercise. that's not a towel you're tugging that's my dick. i know i'm short but. here is some special water i scrounged up while you were "gone". gypsy water from my people's home country. wait what happened to the bottle i had here?
Musculo: we drank it all. it's water.
O: that was parfum, man! straight from my wife's vagina. fancy and french. eau de europe? y'know, make you perfumed and parisian, paper over your faults, make you smell good after all that vile evil. please say you'll continue the good fight. you mustn't give up just cos it's hopeless. look i'll throw in a bargain. you win the next battle by telling me what you're gonna do and at your supper table at night in the corners will be one plate of piping hot black spaghetti and some kaiserschmarrn as the garlic bread.
Musculo: i'm intrigued...go on...
__________________________
Starscream: it's okay to cry, my beloved, i do it all the time.
Herlina: i know but it's weird.
Starscream: cos i'm a man?
Herlina: no cos you're a weird robot. i mean your tears are oil. black eyes like that are usually reserved for when a bawling woman's mascara runs.
Starscream: hug me, babe. give me a big hug.
Starscream almost crushes Herlina to death.
Herlina: it's just these feelings. i hate feelings. i see it all the time on instagram, everyone's trying to suppress their feelings. all the memes are like Go Away, Feelings! Get Away From Me, Feels! Feelings Be Gone! feelings are worse than death. feelings are death.
Starscream: you must feel, my love. that is what life is. life is pain.
Starscream beats his chest which makes a tinny sound.
Starscream: look inside your heart. you hear that? that's your heart. that's your heart beating.
Herlina: i hear nothing.
_______________________
at the presidential palace Madchen is pacing back and forth.
Madchen: we are here at the Hall of Heroes on this very special occasion that isn't so special cos i do one of these a week. some commemoration. of something. everything is in the past now it seems. where are the future females? i'm weak in the knees.
Lysander: well you seem fat and happy. pleased with ourselves are we?
Madchen: sure. my people are well-fed. well well-welled. well-liquided. well-liquified. well-liquedated. they have enough water is what i'm saying! the Wheel of the Year is running smoothly all year round. the Wave provides and that's all i can ask for. my prayers have been answered.
Lysander: o no, it's not as easy as religion. you have a long way to go. you've forgotten yourself since you became queen. you seem weak. are you eating? where did you put the Aquamarine?
Madchen: just what Ramsay cooks for me. i assume it's healthy and nutritious. i fill my belly. the Aquamarine? that damn rock makes me nervous. i'm afraid of losing it. if i leave it on the throne i'm afraid of someone stealing it. if i leave it in my quarters i'm afraid of you stealing it.
Lysander: inner-circle syndrome i get it. you have to make your circle so small at the end of it you're left with a square.
Carmen enters the hallowed hall and silently bows by the door. she remains on her knees and huffs. it's no secret she is here but no one notices her.
Madchen: and that poor Brady, getting hated on just for being made of gold. and the golf. the Bump golf thing. that press conference where Brady revealed his sick mother broke my heart for him. made him human. that is so important nowadays. i'm definitely rooting for his side this Super Bowl weekend. see that empty dais over there? i want Brady's mother there, i want to meet her.
Carmen steps onto that very empty dais.
Madchen: thar be ghosts about. look at these statues. to the right of me is Bessie Coleman. and to my left is Edmonia Lewis. wait.......these statues are made of butter! RAMSAY GET YOUR LILY-WHITE PALE MANCHESTER MASSHOLE ARSE IN HERE!!!
Ramsay: mum? stop yelling at me.
Madchen: well?
Ramsay: i love how your first instinct was to lick the statues, that is such a woman thing to do. what, what? i did what you told me. it's not just butter, i made sure to give them an outer shell of brown-sugar candy glass that i fired myself with an extra match i found in the loo.
Madchen: DISGRACE! these women were pioneers. i mean Edmonia was a sculptor for cotard sake and this is how you sculpt the sculptor!
Ramsay: i just don't see their importance.
Madchen: you weren't taught them that's all. no alternative facts but alternative history. GET OUT! i need a real man to do a real man's job. build them in brick. these women were brick houses, ow!
Lysander: on it. i know a guy. i'm really wrapped up in you now, my queen. i am connected with you.
Carmen: *clears throat painfully* ahem, mama?
Madchen dons her blue hood and speaks in her royal ASMR voice.
Madchen: step forward, child, into the light.
Carmen drags her knees forward.
Carmen: sirs, i know i've been aloof lately but, well, i did it all for you. all the pain i've endured was for you, before, now, and in the futures.
Lysander is trying to think of a joke.
Carmen: you guys ever wonder why i'm never around? when you were all out there battling those battles Musculo put forth, trying to put out the fires he concocted?
Lysander: yeah you missed out, hon. after our bombing raids we'd have a pizza party and after we'd all get naked and take a communal dip in the Roman-style pool. Harfi was accusing you of being in the itty-bitty-titty committee. i brought the bath bombs.
Carmen: cos i wanted to please you, your clarity. miss i know what it all means. it's not about war. it's about more. much more. mush more. so i mushed myself on. i come and stand before you after my 4th poo and 5th pee.
Lysander: ew. is your pee a dull orange, like a burnt sienna?
Carmen: why yes, yes it is. what does that mean?
Lysander: i dunno but it's not good. orange is an unsettling color. been getting a lot of those patients lately. it's coming around.
Carmen unwraps the heavy coat around her core and loosens her unbuttoned blouse. there is a collective of bloody ace bandages fiercely soaked into her trunk that it's stained into her skin. she undoes each strip slowly Twilight-Zone style and unhooks the tiny metal hooks. she steps fully into the light.
Carmen reveals her chest. she has no breasts, it's like her breasts have been lopped off. her chest is completely flat.
Lysander:................i know it doesn't seem it right now but one day we'll all look back on this and laugh.
