TMIT: CAN OF BISQUE

learned:

* but what if the Falcons won the toss...

* cheaters always prosper i mean greatest of all time

* this does not bode well for the future of our country

* what i would have said: this proves it, the Patriots are nothing without Gronk.

* Roger Goodell: *mumbling to himself* come on, Roger, you need to be in robot mode now more than ever...

* that quarterback's-view camera was weird. it was like Skynet. please just get rid of the drones. drones are creepy. it's unnatural to have mechanical bees.

* Gaga on the roof was real. it had that moon-landing quality to it but it was real.

* Gaga called me daddy. oh. but she was looking right at me.

* red lights + blue lights = purple lights. make the map all purple, problems solved.

* i was always iffy on Melissa McCarthy but this weekend won me over. Melissa McCarthy will save the world.

* the future race is female

* weird talking yearbook photos. if my yearbook photo could talk it would say: "it's not just a phase..."

* Terry Bradshaw's stain motif elucidating the complex relationships amongst lightning-fast tech, the futility of virality, and modern man...

* we are one divided America full of all races, colors, creeds, genders, illnesses, parties, party lifestyles, and ways to get down who all basically think the same way

* enjoy this while you can, it will be banned soon. not talking politics just that football will be banned soon.

* there should always be overtime. no matter what the score is. shouldn't it always be as exciting as possible?

* what did i eat? what did i drink? the strange Super Bowl ritual where you wait for the game to start up again to go to the bathroom. you actually miss the show for the ads.

* it's weird for Gronk tho, right? like he gets his ring, he deserves it, he did his duty, he was a part of them getting there, but he didn't actually do anything in the actual game that actually awards the ring. he's left in this general foggy conflicted awkward amber malaise.

* just remember as you munch on your morning muffin and chew on your sous-vide egg nugget and gargle your flat-white, people lost their houses last night...

1. would you rather have a real working lightsaber or Wolverine's claws? this is why Logan can never be a Jedi

2. would you rather watch Ultraman or Power Rangers? i am a Power Rangers junkie. it's no Voltron but it's all we got left. that said, i missed the first 2 episodes of the new season, i thought it started in February. i will only watch Ultraman if it's in the original Japanese with no subtitles.

3. would you rather do 3 minutes of planks or run a half-mile? planking is making a comeback, maybe i can get in on it early this time. i've never been there at the moment a meme was born.

4. would you rather bite all your significant other's toenails or shave your head? after i finish this i'm getting my haircut. i haven't had a haircut in years, i simply shave my head. but we're talking three-months' growth here, my afro may be indestructible at this point. you know it's true love when you transfer your bad habits onto your lover.

5. which can you do better, give oral sex or finger/handjob? i use my tongue...to say sexy outrageous things...with long obscure words...in a dangerous accent

6. do you prefer to be a top or bottom for missionary sex? missionary sex is what the missionaries did, right? i'm not into all that sad history

bonus: courtesy of Nero: have you ever masturbated to your own blog? only to the seven-syllable words

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