TMIT: BROWN COW SENSES RAIN AND LIES DOWN, THAT'S HOW

the questions come out of famous reality tv shows:

1. Sex Sent Me To The ER: ever gone to a doc for a sex-related problem?

me: doc, i have World Cup Fever.
Doctor Pepper: take two cokes and call me in the morning.
me: why?
Doctor Pepper: i'm lonely.

2. Survivor: have you ever been stranded somewhere with a group of strangers? yes, my family.

3. The Amazing Race: ever had a freeform play-it-by-ear international trip/scavenger hunt whose clues/challenges took you out of your home state/country?

Easter egg hunt, i wore bunny ears over my ears so i played it by ear but i couldn't hear anything. i lost badly and ended up in Canada.

4. Marriage Boot Camp: ever had group couples therapy? spill: it worked out just fine, it's easier to spill your secrets to a crowd than if it's just the two of you, there's strength and safety in numbers. plus, compared to the couple next to you (Kardashians), your problems don't seem that bad.

5. Airline: ever been in a contentious argument with airline personnel? what had happened was i was late for the last train to Hawaii...

6. What Not To Wear: ever had a complete makeover (hair/fashion/couture/weight loss)? on your own or with help? describe your transformation: one day i woke up to find myself transformed into a giant insect. my first call was to Kafka. my second call was to Jeff Goldblum.

7. How Clean Is Your House?: ever had a guest blatantly criticize the cleanliness of your home out in public and clean and rearrange it without your permission? these handsome men knocked on my door one morning. i was still an insect. they placed everything in brown boxes and left my home bare. i was just like whatever.

bonus: what is the second pic from up atop there? explain how you'd use it: it's the way any cow ensures a fun Saturday night whether or not her bull comes on time. you got your red lipstick, you got your vibrating dildo...

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