BAG

her name is Catherine...the Beauty and the Beast tv show intro, remember?...except i don't know her name, never had the courage to avert my gaze from her luscious breasts to her nameplate below. she works at The Store, y'know, the place where i do my grocery shopping each week, she used to sling in behind the deli counter, that's where we first met, she quickly made me forget Jen with her black-circled stretched ears, messy blonde hair all pinned up, Spanish lips, quirkiness, and the quality which attracts me fast like metal on magnet: not giving a fuck about anything. goths can sniff out boredom, ennui, and apathy better than army dogs.

first sandwich: the BBQ, last of its kind, it would be phased out the next week: first meeting, awkward, but i quelled my loser loner makeup long enough to feign conviction and coolness and started jabbering on about her stretched ears as she quickly toasted the bread, filling my order with a speed signaling she wanted to de done with me. she had a green dragon or lizard tat or something on her neck, i asked her about it, but apparently i stutter, or mumble, 'cause it took the third time repeating myself before she recognized the word "tat". maybe she heard "splat" and thought i was a creep. see, this is why i need to get out more, i type so much and hardly speak at all, my motor skills are dulled, my mouth can't cash the check my brain is spewing.

second sandwich: meat special: but not that kind of meat special, and it wasn't all that special. i don't come to The Store for the brilliant food frankly, i cum for her. clearly, there is no chemistry on her side, for she takes my order and immediately goes into the secret room behind the deli and closes the door, waiting for the meat to heat up 3 minutes in the greasy oven. what was the post-order banter this time around? fuck if i recall, depression is real.

third or later sandwiches: well, thing is, we didn't cross paths for some time...and then two months or so later, she reemerges from a different closed door in The Store, a higher-up door to a better office, an office with a plant, she apparently is now a part-time manager or something, she's done with those dirty sandwiches, although she isn't quite management yet, for i see her bagging groceries.

some time later, it occurs: she just happens to work my checkout conveyor belt, with my groceries, my foodstuffs, my skin mags, my condoms, my computer drives, and celery, and celery salt. i cannot believe my eyes, but this is happening, she is actually using those soft gentle hands of hers to pick up the food containers and wine bottles i have purchased and she's bagging them in cheap white plastic bags. i silently help, i always help the bag kid whenever possible, the checkout lady punches up the food on the computer, then she helps bag the food, puts four items in one bag, don't crush the eggs, and then the least i can do is lift said bag back into the cart as i get ready to go.

our hands touched during this process, as we were both scrambling to get the bagging job done. i noticed that she maintained her air of nothingness, but she wasn't as blatantly cold to me as before, she seemed level, calm. i should have asked her about her stretched ears again, missed my chance, this chance might not ever come again. what are the chances that she would be there at the exact moment i'm there with my groceries at that same day, time, and place? infinitesimal. she had black hair now! sexy raven black hair, hadn't noticed, was too busy thinking up the ice-breaker. and that gorgeous face, pale cheekbones, lovely lips...i'd ask her "so, did that hurt getting your ears stretched like that?" yeah, that's cool, that would make her smile, if i can get a person like this to smile, i'm in, for the world has rendered both of our mouths vacant and incapable of smiling.

you know what i'm gonna do? you know what i'm gonna do? the next time she happens to be there, walking to and fro into her new spiffy office, and she takes a break to bag, i'm gonna request help out to my car like all of the old, frail ladies who saunter around The Store with their canes, tennis-ball stretchers, and motorized cart cars do, i'll ask for assistance loading the bagged groceries into my car trunk, i'll pretend to have a broken leg, i'll develop a fake hobble, that'll give us a sure, true, not-reliant-on-fate actual time period of five minutes or so to talk. don't leave things up to fate, action is required, not luck, luck will break your way one week and break your leg the next.

the ground is slipping away from underneath my feet, i'm floating upside-down, time for another pill, or rather, another vitamin, there is only so much escape into sleep, there are only so many unanswered emails a man can stomach, i voted for change, exact change is upon me.

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TNH: ANYONE BUT ME

*CLICKY CLICKY*

click above on an examination into the interior self to pop this series into a release and finish

THEN, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK

THEN, please answer the following questions:

1. when did you give/receive your first hummer? underneath the bleachers?

2. Sin, what are you gonna do, huh?

3. are you happier when dreaming or when you're living in the real world?

4. what's the first thing you do when you're disenchanted?

5. do you feel love is real?

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SPEAKING OF FALLING

FALLING FALLING FALLING IN LOVE OUT OF SORTS OUT INTO DANGER IN AND OUT OF CONSCIOUSNESS FOR YOU I'M SO FALLIN' FOR THE DECEIT FOR IT FOR YOUR FEMININE WILES FOR THE TRICKS OF THE TRADE FALLING FALLING FALLING FOR YOU CLICK HERE CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK RIGHT NOW DO IT NOW YOUR LIFE DEPENDS ON IT CLICK HERE...AND KEEP YOUR EYES PEELED FOR THE QUICK REFERENCE TO BATH SALTS

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TNH: SEVEN DEADLY

*CLICKY CLICKY*

first, click on the falling, or is it flying?, a position of helplessness to a position of strength, huh?...for #3 of 4

THEN, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK

THEN, please answer the following questions:

1. which of the Seven Deadly Sins do you practice daily? how?

2. have you ever been involved with a burning in effigy? what was the cause?

3. who gives you the anger? the nerve?

4. what's something you only want a taste of?

5. in what style of dance are you dancing to this song right now? breakdance? moshing? polka?

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TMIT: I STRIP FOR PEANUTS, I EAT THE PEANUTS

this pic right up above here of the dude: this makes me sad, that's Chuck, y'know Chuck, we all knew Chuck, we all loved Chuck, Chuck from across the way, from the other side of the tracks...why'd you do it, Chuck, why? RIP


1. have you ever danced naked in front of anyone? what prompted the experience? dateline Los Angeles, cops gettin' frisky, i'm gettin' frisky, head against the wall, *heads* against the wall, it was later noted by a young scrappy reporter that the whole thing was over a misunderstanding involving black tea...

2. have you ever been to a strip club? all that you expected? believe it or not, the first time i went to a strip club proper wasn't until college, i had seen them on tv and "enjoyed" them from afar, but it took me entering a class on Sex In Popular Culture (yeah, i know, but i was desperate by that point) before i, get this, had to go on a field trip to a strip club for research! ah, college, if only the rest of one's life was like college...i had a great time btw, there was dancing, rejoicing, wine, and women, and rejoicing

3. "amateur night" at a strip club? those are the best nights, right? that's when the girlfriends of the dudes by the end of the night aren't the girlfriends of the dudes anymore.

4. do you think strip clubs are exploitative or are they misunderstood as simple adult entertainment venues? now go ahead and take a look at PIC 3 from up atop there, and you tell me, look at the guys' faces and you tell me.

5. would you ever consider stripping to pay for college or other expenses? i did, if it wasn't for stripping and a few Sanchezes in my time, i wouldn't have this extensive vocabulary in my arsenal, i'd be blogging with more measly words in a trash can somewhere. i mean, i'm still doing this from a trash can, but i've read War and Peace, so...

6. have you ever given your partner a private dance? my new wife and i divorced, we were cracking each other up too hard, it became impossible to live together. so, i don't feel much like celebrating, i'll probably just quietly breakdance in my room later tonight to get the sullen out.

7. would you ever perform a lap dance for a complete stranger? at gunpoint, maybe. when i dance, it's more about feeling the flow than it is about being sexy or even competent. i guess what i'm trying to say is that it's one grade above Elaine's dry-heave dance on Seinfeld.

8. Showgirls, Strip Tease, Magic Mike, what is the sexiest Hollywood strip scene you've ever youtubed? oh man, i still remember the absolute fervor and chaos that Showgirls caused when it came out in 1995, remember all that? it's like yesterday for me, that was one year after Cobain, so i guess the world was seeking something to distract itself with. the story was too good to pass up, with the wholesome character from Saved By The Bell going way against type to play the sexpot. y'know, the critics beforehand made it seem like this was gonna be the raunchiest, nastiest, filthiest, most vulgar sex-laden film of all time, like this was worse than the worst porn out there. the one scene which stays with me today is of course that sex scene in the pool, when Kyle turns on the lights of the palm tree, everyone in the theatre laughs, and after all the undulations and falling back and forth in and out of the water as the two fucked, i knew i had a unique sex position to try with my girlfriend in my jacuzzi...if i ever got a jacuzzi.

bonus: do you have a stripper fantasy, that given the chance of never being found out, you'd turn into a reality? life is about turning dreams into reality. i don't have stripper dreams, i dream of strips, though, strips of beef jerky, that's what makes me a man, i love meat, eating meat, licking meat, tasting meat...swallowing meat.





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WEDDED BLISS, PART 2: I SAID...

CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK TO SEE HOW MY MARRIED LIFE IS PROGRESSING THUS FAR



okay, for me, this is the funniest and best-written comedy sketch since the demise of MAD TV. nothing from Saturday Night Live since can touch this.






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TNH: RAINDROPS/TEARS/SWEAT

*CLICKY CLICKY*


click above on my favorite spot to read and cry for 2 of 4


THEN, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK



THEN, please answer the following questions:

1. i first heard this song at a particularly dark chapter in my college life. what was your darkest time in college?
2. what was the coolest thing about rotary phones?
3. it's been said that raining is really the Angels crying. so, what are the Angels crying about?
4. what do raindrops taste like to you?
5. when was the last time you fucked in the rain? describe this experience in full detail.






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TMIT: THE BIG O

pic 10 from atop: love that :)


1. do you remember your first orgasm? how old were you? do tell, do tell: something funny was happening in my pants, and it wasn't number one or number two...it was number three. i don't remember how old i was, for time stopped still then and still hasn't recovered, still hasn't progressed. i lost all of my forward progression and momentum and career and growth trajectory, my adult maturity is gone forever, and i became, then and forever, a male blogger. viva la difference!

2. what is your favorite way to orgasm? sex, g spot, p spot, oral?: p spot, penis spot

3. are there any ways you want to experience orgasm but haven't yet? oral, g/p spot, squirt, with or w/o vibrator?: i've squirted...milk out my mouth when i laugh at my own jokes. God built me with a real-life flesh vibrator down my belly button, so i'm good there. i'd say g spot, good spot, that's what it stands for, or great spot if you're a pro.

4. have you ever had an orgasm in your sleep? i've never actually slept, not one time, that's the problem with me, that's why i'm always on edge...

5. what is the easiest/fastest way for you to have an orgasm? good anime with dark lines like The Big O does it for me, or chicken, good chicken like the new Kentucky Fried Chicken Chicken Little sandwiches with the white sauce and the pickles, had one this weekend, it was serviceable, or the new Burger King Popcorn Chicken, gonna try those next week with barbecue sauce.

6. how many times a week do you try to reach orgasm? you do the math...oh, well, yeah, if you consider that i am a man, i'm trying to reach orgasm literally (like Joe Biden is fond of saying), literally every second i draw a breath, in fact twice in one breath, so...you do the math, i'm an English major

7. have you ever had an orgasm simultaneously with your partner? who normally cums first? that is the ultimate sex experience, huh? that's what i've been told by women anyway, the cum-at-the-same-time spiritual connection, after such a feat, you must pray for forty days and forty nights and fast, or it will never happen again. no? oh come on, Linda, i believed you. anyway, there's an old proverb that goes, "he who cums last cums best." other variants include "he who cums last cums messiest" and "he who cums first lives in the basement."

8. can you have multiples? no, my cat could never have babies, she was spayed, i followed ol' Bob Barker's advice even though i cooled on The Price Is Right after my 50th game of Plinko. my cat's okay, it was benign, no cancer, thank you to all out there in the cyber world, my kitty and i really appreciate it! meow!

9. how long does it normally take you to reach orgasm? one flip of the page...

10. have you ever faked one? that's difficult for men to do with all of the white visual evidence everywhere, but actually, one time instead of cumming cum, i cummed water. i know, it was strange, but not strange enough to panic, y'know? it was harmless water, not hot lava or something. my doctor agreed.





CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY




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