GOD'S SPELL: THE SELL

 

Bart Braverman: so, what are the highlights for you?

Jonathan Frakes: i wasn't paying attention because i was paying attention too much.

Bart: wait, is this...?

Debralee Scott: NO no no no no!!! defer to Debra, today is April 1. that's it. it's JUST the first of the month.

Debralee: i love when you eat the leg of that starlet, Bart. RAWR, i wish that was MY leg!!! *faints*

Jonathan: i mean i don't know, that one black person in your Godspell company with the fro, i truly can't tell if he's a man or a woman.

Bart: did you like it when i started playing my flute? Godspell was the inspiration for The Legend of Zelda.

Blue Thunder: turns out British soldiers WERE at Vietnam...

Melissa Maker: i'm pregnant. 

Chad Reynolds: the universe is dying to know, who's the lucky bastard who filled you up after me?

Melissa: it's a secret. let's just say i was craving pickles and this man knew how to open a pickle jar.

the Vlasic stork: ...

Chad: did he pull your hair? sorry.........it's just, i never got to pull your hair...

Neil deGrasse Tyson: yes, the universe is dying...

Dormeo: you had no idea we were celebrating our 20th anniversary...

PM Dawn "Looking Through Patient Eyes": it's not the Fire Nation, it's '90s Jesus for you, you, yes it's true...

John Hughes holding a boombox over his head: say anything, take a chance, take a swing, no more status-quo days, do something different with different people, kiss a stranger, actually type words in his DM...

LeVar Burton: i got into books because i couldn't countenance what i was doing as a detective. i couldn't as a matter of law stop the PHAT beat Cameo was laying down in "Word Up." i went to my local bakery downtown and my adventure began...

I. Magnin: where you went for socks if you went to a magnet school.

Lucio Rossi: i always thought that was magnum school, as in magnum condoms. now i was smart enough to go to that school. but unlike most Italian men, i was clumsy and awkward and nerdy. i didn't play soccer, sorry, Azzurri, i can't help you now!!! my hair was a clunk. i had a bubble butt, not a bubble penis.

Steve Zissou: i shoot blanks so i can't be your father.

Ned: i'm not a fan of yours so this isn't an obsessed stalker situation. i was just a very lonely boy and then man. my mother did commit suicide but that had nothing to do with you. i was a Ned who NEEDED.

Steve: yeah all that seawater seeped into my balls. but wait, who knocked up Cate Blanchett?

Ned: me, retroactively...

Jen R: look down.

me: what. don't hit my nose with your finger.

Jen: no, you're not even noticing that you're wearing the grey jogging pants. you cummed in your pants, i can see your massive wet spot from across the street.

me: how do i get people to take me seriously?

Jen: you have to look the part. get people to be distracted by another part of your body.

Jen touches my frizzy hair half-fro and it turns into a luxurious Japanese pompadour.

Jen: it's Jigen's hair from Lupin III!!! when he finally takes off that Clint Eastwood hat!!!

Victor Garber: i'm Jesus Christ.

Jonathan: a bit arrogant are we.

Victor: and i'm gay. and i'm Jewish. think about those two things in a Jesus.

Jennifer Garner: Jesus liked redheads, CHERRY redheads. 

Victor: the S on my chest stands for Savior, i swear!!! it's not Superman, we're not dealing with any of that fraught Nietzsche Superman stuff here on Godspell. i'm wearing the first jewfro. i wear rainbow clown pants to fit in with my fellow humans. 

Victor Garber as Jesus dances along the rill contorting his body like a water pump.

Victor: *singing* I don't need a plumber/ unless it's Mario/ i got my own wrench/ that came from the barrio/ look at me singin' and dancin'!!!/ soon you can tell/ that what i'm doing here/ is the swanky swell sell!!!