TMIT: I'VE STOPPED BEING POLITE, I'M STARTING TO GET REAL

the internet's sole purpose is quite clear, huh? it was made for cat pics, that's it. nothing beats cat pics. nothing ascends to the level of importance the way cat pics ascend. once you have cat pics, you are happy, sated, and satisfied, and you question no more. that guy from The Real World on MTV used to be my hero, but i won't mention his name after what happened. hey, i believe i even threw in a Harry Potter cat up there :) all cats are magic, though, not just the black ones.

1. create your perfect job. what do you do? get paid...to write...about tv shows...films...good, obscure indie films that no one sees...art in general...but i don't just comment on the art...i create the art...'cause nobody likes someone who's just a critic and never tries it themselves...also, food, i like to eat...i'd blog about food if i got paid for it...also, what's up with professional poker players?...i mean, that's an actual thing...that's a job, to play poker...what's next?...people who play tennis as a job?

2. what person has changed you for the better? besides the obvious mom and dad, i have to say a certain cool dude i met in college who was just so fucking cool, i mean it was his world, we were just living in it, but instead of being an asshole with all this power, he was cool, self-deprecating, and funny. did i mention he was cool? we used to ride the BART together where he would instantly make friends with all the other stranger passengers with his flipping, magic tricks, and topical humor. he couldn't sit still, he had to roam back and forth along the subway-car hallway until the trip was over. he would work at some unknown corporation building on the 18th floor. he off-handed to me once, "3PM isn't closing time, it's when i get out of jail." after my incident, he was the only one who cared enough to meet me in person at 7-Eleven and tell me everything was cool, don't stress out too much about life, always joke at any and every situation you are in, life sucks, so laugh about it, don't fret about it. unlike my therapist and tv ads, he didn't bullshit me with "it'll get better"---he was a realist---but his armor was the funny, and i've come to adopt his philosophy over the years. i miss him. i ride the BART alone sometimes when i'm up there in memory of him, trying to put on my smiley emoticon, not my sadface. wonder where he is now...

3. cat person or dog person? see above. if there's one thing that's true about me, and there is only one thing that is true about me, it's that i love cats...i'm a straight man who loves his kitties...well, y'know what i mean...yeah, i know it works with both meanings...

4. who is your favorite relative? why? i don't talk much to my relatives anymore, not after the betrayal. was it too much to ask to get the diet soda? i mean, anyway...whatever...water under the bridge...i'm not sure where i come from, actually. the data says the Netherlands and El Salvador, but i just feel that there's a bit of The Moon in me.

5. mop the floor or iron clothes? "I'm gonna mop the floor with ya!," said the man in the iron clothes.

sorry, bit of multitasking here...got an audition at noon.

6. which would you rather have, a swimming pool or a gardener? why? i don't need a gardener, i like having my weeds pile up and grow high so my fort is left secluded and hidden, love the peace and quiet. but then it gets too quiet, too quiet in my head and my thoughts start to wander and race...pool party! pool party! pool party! i need a distraction! pool party!

bonus: are you better at giving or receiving oral sex? i don't want to be that guy, but...what exactly is oral? is that the thing with the toothbrush?

and just to be perfectly clear...what is sex?

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