PSSST, CAN I TEXT YOU SOMETIME?

i'm no gadget head freak
just a simple man who knows what he likes
or rather, sees what he sees
on that count at least, there's no lie

she's my newest next big babe
internet muse for a day
release comes early
CLICK HERE FOR BODYSUIT, AND PRAY

that's a saucy commercial
for when it's just me and my Hand
when the distractions aren't enough
the video-on-demand's not demanding enough

searching in the search box comes up empty
AND THEN YOU AND I CLICK HERE
and suddenly those tight pants she's wearing
saves the day

will you be mine, dear reader?
who will replace my Hand?
tonic bottles drunk, no pill refill
comfort me from this strange land







.

MUSIC MONDAYS: AND I DON'T EVEN DRINK HEINEKEN

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE









memories: admit it i do, i got this off the commercial. well, this is a first on MUSIC Mondays, for i've only known about this song for a week or so, so i don't have any hard-won years of psychological damage from it yet.

feelings: thus, let's just proceed with the song, you and i together, and experience it for the first time, shall we? okay, it starts off, snare drum to the max, the coolest of the drums...y'know, i never got into this whole fascination with the rat pack era, that time just doesn't do it for me like it does for others like seth macfarlane, so oh well, i suppose i'm uncultured like that...okay, those hippie pants she has on, now those REALLY DO DO it for me, wink wink nudge nudge...woah, she's gonna fall off that galactic high wire, watch out! oh, she made it, phew that was close...help! there's a giant blonde trying to eat me...reminds me of last night...in the waterbed

structure: the grooviest beat you could ever groove to, even if you were grooving to grinding out gravy while grooving, dig? also, her vocals are like a pixie, but not a pixie you catch and cage up, a pixie you worship from afar

final: what's your drink of choice when you're feeling lonely and hopeless? heineken?









.

SUIT ME UP, COACH, I'M ENTERING IN FOR THE SLAM DUNK

CLICK HERE FOR THE ONLY HIGHLIGHT FROM THE DRAFT









.

BETTER LIVING THROUGH CYBER

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE









i love weddings. they are the best part of a marriage. it's all downhill after that, but for this one day, we can all pretend that it's gonna last, that all of our career and sex dreams will come true through this, that the institution isn't built upon a last-second 2am call to my brother or a last-minute 3am booty call from your sister.

i'll probably never get married, but i thank al gore everyday for inventing the series of tubes known colloquially as the INTERNETS. there, i can experience anything life in the real world has to offer indirectly. my INDIRECT is YOUR direct, all of my experiences are through a screen, while yours, lucky one, are culled from the fresh air outside. VIDEODROME, anyone? my GHOST IN THE SHELL cyber-brain has now been fitted into my head, i am a computer being. i no longer have to cut my fingernails, my flesh has been made wire.

as you watch this trendy cool vid, never mind the irony that a CHRIS BROWN song is playing...no no, don't trouble yourself with such concerns, just eat another piece of that wedding cake...mmmmmmmmm, that wedding cake is good, huh? yeah, freeze that sucker up for posterity...in three years, you can eat it again, if you've survived the divorce, cutting, and debt, that is.









,

MUSIC MONDAYS: SELL ME...FOR A DIME(PIECE)

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE




oh, and stay tuned after the song...for a little musical surprise!

memories: forgot about this one. heretofore, i pictured rock stars as hard, unfeeling, only caring about themselves, what vase they could break in hotel rooms, what chord did they need to pursue to achieve that perfect rock sound, the selfish pursuit of fame...then, i hear this, and i get misty-eyed while sitting on my eighth-grade bench. i wipe away the embarrassing tears hurriedly, making sure no one sees me to beat me up. as i chew down on the last bit of string cheese after eating lunch alone once again, my hypothesis is confirmed: rock stars do have hearts, and are worthy of my following. from then on, i strove to pattern my meek life after rock stars, or more pointedly, musicians. has it worked out? fuck yeah, look at me now typing away at this anonymous internet blog post, i'm winning!!!

feelings: sell me down the river...didn't exactly know what that meant when i first heard this song as a youth. i imagined i imagined a vision of a river, and tobogganing down it like that tobogganing video game, remember that one? it was pretty lost on me then...now i catch the reference more, i feel it more, i've had six years of history under my belt, so the river becomes for me a river of tears, a river of pain, the concept of man betraying man. it's poignant, bro, that's the bottom line...

structure: it starts out maudlin...then that beautiful guitar chord comes in. y'know, i haven't since heard THAT particular sound in any other music i've listened to, that way the boys get the guitar to sound...it's sloppy, like it's running water spilling all over the place, it's unique and special that note, like every one of us. the song progresses, and do my ears deceive or is that violins i hear joyously strumming in the background? finally, the strong chords come in, the hardness sounds up, and it all ends with scott's deep emotional vocals

final: hi, what's up? has summer swallowed you up yet?




.

THE DAY POLITICS WENT FROM BORING TO INTERESTING...OR, NEVER DISCUSS POLITICS OR RELIGION, AS THEY SAY...

CLICK HERE, HERE, RIGHT HERE









.

MUSIC MONDAYS: HERE, FIDO FIDO...

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE





memories: well, this gem is the opening theme song to the anime WOLF'S RAIN. this is music monday, not another anime post, so all i'll say about WOLF'S RAIN is that you better watch it, every episode, you might have caught it on adult swim, cartoon network, but if not, do it...do it, and only then will i JOIN YOU IN PARADISE ;)

feelings: this is the ultimate THROWBACK song, huh? it sounds like it was created during the '80s, that's what's so cool about it. i tend to find that when you try to sound like a different era than the one you're in, it rarely works, the tell-tale signs are all there, you try too hard. this works, though, it's a stadium anthem, something you'd hear in the background while you were playing your first game of pac-man at the arcade, chomping down on some greasy cheese fries, tampering with your braces, fucking your lot in life but still recognizing that this pac-man thing is cool, and the touch of that joystick on your palm is REALLY REALLY pleasurable...

structure: again, it's this whole vibe of energy, being alone, a stray in the world like the wolves in the anime are, fighting for yourself and your rights on the mean streets, running. you, too? yeah, the running thing, the beats are urging you on to run, to run away and find your gold.

final: i'm just glad i was able to post today. between safari, firefox, and chrome, my computer was fucking fritzing again. oh well, what other songs do YOU like that are throwbacks, that are composed in this modern era but sound like they were made decades ago?




.

TACO BELL ROLE PLAY

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE




we're about to do important work here. after watching this commercial, it's clear that we must help Mike bag...i mean, win the heart of...Denise. i mean this is Denise, people, the most gorgeous taco bell employee of all time. the grand elders have continually warned us that such a babe simply doesn't work at taco bell, that it's all a hollywood trick, but i disagree. denise is the standard, and one day, i'll walk into my local taco bell as always, and she'll be there, asking cutely if i want mild sauce with that. hasn't happened yet, wonder if i should broaden my horizons and maybe visit a different taco bell in another state, but no, that would venture into stalking i suppose. oh denise, with those careless eyes and devil-may-care attitude about beef, i'm sure if i smelled your hair it would smell of seasoned cheese rather than lilacs.

okay, so put yourself in the position of Mike from the commercial, and role play. what would you say as Mike to finally get the attention of the damsel denise so you two crazy kids could go on that first date to mcdonalds?




.

MUSIC MONDAYS: I WANNA SEE EVERYONE DANCING

FIRST, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE





memories: i fancy myself a music expert, a record connoisseur? well, it's more like i have so much downtime i've been able to fill my head with the most obscure bands, limited-edition copies, and basically ANY songs and singles, ANY genre, i can get my hands on. i must confess, however, i probably didn't discover this delicious track when it first debuted on the radio or anything, i like most must have first heard it in a car commercial or something on tv. oh well, the bottom line is you do hear it, then you do some research to find it, then you really hear it as a track, as it was meant to be heard as part of an album, and you exhale that you've experienced this awesome dance beat. and, of course, i've actually danced to this, so there was a bodily, physical help here as well as the exercising of my brain, my brain of useless facts

feelings: what can i say? you feel it, right? YOU FEEL IT AS YOU LISTEN, RIGHT? START DANCING, PEOPLE!!! EVERYONE, DANCE 'TIL YOU DROP...LEAVE YOUR COMPUTER SCREEN AND DANCE UP THE WALLS TO THIS....AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

structure: what an intro! the song starts off with those epic-sounding first few drawn-out notes, it sets you up, you know you're in for a treat when that fucking beat drops...and the BEAT drops and you're off and running...and dancing. love when that jazzy piano starts in on it. yeah, it's all good, folks, this is the way to exercise those last few pounds off, huh? oh, and i must mention her voice, it's so strong, clear,and forceful with its message of hope. y'know, yes, this is dance music, but it's not *just* dance music, it's so good that it deserves its own category, like *dance music plus one*

final: DANCE, BABY, DANCE, THAT'S ALL THAT MATTERS IN THIS WORLD...





.

OLD TROLL > NEW TROLL

CLICK HERE FOR GANDALF ON ACID









.

PORN LESSONS: DORM PORN, OR *COLLEGE!!!*, AS TONY REALI WOULD SAY

tony reali, top pic, from espn's AROUND THE HORN




NOW, CLICK HERE, WARNING!!!: NSFW PORN




i've showcased this couple before on one of my long-since-dead blogs, but i keep going back to the well because these two are just perfect. nothing like that first college fuck, huh? perhaps it was your first truly free sex, free from the ties that bind back home, whether family, religion, upbringing, standards, whatever. also, nothing like that homemade porn, huh? real, true, breathing, not made with plastics and cheap lighting and paid actors.

highlights:

* they're sexing it up in the dorm room, the perfect little room for a shag, with some women's world cup soccer in the background. that's prime, that's hardcore, i love it, none of this uefa champions league stuff, we're doin' this for the ages, for the record books

* i'm with the commenters, love her expression as she slides onto his rather sizeable unit, that's priceless and pure lust. now see, if i had had more of these kind of experiences in my college days, i'd...well...my life would be now, more...oh forget it, i'm a lost cause

* i often like to give those in the porn backstories. i'm figuring the dude is an athlete, lacrosse maybe? he seems used to getting a boatload of ass, this chick is probably just one off a list, might not even be his steady girlfriend. the girl is...well, hot first of all...maybe she ran away to college because living on the wrong side of the tracks proved too much for her weak-hearted father...after a final confrontation that escapes the papers, she storms out of her father's house, her town, and charges to college intent on starting over, making a name for herself, and finally living free and according to her desires. i really have WAY too much time on my hands...

* the portion where she does the monkey-bars, holding on to the bottom of the top of the bunk there for leverage. you never know, what you learn in your youth can come back to help you

* the slapping of the ass, that's nice, that's when you realize and know you're having a good screw

* finally, as he prepares and strokes and finally cums, cums right into her mouth, right on the kisser there, i think the audience, you and me, male or female, well, we ALL release at that moment, huh? yeah, it's fun



1. what sporting event do you like to have in the background when you're gettin' it on?

2. what would be your backstory...as a porn character?




.