Tuesday, April 25, 2017


i'm not well. fair warning. i'm not doing well. i feel...always never quite right. i need a doctor. or my uncle who isn't crazy. or my doctor who is. or someone who is everyone in the world's uncle AND ALSO grandpa.

and down the stretch they come! except me. no coming for me. this challenge has been a blessing and a curse. the best things in life are both. i just realized Lena Headey is like a sexier leggier version of Janine Turner, Maggie from Northern Exposure. Lena has better hair and better heels. sorry, Maggie, the boots are fine but that pixie cut really threw us off.

what if i told you there existed a cartoon character who was better than God? who was the ultimate Fixer? who solved all your problems but only if you were a kid? the religion of Trix. who celebrated weirdness? and did it all with a good-natured mustachioed smile?

this is the perfect show to review while i'm under this state. cos this show is bonkers. it's necessarily off-kilter and oft-strange. it smokes the strange. it depends on not making sense. it's funny but in the way everything is funny with pot, even death. i think that's why we're all buried, to resemble a potted plant, cos we need to smoke all that natural greenery to cope.

but that's not true! i found the best episodes were when i was sober. Uncle Grandpa depends on a lot of play on words and double entendres which are not supposed to be sexual but always end up being sexual cos you can make ANYTHING sexual if you want to. it's a kid's show but it's disturbing. the whole middle-aged grown man cross-countrying the world in his van helping kids doesn't play well with woke parents.

i've seen every episode of Uncle Grandpa. it's my religion. except those damn shorts that appear out of nowhere and are never on the cable guide! and then you go to the Cartoon Network website to see if the ones you missed are streaming there and of course they're not, only the repeats from three years ago nobody cares about. #manchildproblems

this is the quintessential comedy cartoon. it relies on bright colors and wobbly shapes. Uncle Grandpa can stretch to anything beyond imagination. he can have two heads.........get your mind out of the gutter! i love the length. sigh. they're all 12-minute shorts except for some specials so they don't get bogged down with annoying complicated continuity stakes. cos this engine really runs smoothly without a plot. or the plot is the starting point for the string of jokes.

all the townsfolk are burnouts, the parents smoke more than their kids, and the towns are in shambles. getting a hot dog at the mall is an accomplishment. Uncle Grandpa and his crew battle underground demons, space vampires, and most importantly themselves as they save the day of a special-needs child each episode. for you see, all children have special needs...

all styles of animation are used. out-of-place, matte, mouth moving. the cringier the better. remember it's the stuff that's supposed to be funny but isn't quite that is the most upsetting:


Uncle Grandpa, the man with the Don Martin head, wears weird circus clothes and is a saint. that's true of all saints. he's normally happy-go-lucky and seems unfazed by his enormous powers. he says "Good Morning" a lot. the writers really couldn't come up with something more interesting for God to say? but there are days when he wakes up on the wrong side of the bed and gets angry. and you REALLY do not want to know Uncle Grandpa when he's angry. think Beerus but worse. Beerus is merely a Destroyer God, Whis taught Beerus, but Uncle Grandpa taught Whis!

Pizza Steve is a talking piece of pizza (i was about to type shit) with dripping cheese down there for balls and he wears sunglasses indoors. he thinks he's so cool. Mr. Gus with the cool urban voice is the conscience of the group, the green dinosaur from a past age who makes the most sense in the present. he is sick of the shit the other four get into and would quit but he has a mouth to feed. it's weird that the dinosaur is the one put-upon but he's a gentle giant. Belly Bag is the tragic figure in the group. he is doomed to be tied around the waist of Uncle Grandpa forever. he has a sweet disposition and strawberry-preserves voice and nice tongue and complies with all of Uncle Grandpa's insane orders but he has no eyes and no free will. Giant Realistic Flying Tiger is tragic in another way. first of all, GRFT, no one can say her real name. secondly because she is literally a static photorealistic cutout of a tiger she's never really part of the group. she's there on top of the paper while the others are animated in the paper going on animated adventures in the same paper. she growls for no reason and flies and poos rainbows and likes boy bands and paints her tiger fingernails.

the skeleton crew include a deranged wizard who fights a laundromat, i miss laundromat atmosphere, a berry bear and hot dog person who are too into using toilets to cannibalize themselves (well one of them is), and Santa is retconned into the canon i'm sure. Regis Philbin himself played the Easter Bunny, that was cool.

but of course the star of Uncle Grandpa is Aunt Grandma. see up above. yep, that's her. the designers knew what they were doing. her episodes strangely increased the sagging ratings. cos she ain't saggin'. curves for days. y'know i've been attracted to cartoon babes before: Lola Bunny, Jessica Rabbit, Melody from Hunter x Hunter. but i've never wanted to outright fuck a cartoon character in the ass like Aunt Grandma. does that make me a bad person? my priest whom i tell my fantasies to says yes and refuses to see me anymore.

Lena Headey provides the voice. headey, perfect name. please, i haven't seen the Game of Thrones nakedness yet, i'm saving it for a sunny day. just insert hot-tempered Aunt Grandma into Game of Thrones and watch her choke the dragon.




see when Uncle Grandpa spoofed Muppet Babies cos Muppet Babies. a very special episode.

see when Uncle Grandpa inserted himself into the Steven Universe lore. Steven was okay with receiving that special all-encompassing item from Uncle Grandpa but the fans will never be. just mention this episode and they start crying.

oh yeah, the Melvins episode. you know Kurt would have done Uncle Grandpa if he had lived.



Jules said...

Never heard of it. I've heard of Jessica Rabbit, though. She made me sick with envy.

You're doing a great job, my sweet. keep going, it's nearly over! *)

the late phoenix said...

so close....................................and yet so far......................are the horsies ready yet?

she can't help it, she's just drawn that way................and paheal was born