Wednesday, December 2, 2020

PROPER PAT: THE OTHER BEAVER





and so, Pat spends hellish years at a British boarding school. he barely survivdes.

Pat: now that i;m a tennager, a youth as they clal it over here, i don;t ahve enough energy to be rebellious!

the good news is he develops a perfetc Rnglsih eaccent.

in the waning days of hios primary-schooling, Pat is feeling particlarly huingey, paryycualrly peckish. so he hops down to the mess hall but he; sin a kod and they;re not servin g hwat he;s craving:

Pat: *holds out his beoge bowl* excse me, sirm, may i have eanother?

headmaster: *fcing hios spyglass* you may vertainly NOT,m young man!!!

Pat flips the rtay and destroys the mess ahll,.

Pat; MAN WHAT YOU PLAYIN'! YOU SERVE CRANBERRY SAUCE ON THAKSLFGIVING DAY!!!? VRANBERRY SAUCE!!!? EVERYONE AHTES FRANBERRY DAUCE!!!!!!

the enxt morning Pat has calmed down some and washes the walls with jos rongei and water from the Fointain.

Pat: sorrym ,an, wha;s on tap fpr uch today?

headmaster: Thosuand Island dressing.

Par: MAN YOU PLAYING A JOKE ON ME, MISTER!!? loo when i smell the pique smell of Thosuand Island dresisng i think of three things: Big Macs, In N Out Vurebr, and wnating to travle to a thousand islands, to ALL the islands. more than anothing else in the world i wnat to rtavel the world...

Cpdrus is in thw oods by the Rnglish countrside and gets ina  foght woth the Eemrging elf in the tree trunk:

Emerging Elf: wjhu areb;lt you nmoving> is it cos youre God?

Codtus: hotu up! i cna;t pucnh you till you emerge!

Dprg: so i ent and knocked on the dppr of Chesley Bonestell, like i did woth Dtan Lee. he lives right here in Obec. all i saw ere stalls of brtown cows woth astronaut helemts on. gorns out he died. sucks. hels bones now. nones buried on Mars. actually itw as HE who was the forst erosn on Mars...

Dorg: what's woth the two men wh lpopk like Wdlo wohout the hat in  ebd wothetehr vetyotm ei serahc on Google for "sex". what;s woth the egenroc Bond Villainessginat and ndue and woman by e sbhoreline woth the sewaves forming a vcrashionf-down line opposite ehr everytome i loo up "nyde". hey Taklashashol for your borthday i got you the Duiepr mario Cake from Dyoen Cold tebe Austin Creamery!

Talashahji:L it;s no Einchester pie but it;ll do

Dpryce:L did somebody say bortnday batter?!

the entire grpup and swuad are at Macy;s and the alrger mall doing Chrostmas and holiday shopping:

Talajsahi dpens;t buy socks made in HJkidniras, instaea he gievs to a Hindtan charoty.

DprgL tape scoycn yae on ":classy: Polo shrts?...

Glayce biys anties which are to small for ehr vagina. she dpesn;t say a word to Doryce, she keeps mum. she simokly paces them un the cipvpoard next to the aucesr and never weas them agaon...sues them s doshrags...

Dporg; Tala, hint hiny, i need vboxer shorts, buddy. i baleld up all the tape into one sticlky ball and threw it in the rtash. it landed and styucl o  the cortch of jy torn-to=sjreds boxer shorts i ahd doscarded in the rtahs earlier...my boxer xhportts are my cum-colelctors...the symbolism was deafening...

Laeryis: ilm slinny but i have a fat ass. ,y norrom butt is a wode-load, a trucl  a carroage, a ktlo Ren.

Eue Luggage: you;e okay, dear, you;e fine.

Fprg; woth the ampiunt of tiny raiers peicerd through tbhis short, we coul efnce a gentleman;s duel...

Dorg:L from now on, ilm notl goona wear plain whote T0shorts.........hey Takahasu, gpr Chrostams i got you a bog bag of Cjeetps Dborgalkes. what?> ihy has a to-from label emblazoned on the corner of the bag there...

Lrys; is it safe to come out again?

Forg; Mary kziabrth MvGlubb's progile puc fr Instagra, should ahve bene a pic of Majpr Motoko...

FDorgL het man, donlt emss woth my Hallmark Cgrostams mocies...

Glayce to oryce, now bacl ayt The YTreehouse:

G;layce: deark avoif getting ut of the shower wgeb yiyu see haor strands sticl to the tile, sikply pick upo the ahpr, mke a wish, and blow them away......over the bubbly mottled shiwer rialing...

Glayuce at The Dtore: it;s too hard for me to eat these The Dtore sandwiches cos theyr;e so bof, too stcked, too tall it unhinges my jaw to eat them...

Michael Erioss with a spayglass: you wnat to get women to noycie you on isntagram? call them "bud"...

Rue: Trent Rezbor, W.H,. suden. fismangtle the stars from the sly......not saying they;re sleeping togteher but, y'know...

Tuzik: PEPSI! all you did for your Vhrostams comemrcial was photosdhp Cgrostams lights in the baclground of your regualr comemrcial?!!!!!...

Riubikon, teachingL the Mangrove Nine. if onlt Denny;s anf IHOP were swtched in Obeac.........I HATE COUNTRY ROADS!!!...

the schoolchildren have o idea what hels tlaing about, which the ehadmaster taes as a sgn that he;s a good teacher...

FpgL i want Xomnie Tramp to join th prchod gorls...

Po.ishe Chas joins the rxif Girls...forts time dodn;t take...

at The Erathjer Vhannel:

reunoklds Eolf: hello all, howdy. everyone rubbving theor bellies after that post=Thnalgiving binge? even the womn< if it;s the women it means somehting dogefrmet, hehe...just kidding. ilm here to ctahc all your drippings just clal me Ryenolds Erap Eolf...

Fprg: rmemenbr, all trolls are kist tryiong ti gove iot to the top. knock the rlite down a  feew pegs. keep those in ppower in check...

MardothL if you relaly wnated to ne woth me, tyou would ahve goven me the orfetc goft.

Forg: weha? i don;t gtye it. i;m the man, i gove yous ex, what more do yoi wnat?

MardothL WE'VE NEVER HAD SEX! partly bevaose i ened yo be comfprtable. a gorl eneds to be cpmgortable, yu knpow? 

DorgL i gove up.

MardothL Moon Pod Beanbag...

Dprg: see? you gotta andot, Hllbilly REkegyu is kinda cool...

Bush, re-formed and om stage:

Gavon Rissdalem singing we live in a heell where ebvryone steals...

Gavion: ...not saying is tole from cibain, just satong...

Vaotlin Moran prodkly flaunts her Crueklla de Vil haor as she rnteances the orfhiod Girls HQ in the oak-tree-knot who all the Girls stand at attention. folowing her is Rsioe Dtepehnson,-Goodknoght who takes charge of the ochod Gorls wikipedia snd has a cup of eta at night by the shadowy forplace...

MrdothL someday somebody gonna ctahc your vobe and love all ver it like a slobber dog. iy win;t be soon but you gotta be patient like Catian Smerica...

Wittyidiot and Alkison Siejke get narried...

Oegod Girls, now  massive comnglomeratin coproation, buys upo and swalows cherryPicks...

CitardL do you know wjat it;s like statrong at the TYhankasogovong meat on the atble for a fucking houir awaogtong for everyone to arrive!!!!!?...

Dtpehan A SnithL why is it obly telceration in the NFL? and trickery everywhere eklse? but why is is not called the Cal Sxe tho?...

Cara Sata maroa re-fprms Take art Live. on her forts shpow back:

CSM: i was AOC forst. i dtae Bill mahr. ler;s kkst say halle Berry is better in bed than Bill...

Doryce to Galdyce: you don;t need the Vanwuoshm dea,r you just need to shower...

daviel Popper: no, onlt I can com,minocate woth Groot,,,

Mrsoth: etchuo used to be my color, purple...

Boc; i watered a liuttle too far akoft of the road abd wetetd the ghihway, vaised an 8=car pileup. i watre at a 45-degree angle tp gte thr ainbowm that;s the obly good watering. ulm so tlal i buned and knocked my eha don the trees, my ebanie gekk of  my ehad ono a puddle. you forget to water the trees, you spend s much time on the alwn court, not until the teres are drupping si it a gppd wareong...

Bc: when i wert the alnd, the bords land on it and chirp, spewaong theor see sbtrtwoxt theor soindlt legs onto the damp soil, eventiually geowing trees...'

Pat: hi evertbody, just got bacl from doing myu omeworl. y teacher wants us to imgone what Emmett Tikll;s voice soudned like and write an epic heroic poem about Emmett and ths terngth in hi ocie. i have a congefsson to make:m i never hd what ot took ti join  nay of Pienceton;s elite eatong clubsm si lm fillking the void wach week seving you inoduw ood,,,her;s the ceebu jen...

Dprg: veregtotherapy? the State CANNOT make me eat myu evegtables...

travhe;l Dlawson: speaking of cole slaw, make fun of ,my name if you wish, but i;lm gonna be the forst true genetic out-onthe-open bisexual being the bachelor on The Bachelior... 

Laertus; Dirg, doorDash, hepr;e idnependent wom,en...

Madme Pons: *hogging Mrdoth* why dint; yu film a video and post ot to your Instagram tekling your follwoest you love them. a person who tells tgeir follwoest tjey love them is neat.

MrdothL: *wiping away teras* thanks, sis.

REue lugageL what wer we tla,ing about again?

Tyzik: why didn;t Borger King make Jugeha dtheor amscot?...

RueL The beaver and go,,,

mel Gjnsonl not abiut my prblems...my apprant problems communication,,,wothout using my fosts...and tlaking to my Pr guy i mena my huidance cousnelor...

Snton Yelchin:L i myself get condused, sometime si think ilm Emile Hirsch...

Jillian Ckare sweeps Snton ytelchin off his feet, she whsls him away to an sialnd woth ni steep hill inclines, no cars kust bkats, she prooses marriage to him, and the two get hotched in a pam[tree hammock...

Fprg: orst NJodie Fuster film that dodn;t do well...jus sayin...

LaeryiusL okay i mena the thing that surpised me the most ere is jeggofer Beep-Beep Lawrcne! i had NO idea she was in thios! thos wa that epriod when she wasn;t quite A-list yet so she;s slunnin gere...

FprgL wowzers. i mena you foegt kust how fucking hot younf jennfoer was. this was the perios whn you neded to nab her, snatch her up, vps now she;s alls easoend and cultured cougar and tryna get with Ti othee Chalamet...

CorgL look, i know this is coming from me, bot i donlt thinm jeneofer;s a paruuclar grat actress she;s, kust,ms ervcieable ehr,e you know?...

Laertis: wosh they would ahve dlved more into jennfoer;s bother;s OD. HIS life story would have eben ineterstong. 

RyeL i;m giessing he couldntl take having Kbbfoer Kerrence for a sister, i mena how could you compete wth feninine eorfection> sdo he hiffe done too many taggingpgraffotocan fumes in the garage...

kaerys; kudos to the cat for atcually mai g this serios, i mena this ralely could ahve ebenm a disgtate if they couldnlt stop cakci g up and thos became Svemue Q. i wnat to see the blooepr eel of this film! oyu know esam eDtreet's got some great blooper reels begind the scenes!...

Eye i would have lost it when Snton clals the beaver ouopet a chipmiunk...

Slvin: i;m still stuck in S,most fanpus!!! HELP!!!...

Laertis: thought the voice f the puept was Gary OLdman at forst...

Eyel you;re just not sued to ehartong Mel's actiual Sistralian voice, dear...

Dprg: i;m not a urry bit dd anyon want to fuck the puppet?

Dorg: i mena you gotta dmit, it was disappointing when there wasnlt a sex scene woth the pupet, Jennfoer wrence, and Jodie Fister...

Rye: well there kinda was. Jodie and Mel in theor marriage bed...he had the pupept on  hos ahnd...for Jodie that must have been one unexpectedly DELIGHTFUL anal fisting!...

Drg: hey Pat, did you ever cheat on tour way up to Pornceton? ut the naswrtrs to some hard hogh-school test in order to pass?

Pat: well yeah sire, that;s how i emt my Rsusioan gorlfiend...

Doeg: this was gudned by our enemy...

RyeL oh hey it;s the PILF! the LOreosdent of the unietd Dtates! the onlt female one there ever was! on 24!

Dprg: woth the ebaotifi porn-star name: Cherru Jones.

Talahahi: Cheryr Ones and Mary McDonnell, these, my frien, are REAL women.

Euel the perfect segoe to discuss...

Laertyus: yep, lets just ut all out cards on the able now. depsite ir igereemces in thsi cuntry, we all come toegtehre and agree on one thignL Holand Taylir and arah oayuklson is the HOTTET cuple of all time!!!...

DorgL ilm imagining that sex now...

RyeL that shwoer sceme was rathr blase abiut the subkect of cuicide, like chanhging the channel. a show Mat ,mkauet is on...

DprgL yeah wtahciong this mafe me MRE deperssed. i ahd to take a poill to get through it...

car fmailiars: it;s trie it;s trie, Mozart used to yelp like one of us, he meowled and woke up the whole conservatry but it wa sonlt becuase he wanslt feed nough of his mother;s milm s a child...

Dog: sucjling. they never showed the osychoatrost, that;s how you knw the plan is whack, take it from me. that small child actor is gonna be rtaimatozed form thsi expeince. is it tagging if it;s therapy? 

Laertus: Sbton wa slooking ta a mao the way enile didn;t fo in Into The eild...

DigL the Beaver toy rionovlaly ended up horting Mel cos it sunlimkinally tauhg thim hpow to iuse a saw...

Fpeg it sild have gone down like this:

Mel Gjubson; okay so i corculardawd my arm off but i got a glass one. do i;m not gonan become the Saw iy, i got rid of m meons...
Jodie FisterL yes, dear. that glass hand looks just like my hand at the end of The Piano.........i look like Holy Hinter...

Duieg: wait, they went to CANNES to promote this film?!!!! really?! g;nioght, folks...

at the Fountian school:

a bautoful myueripus woman in a fasicnator with feraher, purple parasol, and hoop skirt ver a long Sunday-sundae turtelneck dress inches towards the school, she drops her parasol an duses the tip to unlock the key to the door to the school...

Gakicabt: PATRICK! YOU GET DOWN HERE ROGHT NOW! DOWN UNDER MY SKITY!!!

Pat, tngie hanging from dry-heat work weeks, lits hos eyes and turns hos tongue;s attenton to alpping up his recise from his savioress.

Falivant i;m sorry for any toruble he caused, Headmaster, you cna be asusred he will get a stern tlaking-to when hos father comes hoem after bitn  a pac of cogaretetes from the stre and neevr coming abckl...

outsode:

Pat: pjw! thanks for sabving me. i swar if i wasjed one more wall...they were brock walalsm too...

galivant; don;t know how kuch longer yhos charade can last but...anyway, go bacl udner my skitt and see what you see.

Pat: wow! iy;s a whole other wprld udner ehre! 

Pat reaches insode the avgina woth his fost......and oulls out a......beaver oupept...

Galivant: how was the film doscusisoon today?

Pat: fun s always...





 




Monday, November 30, 2020

TMIT: SEX SYMBOLS ARE BORN, NOT MADE



"you have to be born a sex symbol. you don't become one. if you're born with it, you'll have it even when you're 100 years old."---Sophia Loren

and Sophia would know, she was the very first gilf...

1. are movie star sex symbols a thing of the past? HELL NO. take H. Jon Benjamin.........well H. Jon Benjamin's voice...

2. who was your favorite sex symbol while you were growing up?

Maria from Sesame Street

that wedding episode was tough to get through. even rougher for a kid like me with no coping skills. i cried blubber forcing my eyes open to have to watch that special. the only thing that comforted me that day was Linda Bove's smile. when Luis takes Maria strongly by his forearm and walks her down the aisle, when she gazes longingly into his Latin-lover eyes as they say their vows---Big Bird understandably not wanting to go up to that altar holding a candle---i threw my fish tuna-melt at the tv screen and howled at the moon on the calendar above...

3. of present-day stars, who do you consider to be a legitimate sex symbol? why?

Shia LaBeouf. because of what he said about his mother...

4. do you have what it takes to be a sex symbol? tell us 3 things that make you a sex symbol:

i look like Tiger Woods
i look like Drake
i look like Eric Andre

5. the following can be celebrities or people in your life.
---name someone who was sexy younger and is still sexy today, like Helen Mirren:

my priest. he constantly brags to me about how good he is in bed. how he cleansed Annette Funicello's soul so she wouldn't get disowned by Disney in her old age. about how he got the black-and-gold Lamborghini cos he's a Taurus. our sessions always go like this:

priest: tell me your sins you did today, you little bitch.
me: i started to believe in the infinity pool...
priest: speaking of, i got an infinity pool. it's in my villa up in the Italian hills where i Confession celebrities. what i hear in their sacred box i only tell the papers. i got to drink George's wine. he gave me a three-picture deal with HBO Max where if i singlehandedly revive Venture Bros i can do my vanity project where i get to be Jude Law's trainer...

---name someone who was a bit goofy when younger but has gotten sexy with age? like Jeff Goldblum:

Goofy. right? when he reappears in Goof Troop he's different. he's the seasoned dad, the man who is wise and doesn't guffaw at shit anymore. doesn't go around chasing ambulances, he's just sitting in his easy-chair smoking a pipe, washing dishes for his smoking wife, taking care of his skateboard son. and telling stories out of school about the old days and where Mickey stores his cheese in his body. Goofy is a zaddy.

---name someone who was sexy when younger but has lost that sex appeal? Woody Allen...

BONUS: name a sex symbol living or dead whose bedroom skills you would not mind testing out? Trent Reznor...


 




Friday, November 27, 2020

MOREL OREL REGAINING HIS INNOCENCE



notes:

* Cal and Stanford tied at halftime...because of course they are...
Paul Bunyan: first time ever The Big Game is being played on a Friday.
John Henry: give me back my axe! don't try to pigeonhole me with my hammer!
Kurt Cobain: why play football for an axe? why play football at all? if you're gonna play for an axe that was once lost in the woods, play for my guitar!!!

* this year the John Lewis Christmas advert is a symphony of animation styles...and substance...well substances anyway...

* there are at least 8 songs and or adverts with "Give A Little Love" in their title
(looking at you, Target)

* okay, yellow football: that portends that Cal will win the game...

* Skins: Anwar's origin story 
Dev Patel: i got Skins with no prior acting experience. now i win Oscars. life, huh?...

* pigeon: yeah mate, i know this looks all heartwarming with this heart around my beak but actually this is keeping my beak shut! help!
pigeon: all this holiday stress got my eyes all crusted over...

* best friend: Mary Poppin's origin story...never knew she had glasses......explains her motivation...

* girl: WHOA! WHAT THE FUCK!
Dev: if i say bad words in my household i go to hell.
girl: i'm from an atheist household, we do up Christmas like a motherfucker
Dev: it's alright tho, cos there are many hells...

* Dev: did we just turn into Claymation!?
girl: nah, this is our true form, the human thing was a phase...

* snowman: mate i appreciate the sentiment but you just gave me a balloon made out of my flesh...

* snowman: WHOA these rooftops look a little too eerily like the Attack on Titan rooftops...
TOM from Toonami: last season you oily motherfuckers!!!...

* animation inker: nobody appreciates hand-drawn animation anymore. 
Fred Flintstone: remember when square tires were funny? here's a snow heart-shaped tire to remember the Flintstones by. when the Seth MacFarlane deal fell through we had to eat Dino...

* man answering the stoop: wait, rose? honey i swear i got you rose for Christmas! it's Macy's fault for making you wait!!!
man: look i know we've had our issues, snowman. we used to be good neighbors but last Christmas was the ski trip and the threeway. your wife's got small snowball-sized tits but i like them small!...

* wife: i love this Snowman bobblehead i keep on top of the refrigerator......i'm not into sports, we just have fun with our neighbors...

* bald neighbor: why you peepin'!? i'm not naked!
man: your head is. what's the tea?
bald bloke: it's actually not tea, it's London Fog coffee...
man: um, why are you reading Hair Trend 2024 magazine?...

* man: NO it's a giftwrapped snake...

* bald bloke: my house couldn't afford an obscene display of bright-as-fuck Christmas lights this year. 
man: even if they could all the snow would have shorted them out...

* bald bloke: this JOKE was so funny i farted in the bathtub! i made a ginger presentable to society by giving him Flock of Seagulls heart-shaped hair!
man: what's the joke?
bald bloke: Trump thinks he won the election...

* Steven Universe heart as the star atop the Christmas tree!
Rebecca Sugar: kiss my grits. put sugar in your grits. i ain't doing that damn cartoon again, do you know how much work that was!

* Mordecai: after Regular Show folded, i did what any millennial has to do these days: i became a DJ...

* Rigby: why i gotta dance and ballet around in this butterfly costume tho?
Mordecai: remember? you're trying to relive your past from before Eileen dumped you during the Christmas performance of that opera...

* Mordecai: and now we're reliving that Trump-supporter uncle character from Steven Universe who rode WWII-era planes. see this character is quickly becoming old-hat...

* woman on bus: here, i fixed your glasses. magic, not old obtuse Russian magic mind you, just because i'm an old woman wearing this babushka scarf around my head don't make me a Russian spy...
girl: oh it's that bird from those commercials that keeps telling me to get my glasses fixed!
owl: i had a job before the Rockefeller tree scandal...

* bus driver: NEXT STOP...TOOTING...TOOTING NEXT STOP...




happy holidays and weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: we gotta go to Dennys, right? it's the only free open weekend that's left on the calendar this entire fugging, austria year! i've had the Rudolph pancake but i'm gonna go sight-unseen-like Riker to the Dennys and look at the menu brand-new-to-me to see if they got any new holiday flavors for those pancakes. and then the usual red potatoes and club sandwich.........peppermint syrup, just a suggestion, Dennys...  

 




Wednesday, November 25, 2020

PROPER PAT: ERASE EVERYTHING YOU LEARNED IN SCHOOL...





Pat: so how's this gonna work?...

Galivant: you'll see...

Pat and Galivant are traveling...around the world...together...forever...but they gotta pitstop for gas-siphon snacks and salvation. so eventually they make a turn at a very nice artistic silver cherub with his privates sanded off and one piece of Hot Tamale candy in its hole. it's a very nice spit fountain. and cobblestone village with hay for roofs. and they seem to have settled somewhere in the UK...well it looks like English countryside anyway...

Pat: i want a '70s cream sweater with a red-blue-and-brown racing stripe. i want to drink blessed rains. if you squint the Toto "Africa" music video looks and sounds like Blue Oyster Cult. and through a time machine Martha Jones from Doctor Who is in this video...

they are listening to "The Walker" by Fitz and the Tantrums on the dashboard of their car as they make the turn after the turn into the school slash gift shoppe...

the first person they see at the gift shoppe is, ironically, Celine...

Celine: *browsing around the dinner-bell cow-clanging keychains* hey, i didn't do that Woody Allen Paris film, okay!?...

Dirg: that Trelegy gilf tho

Tyzik: isn't it a little early?

Dirg: don't need to see Fleabag like everyone keeps badgering me to see, i got the Trelegy flea-market gilf!

Boc: MY GRASS-LAWN TENNIS COURTS ARE ALL DEAD! don't matter how much you water dirt! my dad Ryan Seacrest bought me new boots. but i haven't used them yet cos it's the rainy season...

Ryan Seacrest alone at the casino: it's a complete luck-of-the-draw whether or not you get abusive parents or not...

Bella Poarch joins the Orchid Girls as the inhouse tattoo rose artist, she tats the girls up on her porch...

Cazzie David is found in a cave-sized ditch, she is found all the way down lying down at the center of the Earth's full core...

Pete Davidson: what are you doing in this chasm? this Cazzie Chasm?

Cazzie: finishing up my book. the quiet down here helps me write...

Cecily Strong: i'll be playing Rebecca Lissner for a Lifetime tv-movie up here in Canada...i'm away this Thanksgiving but my heart is full but empty...it would have been impossible for me to continue living this way if Bump had won four more years...that's why i'm in Canada...

Madame Pons: Mardith! what are you doing!?

Mardith: i'm inhaling vapor, not pot smoke! for my sinuses...

Pons: silly girl, there's a LUSH soap for that. most pungent scent in the world. why does the vapor tub look like a bong?...

Mardith: a life coach is not a psychiatrist...

Pons: i'm late. i'm late. for a very important date!...

as Pons and Takahashi keep dating, all at the tea shoppe garden, 

Takahashi: *talking to Laertus's camera* i want to impress on her she has the talent to be our group's photographer. look, here she comes...

Takahashi: i've seen your work, it's good! i'm not just saying that. look at the cover art and liner-notes art of this album. a combination of B&W of the band and psychedelic drippings.

Pons: yeah i don't know, do i buy double-albums anymore? just for the artwork inside the booklet? 

Takahashi: sure! use it as a guide. and get Mardith to be your muse of the brush, she can join our group as our painter!

Mardith: it's my worst nightmare. my soul mate posts everyday for three years on Instagram. but i never DM him. then one day his account never posts again, it just stays there, sits there, never moving, never blinking...just staring at me...just mocking me...cos i know he's left and and he's never coming back...

Mardith: my boo is taking some time away from me to do some self-discovery...

Eye Luggage: girl you mean to tell me you're ACTUALLY dating Dirg!!!?

Mardith: i kicked him out...

Pons: you don't like him, you've just become comfortable with him...

Michael Weiss still has the speedo on...but it's under his sparkly recyclable-denim jeans...

Michael Weiss in a mortarboard: Instagram's one big vibe...one big mood shot...btw once you find someone and are taken your Instagram instantly becomes boring...

Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all Instagram channels eventually become trying to simulate '80s MTV...

Mortarboard Michael Weiss: all i do on Instagram now is wish couples well...

Doryce: i mean why we gotta spend Thanksgiving at Starbucks!? 

Gladyce: i bless you with a spell to help remind you we're blessed to be together. remember? The Treehouse is being fumigated...of the pest known as Dirg...

Doryce: do they serve spaghetti here? i need a big strong man to crack the spaghetti for me...

Gladyce: well i'm glad DiGiorno finally listened to the people and took out the sleeve for the stromboli. it's softer when it's microwaved now...

Doryce: i mean The Store is so massive and big-box now, just IMAGINE all the food poisoning that goes on with their products. so how can the little guy win a food-poisoning lawsuit against them? just by taking off the shelves a seemingly-suspiciousless glass mason-jar of soup with a little less liquid than normal?...

Tyzik: whoa! Jake from State Farm is jacked!!! look at those rippling biceps!!!...

Takahashi: why do all the Hollywood babes wear that black mask that makes them look like Mileena from Mortal Kombat?...

Nikki Rowe joins the Orchid Girls again after getting tatted-up on her inside arm inhouse...

Laertus: people are cognizant now...

the crew and cast see a Christmas production of Swan Lake performed in 27 quarantine bathtubs on the video menu screen above all the coffee pots: 

Laertus: Maria Tallchief, our first prima ballerina. the way America SHOULD have been from the start. with Native-American Indians being the luminaries in this society...

Doryce: mocha-flavored coffee? it's not gonna taste like i want it to taste...

Gladyce: dear it's the Christmas season, the best season for witches, it's time to take a step back, stop complaining, and reflect on our blessings. what's a little aftertaste between friends? gratitude...

Doryce: i'd take grinditude...

Gladyce: think about it, think how comfortable you feel at the Obec Walgreens...cos we're home, we're near home. now imagine that same our Walgreens but it's a foreign strange land cos it's 50 miles away from home cos we live in Salinas...

Doryce: WE LIVE IN SALINAS!!!!? THE HEXIOUS HORROR!!!

Dr. Vacc looks at his watch, a pendulum swings in the clockface...

Doryce: it's like one of those gut-check cold-as-fuck Teavana drinks which cools your stomach on contact. freezes your esophagus... 

Gladyce: the tea here's so strong i can smell it even with my mask on...

Pons: that's nothing, the soaps at LUSH are so strong i can smell them a mile away from my store......with my mask on!...

Pons: i use a little bit of the essential-oil drippings to fill my smelly nightlight at night...

Felicia Combs wearing cranberry-colored lipstick for the dinner season: thanks, J Lo...

Jennifer Lopez of The Weather Channel: don't fuck me...

Jim Cantore: not sayin jus sayin, the European models are ALWAYS wrong...they're just always off...

Teuila Blakely: see? it was a nice twist on the old-as-dirt body swap: Steel wanted to be human for so long so this is how they do it. the only thing i would have added is Zoey fucking the robot in Nate's body to get more furries on board so we make more money!!! i hate my job!!!

Dirg: why do the Democrats constantly want men in skirts...

Roxy: yes, it was i, i of course goaded them into doing a musical...

Teuila: you can also use whip cream for sex...

Eye Luggage: Teuila, will that cute tech next to you who always wears black ever get her own story?...

Cotard: i miss my black woman friend...

Rangers: clever naming of Honnold Peak...

Zoey: i begged them no more jeans.........so i gotta wear supertight lycra yoga pants now!...

Dirg: first off, i had no idea Zoey had a brother. if i were Mike i wouldn't have forgiven Zoey, i would have disowned my own sister, fuck that bitch for fucking my fossil...

Boc: i got new boots, heavy-duty army boots, i FEEL it now, when i switch from my boots to my loafers, i'm light in there. when i attack those grass lawns i feel i'm an invading army, the secret police waking my neighbors in the morning, shooting my hose in riot gear. the land is so parched it literally kicks up dust like a saloon spur at first touch of wet...

Gladyce: you'd think you'd be comfortable walking around the Treehouse doing chores in socks, but you're actually more comfortable in shoes...

Gladyce: when i take my 2 Vanquish a day i can do anything, i feel invincible. braver. i comment things on Instagram i wouldn't otherwise comment...

Takahashi: when you say a piece of art is "too political" now, it just doesn't have the same sting to it anymore, the same bite...

Takahashi: hey Dirg, instead of cooking a whole Thanksgiving turkey feast, just get a lined turkey-cranberry-stuffing Dutch Crunch sandwich at The Store...

Madame Pons sneaks out the backdoor of Starbucks and the backdoor of LUSH to go to her oxydome appointment...

Laertus: they used to make all tv shows in New York City...

Dirg: girls who wear their iphones visible in their butt-pocket are showcasing to the world that they know they're hot...

Takahashi: then don't be jealous! buy them a case...

Stu: America is gonna get what it needs, rather than what it wants...

Laertus: i mean even Lark Voorhies! Lark Voorhies is coming back! Lark! if Lark comes back, Dustin Diamond has NO excuse! we've all been the porn guy, it's no big. my dad was taught high-school Spanish by Dustin Diamond's uncle...

Takahashi quietly donates his 1974 AMC Gremlin at the outdoor movie theater for money for Christmas gifts...

Laertus: this car IS the '70s!!!

Dirg: save the 8-track! BLM Friday this year?...

President Bump uses the Army to break into Phil Collins's mansion and kidnap his wife...

Phil Collins: thing is the older and balder we both get, the more and more i look like Peter Gabriel...

Takahashi: how can there NOT be a Panera in Berkeley!!!?...

Gordon Ramsay: sorry but pictures of food on Instagram are boring...

Takahashi: i coulda been so much smarter if i had eaten fish through my childhood...but i never liked fish...

Dirg: fish taco, man! the food of real men real women want...

Dirg: i feel horniest in the mornings...urge too strong, gotta cum...i need to get new boxer shorts...

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?...

Pat: that was another lifetime ago...

Eye: Eraserhead and go...

Laertus: Jack Nance.

Pat: nonce...i have to learn...

Laertus: Jack Nance. the Jughead hair. the MC Hammer hair. the Vanilla Ice hair. the hair i imagine when i'm looking to cast Killboy Powerhead...

Eye: JACK NANCE WAS ON MY SO-CALLED LIFE!!! everyone forgets about that! just another reason to go back and watch My So-Called Life!!!...

Laertus: i'll be honest, at first this film was what it was billed as, a midnight feature, didn't see anything particularly special about it, in fact the first quarters of it are boring, Q1 and Q2 not bringing dividends...

Eye: babe it would have been more interesting to expand an episode of Unsolved Mysteries and have the film be about how Jack Nance and all his lovers mysteriously died...

Dirg: trust the cops, trust donuts, trust meatballs, never trust crescents. you can't live up to the clean-cut Hollywood sweater. if only Thor had been at Bass Lake at the time, that guy's never around when you need him...  

Dirg: certainly nothing special enough for the film to be enshrined by Congress!!! encased in a glass case like Vanilla Sky! look, let's call it out for what it is, the only thing worthy in this is that song about Heaven sung on that Broadway stage by that broad who looks like Mr. Limpet. cheeks like if Laertus were casting for Sandy Cheeks...

Eye: do this tonight when you smell your nightlight: watch this film with the picture off, the sight off, just LISTEN to this film...the noises of fog, the industrial sounds, metal clanging, the background music of its soundtrack...

Gordon Ramsay: this is where industrial music came from..the steel mills of England...

Dirg: must be nice to have an ENTIRE liberal college backing you as you make your first feature. don't have to worry about funding, poor college student, just continue spreading socialism through the world and you'll be a big star!

Laertus: Dirg, watch this film again, David Lynch is trying to tell you something subliminally, turn the volume up in your ears, take the tinfoil out, he's telling you:

David Lynch: Dirg, don't procreate. don't have children...

Laertus: scary, huh? raising children that is...

Eye: but this is all sweet, this film is a tribute to Lynch's daughter's birth defects and deformities. the stubbed hands and feet of the alien baby, like a turkey showcasing its legbones. if that ain't Thanksgiving i don't know what is!

Dirg: Lynch's daughter wrote and directed Boxing Helena.........OH! NOW it all makes sense now! 

Laertus: i mean the family stows the comatose grandma away in her own corner of the kitchen, making sure she has a smoke lit by the stove to ease her troubles. see they don't just shut her away at a nursing home, they spend time together as a family, THAT's what Thanksgiving is all about!!!

Dirg: it's like bad Simpsons, bad Beverly Hillbillies...

Dirg: and that whore in the apartment across the hall...

Eye: um, being hot doesn't make you a whore...

Mardith: too much sauce only applies to spaghetti...

Laertus: that sex scene tho. it's so......weird. and mysterious and mystical...they're like two naked mannequins in a gigantic cup of boiling tea...

Dirg: there's too much smoke and steam and Steinbeck Dust Bowl dust storms in this film anyway...

Eye: this is basically an extended episode of The Twilight Zone. how do i know? the radiator. the bulky Joy Division-lines steel-mill radiator in the cold small apartment is the big giveaway...

Laertus: what was that? when Jack Nance plops a pebble into the small thing of water. like a tiny tank or cup or tea, what what that all about?...

Laertus: you know i first thought this film was gonna be about, like, the Cold War or something, something about that hair spoke Kubrick and electricity experiments with nuclear energy to me. i was genuinely shook when it ends up being about of all things actual pencil erasers, the nubs at the ends of beige school pencils...
 
Eye: but it's still a factory, babe, it's still a factory...

Dirg: Catholic nun pencils. you know why they kept the complicated prop of the alien baby secret? cos if Rod Serling found out he'd tell the Russians. the Russians who scraped the alien off Sputnik. Rod would tell Sigourney Weaver who would tell her autopsist who tells the Space Baby to shrink its head who would tell a struggling young Steven Spielberg trying to come up with an idea to get out of film school... 

Dirg: wait the Man In The Planet is supposed to be Paul Bunyan, right?

Rubikon: no, John Henry.

Dirg: that mother was ain't right. nobody says the word sexual intercourse. whatever machinist job our main everyman Henry Spencer has it's gotta be better than filling bullets. whatever Thanksgiving turkey you're planning on having it's gotta be better than the blood bird. see i bet the pregnant girl had cravings for skinless pickles, that was your problem right there. 

Mary X: i'm going back to mother!
Henry Spencer: you mean the other woman?

Takahashi: love the anime names...

Dirg: that street-urchin boy is straight out of JoJo's Bizarre Les Mis. i mean can Henry be surprised that he got dumped? no girl likes the baggage of a man with a baby. Henry takes the scissors, cuts the sleeves off the baby's hoodie, and the lizard thing cheats his way to Super Bowls and the Presidency! and suddenly this becomes the ending of The Turin Horse. please tell me the iconic shook-face scene has a firework of eraser shavings. please tell me that's at least salt bae and not dried cum...

Dirg: look, the symbolism in this is simple, not complicated: Henry Spencer, the spermatozoon creature comes out of Henry's mouth. sperm cumming out of Henry's mouth...g'night, folks...

at the fountain:

Pat: what is this? where are we? all i see around me in a circle are brown cows, brick schoolrooms bunched together in one farmhouse, and turrets. and Rachel Maddow.

Rachel Maddow: hello all. as you can see i'm wearing a The Smiths turtleshell helmet. we're broadcasting the show to you tonight from my underground bunker at Grey Gardens...

Galivant: first, dunk your head in the water of this fountain...

Pat: done.

Galivant: you're starting life over. from college "graduate" to college student to schoolboy to boy to toddler to infant wrapped in swaddling alien clothes. you're the alien, you're gonna live a brand new life in a different place starting from Q0, Age 1. to see. we'll skip, we'll fastforward the non-communicative first-five-years and get you into grade-school stat. i'll keep all your stellar first-five-years dreams for myself in my pocket. what would it have been like if you had grown up in England instead of America? we're about to find out. Pat, you are now a LAD...





   




Monday, November 23, 2020

TMIT: ROBYN




also a surf-wax shoppe in Manhattan Beach...

1. which part of your body do you think is the most sexy? post a pic if you dare

my sixth finger on this hand here...

...hold up, brb, i gotta do the intro to Chiller Theatre...

2. which part of your partner's body do you find the most sexy? tell us about the time you first saw it:

tits. one day, fingers crossed...

3. are you a fan of lingerie on yourself? or on someone else?

i'm a fan of boxer shorts which fit right. Large instead of Medium at Macy's.........you know what, make that XL so you save yourself ANOTHER damn trip on long country roads......that was just me talking to myself, making a mental note of it, reminding my memba to kick in...

4. "Fifty Shades of Grey"---work of genius or complete twaddle?

it's a work of genius BECAUSE the authoress herself admits that it's complete twaddle...

5. would you rather listen to a sexy voice telling you what is happening or watch a sex scene on mute?

i want Annie Lennox to narrate my entire life...

BONUS: tell us about a time you experimented with a fantasy and it did not go according to plan:

i went on Plenty of Fish.........and instead of my soul mate i got the Gorton Fisherman...

...i mean how did he type his profile with that hook-hand of his?...






Friday, November 20, 2020

BALLERINA DANCING ON A ROOFTOP BY MOONLIGHT





notes:

oh i remember that 10-episode story arc i wrote on Instagram about a ballerina dancing on a roof by moonlight. it's a beautiful image to center a tale around. it evokes Batman: The Animated Series. and that SVU episode. to the envy of parkourists the world over...

* rad maestro: i choose YOU. to be in the main ballet.
Tais Vinolo: i WIN LIFE based on my name alone! nobody will ever have a radder name than me! i'm the prima ballerina now, bitches, where my teacakes and wine!?...

* maestro: keep the feather tiara, you're gonna need it for emotional support when the show gets canceled...too soon?...
Dirg: Dovato commercial?
maestro: not cool.

* Tais: the main reason i got into ballet was to get out of this stuffy school uniform with the drab red Handmaid's Tale overcoat and green grunge Green River plaid pleated skirt...

* dad: that's a wonderful spin, honey, but now i gotta vacuum the carpet, use your cleats next time...

* mom: honey stop plie-ing in front of the tv, i can't watch the news.
Tais: I DON'T NEED TO GO TO SCHOOL ANYMORE???! i can do what i always dreamed of, what i always wanted, devote myself to my one life passion, which has always been ballet!!!
mom: no you still gotta do zoom school...
Tais: aw fuck

* Tais: what groceries you want me to brown-bag for you? celery? tomato? cloud ear?
mom: just buy masks. we don't need to eat, only get masks.

* instructor: wait is this porn!!?
Tais: no i'm just doing the splits. it's video but it's cool.
instructor: sorry, still getting used to zoom...

* dude: i see you, ma.
Tais: you know i'm a ballerina, right? i didn't get this flexible for you.
dude: you're blocking the stairs...

* Tais dancing in the streets in the rain, like a dream:
Tais: my mom spent 7 hours doing my braids. and i went out in the rain to dance and my hair is ruined.........worth it...

* Tais: what you smiling at?
dude: you.
Tais: shouldn't you be in school?...

* Tais: i'm so good when i leap in the rain my feet don't get wet...

* Tais: CANCELED!!!???
George Costanza: it's not you, it's covid.
Tais: IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME???!!! I INVENTED IT'S NOT YOU IT'S ME!!!!!!

* Tais in bed: i'm sad. true these Christmas danglers are cool light sprites. and my ballerina crayon etchings are cool. and when i cry i cry glitter, but i'm still sad...

* little girl: i know what to do to cheer big sis up!
mom: wait i didn't know i'd be doing all the sewing...

* stairs neighbor: wow! the artwork on this invitation is stellar! you're real good, little sis! *whispering* don't tell her, but you're the better artist between you and your big sister...
other neighbor: this is your ticket out of the projects. excuse me while i get my ballet shoes...

* Tais: oh what a wonderful invitation you made for me, sis, i love it!
little sis: macaroni and glue and everything.
Tais: take it from me, never do glue! that's how they get ya, they start you off with the hot glue in 1st grade...

* dude's mom: HEY BOY! did you order a fleshlight from Amazon again!!?
dude: NO MOM, it's a flashlight i promise!

* that elevator scene back of her head IS Black Swan! Back Swan!

* dude: sorry, i missed your mark with my spotlight.
Tais: boy what were you looking at?!
dude: Batman was on the roof over there...

* Tais: what happened? you missed your cue, where was my glitter?
dude: i ordered it from Amazon, it arrived late...

* dude: but i got you Honduran seed bread.
Tais: let's date!
dude: i dunno...you're gonna be a big star...

 

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i'm squirrelly on the Panera Pizza. on the one hand it's the first time i will ever actually eat Panera...

...i know it's weird, all my years at Berkeley and i never once had a bite of their soup or slurped down their sandwiches. on the other hand it's still flatbread pizza which is a ripoff...if you're gonna go pizza get your money's worth and make it a nice full thick crust...