MACY'S IN THE '80s: GHOSTING IS SO LAME

 

me: i'm scared to go into Macy's again.

Jen R: i'll hold your hand.

me: forever?

Jen: through it.

me: this is the most important purchase of my life.

Jen: now wait, remember, i'm a simple girl, no gaudy jewelry unless it's antique kitsch, no baubles unless they're Liza's, no rings.

me: are there rings other than diamond rings?...

Videl from behind the counter: i was the woman who got you to respect women. i went up against a man in a BRUTAL fight. i did not get any of my courage from my father Satan...

Jen: so what'd you get?

i take a fuzzy purple ringbox out and snap it like Richard Gere.

Jen: the fuck, man. do you have nine nails in your head?

me: open it.

Jen: don't snap at me.

it's not a ring. per se. it's a crumpled-up plane ticket in the shape of a ring.

Jen: one-way ticket to Baltimore. huh.

me: it's an existential question: when is it not stalking?

Jen: when it's in a Hallmark Movie and you're a handsome man who's a beekeeper. then following the woman to Lancaster, Pennsylvania, is romantic.

Jen: wait, you're not then also gonna do the second-box cliche, are you?

me: this is ME here. the writer, remember?

i pull out a second ringbox from my back buttpocket. 

Jen: i am digging the Vaporwave lush, i'm sleeping in this crushed velvet. this one is a ring-shaped piece of paper that's not laminated. a.........bank note?

me: read the balance on my account.

Jen: $150,000?!!! must be a typo.

me: it is. a painful typo. a crushing computer glitch.

Jen: shame, i like rich men.

me: i now know how it feels to be Melissa Maker, just for one day...

Tim Robbins on the SNL set at the Goodbyes: i couldn't care less that Sinead O'Connor just ripped the Pope's pic in half, i'm staring at a woman in the audience who is my wife. SOMEHOW my wife is fucking Susan Sarandon!!! i'm trying to figure this out...

around the mall at all the obscure boutique niche shoppes outside with blue rope bordering their windows you don't notice passing on your way to a giant pretzel that makes you salt-sick later:

Sailor Moon S: Tokyo, otherwise known as San Francisco...

Red Dwarf: the next thing will come when the next Zelda thing comes...

Nintendo GameCube: the games weren't great but the cube shape was cool.

Macintosh: ...

Cameron Mathison: i have a degree in civil engineering.........you believe that, right? from Berkeley. i use my degree to host a bridge game-show. isn't a truss a girdle?...

Monica Pro: what are you doing?

Leslie Sbrocco: i applied for the job. stockboy at Safeway. you have to train me now, i'm UNDER you...

Monica: do not walk behind me when i'm in the freezer aisle.

Betsy McCloud: Brewster McCloud's mother.

me: celebrating the red, white, and blue?

Jen: not anymore in this world. just blue. as in i'm drinking a big cube-shaped bottle of blue GIN to celebrate still being alive with Sjogren's.

Jen: but why are you so perberbed all the time? you're always agitated.

me: if you had stuck around and not ghosted me the rest of my life i'd be quite sanguine today. as long as you're around, i have no problems. as long as we're texting about the '70s and raw milk in a copper can, i am properly saturated.

Jen: one evening at the Colonnade...

me: now tho, i'm just waiting to die. but i have 20 more years to live. so it's a long wait. how should i fill the time?...

Jen: that's a LOT of dead-air time...

Valley Girls: it's just called The Galleria...

Lucio: i was your best friend because i was lucid...

Dalai Lama: my successor is Gregg Popovich. okay? so don't take away his extended-absence wins, that's why he was away.

Super Mario in a greasy apron in the dark underground neon-lit Ameci Pizza mall-box at the Sherman Oaks Galleria food court: meat sauce, when you want to turn your spaghetti into lasagna...

Jen Pizarro: my tits are oval, like your Ned's thermos...

Jeff Baena: why didn't Sailor Pluto stop time and save me?

Aubrey Plaza: you got into anime too late in life...

Nobodyman: i hung up on a girl, now i'm hung up on a girl...

Chris Hardwick: see Singled Out was such a FILTHY immoral show, i had to do The Wall to give back to society, to return niceness, charity both meanings, and good works to the world. Lenny Dykstra, my favorite baseball player, was the first The Dude and the first man to listen to Nine Inch Nails. cosplay is a losing battle...

StaceyRPG: i make you feel old. i genuinely have no idea who U2 are. not to mention Nirvana. Crossfit is a Ponzi scheme, it's just volleyball...

strawberries-and-cream sandwiches: yeah Japan already did this in the '80s. at the British Macy's which has food...

Dave Parker: your first Pirate. and your first Ghostbuster.

triangle (musical instrument): best as Zelda music...

Lex Luthor: with this bald head, i would never have scored on Skins...

Jimmy Somerville: i'm not the "Never Gonna Give You Up" guy...

me: are you ready to fight for us?

Jen R: no. 

me: i am.

Jen: but why are you so drawn to me?

me: i love you.

Jen: are you sure it has nothing to do with that one time in passing when i mentioned that i like to be choked during sex?

me: .........i mean.........i've thought about it.........but how would that work? you know? how could that be implemented safely? it's just too dangerous to pull off.

Jen: yeah you're right. forget i said anything.

MACY'S IN THE '80s: FOOD-COURT BLUES

 

me: pizza is like sex...

Jen R: but that's not true. when the pizza is Sbarro.

me: yeah.

Jen: shame really. the pizza we grew up on in the mall really wasn't that good. but Sbarro is the "mall pizza," you know?  

me: gotta say i don't remember this place being this busy in the '80s.

Jen: bacon pizza?

me: um, sure. no, keep it classic, pepperoni only.

Super Mario in a greasy apron: no pizza here. we try to expand our palate and our minds, we make Italian food but no pizza, we serve spaghetti, just spaghetti. i have a trick i took from Luigi when he was sleeping. wait for the water in the pot to boil, THEN drop the pasta in.

Jen: oh wow this spaghetti takes like shit!!! 

me: you're right, it tastes like.........RICE...

Jen: i'm gonna do something for you to prove that i love you in which our bodies never touch.

me: that's impossible.

Jen orders 100 Ameci pizzas to be delivered to Sbarro at the mall.

Jen: here. see? just make the Sbarro mall-box an Ameci mall-box from now on. change EVERYBODY's memories of the '80s.

i kiss Jen on the neck.

me: the good stuff.

Jen: the pizza?

Daima: each episode-title letter forms the chant which summons the Dragon.

Suzy Lu: that chant turns my hair black, i look like feminist Videl...

Daima: Dragon Ball does Zelda...

assigned seating: make planes like school...

White Palace.

Max: how did you know my soulmate broke her neck in a car accident?

psychic sister: i was at Woodstock.

Judy: why does Nora have miniature golf on her porch? please continue, a man has never passionately kissed me. i'm cooking a turkey on Thursday in NYC, it's going to be the very first Friendsgiving.

Chandler: ...

Jen R: that's the most beautiful bond that can be created in the world, when two strangers decide to form their own family.

me: Thanksgiving mattered in the '90s, the frenzied panorama at Ralph's fetching the 30 ingredients was FUN.

Jen: those elongated silver-cage grocery trolleys. you could smoke in a grocery store in the '90s. remember when over $100 was a massive deal?

Nora: wanna rent a movie at the grocery store? how about White Palace.

Max: derivative Red Shoe Diaries mush.

Rachel: invite over your mystery lady, she chose you so she has good taste.

Susan Sarandon: omg it's the Law & Order guy!!! can i have your autograph? debt? nobody cares about debt.

Horowitz: the Jewish family everyone knew in the '80s...

Jen: this is Pee-wee Herman's real mansion...

Nora: separate tub and shower? fuck this rich shit. we DO serve kugel at White Palace tho.

Confucius say: don't judge a person by their blowjob.

Heidi Solomon: you never called me back, silly. silly boy, i'm right here. the life of Africa could be yours!!!

Dear John letter: I love you. don't look for me. that makes sense, right?

Jen: people don't hire PIs for anything anymore.

Tom Selleck: fuck the internet.

me: this is EXACTLY what i want to do!!! move to Berkeley and worry about the job later.

Jen: it's not stalking if you move to another city.

James Spader: if your son hadn't died, we wouldn't have been together. that's kinda disturbing.

Susan Sarandon: just the way i like it, honey.

Heidi Solomon: *on the answering machine* you have a new woman in your life? dirty boy. oh well. call me anyway... 

Tolkien: the Shire was based on Costa Rica...

Jen vacuums the Sherman Oaks Galleria. it takes seven hours to vacuum the whole mall.

Jen: NOW we're doing Fast Times at Ridgemont High.

Jackson Browne: this brings a tear to my eye so softly i've decided to pick up every single piece of ash i dropped from my McDonald's amber ashtray and dump it in the fountain.

me: this made me melancholic.

Jen: remember, your soulmate could just be a crazy person...

Match Game '74: the thinking music is porn music.

Charlie Brill: i'm Mr. Kotter in real life...

crashing bore: only applies to Morrissey...

Rob Mac: a McDonald's in Philadelphia...

shark whisperer: the only proper way to celebrate Jaws's 50th.

lucid grandpa: gives you sage love advice from the 1880 Prussian War.

non-lucid grandma: goes crazy when you mention raisins.

Kiss Me Kate: audience "aw"s at Craig's every foible of his hopeless love life.

Craig: there's a lesson in all this: go to Amsterdam as a friend...

Jen R: raining out, your car's battery dies, you knock at a stranger's apartment to call for a cab, that was so '90s.

Max Boot: i work for Comcast...

Frank Reynolds: i get away with ANYTHING because i'm short...

Don Flamenco: i'm suddenly SUPER STRONG the second time you face me. Mike Tyson gave me some stuff...

Match Game '74: always answer "wife".

Scoey Mitchell: i like my buns soggy. in pickle juice. never put cheese on a burger. in the ghetto there actually is no word for "butt"...

Tarzan: i'm drawing a BLANK.

King Kong: i'm Catholic.

Fannie Flagg: when you think of me, you think of the word "girdle".

Richard Nixon: what fun for the American public to watch this during Watergate...

Star Patrol spotlight: an INSANE candela beam of light that is illegal for all to use...

Batman: no cops. just me.

Robert Pattinson: i can use this spotlight as Batman AND a lighthouse keeper. but not as a Shakespearean actor.

a thimble on your thumb: so steampunk.

CVS: don't go to a drugstore on the weekends...

Spider-Man: i cheat at parkour with my webs...

my person: someone other than you...

Monica Pro: i have a walkie-talkie in my back buttpocket, not an iPhone, that's how professional i am.

Leslie Sbrocco: if i went under your ladder, it'd be good luck. take me, bitch. scan me, what's my price?...

Sascha Zverev: i wish i was Dirk Nowitzki...

Rinderknech: when you look like Bradley Cooper, you have a chance.

Jen: follow me here, they're tortilla chips, but actual tortillas, like the chip is a rolled-up tortilla.

me: oh, like Takis.

Jen: Takis?

i take out bags of Takis from my backpack.

me: present from the future.

Jen: remember when you could have backpacks in the mall in the '80s? people shoplifted, but the mall cops were cool back then. the mall cop was your neighbor's father. huh, these are pretty bad. such that i'm ticked.

me: yeah.

Jen: Fajita Flavor? do you just have an Original flavor or something? oh god this blue one is ghastly.

i pour the bags of Takis into the GIANT mall trashcan. 

me: Takis are terrible.

Jen: replace this Wendy's mall-box with a Takis mall-box. let's see now Jackson Browne reacts. 

 

 

MACY'S IN THE '80s: REDKEN ERRAND

 

Jen R: so i need to get some Redken for my hair. it's the '80s and we're going to the Sherman Oaks Galleria.

me: are you sure i'm not dreaming?

Jen: yes.

me: yes what?

Jen: you're not dreaming.

me: it's just this is what i imagine the perfect day for me would be. this is me in Heaven.

Jen: tagging along with me to do a boring errand?

me: exactly. 

we open the heavy Macy's doors to the expansive perfumed amphitheater inside. Videl is the makeup girl behind the glass cubes.

Jen: i haven't see this flavor of Redken shampoo before.

Videl: this is my own brand. 

Jen: a woman selling her OWN shampoo not part of a company? in the '80s? unheard of!!!

Videl: Videl's Magic Hair, it turns your short haircut back long when your boyfriend dumps you.

Jen: i knew Gohan was a jerk!!! wanna talk about it?

Videl: NO!!! 

Jen: is Satan a good listener?

Videl: yes.

Bjork: are you in pain? Icelandic mussels won't help. only my music will help. i'm a skinny sprite.

White Palace.

James Spader: they got the order wrong. i hate when they get the order wrong. they put cheese in the burgers. who eats cheese on burgers?

Susan Sarandon: i got my revenge for not being in Alice Doesn't Live Here Anymore...

Kal Penn: where have i been? no one knows. when i was working for Obama i had no IDEA the world would end up like THIS. White Castle sliders are concentrated salt pucks. you forgot that i killed myself on House...

James: for the record, thirtysomething is a boring show...

Gina Gershon: so Stephanie Deluc ends up being a better match for Max despite the smugness. they only argue over mustard on burgers. i'm not bitter...

Susan: yuppies are in St. Louis?...

Nora: Mr. Sterile here is reporting a robbery.

Jen R: that's what people in the '90s did: work at some greasy spoon till 5 in the afternoon, go to a bar till midnight, one-night stand, call their mother on Sunday.

Nora: look at that face!!! has anybody ever told you you look like Jason from Friday the 13th?

Max: the TV show?

Nora: you have that LEAN muscle like those Hungarian swimmers with the bubblegum arms.

God: most people react to death by laughing...

Nora: oooh, so chivalrous how you buckle me up, fasten my seatbelt over my big tits, so BDSM.

Max: no smoking in the car, see that New Car Smell air-freshener tree dangling from my rearview mirror? let it do its work.

Madame Pons: now that's a WOMAN's bathroom: mint-chocolate-chip tub, 10 upright vibrators, 10 vibrator-shaped bottles of shampoo, and an Egyptian cat statue.

Jen R: i've never vomited while i was smoking a cigarette...

Max: wait, my soulmate never gave me fellatio...

Nora: that was passionate sex? that was painful sex.

Pope Leo: dude, don't smell her vibrator, that's creepy.

Jen R: that answering-machine message was so WARM, so BEAUTIFUL!!! oh. that's how dating was in the '90s, you had to lay out your feelings on a phone message, it was so simple, so tender. 

dad: a woman who likes Schumann? snatch her before it's too late!!!

Father Navin: like having dirty thoughts at church. mine tend to involve chocolate.

Nora: did you know the Greeks invented the vacuum cleaner? i'm a 40-year-old woman, i'm old enough to remember when Ring Dings were wrapped in FOIL. so they didn't need a coaster. my place isn't dirty, it's kitschy. i am not a fan of RL Stine.

Jen R: i want to get my hair right for the new guy.

me: you have a new man?

Jen: of course, it's me. i do the same things with him we used to do together. you know like settling into bed over the text-phone at 7 PM for me, 4 PM for you. watching a little vintage SNL, Portlandia, and Emergency!. talking about cereal. how i'm not allowed to buy cereal.

me: what's your obsession with that Emergency! show?

Jen: i trust TV over RFK Jr. when it comes to home remedies.

me: i hope you know what you said about the other man really REALLY hurt me. i recognize you're an EXTRAORDINARY woman who will have many many many lovers. i only ask to be one of them. i can only hope to SHARE you. if you have 7 men, let me be 1 of 7.

Jen: like that Jeri Ryan Star Trek character?

Larry serenades his grocery customers at his Safeway checkout conveyor belt, he sings Warren G's "Regulate."

Larry: see my gat exploded. but then i went back into freak mode and my dick exploded. now watch this, listen to this, i'm gonna sing Eastside Motel with that Nate Dogg RESONANT HARMONY...

Charles Nelson Reilly: i only wear socks when i'm going to the bathroom.

Jacques Pepin: every word i say sounds like "massage."

Tai: ...

Tai: remember, i'm a Level 2 Reiki healer so i take no guff, my words are magic, my touch moves mountains.

LSDream: LSD dream: laser dream

Hayao Miyazaki: okay so i kinda BORROWED Falkor. except my Falkor is a dragon...

Marilyn Monroe: why didn't i end up a '50s happy housewife?...

Greykid: chartreuse eyes...

Jeff Baena and Nicky Katt: we were supposed to be Pillars of Light...

vibratory: not involving a vibrator...

Savannah Bananas baseball: if baseball was WWF wrestling.

Club World Cup: the type of specific soccer tournament someone like Serano would watch...

Jeff Bezos/Lauren Sanchez wedding: the Pirates of the Caribbean ride in real life...

Cafe Coffee: really, Kiss Me Kate? Cafe Coffee? ANYTHING ELSE would have been more creative. Beanpot. Beanpot for the coffee shoppe.

Kiss Me Kate: British Seinfeld with a female Jerry...

fortnight: only happened at a tavern in Shakespearean times...

Brad Pitt: F1 in the future will have no pit stops, all four tires will be changed DURING the race...

the last day on Earth: China and the U.S. trading bunker-buster bombs in the sky as woolly mammoths roam the land below...

Fareed Zakaria: i lead a charmed life. i go from one Ideas Festival to another in ski boots.

Data: you may experience the emptiness with me if you wish.

Geordi La Forge: you just obliterated your philosophical argument, my robot friend.

Data: i'm an android, not a cyborg. 

Geordi: i used to have a jheri curl...

Tijuana: where you go for Bible study...

hobbits: the Bilbo baked potato is good. with Shire chives.

King Charles: i'm a compassionate king, Trump's a wannabe king.

Main Street Electric Parade: your first jolt of Disney magic.

Kurt Cobain: i saw Darryl Strawberry at the same Rome rehab center i was in a week before. 

Darryl Strawberry: dirty urine samples are so '90s. 

Bob Forrest: i was there, too. as Darryl's counselor. 

Kurt: you're a drug counselor? i thought you were in a band...

Bob Forrest: Darryl and i had a breakthrough when Darryl admitted to me he watched the movie D.A.R.Y.L. against his mother's wishes.

Advil: we made the U.S. Men's Soccer Team good...

Topanga: why you savaging Boy Meets World on Yahoo?...

college: you really DON'T have the month of June off...

Nobodyman: nothing dumber than hanging up on a woman.

Jen R: right? especially if it's a rotary phone.

Jen R: well i gotta try out my new shampoo don't i?

me: where?

Jen: when in doubt, go down the Macy's escalator.

we descend to the 3rd Floor. Jen casually takes her clothes off.

me: wait, i've always wanted to say this to a woman: take yer kit off...

Jen saunters big-toe-first into one of the massive light-blue walkaround showers.

Jen: it's fun doing a walkabout in here.

me: how are you so casual being naked in public?

Jen: i'm not. have you taken a look around? nobody is here. nobody is EVER on the Basement Floor of a Macy's at 3 PM...

 

  

 

CONSORTIUM: THE HALLMARK EXPERIENCE

 

Jen and i are at the Hallmark Experience in Calgary. 

Jen R: exotic. all the storefront facades in the middle of the blue lake.

me: this is supposed to be Anytown, USA?

Kramer: it's too early for Christmas, man!!!

Lacey Chabert, Sami Brady from Days of our Lives, and Cameron Mathison come onto the stage not locked arm-in-arm.

Jen: the crowd is cheering Lacey, drooling Cameron, and booing Sami.

Lacey Chabert: welcome, all our fans!!! 

Sami: there's at least 100 people in the crowd, right? otherwise we can't renew the venue license.

Cameron: we your beloved Hallmark Channel stars owe our immense wealth to all you housewives out there wasting your lives away!!! thank you from the bottom of our hearts and tits.

Cameron: ready to play some romance trivia on the jumbotron? i am the game-show master after all.

Jaleel White: that would be ME, holmes. why did YOUR game show get a feature in TV Guide but mine didn't?!!! my show has flavor, your show has a bridge. do your contestants touch their toes?

Melissa Maker: my toes are TOASTY.

Sami: what is this shit?

Cameron: ping-pong balls in fishbowls, animal-crackers cannabis, live yogurt, that sort of thing.

Bandon: the candy better be good this year. last year they had those Reese's Lava Cups. BIGGEST DISAPPOINTMENT IN MY LIFE. the "lava" was not HOT, the lava did not FLOW, the lava did not MELT, it was just a chocolate-syrup DOT.

i give Jen a genuine hug.

Jen R: anytime. you know i can get you tickets to ANY event, show, or backstage foaming you'll ever want to go to. i have a guy...

Tuesday morning: when Safeway restocks...

Greek bartender: you forget i was a character on Kiss Me Kate...

Luna as Princess Kaguya: i human-kissed David Bowie...

Florida Panthers: we're robots.

the '20s: NOBODY thinks the 2020s...

Jen is checking out the Lorax's butt.

Jen R: the Once-ler, Onceler, sounds like a Rolex.

me: Dr. Seuss did psychedelics with Timothy Leary.

Jen: back in their university days when they were known as Tim & Ted.

dying car: only solution is a flying car...

Sami: shut up. imma slap all yo faces. you don't think a brat like Sami Brady from Days of our Lives can have her own romance movie?

crowd: NO!!! not really. 

Lacey Chabert: just take this tupperware of spaghetti and leave the stage, dude.

Sami: i'm coming for you, Lucky Lacey. i WILL get my revenge...

Jaleel White reading James Joyce on the Flip Side set: yeah that's right, lady, laugh during the lightning round, you wasted time, you lost, you didn't get the $10,000, but it was worth it, that laughter cured your mother's breast cancer...

summer: go to 2 concerts, that's it.

1970s MAD Magazine: the ULTIMATE in dankness.

Claudine Pepin: fuck i put pitted cherries in the food processor.

Jacques Pepin: Connecticut country is cringe.

James Cameron: playing Space Gun, the only arcade cabinet in the lobby of the movie theater waiting for Aliens to start. 1989, good times...

monks: can you persevere?

Jen R: like hell he can.

me: St. Mary's Monastery, Mass in Massachusetts...

Coldplay: Diet Radiohead.

Christmas trees: are made of rosemary...

Jacques Pepin: cut yourself.

Claudine: ...

Jacques: cut yourself a piece of meat.

one-night stand: kinda died off after the '90s...

Leslie Sbrocco: you're me as a Safeway checkout woman. you're me if i never went to college at food school.

Monica Pro: you're out of line, lady. now get out of line and let the rest of the customers through.

Leslie: the only reason to go to a grocery store is for wine. 

Monica: you're jealous of me.

Leslie: i am. the normal life. the normal level-house in Watsonville. the NORMAL white dog named Falkor.

Monica: Siberian Husky. 

Leslie: we coulda been happy together.

Monica: we're too similar. did you find everything okay today?

Leslie: i only wanted to find YOU!!!

Suzy Lu: so Android 18 is a cyborg, not an android? fine, whatever, i don't remember what i ate for breakfast this morning much less some minute detail in a stupid anime...

mouse: imagine ALL the batteries it would have taken if you didn't have a plug...

Brett Somers and Jack Klugman: we were Who's Afraid of Virginia Woolf in real life...

Jen R: okay let's all settle down, mount up, and calm.

me: yeah, i got the perfect script i'm writing in my head for a new Hallmark Channel movie all of us can act in. it's called Covid Lucky, it's about two respiratory patients in a hospital fighting for their lives during covid who find each other. mostly because they're in the same hospital room.

Jen: the two hospital patients are an impossibly good-looking man and an impossibly good-looking woman. wait did you have me in mind to play lead actress? i wouldn't need to act.

me: see for most of us covid exacerbated our loneliness. but for the chosen few, some people found their soulmate during covid!!! because they were forced to share tight living quarters inside with them, there was nothing to do but spend time with a stranger, a LOT of time. 

Sami: guys, i'm sorry. i just really need a change of scenery, Deidre Hall is constantly on my puss.

Jen: you just won a family trip to Copenhagen, the world's best city to live in!!!

Sami: holy shit, things like this never happen to me!!! i'm the bad luck girl. i just wish i had a family.

Lacey Chabert: take this tupperware of danishes and stuff your face. eat.

Sami: pray, love?...

Lacey: just eat.