ONE KAISER ROLL, PRETZELED

notes:

* don't worry we're bypassing the rap to kids about how sugar is so not cool and instead of soda buy a fizz machine for your water. when you go to college in 13 years. too bad and get over it.

* Christine Lahti: too bathroomy…

* Christine Lahti: hi, i'm TV's Christine Lahti. i'll be your hostess this evening. if you have any questions, go to the bathroom.

* oh you ALMOST did the hands with the sunlight peeking through thing that ALMOST constituted a Taco Bell Boyfriend.

* fat yogess: what? don't you give me credit for improving myself instead of staying home the rest of my life? i can show you new techniques.
thin yogess: Downward Hippo?
fat yogess: you know in other cultures fatness is a sign of wisdom. they call it heavenly heft.
thin yogess: i mean are you even ALLOWED to be in a yoga dojo? no i'm serious about that. at least water all the plants around you. not by going to the bathroom.
fat yogess: they're ficuses, right? they don't need water, right?
thin yogess: a little sodawater. and freshen up the lilypads by dancing on them.

* orange leotard: hey red, you're too skinny to be a wrestler!
red leotard: Hulk Hogan was twice as skinny as me as a kid. and he grew up to make a sex tape! my secret weapon is ballet! and i'm a Communist! imma win in the end!
orange: try to flip me like an egg mcmuffin, son.
*flip*
orange: you were just distracted by my orange leotard! it looks like cheese!

* male nurse breaks the hand of the elderly man he's trying to rub on to comfort and heal him.
elderly man: FUCK YOU
male nurse: sorry, pops, i don't know my own strength.
elderly man: why aren't you working construction!!? where are your dimples? have you ever thought about becoming a Power Ranger?...…...oh, last one got me depressed again...i suppose you can't rub out my depression with a caress?

* Asian Judge Judy: what the fuck is this? you can't handle one woman judge so i have to be flanked by two old men? what is this, a Power Rangers Halloween special?
Judge Judy: remember my primetime special? it was exactly like the daytime show---two cases---but it was at night on CBS. and had different scenery of courthouses and naked-women statues with swords and gowns. and at the end there was a little stinger about my grandkids. it only happened one time. which makes it rare and special. a true special. it was like My So-Called Life...

* Phoenix: why didn't you have kids?
Helen Mirren: that's personal.
Phoenix: but YOU were meant to be a GILF if anyone was!
Helen Mirren: want my high heels? i'm afraid i'm gonna trip. i ain't getting any younger.
Phoenix: but you get sexier the older you get. sure. but why are they green?
Helen Mirren: they take you to Oz with two heel clicks.
Phoenix: isn't that red?
Helen Mirren: they give you gangrene on your toes before you go. look at me: i'm Andy Warhol Slash. i'm what Andy Warhol would have looked like as a woman. i'm Andie Warhol.

* Divine: do i really have to eat dog feces for art? it's a tough world out there, kids.
kids: Ms. Divine, why are we flying like a bird?
Divine: cos kids you have to know when you have to fly away from a place, you know?

* black girl on horse: what's a matter? surprised to see me on your horse, you illegal horse trader?
cowboy: no ma'am, it's just......do you play for the WNBA or something?...
black girl: i won't snitch on you to the popo if you do one thing for me that ain't sexual: take off that stupid red cowboy hat, makes you look weak. now tie your own arms together with this lasso...

* painter: i paint with my mouth.
Michelangelo: what dat mouth do. sorry, inappropriate. look you're an inspiration and everything, but imagine having to paint on your back...again, sorry.

* OKAY THIS HAS GOT TO BE THE ONLY COMMERCIAL IN THE WHOLE OF TIME TO REFERENCE ANYTHING INGMAR BERGMAN

i mean you don't exactly see Saraband being used to sell toothpaste...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: so when they say Limited Time they don't mean they only sold the McRib FOR ONE WEEK, RIGHT!!?

BOXED: THE SOUL

at the Red Circle Table, there are two white women:

Carli Lloyd: you know?

Madonna: i know.

and then Jennifer Aniston FINALLY joins the mix.

Blue Stan Lee: Jen, what gives? i did my hair like yours.

Jennifer Aniston hugs Stan Lee and it goes right through.

Jennifer Aniston: oh Stan, i'm so sorry. you know i love you like a non-drunk uncle. it's just...the press was hounding me for a saucy quote...i had to do something splashy for the Friends anniversary.

President Bump: LeBron, look, i'm still your best friend. Happy Mental Health Day? is that something you wish people? it doesn't sound right. sounds off.

LeBron: get off me, bum! what did you do!!?

Bump: nothing i swear, i'm even making the Neil deGrasse Tyson hands-off meme with my small hands so you'll understand. i did not burn your jersey, i am an actual Angel. i LOVE your jersey, LeBron, i kiss it, i sniff it, i sleep with it when Melania's gone---which is often---and my bed is cold!

LeBron: *steamed* yeah but you basically did. INDIRECTLY. you're like the Andy Dick of presidents.

Bump: *hand on Bron Bron's shoulder* LeBron, buddy, you should always have an opinion on ANYTHING that's going on in the world. that's the point of our massive public platforms. i know i do all the time!

the Dunns: *heartsick* we're done with you.

Shirley Brifman: it's not safe for women anymore.

Teuila Blakely: i know. and the other blonde chick is here with me, too. we're both worried sick over you. look, whenever you need to have a tea, we're here for you with a finger rub. do NOT talk to any official men who come to your door knocking with an email from Apple which looks suspicious but just good-enough, do not give out your information, especially that you're a girl in this world!

Shirley: i'm sorry. but that Apple letterhead was quite convincing. the website looked real, all the rectangles were in place. a symbol's a symbol, right?

Dirg: no worries, matess, everyone gets scammed eventually, no matter how smart you think you are. except me of course. go on a vacation and walk it off. take it from me, the Apple logo is easy to draw.

Shirley: i'm sorry. i was tired. i'm always tired. i'll go with Pear or Samsung next time. i feel stripped, naked, exposed. i knew in the back of my head something was off but i needed to survive desperately and quickly, i needed a record of my life that i existed. the only whistles i ever blew were the ones to call off brutes' slimy fingers off my girls when it was finish-time. you can't rightly type brothel madam in the rectangle. can i move to New Zealand?

Teuila: truthfully it's the same.

Shirley: tea. right. but there's nothing in it, innit?

at the Debates:

Warren: SHHHHHHHHHHHH! QUIET! stop shouting at me, i'm a librarian!

Ariana Grande is grilling on a shichirin preparing for the Olympics:

Ariana: keeping my boy happy. you wouldn't like him when he's not happy. a happy wife is a good cook, la di da *humming*

at Electric Brixton, Doryce is dancing up a storm with all the men. and the boys.

Gladyce: i love you, babe. but i can't keep up with you. i'm panting. granny-panting. how do you do it? how do you have the stamina?

Doryce: babe you gotta live no matter what! let nothing keep you down! you know i knew this nightclub was called The Fridge but i didn't know it would be an actual huge Icebox! my rave stick has turned into a green popsicle!

Gladyce: save it for Halloween ooze, i'm sure it's edible.

Doryce: we gotta prepare for the next Ice Age. we two anyway. i am disappoint tho. the banana hammer didn't come to pass. nor the coffee puck.

Gladyce: i'll satisfy you sexually later when we get home, dear.

Doryce: did you do the trick i taught you?

Gladyce: yes but...the toffee Hershey's chocolate nuggets. like striking gold without bars! you say to freeze them, they'll taste better, i froze one nugget for one day here by tossing it into the dance pit, but i think you have to freeze it for 4 or 5 days till it becomes a puck. it tasted the same.

Doryce: oh i love those wrappers on those toffee ones! it's the prettiest shade of orange. it's copper! remember the Copper Age, babe!? we got DOWN in the Copper Age with those sentry soldiers who deserted!

Jimmy G joins the First Take Table, which is more integrated:

Jimmy G: yeah see the thing is...the nickname...it can wear on you after awhile. not like an old jersey. it seems cool at first but. nobody in the Hall of Fame has a nickname which stuck that's, like, Porn Star Jimmy, right? i mean Porn Star Jimmy? Fast Hands Jimmy, okay. Jimmy Football, sure. even Jimmy Neutron. but Porn Star Jimmy? is that how i'm gonna be remembered forevermore?

Dirg: i can't believe i missed that story. i was too busy with my schoolwork.

Laertus: sure.

Dirg: the Tom Brady Kiss story, too i missed. but you know women do have the power to alter whole trajectories of life journeys. one false fuck and it's all over, a man's worth down the toilet hole. his whole life of work gone with one whack.

Laertus: i'm thinking when you speak of women you're only referring to porn stars. cos those are the only women you know. hey at least you finally acknowledge The Goddess.

Eye Luggage: hey, porn stars are women, Courtney Love and i started out our careers as strippers. strippers are the biggest intellectuals you'll ever come across, they have time to think of things like fascism.

Laertus: well-met.

Eye: we're lucky enough to have The Man himself, Tom Brady---also known as TB---here at the podcast studio!

Dirg: also known as Touchy Babe...

Eye: ...and Tom's Number One Fan, Peter Griffin himself also joining us. sit right next to your idol there, Peter, sorry for the small seats, they fit my ass.

Tom: Peter i gotta say, that was a private moment and everything, but you had the funniest Family Guy line ever this week: when you wanted to give your son Chris a Tom Brady Kiss. something about that line spoken in your Rhode Island accent, that line will singe into my psyche's funny bone forever.

Peter Griffin: wait, YOU like my show? OMG. this is why you're my hero, Tom, you're a football player who knows what psyche means.

Tom: it's no big deal, right, guys? right, fellas?

Eye: not at all. it's wonderful. in these thoroughly fucked-up times, in this thoroughly fucked-up world, why not celebrate any last bit of love we can get? if the kiss goes on a little longer than expected, hey, it's all gravy, baby!

Laertus: Dirg, if your father kissed you on the lips like that you wouldn't be the fuck-up you are today.

Dirg: i see nothing wrong either. all of life is transactional.

Laertus: you know i really didn't like you, Tom, not at all for awhile. i mean you were already perfect, perfect life perfect wife perfect lips, and you won all the time, even when you weren't supposed to. like The Fates had deemed for you to get, like, 3 Super Bowls, but you somehow ended up with 10. the Fates speak with foreign accents. like even when you were trying to lose the refs make a decision that always goes your way. not liable for cheating in a court of law. and then the red hat in your locker, THAT's unforgivable for a white boy. BUT BUT with this kiss incident, you know what, i DO like you now! i'm actually actively rooting for you now! win another Super Bowl, Tom! you're a weird human like the rest of us finally!

Dirg: but do you respect him? is it a Rafa Nadal situation?

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh how Nixau has the best smile of all time. SVU and go.

Dirg: i mean it's too meta, right?

Jack Dorsey: that's what i tried to tell everybody. but nobody listens to a surfer.

Dirg: i mean you have the actress who gets raped by the movie mogul ON THE SHOW. right? but then the next morning you look on twitter and you see this same actress embracing the character who plays the movie mogul who just raped her---in the script---and they're all smiles posing for pictures hugging and kissing on each other. it's just too weird. the mind can't procees such surreal things.

Eye: well it's just good acting, right? not deepfake, just good acting. tv magic, which is white magic. tho it's been accused of being black magic. genLOCK, anyone?

Laertus: you mean the new Star Wars cartoon show i CAN watch?

Eye: okay, let's get down to it: ladies and gentlemen, our Feature Presentation: Deep Sound Check: and Blade Runner: 2049 and go!

Dirg: wow, you mean we actually did this? we the three of us stayed in the same movie theatre together all scrunched up in one small seat for THREE HOURS and none of us killed each other from annoyance or boxed-in!!?

Laertus: you know i had the most wonderful warm strange exasperated feeling while watching this. a feeling the combination of which i shall never feel again. it was like this calm came over me. and yet i felt petrified that the wave was fake, computer-generated, a wisp, not real. you know i'm not one for football but it was like watching football alone in your room on a lazy Sunday afternoon. shades drawn, pitch black, just the glow of the screen on your face, no facemask. watching Jared Goff on the green grass at empty Rams Stadium, cos there are no real football fans in L.A. Jared tosses the ball and all is right with the world. but is this world real? cos then before my eyes it's RYAN GOSLING in the quarterback pants throwing the football. i reflect fondly on Ryan's career as i see it in front of me, i see him working on an empty film set...and Jared's career, push-upping alone in an empty grass stadium...they are both trying to make it in the big city. a warmth washes over me again as i think about their lives, trudging along, just trying to make it, Jared trying to get through this movie in hushed tones and orange glows. orange dust and orange smog everywhere. i imagine Jared as the same personality as Ryan: calm, funny, California-cool, as evidenced from the This Is Sportcenter commercial where Jared imitates tournament-winner Coco Gauff. crocodile before baby shark.

Dirg: you know it's not such a stretch to imagine Los Angeles in the future simply a huge Fatberg of Smog, not a city anymore.

Laertus: i have the feeling the police brutality is worse, cos it can go unseen now. i love ALL movies that take place in the future. but in the REAL FUTURE, WAY many years from now, The Year 3000, The Year 5000, The Year 10000, cos it's fun to imagine just how Earth will really be like in the far far future. will we have a planet still? will we be robots with beating hearts?

Eye: will we finally have flying cars?

Laertus: the feeling crashes over me again as an imperceptible underwater tide. with Ryan acting, and with Jared playing football, all is right with the world. or is it? yes it is, but only because i know i was BORN. i have a SOUL, so all this running-around i'm doing---running-around we all do---is worth it cos in the end, I EXIST. i'm not doing this cos i was programmed to do this. in the end, my actions and beliefs and thoughts and acts of kindness and mindness and sadness and anger and hate MATTERED, it leads up to something, cos I AM REAL, not a fake metal box projecting an image. not a blue hologram. well not a blue hologram whilst living this life anyway. ghosts are another matter, ghosts are proof. i got that strange tingling down my spine when i looked up at the spinal art of the roof of that scene with the daughter trapped in the bubble---Bubble Girl---who is an historian or something, takes digital photographs, creates art programs much more advanced than Photoshop to lie about Replicants' memories to make them think they are really alive and have a soul. but it's all manufactured and leads to nowhere. i mean there's buying Instagram friends and then there's outright creating friends with an Apple pencil. creating friends by 3D-printering them. that's what this poor creative-soul girl did. looking at that roof, that arched elevator ladder on that roof, i arch my back all the way past my sightline to my own room ceiling, think about my spinal cord and its fluids, and the fact that all this i was doing would end up meaning something cos i would return to the knowledge that i was BORN, not MADE. i'm part of something. i come from SOMEWHERE, not NOWHERE. i MATTER, i'm not a robot. when i look at a tree, it matters. it's collected, it registers.

Dirg: cool off from those warm feelings, eh bud? i'll take over. the plot particulars in this were hard to follow, they really didn't matter, right? it was all about design. that sleek yellow design of that Government Desk. the dirtiness of it all, all dystopias are dirty like that. there are never clean sleek white dystopias, which would be scarier to me. i mean hovercars are cool, but there would be an awful lot of accidents in the sky every day---sky accidents---it's untenable. we'd have to go back to planes.

Eye: air accidents? airy accidents? the sad thing, partners, is that the future will NOT be like that when 2049 rolls around! it will be quite disappointing when reality hits. the future in fiction is ALWAYS cooler.

Laertus: there was a Jared in this. Jared Leto. whose Joker is forgotten so he sports a weird glass third eye or something. and wants to birth a robot. and kills all the betas, right, Dirg?

Dirg: if i ever become king, i need a throne room like that, surrounded by water and fountains and upside-down waterfalls like a medieval moat. where are the kings? there are no real kings anymore. and what's the deal with Sean Young? she's still alive, right? they couldn't get her to come? so they hire an actress to play her body but they still use Sean's voice, what!!?

Eye: talk about getting the shaft. that is her real voice, right? it could be Frank Welker.

Dirg: really the only thing i was looking for here was if Ryan Gosling could pull off serious. he kind of didn't, i mean whenever Pretty Boy got serious in his face you saw his Mickey Mouse Club smirk behind his eyes, you knew he wasn't really serious. this is dark stuff, man. and the question remains in the end: is Harrison Ford a Replicant?

Laertus: was Elvis and Frank Sinatra always this annoying? or is it the hologram effect?

Eye: and just generally loud noises suck. that's cool to have a lobby in your castle, tho. ah, the snow scene in the end, very anime. and ripe for an anime interstitial.

Dirg: i'm thinking Harrison Ford does NOT have a soul. how could ANYONE have survived that helicopter crash?

Eye: okay, what we all came for: sex in the future! so what do you think? the feminist critics were justifiably braying about the male gaze here.

Laertus: you know it's not what i expected from the trailer. i see the beautiful Mediterranean-Spanish model who's his girl blown-up large in that pink/purple projection out in the city as a HUGE HOLOGRAM of nakedness! wearing her pink/purple wig! on top of and ON buildings! like a living marquee, living billboard. but sexy forehead. like the dream of fucking a Marvel superhero! a King Kong who's a girl! and i read articles on how this film was depicting future sex. i thought Ryan Gosling would be fucking this giant heavenly hologram!

Dirg: agreed, bro. the reality was very banal. it was a mind trick sure, but it was just her entering the soul of the real normal-sized-person hooker so he could fuck his hologram girlfriend. needed a disposable street-trash body for that beautiful unique caring soul. i'm collaborating with you next time we do future sex together, Laertus. to do it right.

at Colorado Springs, Madame Pons sits up on top of Takahashi in a pool of melted skin and dirty sweat post-coitus, both are breathing hard but not quite satisfied, a lingering doubt creeps in.

Sue Su: FUCK!!! the audience knows it's Takahashi!!! my beloved!

Takahashi's head droops at the back of the bed as the drone camera trains on his face. his face remains perplexed and puzzled, his lips puckered in disbelief. his face is shut but his eyes are wide open. he doesn't say a word.

Sue: BUMP DID THIS!!! TO FUCK ME OVER!!! LOOK, THE EVIDENCE! THE SPILLED JAR OF FLOWERS OVER THERE!

Madame Pons turns to the drone camera with a hard turn of her hand:

Madame Pons: folks, it's me. baring my body to you in freedom and real life, because i'm baring my soul. i'm scared right now but i also feel a strange tinge of bravery. you know me, it's me, i love you all. whether i'm clothed or not. affection and love will always be timeless. there is no shame in fucking, it releases your soul into another person. sex heals. i am no brothel madam. i am a person. even if i'm here to only help one person. to only help Sue Su. or to only help you watching now. may my naked body sacrifice on this public altar so you out there can enjoy sex finally in private. even with your clothes on. i am not ashamed. you shouldn't be either. let's help one another through our turbulent emotional rollercoasters. we must help each other heal. this won't shame me to suicide, i am stronger for this. i am strong. even tho everyone in the world now knows i have a big vagina. it's a Marianne Williamson vagina big enough to cradle all the civilizations of the universe!

Dirg: hey Takahashi, where have you been!!! i've been missing discussing the latest games with you! we got a lot of catching up to do!

Sue: i love you Pons. you deserve to live, to live forever, for your life is real. you've taught me so much. don't let the bastards win. when you heal, you self-heal.

there's a dawkish din coming from outside the compound, soon the screens fill up. loud noises, chants, fists flying, all in unison shouting the same line:

SHOW YOUR CUNT! SHOW YOUR CUNT!

Sue backs up in the corner her hands in her big eyes crying.

at the con Shaq O'Neal FINALLY sits at the Red Circle Table. well the Red Circle Table stand booth at the con anyway:

Dirg: you know it's very smart. you replace the red-hat-wearing white guy as the Pizza Guy with you! brilliant marketing move. the Democrats need to call you up for PR lessons. you're as huggy-bear huggable and family-friendly as they get. you're the most nonlethal black man who ever lived! masterstroke!

Shaq: just call me Papa Shaq. you doing okay, buddy? you don't seem yourself.

Dirg: no not at all. i need a Father.

Cotard: what can i do you for, my son? i've been traveling. far and wide. i went on my game-show circuit.

Dirg: are you trapped in a loveless marriage?

Cotard: no that wasn't me. but i am kinda. but i did go on Jeopardy. to visit Alex Trebek one last time. you visit the doomed, visit with friends. he taught me to adopt the Alex Trebek Way of Looking At Things. live like there's no tomorrow. appreciate and scan and push the button first. appreciate, don't hate. the Alex Gaze. i kissed him on the mouth despite his Canadian humor thinking i was looking at him as a leper, i assured him i was not. Alex talked in all questions about the open cold sores blistering his mouth inside with pus but i cared not, i wasn't embarrassed, i loved him and drank his pus. it's all human, baby.

Dirg: everywhere i turn, every corner, life has tricked me. life is one big trick. i can't take this lifestyle of mine i constructed and built anymore, i need MORE! the boxes have closed in on my body squeezing me into a small box with my legs in my face. i need air. promise you won't laugh? this isn't just my con costume, i need a change.

Dirg leaves the auditorium and returns in '70s street-punk London garb with a spiked collar around his neck. he waves a huge purple/pink Taco Bell flag left to right.

Dirg: *shouting loudly* TACOS!!! TACOS!!!

Dirg: *solemnly* this is the only flag i'd ever die for.

Cotard: okay that's a start. you gotta believe in something. i won't tell President Bump, i'll keep that under Confession. despite all his Catholic voters. how many chicken patties did you make the poor glass girl at the Jack In The Box drivethru stuff into the one two-buns?

Dirg: 5. but they could only legally do 4. i have a problem when it comes to stacks. but she was stacked tho. you know an Instagram girl is more when she makes you feel depressed.

Cotard puts his arm around Dirg's shoulder.

Cotard: come here i want to show you something, i've been needing a change, too. i discovered a new religion...

PAULA COLE (AND SARAH MCLACHLAN) ARE AWESOME

1. tell us something weird about yourself:

i'm normal. but i'm not a normie.

2. if you could be anywhere in the world right now, where would you be and why?

Lilith Fair. i miss that show so much. never went, just saw it on MTV News with Tabitha Soren wearing her flower-garland wreath on her head at her location assignment and it seemed like so much FUN!!! Tabitha, get it? it seemed like it was around forever but it actually was quite the rare feat. there will never be anything like it. it was the Women's Movement sure, but that particular NINETIES Women's-Movement brand of vim, vigor, and Morissette. '90s women were the peak, you will never top '90s women and their paint-smocks over their jeans. THIS is where liberated braless women created WICCA!!! as a man i'm drawn to these secret stained-glass societies where i'm not allowed, i learn so much emotional intelligence when i'm encircled inside their coven. i LOVE strong women! i want to be DOMINATED by strong women! sexually and just life-wise. if i can just sip at the Burning Woman magic on that stage, a few wisps and pixie-wings fall to my tongue, i will transform into a new being. i will go topless the rest of my life, wear only pirate shorts, and sport a dreamcatcher tat along my spine.

3. what can someone do to make you feel more loved?

PLAY THIS IN THE BACKGROUND WHILST WE FUCK, CLICK HERE AT THIS LINK

and then afterwards our cigarettes are Skippy peanut-butter sandwiches at Central Perk

4. what are 2 good qualities which first drew you to your current or last significant other?

we watch The Current War together, sneaking into the back of the cineplex theatre not paying for our tickets. like Edison would have done. and then we role-play with her as Tesla inside the popcorn machine in the lobby checking its sparkplugs.

and she MUST have a jones for buttered popcorn.

5. what 2 qualities in your significant other (current or last) can send you running far far away from them?

to the hills? not The Hills.

a) any serious declaration that '80s movies sucked. i mean come on, The Goonies is a good film...

b) any serious consideration given to her eating unbuttered popcorn

BONUS: what does your partner miss about you the most when you two are apart?

square eggs. that used to be our thing. i'd mailed them to her, some on her birthday, the rest on Valentine's. but now with the current state of the world that can't happen anymore...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

DID TRENT REZNOR CREATE JOHNNY CASH, OR DID JOHNNY CASH CREATE TRENT REZNOR?

notes:

* these are your people......you just forgot when your kids were young...

* hey Apple Watch, where are the non-annoying silent alarms?......

* the new tv screens look like laundry screens

* everything is dark due to the PG&E Power Outage. hey it's better than a brush fire, right?

* big brother: oh shit, The Pink Panther's tryna get into my bathroom! the Paw is forcing his way past my door barricade! i got a date in a hour with my teacher!~

* sister: Diego, we have to go!
brother: fuck that, sis! i ain't going!
sister: Madre!!! come on, Diego, you have the map! give me the fucking map!
brother: get this monkey and this fucking fox out of the room!

* a row of urns on top of the counter...

* sisters: shut up! shut up! we tryna brush all our teeths with one toothbrush!
brother drummer: use the dinosaur tooth to clog up the drain as you learn the numbers of cave men! i'm trying to drum here! I CAN'T HEAR MYSELF DRUM!!!

* brushed their teeth so hard and mad the entire glass shower pane is streaked with their spit

* good to see Demi Lovato back on her feet

* mom: hey why am i putting a red soccer shirt on you? there's no soccer in America.
son: i want to be Wayne Rooney with the birds when i grow up.
mom: and why is your hair red?

* our forefathers lied...

* dad brings out omelettes in a copper pan to the trailer counter lit underneath by a heat lamp.
family: dad, the Copper Age was ages ago!
dad: this is Gotham Copper. so Non-Stick your mother's still in bed...

* baby boy: i'm the first man ever to cry over spilled orange juice.

* dog picks up food item with his jowls.
dog: JICAMA!!? fuck me.

* hey. don't make fun of the girl wearing the pink shawl over her head. it's cold out...

* older brother in baseball uniform boxes younger brother down to the shag carpeting.
brother: stop! i'm watching boxing on tv.

* two girls wrestle over the controller on the upstairs shag carpeting.
mom: stop! it's just the NeoGeo controller! it's not even a joystick!

* uncle: i fucking tripped over the soccer balls on the stairs and broke my hip! that god-damn rail stairlift gadget thing broke in a cloud of black smoke!
cousins: sorry, gramps.
uncle: you only need ONE fucking ball!

* older sister: what's in the gym bag?
niece: my laundry from college.

* Victor + Valentino in real life!

* dad snatches controller from ginger son.
dad: stop, son! you keep playing video games you'll end up bald like me!

* hey, don't use the red flag for the Red Flag Warning as your soccer-ball bag

* mom: what time is it? i'm not used to it getting so dark so early. i'm still wearing my Big Bird pajamas.

* kids load up into the carpool.
kids: we're the Bag Men.
Snuffy driving steering the wheel with his tail: apt.

* wife: what's with the big white pail?
husband: second childhood, okay? stop nagging me, Mother!

* automatic back-door ain't closing fast enough! all the rainwater's getting inside the car trunk-carpet area where the baby brother sleeps!

* it's such a beautiful day. the sun is so bright our Spanish tile is catching on fire. let's stay in.

* this VW came with a Knicks decal...

* that's it, Volkswagen, end with Spanish, stick it to the Administration!

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW i have to make the most painful decision i've ever had to make in my life: i have to decide between and choose one and leave the other behind for next week...IF i can wait that long...…

McRib or Brooklyn Pizza?

as much as it pains me i'm thinking the Brooklyn Pizza cos i've had the McRib before...i have the sense memory of the McRib stored in my cyberbrain…

BOXED: VOICE MODULATION

the Kurds: did our entire lives mean nothing?

President Bump: you didn't help my friend Norman. Jim's friend. not Bates.

Yao Ming: did my entire life mean nothing?

Snoop: chill, bros, life is still livable. with the right herb.

Laertus: i hate guns. i despise gun culture. but i gotta say, those money guns are pretty cool.

Snoop: right? just trying to loosen up all those farmer voters, feel me, son?

Bump: can i be your homie?

Snoop: the only reason i ain't calling the cops on yo fat ass is you're reputed to be friends with Martha Stewart.

Mike Pence pops his head in again, this time in Downton Abbey.

The Queen: oh Michael, come on down! *flutters fan* i must say you have the most beautiful cake calligraphy! that curvy icicng is divine! the wedding guests are gonna be too gobsmacked to put anything else in their mouths! it's so gentle and rollicking over gentle steppes and hills and ranch-dressing valleys, where did you learn it? are you sure you aren't English? you look black.

Pence: i'm passing. whistleblowering past the graveyard. i just don't want anyone catching wind of my hidden talent, i'm not into NBC shows.

Matt Lauer: where's Putin? i REALLY hate Putin!

Putin: did you enjoy your accommodations and visit and stay? next time when you come over i'll show you around our gas stations and i'll throw a dinner party in your honor! you gotta admit, despite our differences, the Olympics really do bring us all together.

The Queen: so Michael, do you like cleaning? this film is literally about cleaning a house.

Pence: i ripped the sponge away from my maid.

The Queen: when you do the florets, do you prefer the pink ones or the lilac?

Pence: i'm a talented chef.

The Queen: it's not really being a chef if you just do cakes. where did you learn your Method? Russia?

Pence: the gays. i LOVE the gays, they're the only ones who'll let me experiment! with the cakes. the gays are just one of the guys. i wanted to be a planner before politics, you know. just don't tell Mother, she hates me and wouldn't understand my passion.

The Queen: me? the Queen Mum?

Pence: no my wife.

The Queen: oh i see...…...dump the bitch and get with me. you're quite handsome, striking really. you look like if John Lennon had lived.

there's a knock at the cabinet door.

The Queen: yes yes i'm coming. why am i the only one around here wearing a ballroom gown? what do you want?

Boris Johnson: *naked, afraid, and sweaty* i did what you said, Mum! here, take a look!

he hands her some parchment.

The Queen: NOT GOOD ENOUGH! you are writing the Constitution for the WHOLE of the UK, not just England! honestly we should have done this like 900 years ago but Prime Minister was your dream, right, Bojo?

Bojo: oh man, the Parliament seats are so sticky from banana butter, they stick to my hairy back! i tripped on a row of ditch-shovels on my way here. it's hot indoors, hotter than outdoors. and all i have to write with is a quill! AND The Naked Brexit Lady is next to me sneering at me smeared with her lips half-lipsticked with streaks of Bush ruby-red. the band not the nostalgic president.

The Queen: finish and i'll give you a kiss. Bojo, dahlin, you're writing the first draft of history! this is quite historic innit! if you have calligraphy questions hit up Mike here. if you don't complete this by Halloween, there's a purple leg-shackle with your name on it at the Tower.

Bojo: really? what does it say?

The Queen: engraved by the ravens with their talons as they joppily jaunt each morning on the lawn: it says:

TOM THUMB

now toodle on, dear, i'm busy, i got a country to run. *picks up Victorian phone* yes, hello? The Pope? wanna get married?...

Martin Scorsese opens the door to his Victorian mansion and picks up the paper. Stan Lee bumrushes inside.

Scorsese: you're looking quite blue, Stan.

Stan: i'm dead. imma hologram.

Scorsese: knew it. the only question which remains is:

why isn't the universe blue?

look imma handle it like Adam Silver, kay? i'll get Wilford Brimley to play you in my next picture. Wilford Brimley isn't blue, right?

Stan: you gotta call the whole thing off, Marty. it'll never work. take it from a friend, New York City will never survive this.

Scorsese: i know people who can handle things. smooth things over. i elect police commissioners. *ring ring* gotta take this, thank you and good night, my Victorian-mansion phone is ringing.

Scorsese: yes hello?

Samuel L Jackson: the thing is, you'd think i would have starred in one of your sophisticated erudite implacable opaque gangster films by now. but have i? i can't remember. This Is Not For You.

Marty: Sam, Sam baby, take some drugs and calm down. i got you. what do you want? a producer credit? an arcade token? i know what you mean, you HAD to have been in one of my pictures...but i'm not certain...it's the Mandela Effect.

SLJ: that's racist.

at the Treehouse, Gladyce has begun the October tradition of instead of having the bright lights of the chandelier in the main living room, she shuts those lights shut and instead just turns on one nightstand lamp at the far corner which beams a mellow low sumptuous soft mood light of dark orange.

Doryce: very festive, dear! sets the mood alright! but it's a spooky mood, too.

Gladyce: i love tradition...that i start this year.

President Bump sits down next to them on the couch.

Bump: see? this is the problem. these orange bulbs, make me look orange when i'm not. we gotta get rid of them ALL. sorry. and see that plug it's plugged into? gotta go. i'm the High Energy President. only environmentally-sound energy-efficient bulbs from now on. the ones run on wind panels.

crones: why is it that you have a habit of ruining EVERYTHING?

Bump: i mean it's a dilemma. a conundrum, an E word as Churchill said...he should have taken E for his black-dog depression, he'd still be here. what does PG&E do? i'm a big fan of California so i don't want to tell them how to run their country. i mean the company decides to shut down power for like three days to prevent a conflagration catastrophe like last year which cost the state trillions in dollars and lives. but this angers many small-businesses who have to eat that lost three-days' of wages. the company said there would be NO reimbursements. it's a lose/lose situation.

Llywarch: you need power for Instagram. you know now a person's worth is valued on who they look like, which celebrity they look like, not on any story they write in the comments...

Dirg: for the record, you look like Billy Bob Thornton.

Laertus: can we talk about the new episodes of Spider-Man first?

Dirg: nope. one saga is enough for a lifetime of mine.

Dirg: but it is cool, man. it really is. they turned the corner this show.

Eye Luggage: yes! now if only Harley would grow a Commander-Riker beard...

Laertus: the Superior Spider-Man Saga is sublime! whoever voices Doc Oc, i'd give him the Emmy RIGHT NOW in his 8-pocket hands! i like this kind of character, you don't see much of it in media.

Dirg: the anti-hero, i've studied him fistfully and fruitfully.

Laertus: Superior Spider-Man is endlessly fascinating: he's a good guy who fights tooth-and-nail to get the bad guy, yet he's rude about it. there's no light banter and wordplay, he ACTS like a villain while he's kicking the bad guys' asses. it's a game to him, he's doing it to show the world they were wrong about him, to show off, to get the glory, not for justice or any kind of altruism. to show he's better at it than anyone else could be. he HATES helping people but he views it more like his job, he has to. he does this begrudgingly, not for Ben.

Eye: like those priests on that Irish sitcom…

Dirg: is it so bad to build Spider Robots? Spider Robots are cool. Mary Jane Watson won't admit it but she masturbates to Superior Spider-Man…

Eye: SHE's hit the jackpot! SVU and go.

Laertus: okay i gotta admit, Gunsmoke on the bar-tv at the beginning of the episode was cool. i want that vice cop to be on the regular cast, she was awesome! want her to be the new detective.

Dirg: it is so meta tho, right? i mean this actress who is sexually-assaulted at the audition on the show, PLAYING this part, was probably ACTUALLY sexually-assaulted at an audition in real life in just the way the script is written! by Harvey Weinstein in a towel with little Charlie-roses on it. Ariel Winter's body is ridiculous. you gotta admit, it is SO WEIRD to see Emilia Clarke with highlights in her hair in a very proper very English romcom at an ice-rink not wearing any sort of dragon robe.

Eye: okay i have to admit. begrudgingly. at least it's still kinda Winter.

Eye: The Gods Must Be Crazy and go. wait, what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh just how suicide must NEVER be glamorized. it's not cool, kids.

Laertus: can we do the Panera commercial first?

Eye: i get no respect around here.

Laertus: it's just...you know?

Eye: *sigh* yeah i know. it's just food, dude! it's just food. the people in these commercials eat the Panera food like they've literally never seen, heard, smelt, or tasted food before! SALAD?!! SANDWICHES?!! BOWLS?!! the dude at the end trying to sport a thin-veneer Commander-Riker beard, he literally eats the bowl of salad, licks the Russian dressing between his V-victory fingers, turns the wooden bowl over to see if there's any more salad scrap stragglers he missed, crumples up the brown-paper napkin into a basketball, and tosses it in the bowl for 2 points and a job well done.

Dirg: i eat like this, too. heartland food. gotta be thankful for the bounty and the harvest. gotta be thankful to Thanos and his fat twitter-fingers.

Laertus: okay, this film. made me an atheist.

Dirg: sigh.

Laertus: this film is FUCKING FUNNY. there's a lot of stupid movies out there that are fart-funny, this is FUCKING FUNNY. i mean the entire thing is FUCKING HILARIOUS. best comedy writing i've seen since SNL in the '80s.

Pete Davidson: i'm the real Joker. Joaquin PLAYS the Joker. the Joker IS me in real life...i mean picture me with clown makeup, right?...my lips are perfect for it...

Dirg: where do we start first, Larry?

Laertus: the dubbing. right? the voice dubbing. it's like a bad commercial. the whole film is rushed. the South African actors and actresses are speaking Afrikaans but their mouth-movements don't align and match the British vocal dub---both Englishes---everyone is speaking too fast. this entire film hits the Fast-Forward button for comedic effect and the button is stuck. reminds me of that toy-car commercial in the '80s with the spokesman who ran his mouth like an auctioneer on speed, the fastest voice ever recorded, the fastest talker.

Eye: i've known my share of fast-talkers in my time. i would have loved to hear the film in its original form of native Afrikaans. it's all ironic of course cos the language which stands out the most in this is the Bushman clicking. i make that same clicking sound when i make love to my hammer under the sheets.

Dirg: my vagina makes that clicking sound. Nixau…

President Obama: that's not me...

Laertus: not an anime name. an absolute STAR. a genuine natural beautiful human being. if only ALL actors could convey human existence like he did.

Dirg: dude got jipped of his hard-earned earnings and cash and money. by the success of this film he should be living large in the Hollywood Hills now. in a mansion with a thatch roof. but hey, just another day, right, blood? just another day in the black-man's experience in this world. i mean Nixau should be Kevin Hart now...i don't mean to specifically single out Kevin Hart like i did here but...

Laertus: no name-outs, this is a safe space. poor soul couldn't count past 20. he was so valuable, he couldn't go to school cos he was the only one keeping this specific tradition alive...speaks to the overall rigged education system in this world.

Dirg: that's the thing, that's it, they jipped him cos they knew he couldn't count past 20. he was worth 21 million dollars.

Laertus: the film is brilliant in the beginning, it's so true, modern man is ridiculous and values things like alarm clocks to wake up and go to a separate room not your bedroom to work. the Bushman are considered primitive but their society doesn't have a word for "ownership", think about that.

Laertus: it's weird with the sped-up film, like during the coup, shooting everyone at that Cabinet table, it's played for laughs. like speeding up the film discounts all the bloody permanent gun violence.

Dirg: just like the Democrats are trying to do speedily...

Laertus: what is this, Cantiflas? it does speak to the absurdity of all war. this film reinforced my everloving love and adoration of Coke.

Eye: when will Coke get with the times and put their drinks in paper bags?

Laertus: pollution. sad. back then in the '80s when there STILL WAS a chance to ACTUALLY save the planet. the Veld was so beautiful and green back then, not always brown. Sandra Prinsloo...

Eye: ...why didn't she break out? she's the Meryl Streep of South Africa but why isn't she the Meryl Streep of Meryl Streep?

Dirg: this is the greatest South African film of all time. which is disheartening, right? look i like Nixau as much as the next shrimp-barber, but they should have broken Nelson Mandela out of jail to play this part. Sandra was everyone's first jack, she was mine.

Dirg: oh hello Ms. Sandra Prinsloo. thank you so much for coming all this way to join us at our podcast...no sorry, the bathroom's locked, come back tomorrow...

Laertus: Sandra had an interracial kiss doing a stage play in Johannesburg which almost took down the country, shook it to her knees. she and her black-man costar were really acting out the same real scenario Uhura and Kirk went through. it just goes to my theory that it's the actresses who must become activists for a country to survive. change starts with goofy sex. taboos are just latent revolutions.

Dirg: Johannesburg or Tembisa? eh, probably Johannesburg.

Dirg: someone had sex with Goofy. use latex.

Eye: OMG that courtship was the clunkiest clumsiest cutest thing ever! when he tosses her in the drink and she gets soaking wet! throw your shoe at him, girl! the jeep/trying-to-open-the-gate scene will live in lore and caused a billion people to give up on brakes and walk everywhere, including me. and the scene when he bumbles into the classroom, that so reminded me of that exact scenario in Indecent Proposal with the laughing students. so beautiful is God's Window, so mysteriously misty, i want to die there.

Laertus: not by jumping tho, right? like as a concept.

Dirg: that God's Window pit is bottomless. you know jeeps are made by Satan, notice they only work in extreme heat and they have no doors. cars without doors are unnatural. i'm glad Nixau recognized his gods were white. and why did the revolutionary leader look like Pasqually from Chuck E Cheese?

Laertus: to build on last week, i only wanted one missing scene: i wanted Sandra and Nixau to fuck to complete the revolution.

Dirg: on a bed of elephant dung for the fetishists. i mean the naturalists.

at the con---the other convention---Madame Pons and Sue Su are setting up for the livestream at Colorado Springs.

Sue Su: okay we gotta make this quick. but it has to last long enough for the buy-ins and small-donors to get their money's worth. don't be afraid to show your face to the camera and show on your face that you're enjoying this.

Madame Pons: i'm a little nervous and nauseous and wary about all this. there's new and then there's crazy. i was never a voyeur before.

Sue: but you said it yourself, this isn't sex. it is but it's more like healing the circadian rhythms of a doomed world, setting them in harmonious balance again, people will watch you and learn how to be better people.

a man crawls in bed with Madame Pons speedily slipping under her the human sheet as he keeps his face from camera-view.

Madame Pons: OMG IT'S YOU!!!

Sue: SHHHHH! nobody can know it's ever him! the camera will be on you at all times. your frame in the frame.

Madame Pons: i have a muscular frame for a woman. oh well. here's to the muscle girls. all that NOT red meat. off with the kit!

she lets her lithe lilac gown go to the floor. Madame Pons climbs on top of the man and starts pounding from within. her chakras. her stomach muscles get a workout. she starts thrashing and her eyes close but not for long cos the customers don't like that. a lot of ahhs and aahs and breaths and Pons's eyes turn red as her chin.

Madame Pons: fuck. it's been too long.

the man tries his best to scoop her butt with both his hands, keeping her ass in a cage of his fingers in rhythm as she punches his heart with her fist.

Madame Pons: well, i am a madam after all...

at the other con, Dirg is a mess. Aubrey Black is the new Starbucks Girl at the Starbucks telephone-booth kiosk. she holds a lobster margarita in one hand and blows a kiss with the other. she holds a toothpick between her tongue:

Aubrey Black: i'm that other Black from New Zealand who isn't a brutish beefcake tatted-up-in-the-face male rugby player. when do I become the Red Power Ranger?

Dirg: gotta drink hella more Pink Drinks first, honey. with wasp honey.

Laertus: what now, buddy? where are you? *using an Inspector Gadget phone*

Dirg: i'm at Perdue Headquarters.

Laertus: oh shit really? it's gotten that bad and drastic!? look, buddy, drugs are never the answer!

Dirg: no, the chicken! the chicken sandwiches! headquartered here in San Francisco. i have a problem. I NEED CHICKEN SANDWICHES NOW!!!

TMIT: IS THIS THE REAL LIFE?

1. you have a new career as a Dom or Dominatrix. are you in it for the money or the enjoyment?

you know i had a mindfuck when i switched high schools. went from Crispi Crackers in urbane sophisticated suburban Los Angeles to Seven Palms on a dirt track in the middle of country-nowhere. see my best friend was always Lucio Rossi: a kind fellow-nerd kid who indulged my video-game fantasies, was uncoordinated like me till tennis, built a skateboard out of his long gym bag to school cos he had a bad back and couldn't lift weights, and was the best person who ever lived. then when i get transferred i run into Dominic Rossi who is NOTHING like the other Rossi. THIS Rossi is who you'd expect: from a mob family, big, vicious and cruel, sarcastic, sports-oriented, and willing to buckle the knees of any mook who interfered with the racquet racket with a lacrosse stick. not a holistick. my psyche rended in two and i've never recovered since.

2. do you have a favorite spanking scenario? do tell:

we cuddle up under one scratchy desert-color blanket while my roommate is away and the mice are sleeping and watch Amadeus together with one lightbulb, which gleams during the fog scenes. we watch those lost shorts of Three Stooges, the ones made during the War when The Stooges served yet somehow made it on their Snoopy Red Baron jet-propeller planes back to Los Angeles in time to film the reels.

i know it's The Little Rascals. but shouldn't it have been Spanky?...…...shouldn't one of the Stooges have been named Spanky?......that's a no-brainer, right?...

3. would you rather go topless to work or bottomless to a family dinner?

look. it was no big deal. it was a dinner, i had some friends over. we had a nice breakfast. at 3 at night. or in the morning so it counts. we had some nice toast with honey with some nice orange juice. Winnie the Pooh and Donald Duck came over...

4. tell us your doctor-patient fantasy:

drugs. cos my doctor is Doctor Feelgood...

...no but seriously my OTP Forever is Julia Ormond and Vincent D'Onofrio in that last season of Criminal Intent. right?!! let me tell you, you will NEVER have better messy wonderful lurid taboo sex than the sex with your therapist. trust me, fuck your psychiatrist and watch the rainbows hit your eyes. i wanted those two to have kids, those were future unbalanced characters right there! a scriptwriter's dream! a porn scene right there in her office, the heady doctor and the crazy cop, THAT's how you get a show renewed!

and WHY did it have to be the last season!!? the psychiatrist storyline was just giving the show the new blood-transfusion it desperately needed to survive and thrive the cruel world of television! and WHY did it have to be SVU to break Gunsmoke? if there could only be one Law & Order, it should have been the MOTHERSHIP to abduct the record! but i would have ACCEPTED Criminal Intent to do it, too!

5. tie me up and ___ my ___

loosen my ascot

BONUS: what is the last act of kindness you did for you partner, friend, or family member?

i bit the bullet for them all, took one for the team, and was the only one in my neighborhood who watched the new Cats film in theatres...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

THE GOOD OL' DAYS

notes:

* remember when Roseanne spit after the National Anthem?......jus' sayin'...

* Babe Ruth: you know why they call me Babe, kid?
Bryce Harper: don't you DARE drag my son into this!!? you can make fun of me if that gets your balls wet and you paid for a ticket, but don't you DARE disparage my innocent sweet Heaven-bound boy! go on, make fun of my '90s mohawk.
Babe: i was just gonna say...cos i was like a big kid or something...
Bryce: NO. you look like a girl, that's why. you're pretty. you're Pretty Boy Floyd. you look like a chick.

* Rotoscope, Ralph Bakshi is spinning rolling and turning in his grave...

*  Ferris Bueller: hey kid, you're skipping school to watch day baseball like me, too, huh.
hangdog kid with glove chin against the railing: i'm so depressed. they gave out the last Eeyore plush. what's this skipping? that's girl malarkey. i'm playing hooky. ever heard of it, mister? that's when you get read books to by women in lily boas on the top floors of saloons.
Ferris: what's your name, whipsmart kid?
kid: Billy Crystal...

* Jesus: what up, Judge? you haven't been playing well of late. without the home run you're nothing.
Judge: hey, who said you could be back here?
Jesus: just sanding your bat. i'm a carpenter's son. you know i try not to judge based on looks, but you look like if Derek Jeter HAD juiced. your smile is creepy, you need to see a dentist stat. here, here are some baskets to help you in love.
Judge: hey man, only one man can judge me...
Jesus: yes, me.

* it's faster...younger...
young Barry Bonds: WOW! this game is awesome! i can't imagine me barely able to balance myself on my bat during an interview when i'm an old man who needs a big black couch in my San Fran loft and a girlfriend/hooker.
Bernie Sanders: believe it, kid. all you kids think about is stats! all I think about is stents! don't you think your father would be ashamed of what you did?
Barry: i didn't want to. but how do you compete when your competitors are cheating?
Bernie: i've asked myself that very question. look Bonzo or whatever your name is, just drink orange juice, okay? the little glasses, that's the secret, the little pancake-house little glasses of oj.
Barry: mister, you're racist.

* it was better back then. remember the Expos? they had the BEST uniforms. now they're in Washington where everything turns to shit.

* Stephen Strasburg: you need to get a better doctor's note. i was able to get out of the entire preseason on the team farm.
Clayton Kershaw: if i don't win it this year i'm gonna need a doctor, a funny-farm doctor like Gary Gulman went to.

* Cy Young: wait, was i the racist or was it Ty Cobb?
Ty Cobb: am i just Cy Young in an alternate universe? we have the same name.
Mookie: yo man, you need to learn a Latin dance when you bomb one. on stage. you need to have a friend named Mookie, your life would be better. you need a friend who rounds the bases like a spider. who picks up a base after stealing the most, declares himself the Greatest Who Ever Lived, and tosses the microphone burying it in the sand. you need to LIVE, man. live MAS.

* the kids are here, it's their time now, whether you like it or not.
no, grandpa, don't drink that! it's not almond liqueur! it's Old Spice aftershave!
grandpa in leather folding couch: i can't live in a world of millennials using their Cancel Culture decoder rings to ruin baseball like they did The Joker!

* Vin Scully: when i die, i will replace God. it's This Week In Baseball...
ESPN: let's go back to Sports Machine!
Phoenix: i get my news now from some livestram podcast of Manafort's son in a rainbow beanie hat with a twirly-bird propeller on top but there's a conflict of interest cos pops still represents Pistorius.
Vin: son are you taking the greenies again?
Phoenix: marijuana?

* Alex Rodriguez: Russians play baseball. they play ball. i was the only American reporter allowed in to cover the Ukrainian Baseball Team. they mostly play in the mine fields so no one sees them. except Prince Harry who published a newspaper article on them. they were SO disappointed when it was me and not Jennifer Lopez they spilled out the rest of their vodka on the grave of their hopes.

* A's: well that sucked. no A's/Dodgers series like it was in the '70s. isn't Moneyball supposed to...you know...work?
Fernando Valenzuela: i felt bad cos i could never grow a mustache like Cheech and Chong. so i grew glasses instead.

* Commissioner of Baseball: good news, everyone! the winner of the World Series will get not a ring or decoder ring but a cheese pizza and root beer at the arcade! and TWO tokens for Pac-Man! oh what the hell, make it Ms. Pac-Man! the beer with the real FROTH! and tho we are an all-white team, we will watch Roots together after the pizza party as we sit our behinds on top of the paper table...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies, enjoy the Divisionals! i only watch baseball NOW when the games ACTUALLY matter. there's a chill in the air, the baseball is filled with a ball of anxiety and sorrow, of tight longing energy. each pitch takes so damn LONG to be thrown, the tension in the air is colder than Fall.

TOMORROW: carne asada from Chipotle. on the side. as an aside. have to since i wrote about it in my story. but i've never had a bowl from Chipotle before. i'm scared.

BOXED: IS ANDY DICK A DICK?

President Bump: *trying a foreign Dominican accent* baseball has been very very good to me.

Ukrainian President: you know this whole thing has been the #1 Comedy in my country for weeks now on tv. and i know comedy! Putin is a great stand-up!

The White Spy and The Black Spy from Mad Magazine hold shoulders together and walk determinedly right up to the President. of Murica.

Bump: i'll only talk to White Spy.

White Spy: oh no, don't you divide us again! we come in peace. and unity. not cool, bro, not cool. i mean talk about hitting us when we're down! we're still shook over this institution that has guided the youth of America to be snarky to their parents for decades now---really coming into our own during Woodstock---this thing that has always been on news shelves suddenly coming to an end and soon millennials will only know the Mad Jr. show on Cartoon Network!!! and then YOU have to insert yourself into every burning trash heap like you always do. safes are for big black balls with a lit birthday candle on top.

Bump: news stands?

Black Spy: insert being not so much cos you have a small one. and i know 'em.

Bump: what, you're safe, it's just Black Spy who'll get dealt with. this is why it hurts so much that De Niro hates me, i'm a fan.

Black Spy: we have temporarily suspended our civil war permanently. i'm an ally to White Spy now that he's come out. and told you this. you know, instead of hanging me you could give me a fate worse than death: send me back in time to sharecroppers' times and let me earn a living. hear me this, you big fat bully:

WE SHALL BE DRAWN AGAIN!!!

Saskia Maarleveld: when do I become a Female Power Ranger?

at Alienstock, Dirg leads Laertus by the coattails:

Laertus: god damn it's still hot in Autumn! fuck this! get me inside! not inside a spaceship tho!

Dirg: hey, show some respect to Codrus, man! you're just a man! you are so vain, you take things in vain, you need Stephen A for you to get talked.

Laertus: come on, bro! why are we out here in the middle of a desert on a school night!?

Dirg: we out here! bro, when you refer to college in grade-school terms, i cringe. there them aliens in there, in that silver canister way out there, see it beyond the mountains through the haze? the government---at the behest of the whistleblower no doubt---is shutting us down cos they don't want young minds discovering the truth! you can't stop the next generation, we are armed with smartphones!

Eye Luggage: OMG! is that Mulder!!? i can spot Mulder anywhere in the world in a second, i have that sixth sick love sense about him.

the trio saunter up to the sweltering shelter with the sheet-metal doors blown out. there, cringing, gasping for food, is a disheveled Mulder with his face painted black.

Mulder: from all the ash. it's not...that. don't look at me, i'm hideous! i'm not the psychosexual casanova you knew before! i stopped a nuclear holocaust. but now i'm broke. man, i didn't think the recession would hit me in Hollywood, you know? i might have to change my vote. i REALLY need for X-Files to come back!

Eye: want me to kiss you to make you feel better?

Mulder: thank you, i get that a lot, but i have someone for that.

Alice Little squeezes out of the tiny hole in the kitchen---which is really just a sink in the bed.

Alice: Foxy Baby, you promised!

Mulder: what?

Alice: well i look like Scully, don't i? come on, you said we're in this together. you're not paying me for my services so you better get me the part! i'll go solo on yo azz and do my own reboot if you're not careful, buster!

Mulder: i love it when you talk '30s-Vegas.

on the other side of the painted desert, Aron Eisenberg softly kisses the hand of Malissa Longo. Malissa kisses his part of the body where his kidney is like he's pregnant.

Aron: well, it was a good life. but it's quickly upon us now. you made it what it was, i was nothing till i met you.

Malissa's tears evaporate in thin air that's how hot the desert is at night.

Aron: help me put the fuel in the tank, babe.

Malissa and Aron spend the rest of the night putting egg nog in the tank and readying the rocket.

Aron: hurry, before the sun rises and there's no more stars. i am ready to go to the stars forever.

Malissa: i need to go, too! i am NOTHING without you!!!

Aron: what? well...…...okay, you're right, the journey will be more fun together! let's go! did you pack my face sunscreen?

the rocket takes off...as it reaches the stars, it explodes in a giant balloon firework of eggnog as a flying cart comes out of nowhere and crashes into it.

Bump: OMG DID YOU SEE THAT ON TWITTER!!? that was fucking awesome! *he makes the devil-horns with his small fingers* now THAT is MURICA!!! THAT IS mETAL!!! and i don't even care that the dude was Mexican or Jewish! now THAT's following my orders if you want to live here!

Danny Dimes: *trying a New York accent for the first time* eeeyah OMG this is so awesome, i feel like a New Yawkee now!

Eli Manning: fuhgettabouttit yous, they only drafted you cos you look EXACTLY like me!

Baker Mayfield: you know how i know we're gonna win it all this year? my hot wife's already outshining me for the Oscar. like LeBron. i bake pretzels. we come from the streets, from Hellish Kitchens. and our endzones are literally the Burger King colors!

Bump: yeah look, i stopped Colin from joining a team cos i want to have him as my only black friend, my only friend. i love Kaep, i want him all to myself.

Bump walks down Abbey Road with Boris Johnson. they walk side-by-side and their hairs touch.

they go across that ominous Bridge and into the Tower. to meet The Queen.

Doryce and Gladyce: don't worry, loves, we got this. The Queen is our #1 Spy from HomeCountry!

Bojo: so, um, can you, like, choose which way the UK is gonna go here?

The Queen gets down from off her throne---and the Downtown Abbey Road she was watching on her little purple velvet armrest secret black-and-white tv that slides off and on---pulls down Bojo's pants and spanks the hell out of his bottom.

The Queen: did you do the homework i assigned you, Bojobo? you will FEEL MeToo!!!

Bojo: NO, mummy, stop hitting me! i'm getting childhood flashbacks that aren't nostalgic! i've been busy of late! but i am ever so much a good boy! i'm a good boy!

Bump: i don't get it here. btw you should thank me, Boris, for taking vacation time to come see you.

Bojo: you're just here to beat the heat, as in escape the heat.

Bump: when we walk down the street as a band of thugs, why don't the people fear us and separate into Moses sea waves? why don't YOU fear us?

The Queen: love, we're used to mad kings around here, you're nothing to history. the people see a band alright: Flock of Seagulls. you two have matching hair!

Bump: hey, my hair is like a mane, i am manic. i am a lion, a billion years of tiger DNA made the kitty.

Greta Thunberg: why do we need to go to school? what's the point? i mean September's always tornado season in the Plains, why not wait till NBA basketball starts?

Bump: are you stalking me all around the world, little girl!?

Greta: yes, globe...…...globe...

Gladyce: so we're here in Bitchfield…

Doryce: haha, gotta love it! all done with your shopping, lover?

Gladyce: almost, gotta get my Special K.

Doryce: as long as it's not Keto, that's the Devil's Diet. diet culture is ruining culture like Cancel Culture. you know i figured it out, it's not that special taste of iron of the Special K's special bumpy flake shapes that gets you hooked, it's the aesthetically-pleasing shape of the box. it's not quite a square, not quite a rectangle, it's a long rectangle, it changes depending on which side you look at it like a witch's mirror.

Doryce: did you do the salt? did you put the salt in the drains to clear the drains?

Dirg: yeah yeah. this salt is made by Morton, the same company that does table salt! they're differently-shaped crystals. with that girl on the cover in the yellow slicker and umbrella who looks like Greta Thunberg. i admit, i'm starting to warm towards Greta---not making fun of her anymore---but those online showing me the error of my ways are making me uncomfortable.

Dirg takes a lick and swallows one.

Dirg: delicious.

Madame Pons: that may be hazardous to your health. just like women's crystals to find love! pieces of the heart, that proves it. i am so mad right now having just got off the smartphone with my sister! she makes me so mad!

Sue Su: *livestreaming from Colorado Springs* what up, babe?

Madame Pons: oh it's nothing. it's everything. she tells me i need to cut my hair cos the drains at the Treehouse are being clogged everyday with my long-hair strands! they needed to drain the drains and it cost 400 bucks! to clean out a year's worth of MY hair! i told her my hair were like the Tree's branches! i mean I'M the one paying the rent around here, i should live how i want! i swear i have a mind to...

Sue: hey, come over to the Retreat site, we're all waiting for you. see? see this great big giant white bed with no pillows behind me? it has your name on it!

Madame Pons: you know, i think i'll just take you up! i have a few vacation days from LUSH, i need to burn some negative energy. decompress and digital-detox. my sister tells me to stop with the Reishi shit as she calls it. well i'll show her the best Hollywood actresses are Reishi practitioners on their break, not waitresses anymore!

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh how Joaquin Phoenix's whole life changed when he decided to hop a ride on a nautical parade...like the same way Ferris Bueller crashed a random parade…

Laertus: can we discuss the Geico commercial first?

Dirg: nothing wrong with it. laundromats are very vaporwave.

Laertus: the poor fat woman tells her story of how she was able to match every item of her clothing and all the socks into pairs at the laundromat. and won a rare award for it. problem is, the woman in the recreation of her life story is decidedly thinner, prettier, and blonder than she is. i mean come on!

Eye Luggage: is Andy Dick a dick?

Dirg: yes, but i'm thinking Larry and i differ on details. just the points, ma'am.

Laertus: in retrospect, you have to wonder. really wonder. i mean the bizarre behavior. not on Dr. Drew, on Conan, when he was dragging Ivanka Trump by her shoulders and ankles to get a lick of her face.

Eye: i believe it was Paris Hilton but they're the same girl.

Laertus: he was the one who gave her the drugs, the drugs which made Phil Hartman's wife break and go over line and limit and snap right as she was recovering and almost fully-sober again.

Eye: how sad is it that she's just referred to only as Phil Hartman's wife, this woman has no soul of her own. did she ever? was she ever born?

Laertus: and then you look at poor David Strickland and that situation, Strickland stricken with having Dick near him. hookers and blow. did Andy give him the drugs on that fateful bedroom night in Vegas? would David still be here today? bedroom sheets, beds are supposed to be comforting, no heavy comforters that you can't breathe. a bright star dimmed too soon. the guy's responsible for a lot of death and destruction in his wake even if it's secondhand, i'll never listen to "Praise You" the same again.

Dirg: he's a sniveling little idiot but still who gets into a fistfight with Jon Lovitz? like who makes Jon Lovitz ACTUALLY mad? not playacting sarcastic angry? for me it's just...well, Andy Dick is straight and...he just doesn't look like he'd be straight…

Eye: poor Mo from Mad Tv.

Laertus: at the same time, he's---what they say in Hollywood---talented, the dude's funny as fuck, it comes and springs forth from him living life on the literal edge...

Eye: Under the Mountain and go.

Dirg: yes! you know the deal, the past, the nostalgic past, when men were men, women were women, and children were children. when two small kids could sleep over at an old man with a white beard's house alone at night just the three of them and nobody cares. for hours, days, no missing-persons report filed.

Eye: they're not small defenseless kids, they're magic twins!

Laertus: there's Christmas in New Zealand, right? Christchurch, right? Santa's a creepy dude, right Dirg?

Dirg: i love that the fat boy drinks Fanta, the Nazi drink. learning early.

Laertus: i love that the teenager drives that buggy. it's Wacky Races in real life!

Eye: i love that the boy stands up for the girl and won't take shit from grandpa! he fends for her even though he doesn't have a leg to stand on cos he can't do the magic stuff as well as the girl, hahahaha!

Dirg: see? atheism screws everything up! you gotta believe! that boy can't afford to sit down, he wouldn't be able to get back up. i love that it's so '80s. with the family going on vacation climbing volcanoes in the tightest of tighty-whitie shorts, those were the days of short-shorts in the NBA!

Eye: that ginger girl is so cute, despite everything, i can't deny. her smile and blush are so innocent. she's a Pippi Longstocking reject and i love her. she has a crush on the teenage boy, it's obvious.

Dirg: let's not get into fraught family dynamics on this show. i mean this thing is brutal, do you know any other kids show that would kill off the teenage boy like that? poor soul. he was destined to play Ken with that speedboat of his. oh well, he would have just ended up like David Cassidy...

Dirg: NO special effects at all, just glowing lights pasted on, yet it maintained its creep factor. the whole thing is unsettling.

Eye: i know i've always said that i'd do anything if the Munsters were my real family and i lived with them like that blonde. or even as a green despite the hardship. but these bog slime-people are like if The Munsters WEREN'T happy-go-lucky! a pig-fuck force for good? and what's up with the slides? indoor slides? is this Monty Hall's house?

Dirg: see, humanity are murderers, it can't be helped.

Laertus: Blobs need to have fun, too. and WHY OH WHY did they have to go and make the film remake? is Sam Neill really that hard up for work? he needs to clear his reputation after everyone in the world hated him after The Piano.

Eye: speaking of, bring it home for us with Wristcutters: A Love Story.

Laertus: whimsical film, brilliant film, dangerous film. first of all that title, it's just hard for me to say, write, type, and imagine, don't like doing it. but you know, this film kinda comes close to normalizing suicide, like it's just another thing like mowing your lawn. tho it is brilliant the scape they come up with, that all those who "off" end up in this kind of dingy purgatory where no one smiles and it's just like our life but slightly lesser lower frequency.

Dirg: based on a brilliant graphic novel you guys should all read. about a pizzeria i want to work for with no turtles or rats or shredders, just slicers.

Eye: Shannyn Sossamon...

Dirg: ...is that girl at the party who you THINK you can get cos she's not the dumb blonde but realize you still CAN'T cos you're not smart enough for her.

Eye: she's the girl with that special sauce in her soul. she's the girl who ACTUALLY lives the goth life without having to wear the goth makeup. cos it would ruin her perfect face. and body. she's the girl you want to know what she's reading and you read all those books in one night.

Laertus: i was hoping they wouldn't actually show IT but they did, i had to look away, shield my eyes,  i'm squeamish about that sort of thing.

Eye: …

Laertus: no, not YOU, Eye, dear!

Dirg: Eugene the driver is the best. he tells it like it was back then with all that 9/11 anxiety we had. not racist aganst brown people...

Laertus: you had. just those with tans, right? based off Gogol Bordello...who basically started the whole white-nationalist music thing, right? i mean i know it was meant to be a joke with the Pasqually accordion and everything, but it's all right there beneath the lyrics. all these sadistic movements always start as jokes...

Dirg: i just go to concerts for the concertinas. that's where Google got their name...

Laertus: okay, it was funny when the kid who loses the soccer match wants to off and the big brother says he has the Meaning of Life: a slap to the face...which is about right. okay, i know this isn't PC, but i'd never off myself for Leslie Bibb, sorry, she just doesn't do it for me.

Eye: Mikal, she actually represents many suicides, they interviewed suicides who weren't successful on CNN and All of them, ALL of them, said they regretted it and wanted to live and would live again if they could. none of them actually wanted to die.

Dirg: i was hoping the People In Charge wouldn't be angels but fallen angels. and why did it turn into a Power Rangers Death Match in the desert all of a sudden? i don't need more cons in my life. look, Eugene is right about black guys. when the items started going straight up into the sky, i thought about that Existentialist Rotoscope film. now Rotoscope's making a comeback on tv, Ralph Bakshi is rolling in his grave. didn't they stop to think that maybe they weren't dead but on drugs?

Eye: Eugene ends up with the REAL Nanuk of the North and film history once again eats its own tail.

Laertus: surprised Bjork's not on the soundtrack. okay, the Zia/Mikal love scene---well, makeout, kiss, hug, should have been a sex scene, a real sex scene. if you're gonna show death at least balance it out with some love. i wouldn't have minded these two naked on the bed of used condoms and exposed needle-spikes, it would all fit into the macabre weird unsettling nature of the place they were in: the sex shouldn't be straightforward, it should be fraught like this, uneven, uncomfortable, messy, not quite beautiful a little uncertain ugliness thrown in there on the pile.

Dirg: you can't really separate your soul from your body, right?

Eye: well you can, but if we did there wouldn't be any more blogs and podcasts. i love Zia's desert speech, so heartwarming and heartbreaking, when he wishes it was all a dream and the attempt was unsuccessful and he'd wake up in a hospital bed, we've ALL had that dream...

Laertus: sorry Dirg, but European cars are just more filmic than American ones. especially when dusty.

Laertus: the scene at the end with the cataloguing in the warehouse is very Cigarette Smoking Man, first episode of The X-Files. hot take: Zia actually died in a car accident…

at the con:

Dirg: i don't know, buddy, they're taking over, they're taking everything, they're coming over the wall in droves. i'm trying to get some heartland food again. stuff from the farmers, from a farmer in Kansas running for Senate. and all i can get around here is carne asada.

Laertus: bro that's a Chipotle.

Dirg: i'm starting to lose it, man, the walls are closing in on me here. i need to escape but i don't know where to go. i told a random girl here that i liked her tats, that's code for you want to fuck her. she didn't notice me at all, like i was invisible in society. i don't get it, it works on Instagram.

Laertus: yeah, i know her, she works at the Chipotle here, she's in that commercial, the one with the one with the purple hair who doesn't use a microwave cos she's the good guys. she's the good guys, Dirg, what does that make you?

TMIT: MY THIRD EYE IS TICKLISH

1. what strange areas of your body are ticklish?

so my Simulated-Reality Body has an itchy crotch. but me---my physical body in this reality, this timeline---i do not have an itchy crotch…...needless to say my Simulated-Reality Body gets more dates...

2. what is something you are interested in sexually, but only on a purely fantasy level? something that you think about but could never fully act on:

Smurfs. you know? there is nothing sadder than self-sabotage. i'd be ruining my childhood on my own myself.

3. if you could have a week of the best sex ever in human history buy you had to have a fish head as your head for the rest of your life after that week, would you do it?

well yeah i mean Charlie the Tuna fucked Jessica Simpson.

4. what do you consider taboo and have you ever ventured into this territory? was it a great good bad or horrific experience?

fucking in a graveyard cemetery. i know i know, it seems cool to do, especially on Halloween Night. but there really is something to that Rest In Peace part, you disturb that eternal rest and you're gonna need more than TheraFlu to get out of it. when you're actually fucking on a gravestone, trying to balance everything in your life, you may see things differently. if you can see anything at all. like when i did it i looked at the gravestone and there in letters was engraved:

MY NAME!!!

5. what part of your body do you consider the most unusual that you enjoy being stimulated?

does anyone else instead of shaking hands with a stranger upon first meeting them kiss their knee? i'm not talking about their back-knee of course, that's too intimate, but just their front knee.

BONUS: if you could make a porn film/video with any celebrity, who would it be and why?

Marie Osmond. it'd be the most loving wholesome sex-positive sweetness-and-light religious porn ever made. and Sasha Grey, cos that'd be like doing a linereading with De Niro......well '70s De Niro anyway...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY

THE LIFE STORY OF CYNDI LAUPER

notes:

* no not the Cosentyx commercial

* ah, "Time After Time", that music video makes me cry every time...it makes me cry time after time...

* two cars parked on the edge of the public school just skirting the chainmail:
junk car: hi. Mr. Holland! are you working on a new Opus?
Buick: um, you're not supposed to see me! i have to stay a few steps behind your daughter at all times. please just take your tuba and go see the substitute.

* mom: excuse me, where's the school?
bellboy: Degrassi?
mom: fuck The New Class! Degrassi ended when it ended on Nickelodeon!

* bellboy: may i take your coat?
mom: how DARE you, young man! do you think i'm a milf? don't answer that question! where's my daughter! you're keeping her here against her will!
bellboy: no it's just you can't enter if you're five minutes late.
mom: have you heard of WORKING, son! this concert sucks anyway! wake me up when Rush gets on stage!

* mom: daughter, you are a musical savant! i love that you play the cello. it's just, you're developing muscles from carrying around that thing.
daughter: mom i thought you were progressive.
mom: it's cool it's cool it's just you can beat me up now, you know?
daughter: would you prefer it if i took up the violin?
mom: yes.
daughter: *pinkie* that'll be 1 MILLION DOLLARS.
mom: that better come wth tea!
daughter: spill the tea, sis.

* mom: how was school?
daughter: it was school.
mom: why are there spider cobwebs on all the school windows?
daughter: it's Halloween. and it's not Halloween. why are we in your junk Volvo in the middle of an instersection at 3AM at night overlooking a Los Angeles highway? i am freaked out by this, mom, i'd rather be home doing homework!
mom: i just had a craving for a donut, that's all. and some bail bonds.
daughter: mom, you're causing a scene. they're honking at you.
mom: i know i'm hot.

* realtor: so you will never be able to afford a house, apartment only till you die.
mom: i know. that's a cool blue binder you have there.
realtor: us women need to stick together.
mom: um, can i keep this blue book? i can still dream of cars, right?

* mom: take in the groceries, daughter.
daughter: you don't know my name, do you?
mom: your instrument doesn't count. only carrots and celery.

* mom: do you like Roger Rabbit?
daughter: no i swear!
mom: are you sure?
daughter: where'd you get that calendar?
mom: i have a friend named Brett.
daughter: Manhattan?
mom: that's some Watchmen shit.

* daughter: OMG. what is this? did i get in? no i mean what is this? a letter? what's that? they said i can go but i CAN'T WEAR MY PINK JEANS!!!???
mom: you show them, daughter. you be a rebel. you slither onto that campus your first day in PINK HAIR!!!...

* daughter: mom, i used the trash can today. the real trash can, not the little icon on my computer.
mom: why? i found something deeply disturbing in your room.
daughter: what?
mom: a Smashing Pumpkins poster, for their new 2019 tour. they haven't been good since Infinite Sadness. i found something deeply disturbing on your computer.
daughter: porn? which is our generation's sex ed.
mom: no, your acceptance letter! how DARE you! when were you gonna tell me?
daughter: we're poor mfs. i just figured i'd have to wait till Ivanka became President.
mom: *tears* i still have this car so you CAN afford to go.
daughter: *tears* thank you, mom. but what are you gonna do?
mom: i'm gonna walk everywhere from now on.
daughter: that's good, you fat.

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: the new pretzel bun from Burger King. i'm not celebrating, i'm not counting my chickens, that's why no Burger King breakfast sandwich with egg. i figure this could be a tribute. to that story i did on pretzels…