Wednesday, August 21, 2019

BOXED: THE LIFE



Ghislaine Maxwell lowers her head into her white paper bag as the photogs descend and converge onto her back like flashing vultures.

Emma from Jeopardy: you're a bad woman!

Sinphony and Velvetta give her the Italian freda curse sign with their python-head fingers.

Chris Cuomo: i mean the word is Fredo. it's really not so big a deal. like friendo. or Fredo Rogers.

Sinphony: you will pay a million lifetimes in Hell! believe me i know Hell!

Velvetta: how could you have associated yourself with Codrus like that!?

Ghislaine: *meekly* hey i just partied with the guy. the reports of my ballbusting have been greatly exaggerated. i had no idea. i thought those were hair appointments. okay nail appointments. but not that kind of nails. have you tried the hot cocoa here? it's wonderful.

Vanity Fair blonde in a British/Australian accent: when we come to In N Out Burger, we expect coffee! and tawk! and spilling of guts! not onto the burger! that's not the secret wild-style Californian salad-pink sauce!

President Bump: i am The Son of Codrus, why don't you ask him yourself.

Emma: Ghislaine, such a lilting gaelic magical-fairy name! for such an old ogre-tree of a witch! an evil witch! one who belongs in gaol! it's one thing to be a pimp, but to be a pimpess?! for shame!

Ghislaine: okay get this girl a Maxwell coffee, something's wrong with her throat. i mean seriously, what is UP with your voice? it's the strangest voice i've ever heard in any living being of existence, including flowers. it's like a medical condition but you claim you're normal. it's like those girls who baby-voice to get laid and then forget how to speak normally again. it's like you swallowed battery acid. it's like your tongue is trolling you. your voice is slightly demonic in a sweet way. what i'm saying is YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL TREE SPRITE.

Emma: what i'm saying, madam, is I SHOULD HAVE THE NAME GHISLAINE!!! I EARNED IT!!! yes, hello, one Sprite, please.

at Obec College University, the Professor grows impatient with Dirg's raised hand:

Professor: go ahead, you mongrel.

Dirg: see that In N Out picture? that's deepfake.

at the Cave, President Bump is building a coalition:

Putin: where is this cave located again?

Bump: Greenland. which should be called Denmarkland. it's nice and cool in this cave, right? away from the heat. you know what is the leading factor of young white boys going crazy? the stifling heat of summer. people go crazy in the heat. it's not thinking ideas, it's the sun giving us too many video games and the sun is mental health. imma install a jacuzzi on the Cream House front lawn with just cold air-bubble jets. and a pelican. penguin. standee.

Putin: and there's nothing to do in summer vacation, boys get in a lot of trouble. and your best friend gets shipped off to a labor camp which messes you up for life.

Llywarch: what the fuck Putin. what was with that lawyerly Instagram notification?

Putin: hey that wasn't me. Instagram owns all the photos from everyone in the world, we use them purely for research not invasion, for our imminent invasion. all the countries. as the smart people liberal-elite college-prep college people know that was just an Instagram hoax we put out there to have some fun, to break the Greenland ice.

Bump: it's an old canard.

Putin smiles deceptively deviously.

Putin: the real hoax...is that it's not a hoax...

Linzess woman: are you crazy cos the Denmark woman who turned down your indecent-proposal proposition is a woman? cos she's a woman.

Bump: no it has nothing to do with that, not at all. what do you take me for? a man? my only concern is that she's not a golfer, you know? me and Tiger, we're different, only certain people can understand us. it takes a golfer to know a golfer. Greenland is full of golf greens. and it's the perfect crucial pivotal place spot to launch my Green New Deal.

Putin: you know Greenland is mostly ice, right? it's fertile ground to grow maraschino cherries. and for cutting black holes with saws.

Bump: that was my favorite cartoon.

Linzess woman: you know Greenland isn't as big as it looks like on globes, right? it's more the size of New Jersey, just ask Maria LaRosa.

Bump: no, she turned me down. yeah true, all globes are globalist fake news, should be flat maps.

Linzess woman: but not Mercator maps.

Bump: look, to show i have no hard feelings for this nasty woman, i'll call her right now.

a black hand in a black arm in a black suit answers the phone on the other end.

Janet Jackson: yes, you're speaking to the Queen of Greenland. yes i know you can see my smile through the phone. Greenland is autonomous you know.

Bump: yes, like i want America to be, autocratic i mean autonomous.

Laertus gets up out of his seat to address the auditorium:

Laertus: do i need to start over? the world is cracking and this ain't no earthquake. all the good souls have left us. all the good celebrities are dead. all the good rock stars went bye bye. all the reactionary writers are reading requiescat in pace recessionals. black writers weren't black enough or too real and were shunned from their communities. whom do we turn to now? why i was taken affright aback just this morning when i saw Tom Morello in a red hat...till i saw the words MAKE AMERICA RAGE AGAIN on the lip. who is our moral compass? who can speak the revolutionary words which will return us to normalcy?

Professor: ladies and gentlemen, our guest speaker for the evening, Ms. Marianne Williamson.

polite smattering applause.

Marianne: thank you, i love college campuses, education is not brainwashing. i don't have a college degree so i'm more "of the people", i'm real, i'm one of you. i'm here to provide you an alternative. alternative medicine.

Russell Brand in the audience: *hooping and hollering, hair flitting around everywhere* you go, babe! WHOOO!!!

Marianne: *red-faced* shit, now i'm off-track. set. fuck. thanks, babe. damn. what was i talking about again? the game? this ain't no game. this is about depression, the one disease mankind has never cured.

Tyzik: depression means different things to different people. so now i will coalition all these into the true definition. please, attack me where i'm wrong, woman. depression is like when you get up at 5AM at the crack cos you need to catch a flight. your internal clock is off the rest of the day. you're just always tired no matter what you do. you're just not quite right, off by a few centimeters. your body clock is screwed on at a slight angle, you can see the light at the end of the runway offing, but you can't quite reach it. you wish you felt sad, because what you really feel is nothing. there's a numbing, a deadening inside you. so what do you do? you go to sleep early the next night, right? to regain and recoup what you've missed. except no matter how much sleep you get, you can't quite ever get "back to normal" when it comes to your sleep, your feelings, and your life. it's like there's this chunk of time in the ether, this chunk of clouds you'll never get back.

Marianne: exactly. in my case, i slept too much. why? cos i didn't have a boyfriend to wake up next to in silk sheets like Brandy. we drink brandy under the covers that's our little inside joke. i had nothing to live for.

Marianne's daughter in the audience wearing bermuda shorts: thanks, mom.

Marianne: but now i do: running for Woman President.

Russell Brand: *slumping back in his seat and pouting with those big lips of his* thanks, mom.

Marianne: i'll bottom-line it for you like i do at my yoga retreats in Colorado Hot Springs: don't pierce your body with any needle unless it's a tattoo or henna needle. don't sniff up anything into your nose unless it's the fresh air of Nature outside. we'll see you soon, we're gonna be okay, folks, i can feel it...…...tho admittedly this Higher Consciousness is taking Its sweet time breaking...

Emma: miss, can you show me how to modulate my voice? i want to still sound weird like you but not THAT weird.

Eye Lugage: while we have you, ma'am, let's do commercial roundup.

Professor: wait you have your podcast setup right here on your desk in the auditorium? where there are just seats and my desk? no wonder my scantrons are buggy and my slide-projector has been haywire and i can't hear myself think nor project lo these many months.

Eye: what did you think of the Coors commercial, heroine?

Marianne: LOVE IT. that's a woman! taking off her bra like that under her blouse after a hard day's work and journey into night! i am so glad and impressed Coors actually SHOWED that! you don't see Elaine Benes doing such things on commercial tv.

Dirg: thought it was disgusting, cover up woman, have some decency.

Marianne: thought it tit? this is what real women do. when i become President, i'm gonna take my bra off at every press conference, that'll make the press corps ease and they'll ask more breezy questions. picture everyone in the audience not wearing a bra.

Eye: tennis roundup. Mr. Fed.

Federer gets up to no applause. nobody has noticed him.

Federer: not the FBI, this isn't an ICE raid, hehe...…...*looks at notes* that was menat to be the ice-breaker. anyway, i don't want to talk about it. i want to TAKL it. it's not TACKLE, it's TALK weird. no more Wimbledon for me, okay? i hate that tournament. so now we have the Bronx Open, a New York tennis tournament that's not the U.S. Open. why?

Dirg: women. Carlos Ramos won't be doing Serena's matches anymore, that's sexist.

Fed: and that's it for me, folks, those were the jokes. i'm out of material.

at the Ansonia Hotel in New York to watch the Bronx Open, the crones are settling in:

Gladyce: can you believe all this glitz and glamor and ridged waffled-French-toast-flat-pancake Greek marble architecture that comes solely from Happy Days money?

Doryce: look at this spread, honey! i mean our palatial room not my spread legs. i'm so glad Fuerza lifted the ban on us! did you see her this afternoon!?

Gladyce: sure did. she made bocce fun again by dancing on the bowling lane!

Doryce: and putting all the bocce balls in her mouth, that's my kind of god! laughing is praying. want some ice cream? it's too hot to play tennis!

Gladyce goes for the drawer and rips it open at the seams.

Gladyce: oh dear. i don't seem to know my own strength. it landed on my head and i didn't even feel it. either i am stronger than i realized or i'm hiding the fact psychologically that i don't much like myself.

Doryce: it's alright, babe. just put some clear tape on the cabinet drawer to let the Mexicans know not to bother with it. don't fuck wit it. now we have a dilemma. i was gonna make the soup for us but the soup mix is behind where the drawer is. can't reach it. gotta wait for a man to come and fix the drawer.

Gladyce: right...…...so how's Bama these days?

Doryce: see, men are good for society. now we can't eat so we'll get skinnier from this.

Eye: 9 to 5, go.

Laertus: you mean the film that made Dolly Parton a star?

Dirg: her tits ayway. and made Sheena Easton irrelevant. pity, any song about a train is bound to be good.

Laertus: can we dispense with the Jane Fonda hate at the plate and concede she's a damn good actress?

Eye: up to bat, yes.

Dirg: Peter Fonda got the shaft. he was a more talented actor but she stole all his parts. and you know what twitter does to people...

Eye: this was originally meant to be a serious examination of the women's lib movement, not a comedy. or a black comedy.

Dirg: would have been funnier. black-latex comedy. Dabney Coleman, what a raw deal. that's gotta be the hardest part any actor has ever played. he is essentially the Symbol Of All Men.

Laertus: Dabney? what kind of name is that? not more uncool white guys tryna get down with the brothas, i can't take it anymore. i gotta admit, not having seen the film but hearing of it, i was NOT prepared for when it does the crazy 180 and goes down the rabbit hole into those animated and acid-fueled dream sequences! i mean Bakshi is rolling in his grave!

Dirg: MD-fueled. animated rabbit hole, still waiting for the Uncle Wiggily show. Ralph should have done those sequences, he was born for them! that'll show Disney i mean Star Wars. fractured fairy tales i believe they call them.

Eye: except Dolly should have been the one with the gun in the horror sequence. i love when Dolly is the HBIC in the next sequence, turning the tables on the boss, except she should have dragged him by the cock.

Dirg: and drug him with her lady drugs. you just love her tits. i'll never drink coffee again, how would you ever know if it's sugar or rat poison? everything's white. i have a lot of female enemies. is it true that they were gonna put Sweet N Low on the box but the sponsor backed out at the last minute? typical.

Eye: they were gonna put Roundup on the other box. there are only two things which come in yellow boxes: sugar and rat poison. RAT poison, get it?

Dirg: just proves women can't drive. and there's an inherent Geraldo bias with that Jimmy Hoffa comment. ladies, come to me next time, i know how to dispose of a dead body. and that's very unrealistic for the '70s: the teenager trying it for the first time would most likely get the marijuana from his mom, if Weeds has taught us anything. Weeds should have been on Wednesdays. none of this would have happened if these women played football in high school. life would be better if men ruled the world.

Laertus: you're the one playing yourself, bro.

Eye: OMG it was so ADORBS when Dolly tells her husband heartedly "it hurts my feelings" in her innocent southern country twang. i've never seen that phrase used in media so genuinely, it's always scoffed at. she can't help it if she's hot and the other ladies are jealous.

Laertus: what's up with Dolly's husband in this? i wanted to know more of his backstory. he doesn't seem to get involved, he's not there punching Dabney in the nose. HE's supposedly the country-music star: sexist. and typical.

Eye: take it from me, i can attest, never work in a factory 1984 open office like that. or for a boss whose office has shag carpeting.

Dirg: i feel sorry for him. he had his window shot out and nothing happened! he had to pay for the doctor in Obama socialized medicine! he was in love with Dolly, genuinely in love with her! a man can't help who he loves! besides, his wife was dumb as rocks. and wore that fur terribly. that Last Shot widening out from the square office building was stolen from Working Girl.

Eye: nah, she was just in it to drain his bank account and take as many trips as she could. smart girl.  good girl. and his female spy just REALLY wanted to learn French and took the hard way. remember, there was no French In Action yet, no Mireille for all us dames to gaze at.

Eye: i WILL eat M&Ms from now on cos of this. green ones.

Laertus: i mean the S&M stuff comes as a shock. all the chains and rubber masks and whatnot.

Dirg: none of this would have happened if Dolly simply fucked the man. how did the eating schedule go exactly anyway? how did that work for months? he had 3 opportunities to escape every day, all failed? what kind of bizarre conversations did he have with these women every day? how's the weather? do they play Mouse Trap? he should have just refused to eat and go out the Epstein way.

Eye: i love how the Cowboy Savior Boss is willing to compromise EXCEPT on that pesky messy equal-pay thing, Megan Rapinoe on line one...

Laertus: that guy was The Dude before The Dude. i still have that exact problem with my home printer, can't print a damn thing. honestly i'd rather have it 10 to 6, colder weather is more conducive to good work output. and what was with that weird neon lighting in the daycare center? agent orange shit testing going on there.

Eye: why are the end credits Hot Shots Part Deux? that's all for now, folks, till next time.

the three meet up outside by the glass front door three minutes later.

Eye: next time.

Laertus: you sure about this? we need to be studying.

the three get into the car, the only car in the parking lot, twinkling in the hot night air. Dirg puts on the air conditioning by rolling down all the windows. all three shirts instantly stick to the seat padding.

Dirg: o fuck no! look at this dice! it's so hot all the fuzz has come off! are you kidding me with this schedule? the last two weeks of August are the worst, nothing's happening, nobody's around, you mean to tell me you have to start a new school, new classmates, new levels, you're a foreigner in a foreign land and on top of all that you have to do the introductions in THIS heat!!? sweltering my swag. that all combines into a melting-pot bowl of a recipe for disaster. it just amplifies and cooks the anxiety. this heat is school-shooter weather.

Dirg screeches around four corners and wrecks the neighborhood. not to mention all four tires.

Dirg: i'd slow down but there's no brake on this thing, it's a classic. see? the brake has a bra on it.

Laertus: why are you putting on a Dabney Coleman mustache on your lips with glue? to see better?

Dirg: he's my lamp. but it's a Steve McQueen mustache. look at this baby, huh!?

Eye: i'm staying in the backseat in this long bed here to keep an eye on you two boys in the front. how did anyone give you a license for anything? the insurance must be through the roof.

Dirg: i can make this a sunroof with one swipe of my leather knife. nah, it's already a leather roof and that's cool enough. my old stupid man's. it's dusty green and beige, Pinto, NOT the bean! i stole it from under his big nose, my dad is so dumb, he sleeps at night. Jack In The Box?

Laertus: uh...In N Out...uh...okay, whatever, Jack, you're driving.

Dirg: this is the life we've always dreamed about, right Larry? we're FREE! we're gonna go through the drivethru in this stylish puppy, order a Jumbo Mountain Dew, drive to Fedco---that hill is no problem to drive over---and get the newest raddest video game: Dance Dance Revolution With Guns!

Eye: that Fortnite ripoff?

Laertis: careful, dude, you don't want to upset President Bump who says these video games are the problem.

Dirg: it comes highly recommended from Takahashi, whom i haven't seen in ages.

the Pinto makes a sudden stop not from a bump but from a dead squirrel stuck in the tailpipe. Eye covers Laertus's eyes as Laertus covers Eye's eyes as they both scream but it's muffled by the closed windows as Dirg tries to remove the squirrel with his hand but the poor critter bites Dirg, tells him he's a raccoon and Dirg is racist, leaving Dirg all afright.

Dirg: it's cool, i'm fine. why does it smell worse in here than out there? i got this, i washed my hands with that icky smelly bubbly green toxic soap in the campus bathrooms.

Laertus: bro you know there's no more bathrooms on campus. and YOU personally know why.

Dirg: we'll get our late-night grub from Jack In The Box at 3AM---the only place open at that time---then drive back to my basement for some debasement: meaning we'll continue playing the video game, we'll stay up all night fueled by gallons and gallons of Mountain Dew till the sun comes up and cracks us wide open. buoyed motivated inspired and supported by Mountain Dew. not as a sponsor, Mountain Dew as spirit. MOUNTAIN DEW IS THE REAL HOLY WATER. then we'll repeat this cycle all over again the next day forever. this is living, this is adulting. wasn't it fun to wait in that long line? at Walmart? that's the most exercise we'll ever get!

Laertus: yeah i dunno, bro, i was thinking since you have a car now maybe we'd i dunno go to some parties with girls or something? or hang out with the boys? not be alone.

Dirg: i love the taste of Mountain Dew, it's so cool that drink. it's 7 Up except it contains caffeine, it's the best of both worlds.

when he drives up to the drivethru, Dirg at first is overjoyed.

Dirg: i've been waiting for this for two days!

but then he is dismayed. and angry. and aghast. he thought Mountain Dew would be clear-colored like 7 Up or Sprite but he forgot and instead it's that icky green color of the soap. he can't drink it anymore.










Sunday, August 18, 2019

TMIT: PHOENIX: THE MAN AND HIS DREAM



Hollywood, here i cum!

this pic looks like the Thai monastery up in the hills i used for the background of my youtube channel...my youtube channel i say...

it's pilot season. you know what that means. lots of writing. on planes. mostly helicopters. all my best material flies out the window. i need my pilot's license. but there's no time. i need a pilot. preferably Harrison Ford.

i'm gonna make it in Hollywood...or die tryna...to be a rapper...

1. do you write/manage another blog? kinda. along with this blog i have an Instagram which i go crazy on, thank you for the free publicity. i used to think i saved my craziest writing for this blog which is relatively sparse so i can get away with more but soon my Instagram life bled into my blog life here. you know how it goes, you can't really keep the office away from your bedroom for long

2. pick 3 random blogs from your blogroll and tell us why they are on your blogroll:

Julie's cos i love you eternally like a phoenix. well more like a dove.

Cheeky Minx's cos i won't rest until Cheeky Minx is somehow on Instagram, she needs to liven that place up!

Fraulein Senorita: you know why. her last post is the greatest piece of writing i've ever experienced in one post in one sitting

BONUS: Missed Periods, please come back! O Mon Capitan your loyal students are dearth and dying without your breath! motherhood is rewarding i understand but you're gonna have bored days, too!

3. look around your blog, tell us about two pages you want us to visit:

i recently wrote something which is the most important thing i've ever written. seriously. to me and the trajectory of my life and career path. it's the chapter of the story where i write about both the Irish-tragedy tragic figure of Assumpta Fitzgerald from Ballykissangel and the crucially-monumental revelatory decision i made recently NOT to go to the monastery, my reasoning why…

4. do you have any unique interests that you have never shared before? what are they? i wanna become governor. so i can ban all plastic water bottles in my state. i wanna keep California oceans safe for all those underwater-basketweavers out there

5. what's your current obsession? boredom. really. i don't know what to do with myself when i'm bored. thing is, you can't kill boredom, you can only stay it for awhile. no matter the hugeness of the next big project in front of you, one day that project will end and you'll be bored again...

BONUS: has blogging hurt or helped your sex life? i've met all my friends cos of blogging.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, August 16, 2019

HEY KIDS! IT'S THE 50TH ANNIVERSARY OF WOODSTOCK!



notes:

* we can all agree Harry Styles should have been on Skins.

* or Les Peaux

* Phoenix: speaking French will make you even sexier.
Harry Styles: but i don't wanna. i feel i'm betraying my English roots. the Brexit thing and all.
Phoenix: listen man, Bradley Cooper was just another no-name cipher pretty boy in Hollywood till he started speaking French in interviews…

* Harry: hey kids, look how the light shimmies across the angles of this Old World medieval stone English i mean French castle that dots the Parisian landscape. this is called Manhattanhenge.
French soldier from Monty Python: i spit in your general One direction! through the slit of Manhattanhenge!

* Harry Styles: this is really making me want to sing "Castle On The Hill" for you guys.
entourage: is that one yours?
Harry: sure, i mean we all share songs in the community, there's no originality anymore, we all just steal from John Lennon and swap amongst ourselves waiting for our SNL gig. wait, do i know how to play an instrument? i forgot.

* everything else is a smell, only in France is it an odor.

* mantra from David Bowie from beyond the grave!!!

* Harry: sorry for my jumpy leg, i just got back from skiing the Alps of the Matterhorn ride.

* Harry: hey, this isn't a demonic ritual. there's no such thing as Satanism, we're just young! it's saran wrap, not Satan wrap! the Satanist caregivers/teachers at the elementary school? nothing, all a hoax.
Harry: oh yeah, Prince Harry! we should be friends obviously!
William: it's me.
Harry: damn. oh look, i do play the guitar! the folk hippie guitar. see? we millennials know our history! stop dumping on us in the British rags!

* Harry: this is my mother Ivory. get it? she tells me what to do, but she's an ASMR legend on youtube so...

* Bowie: is there a heaven?
John Lennon: Bowie, where are you?

* flower-child girl: stop pulling my arms! we had to leave the picnic so fast i put on the checkerboard picnic blanket as my dress!

* black kid: come on, man. at least let me replace Zayn.

* entourage: *hands* this is a bottle of Gucci Odor. it's odorless.
Phoenix: *gargling* wait a minute, this is mint mouthwash!
entourage: damn. we were told in our notes you were the cool director who never brushed his teeth.

* Harry: imma do the Party Monster reboot. and the Donnie Darko reboot!
Macaulay Culkin: not fair, dude. just cos i was homeless for a spell they tell me they're NOT doing the Home Alone reboot cos i'm too old for the part!
Macaulay puts Gucci Odor on his cheeks.
Mac: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH.
Jake Gyllenhaal: shade, man, shade. get me back in the shade in a white tropical outhouse next to a palm tree, i'm not done making ASMR philosophical perfume commercials!
girl wearing rabbit head: i'm a bunny. literally. tricks are for kids.

* Cassie from Skins frolicking in the wheatfields : my hair was so blonde on the show it outshone the sun.
Phoenix: what are you chanting?
Cassie: get me the hell outta here!

* Phoenix: next shot. running a train. not what you think.

* Harry: oh come on! JRR Tolkien gets to be naked with the chick!!?
young JRR Tolkien: write a nerd book before you get with the babes. you have to actually be on Skins first, mate! or at least that American Skins on HBO.

* baldheaded chick: we worship Mother Sun. that's why i wear no sunblock on my hair…

* Cassie: hey. i like James Bond as well as the next bloke but the fossil fuels, man. gotta be freer and more spirity.

* Cook from Skins: dykes kissing? check. mudshark-jumping? check. and me in my flower pants.

* blonde: i look like that Painted Bird Russian chick from those Olympic gymnastics games in Ukraine.
entourage bangs. the drums.
The Master: yes? Bowie, what are you doing to me!!?
entourage: we gonna do that thing where we stand naked with our Sun Discs out to protest the Current Administration.

* Harry: so turns out i can't really dance. sorry. i dance like Bono. hey, no waterguns!
entourage: but they're filled with pee.
Harry: oh watersports sex? kay den.

* Harry: memory of my odor...…...i farted...

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend, my babies.

TOMORROW: steak n eggs at Denny's. you know i've never actually had steak and eggs before. together on the same plate. for breakfast. the ad shows sunny-side-up eggs but does it still count if they're scrambled? speaking of scrambled, i just know Conor McGregor's gonna enter when i do and beat the shit out of me in front of two grandmas for the booth seat.





Monday, August 12, 2019

TMIT: AND NOW BACK TO OUR REGULARLY SCHEDULED PROGRAMMING




1. do you agree or disagree with the following statement? why?: sex is a difficult topic for partners to discuss, yet sex can draw couples closer together.

true. it can be an icky subject to broach. but you kinda have to if you want to ensure that you're giving your partner the juiciest pleasure possible. take me for instance:

take my wife please. just kidding. so like one day we're having a coffee at the Vanity Fair offices and she tells me she likes it only after i drink a bottle of Ensure first. she has a Jamie Lee Curtis fetish she explains and it makes perfect sense, i have that same fetish. it's these kinds of little things which strengthen our sexual bond. her Ensure is my pineapple on pizza.

all's fair and all that so she asks me. i tell her i like draw. i like the draw of a certain type of brand vape. so that's what we do, she gets me a wooden vaper that catches on fire.

2. who did you first come out to and why did you choose that person? my cat. cos my cat talks and that's fucking awesome. see all cats talk, it's just we humans never think to talk to them. also, cats will only talk when they think our response would be edifiying in some way to catkind which is almost nearly never.

i told my cat i was a sex addict and she scoffed at me and returned to her toy mouse. later, we played catch with the toy mouse. she never lost energy and my arm went out, i threw that mouse so many times in the air it turned into a toy bat...

3. has someone come out to you? what was your reaction? this was a daily occurrence in my Berkeley years. i comforted them and we went out for acai spritzers later at Krazy Klatsch on campus. there we prank-called their parents and that always made them feel better.

4. recent studies have shown that smartphones are causing decreased intimacy amongst partners. in your relationship is the smartphone a saboteur or helping hand?

i don't have a smartphone. at the Apple Store the Genius was on my (phone) case urging me to get the one with the phone included but i figured no one has ever called me my entire life so i just needed the ipad. mini.

my ipad mini allows me the helping hand i need for my hand to masturbate. and one time it came out to me by jumping out of the screen with a rapier and handlebar mustache and a Three Musketeers tricorn hat with flowing feather and buckle.

5. tell us something you do that could cause someone to say, "what will the neighbors think?":

CLICK HERE

6. what was your most recent motivation for masturbation? meditation

BONUS: do you regularly view porn? what's regular?

you know those ipad-mini news alerts that come on your phone? well for me i get an alert whenever there's a new porn on the internet.

i miss Regular Show. how is it that there was a Steven Universe/Uncle Grandpa crossover but there was never a Regular Show/Adventure Time crossover?

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, August 9, 2019

THE INVISIBLE



notes:

* we see you...but your crush doesn't...

* not that weird commercial where the animatronic dog talks about collecting your sample easily

* doggy slippers? it's forbidden to have fun OUTSIDE in today's world!

* Bianca: dog, no! that was the dryer lint ball!
dog: don't you play tennis or something, lady? aren't you a WASP?
Bianca: i wish i could fly out of here. and suck out oranges with my butt. all these pictures of you hanging up on the walls is creepy.
dog: you did it!
Bianca: that's the thing, i didn't!

* Duane: i'm doing the Ferris Bueller check thing. got my eyebrows waxed so now i don't have eyebrows.
narrator: hot date?
Duane: yeah.
narrator: got your zoot suit from Amazon Prime?
Duane: oh yeah! all pressed and waxed.
narrator: what's with the lemon soap?
Duane: that's the thing, it wasn't lemon. i feel sick in my stomach but at least i won't curse on the first date as usual.

* narrator: the Allison from Breakfast Club?
Alison: 1 L.
narrator: what's your favorite cereal sandwich?
Alison: bread sandwich. i use two pillows of Shredded Wheat as the bread.
narrator: you have an old-skool tv screen that i'm guessing hipster that you are you never watch on.
Alison: and a set of encyclopedias. a physical set. stop staring at my tits, i have to pay my taxes and i lost the concert stub.
narrator: i have a stub. no really i do. your room is all quaint and mad-scientisty, like The Cat's Car from Infinity Train.
Alison: would you like a cup of tea?
narrator: there's no room in here for another spot.

* Shauna: you know how i get everything done? i have three arms.
narrator: you are the budget lady. for this shot.
Shauna: sure arm i mean am. and all of your lines have been cut from the commercial. budget.

* Sarah: i just had a baby. but that's not my problem.
narrator: *phew*
Sarah: i hate the color yellow...

* Bob: whatever you do, 1-800-Contacts, do NOT make fun of the gaming community! we've suffered enough humiliating shit from the MSM! we don't need any more potshots at us! there are some good people in this community, we're just a little awkward and tend to lose friends fast.
narrator: would you like to come work for us at MSNBC? we're the only ones broadcasting your little video-game tournament this weekend. ESPN Ocho refused.
Bob: dammit!

* Mike: so i haven't fixed a bike right in 30 years. since contacts haven't been invented yet. and yet i still nailed my audition for Mayans and got the part.

* Helen: don't stare at me. don't you snicker at me. i'm the relative who voted the way you didn't but you're still stuck with me cos i'm family and you still have to visit my smelly house and trade doilies with me and eat my dusty caramel squares that taste like butterflies from my musty moonshine jar that's clear.
narrator: okay but can we at least watch Mary Hartman Mary Hartman on your mini tv?

CLICK HERE RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

THEN HERE

AND THEN HERE

happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: Carl's Jr.. for some reason when you cut up chicken in the shape of little stars, they taste better.





Wednesday, August 7, 2019

GINGER BREAD: DON'T SAY NUN




Robert Mueller hangdogs it to the top of the cave with the last of his remaining finger strength. his callouses are in his thumb prints and in his heart. his face is so exhausted wrecked and wet his wrinkles are rivers of dried sweat flakes.

he plops by a small pebble at the cave entrance and doesn't feel the hot wind on his face. he sticks out his tongue to see if he can still taste existence. he removes his heavy Avenging Angel wings and they plop to the ground in a thud of dust and termites.

Putin: *smiling sneeringly* what's the matter, Bob? you looked like a pussy out there. where's your vim? your vim vim VIM!

Bob: i'm tired. i'm tired of my work. i'm tired of this process. i'm tired of the world. i'm tired of YOUR world! i'm tired of life. but i'm NOT TIRED of the rule of law!

Putin licks Bob's face. Bob speaks slowly and deliberately and measuredly.

Bob: don't get satisfied. what are you gonna do after Bump? sure you got the second election already rigged but you can't predict the future unless you're a witch. and you are most definitely just another man! like they say on ESPN Football: JAG.

Putin: *rubbing his chin* o i'm sure i can think of something.

Bob: why aren't you in Canada now? they're experiencing their Obama Years now. with the Obama ears. i'm your new roommate, think of me as an invisible shackle around your ankle. pants down around your ankles. wherever you go, i go, ho. forever.

Moscow Mitch is huddled like a sack of potatoes by the corner of the cave, sweating and crying.

President Bump sitting Indian-style: what are you doing here?

Moscow Mitch: i hate my name! i'd actually prefer to be called Moscow BITCH rather than Moscow Mitch!

Bump: hey Marianne, i really do like you down-low, i just can't say that in public. i'm terrified of you beating me.

Marianne Williamson: i hate all pricks. o i have the most wonderful news! RUSSELL BRAND AND I ARE DATING!!! now HE is a brand! that's why i did this whole thing! he is gorgeous. but he's not just gorgeous with the long Poldark black hair, he's the greatest spiritual prophet i know! i mean the man is effortless and blasé about his genius, he's the Russ of Reishi!

Bump: i'm the Imam of Impotence. wait, you didn't run for President to sell books?

Marianne: i could ask you the same.

the Linzess babe now works for CNN as a Price Is Right girl. she wears a brown robe. but you can still see her large bulbous ass Felica Combs-style.

Linzess babe: and i have a vulvous vagina.

Wolf: i'm a better gameshow host than Alex Trebek. we went medieval in your ass recently.

Bump: i know.

Wolf: we're the millennial channel, we went old skool, we drew lots to determine who's President.

Alex Trebek: for some reason we end our string of new Jeopardy shows in Midsommar last week of July. we only have Augusts off. where we go on summer vacation and lose all our lifelong friendships and relationships. i mean who watches NEW Jeopardy during summer?

Buttigieg: CHEATING distance, get it?

Laertus: wow! Beto's really letting Bump have it! laying into him like a motherfucking cementlayer.

Eye Luggage: *crying and burbling and gurbling and pointing to Beto on the screen* that's my bitch...that's my bitch…

Beto and Julian Castro hug.

Bump: i don't get it, isn't Beto white, too?

at ESPN First Take, Molly Qerim has just walked off set.

Molly Q: i am so offset right now. i mean i don't give a damn about what's-his-face Black Hulk guy, but what you said, Max Kellerman, well that just now actually hurt my feelings.

Max Kellerman starts to cry.

Max: damn, i didn't even cry when my brother died. i'm sorry, Molly, but you know this has nothing to do with Kobe Bryant.

Molly: *crying* it's just...it's just...

Max: i know. Molly you my Q Boo. but i just can't do that to my boy Jalen Rose.

Jalen: *putting on his eyeglasses* this is all too cultural for me.

Jalen Rose walks off set.

at The Weather Channel, Creek Stewart is helping newbie Felicia Combs tie a knapsack around her butt. Felicia gives him the reacharound to touch the back of his hair.

Felicia: wait...i always thought you wore a ponytail...what the fuck is this?

Creek: i'm half-squirrel. i have half-squirrel DNA, i checked my DNA on match.com. that ponytail is actually a fluffy puffy squirrel tail.

Felicia: shit! i'm calling my cozzin Puffy. now that i look deep gazingly into your eyes, YOU HAVE BUCK TEETH!

Creek: squirrel teeth.

Maria LaRosa arrives on the spot at the spot in a crack of blue lightning which causes the entire forest to catch fire.

Creek: fuck, woman!

Maria: you wish, kid. ah yes, Creek Stewart. and his "nature walks". don't fall for it, honey. i mean he was doing the same knapsack routine thing using only twig and berries with Stephanie Abrams just last week.

Creek: what can i say. i'm good. at my job.

Maria: i mean your name really is CREEK? come on. for an outdoorsman? that's a bit convenient.

Creek: given name. my father was the love child of Daniel Boone and Davy Crockett and the Country Jamboree Bear who has that jug of plum-tomato rum in a mini-barrel around his neck which doubles as his washboard instrument.

Felicia: *rubbing her chin then her ass* that explains the squirrel DNA, it's unnatural. having a threesome is unnatural. what are you doing here?

Maria: i'm here to replace you. you're fired.

Dirg: you bisschen!

Llywarch: nice, Dirg, real nice.

Dirg: relax. it means little. as in kawaii, you and Laertus are bishonen, right? just con talk, that's all.

at the Treehouse, things are coming to a head:

Doryce: well, it looks like you're stuck with me.

Gladyce: i love it, dear.

Doryce: no, that was for Dirg. doesn't look like i'll be going out much in the near future. that's a practice familiar to you, right Dirgsy!? i'll just be dreaming of destinations from now on.

Gladyce: don't lose hope, lover, bans are just that. eventually bans get banned.

Doryce: Toloache? Letang for some Tang? Faulhaber? i need my rudis, Bama hasn't called in a week.

Gladyce: you are just the rude girl to desire such a thing. rude gal? rude babe? i'll give Eye Luggage a ring and see if Harley Hammer's home.

Doryce: once the leash is loosed, let's go to Powell's Books in Oregon.

Gladyce: enough with the whiteness.

Doryce: no i want dusty first-editions of some Ursula K Le Guin dime pulp and Atwood dustcovers to soothe my salve vav. i need some Sister Love, that's the warmest and krinkliest of the loves.

Doryce: i dunno. maybe i've lost my edge. i mean just the other night as i was tinkling i see as predicted two shellless slugs squirming their way onto the bathroom tile. i was able to insta-react, instinct-issue, strike my hand, raise a fist, but then i thought to myself, "you know, i admire these little worms! i got love for the little fuckers! despite all the odds against them---from Nature and the Cruelty of Man---they survive. and lemme tell ya, Nature is a mean ol' mother, she's Joan-Crawford-level, but she's a good witch. the worms keep sliding back into airconditioned back walls and serrated holes and they survive! they keep living! and then i saw it. there weren't two, there were THREE, it was a FAMILY! i couldn't after that, you know, i had grown the balls of admiration for them, i counted them as equals in this dark game called life. they keep coming, they just keep coming no matter what. no matter how many stomp- or flush-deaths proceed them. if they're so willing to live i'm willing to live and let live. i'll never bother those worms again.

Dirg at the fridge shaking the microwaveable box: hey granny, we're running out of snacks, out of cardboards, i don't hear the frozen rocks inside.

Doryce: watch it, sonny boy. read the label on that box.

Dirg: Jose Ole.

Doryce: exactly. now go away i'm talking with my beloved. look, how many taquitos are there in the box, beloved?

Gladyce: 15.

Doryce: exactly. but the instructions tell you how to cook 6 taquitos. doesn't make any sense. shouldn't there be 18 taquitos then?

Gladyce: this is why i love you, babe, you are a glutton. see they were thinking of the chiquitas who are always on Montezuma diets to fit into their laredo dresses at the bullring. watching a bullfight is enough to make any nina a vegan.

Madame Pons: THE IMPOSSIBLE WHOPPER!!! it's finally here! i've been waiting my entire adult life to step foot in a Burger King again!

Gladyce: see, you missed the fine print: there are instructions on how to cook 3 taquitos as well...

Doryce: o NOW i see, thanks for explaining it to me, babe, you keep me healthy wise and sane.

Doryce: hey numbnuts, over here!

Dirg responds without saying a word, hangdogging his head low.

Doryce: take this yellow box of Jose Ole taquitos and when the gardeners arrive you tell them you want to eat these with them.

Dirg: NO! HELL NO! anything but that! i'll never survive!

Doryce: refuse and get this star-topped wand shoved up your small asshole. i was gonna use the silver star shape to make cookies. not bake them. we gotta force multicultural diversity into you before your soul becomes all stained white and is lost. it's a way to break the ice with folk you despise, believe me. and we must break ICE.

Melbourne scarily knocks on the door which gives Dirg quite the fright.

Dirg: AHHHH! scared the fuck out of me. the sheer unknowing terror of it all.

Melbourne: ready? yeah hey you know the entire lifespan of those huge wheeled recycling bins you have out front there they've never been washed ONCE. yeah, people forget to actually wash the BINS themselves, they're so busy being green and responsible and recycling all their shit. so...

Dirg: OH HELL NO.

Dirg spends the rest of the afternoon into evening and the rest of his summer vacation in the completion of scrubbing down the bins to their core, removing all the decades cobwebs and permanent gunk and shell formations. he is offered no washcloth so he uses his face. the towel is not for his neck but for the after-clean. his arms are long but still not long enough to reach the very bottom of the bins. he needs to use a casing---a sausage casing---to get out some of the grime. a jackhammer is needed for the caked-on gum. and he uses his teeth to remove the stuck crystals.

Dirg: shit. i thought the crystals would taste like pussy. or at least that strangely odorous mellifluent brew of the desperation of women trying to find love, that's my favorite musk. it doesn't even taste like Pop Rocks.

Dirg's arms are now brown, so much so he doesn't need tattoo sleeves to try to look manly anymore. they look like he spread poo on them with a butter knife.

the Mexicans---happy as ever---go about their day and lives and pay him no mind.

Dirg: OKAY I'M ANGRY.

Eye Luggage: what has changed? oh you mean just now? ready to discuss the Otezla commercial?

Dirg: *plumfaced* this isn't about what i've just been through but i thoroughly hate this commercial!

Laertus: come on.

Dirg: no, really. how much biracialness can we take? it's so damn forced and cynical. we get it, the small white girl wants to rebel on her parents so she dates the black guy.

Laertus: yeah but it's not just any black guy, it's a devilishly handsome black guy with BULGING muscles. this guy is the REAL Black Hulk! that's why you have a problem, you're jealous. as i smell your smelly pipecleaner arms.

Dirg: i used these skinny pipecleaner arms as real pipecleaners today! besides, who goes to coastal-town seaside carnivals anymore anyways? with Bop The Clown and lanes and ONLY waterguns on the washed-out wooden planks of the gin-stained boardwalk. those don't exist. except on Steven Universe.

Eye: are they really calling the continuation The New Adventures of Steven Universe? that is so '90s...…...i kinda love it...

...joining us on the podcast is none other than TYZIK!

Tyzik has two earrings in one ear and none in the other. he sits down slowly, as if he's been standing for a very long time.

Laertus: hi Tyzik!

Dirg: hey Tyzik.

Tyzik: hi fellas. and you.

Eye: *blushing* an honor. thank you Ty. so you know what you're doing. thanks for coming.

Tyzik: not like that. i'm a reddit superstar. and youtube Top Fan. but i'm a nobody, too. with all the answers and insights about life.

Eye: you do the anime roundup for us this week, my online god.

Tyzik: Stain…

Dirg: ...very funny...

Tyzik: ...from My Hero Academia. Mineta, god damn Mineta, YOU are the reason Stain exists! YOU justify Stain's ethos! YOU create all of Stain's misbegotten and misguided and misjustified young fans who think their deaths will cause a riot which they view as a revolution.

the sealed room laughs. then cries. amongst themselves, the outside world can't hear them.

Eye: The Breakfast Club, go.

Charlamagne Tha God: me?...oh, not me. not any of us this week. *hangdog*

Laertus: you mean the conservatives' wet dream? their favorite movie ever? i mean Pat the Conservative---that columnist---got more ink from this than any other article he ever wrote about policy or carrying a piece. amazing how times have changed. the newspaper biz, amiright?

Eye: not right enough. okay so as with everything else we do, we watched this for the first time last week to prepare for this week's discussion, and the trip of it is that the trio of us are of course, like, 40 years behind the times. we're the only people on Planet Earth who have never seen this film and are experiencing it for the first time in 2019! as a brand-new film! i can't begin to explain to people the sensation of that experience. all the jokes everyone knows are brand new to us!

Tyzik: Planet Earth won't be around for much longer...

Dirg: i mean take the purloined case of Molly Ringwald. change-ringer. what a conundrum! what a position! she's the Mall Queen of the '80s, it's just her! her and Tiffany, whom i'm convinced Tiffany was Molly Ringwald's mother, she's a ringer for her, a young mother who had a baby too early. didn't eat enough toffee instead. so Molly goes around all the malls of America---the ultimate supremium mall tour---as the gabs of screaming-girl fans and some thirsty older boys are yelling at her to sign their posters and baseball cards with her frog-topped pencil, and Molly has to spread the message of ABSTINENCE the world over to these kids. cos the Catholic Church don't want your dirty unwed-mother babies. unplanned pregnancies are the result of bad planning. kids having kids.

Laertus: better than cages. or kids killing kids. i wonder while they were making this in that school room the kids thought this would be a legend they were making.

Dirg: nah, too claustrophic. did you see that room? it's too open-air. that had to have been John Hughes's old high school they were filming in, right? i mean the script is his EXACT experience in high school, HAS to be.

Laertus: but was he Bender or the geek?

Dirg: wanted to be Bender, was the geek. Anthony Michael Hall---kid in the hall locker---weird mood-whiplash. going from the creepy geek who is obsessed with getting laid to the ACTUAL virgin geek here. i hate creepy nerds, they don't deserve to get laid.

Laertus: this was the first bottle episode. tv episodes soon followed with their bottle episodes. all nice and intimate and all done in one room, coulda been a Broadway play...but DON'T turn it into a Broadway play! Matt Groening was OBSESSED with this film.

Dirg: people don't know who the first Bender is. Bender Prime. not the clones. EAT MY SHORTS is NOT a Bart Simpson original!

Laertus: i mean Judd Nelson. right? not Judd Hirsch. this guy Judd Nelson comes all the way from Maine out of nowhere and chews the scenery like he's Sean Connery. Judd Nelson is an acting ingenue savant boy genius. every emotion expressed is pitch-perfect and never overplayed, he is so believable in this role, his anger is so real and justified, unlike yours.

Dirg: Nelson. Muntz. oooohhh, now i get it. hey! i got notes of anger to my personality...that i achieved by reading notes on how to portray anger.

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: oh, how Ferris Bueller is really the non-animated Heavy Metal, one last dose, the last gasp of summer before adulting has to commence and you have to find a job next semester. Fooly Cooly for Americans. how Siskel + Ebert should have recused themselves from the Ferris review cos they were too close to the Chicago scene. how Mia Sara is the daughter of some Greek shipping magnate, i'm a huge fan of your podcast.

Dirg: that junior principal was a real asshole. it'd be justified to do to him...well i'm not gonna say, politically-incorrect and all.

Laertus: there was a real anxiety among '80s adults back then, like they felt this new young wave generation would be running the world soon and that terrified the crap out of them, basically everyone thought back then the world would end in nuclear fire.

Dirg: why does the janitor always hold the soft wisdom?

Laertus: cos the janitor's had a REAL job, he's actually lived life live. not held a cold management position. hardscrabble. he knows where the bodies are buried cos he's dug the holes and watered the lawns over them. the sprinklers are not just for the football players you know, they're for the cheerleaders. what happened to Judd Nelson? why didn't his career take off? Brooke Shields did better, and she did too much too young and Mr. Pickles! remember like the first MTV Movie Awards? they honored the cast and Judd Nelson boy you could tell he was uncomfortable and NOT a fan of this cast! not friends! did not get along.

Dirg: like the movie. life imitates art. they shunned him. cos he was the best actor. he could run circles around them despite being the biggest one.

Eye: you know i get it now, with all the cosplays. yeah, now i would TOTALLY do a Breakfast Club theme party where you have to go as your personality. and wear the anarchy pins or Omni shirt or pixy stix or sushi or many sandwiches.

Tyzik: and yours?

Eye: well of course i'm the goth girl, she gave me a Club chub. but secretly all goth girls are goth girls cos they CAN'T be the Molly Ringwalds.

Dirg: Emilio Estevez ate a lot of chub clubs. sandwiches, furries were still in their infancy. the goth girl had the best smile. oh, and she didn't go to detention cos she got bored, she just got lost going to the mall to play LazerTag for the practice.

Eye: hey, the goth girl is the only one who actually eats breakfast at the Breakfast Club! that Cap'n Crunch sandwich is actually healthier than if she ate rotten romaine lettuce or mad-cow-disease mccheese or a meat-is-murder cow for meat.

Dirg: getting into Morrissey finally? Bender. is that where an alcohol bender comes from? or is it bender over to fuck the young lady's ass. legally. what was Bender's blonde joke in the air ducts supposed to mean? what's the punchline?

Tyzik: the blonde tells the barkeep that yes she is feeling frazzled. her man just told her he was gonna pound his favorite bitch with this sausage, so the blonde picked both of them up---the poodle and the 6-foot salami---and got the hell outta there!

the roundtable claps.

Laertus: Bender predicted grunge, he wore the plaid first. honestly it's all a fog to me, the only thing i remember is the Walk Like An Egyptian dance. that really did happen in detention somehow, right?

Dirg: the nerd is the one threatening suicide, not any other of the stereotypes. it would have been better if the nerd starts peeing his pants, but it turns out the water is from a water gun...

Eye: Molly's tears when she realizes cliques are stronger than character are real and heartfelt. so is the jock who realizes bullying is wrong but his dad is just too damn cool.

Dirg: Molly's detention-reason is lame. cos she went to the mall? it should have been that trick she did with her tits, she did THAT in class that got her detention. all girls are teases tho, right? that's been established.

Laertus: send me cruisin' on that same cruise Molly went to! boy scouts, right? all boys have imaginary girlfriends who live in neighboring cities.

Dirg: why did she give Bender her earring? he'd think that was faggoty.

Tyzik: i mean...

Eye: what was on the brain's OMNI shirt? what did it say!!? can someone slow the tape!?

Dirg: can you blame him? the geek is the only one who doesn't get the girl! he needs that Omni magazine to jack off to. and Bender's iconic raised-arm on the football field...

Laertus: don't say white power.

Dirg: ...i was just gonna say that became the logo for American Idol. i'm hurt.

Eye: a fine American show. i LOVE the soundtrack! despite the bad reviews. actually "Don't You Forget About Me" is the least interesting, the rest of the album is a cool indie goth dark-beat low-undertone album. never has there been a song so connected to a film, EVER. when you hear the song, you think of the movie. inescapable.

Laertus: that one bad review said that band had killed their career attaching themselves to this film. now i get that Regular Show, that Progressive commercial, that episode of Dawson's Creek that all had Breakfast themes. the rumor about that fresh new exciting Dawson episode was that it was just about truth-or-dare in the school library. i got the sequel all mapped out in my head. called The Breakfast Club: The Monday After of course. haven't oiled out all the details save for one recurring scene which keeps popping in my head: it's the jock and the bully, they've formed an uneasy alliance and i see them working at the jock's dad's garage together getting oil all over their shirtless bodies, sliding on that iron garage sled like it's winter. does the group still get along? why of course! the goth girl doesn't have to go to school---she's already graduated with a college degree in sex studies---so she becomes the queen bee cheerleader in her spare time. she marries the jock who becomes a tape-dispenser salesman. Bender becomes President, obviously, we've seen that in real life. the brain drops out of school.

Dirg: i won't say the popular princess becomes the school shooter.

Fuerza: i'm proud of you girls. you're much further along than i was at your age.

Sinphony: who are you? why are you here? what are you doing here?

Fuerza: men have been trying to define me for forever. since before i tried to define myself. you idiot!

Fuerza slaps Codrus in the ear in the air.

Fuerza: pinche! want me to pinch your ear!? i set this up so you and your brother could work together to make the first pretzel! but of course you had to screw it up with your need to screw things up. you are a stooge.

Codrus: i can't help it, ma, you made me love chaos.

Fuerza: stop treating your brother like a punching bag! for your penance, i'm gonna have you get up at the crack early every morning at 5AM so you can take me to my dancing classes! you don't know what goes on at my dancing lessons, do you? you just see me gone for a long time and stop thinking about me. ready to be bored out of your mind!? ready to hang out with a lot of old wise folk? you need to hang out with REAL women, son!

they poof away in a crack of clear lightning.

the girls find Cotard sleeping on a dirt road. maybe sleeping.

Sinphony: Cotard, i saved 5 villagers.

Cotard: ow my head. oh good, i did NOT want to do the repopulation thing, i am NOT my brother. girls, get into management while you still can, YOU two become the leaders of the new village, we need to change the world incrementally in a grand-gesture big way, it all starts at home.

he shakes their hands.

Cotard: i have supremium confidence in you, you are two of the finest people i know.

the trio hug.

Velvetta: thanks for everything.

Cotard: remember, don't fall for the stellar acting of Dawn French, DON'T wear the cloth! i know i know, she's tempting, she enjoys her job so much it's tempting and infectious and contagious. female priests and all. power, not priestesses. her smile is a magnet. but resist!!! be Princess Leia.

Sinphony: *haughty* Princess Leia should have been the one flying the X-Wing destroying the Death Star.

Cotard: remember those precious words, they will help you all your life.

Velvetta: use the force?

Cotard: no, the ones from Gundam:

for there's no life, if you live alone










Sunday, August 4, 2019

TMIT: BOY GEORGE SAVED MY LIFE





1. do you or did you have an "our song" with a current or past significant other? what is the song?

CLICK HERE

remember, it's not the same unless it's with Young, too. this launched the Sensitive Man Movement, of which i am an enthusiastic member and hearty fan. everybody else was talking about downing Jaegers and getting fire haircuts and their bulldogs chewing apart their chain-link fences but these fine mustachioed men were talking about two cats in their yard. i fell in love. that day. with soft rock.

2. what is your most annoying habit? complaining about being bored.

it's bad enough BEING bored but when you complain about it also it just makes it all the worse. plus you have nobody to complain to so you're just making yourself the more and more annoyed.

3. you have been offered free plastic surgery for one part of your body, what will you fix?

first of all the whole concept of plastic surgery terrifies me. it's just unnatural. i always feel once you start with a little tuck you'll never stop. i'll turn into that real-life Cheetara from ThunderCats with the fat lips you always see interviewed on Entertainment Tonight.

that said---and we're not talking about a cyberbrain or anything drastic, right?---i guess i'd go with my pipecleaner skinny arms. it's just there's no space for tats, you know? i want my plastic surgeon to be my tattoo-parlor artist really.

oh and btw, if you need anything done, Dr. Zewert is your man! best in the business. that's what my tv keeps telling me.

4. a meteor is headed for your house, you have saved family, pets, your computer, and smart phone. you have time to save one more item, what will you save?

MY TIGUAN, CLICK HERE

5. would you reveal a deep dark shameful or embarrassing secret about your partner for one million dollars?

i don't know a THING about my lover, that's why we have such great sex. but i'll spill the beans on myself, happily, openly, right here on this free forum:

i have a thing for pinkie fingers. and Mike Myers is best Bond girl.

BONUS which one of these do you have the most of: a sense of humor, sense of time, sense of direction, sense of adventure?

no Dora so direction's out. i have a sense of my place in the universe and of the moment but i ain't no Neale Donald Walsch. my humor has saved me on countless numerous occasions, but i'm afraid i don't know how long it can last as this world gets increasingly darker and darker.

so i give it up to my god, Boy George, he always has all the answers:

CLICK HERE

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY





Friday, August 2, 2019

THOMAS AIN'T GOT TIME FOR YOUR SISYPHUS SHIT


notes:

* can you believe Camus---the beautiful man---never lived to see 50? he never experienced what it would have been like to be an Existentialist at Middle Age, to gander at Half Century, to see his meaningless life literally at the top of the hill and looking not at the stars above but down at it from then on. at the downhill hill. not the X Games. that is a book or essay we all missed out on.

* Thomas's face was the original scary black moon-face from Instagram, right?

* Thomas: what are you doing?
Camus: well you're training uphill so i just want to experience that sensation...for my essay.
Thomas: yes but i drive myself, YOU don't drive me!
Camus: sorry, i just always wanted to be known as Camus Conductor. trains are much safer than cars you see...

* hen party at the outdoor café:
babe 1: what do we have here?
babe 2: yuck! a sweaty dirty shirt!
babe 1: no, the abs, numbnuts.
Mrs. Adams: here he comes.
babe 1: why is your ass in my face?
boy: i need to bend over to push the crossing signal light. oh, hi Mrs. Adams, say hi to Bryan for me, and tell him his music sucks. well, except for that song he did for that Robin Hood thing.
Mrs. Adams proceeds to sing "Please Forgive Me" all across the street corner.
Mrs. Adams: i'd still do him. i mean, someone's gotta take over the Felcity Huffman Desperate Housewife role, right?

* woman with hammer: i think i can...become an actually-cool Female Thor.
man at airport: where are the flying suitcases? i was promised flying suitcases by now.
woman going uphill: i think i can. get to make hearthands where i frame the sun at Golden Hour. look at the direction of the light on my face. dammit, the HOLLYWOOD sign got in the way of the shot!
only man at yoga: i just have to do a downward swan in front of these ladies, women like it when you take them to expensive restaurants and get the swan foil for the meat. and the mat.
woman at yoga: just train the camera on my butt, there you go, that's the only thing that matters.
man at yoga: there's always a yellow triangle over a puddle if this job doesn't work out.
man at yoga: my eyes are damn sexy...but Superman wore glasses, right?

* poolside woman: i've got 300 followers now.
catty mama: so what, bitch.
poolside woman: no, 300 followers on BLOGSPOT!!! that's impossible!!!

* white woman: choker?
black woman: you can't pull it off, you got giraffe neck.
white woman: we're no longer friends……...it's not a race thing...

* cleaning mom looking at her son's phone: my son's job description on LinkedIn reads Fortnite player?
son shouting from afar: what are you doing in my room? don't look at my posters!
mom: Crazy Town? come on, son, i dated that guy, that's how he got crazy.
son: i want to be a butterfly scientist.
mom: aren't you a closet atheist?
son: i believe in YOU, mom.
mom: damn that's slick. gets it from his father. where's your porn stash, son?
son: come on, mom.
mom: i'm not gonna look at it, i only want to find out if you're gay.

CLICK HERE

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AND HERE

happy weekend, my babies.
TOMORROW: hot cocoa from In-N-Out Burger. it's a fetish with me, i MUST know how various items taste like from various fast food joints. i have to know how KFC does peas like i have to know how In-N-Out does cocoa.





Wednesday, July 31, 2019

GINGER BREAD: STITIUM




at the CNN Debates, Lawrence O'Donnell squeezes his tie and sits silently in the middle between the one who is the comic book fan and the one who is a scourge on black twitter:

Lawrence O'Donnell: Senator Bernie Sanders, are you a socialist?

Bernie is calm.

Bernie: no. i wouldn't be on the Democratic Stage if i were.

Lawrence: you're right, sir. the only socialist in this entire room is ME. i'm unabashedly and proudly so. i became a socialist when i learned about it in college...like every good college student is supposed to!

Bernie raises his arms in a funny quirky way. Don Lemon laughs.

Don: oh man! my belly hurts! that was hilarious! you looked like a Muppet right then, Bernie.

Bernie licks his lips with a twirling tongue.

Bernie: i always look like a muppet, young buck. young buck you should know that muppets have hands up their asses, not strings. you are the puppet, to the billionaires. whatever you were gonna use next as your rap retort, know that i wrote it first.

Don: aren't Ben & Jerry's billionaires? i love their lemon flavor.

blonde with one leg raised to the roof: i'm subtly lacing my questions with the Republican talking points but i swear i don't work for Fox News! i work for Vice. i'm an undercover cop. i didn't go the beauty-queen route, i was a gymnast…

at Dunluce Castle Shane Lowry is still sleeping inside the bare-bones structure frame. he is shivering and frightfully cold, the winds haven't let up once or since. Victoria Bateman hops to his side under moonlight like a faun. tho she is completely naked and spraypainted she feels no cold...

Shane: *rustled* uhnnn, wha happened? am i awake? last thing i remember i was giving a tour...

Victoria: it's called sleeping.

Shane: shit, the Safeway Open in Obec Woods is about to start!

Victoria: give it socks.

Shane: yeah...…...no seriously i'm so cold, got any socks i can put on my feets?

Victoria: look at me. gander at my body. and the message it conveys. dunk your head in pub suds, mate, it's all over, our beloved country is ruined forever. all those years of civilization---being first in civilization---down the drain. worst part is when i walk naked down the cobblestone street next to Buckingham Palace on Halloween, people won't take me and my cause seriously! they'll just think i'm wearring a Halloween costume and fafa me!

Shane: folks and blokes.

Victoria gets in the huddling teepee with Shane and the two watch the first and last episode of Family Ties together, squeezing out that last bit of nostalgia before the blue comet hits.

Victoria: wait, don't you have a wife and kid?

Shane: golfers lose those when they win their first major, it's part of the package deal.

the witches at HomeCountry are busy spreading their new recruits out into the world.

Jill: Victoria is quite the banshee isn't she.

Gladyce and Doryce: she can take care of herself. she's doin' us proud. crones reporting for duty, ma'am.

Jill: Marianne Williamson, now there's a spark! Baba told me all about her. she's got the goods. she speaks the words on that Debate stage from all our best grimoires.

Doryce: thing is, she's just one of us. the difference is she took a chance on love, she took a chance on the presidency.

Gladyce: she's got the guts we don't. and i'm not talking about fox stew.

Marianne Williamson at the podium: my world-people, these are dangerous times. a dark psychic energy has befallen the universe, shrouding its darkness, hiding like a black blanket on our stars. this is a holy war, a celestial war, a war of old religions vs. the new age. only i can fix this, me the fox trickster of light. isn't it time for a woman? isn't it about damn time!? haven't we had enough of centuries-old patriarchal systems of stone, toxic male energy polluting our rivers and streams, the smell of ancient money bricking our Pyramid away? it's time for MY energy, the Mother Earth Energy, the nurturing drive of a Mama Female. who can take better care of our kids than a mother? i have your back, and not just in the bedroom. i will repair, i will sticky-glue back. gorilla-glue it if i have to. i will have a Department of Peace instead of a Department of the Interior, i'll flip 1984 around to turn it into a utopia! my vagina is so big the entire Planet Earth can fit inside it as it heals inside its pulsating fleshy walls of warmth. Globe fits like a glove.

Laertus: she ain't acting. she ain't talking about Shakespeare. i love her. i adore her.

Eye Luggage is crying profusely, bubbling as she gurbles her words.

Eye: *crying and pointing at the screen* that's my bitch...…...that's my bitch…

Dirg: i get it. i get all you crazy socialists. she will win cos she looks like Boy George.

Laertus: Boy George was 40 years ahead of his time...

Eye: yeah, she's definitely Boy George reincarnated. even tho Boy George is still alive. that's how powerful her magic, i feel it with my innate witch sense still burgeoning.

Dirg: look i said i get it. even i'm not stupid enough to turn down fucking Boy George. can you imagine all the magic power and secrets that would unleash in me!? into my cock as milky fluid for serf baths with pink roses? i'd be King George again!!! i could shape America in my own image! that would be the playbook i would need to take down my enemies on the other side once and for all.

at the Tour de France, a millennial wins for the first time. he is adorned on either side by ethnic-looking beauties in yellow dresses. he also wins the Young award and the white jersey but for some reason the beauties flanking him are not in white dresses...

Dirg: yeah i don't like the Tour de France, too beta for me. i mean the winner gets the yellow jersey, the YELLOW jersey? really!!? come on.

Eye: i think it's supposed to signify gold. gold from an age LONG past.

Sheryl Crow: i'm finally sporting a nose ring, you like it? i dunno what it is. my songs are great...my choices in men not so much. i'm inexorably drawn to tragic men. like i know it's not gonna work out emotionally eventually in the end, but i go for it anyway.

Lance Armstrong wears bike shorts for the first time in 20 years.

Lance Armstrong: without me the Tour de France would be NOTHING. it would be CANCELED by now. i mean do you blame me? i'd do it again if it were 1995. first of all, i could finally see Nirvana live. my buddy Floyd Landis would hand me a tape of them to borrow that i'd never return back to him. second of all, i could sell all those time machines on the black market. that wasn't an Oprah joke. remember ESPN2? i MADE that channel, i was the hipster with my hat turned backwards and my skating pants cursing on live tv, drawing in all the millennials at that time. without me, there's no ESPN Ocho. all the kids thought i was SO cool. drugs are fun, kids, and they taste good, too, better than those Flintstones vitamins. they made movies about me, funny movies, with The Rock on a little bicycle that was hilarious and i wasn't weeding in the theatre.

Greg LeMond is crunching on a soft taco from Taco Bell.

Greg: you really fucked me, Lance. no, seriously, EVERYBODY has completely forgotten about me, but i'm the real American hero! all anyone ever remembers me for anymore is the Taco Bell commercial i did. one snot-nosed millennial came up to me in the airport vaping cotton-candy under the No Smoking sign and had the nerve to have me deported cos he thought i was Mexican. i mean, yeah, we ate Taco Bell regularly in the tent surfer trailer of our bike group family anyway---there's not a lot of four-stars on the bike path---but i get pegged wth it for life. that peloton is paid for, company is corporatized.

Lance: hey i didn't start the corruption. the second, the SECOND Tour de France ever in the early 1900s was plagued with scandal, gay lumberjacks cutting down trees and such. if i hadn't been cheating, what would have become of my cancer foundation? this is why i did it, i am a Cancer Warrior. nobody remembers the bike stuff, they just remember grandma got cured and could go to church again. the foundation would have crumbled if i were clean, sober, and an anonymous loser. better ME the drug cheat who won. instead of some French drug cheat in his home country.

at the Red Circle Table, 11-year-old black-boy reporter Jayden is schooling Ari Melber on his own show about the candidates' positions.

Jayden: Sanders could have took a swung swing on Elizabeth Warren the warden, the party would have forgiven him for it. they can't let's dance forever, they gotta go at each other, keep it real, keep it street. *he punches his own hand* gotta brawl. gotta brawl, old bucks.

Ari: wow, kid! you like 11 going on 40. it's like Drake said...

Jayden: bro, when white folk quote rappers, they trying too hard. to be hard.

President Bump: yeah, i feel ya, young buck. i am not an old cuck. i want you to be my special friend. yeah i write rap lyrics, too. i'm working on this thing where i rewrite Aesop's Fables to reflect our current culture of racial division. like the lessons are always white is might is right, that sort of thing, the rabbit actually wins the race and fucks all the snowbunnies.

Jayden: when the sunset falls on your life/ and others write of your lack of strife/ what will you be remembered for, Bump?/ you'll be a prison rat who couldn't buy the Ravens, you chump

Bump: i'm outie, gotta console Moscow Mitch in my private quarters.

Mitch McConnell is huddled by the corner of the room crying dreadfully. the room is a library with no books.

Bump: now now Moscow Mitch. here's a mule. a moscow mule.

Mitch: i hate that name! it hurts my feelings! sir, i can't wear your red hat anymore!

Bump: hey it's okay, buddy, wear this white hat instead. you are an ugly crier, my man, you insert your head into your suit like a turtle, you gotta be more reptile like me.

Bump hands Mitch a MATH hat.

Bump: you wanna be cool like me? someone who hangs with the brothas? you wanna join a gang like me? wanna join the Yang Gang? i'm gonna show you a cave i want you to hide in. here, take my tie...

Mitch: twitter is telling me to join a chain gang to see what it's like...

Bump: the color guard's coming out soon, watch it with me. sung by the bald chick from Mad Max. this is our future. the old man holding the flag was poisoned to death by Flint water.

Laertus: okay, the latest Chantix commercial with the Turkey. i mean this is getting expansive now. and expensive. they have this Turkey in a complete story of his own. he now somehow owns a house, a house right at the beach in a swanky suburb of Los Angeles no doubt where the ad agency is. Surfin' San Diego. he gets up every morning at the crack of his uncle and even though most birds don't like to get their feathers ruffled and wet he apparently is an expert surfer. he gets into his green open-air jeep with the surfboard planted firmly in the open-air back-seat trunk, he drives along the coast to his surf spot, then returns home late.

Dirg: food stamps. definitely food stamps. he can't afford Foo Fighters.

Laertus: i am SO interested in this turkey's sitcom life. what does he do for work? did his grandmother who taught him to surf drown while trying to come to Ellis Island for a better life for her family? cos turkeys can't fly. who are his neighbors? does he eat eggs with his wacky neighbor behind closed blinds at night, does he think that's something okay to do at night? what does he use that blanket for really?

Dirg: damn peaky blinders.

Eye: admit it, you just want a Three's Company reboot.

Dirg: who is he fucking? did he ever fuck a young fowl so hard it defeathered her? that's a party foul. the new Endgame commercial, what a missed mismarketed opportunity! it should have said THIS IS THE BIGGEST MOVIE...OF ALL TIME. without irony, it does have the most money ever.

Eye: which movie will crack the 5-billion mark?

at The Weather Channel, Felicia Combs is still the new guy and is flubbing her lines and her machinery doesn't work quite right yet, but this is all done cutely and she gains another million followers each time she does it.

Felicia: am i doing this right? my electronic pen doesn't work, it doesn't write on the map. Paul, can you stay up late and help me get the ropes here? put my mic right on the right spot on my body?

Goody Paul: Felicia, you just need to smile, darlin', you're doing okay for yourself.

Felicia; is my sash on right? it's so tight it's making my boobs pop up like pineapples. i have more degrees than you.

Goody: that's a lie! don't make me think of a young Judge Judy whenever i see your face! they're just newer degrees! you millennials are more tech-savvy, that's it! i have more knowledge than you cos i struggled through the Crime Bill years. darlin' Felicia, maybe you should start wearing more skirts than the bodysuits you usually wear.

Felicia deliberately drops her electric pen on the studio floor right in front of Paul's face and fills his nose with her ass. Paul can't help it anymore.

Goody: let's convene and reconvene in the MSNBC luncheonette break room, i can't take it anymore! i can't help it!

he unzips his pants ferociously, whips Felicia's bodysuit dress up to her sash, and fucks her ass for two hours, undulating like an unnamed earthquake. up and down and side to side along planes of cosmopolitan, metropolitan, and urban existences in politic shifting from human to Titan until he cums a white rainbow:

Goody: FUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCKKKKKKKKKK

Dr. Greg pops in at just this time to see the windows completely covered and frosted.

Dr. Greg: i heard everything! what's going on in here?

Goody: *sweating* just showing the new girl the ropes. no fault anywhere, just faultlines. this is what her meteorology screen will look like in the winter.

Dr. Greg: but it's summer!

Goody: *panting* girl your butt is bigger than the entirety of the Planet Earth. i should know, i've studied the entire Planet Earth my whole life and in college. damn girl, when you gotta go you gotta go.

Felicia: my dress is now white.

Goody: you'll stand out like Tulsi Gabbard. shit, what am i gonna tell my boo about this?

Felicia: you mean we're not boos now after that?

Gladyce: honey, want me to cancel the Uniworld Cruise?

Doryce: *heavy sigh* huh, this is really getting depressing. i was gonna sing "Total Eclipse of the Heart" on that cruise stage while ziplining upside-down. i need a pick-me-up.

Gladyce: how about the case of yellow sugar wrappers you bought at The Store?

Doryce: it's fake, it's not real sugar, it's some artificial saccharine sweetener cooked up in a lab. it's not real like a spell. all of the packets have a little trite saying on them, like Boys Are Made of Sugar, Too.

Gladyce: huh, i got the only sugar packet in the entire 500-count bunch that has the name of the city where these were manufactured and processed, and the nutrition information. i don't know if that's good or bad luck.

Eye: Ferris Bueller's Day Off, go.

Dirg: you mean the little movie that spawned the greatest tv series of all time, Parker Lewis Can't Lose? i love this movie, cos this was a perfect representation of Reagan Individualism.

Laertus: and Reagan greed. yeah it was weird, the conservative columnists felt they owned this movie somehow, it was their movie. lavish praise heaped for this one and Breakfast Club for their strong drive toward individualism.

Eye: Cameron Frye: his face, i mean his face in conjunction with those piercing blue eyes, i've never seen anything like it, he's like some sort of grown-up hobbit. i've never seen a face like his, it's both intense like a hockey-player yet sweet like a cuddly teddy bear.

Laertus: where are the bloopers? the taxi cab scene when Cameron starts making that face like he's about to spasm, how did Broderick and Mia Sara not jolt out bolt out laughing every take?

Dirg: Alan Ruck directly owes his Mireille Enos to his getting that part from the SOLE decision by one Emilio Estevez to not take the part.

Laertus: i thought you'd say owns. he's said as much, he said he owes Emilio Estevez his life/his career. he'd give him a strong wet kiss on the cheek if he ever confronted Emilio at an airport.

Dirg: oh he's gotta do WAY more than that, Alan Ruck/Emilio Estevez hardcore porn, available at all fine retailers and Borders. this is Bert + Enos stuff we're talking about there. look in a mirror. i'd watch that porn.

Laertus: Matthew Broderick sporting the Ed Grimley hairstyle in the shower, popularizing that look for all prepubescent boys from then on.

Eye: Ferris was totally a closet goth! did you see those posters! and the British flag! British punk scene much?

Dirg: should have been a Confederate flag. to show what he was hiding from his parents. the patriotism was strong in this one. the more leaning toward fascism than dirty communism.

Laertus: John Hughes was obsessed with John Lennon. guess it was a John thing. John Lennon was like the King of Individualism to him. and walrus-tamer.

Dirg: but not obsessed like that. us fat guys need to stick together. did anyone else learn the lecture Ben Stein was teaching in the famous Bueller Bueller speech? we need to, he's the guy who's gonna explain Bump to us, he's the only cool republican left in Hollywood who gets to hang out with Kimmel. he individually saved his son from the scourge of video games.

Laertus: i wonder if that scores him points with Takahashi. i mean the parents and authority figures here are really dumb, the parents don't see the whole thing is a giant MouseTrap board game? that answering machines aren't that technologically-advanced yet?

Eye: omg this ENTIRE time when i first saw this movie last weekend, i had NO IDEA Jennifer Grey was in this! the good Grey, the spunky fro babyfat Grey.

Laertus: or Charlie Sheen for that matter, when he was still genuinely hot. leather jackets and spiked hair seem to only work for '80s rebels, that's it.

Eye: cos the goths took over black from the motorcycle gangs. no high school kid---even one as cool and rad as Ferris---could land a babe like Mia Sara. in high school? Mia Sara looks like she's 30 here, never mind that she's some sort of British-Italian Riviera model by now.

Dirg: Jeffrey Jones, he had the chops, what could have been. he could have been the next Clint Eastwood. the taxi scene, the father genuinely has no idea that was Ferris's girlfriend, and wanted to fuck her! that's my kind of dirty old man.

Laertus: no, your man would be the father who KNOWS that's his son's girlfriend and wants to fuck her!

Eye: all '80s kids learned about Pointillism through this. again with that Cameron Frye stirring staring haunting face.

Dirg: that was genuinely scary. the way it keeps moving in, like that thing from 2001. how does it end? where do the pointillism points end? in space? they looked like boba balls by the end.

Laertus: this was pretty tame, because it was done during the day. this isn't three thirsty teenagers looking to get into trouble at night at some night strip club.

Dirg: that scene was cut, would have required a whole other rating.

Laertus: back when kids still thought baseball was cool. when the Stock Exchange was the end-all be-all of American life and culture. there's a big push here to normalize Germany and German culture again, you know, let's forget the whole Nazi thing as soon as possible, like it never happened under a cloud of hot-dog dust. i mean the most scandalous thing Ferris ever does is...he's in a parade?

Dirg: that snooty French waiter was an Ivy-Leaguer. that righteous-dude secretary was trying too hard, save it for SpongeBob, lady. Cameron Frye literally right in front of everyone's faces tries to commit suicide in that pool. pre-Degrassi.

Laertus: yes, the whole ethos in this is very Degrassi in the depiction of the adults as buffoons and goons and goofs and the kids as the ones with agency and sympathy and empathy and power.

Dirg: let's face it, we're all Cameron. we're the ones who are the third wheels on museum dates. staring at pointillism paintings a little too hard to study them to distract our collective loneliness.

Eye: let's get to the heart of the matter: this isn't about Ferris at all, this is about the secret romance between Cameron and Sloane!

Laertus: YES IT'S TRUE. ABSOLUTELY TRUE! the signs are all there: when they're talking about their future plans, she touches him, they both agree that their plan is to do nothing.

Eye: when Cameron says Ferris will be a fry cook, Sloane's more-perfect line should have been:

Ferris may be a fry cook, but there's only one Cameron Frye!

and then Cameron gives her one of his patented Mister Rogers cheek-noise-flicks.

Laertus: when Sloane notices Cameron fake catatonic to peek at her naked undressing but she smiles and doesn't care about it. when she touches his face cradling his head in her hands, framing his blue Frankenstein eyes.

Dirg: Ferris is right, women don't respect men anymore. how the hell did they get the rights to that George Lucas theme music so soon after!? this was WAY early before George Lucas felt he was big enough to impose sanctions on any of his properties. i like the questioning of all foreigners as to if they can speak English.

Eye: the car-destruction scene is weird. tho i love the lush two-level glass house hiding in surrounded by the woods and a deep metaphorical dirt gulf. very '80s-business.

Laertus: i know what you mean, there are these weird awkward pauses, long pauses of dead air, nobody talking, just panning to the characters, faces doing and saying nothing. there's dramatic effect and then there's dead air.

Dirg: remember when people still had lawns?

Laertus: and Walt Whitman endquotes? he's gonna marry her. in the sequel, Ferris Goes To College, we know how this will turn out: Ferris will be played by Deadpool and won't be in the film, the film of course will be about how Sloane and Cameron Frye get married, that was OTP and kismet from the start. Ferris ends up homeless with a Neale Donald Walsch brace around his neck.

Eye: we must close with the sad tale of Save Ferris the band. i mean with a lead singer that hot and babealicious, you'd think they would have gone further than some cheap cover as their only hit hot single. No Doubt COMPLETELY killed their career.

Sinphony looks urgent and forlorn.

Sinphony: there's an ingredient missing. what is it?

Velvetta: it's water, the water needs to come from a specific wheel at the side of the mill where our Church workshop used to be. if i can gain access to it again…

Cotard: no can do no go. dream bigger. Codrus has that area completely surrounded.

the trio have this conversation while the last of Cotard's power is sapped and the forcefield shield dome collapses. the two girls spring into action. Sinphony addresses her tormentor with a newfound well of self-satisfaction and growth:

Sinphony: i have a new arrogance now, Master! my stomach used to be in knots but now my heart is! WHY DIDN'T YOU TEACH ME MATH AND SCIENCE!!!

Codrus: *smiling* come, girlfriend, come, child, i will teach you things you can only ever imagine...

Cotard: *weakly* one more shot blast from him and i'm a goner.

Velvetta: quick!

Velvetta casts her first spell. her first real spell. a spell to help others in a big way. she lifts the water wheel from off its axis at the mill attached to the Church Temple and it glides over the water, picks up Cotard, and Cotard gets his feet moving as it spins on the water of the river creek out of town to the offing.

Velvetta: *smiling* there, Master! you've said you've always wanted to walk on water!

Sinphony: oh i learned, sir. i learned all about the pink crystals, those crystals the silly humans used to find love, i found them dug underneath the soil, i dug them back up and broke them apart with the last remaining strength in my casting fingers, the fingers you tried to break by breaking them. i used this pink salt to leaven the pretzel bread. this dough is therapeutic not monetary and momentary. i saved the remaining villagers! i am strong now. cos i love now. i have their collective strength as my love! and i'm sending you to where you belong for all eternity, and the eternity after that, STRAIGHT TO HELL!

Fuerza: say gay to hell, that'll get him madder.

Sinphony flings back from the sky the wheel Cotard was on, it's empty now and she hurls it at light speed right into Codrus's head, splitting him red for the first time.

Codrus: ouch.

Codrus is being held in midair by his ear by Fuerza, who suddenly appears in a cloud of clear smoke and shoots him a darting disappointing-eye look of trouble along with her pucker of lips. she's wearing a jingle dress and butterfly bra.

Fuerza: well done, ladies.