Friday, September 25, 2020

DARTH VADER WAS A BORG!!!



notes:

* Mark Hamill: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO THAT'S NOT TRUE!!! THAT'S IMPOSSIBLE!!!

sorry. i was cringing at my auditon tape...

* Patrick Stewart: be a man, Hamill! order ham! you go with the veggie burger with no tomatoes? how froufrou L.A. can you get?
Mark: i wake up and realize each morning i'm Luke Skywalker. I AM LUKE FUCKING SKYWALKER...

* Mark: FINALLY we will know who wins: Star Wars vs. Star Trek, taking all bets. 
Patrick: who will win this eternal epic showdown?
Mark: whomever pronounces tomato correctly.
Patrick: it's pronounced tomato. as in Carrie Fisher had some hot buns i slapped into tomatoes.
Mark: it's pronounced tomato. and i would never speak ill of the dead. which means i can't speak ill of you cos you died when you emerged in that Borg suit like Darth Vader...

* Patrick: why do we have sticks? what are these?
Mark: i actually PLAY cricket, old man! i hated The Walking Dead!!! i hate the violence! Han Solo has my lightsaber, he uses it to steer WWII planes...

* Mark: I AM MY DADDY!!!
Patrick: that's like Fry from Futurama being his own grandfather. i'm, like, really into animation...

* Mark: i helped a little handicapped boy and one little girl with a disability feel good about themselves. what have you done?
Patrick: i ate a pizza for the first time in my 100s before i died...…...and only at the urging of a woman, wouldn't have done it otherwise...

* Patrick: plant burger? give me a break.
Mark: in MY future, all the farms exploded. we had to make do.
Patrick: in MY future, you can get food and drink at the push of a button. like literally EVERYTHING is at the push of a button...…...sex, too...

* Mark: i see the future couldn't cure your baldness...
Patrick: DAMMIT WHERE'S CAPTAIN OBVIOUS!!? i'm gonna wipe that smug smile off his face with these Vulcan hands! i was the original bald man not him. who does he think he is sporting a Riker beard like that?


happy weekend, my babies.

Uber Eats, i should look into that...

TOMORROW: why Wendy's pub burger of course. the last time i got a pub burger i got carded so i'm taking Patrick Stewart with me instead of Mark Hamill cos Patrick looks like an old man who won't get carded whereas Mark still looks like my cool older brother who sleeps on his galactic surfboard outside and skipped college cos he was smart. plus Patrick looks like he could carry his own in a pub brawl...

i asked both men once why the pub-burger pretzel bun had a cross on it:
Patrick: symbolizes Christianity. i once said God in an actual line of dialogue on Star Trek... 
Mark: The Right thinks of The Left as the Empire. it's very dangerous when your thing is one big Campbellian hero-quest symbology archetype. some think Darth Vader is God... 


  


Wednesday, September 23, 2020

PENN PAT: BILL & TED IN: STAND BY ME




Takahashi: do you get bad wrists from playing video games all day, typing a script all day, or masturbating all day?

Roger Federer: i wear a Patek on my wrist if that's any indication...

Madame Pons: i'm the photographer of the group. i'm gonna take up doing the Photo Ark, completing it, the first woman  to do so, the first human to do so. after all i'm a friend to all animals, i'm THE friend!

Dirg: Ark stands for Archive...

Boc: i hate when i'm watering the lawns and there's a huge kink in the long hose. suddenly that power you had in your hand, the force of the poundage of water, is, gulp, GONE. you revert to weakling again. you have to unkink the darn thing. and then the hose gets caught on a stepping stone or the arch of the stone trellis or the chalk line or something and you have to HEAVE that sucker like it's a sodden snake...

the crones are at the Spaghettihouse in London:

Gladyce: it's not the Slaughterhouse, dear.

a cute waiter wearing a tuxedo top but no bottoms holding a silver tray with a banana on it approaches Doryce...

Doryce: *fanning herself with the shell napkin* oh lawdy lord have mercy! lordess i mean! 

Gladyce: that's fine, dear, just leave the banana phone here at our table, i got calls to make! QVC...

Doryce: where were you at the sorority? i'm ready to make my order. BUT I'M NOT!!! i'm scared! oh Gladdy, i had the most frightful experience! the box of mini-saltines, i threw them out! i couldn't take the pressure of them anymore! there was still half a box after i had eaten a lot instead of soup. i just couldn't bring myself to finish them off and the next grocery day was approaching and i know how you like to have the cupboards cleared so...

Gladyce hugs Doryce.

Gladyce: it's okay, dear, i'm here. always. those were my favorite crackers, i used to suck on them to moisten them enough to place them inbetween my toes at night instead of those little purple spongey inserts, but i'll live. i'll live for a VERY long time. what spooked you tho?

Doryce: on the box was the label:

UNDER NEW MANAGEMENT

i panicked. 

AND TONIGHT IS CHILI NIGHT!!!

Gladyce: it's okay, when we get home, i'll make you congee, it's soup for breakfast!!!

when the crone couple gets home, they do a few rituals. a few pre-fuck rituals. their foreplay in the Treehouse consists of Gladyce lining up in an enfilade and Doryce shooting Welsh cakes at her tits...

ClassyKatie joins the Orchid Girls...

ClassyKatie: but as you can see, the porn stuff is my day job. i'd much rather be seen in a rucksack monk robe to do a Clue puzzle or play a Tigtone board game or something...

Dirg: sister, you've come to the right place! Illuminati love robes!!!

the MIT Mystery Hunt winner for 2021 maroons himself on the same island as Pat:

MIT: how did i get here?

Pat: i think you mean WHEN do you get here? you are impossible, sir. obviously went offcourse searching for that coin. aren't you supposed to be good at figuring yourself out of puzzles?

MIT: mazes are not puzzles. wait, are you Princeton? you have the distinct odor of a Princeton...

Pat: Class Of...well let's just say '21...

MIT screams his head off that it interrupts the neon phoenii, they rustle off the perch of their trees fly away and disappear in the dark grey clouds. 

Pat: now look what you did...

MIT swims back where he came from. he jumps in a lake---the large lake---and his little hands and feet become littler as he motorboats not the fun kind and disappears in the offing...not the fun kind like with an infinity pool...

Tyzik: before we begin no i'm not a Tzadik. been getting mail up my nose all week...similar spelling of our names, but...thank you for the compliment...

Dirg: i mean that Cetaphil commercial! right? sounds like Paramore's "Decode"...

St. Andrews Abbey on the island burns to the ground. Cotard is beside himself not in spirit and is trying to keep it together but his lower lip quavers...

Cotard: i'm trying to keep it together...without sobbing without stumbling...i'd rather tumble...my faith will get me through...besides, i don't want to cause a panic, right Mr. President?

President Bump: i'm like Putin……...except Putin is actually cool...

Cotard: so...to distract...to keep my pain internal in prayer...I KNOW THIS WAS MY BROTHER'S DOING!!!...oh well whatever nevermind...so let's see: ah, Vionic are my favorite sandals...

Takahashi: just came back from the pharmacy in my new blue car, was FINALLY able to squeeze in  the handicap space...

Dirg: you aren't handicapped. wait you went to Walgreens? CVS?...

Takahashi: but you're my passenger and you're mentally handicapped...

Dirg: i'm your constant companion you just won't admit it. did you bring me anything ya doof?

Takahashi: they sell beer at a pharmacy? that's counterintuitive...

Dirg: Hurricane Beta? too easy...

Dirg: enough with all the -ish shows. all the spinoffs. it'a a bunch of ish if you know what i mean! black-ish was cool, just leave it at that...

Rubikon snarls at Dirg from a nearby bush lining the court:

Rubikon bows in feign:

Rubikon: pardon me, ever sir, but would you do me the honor of being in a Verzuz with me?

Dirg: hot diggity! i always wanted to do a rap-battle to you guys! i've made it, ma!

Rubikon snarls at Dirg and votes early at a polling station at Denny's...

Dirg: you know Mister Rogers ended RIGHT before 9/11...…...not sayin jus sayin...

Dirg: Yvonne Orji, ironic last name, no sex till marriage, but sex scenes are okay to do. you know, for practice. WHAT A WOMAN!!! i'm blushing for the both of us. that takes strength and will! 

Laertus: yeah buddy, she's PERFECT for you! but are YOU perfect for her? she called but you were out.

Dirg: WHERE!!!?

Laertus: at your zoom Tigtone meeting...

Dirg: CURSES!!!

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: firstly, what would you have named River's Edge?

Dirg: Porn That's Watchable.

Laertus: it does have that seedy grainy look. i would call it Slayer.

Dirg: ah the '80s, back when metal still mattered. metal matters. this one really WAS edgy. and they pulled it off.

Eye: and now to discuss the most important thing about this movie...

Dirg: Ione Skye?

Takahashi: no the blue baja bug! that's tasty alliteration! that's why i of course am now driving the EXACT car used in the movie, i am of honor to show honor.

Dirg: see? see that huge tailpipe sticking out of the hood which is air pumping goddess-knows-what chemicals and smoke into the atmosphere. but back in the '80s STYLE supplanted stupid environmental concerns!

Eye: i LOVE the incidental music in this! very soundtracky, very David Lynch music in Blue Velvet. i hesitate to call it Lynchian cos this one came first!!! it's BETTER than Lynch's cos it came first!!!

Dirg: that's not what girls tell me...

Laertus: i love how this is a departure from all those empty teen-sex comedies that flooded theatres at the time. the market, not floodwaters, too soon, i'm sorry. written by a guy in a wheelchair so you see where the pain and the disenchantment come from, humor so dark it's chilling. by showing the emptiness of youth this is a very filling film...

Dirg: this was back when all these huge megastars were still unknown hacks in the Hollywood rigged system. i could still take Keanu at this time, he wasn't the god he is now. like seriously today people think Keanu is actually God...

Laertus: that poor girl who just lies there supine on the muddy riverbank completely buck naked for the others to poke a stick at deserves hazard pay for this role! 

Dirg: yeah, and notice they used up all the nudity on her and didn't leave any for the nakedness we WANTED to see: Ione Skye's sex scene! who has sex under their skirt?

Eye: Ione Skye has been with a Pepper and a Beastie, but her most interesting relationship was with Jenny Shimizu.

Dirg: from around here. around Obec. no, Jenny Shimizu's most interesting relationship was with Madonna!!! are you kidding me!!? i'd KILL to have an arrangement where Madonna three or four times a year calls up Jenny to her suite in London and proceeds to treat her like a ragged sex doll for eight minutes or however long it takes celebrities to cum. inbetween connecting flights, people mover, hangar hookup. where do I sign up for this work?

Eye: for as long as she lives, Jenny can say she fucked Madonna. or rather Madonna fucked her.

Laertus: i'm still not sure if Crispin Glover is a brilliant actor or he was intentionally hamming it up for this, deliberately pronouncing his words into distinct syllables like a Northern-Californian surfer who took Shakespeare in the Valley...

Dirg: ask David Letterman.

Dirg: *he blows into his fist* NorCal! West Side! really gets into the meat-and-potatoes of why serial killers crave power. to have dominion over another soul, over the land of animals. but of course the feeling doesn't last. who does Daniel Roebuck, the toilet of the movie, remind you of?

Eye: Jon Garibendi, mafia boss.

Dirg: a young Oliver Warbucks.

Tyzik: that heavy dude from Head of the Class

Dirg: the fat kid from Goonies.

Laertus: Jonah Hill.

Takahashi: can we travel back to a time when in small towns the ONLY arcade cabinet was at the 7-Eleven? bigtime arcades were only for large metropolitan cities...

Eye: and a time when giving your rubber sex doll head was kept in private, not posted to the internet...

Laertus: the domain of the city. the little brat kid brother who just wants love went on to marry his husband and produce horror-parody films.

Dirg: the last girl, good for him. i'd hate to have a stepdad...oh wait...

Laertus: DENNIS HOPPER! DENNIS HOPPER IS REQUIRED TO BE IN EVERY ONE OF THESE FILMS!!!

Dirg: called Feck cos...you know why...

Laertus: Feck is a former biker cos...you know why...this tale takes place in Northern California, this and the Ratched Nurse Ratched origin story...

Dirg: something about Caifornia, aye? maybe a little rebellion against a little city i like to call San Francisco...

Dirg: ah, back when Portland was still a destination, back when it was still the hippie's dream, the hippie's Shangri-La...not a mob...

Dirg: the real star of this is Moko, that's a true loyal Milius friend, tries the pot and keeps his mouth shut...

Laertus: it's always weird to see a kid driving a car. haha, the man with the shotgun, i ALMOST thought he was gonna let the boys in...

Dirg: don't get it, ol' Crispy Crispin with the Glove You Must Acquit could have gotten outta Dodge if it weren't for those fecking pills...

Takahashi: yellow Pee-Chees! 

Dirg: i mean they don't even show what we all wanted to see: Ione Skye fucking her teacher! we wanted to see those frogmouths go at it! i really thought at the end the little twerp snot-nosed kid brother was gonna shoot Keanu...

Eye: you can't kill God. g'night, folks.

Dirg: isn't killing in any occasion wrong?

Laertus: see but the kids who are hollow and empty inside DO show emotion finally at the wake. that's a lesson for you, Dirg, you can learn from these kids, you with your hollow empty inside husk...

Dirg visits Dennis Hopper at the hospital in one of the bungalows on the island...

Dennis: *forlorn pained eyes* i had to kill him, he was a monster...i didn't want to kill my girlfriend...

Dennis asks to borrow Takahashi's baja bug and Dirg gives Dennis the keys.

Takahashi: *drinking water underwater* WHAT DID YOU DO! *pulls out hair*

Dirg: what, he needed a ride.

Takahashi: did you see Dennis in this film? for once he was the sympathetic one! he had a heart in this, he had remorse!!! he was genuine in this, just trying to gain a friend! he was safe and getting treatment in the hospital, but you let him loose and he's gonna lose all empathy amd become the monster of Blue Velvet. blue VW bug car, blue velvet, this was all preordained beforehand!!!

Dirg: in my defense, i didn't know that was a MENTAL hospital...

at another bungalow on this Monte Carlo island, Galivant is teaching Pat a new trick:

Pat: where's Serano?

Galivant: partying underwater in Atlantis. he has the luxury of breathing...

Galivant's private getaway is encircled by a row of cool ice-blue bricks. the court is Kentucky blue grass, very special, Herro grass, shipped in not from Kentucky but from Connecticut.

Dirg behind a bush: if i smoke this grass will I get a girlfriend like Tyler's, too? 

Galivant: remember how you slice the serve?

Pat: yeah that's the thing, i've seen the slice serve on tv of course, many times, but i've never actually done one myself. when i absolutely HAVE to serve i rely on the ol' power serve line-drive down the middle.

Galivant: not the army. well you can't hit in into the net. can't hit the tape, we do TikToks here. and you're gonna have to serve like a LOT in tennis...

Galivant: shoot the ball up and look at the sun er the moon the moon gently bathing my bungalow in blue at night along the crest of the ocean waves. when the ball reaches its apex...

Pat: ...i will never be an apex predator...

Galivant: ...smooth the tennis ball over, lightly brush at it like you're combing your hair...

Pat: girls have hair, men don't.

Galivant: like you're combing the ball's fuzz hair. slightly rimjob the ball, like you're giving it a hello howdy-doo. and watch as it coasts off the edge of your racquet like a teacup saucer.

Pat: are you keeping a dead body up in your apartment? is that why you won't let me see your apartment? IS HE YOUR RUSSIAN EX-LOVER!!? 

Galivant: you have quite the imagination!

Pat: no i have a past. 

Galivant: i just want to keep things professional. no students in my private place of dwelling. what would you watch up there? what would you eat up there?

Pat: soaps and ice cream.

Galivant: come on, that's it for today, er tonight. let's get some pizza. there's a Little Caesars in the next bungalow...



 






Friday, September 18, 2020

MASKED MAGIC



notes:

* yeah buddy, buddy with the mullet, you can't start an anti-mask rebellion at Walt Disney World, Walt would be none too pleased with you if you tried to take over his park. Walt wanted to grow a mullet, too, but it's called personal and societal responsibility. Walt Disney World is WAY too big for that, too expansive, it's like three wildlife reserve parks of space, it'll never take. Walt Disney World ain't Walmart. go get this mulleted gentleman one of our special masks, a gas mask with Mickey's head on top...

* magic is ____________ a McDonald's in Walt Disney World, a Starbucks in Disneyland...

* get distracted by the holdiays coming up, and it's Disney. spending the holidays at a Disney park, that's a double dose. to distract you from the double-dose you won't get for a while...

* don't tell me what i can't do!
you can't wear those reindeer ears
why not!
cos you look ridiculous

* don't tell me what i can't do!
DON'T TOUCH THE CHRISTMAS TREE!!!
i can if i want!
the snowflake hanging ornaments, they're sharp! those are made with real knives, not ice!!!

* don't tell me what i can't do!
want a churro?
man steps inside the large glass case for a churro...and Donald locks him in...

* kiss me with your mask on, that will prove you really love me...

* no fair, he got to kiss the stacked princess!
Goofy: do YOU look like Matthew McConaughey?!!!...he can kiss without a mask cos he's had everyone...

* i wonder if you need to wear a mask to ride Dumbo?
Dumbo: yes, even sex, you need to start learning to fuck in a mask...

* C3PO: i don't need to wear a mask...…...i will never fuck...

* Mickey: i borrowed this plaid coat from Sean Connery...
Sean Connery: remember back in the good ol' days when you could sing HO in this park?...

* it should have been the Battle of Los Angeles but it was never gonna be in the STAPLES Center anyway...

* don't worry, Hulu has live sports, but you can catch up on all your basketball highlights after the game on TikTok...

* four is an unlucky number. make that the five corners of the world...

* i don't mind wearing the cutoff socks that are cut so thin they don't have a tube, they're just a base, they're ankle socks. i know they are meant for women in their 40s attempting a Broadway ballet comeback, but i feel fine in them! light & airy!

* God bless you, my man. you WILL find your wife's ashes in the rubble of the fires and you WILL spread them over the waves of Hawaii, the only waters left in this cruel grey world that are still blue. this WILL happen for you, my friend. God bless you, brother...


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: gonna go on a walkabout and travel to the Seaside McDonald's to see how the interior has changed. this was our only local international landmark, the wallpaper before told the story, the wallpaper was a tapestry scroll of all the happenings and incidents in the Salinas fields, how John Steinbeck was a witch. who used sleeping powder. how the area used to look like a '70s New York City Sesame Street neighborhood block. how the invention of water was made right here, which was then used to grow romaine lettuce which was only rancid for a while. but then that guy rammed his car into the place which was a monument and it went up in a terrible and terribly sad ball of flame...





Wednesday, September 16, 2020

PENN PAT: TORCH POINT




Pat: what happened at the casino last night?

Serano: you were there? you saw me?! 

Pat: nevermind.

Serano: that's my line. yeah, let's go see Boc.

Boc: it's not fair! life's not fair! 

Serano: some of us never know our father, kid. or really know our father if you know what i mean...

Boc: FINALLY the air quality is GOOD! i checked it on my phone for the past two weeks, FINALLY the green circle! but NOW it's too fucking hot outside again!!! i have to wait till dark. it's a magical experience watering a lawn at night. you can't see a thing so all your meditation has to be internal. 

Serano: and you have to be sure to always point your nozzle due north star or you'll wet your short-shorts...

later that night, Boc waits till night. till midnight. till the dead of night. when all he can hear is the casino din on the boat docked in the distance. 

Boc: as i water, i sense a twinkle in the air. i smell the musk. and i can SEE!!!

three large phoenix birds descend on the grass court. they are HUGE!!! and they light up internally! sparkle from their insides as if puppets from the Main Street Electric Parade!

Boc: but they're real! they are all too real! wow. amazing...…...it's the MUSK!!! the musk in the air from my hose's water is drawing all exotic creatures great and great to my small area of green on the globe!

there are so many lights lining like Christmas lights and sparklers the houseboat offshore that no one inside the club notices nature.

Eye Luggage: i was in a college goth band named Ephematic...

Dirg: but you're still in college now. i'm your roommate...at least your roommate in the classroom...

Eye: yeah, that was a long time ago...

Laertus: haven't had live music in a minute...

Annie Wright starts the first all-girls school on a treelined grassy knoll on the first hill of Monte Carlo island……...awhile ago and retroactively becomes the first Orchid Girl...

Shere Hite publishes the first account of female holograms having orgasms and wins the Nobel, which she soundly rejects until Sartre's Girlfriend as she's known carved in the town hall gets her medal back.

Shere: i am a tigress. and i am all for cheap shots in the cause of justice.  

also, a girl named Natricia becomes a first-time member...

at ESPN First Take:

Max: i have the ability to change my mind when new evidence surfaces. that's called having a brain. that's called having intelligence. that is what gets us out of this politically relativistic mess. i will be an informed information information-age voter, not a tv voter, come November. i still say Chadwick Boseman should play Kawhi Leonard...

Stephen A: oh lawdy. i got my preacher towel out cos it hot in here!!! it's getting hot in herr!!! it's getting baking in here!!!

Molly: don't look at me. 

Max: look. i just want to say while i'm still on tv that i have nothing to do with Max Major. that is the current host of Around The Horn, not me the previous host. 

Tony Reali: sorry, world, i got a little carried away with my bananas...

Max: i know i often get confused with Roger Federer...

Roger Federer: get my name out yo mouth! people think tennis players aren't tough but i'll box yo ass, minimax!

Max Major needs a police escort to get out of Vegas. there is one police escort left in the world...

later, in his dressing room, Max Major is greeted by two boxes......which are cleared by police...

and a phone call: David Copperfield: don't sweat it, kid, all magic is fraud.

Max receives from David a box of makeup. from Criss Angel Max receives a box of guyliner.

Criss Angel: i'm from the original Greek island...

Warner Wolf looses his tie and steps up to the hot crackling mic:

Warner: did y'all see that just now? that made me legit cry. ME, hardnose from New York.

Marion Stokes: let's go to the videotape...

Jennifer Capriati gets up on stage. her blouse is soaked and she's sobbing into the mic:

Jennifer: to all my gods...but especially my fans...not to my parents...I AM SO SO SORRY...

Jen leaves the stage crestfallen and blows a kiss to Pam Shriver.

Warner: before i continue i'm not owned by any corporation. this made me feel for the first time in my life. i was thirsty no more. over a woman no less. i'm okay with this. i'm okay with her. you forget that Capriati kid is just a kid. what if she were your kid daughter? she can do whatever she wants in a paisley sweater: drugs, sex, whatever. as long as it's not performance-enhancing, cocaine is fine.

Warner's bookie nodding in the shadows: coke don't throw off the balance of the bet...

Dirg: throw that scumbag in jail!!! that was private property!!!

Laertus: why? he was doing the right thing only to get cuffed by the cops??? i mean Warner removing PLANTATION from the sign is just another version of toppling a Confederate statue!

Mr. Peanut joins Ace of Base...

Doryce and Gladyce are at the New Orleans Starbucks the one on that corner where all the hurricanes hit...

Gladyce: we're right by Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe, are you sure you don't want to go there?

Doryce is looking the drunker for wear...

Gladyce: you okay, dear?

Doryce stumbles into the Starbucks and looks around the ceiling.

Doryce: why is there a jumble of horns up there? i thought New Orleans and Seattle were in a civil war...

Doryce staggers up to the counterboy:

Doryce: you're too skinny for my tastes. eat more beignets, boy! what is this place?

boy: for coffee.

Doryce: yeah but how are we to know this? it's just a store, a beige brown store, how do we know what the fuck you do in here!!?

Gladyce: excuse my friend, dears, she's had a long hard heated summer. my good friend, my lover. she's a little...

Doryce gets down on one knee and holds up a Funyun to Gladyce:

Doryce: will you be mine? i have the nastiest craving for Ritz crackers. but only ONE Ritz cracker...

Gladyce: no worries, folks, i'll get her sobered up with some tea from next door...

Madame Zuzu's Tea Shoppe stands as a citadel on the hill. there's an ancient Native American Thunderbird on its frontal crest. ocean water marks on each of its sides and cupboards. and the lines are like snakes trying to capture the beak of the bird high up. Cotard and Madame Pons discuss the founding of this landmark for a Rolling Stone article which Cotard writes for now:

Cotard: it's like a little piece of Obec right here on Monte Carlo island.

Pons: yeah.

Cotard: you know why the lines are so long here?

Pons: sure. whenever you have ONE place which does something a certan way no one else in the world does, the place becomes magical. this is why chains are death. see if you have that ONE place that does the tea THAT way, nowhere else is it done that way. people will travel from all corners of the globe to visit your little plot of land that exists nowhere else. that is the genesis of the billion-dollar industry of food traveling, to get that one special cup of tea...

Cotard: sure. but it could also be that you're the only place offering flu shots...

Pons: right. we razed the Walgreens for this place. i make sure each flu-shot victim i mean patient wears a red bandage visible and airholed on their bicep at the end of it. free advertising, just a little gallows humor to lighten the mood in these dark times.

Mardith: not cool, sis. i've been reading WWII history. never has being positive been so negative. i'm gonna fetch you a couple books off these shelves here for you to peruse nighttime. some tomes to help you on your path to becoming a channeler. NOT a youtube channeler!!!...

Dirg arrives at the Thunderbird disheveled...

he is wearing a tie on his ear.

Dirg: i'm here for our date.

Mardith: we aren't dating...

Dirg: damn, i read the signals wrong. can you teach me to read signals like you do palms? i downed an entire bottle of Old Bay Seasoning and washed my hair in Selsun Blue and everything, too.

Pons: dear, that should have been your first clue. Selsun makes your hair smell medicated, not lush like our LUSH head soaps.

Pons: this bookshop tea parlor is very special to me. i was here as a little girl when the three things which changed my life forever occurred right here. first as i played hooky from school i curled up in a ball in that same corner over there and first read Anne Sexton. then in the other corner over there by the mini-waterfall is where i first discussed Conversations With God with another person. i was embarrassed when i received the books as a bundle as a gift for Christmas cos i thought i was the only one in the world with this secret gnostic knowledge.

Neale Donald Walsch: me, too. btw i bathed my beard and neck in the waterfall...

Pons: i chatted this woman up who was eyeing the Conversations books. New Age was still a new thing and a new aisle in the '80s and '90s. i told her, "I hope you meet another of my kind on your journey..." and i exited the bookshoppe stage right. and then stage left. i was always such an actress.

Pons: and then i talked with a nice college-aged young man with a beard who was clerking at the time. he told me that you didn't need to become a monk in order to live the monastic life. you didn't need to be cloistered. you could be a monk in the world, just live quietly in the din and speak only with your spirit...

Cotard: that young priest was me. my beard hadn't flowed out yet...

Takahashi: this place is a cathedral to culture!!!

Pat and Galivant find a nice quiet spot on the island for practice, at night away from the madding betting dice crowd. on the furthest corner of the island is an ice-blue grass court with no one around for miles now or since, so quiet you can hear the flowers grow...

Galivant: okay, your next lesson: serving in the dark...

Pat: yeah how is this gonna work? i can't serve when the sun is beating down on my eyes.

Galivant: well, think about it. if you can master serving in the dark, you'll be Zverev in the day with your eyes closed!

Galivant: relax and rejoice in the chill night air. smell up your nose. take a cue from my voice, take a musical cue, listen to me singing the song, see the vibrations in the black, like soft piano mellow notes in wavy white. whenever i hit the high note, make that the highest arc and arch of your backswing, there you go...

Pat: that's a pretty song, i didn't know you could sing.

Galivant: i only sing when it's important. life is too important to be taken seriously. the tennis life is a hard life but it's a glorious life! enjoy it before it becomes a job. you get to travel the world!!! it's magnificent!!!

Pat: only if you promise to be my partner uh my coach.

Galivant: when all this is over and the tour gets functioning again, where do you want to travel to?

Pat: four places: Disko Bay, Greenland/ Punta Arenas, Chile/ anywhere in Japan/ and the Democratic areas in Alaska.

Galivant: nice. the four corners of the world...

Eye: what were we talking about again?

Tyzik: off the bat: what would you rename The Fabulous Baker Boys?

Dirg: Gimmick Brothers. off the bat:...…...i LIKED this film. Michelle Pfeiffer was HOT in this!!! 

Eye: The Fabulous Baker Boys and go...

Laertus: okay, let's discuss that New Year's piano scene, the iconic scene. don't remember my grandad taking my dad to those kind of New Year's parties in the '80s...

Dirg: my dad did...

Laertus: Michelle in the scorching red dress on top of the piano with Jeff Bridges playing the piano...that's why she's called the torch singer...

Dirg: women can only ooze sex at that age. Jeff Bridges was a sex symbol hunk before he became all slovenly to play The Dude...

Eye: clearly Michelle was auditioning for the part of Selina Kyle in the next Batman film. she had bagged Catwoman with that performance, cat was in the bag! the only thing which brings this scene down is the song itself, "Making Whoopee". whoopee is such a ridiculous word...

Dirg: i always confuse Michelle Pfeiffer with Kim Basinger. i always confuse Michelle Pfeiffer with Mackenzie Phillips the One Day At A Time druggie, always confuse those two Hollywood families. see, fellas? you need to write TWO hot tv shows at the same time to bag a classy woman like Michelle Pfeiffer...

Laertus: or in your case blow your own fife. 

god damn you're cold. you're a razorblade.

why can't men and women talk to each other classy like this anymore? we need more noir in our conversation...

Eye: at the beginning, nice tits on that broad in bed. Jeff's got nice hands she says coyly like a kitten...

Dirg: see, fellas? years of playing the piano by yourself while the other kids played together on a Little League baseball team on Mount Rushmore will pay off eventually...get your fingers all exercised...

Laertus: black hair polish for hair? that's what they did in the '80s, used shoe polish cos toupees were just for rich real-estate developers. at this point just use black paint on that head!

Eye: that's Michelle Pfeiffer's real voice!

Dirg: and Bonnie from Family Guy's real voice! that's her real baby voice! wow, what a leg-up Jennifer Tilly has finding dudes for dates!...

Laertus: i'm feeling Beau Bridges wasn't the lava star Jeff was. even with the heat of the Stargate. he was kinda always the other brother.

Dirg: strange family. Jeff with the beard is the Transcendental Buddhist of course but Beau with the pretty lips is the Christian. Beau won't take the Lord's name in vain if the script calls for it, always asks for a rewrite. however Beau is quite comfortable saying cock in your pocket in this. he can't get his priorities straight, not a real Christian. that scene where the brothers fight against the chainlink fence, Jeff really broke Beau's hand in real life, Lloyd wasn't prouder of his boys than at that moment. it takes real men to be actors...

Eye: Michelle was a shoe-in to win the Oscar that year but lost to Jessica Tandy! Michelle was the hooker-with-a-heart-of-gold a year before Julia Roberts's pretty woman!

Laertus: once again, Driving Miss Daisy misses the mark and ruins it for another one!!!

Dirg: come on, they HAD to give it to Tandy, she was on her last legs...

Laertus: two veterans from 24 my favorite show cos Republicans love it even though Kiefer is a Democrat: Xander Berkeley as the white racist, and Gregory Itzin from Las Vegas fame...

Dirg: sigh, obviously fake news, Hollywood fiction, there are no racists in Berkeley. 

Dirg: ARE YOU KIDDING ME!!? Chalamet makes it into everything!!! Timothee Chalamet is the boy manning the dog-pound station Jeff beats up!

Eye: Jeff pounded. that boy. the dog, it's a black lab! it's Sandy! right, dear?

Laertus: yes, dear.

Eye: Ellie Raab holding onto her mother's Elie Saab wedding dress...

Dirg: it's tough when you're the kid in the middle of an affair. 

he sounds big...

hahahahaha.

that scene on the apartment-building roof...

Germane: remind you of anyone you're missing?...

Dirg: i honestly thought that sweet young innocent freckled little girl was gonna jump...

Laertus: i love how this film brings back the jazz standards, the songs everyone knows, like they were TikTok pop...

Dirg: all Jeff wants to do is be a real jazz musician, not play the jazz piano...but he can't cos he's white...but how do they lug not one but TWO grand pianos to each gig, the stamps required must be ENORMOUS!!! it's IMPOSSIBLE for the Post Office!!!

Dirg: what was Jeff doing with Michelle's perfume in that one scene? drinking it? i need to learn this technique...

Eye: this could have been more interesting if they fiddled with the script. no, not violins, they had Beau already saddled with a wife and kids. there was never going to be any triangle-tension from the start. this should have been a race to a girl's heart by BOTH brothers. with one of them murdering the other in the end Cain-style of course.

Dirg: Magical Negro helps Jeff...sort of...what do you think the minor accident that happened to Beau's family was?

Dirg: let me guess...playing football while covid?...

Eye: see? Michelle leaves the Baker Boys to do cat-food jingles, Catwoman, this was all planned out beforehand, she was gonna have a great career...

Laertus: yikes, "You're Sixteen", you just can't play that song anymore...not as gleefully as the brothers do to bond over and connect again...

Eye: last scene should have gone like this:

Jeff: i know we'll see each other again, call it male intuition.

Michelle turns her head around to face his face from across the street, throws her beret in the air like Mary Tyler Moore, and says back to him: meow meow.

Michelle: i know one thing for sure: in a few years people won't be talking about us and jazz standards around here, they'll be talking about a little something i like to call Kurt Cobain Music...

Eye: oh it was so great to see the Space Needle in this film free from haze...g'night, folks...

Dirg: just purple haze...g'night, folks...

on a pontoon six feet away from the island of Monte Carlo, Ryan Seacrest is having surgery. back surgery. he's getting his spine replaced. he's getting a new spine. he's getting Simon Cowell's spine...










Monday, September 14, 2020

TMIT: THE THINKER, PAINT IT BLACK



1. when are you most motivated? now, as i'm losing my friends one by one...

2. if you didn't know your age, how old would you think you'd be?

funny this comes up, this is the conundrum i've been struggling with awhile now. i haven't dealt with it and i'm not on tv with a suitcase. see, and this was before the pandemic. i got lost in time where Time wasn't a thing for me anymore, i stopped counting the seconds. and the days. like that commercial for fortified chocolate milk with hormones i drink everyday. and then i did a reacharound and tried to think when my birthday was again and couldn't. i smoked with a caterpillar instead to forget. that i needed to forget. that was depressing. i don't know how old i am anymore...and i don't want to find out, i'm scared to.

……...instead i remain the 12-year-old nostalgic boy from the '80s i've always been...Fedco pizza...kissing red frogs...sleeping in hospitals...

3. what is one part of your everyday routine that you'd be better off without?

my Archer reviews. damn it all to hell. i did a review of EVERY SINGLE episode from the last season of Archer...really thinking that would be the last season!!! and it kinda was, i mean that last episode was quite Anthony Bourdain, quite retrospective psychedelic. and then they turn around and say THIS season coming up this week this Wednesday is gonna be the last season!!!...maybe!!! well HELL NAW i'm not gonna do Archer reviews anymore, those things are time-confusing and time-consuming and laborious...and for what?...what do i gain from them!?...

4. what is a question you wish people would ask when they meet you for the first time?

do you bore easily? cos you're gonna get bored with me real quick...two weeks tops and i'll never see you again...at least let me keep the pesto gum...






Friday, September 11, 2020

DON'T WASTE COKE ON TOILETS



notes:

* WARNING: this may make you give up the internet forever

* not real birds

* done before the whole Fallon controversy. Fallon the dummy with the dummy

* how many holes does a human have? one...

* Soda Springs: it's not what you think...

* the dog on Frasier was the spirit of the dead erudite professor father of the two brothers...

* whenever i see Moby's face from now on i will also see Natalie Portman's face

* and why does every AI robot look like Natalie Portman?...

* remember, The Office, Gervais is on our side, he just wants us to be less stupid about it. to get the bricks out yer head...

* Equestrian Couples: not what you think, two human wranglers involved

* dude, you are no Jessica Simpson. you are at most Elliott in a grey hoodie

* hey Siri, repeating is not knowledge

* life hack: if you're taking a depression test, you're depressed.

* daily problems staying alive...

* ah the good old days, when viruses were viruses……...when they were just harmful computer viruses... 

* blonde babe is not a PC expert who will feed you grapes in your ear as you get your headset on, she is an AI...

* the important thing is to talk to someone. even if that someone is the guy online who is there to fix your connection to your shrink

* please, let's not do the Her thing again, i comprehensively explored all the Her issues in a previous story... 

* Frank C: my name is Frank but i'm not in the mob

* when they ask where you're from, hang up

* Frank C: i'm from Florida but it's not what you think

* OMG that's the sound from Legacy of the Wizard!!!

* Frank C: use Facebook...not to stalk me tho...

* Frank C is Ollie Wride!!!

* Frank C is what Ronaldo would have been sans soccer: a European DJ

* am i wasting my life? yes, don't go to any more links 

* zoom doctor: is your mind constantly racing? well at least you have it better than me, I'M FUCKING WOODY ALLEN FOR CHRISSAKE!

* make a list of all your horrible worries......and don't put it in the fire...keep it on the fridge so you see it every morning before work...

* why doesn't my tongue taste good? two words: TRY TANG

* Jon, Jon, did i wake you at 3 in the morning? it's not a spam call. it's not a spam call!

* Jon: i look like that one MMA fighter you know...

* no girlfriend? well your girlfriend is your girlfriend, your friend, and your family...

* nobody likes you...right now...maybe get another look than shoe bomber...

* everything's better with pictures

* how to get people to like you? shake their hand...

* eyebrow flash. eyebrow flash when you're taking pictures outside...

* Jude Law: you'll never have a better eyebrow flash than me...

* scrap the Bible. start over. have the Bible written by all women this time and see how the world turns out...

* for the record, Steve Harvey's favorite cookie: peanut

* don't rush to conclusions, Frank C might have seen it but his seen is on invisible

* wanna go out for breakfast later? come on, Taco Bell Breakfast Sauce

* and of course no one watched this cos everyone was too sad after the Venture Bros news


happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i dunno, i wanted to go to the In N Out drivethru but i can't see an inch in front of my face. the haze mixes with the dust, it's confusing cos the marine layer mixes with the smoke so it's deceptive, you don't know if the grey-blue is cool or hazardous. when the In N Out girl bangs on my car window i'm gonna think it's a Sandworm!

i could always go to Dave & Buster's...ding ding ding my friend...ding ding ding...but i'm afraid of loud noises...

CARRENO BUSTA FOR THE U.S. OPEN!!! CARRENO BUSTA RHYMES!!!