Friday, December 2, 2016

FRANKINCENSE


learned:

* it helps anxiety? well i've tried everything else. do you crush the stones and mix it with milk?

* Frank: i'm lonely but i got a nice house in the hills.

* Frank: i use that little mirror to shave. i have yet to shave.

* Frank: tea, earl grey, hot....................................oh i still have to make it myself?

* Frank: that woman in the painting? i ate her. no, it's not what you think, i mean sex, sex.

* Frank: they said this hat was XXL.

* Frank: hooligans drove by and slanted my mailbox with their bats. i ate them.

* Frank: i don't walk with a gimp, that's my dick. thank you, Dr. Frankenstein.

* Frank: i screwed red and green christmas lights into my bolts? festive, huh?
little girl: makes it creepier. you've ruined Christmas for me forever.

* Frank: wait! just wait! motherfucking wifi in this motherfucking town in this motherfucking blizzard.

* Frank: don't be scared, this is my real voice. it's so low it causes tsunamis.

* crowd: we don't know that one. you know "Last Christmas" by Wham!?

* little girl: i was just joking before. i know that's your real face and you can't help it.

* little girl: are you crying?
Frank: men aren't supposed to cry. men are supposed to be scary.

* Gordon Ramsay: it's colder than a witch's tit! where's my motherfucking coffee!!?.................i'm in the wrong commercial again innit? one day, Gervais, one day...

* crowd: that Everybody Loves Raymond ending. i mean come on. it's gotta be better than that.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend. stay cold.







Wednesday, November 30, 2016

FOR A SUN: RETOUR DU ROI


IT WAS MADCHEN! that's what you waited all week for, IT'S MADCHEN!

Madchen emerges from the crack of the aquamarine gem. ass first coincidentally. she is calmly clammy. a finger of hers falls off, turns into a sword, then poofs away in a sick yellow cloud. she is naked and her auburn hair flows more than usual cos there's more of it cos it hasn't been cut in like forever. it flows in the windless late afternoon. her skin is glistening and almond-milk, not pale and sallow as you'd think being trapped in essentially a tiny ufo in space for months on end.

Madchen: jealous. you ladies got the sun. my tan needs work.

three female devotees fall humbly to her feet.

Carmen: oh my goddess...

Madchen: call me mama. i'm just like you.

Carmen: mom...

Madchen: mama

Carmen: we missed you terribly. we longed for your stewardship.

Madchen: i knew you gals'd handle it. you're women. of big butts and sturdy hips and strong lips. i really needed a long nap after all that Earth shit.

Carmen: yes my liegess, we still mourn for your son. a terrible irrevocable loss.

Madchen: don't let this white skin fool you, i have every right to be goth but i'm not. the rest did more than revitalize me, it rejuvenated me. i'm sad but cynical. my trauma is tempered. i'm still adorable but a little angry. more a bitch than a witch. i love you guys. missed ya.

they hug for an hour. Harfi holds on a bit more.

Hilary: what the hell is going on here?

the reunited beauty-shop quartet wipe away tears. Madchen's tears are saltier.

Harfi: your return brings it all back. like a flood. in my eyes. i miss Hartwin. i loved Hartwin. more than you. he was my first. my one and only.

Madchen: okay, that's enough hugging. i know, dear. let's not get crazy but i know, dear. he was my first son. my one and only.

Harfi: you are kinder than i remembered.

Herlina: *with sparkle eyes* you are more beautiful than i remember.

Carmen: you have more gravitas than i remember.

Madchen: that's the thing with memory, everything gets forgotten. i am proud of my girls. you survived the deep trenches of space. you fought off all aggression and even had a mild romance along the way.

Harfi: no.

Carmen: no.

Herlina: kinda.

Madchen: that's a problem, mis amigas. we women need to use our wiles for wilds. it's not a space opera without the star fucking. we'll get to that, there's time. for now we must reinforce our orientation. i'm starving AF. you were strong. female strength is like an ant's strength, imperceptible and unexpected.

Hilary: what the fuck is going on here?

Madchen: oh hello. hey aren't you that lady who ran for President? sorry i'm not as obsessed with politics as you are. i tend to forget the whole thing once it's over. sorry for leaving you back there but i felt something was missing.

Hilary: i wish i could turn off. what planet is this?

Madchen: that's my line. you're alright, lady, you're first in my book. i can already see you've changed. you've swapped that hideous pantsuit for a proper uniform. you're one of us.

Hilary: i see women helping other women and i well up. i don't wall up. i want to learn your ways. i want to help out. i want to see where i went wrong. i'm not bitter. i was cheated. and like any woman who was cheated on, i plan my revenge in a cold, calculating manner.

Madchen: well how do you like that? see? we're really not in control. the fates are. i thought you were a goner. i felt guilty about that. i thought i was gonna need therapy for life. despite all my efforts you managed to survive and find your way here to thrive. right where you belong. i feel better about myself. our paths are set in the stars.

Herlina: insert "fate" with "black hole" and i agree.

Hilary: thank you, ma'am. i feel more accepted than i ever have. but i do miss my the Pope. i hope she's alright without me.

Madchen: nah, she's a bad bitch like us. we are made in the image of our Creator after all. i needed someone over there to lord over Atlantis. she'll whip 'em into shape. with her whip. the Earth survivors aren't survivors until they survive her. i'm sure she misses you. she's a hop, skip, and a black-hole jump if you ever want to visit her. but for now let her do her important work.

_________________

Atlantis inside the bubble:

the Pope marches back and forth with a sign that reads DEAR IVANKA: YOUR DAD'S A CREEP in front of the last remaining brick of Bump Tower. she follows the brick up a red high-heel shoe with a red bottom. and up a nice-looking leg with a red bottom, Ivanka.

Ivanka: *holding a red-cup cappuccino* yeah, i'm here, what.

the Pope: oh hello dear. it's just you seem the most reasonable of the kids. like you don't want the life, you just want to sell your junk on QVC like the rest of us. honey, you must join the Resistance. put on this safety pin. your father must be stopped! how did your meeting go?

Ivanka: the QVC one? cancelled when the Earth blew up. my dad's dead.

the Pope: only in this timeline. ideas spread like comets. speaking of galactic fire, you're fucking hot. my white sheets are getting colder. bedsheets, talking about bedsheets. what say you warm up my lonely nights and become my Christmas fireplace? i can excommunicate you if you refuse...

_______________

Hilary: on the black-hole ride here i viewed a trailer on my watch. the wifi was astronomically spotty but i managed to enjoy the rich textures of the Wonder Woman trailer. i may be old, but this romance is older. i haven't been this excited just from a trailer in never. this is the first time i've ever been excited from a Hollywood trailer.

Madchen: i feel ya...

Carmen: i feel ya...sorry, mama, but we know her longer. i feel ya, girlfriend, that Gal is a gal!

Harfi: where's Herlina's girllove retort? where is Herlina?

Madchen: she seems to want to disappear herself.

Harfi: i feel ya. i like the action sequences on scooters. there's something about scooters. you see the dressing-room fitting scene? that amazon is a princess!

Madchen: but is she prettier than me?

Hilary: i'm glad i missed Thanksgiving this year. i actually had an excuse this year. all my relatives got sacked this year and were looking for handouts. what am i, made of gold?

Madchen: only your hair. did you say Sachs?

Hilary: you do pay attention!

Madchen: okay i confess. i was feigning disinterest cos frankly i didn't want you joining our group. change is hard. it's pretty boring being in a gemstone. nothing to do but read the paper.

Carmen: i love Thanksgiving. i do it for my family. the cats love that unusual dark meat. i slave over a hot stove for 13 hours getting the turkey brined just right. i put the brine bag over my head and sniff the fumes, that's how i get through it. i pluck all the herbs from my countertop aero garden to taste. i can't taste seasoning anymore, my tongue has no more tastebuds from aborted parseltongue spells.

Harfi: when i was in the army we just went to Denny's. you can't tell the difference. turkey's turkey. we didn't talk about our life goals, we talked turkey. we laid out our next military operation, spreading the folding plan over our lit table over a pot. the only spice was in the Wild Turkey bourbon. the bourbon in the coffee.

Madchen: yeah i would have liked to have gone to Denny's but i always assumed Hartwin preferred his mother's home cooking. don't lift one finger and you got good food. and you don't have to clean up! don't forget about the horrendous cleanup! five bottles of disinfectant, five ruined brushes, and five dishwater loads later...

Harfi: a Denny's booth was Hartwin's favorite place in the whole world. even more than his room. i learned that on our first date.

------------------

Herlina has wandered off. in the driving snow. to a cave where a wampa used to dwell. she lies down on a blanket of blizzard for her daily emo evocation.

Herlina: i'm not losing weight as fast as i'd thought. i've seen the future and i'm not going.

Cumberbitch: oh don't talk like that.

Herlina: it's you. i'm calling you Cum out of respect. or maybe Mr. C. like Happy Days. i thought the drug cartels got you.

Cumberbitch: if it's not one death squad it's the next. let me tell you, they are telling the truth when they tell you that marijuana kills.

Herlina: i've heard Carmen's stories. all i hear is your voice.

Cumberbitch: come closer to Cum. i'm in hiding. see me yet? it's classic camouflage.

Herlina looks down the down shaft of the cave and notices the entire left facing side is one big wampa popsicle. the hairy beast is frozen in solid ice! but he can still smile that goofy toothy grin.

Herlina: you okay like that? you comfortable? how are you surviving?

Cumberbitch: inside here i drink my own juices. it's like prison.

Herlina: fitting. or, well, ironic. i'm too nice. i can't stay mad at anybody. i was thinking of going on a water fast.

Cumberbitch: that sounds healthy and not dangerous at all. that doesn't include ice, right? please lick me out of this mess.

Herlina: i've waited forever for someone to ask me that.

Herlina begins licking the gigantic popsicle with Cumberbitch inside.

Herlina: what do i use for the popsicle stick?

Cumberbitch: just stick a stick in me. i'm done. use a stick that always seems to be lying around at any given time.

with each successive lick Herlina's tongue turns ever bluer. but not her spirit. she is losing her tastebuds for a good cause.

________________

Madchen: ladies...and Madam President.

Hilary: aw, shucks. hey!

Madchen: we need to hunt for food. remember what i taught you. sense it. sense it communally, then draw strength from the group and steal it to steel you. be the straw. straw strength. recognize the energy of the universe. it's blue cos it's yellow. it's not male or female but it's playful like a witch's fox familiar. use that energy to pinpoint your specific place in it. that's how you sense others not like you. only you can see food for what it really is. this way. follow me.

Hilary: *taking notes in her green notebook* follow me she says...

Madchen opens her hand and a yellow spark which emerges blue forms a spear from her arm. the impromptu group path for awhile through a couple dry straw mazes until they bump into a rather strange-looking alien with gray skin. it's not that he's strange from a human point of view, he looks very similar to a human, but he's strange by his own species. like he doesn't seem to fit the standard size. his legs move so quickly under him that his feet are lost in a constant cloud, he glides to move, he doesn't walk, it's like he's being dragged. he has breasts exactly like a woman's on his chest.

Hilary leaps toward the alien and slashes him with a knife.

Hilary: *tribal chant using her tongue rolled up like a taco* lululululululululululululemon

Musculo: what the fuck, man!!!?

Hilary: sorry.........sorry..........sorry about that........working my way through some stuff.......out of some stuff.....out of it..........sorry............i'm noticing you aren't bleeding.....

Musculo: ay ay ay! dona guapa! reina regalia! como estas ustedes? es? eu? is that correct? do i bow now?

Madchen: my my my you're big! like i mean tall, not your penis, i wasn't staring at your large penis. you have muscles everywhere!

Musculo: that is my name, don't wear it out on money. i am a strong man. stop staring at my tits! well okay stare at my breasts, not my fat. i've read about your kind. the teacher-expert elite at my school tried to ban the forbidden text but i hacked it. i was in detention all throughout high school but who needs prom? Earthlings, right?

Madchen: that sounds weird.

Musculo: okay don't call us Keplerings, that sounds weird. we're just people. people are people. Lutum, human, Transformer, all fascinating and fucked up. i sensed you were searching for food. hungry?

Madchen: you have good sense.

Musculo snaps his finger and the storm ends.

Musculo: there's a pizza farm just down the road, past the weird barn behind the drive-in screen. let it thaw out first.

Herlina: i love cold pizza. i like your big tits.

Harfi: there you are.

Musculo: tits is such a filthy word. at least call them boobs. we feel things intensely. we are governed by how others feel things. that's why are hearts are two sizes too big. our hearts literally protrude from our chests and thus need funbags to encase them. we feel past facts. our special ability is the ability to sense sensers. we are drawn to strong cultish personalities.

Madchen: cool cool. so either show us to the nearest Denny's or the nearest cow or get the hell outta our way.

Musculo: but you're so close. this is your path. your path alone. i can't help, only annoy. repeating myself, once again, as i said before, as i was saying, hungry? what's your game?

Harfi: too tired to bullshit anymore.

Musculo: hungry in my country means you are hungry to play a board game. chess? checkers? three-dimensional chess? sorry, the hologram broke down in the storm. no more wires.

BINGO? WE USE COW KIDNEYS AS OUR MARKER DOTS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

Carmen: wait, before we play, let me check our luck and crack open an egg to explore its entrails.

Madchen: oh jesus you aren't still reviving that regressive ridiculousness, right?

Carmen: right?

Musculo: there's a century egg back at the castle i'm sure you'd be interested in. to eat or to play. this way. follow me.










Monday, November 28, 2016

TMIT: I DO CYBER








1. what would you do to leave a great impression with a person on your first date? roll my tongue into a taco. then roll my tongue into a burrito. then roll my tongue into an eggplant lasagna.

2. do you usually follow your heart or your head? my heart is bigger than my head.

3. if your significant other told you to jump off a tall cliff and told you you'd land safely cos there's a net you can't yet see, would you blindly trust your SO and jump?

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

4. how do you support your significant other? with invisible money

5. what types of things/acts/gestures make you feel loved? when we buy stuff together online on Cyber Monday. i know none of that stuff is gonna make it to our house but it's fun to click the buttons.

6. what types of things/acts/gestures make you feel respected? when i get a stray comment telling me something i wrote changed that person's life....................fuck that was just Cyber Monday spam.

7. can you have emotional intimacy without physical intimacy? explain. this is why the internet was invented. when you type "i want to fuck you", that's much more romantic than actually having sex.

bonus: in 2016, what was your most conflicted emotional moment? when the two of them went to war and battled it out. things got brutal, ugly, and long. back and forth back and forth until it came down to the last bit of time. a winner was finally declared and it wasn't what the crowd wanted.

look i'm happy but i feel bad for the Cleveland Indians, too.

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY




Friday, November 25, 2016

BUNS OF REAL



learned:

* i'm so tired...

* OMFG! it works! i don't have to somehow attach my desktop keyboard to my ipad mini with an adapter that doesn't exist! for the first time in my writing career, i did a complete chapter of my Wednesday ongoing cycle story COMPLETELY on my ipad mini using that demonic mini keyboard. and i had to switch to HTML and add those weird bold quotation marks ON EACH FUCKING LINE I WROTE instead of simply pressing RETURN or the thing would have been one big long indeceipherable block of messy unspaced words, dots, and jumbled thoughts. it was in a word: fucking hell. i was contemplating life this way from now on. was this finally the end of my career? was i finally forced free to go to the monastery as i sort of but not really want to do? would i have to scrunch my fingers into a ball every time i typed and develop early-onset arthritis at age *whatever my age is*? AND instead of simply choosing a pic from the internet and inserting i had to do the whole COPY + PASTE thing on the ipad. AND do a strange thing with my video attachments whereas before it was just ADD and PUSH. i'm freaking out over here. it makes me appreciate what i had. the easy spacious keyboard where i could pat my shirtless belly and stretch out my legs and wave after each keystroke. i could breathe the wind as i wrote longwinded paragraphs that made no sense. i couldn't do that anymore, i had to keep the chapters short and precise, which isn't my forte. too difficult otherwise. i need to be able to type as much shit as my insane brain can spew out or this experiment is a failure and i go back to being just another failure-to-launch.
* it's a Christmas miracle! i do believe in Santa Claus! and i'm not even from Virginia!
* Burger King, go back to that old hamburger logo. change is bad. i say unto you, future generations, resist change at every turn---Americans 1:11 (we Americans are the new Romans)

* gray background: symbolic of Andy's gray heart. and his gray hair which he bleached. it's always symbolic of something with these artists.

* the ketchup bottle is jealous of the soup can.

* right, Andy? Burger King doesn't slather each side of the meat with ketchup like McDonald's. why, Burger King, why?

* though i don't dip like that. no, Andy, don't double dip!

* they're not so much napkins as coarse, thin, irritating paper products.

* Andy: it's hard to eat when you're staring at me like that.

* Andy: check out this innovative cow-in-a-blanket move i just invented.

* never wipe your mouth, Andy, always keep your mouth dirty.

* aw, dude, you're not even gonna finish it? starving children in Africa.

* why do we as a species crumple our bags into circles? why don't we leave them as rectangles?

* Andy: this is my bullfrog impression.

* Andy: my name is Andy Warhol and i just got done eating a Basquiat Burger. you'll get that reference later.

* Andy: my name is Andy Warhol and my favorite show is Venture Bros. you'll see.

* Andy: my name is not Andy Warhol. my name is Kanye. President Kanye.

* Burger, New York. actually Burger, Germany. Despite its name there is no Ham in a Hamburger. Hamburger is the name of the Place it came from. Took me Forever to get Comfortable with that Fact.

* now wasn't that a better meal than a Thanksgiving feast with family and friends?

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend. remember: one leftover-turkey sandwich. just one. diminishing returns once you hit two.









Wednesday, November 23, 2016

FOR A SUN: THIS CURRENT YEAR IS THE WORST EVER


Hilary: I can't go back. I've seen the death squads.
Theo: how many?
Hilary: thousands is a conservative estimate.
Theo: oh come on, you didn't see him in another timeline? one where he had a glint in his eye whenever he talked to a different group? where he didn't do anything but infest the country with his infrastructure? where he negotiated with threats? and plastered his brand with stickers of his name over all the screens? where he was the first person to purchase a country?
Hilary adjusts her skirt to her new flying parameters.
Hilary: it's hard getting down my thoughts mobile like this. I didn't change the platform they did goddammit. this is adeau, dear boy. uh, man. you gotta start over somewhere.
Hilary rushes into a hole in the timeline snake and crashes into a wild and woolly winter wonderland.

-------

the ladies are experiencing their first harsh winter in this strange alien land. everyone else is gone. dead probably. they have no food. no usable water. but cruellest of all they have no direction. they reached the end, then they jumped over the end pictured as a black hole the size of a puddle, and kept going. they are full of purpose with no path. they are getting frustrated:

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

that song didn't help either. the dreamy woman on the cover and the calls for feminine royalty and the scratchy beats and panicked piano and Skins intro vibrato were meant to soothe but instead all the reflection reduced them to rubble.

Carmen is missing her friends and sobs uncontrollably. she places two eggs on her eyes. see, she's getting lazy. you must always perform the spell properly despite your mood. Herlina is buried in her phone ostensibly doing research but really scrolling through the blank instagram rolls. Harfi speaks up.

Harfi: come on ladies! buck up! use less cream on your chins! are we men or are we boys? grow some boobs. we can make it. we just have to believe. in ourselves.

Carmen: no, in something bigger. stop your yelling, you're scaring the cats.

cat 1: do you hear that? I'm meowing like a leopard but I can't hear it.

cat 2: me, too. or I hear yours, not mine. miss. miss! do you acknowledge our furry faces?

Herlina: *scrolls*

cats: well how do you like that? first time in human history our cuteness didn't work. come on, it's up to us. how are we with frozen salmon?

----
Carmen: *pulling her hair out* oh my god I think the cats are missing! more loss!
she cracks open the egg on her newly-bald head. it's a bad one. it's a blue rotten one, the stench rising up and flattening the girls with its power. the yolk is glistening garbage. the smell of a rotten egg is unlike anything you've ever experienced. it's an odor that never gets acquired to, it just lingers and sticks your body with death forever. the three are knocked out cold. except Harfi, she comes to a few minutes later out of sheer Harfiness. she wrestles her way out of the circle hold the blanket of rotten vapor has on her sisters.
Harfi: fuck this. I'm searching for food. or better yet a drink. and I'm not sharing.
---
Carmen: Herlina, dear, you remember that club we all went to, Butts n Bouquets?
Herlina: well this was before we knew each other. but I was there, picking out patterns for the wallpaper.
Carmen: it was a grand ballroom made out of the trunk of the Grand Oak. it was mandated I go, Lysander's orders, he wanted me to get out more. the purple curtains were heavy in the way palace curtains are. and the only thing that ever played was techno.
Herlina: come on, dance therapy? he wanted you to go out more, with him. in fairness though he was searching for a mother for his three sons. I comforted myself with the free cioppino saucers they handed out. after you pay $1000 a pop a night for a ticket.
Carmen: those were good times. you know times are good when they're expensive. I feel like dancing...
---
Harfi trudges along until she lucks upon a log cabin in the white woods visible only from the head of its stovepipe. she massages the backdoor down with the last of her will and testes. the shoppekeeper is a scared old lady.
Harfi: hallelujah. these winters are insane. is this the norm for this planet?
Keeper: please don't deport me.
Harfi: whatdaya got? price is no option. cos I don't have one. I'll pay anything. I'll let you fuck me for this food. you resemble the human Hilary who ran for office. I don't pay attention to politics much, I just like to shoot. I go where they tell me.
Hilary: um, I am native speaker. I have wishbone.
Harfi: look lady I don't have time for your sob story. just sell me the goods.
Hilary can't take the fraud anymore. she has less stamina for this than her opponent, and comes out of the shadows.
Hilary: well that was the problem. with this election, this country, and this life. nobody talks to one another, they just revert to their echo chamber where they feel better than facts. it's just gonna get worse the less we do it until we become two competing black holes. and you know how that turns out. we need to fuck like rabbits, not go down the rabbit hole. now I have exactly one Wishbone left.
Harfi: I knew it was you. I just needed the extra animation to keep warm. okay, Carmen's eggs are not viable but I'll take any more good luck at this point. crack that bone in two. like our Academy exercises.
Hilary: no, it's Wishbone salad dressing. in the stained-glass bottle.
Harfi: oh that is my church! I used to buy it. sometimes with baby carrots, sometimes without. I would drink it right out of the bottle. makes for a cheap pick-me-up when you don't have alcohol on the battlefield. spicy. caliente.
Hilary: thank you, I do look good for my age.
Harfi: got any chips?
Hilary: got one chipa. could be more in the storeroom out front. I'm new here.
Harfi: what kind of weird foreigner food is that?
Hilary: hey! no need to be rude just cos you're dying inside. it's bread, dude, bread. everyone eats bread.
Harfi: wanna join us? that's all I got. add your unfollowed expert to the chorus of shrill voices who can't agree on anything.
Hilary: that's a myth that women can't get along. we aren't jealous of each other, we're just annoyed that we can't fool one another cos we know all of our tricks. it's easier and more fun to play with the inert emotions of clueless men.
Harfi: we got a lot of work still to do as a people. it's like we made no progress at all. like we regressed. like we've been keeping secrets from each other this whole time. but what do I know? I don't shape policy. I have only one identity. oh I'm glad you survived.
---
the unlikely tandem make their way after waiting for a break in the blizzard and reach the camp site. there's no more fire. except what's within. on the grounds of the crash site there now stands a fully-formed dancehall constructed out of wood which shines brightly brown against the otherwise white landscape.
Harfi: what the fuck? I was expecting them to be in the fetal position, stillborn.
Hilary leans against the left door with the circle window.
Hilary: it gets cuter. take a look.
Carmen and Herlina are inside the club, which is decked out with punch and drapes and sick beats, not uptight but upright but in a trance. one cat is on top of Carmen's head, the other cat on Herlina's head. the cats are gently kneading the ladies' hairs trying not to claw them.
Harfi: I see their lighters. they're waving them around. poor things were so cold they hallucinated they were hot. like that Twilight Zone episode.
cat 1: wrong. we've been keeping them calm. otherwise they would have freaked out and died.
cat 2: hey got any food? I'll even eat human food at this point. like bacon or whatever. and we do have names. if you care.
Hilary: your pussies can talk? I could have used that.
Harfi spots Herlina putting the aquamarine gem into her mouth and tries to block it but she's too late. Herlina bites down on it and cracks all her teeth.
Herlina: mmmm free water.
Harfi: you crazy bitch! I mean witch.
the aquamarine is dropped but doesn't shatter into a million pieces. but it is left with a definite splinter down its middle, where a layer of magic mist begins to blow out.
Hilary: no filter. this is real.
Harfi: but is it rotten?

Monday, November 21, 2016

TMIT: FREEDOM FROM WANT







1. how often do you sext? that's the same thing as just scrolling through instagram, right?

2. how many dick pics have you sent in the last 3 months/6 months/year? the only time i ever did this i accidentally sent it to the good people at Butterball. now THAT was an awkward Thanksgiving.

3. do you prefer to send pics of your boobs or vajayjay (pussy)? remember when that word used to be funny with Mrs. Slocombe?

4. do you prefer to receive pics of boobs or a woman's genitals? that's never happened to me. except that one time i worked at Butterball.

5. dick pics. do you really think they are sexy? Richard Burton, absolutely. Richard Chamberlain, of course. Robin, sure. Dick Cheney? not so much.

6. do you send unsolicited pics of your genitals? no. not even if they are solicited. how did this work pre-internet? like were they mailed in a manila envelope?

7. are you more impressed and willing to get to know, meet-up with, date, or have sex with someone who presents a "good dick pic" or "nice tits" pic? you can't be sure if it's really them. it could just be an eggplant or balloons.

bonus: just how sexy are you? my mom says i'm handsome so i'll go with that.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

eat lots of turkey. sleep for the next four years.


Friday, November 18, 2016

GAL


learned:

* i was blown away by the new Wonder Woman trailer. my kind of noir spy thriller. vintage and full of dark color. old Hollywood romance. right up my scooter alley. i never had a thing for Wonder Woman growing up but i might now.

* that trailer really made my eyes moist. unlike the Star Wars trailer which made my parts dry cos i had to see Star Wars even if i didn't want to. first time i'd been in a movie theater in 15 years. did you know they serve nachos now?! honestly the only thing i remembered was Snoke. he looked like a giant Muppet. my ears were deaf for a week after.

* history is written by the electoral college.

* the nightclub is located next to the museum? what kind of city is this?

* Batman: Intergang moves in mysterious ways.
Wonder Woman: i'm not religious.

* Wonder Woman: what use could they possibly have for the Rosetta Stone?
Batman: dunno. Liliana Abud taught me language. the language of love.

* Wonder Woman: why is it called the Iceberg Lounge?
Batman: cos all the women in there are........uh, nevermind.

* Batman: they look drunk.
Wonder Woman: they're in love. same thing.

* Wonder Woman: aren't yellow cabs romantic?
Batman: gotta go. i'm an Uber driver. be right back.

* Wonder Woman: don't you want to have some fun with *curls hair around ear* someone special?
Batman: you mean like Liliana Abud?

* Wonder Woman: no dating for the Batman. it might cut into your brooding time.
Batman: i don't brood. i'm clinically depressed. it's a disease. i can't help it.

* Batman: dating within the team always leads to disaster.
Wonder Woman: Plastic Man has fucked every woman in the DC Universe. i'm assuming you know why.

* Batman: you're immortal, i'm a rich kid.
Wonder Woman: just waiting for you to kick the bucket so i can claim your inheritance.

* Batman: they'd come after me through you.
Wonder Woman crushes the head of the gargoyle.
Wonder Woman: i could do this to your head.
Batman: that is so hot.

* Wonder Woman: let's do it in my Invisible Jet so everyone in town can watch.
Batman: damn you kinky girl. i like kinky.
Wonder Woman: you do?
Batman: i spend all day in my parents' basement.

* Wonder Woman: saved by the bell.
Batman: i hated that show. felt i had to watch more than i wanted to. Screech's uncle taught me high-school Spanish. he was cool. but he was no Liliana Abud.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

happy weekend







Wednesday, November 16, 2016

FOR A SUN: WHY EAT DEATH WHEN YOU CAN EAT LIFE?


Hilary stumbles around the platform with space rain running down her cheeks. she spots a portal and walks slowly towards it. it's bright blue and just small enough...

the portal though seems to be moving toward her.

the Pope: you attract. i can't quite place why.

Hilary: you misunderstand me, rulers. o how i wanted to rule. i've seen other timelines. i've been in some. there is one where he wins and isn't an idiot. he shines yellow each day. but at night he shines blue. there is rampant destabilization of structure and war on the streets. hark, i see one now...

Rudy in full battalion gear and a goofy hat jumps out of the portal and is ready to shoot with his weird crooked lazer before the Pope decks him with her gold spit in his face. he is leveled so hard he squawks like a penguin on impact.

the Pope: that's how you take care of an asshole. wipe it.

Rudy: *stars and chickens racing round his head* ow. my head. what happened? what year is this? what is time? who am i?

the Pope: do you know who the President is?

Rudy: Mickey J. Bump. i bumped my head pretty good.

Hilary: the worst part of it is this means adult swim will order another season of MDE Million Dollar Extreme. world peace my ass! which you can't see cos of the pantsuit.

the Pope raises two fingers to bless but instead touches Hilary's two fingers.

the Pope: trust me. she has a nice ass. nice and contoured and surprisingly toned for a grand ma.

Hilary: i hate-watched that show for research. Sam Hyde is the most disgusting brilliant comedian out there. going against the grain my hidden ass. it's all a joke, right?

Lieu: not sure. that's the genius. i'm not in the demographic but i am hypnotized by how well-done it is. very visual and crisp writing. i got seduced by the art of it.

Hilary faints and falls into the sturdy hands of her paramour.

the Pope: trust in the church for steady leadership. Jesus is king no matter who's President. and i'm his queen. or something. don't worry, i'm not cheating on you.

Hilary grabs a hold of the Pope's right cheek and massages it, covering the Pope's eyes with her crooked fingers.

Hilary: it just wasn't meant to be. for me. but it was never about me. i see that now. give 'em hell, mah dahlin. woman-scorned kind of hell. i need to hike some trails.

the Pope: you're guilty of many things, mah dahlin. but the most egregious is the fact that you have just the most miserable timing of all time.

Lieu slips Hilary, now an ordinary star in the sky, a cassette tape.

Lieu: music for the road. some traveling beats to keep you company so you don't get too beaten.

Hilary enters the portal and slips away...

...TO THE TUNES OF THIS, CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK.

Plato on a distant planet starts bobbing his head to this, crossing his arms and jumping over his cape.

the Pope: *handwave* i shall see you again, my love. odds, right? quick, dude, let's enter before this platform disappears.

Lieu: oh shit. i gave Hilary the wrong tape. it was supposed to be my new mixtape. she having all those connections to QVC and all.

the workers are getting restless, the sun beating down on them without the protection of the earth.

workers: we are not worthy to look upon the face of our gods. except to ask a favor: please god get us out of here! we are workers, we work, that's what we do, we don't die. we're melting!

Fuerza cackles and handwaves casually.

Codrus: i call this one the electric servant slide.

Codrus gleefully takes a hold with both hands of one side of the celestial platform and shakes the monumental rectangle until all of the poor workers have slid and fallen back down to Earth to their crispy gravitational net.

Cotard: not cool, man. i could at least see the gleam of the moon in their eyes as they fell. moon is mooninite for hope.

Fuerza: the moon is actually just a big-ass round of Babybel cheese.

Codrus: you see too much bright side in things, lil bro.

______________________________

Lieu: why you dancin', old timer!

the old man stops and laughs.

Herlina: *breathless* ...Lieu? is that you?...............just a ghost...of happier times...

Herlina's body sits on the dusty deserted deforested forest preserve of the barren planet.

________________________________

Hilary is being flung all around time and space in the hole which has decidedly gone more blue than black. she's having a great time despite the circumstances. then she bumps into Theo Epstein.

Hilary: congrats, Theo. i'd put on my Cubs cap but my ass isn't big enough to hold a cap in my backpocket. everyone now is a closet Cubs fan. it's like when i manned the phone banks and talked to the shy Tories. asked them who they were voting for. they were always so shy on the phone and never said anything. at least they didn't lie.

Theo: thanks. got any pointers?

Hilary: i think you're doing pretty well without me, kid. Red Sox AND Cubs?! you really want my advice?

Theo: uh not really, but how was it when you first moved in? did you get that deer-in-the-headlines sickness that everyone gets when they first step foot in the Oval Office?

Hilary: WAIT, I WAS PRESIDENT IN A TIMELINE?!!!

Theo: yep, mine. i succeeded you. i am President Theo...

Hilary: yeah yeah i don't care about that. bless you for jumpstarting the old gal. i could just kiss you! that wouldn't technically be cheating, right?

Theo: a shake will suffice. in my timeline Earth is called Unit.

Hilary: figures.

Theo: and the clever thing we're doing now is flying to the moon.

Hilary: yeah everyone does that.

Theo: except our moon isn't a moon but a twin planet on the other side of the galaxy. that's how our universe is held up, from these heavenly bodies' positive and negative energies. unfortunately we were stuck with the bad vibes. we must escape soon, our planet's destruction is imminent.

Hilary: ain't that always the way?

Theo: uh, here's my stop, Kop. nice speaking with you, ma'am.

Hilary: what a nice jewish boy. did you say cop?

Theo: that's how it's pronounced in its native language.

Hilary: wow.

-----------------------------------------

the Sandpiper has crashed on the planet Kop. it was too much for the old girl. all the sleepless eatless gasless nights finally caught up with her. the trio of brave female souls are laid out bare spreadeagle on the planet's brown surface, struggling to survive.

Herlina: i'm so sorry, sisters. i failed you. i was too much into the vacation of it. i lost my virginity.

Harfi and Carmen: TO STARSCREAM!!! OH GIRL!!!

Herlina: first time's always painful, right? no amount of research could have saved us.

Harfi: yeah well my instincts are keenly telling me that we fucked. look around. it's a wasteland out here.

Carmen: trust in the witch's way, ladies. wicca will kicka. we are emotional so we can feel out strange environments and hone in on the pockets of benevolence. the source. the source is always good. why i feel it now. my senses work even if my arms don't. yes. it's a good thing that we see brown everywhere. it's not dead. just the opposite. it's beginning. it's new soil rich in nutrients. the green is still underground waiting to sprout up. this is a baby planet, the younger brother.

Herlina: I SEE COWS! why do i always see cows?

a herd of cows with one horn come bursting through the rolling dirt hills and make a sudden stop by the damaged women, sniffing them out before ignoring them and grazing around them.

Harfi: what are they eating?

Herlina: maybe they're on a diet. i can relate. who's that old man one of the cows is riding in on?

Plato: i'm not being ridden. well i was but i was dancing the caterpillar underneath. that was my secret revenge. you guys don't hear that? the music?..................*awkward pause*............anyway my name is Plato.

Herlina: you eat off plates?

Plato: what is that? no, no, we eat with our hands. you're late. please join the others.

Herlina: you can't be real. stuff in books is just that, stuff in books. you're probably just my death throes or another hologram.

Plato: fascinating. so you see me as a hologram? well that works, too. you didn't get the memo?

Carmen: maybe we did and maybe we didn't. haven't had time to check instagram accounts on account of crashing.

Harfi: that's a good thing. fuck instagram and the phones it inspired. you're gonna have to transport us, we're injured beyond repair. can you help us, sir? goddammit! i hate that! y'know what, forget it, leave us to perish with our honor.

Plato: oh i see. you're soldiers of some kind. with weird armor. that's hot. take off that armor i say. get naked. war is bullshit. we've had a couple battles to start things off, get the ball rolling, just to see if we'd like them. they become messy and uncontrollable real quick. even with ironclad treaties. forged in iron. that's why the cows are here. to take you home. climb under them. the trick is to make them think they're in control.

and the three little women cried WE WE WE all the way home.

Plato: you three are all taller than me. but anyway. come. come inside my cave and let me show you my secrets. it's not as dirty as it sounds. in fact it's quite clean in there.

the fighting quarry next to the cave entrance is where the feminine trio to their utter shock and bemusement find Starscream, Galen, the Klingon guy, and the polar bear, uh, wampa, all twiddling their thumbs. the wampa has an extra thumb to balance things out. the Klingon dude is missing a thumb proudly.

Harfi: secrets to what?

Plato: life of course. right? i mean what the hell are we? what on earth is going on?

Harfi: nothing going on earth anymore.

Plato: i know, it's just an expression. isn't knowledge all?

Harfi: nope. i want food.

Plato: thank you. your first test. you ladies are strarving. it would be easy after what you've been through to exact revenge on the cows and meat up. like with my magic.

Galen: or my dark-apprentice lightsaber which can cut through black armor...

Carmen: oh honey, you mean dark meat, right?

Galen: oh, hi. uh, yes, right.

Plato: ...but i challenge you to outlast. wait. you'll see. you'll overcome. your hunger pangs will subside. you'll forget you were ever hungry. and your mind will turn to more important matters. a starved mind is an eager mind.

Plato: me again? okay, this is my cave...as you can see, i've gathered all of you here, protagonists and antagonists, to see if we can get a good ol' Greek play going. it's the new sensation. it's all the rage. even though rage is bad. i love playing checkers with you guys' lives.

Harfi: don't you mean chess? pawns and all?

Plato: what is that? no, the closest we come to chess is we play checkers really slowly. don't you want to come inside? it's too windy out here. i got air conditioning in there.

Harfi: i like the wind. i can achieve the windswept look that's impossible to duplicate in the salon.

Plato: but you're bald! what do you take me for?! inside my cave you'll notice yourself starting to worship shadows cos shadows are the only thing you know. as you come to learn that they are indeed just shadows, you'll want the source better and you'll worship the light, uh, well you'll see the light. Starscream, you're up first. let the ladies rest. what is your most desirous desire?

Starscream: i want to fuck Arcee. i really want to lay the metal to her. i want to get in all her exhaust pipes and turn the key in her trunk. i want to give her my own personal carwash. my piston down there is rusted shut from disuse. i want to fuck her so hard we have children, which is impossible and a sacrilege. the pitter-piston of little robot feet will surely get us thrown into some Cybertronian furnace. but that furnace won't be hotter than our sex. oh hello my dear Herlina, didn't notice you.

Herlina: *sigh*

Plato: enter the cave and when you reach the end turn around and face the wall. wait to see the shadow. i gotta get my marijuana lighter ready. see it? what do you see on the cave wall?

Starscream: yeah, it's an RC remote control car.

Plato: exactly. next. what do you see?

Galen: i choose to close my eyes. the Sith, i mean my sis, teaches that the truth is within.

Plato: oh you're no fun. but you are correct. and i would like to meet your sister. how did you know?

Galen: Star Wars is my favorite movie. got the ball rolling for me. rolled into a giant round in space. kinda campy but the ideas are sound. see? pop culture is a good thing.

Plato: agreed. but we just call it culture. culture is a good thing. next! what do you see?

Pu: i am a Klingon by the name of Pu.

Plato: *snickering* poo.

Pu: that's what i would like to talk to you about today, doc. i desperately need to change my name. the guys at work are making fun of me.

Plato: how about pi? i'm working that number out as we speak. the first number is 3. and that's as far as i've gotten. i put a period after the 3.

Pu: how do you spell it?

Plato writes in the sand like Jesus did that one time.

Pu: that spells PEE!

Pu races out of the cave. the light blinds his eyes. his forehead ridges can't protect him.

Pu: you idiot! you'll be hearing from the Council about this! where's my lawyer?!

Plato: oh, you messed up the test. you stepped on the Baby Ruth bar. i was gonna drop the chocolate in the cave lake and have you go retrieve it.

Pu: i ate my baby Ruth. it's the custom. but don't tell my wife. i also ate the family lawyer. why is your sun so bright? i don't remember Earth being this inhospitable.

Plato: i know. it's not Earth's sun, it's this planet's sun. which is brighter. cos we're the bigger brother. next. oh you're the Cumberbitch, huh? where's my money, bitch?

Cumberbitch the wampa hands Plato a trillion-dollar bill.

Plato: didn't know plants were this lucrative.

Cumberbitch: pot law just got passed. my cave is a gold mine!

they slap backs and Plato puts his marijuana lighter to good use.

Plato: i know how that is. heehee. *sluuuuuuuuurpppppppppp* ah. yeah. this is my kind of stick. i hate using sticks for mathematics, it's too damn hard! alright man, you done. that's it. hey hey hey come back, why is Bart Simpson on the front of this bill?

Cumberbitch: hey man i just know my local dealer, not the boss. he got it from Zimbabwe, okay?

Harfi: take me to your cave, i dare you. drag me by the, wherever. i already know what i see: cow jerky!

Carmen: *hand* hold up, sis. the man has a point. but we have a pointy hat. if we relax, breathe in and take in the sights. that's it. that's it. wait, i think...

Plato: nope.

Carmen: i just, yeah, there it was, i felt better for a millisecond. i thought i saw a ufo in the sky.

Plato: you felt, that's the key. you didn't think. the thing existed in the space when you weren't thinking. that light was a portal.

Carmen: Harfi, next time the light comes on, shoot it down and we'll slather it all over our bodies.

Harfi: i would but i can't feel my arms.

Herlina: why don't i ever get invited to the cool parties?!

Plato: *pointing* your butt is glowing!

the aquamarine gem in Herlina's backpocket does indeed shine.

Plato: hey can i use that as my rock spark? i used up all my fluid.

Herlina: gross. get your hands off me!

Plato: that's good. always be assertive like that. don't let a former teacher boss you around. that was your second test. or third, whatever. but seriously got a light?

Plato: me again? smoking, sorry. got my full hands. no, no, it can't be that easy. Fuerza gets bored easily. it gets revealed in layers like the peels of an orange. confession time: i don't know what an orange is. our climates are more prone to grapes.

Carmen: we are famished but we are full. we will think past this time to when we can feel again.

Herlina: how now brown cow?

cow: hello. nobody's ever talked to us like that before.

the cow extends her hoof to Herlina.

cow: my name's Pink actually. Brown's my brother.

Herlina: i didn't want to talk, i wanted to dance. my arms don't work.

and Herlina dances with all 13 of the cows in a circle, lifting their collective legs to the sky, kicking it.

Harfi: oh shit. dont tell me we have to eat shit again.

Plato: no. it's cud. the cud needs to form. the dancing helps expedite.

the cows all throw up in Herlina's mouth.

Herlina: the fuck?

Pink: sorry, you looked like one of us. it's faster this way. i suppose you could form the cud into a round of cheese. but the fermentation takes longer.

Herlina quickly snowballs the rest of the liquid cud into the mouths of Carmen and Harfi and enjoys that quite a bit. the sisters are healed.

Plato: see? patience. not following your first instinct. conquering your fear and your famine. vegans unite!

the sisters stare Plato down with a dirty look.

Carmen, Harfi, and Herlina: too soon.

Plato: *puts down his raised fist* no? i thought that's what women liked. all women are vegans, right? i hang around men all day. the women seem to disappear during the day. rumor is they're starting a brand new religion called yoga. we get a new religion everyday.

Carmen: same with us. group hug. *group hug*. retinue of ravishing, i love you.

Herlina: love you.

Harfi: love you.

Pink: keep your udders pink!

Harfi: i feel better but our ship's still hurtin'.......................hey where's our ship?!

Plato: decimated. deci-? huh. you ladies aren't going anywhere. you're stranded, uh, i mean welcome home! your vacation just became permanent.

Carmen: i'm trying not to think about it.

Herlina: what did you say the name of this planet was again?

Plato: Kepler.








Monday, November 14, 2016

TMIT: FALLOUT IRL



1. what shoes would you like to fill today? it would be an honor to walk a day in your shoes.
2. what is the next big-dollar purchase you are planning to make? ticket. to get onboard whatever contraption Elon Musk is working on at the moment.
3. you have $100,000 to spend on friends. how would you spend it? give it all to Chandler Bing. he needs all the help he can get in his fight against Barney Stinson.
4. you have $5000 to spend on your significant other. how do you spend it? our nation is divided. i of course would want the lifetime supply of pancakes from Burger King. cos when you think of pancakes, you think of Burger King. also i really want to eat my meal whilst wearing that Burger King paper crown like they do in the commercial. she inevitably will want the lifetime supply of that new Subway reuben sandwich. i'll give in cos i love her. and i do want to try that reuben. even though i know that however much i think it's gonna be different this time, Subway sandwiches will never taste as good as their commercials would have you believe.
5. what is your favorite waste of time? well i used to be a twitter troll but now...

bonus: tell us about the most mischievous thing you did as a kid. there is a clear line of demarcation in my childhood: before and after i got a cassette of Nirvana's Nevermind. before i was wildly innocent. i thought people stopped making music after Mozart went crazy. y'know they took it as a warning. the first time i listened to Kurt's weary voice and those fuzzy guitars i went mad. i just never conceived that such stuff existed on the earth. before i would get punched. after i was invited to my first junior-high dance. where i proceeded when "Smells Like" came on the loudspeaker to grab the punchbowl, carry it outside the gym, and dump it on the 100m track. no records were being broken at our school. i came back in ready to herald in the era of me being a badass but no one noticed the punchbowl was missing. the bad boys and good girls were too busy making out with each other. without me. i needed a drink...

CLICK HERE FOR TMI TUESDAY


Friday, November 11, 2016

NOT A DAY IN YOUR LIFE


learned:

* *rubs eyes* ................... *rubs eyes again* .................. (trying to stay woke)

* you will gladly lose four fingers for the Empire.

* those are large blocks of chalk. nobody goes to school anymore, they just download the wikipedia app.

* webinars are scams. how are you supposed to run off with your teacher if she's just some voice on the screen? i miss real school affairs.

* to some people, legos and gummi bears are hell.

* R.I.P. Moltar. say a few gravelly Cohen alleluias when you get on your knees tonight.

* today is my first day. today is my last day.

* new boss, same as the................wait this is different.

* can i take this moment to vehement? i just thoroughly hate when my machines don't work. i've had it all my life. all my computers never work, all my cable tvs never work, all my remote controls never work, all my keyboards 327ygrhv eqw3uryt79pjfwo

* but you need hands to waterboard.

* it's the baby from the Massive Attack "Teardrop" video! he's the last human i trust!

* i want Hugh Hefner's hands.....................................................alright maybe not

* your boss is a demon. not to fear. you are a demon.

* you will notice that we serve hot dogs. and that all of our employees' hands have four fingers missing.

* no, continue burning money on the space program. it's our only hope.

* Toucan Sam got ahold of the space weed.

* the cure for depression is to travel to outer space. where you will find the cure for depression.

* there is love in the deep web. but it's so deep it's impossible to find.

* remove your brain and go toward the hole dancing seductively like a woman.

* that's a dog in a human suit. he's kinky like that.

* warm bodies i sense are not machines that can only make money---Live "Pillar of Davidson"

* you would think the shirtless hippie of all people wouldn't waste water.

* ROLLED. FOR PIZZA THE COINS MUST BE ROLLED.

* the tragedy of the pizza-delivery boy: used for his body. not to mention he develops a repulsion for pizza.

* so as this clearly shows Michael Jackson was the man.

* if David Partridge and Jimmy Swaggart had a kid

* you just got Conned.

CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

relax. it's been a week. have some pink-filler hamburgers. go on a long cruise. like to another country or something. before it's too late.