Thursday, March 22, 2018


at the MSNBC Studios next door:

Brian Williams: my Friday nights are forever ruined. my eyes are so dry people think i wear contacts which i don't. when will this teleprompter nightmare end? the point of a cycle is that it's cyclical not a train trip with no ticket. the drums, the drums are in my head, banging away way after the intro. hey Chuck, you searching for a contact lens? you seem short an eyelash.

Chuck Todd: no, thanks, Brian, just putting some extra drops in my eyes.

Brian: get some sleep. you, too, Chris.

Chris Matthews: i'm always searching for that all-encompassing word to start my show. a cast spell. don't call me a moron.

Nikki Haley: i didn't!

Chris: no that was for the Tillerson show.

Nikki: are you sure you're not guilty over something, Chris? something that happened long ago? gnawing at you? in this present age?

Chris: i know what you're gonna say before you say it, that's why i'm so good. i ask the third question along the conversation first so the interviewee doesn't have time to react, i'm already three steps ahead, i already know what you're gonna say for questions one and two.

Nikki: rememeber that time long ago when we decided to just be friends? when i DEMANDED we just be friends?

Chris: i don't remember all my interns.

Nikki: a-ha! yes you do!

Chris: get me out of this, Heilemann, say something cynical.

John Heilemann: not this time, bub. i was hurt when my partner left me. for hurting me.

Chris: do you like mayonnaise? are you the mayor?

Heilemann: what? that's the other John Heilemans.

Chris: those were my two questions. we're out of time oh thank the Irish God on this St. Paddy's Rachel is up next.

Rachel Maddow is done with her show and giddy.

Rachel: i want to give you guys some backstage advice. don't worry it'll be kosher.

Emma, Cameron, and Jaclyn oblige the obliege.

Rachel: don't let anyone push you around, don't listen to anyone! you do what is right, don't let some no-line online hacks bring you down. you tell 'em what that priest told Giuliani when he was running, down in the polls, and looking for some political advice from the pulpit: fuck em. onward and forward-leaning, you'll always have a landing spot at this station.

Emma: thanks Rach. yeah i just hit 'em back on twitter with a funny meme or hilarious Moses post. except for James Woods. i don't find James Woods funny at all.

Rachel: as long as your internal workings as a group are strong, nobody can stand in your way. no internal strife hold it together. you just have to do it and not back down at the last minute cos you got bored. don't dissolve the bond and you don't dissolve the brand. go to work at the office everyday watching The Office.

Emma: good advice, solid, i'll take it to heart. um, Cameron, we need to talk.

Cameron: what's up i haven't seen you in ages i've been on the West Coast westcoastin' it.

Emma: yeah see that's the promise and the problem. i want to break up.

Cameron gives Jaclyn the look and points back and forth at both of them.

Cameron: don't tell me you two are......? that is too predictable.

Emma: well i am a 17-year-old girl. you're never here. and Rachel made me all excited when she got excited treating US as the celebrity.

Cameron: i'm busy spreading the message and the word. and not my legs! to the four corners. this is our message, remember? we still on for prom?

Emma: doesn't prom hit on the same day as the Parade?

Cameron: it's more of a March and no. there are countless proms at the end of the year.

Jaclyn: didn't we all tacitly kinda agree to all go to prom as a group?

Cameron: oh come on! fine, i'll ask Rachel to prom, she's a woman i admire greatly. that's how proms are now, right?

Emma hugs her arms around the prevailing air.

Emma: come on, guys, let's go to McDonald's for some shakes. things will look better in the morning. we need to fuel up for our sabbatical.


at FBI Headquarters Strzok and Page dive deep underground to a smelly room with a poster on the wall that hangs folds like Finn's poster on Adventure Time.

Page, once realizing she is alone with her beau, kisses him passionately. Strzok gracefully removes her crown of the Sword of Saad.

Page transformes back into Dana Scully.

Scully lifts the veil and she sees Fox Mulder in front of her again.

Mulder: i could never turn the page on what we have.

Mulder drops Scully to the ground jujitsu-style. they embrace without kissing, hugging each other's snowcoat. he careeses her blonde hair.

Mulder: what we have is so much more than a romp in the hay. it's eternal. it's caring. it's care. it's love.

Scully closes her eyes and the two lovebirds touch mouths without kissing.

all of the pencils punctured stuck on Mulder's styrofoam ceiling from the four corners drop and fall and land perfectly on Mulder's desk.


at the Library Slash Drama Complex, the stage play is about to be catharted. the stage is filled with books both meant to be read and written on with play lines. Jan Russ, the imperious blonde Australian theatre director, takes the helm and encourages her students. she slaps the floor with her wet dark-brown mile-ruler.

Russ: ladies we must use our imaginations. in the time we have left. no time to be obdurate. it's critical or we're cut cunts. hop to. you there, you, form the stage.

the rest of the team of coven double over and arch their backs to form the mounds of the volcanoes. the lead actresses try their darndest to come up with lines which are really solutions. Jill spits on the girls to mimic the imaginary lava.

Jill: i like her. she's so imprious and impolite i'm impressed! all this spit is strangely erotic.

Sally: nothing's working. wait let me try something: Hoona Igna Chowa Neha. nothing.

Jill: you're a terrible leader. let me try: Infernos! well i tried.

Sally: get some sleep, dear. things will look better in the morning.

Jill and Doryce: thank you. she was talking to me.

Doryce: i'm famished. and i need a lie-down. so does my best friend. anywhere near here?

Jill: go to Gladyce's broom shoppe! it's not far from here by broom. here, take my rustico-baked. from Evol Foods. terrible name for a food company.

Doryce: right? wow this baked-rustico is a trip, it tastes and flakes just like a cruffin. no offense but spending just these three minutes with you alone and i can already tell it's just not the same. you're not nice like Gladyce. let us go to her place.

the place is as quaint as Gladyce's manners. silver and gold brooms hang above the fireplace and lean on the four corners as the exposed-brick room is quietly kilning a pizza and chicken for breakfast.

Doryce: so this is where Gladyce finally works. you've been holding out on me, dear, you've got it made. what does she do with all these brooms?

Jill: sweep.

Doryce leaves Gladyce in the front and locks the door. she retires to the upstairs bed but she can't sleep so she goes for a midnight stroll. on the thatched roof. she has so much quiet time to think up there she starts getting ideas. she can still hear the actresses on stage singing their lines in the distance. she slips and falls upside down on a roof pebble trying to jump whilst on a broom. Gladyce wakes up just in time to stop her from CTE or a leg amputation. tis merely a knee scrape and a bruised egoess.

Doryce: i thought i could do it. guess i'm not one of you after all.

Gladyce: you're better, my dear, so much better. now give me a hug and get thee to a doctor. i mean me to a doctor.

Doryce: there's a doctor here? like a modern doctor?

Gladyce: sure. and a modern waiting room as well. but first we need to give him something to get fired up about. a cause. drop me in the mouth of the volcanoes, dear.

Doryce: *crying* i can't. you're too weak.

Gladyce: you must, love. it's the only way.

Doryce obliges, she gently drops Gladyce into the green slimey oozy lava. Gladyce seems to dissolve in it but she comes up for air after a while. Doryce hugs her friend right and tight. the two sets of small breasts push up against each other. their tits touch.

Gladyce's hair, once black like Doryce's, turns back to blonde.

Wednesday, March 21, 2018



at McDonald's, a roundtable is shaping. Kim sits at the kiddie table rubbing knees with the Chinese President who is at the adult McDonald's table with the serious fern in the back next to President Bump.

Chinese President: i guess you can call me Sun Sultan or something from now on, thought it's weird cos i'm still an atheist and don't claim to get this power from a descendant god or anything.

Bump: we really should try that over here. no more disruptive election cycles and endless news cycles and turnover of people and parties. it would all be so neat and simple, just let me handle it, America, and you go about your day.

Kim: i don't get it. i do exactly what you're doing, Father Chinese President, but i'm made out to be the bad guy, the spoiled out-of-control wayward son. meanwhile you do it and it's somehow all cool and Chinese. i want to be cool like you, my two dads.

Chinese President: it's the suit, son i mean Kim. i wear a suit you wear a Halloween costume. i even wear a suit at McDonald's.

a loud snorting noise crashes the drive-thru. Putin clicks his tongue.

Kim: you making fun of my language and my people?

Putin: wouldn't dream. that's my war rhino trying to find a parking space. i'm just turning the alarm off.

Bump: me, i've finally found the First Pet. hello, folks, pull up a booth.

Putin slaps the hamburger bun on the pattie and smushes down.

Putin: this is not Siberian deermeat. i'll take Caspian deermeat at this point.

Squidward: we serve food here, sir.

Putin: i'm outie. see you in six years.

Bump: wait, Vlad, why do you always keep me on read? it's rude. i try to text you and...

Jared is slumped over a table in a pile of Mini Deal wrappers.

Bump: what are you doing, son? here?

Jared wakes up and the Value Meal wrappers are ketchuped and mustard'd to his face.

Jared: *scrolls his instagram* working on a bitch.

Bump: you look gaunt, sil. speak softly and carry no stick.

Jared: i can't afford to eat anymore.

Bump: have my last two fries, they're the saltiest. let me steal your instagram? i got a RSVP to RS-VIP. et al. after all, i paid for this Parade.

Avenatti: you won't be going anywhere, sir, you'll be tied up in court. i can send a racing car to pick you up.

Bump: oh hello. as i said pull up a McDonald's high-chair. the high-chair is for your lady's tits. though you are quite the natty dresser yourself, sir. see? i can look at other things, take the temperature of the room. i like you. you look like Lex Luthor, a man i admire.

Stormy Daniels: i passed.

Bump: you sure did. and i'm very particular when it comes to affairs. what is a fine woman like yourself doing in a joint like this?

Stormy Daniels: how do you think my tits got this big? it wasn't from fish. there's a steady diet of chocolate milkshakes swimming in these jugs.

Bump: i find if you bread the fuck out of the fish it's easier to swallow down.

Stormy: it's me. Stormy.

Bump: oh now i see. i knew you by a different name. when i was a different name. yeah i see you spread all across the fractured media landcape. but it's a bit much, don't you think? we don't need all the grisly details. there's only so much truth the average American josephine can handle. have my last two fries, i love them both equally, i can't choose.


"madam you're gonna have to do a better job explaining," the border patrolsman indicates scribbling on his pad which erases by shaking it. next to him is a barely-clothed Josh Duhamel in a cabana loincloth.

Doryce: whoa Josh i didn't know you were Cuban i mean cabana. it's quite the tale of woe actually. my friend here see is very sick, she can barely move to breathe. i was sledding her around town but the snows got so bad and bulky, she couldn't control them anymore and let them blow. i negotiated around leavesless tree stems as best i could but soon not even these sticks were registering in the white. i had to sit down and think about things which is not my role on this team but the freeze prevented me from settling into my nice bottom. when who should appear but Joar Leifseth! he was all cute and cuddly in his little mittens but he seemed to be in a rush.

Doryce: can i call you Seth Meyers?

"no," he communicated in his broken English, "if i win this race i finally can have girls. money. a life. it's all very important."

i sat him down on an uncovered stone and explained to him that friends were the most important things in life. i was missing my Bama dreadfully and it had only been a week. and i only knew Bama for a year. i didn't want to think about it harbor on it for i'd start to cry and could never stop crying. that's how much certain people grab ahold of you and spike you down.

Doryce: so, imagine how much i love my girl Gladyce. i've known her for longer than i've known myself.

Joar: i will help you to comfort.

to his credit Joar dropped everything and hugged me. we tried to kiss but i don't know if it was a chapped thing but the kiss didn't feel right.

Josh: were you wearing the Sword of Saad around your head? did you seduce him?

Doryce: no, i kept the Saad crown around Gladyce's head to give her all the energy i had. JUST THEN a huge saddleless war rhino crashed through the snowy atmosphere snapping all the masked tree trunks like twigs. this was Joar's chance to finish the Iditarod in world-record time!

Joar: it's not technically cheating. the rules actually stipulate that you don't have to use wolves. you just can't use drugs. personally i use Koi Wolves.

Doryce: but he decided to stay. he was sweet but it wasn't the same. i sent Bama a care-package of Fruit-Punch Kool-Aid powder to that train i hope he's still on, had a lot of free time. i scratched with my long fingernails a tribute at the butt of the sled.

patrolsman: it reads.............EXTEND-A-HO?

Doryce: little joke to keep spirits up. Gladyce always loved watching those MacDennis cranes fly overhead my house when they would fix my telephone poles constantly i could never get my phone line to work. i of course liked watching the crane operators. Joar gave up dreams to help a little old lady cross the street. the clock struck midnight and his Koi Wolves turned into cats who indignantly licked themselves and walked slowly away from the right coarse and into the woods. Joar lost the race but he learned a more valuable lesson that day, week, and years to come. the cats led him to the Canadian Ukrainians and Alaskan bush people who taught him what family really means.

the patrolsman sticks a tree trunk in his mouth and carves a wooden nailclipper for Doryce with his large stone teeth.

Jill Wine-Banks: he's a living breathing Mene-hune you see. his stone face is literally a god. speaking of godlike faces, i didn't know you had muscles, Josh, you read skinny on the silver screen.

Doryce: right?

Josh transforms into a car but it's not all-wheel drive 4x4 so it can't navigate the rough terrain of this volcanic atmosphere. he is not able to escape from Jill.

the Mene-hune has a frozen face of bewilderment. he puts on a red-and-black chequered Canadian moose hat with two brown flaps, which looks silly on top of his big head.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg: i like the strong silent type, he's like me. i like his blockhead. he can pinch me anytime.

Jill: oh that Ruth. she's not blonde but  keep her around cos she's awesome and the best. you're not using the Sword right. you need to get what you want, what you imagine things to be.

Doryce: what are you doing today?

Jill: i should ask you. what brings you to Halx?

Doryce: no i meant why is everyone wearing orange robes on St. Patrick's Day?

Jill: the fuck you say it's Patricia's Day. and we will wear what we want. ain't that right, ladies? evenflow your empowerment.

the other crones are gathered under the balcony of the Temple of Mars getting ready for their scenes. Sally Quinn checks her book which she needs to hold with both hands.

Doryce: well the signal came from here. we think.

Sally: yes. it seems our Gladyce has a very strong hold on our homeland. it took all of her might to live with you all those years on the West Coast. she seems to be the prophesied one, the stranger who will come and save us all. and by extension save the world.

Doryce: uh, you could have saved us the trip if you knew.

Sally: that's the thing with predictions. until they happen they're wrong.

Doryce: this place looks rough. both meanings.

Sally: it was once as verdant as a virgin spring. but as you can see it's nothing more now than a series of thousands of mini volcanoes pockmarking the landscape. they erupt not violently, they dribble out their lava, but it's green lava, toxic noxious fumes which scatter across the planet. we've gotten used to the smell with our long bumpy noses but the Earthlings haven't, they see the green, they know it comes from us and are none too pleased. they think it black magic but surely they know our smoke is blue. we honestly can't control it or we would have bottled it centuries ago and sold it in our gift shoppes. water doesn't work on it, it's green lava. it's a symptom. Mother Earth is sick, She has one hell of a headcold.

Doryce: cure Gladyce and i'll promise to play with you.

Sally: i don't think she's the sick one, or rather she's taking it all in herself. she in fact is the cure. and this isn't a performance so much as it is a catharsis. see we crones playact our problems. it's a collective community-theatre way for us to express our troubles with each other and the world in a safe envornment. through the play we hope to gain insights we wouldn't have otherwise if we kept it all in.

Doryce: i'll gladly be Gladyce's understudy. i just hope you guys get some good writers on staff.

the two stumble-climb over a row of small volcanoes in the way---volcanoes steadily pumping out slime and ooze and green ash---to get to the proscenium. Katsuko Saruhashi is using the Sword as a curved stick to check the radiation levels of the lava.

Katsuko: it's getting worse. it's like a bomb went off in the world. the Sword of Saad is an invaluable tool of science as well.

Jill: got any hash?

Katsuko: i told you already lady i'm not here for that! that is not the type of green this place needs! stick to your drink.

Jill: are you sure you belong here? you're not blonde.

Katsuko: i've known that painfully well. it means i've earned my way up here to your little cabal. don't be a bad bridge.

Monday, March 19, 2018


1. who was the first person you ever had a crush on? why did you like them? Alicia Silverstone. cos she was in the movie The Crush. that seminal film was important cos it introduced me for the first time to the legend of Cary Elwes. The Princess Bride, The X-Files and everything else followed. leading up to the masterpiece that is Robin Hood: Men in Tights.

2. what is the most important material possession you have and why? dark matter. cos that's where Stephen Hawking is. he lives there now, observing and studying and reporting his findings back to Carl who's off in another dimension getting with the ladies.

3. if you were a cake which cake would you be? the cake from the Cake Episode of Bleach. trust me, watch the Cake Episode of Bleach, make it a date night, it'll be the most fun you have all year.

4. has anything/anyone ever saved your life before? Zantac. the events unfolded exactly as what happens


that blue fireman was, is, and will always be my hero. when i talked about him in session, my therapist took out the crumpled bit of folded paper he had been keeping in his front coatpocket all year, wrote something in the box, signed it, and had me committed.

5. if you could wake up tomorrow having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be? a pound

bonus: do you have a dream you're pursuing? tell us about it. i don't have dreams anymore. i have night terrors. each time the apple watch strikes midnight i stand up like an erect doll in a hot bed sweat screaming at the top of my lungs to the ceiling fan which blithely rotates once every year, "HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP MMMMMMMMMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

my nightmares are full of strange gum. and populated by even stranger people. and they reach conclusions which are far too mindbreaking and horrifying to discuss in any form or forum. i wouldn't know where to begin. the only good which comes from this is i use them as bits and pieces of inspiration for my stories.


Friday, March 16, 2018



* guru: guys before we start, i'm okay with the blind jokes. just treat me like any other Earthling.

* woman in knit cap with blond tufts sticking out: does this map show the Peninsula Trail?
shopkeeper: what, you ask the blind man cos i'm black?
man: isn't that where that senator fucked his Argentine mistress?
guru: let me touch that. wow, a folding map. haven't held one of these since i got GPS installed in my bionic eyes.

* woman: that was creepy how you just unannounced started speaking from the corner.
guru whacks her with his walking stick.
guru: i can't see you but i can already tell you look like some sort of female version of Kurt Cobain. these are the mythic rough Seattle Woods, where lumberjacks and legends are born.

* man: you're making the Jenna Marbles face again.
woman: no it's my Lucy eughhhhh face. i just don't know if we can trust him.
man: his paunch belly indicates he's a beerdrinker. if you can't trust a beerdrinker in this crazy world...

* guru destroys the taillight of the Subaru with his walking stick.
guru: cheap-ass car.

* woman: what's in the back of your hay truck there?
guru: my axe i mean my dog Sir Ray Charles.

* guru: you hungry?
woman: well i am eating for two.
man: what what? we haven't fucked yet this is our second date.

* the trio inhale their food deeply.
black patron next to them: crazy white folk.
Flo: are you gonna eat those grits i prepared for you? i kissed them myself.
guru: no thank you, ma'am, we came here just to smell the salty air.
man: hey are you Flo from Progressive?
Flo: *a coffee pot in each hand* no i'm Flo from Mel's Diner. damn millennials.

* guru: feel the wind?
guru falls off the cliff.
woman: fuck.
guru flies up five minutes later.
guru: when one sense is lost, the rest of the senses heighten. i can fly.

* guru: if you listen closely you can hear the Purrgil.
man: thank you i'm gonna need Purell now that i just found out my girlfriend is cheating on me. i thought i could stop masturbating for a while.
woman: i miss Star Wars Rebels already. it's easily my favorite show. i loved how Hera became a strong single mother at the end.
guru: i didn't like how Kanan regained his sight just before he died. blindness is not a disease to be cured.
man: i wonder what Pablo Hidalgo is doing right now. let's detour to his office and find out. ROAD TRIP!

* guru: this is my favorite part of the forest.
woman: where you're gonna kill us?
guru: Harry Potter learned his first spell right at this spot.
man trips over a blocking branch.
guru: how am i the blind one and you trip over the branch? idiot.
woman: you have such mesmerizing eyes.
guru: thank you. grab ahold of my shoulder and i'll guide you.
woman: humans aren't allowed to touch each other anymore.

* guru: just shut up and the owls fucking.

* guru laughs.
Hedwig poos on the couple's heads.
woman: come on, man, that was my best beanie.
man: i'm Desmond from Lost.
guru: i'm Hagrid. the roles kinda dried up. i'm not exactly the size of a leading man. i got a pet owl and lived in the woods. i like to watch, but the owl didn't like me watching him mate. the owl pooed in my eyes and the rest is history.


happy weekend, my babies. my Brackets are already busted. i chose Providence cos they have a kick-ass ninja for a logo...

Thursday, March 15, 2018


Doryce: yeah yeah right, raves. thet's where the hunks are, raves.

Gladyce: sore subject?

Doryce: they always got me sore. the spinning mauveine disco lights got me dizzy without my glasses on.

Gladyce: got your map? anything jotable?

Doryce: bubble map i mean i got my bubble mask on. it's coming down now. mix in a water, snow. turn and test. let's see, which way? mercy. here comes a train.

the distinguished ladies have reached the other end, with the same monster from the front entrance. the train peels in through the tongue. Bama is squashed like a bug on the windshield of the lead car, his lips kissing the metal, his face part of the paint job.

Doryce: hi Bama!

Gladyce waves her last finger on her hand. she manages to crush the sleeper car like an aluminum Coke can and fashions a carve to form it into a makeshift sled with no blades. it's thin enough if a little light.

Gladyce: mush.

Doryce: no it's an alright build all things considered.

Gladyce: *softly* we did not want to be on that train. that train does not stop. i chose the sleeper car cos no one sleeps aboard that train. they are too busy standing up contemplating their existence forever. it becomes more cruel the more you think about it and the more you ride it.

Doryce: luckily our boy Bama is on the outside riding it. i'm sure once he wakes up he'll crawl into the window of the dining car and have his fill.

Doryce is noticing. Gladyce stills breathes lowly. her lung function is faint. her heart is sleeping. she does not move.



Kim Jong-un crashes his golf cart into the William Sisters' tennis cart in the middle of the desert where he's hiding.

Venus Williams: what's the big deal? why are all these drones in my face? why do the stoic stalkerbots not recognizie me and treat me like some ghost they've seen for the frst time and must analyze? what's with the media attention? i have played my sister before.

Kim: i'm just here blending into Indian Wells high society. you drink a lot of water here? um, can you direct me to the Party? i'm late.



Doryce: Maersk Island in the offing! we must be getting warmer...................Sahara Sun on my far left!...............................i know what you're thinking, the suntanning bed or the real thing?...........................i see another stage, this one with Stone books. great, just what we need, more drama.

the hags of heft are are stopped by border patrol. one of the agents has a Menehune for a face which talks. the other agent looks like Josh Duhamel. Doryce smiles sheepishly for the both of them.

Menehune: ma'am we're gonna have to confiscate your things and your persons. what were you doing in this fright at night?

Doryce: seeing things.

Menehune: ma'am just what is going on? what do you have to declare? what nefariousness were you planning? why do you and your sister here have fingernails as long as Jack In The Box curly fries? and what is that strange spell scribbled in carving at the back of your red sled?


Gladyce: the McDonald's M is turned upside-down. you know what that means, right? they're practically beckoning for us to come in. this is the perfect place for us to denizen. McDonald's was tailor-made for old people. egg mcmuffins and tiny sweaty orange juice cups at 5AM.

Doryce: don't think about food, it's a fad. this obviously isn't the place. we'll get there. think about all the things we'll do together when we get home. think about the brunch festivals.

Gladyce: the Atlanta one?

Doryce: any brunch festival. we're like digital nomads except we don't get paid.

Gladyce: technomad. you techno mad? all the money these days is in typing, not swimming.

at the State Dinner next to the McDonald's, Putin is holding a reception with contact staff. Papa John is seated down forcefully by Nikki Haley who undoes his ropes behind a locked closet door with one naked light bulb up top on a string.

Nikki: spill.

Papa John: i hate football, and now i hate the other football which is something i never saw coming. after the protests and all the national-anthem disappearings i lost a lot of business. i had to look for work overseas. so i came here to this Russian tv gig. let me tell ya it was not at all what i envisioned. i mean i had to serve Jill Stein. humiliation upon humiliation it was JILL STEIN! i..........just couldn't do was too disgusting.

Jill Stein: *overhearing* not as disgusting as your pizza. i only eat real pizza from Italy.

Papa John: you see? before she could mouth the word organic i flung my silver pizza tray at her. she was able to catch it midflight by moving the silver pizza tray on her head and shooting it back at my head in a silver glow blast. like a sterling-silver stein. it missed cos i'm that short.

Nikki: that was the Sword of Saad, dummy.

Papa John: what is that?

Nikki: something you would never understand. how did you two fare? was the intel good?

Strzok and Page enter the closet and lock the door behind them.

Nikki: got 'im?

Papa John: yeah! got that SOB?

Nikki: not you, foo'

Page wears a derby and chomps on a diner straw. Strzok is jacketless and chews on a café straw.

the agents put their straws into the mouths of Papa John and Nikki, closing their lower jaws for them.

Page: no straws for us, we respect the environment. we sure did! Mueller is strung up like a stuck pig! as the centerpiece on Putin's table! on a silver pizza platter. he's even got a Russian apple in his mouth. which is no apple.

Nikki: need extra rope? i got some.

Page quickly removes the Sword of Saad from off Nikki's crown and places it on top of her own head through her bushy hair.

Nikki: i swear i saw Muller out there. he had a potato in his mouth.

but the vision vanishes into thick air and all Nikki sees at the table now is a sack of potatoes. she then is wearing an apron and buns and preparing the boiled pot potatoes in a large cylindrical titanium pot which doesn't shine. over low blue heat. serving them with a ladle to her yellow-checkered-board atomical family with a '50s smile.

Page: *motioning to her partner* come on, let's get out of here.

Papa John: *squirming* hey! what about me?!

Wednesday, March 14, 2018


Doryce: we'll be there before you know it.

Gladyce: that's supposed to be my line. i'm glad you're taking the reigns, girl.

the two old trotters mangle their way through unmarked leaf roads and village speed limit signs. Doryce is noticing the old gal doesn't speak much anymore, her eyes droop, her breath labors under her lined neck quietly, but her throat still swallows. she's using her last drop to carry them over the hump. and not make a mess doing it.

Doryce for her part continues holding onto her friend on her back, arms swaying and interlocking.

Doryce: don't look at the ground, dear, look up at the stars. be curious. when morale is low we must look at each other and trudge on, for there is no cheating the universe. want some Silver Horse grapes?

Bama: i could eat a horse thank you. hey i'm doing my application online on my watch. what's the opposite of "catch"? like you know "that's the catch".

Doryce: it's not baseball, dear.

Gladyce: *wearily* silver lining.

Doryce: oh yeah, i can see that, that works. rest your lungs, homegirl, we're in the stretch drag. now i see what you were alerting me, too, clever girl. the grass is green despite the bonechilling blizzard on the horizon. you're clearing a path for us with your massive gait, opening a gate. hopefully it's not gout.

the party reaches Bomarzo and all that entails. the secret gardens and stone mummified fixtures of foxes and other creatures dot the landcape with gothic intrigue and muddled mystery, framing a fierce freedom that's not easily felled by vines. the Renaissance carvings on stone bespoil a latent history which awakens Doryce's heart and mind, she sees these giant runes as something more, something more ancient which connects the valleys of her soul.

Dorcye: this place would be spooky at night. but art is always art. what you reckon, major?

Bama: i can't look at a statue anymore unless it's of me breaking the record. all i see are many individual final exams in art-history class. they all start to look like Olmec, i miss that show.

Doryce: you've broken all the records in my book, love, all the ones which matter.

the landing party lands on top of the entrance goblin, a ghoulish-looking monster with his stone tongue out like an Aztec punker. they realize his teeth are closed.

Stan Lee: i'm not the janitor. this is not another cameo. i'm here because my life has been rough. where's my nurse?
Agnes: i'm not your nurse!

Bama: whoa! look over there, miss! a naked man and another man making love. that's the symbolism anyway. the one man is on the ground being held by the feet in the shape of an actual plow!

the teeth open up. a train jams by on invisible tracks of air. Bama of course on animal instinct tries to stop it with his bare hands. before he can turn around and get a good grip of the front lights the train has barreled him into the oblivion of oblivious thin air.

Doryce: darling! that gets you every time when it shouldn't. it would have gotten me as a naif waif, too, but i've since learned being a young naïve nympho. now i turn to the left. you should have turned to the left and seen that big turtle.

Josh Duhamel climbs out of the teeth. wearing Arab swag.

Josh Duhamel: what happened? miracle! milagro! it was dark here. the air is thin. it had been snowing horribly nonstop endless for weeks. i was about to close for the period, no students mean no Arab swag bags. it was scaring my small son. well okay me. you saved the tourist trap i mean national monument! these are not just a pile of rocks.

Doryce: *sighs heavily* i don't have time for an explanation. oh we know all about rocks, boys. now help me with her, hunk.

Doryce: it's not much warmer in here. but it's greener.

Josh: the least i can do is free you. as in free tickets for the grounds. and this McDonald's coupon. the only other person i offered this to was the Emirati man of mystery.

Doryce: that's depressing. that's the first thing i saw when we entered, the McDonald's in the corner. with a parking lot and everything tearing into the lush jungle landscape. and no yellow.

Josh: i always just have my real pizza.

Gladyce: *meekly* oh there's a sight for sore eyes! Jane O'Brien from BBC America practing hr axe-throwing on that poor log of a tree trunk.

Doryce: we always took for for a lamb lass, love. you seem so calm and collected reading the news.

Jane O'Brien: if i didn't do this axe-throwing, i'd use the axe elsewhere. John Oliver isn't enough. i have a lot of internal problems underneath my librarian demeanor which don't read on tv.

Gladyce: you gotta fight like an ex-secretary, dear. and join us when your training is complete.

Jane: life is one big acting clinic.

the Worcester Hills approacheth which means there is one last turn. into the McDonald's. or you could try the drive-thru?

Doryce: blegh. might as wll be a blocking sanitary truck.

Gladyce: Josh, you know why Fergie hackjobbed the national anthem on tv, right? it was to get your attention. i mean she's normally a good singer, right?

Doryce smiles and rubs Josh's nose.

Doryce: a woman knows. no matter how old we get, we're still women.

at McDonald's Emma Gonzalez is making up with her former beau, as kids do.

Emma: it was always you, baby! that Red Gerard was just a fling thing! everyone bags a ginger once in their lives it's part of growing up. i got Olympic fever but like all diseases it was gone after two weeks! a mere flu.

President Bump enters the establishment under heavy guard, well just the Hamburglar whose prison stripes Bump mistakes for a European uniform. Putin enters shortly after down the back way.

Putin: Forager Project you say? sounds like the Cuban Missile Crisis which was a disaster. botched on our end.

Bump: the best nuts i've ever tasted. malty. hey why did they change the Chicken & Stars? the old shape of my youth was better, the closed stars not the open stars.

Putin behind the counter in a paper hat: sorry, sir, we don't serve that here. we only fill up sippy cups with Fountain Coke. mcnuggets. mcnuggets? what a silly name. how can you americans eat a silly thing called mcnuggets, i mean think about it.

Bump: hi kids, hey kids, hey there. Santa brought gifts, check inside my Happy Meal paper house. unfasten the upside-down Ms which look like Ws. from EB. Emirati Boutique. got all the latest titles. Dead Terrain, Mortal Kombat, ooh i heard Mortal Kombat made a character out of me, i love any appearance of me in the media. don't worry, i don't jack off to the ninja ladies in the game that would be weird.

Emma: Ms. Pac-Man?

Bump swipes her hand.

Bump: NOT that one! that one's very dangerous, poisons the mind, teaches some corrosive lessons.

Emma: you've already lost us forever. for a generation.

Bump: nonsense, you'll get your cars back. i had to move them for the Qatari blockade you don't mind. replaced your Jeep Rubicons with Jeff Jeeps, gave them away to Jeff Goldblum. now you'll have space to enjoy the stars under the Malvern Hills it will be quite the concultural event, i'll be there with you.

Bump attaches a McDonald's birthday hat of Grimaces all around to Putin's face. the daze in Putin's face is matched only with its stun when the little tight string of the hat snaps into place under Putin's chin causing the offworld leader to smile like a dolt.

Putin: this was your Presidential Banquet for me? i hope you liked your stay at the Kremlin.

Bump: oh yes. there is no beauty quite like Russian beauty. it's like hot and cold at the same time. i met my next five wives at that party.

Putin: those women were all me.

Bump chews all the ice in his cup with crushing speed.

Bump: look at all the marker molecules in the fizz of this Coke. it's all yellow to me. this isn't the new Coke alcohol is it?

Putin: not yet. do you realize you burp all the time and not even notice it? i was told the Spice Girls would be here. that's their codenames anyway. i want to show the Girls my invincible missile.

Bump: hey i came in here cos i saw the W sign out front. where's Wendy? she's the only ginger i ever wanted to fuck besides my red handball ball. how did you turn the yellow M around in such short a time? must have taken herculean labor and manpower.

Putin: i have a lot of little men.

Monday, March 12, 2018


1. do you have a special place you like to have sex regularly? a church. if the church is closed, i find a supermarket. the supermarket's always open.

2. what's the hardest thing you've ever done? the scariest? my penis. writing again seriously after 20 years, a layoff hiatus not of my own choosing, a period of time in my life when i was alternating between clouded confusion and foggy fire, i was thinking i was either gonna die or go crazy or both. like that new Soderbergh Unsane. Soderbergh introduced me to Sasha Grey, well really did. legend has it that at the premiere screening of sex, lies, and videotape at Sundance in the frozen seats Clint Eastwood stood up in the middle and declared, "THIS is the kind of nuanced indie shit i should be directing and starring in! this is the new age of subtle filmmaking!" y'know just having something to do regularly is a small leap forward toward bracing for betterment and the sane use of butter again.

3. are you annoying? TYPE IN MY NAME HERE AND CHECK

4. a person whom you've had "the hots" for for a very long time tells you they are super-attracted to you. you spend a few hours together and the sexual attraction is overwhelming. you are dying to have this person as your lover. at the moment you are highly aroused, and he/she wants to have sex with you in a church. would you do it?

this happened to me like it was yesternight. it's funny cos when i told him i had the hots for him, he just smiled at me devilishly. we spent the prayer time dusting off our knees, getting our knees into position, and picking out the waxiest candles. i used the purple altar-boy sash, he used his cleft toe. i showed him a particularly cute candle in a glass of the painted cross, he said my candle was wack. when i told him a church is a sacred place and shouldn't be defiled so, he just smiled at me devilishly.

have i told you about the time i had the hots for Satan?...

5. while in the middle of the best lovemaking of your life, if your lover asked you to squeal like a dolphin, would you? CLICK HERE, RIGHT HERE AT THIS LINK

sorry i read that as sequel like a dolphin. only if she has a dolphin-safe tuna.

bonus: are you good in bed? CLICK HERE AND CHECK THE LYRICS


links-o-rama this week

Friday, March 9, 2018



* is there really a choice?

* ironically, Kyrie has his own Nike commercial out at the same time. full of postapocalyptic amusement-ride whirlybirds, Clockwork Orange skateboarders on halfpipes, and the Boston Philharmonic.

* NASA sent out a new weather satellite into space. you know what that means. more Maria LaRosa!!!

* Japanese businessman: this isn't coffee, it's tea. look! that's where all the anime gets made.

* but when's Metalocalypse coming back?

* if you clutch your pearls too hard, you'll choke

* soccerer: great, now one side will always have the advantage of shade.
goalie: i have a built-in excuse. i can't see a thing.

* "top story of the day: traffic in L.A./ but at least the highway looks like a pretzel. and those red cars look like Hot Tamales. oh, i see, this is the line for Black Panther."

* axis? so you're telling me there's a giant silver rod through the center of the Earth skewering it like a kebab? where is it? i don't see it.

* is that Sandrine Holt? i swear she gets in everything.

* oh no wait, it's the girl from LazyTown! that's perfect casting.

* reporter: we were still able to generate enough energy to bring you this report. thank you, China.

* hamster in hamster wheel: life is absurd.
Camus: you were the original Sisyphus.

* leader of the pack: let's go!
kids: follow the white woman. the woman wearing white.

* ginger on smartphone: *typing* let's go!!! wait, none of my followers are runners.

* Kenyan father: i am disappointed in you, son. you are a scholar while the rest of your brothers are training in the reeds to achieve Olympic gold medals. swift like cheetahs, we are the lions of long-distance. it's the Gohan/Goku thing all over again.

* Bill Nye: what happened to my popularity? i used to be the cool underground indie guy in the '90s who would spout off a few lesser-known fun facts inbetween hits of my drums. i was in a drum-circle band in university. slumming it on Matthew McConaughey's ratty couch. i'm using this tissue to protect my fingers. why does everyone hate me now?
science reporter: i'm supposed to be more the ethnic Bill Nye than Neil deGrasse Tyson.

* get in the way of a gaggle of colorfully-dressed women in gold tennis shoes on their way to an Indian wedding at your own peril

* that girl was so fast she lit all the lanterns with her love. i know it's the Red Light District but it still counts as love.

* leader of the pack: ooooh, are those Redbottom Nikes? a girl's gotta look good when she saves the world.

* Kevin Hart: i got so much material from this for Kyrie at the All-Star Game.

* Odell Beckham: don't need an uber i came in a Bigfoot i mean a Sasquatch brought me. Jack Link's.
director: cut, let's try it again.

* Bill Nye: i've literally never run before in my life. guys, my legs are starting to feel like jelly. i never thought this was scientifically or humanly possible but i'm about to spontaneously combust.

* Simone Biles: this is the longest runway to a vault i've ever done.

* Greek Freak: the people back home think you American bullies are mocking me with your nickname of me. but i tell them i'm a jock not an outcast and it's not a sex thing.
Archer: oh it's a sex thing.

* Kobe: my next project is gonna be this Paul Thomas Anderson thing in which i play this peach farmer who invents basketball...

* reporter: excuse my sunken eyes, it's been a rough night that never turns to day.

* Olivia Munn: hi, i'm Olivia Munn. my dog pooed! but anyway i used to be a quarterback's mistress but it was weird cos i was taller than him. i really wish that sex fantasy i texted hadn't leaked online, i'd be doing exactly that to Chris Pine right now in private. Snowden was right.

* reporter: this just in. the world is meant to spin back and forth as if grooving to God's beat.

* wait, if the universe is flat.........................................then..................................

* hamster in hamster wheel: i mean energy. yeah. foot energy.
Camus: remember that night it rained boulders?


happy weekend, my babies. there's a lot going on you have to keep level. focus on what matters. i want you to take out your phone for me. i want you to turn on your Shamrock-Shake locator...