Ghislaine Maxwell lowers her head into her white paper bag as the photogs descend and converge onto her back like flashing vultures.
Emma from Jeopardy: you're a bad woman!
Sinphony and Velvetta give her the Italian freda curse sign with their python-head fingers.
Chris Cuomo: i mean the word is Fredo. it's really not so big a deal. like friendo. or Fredo Rogers.
Sinphony: you will pay a million lifetimes in Hell! believe me i know Hell!
Velvetta: how could you have associated yourself with Codrus like that!?
Ghislaine: *meekly* hey i just partied with the guy. the reports of my ballbusting have been greatly exaggerated. i had no idea. i thought those were hair appointments. okay nail appointments. but not that kind of nails. have you tried the hot cocoa here? it's wonderful.
Vanity Fair blonde in a British/Australian accent: when we come to In N Out Burger, we expect coffee! and tawk! and spilling of guts! not onto the burger! that's not the secret wild-style Californian salad-pink sauce!
President Bump: i am The Son of Codrus, why don't you ask him yourself.
Emma: Ghislaine, such a lilting gaelic magical-fairy name! for such an old ogre-tree of a witch! an evil witch! one who belongs in gaol! it's one thing to be a pimp, but to be a pimpess?! for shame!
Ghislaine: okay get this girl a Maxwell coffee, something's wrong with her throat. i mean seriously, what is UP with your voice? it's the strangest voice i've ever heard in any living being of existence, including flowers. it's like a medical condition but you claim you're normal. it's like those girls who baby-voice to get laid and then forget how to speak normally again. it's like you swallowed battery acid. it's like your tongue is trolling you. your voice is slightly demonic in a sweet way. what i'm saying is YOU SOUND LIKE A REAL TREE SPRITE.
Emma: what i'm saying, madam, is I SHOULD HAVE THE NAME GHISLAINE!!! I EARNED IT!!! yes, hello, one Sprite, please.
at Obec College University, the Professor grows impatient with Dirg's raised hand:
Professor: go ahead, you mongrel.
Dirg: see that In N Out picture? that's deepfake.
at the Cave, President Bump is building a coalition:
Putin: where is this cave located again?
Bump: Greenland. which should be called Denmarkland. it's nice and cool in this cave, right? away from the heat. you know what is the leading factor of young white boys going crazy? the stifling heat of summer. people go crazy in the heat. it's not thinking ideas, it's the sun giving us too many video games and the sun is mental health. imma install a jacuzzi on the Cream House front lawn with just cold air-bubble jets. and a pelican. penguin. standee.
Putin: and there's nothing to do in summer vacation, boys get in a lot of trouble. and your best friend gets shipped off to a labor camp which messes you up for life.
Llywarch: what the fuck Putin. what was with that lawyerly Instagram notification?
Putin: hey that wasn't me. Instagram owns all the photos from everyone in the world, we use them purely for research not invasion, for our imminent invasion. all the countries. as the smart people liberal-elite college-prep college people know that was just an Instagram hoax we put out there to have some fun, to break the Greenland ice.
Bump: it's an old canard.
Putin smiles deceptively deviously.
Putin: the real hoax...is that it's not a hoax...
Linzess woman: are you crazy cos the Denmark woman who turned down your indecent-proposal proposition is a woman? cos she's a woman.
Bump: no it has nothing to do with that, not at all. what do you take me for? a man? my only concern is that she's not a golfer, you know? me and Tiger, we're different, only certain people can understand us. it takes a golfer to know a golfer. Greenland is full of golf greens. and it's the perfect crucial pivotal place spot to launch my Green New Deal.
Putin: you know Greenland is mostly ice, right? it's fertile ground to grow maraschino cherries. and for cutting black holes with saws.
Bump: that was my favorite cartoon.
Linzess woman: you know Greenland isn't as big as it looks like on globes, right? it's more the size of New Jersey, just ask Maria LaRosa.
Bump: no, she turned me down. yeah true, all globes are globalist fake news, should be flat maps.
Linzess woman: but not Mercator maps.
Bump: look, to show i have no hard feelings for this nasty woman, i'll call her right now.
a black hand in a black arm in a black suit answers the phone on the other end.
Janet Jackson: yes, you're speaking to the Queen of Greenland. yes i know you can see my smile through the phone. Greenland is autonomous you know.
Bump: yes, like i want America to be, autocratic i mean autonomous.
Laertus gets up out of his seat to address the auditorium:
Laertus: do i need to start over? the world is cracking and this ain't no earthquake. all the good souls have left us. all the good celebrities are dead. all the good rock stars went bye bye. all the reactionary writers are reading requiescat in pace recessionals. black writers weren't black enough or too real and were shunned from their communities. whom do we turn to now? why i was taken affright aback just this morning when i saw Tom Morello in a red hat...till i saw the words MAKE AMERICA RAGE AGAIN on the lip. who is our moral compass? who can speak the revolutionary words which will return us to normalcy?
Professor: ladies and gentlemen, our guest speaker for the evening, Ms. Marianne Williamson.
polite smattering applause.
Marianne: thank you, i love college campuses, education is not brainwashing. i don't have a college degree so i'm more "of the people", i'm real, i'm one of you. i'm here to provide you an alternative. alternative medicine.
Russell Brand in the audience: *hooping and hollering, hair flitting around everywhere* you go, babe! WHOOO!!!
Marianne: *red-faced* shit, now i'm off-track. set. fuck. thanks, babe. damn. what was i talking about again? the game? this ain't no game. this is about depression, the one disease mankind has never cured.
Tyzik: depression means different things to different people. so now i will coalition all these into the true definition. please, attack me where i'm wrong, woman. depression is like when you get up at 5AM at the crack cos you need to catch a flight. your internal clock is off the rest of the day. you're just always tired no matter what you do. you're just not quite right, off by a few centimeters. your body clock is screwed on at a slight angle, you can see the light at the end of the runway offing, but you can't quite reach it. you wish you felt sad, because what you really feel is nothing. there's a numbing, a deadening inside you. so what do you do? you go to sleep early the next night, right? to regain and recoup what you've missed. except no matter how much sleep you get, you can't quite ever get "back to normal" when it comes to your sleep, your feelings, and your life. it's like there's this chunk of time in the ether, this chunk of clouds you'll never get back.
Marianne: exactly. in my case, i slept too much. why? cos i didn't have a boyfriend to wake up next to in silk sheets like Brandy. we drink brandy under the covers that's our little inside joke. i had nothing to live for.
Marianne's daughter in the audience wearing bermuda shorts: thanks, mom.
Marianne: but now i do: running for Woman President.
Russell Brand: *slumping back in his seat and pouting with those big lips of his* thanks, mom.
Marianne: i'll bottom-line it for you like i do at my yoga retreats in Colorado Hot Springs: don't pierce your body with any needle unless it's a tattoo or henna needle. don't sniff up anything into your nose unless it's the fresh air of Nature outside. we'll see you soon, we're gonna be okay, folks, i can feel it...…...tho admittedly this Higher Consciousness is taking Its sweet time breaking...
Emma: miss, can you show me how to modulate my voice? i want to still sound weird like you but not THAT weird.
Eye Lugage: while we have you, ma'am, let's do commercial roundup.
Professor: wait you have your podcast setup right here on your desk in the auditorium? where there are just seats and my desk? no wonder my scantrons are buggy and my slide-projector has been haywire and i can't hear myself think nor project lo these many months.
Eye: what did you think of the Coors commercial, heroine?
Marianne: LOVE IT. that's a woman! taking off her bra like that under her blouse after a hard day's work and journey into night! i am so glad and impressed Coors actually SHOWED that! you don't see Elaine Benes doing such things on commercial tv.
Dirg: thought it was disgusting, cover up woman, have some decency.
Marianne: thought it tit? this is what real women do. when i become President, i'm gonna take my bra off at every press conference, that'll make the press corps ease and they'll ask more breezy questions. picture everyone in the audience not wearing a bra.
Eye: tennis roundup. Mr. Fed.
Federer gets up to no applause. nobody has noticed him.
Federer: not the FBI, this isn't an ICE raid, hehe...…...*looks at notes* that was menat to be the ice-breaker. anyway, i don't want to talk about it. i want to TAKL it. it's not TACKLE, it's TALK weird. no more Wimbledon for me, okay? i hate that tournament. so now we have the Bronx Open, a New York tennis tournament that's not the U.S. Open. why?
Dirg: women. Carlos Ramos won't be doing Serena's matches anymore, that's sexist.
Fed: and that's it for me, folks, those were the jokes. i'm out of material.
at the Ansonia Hotel in New York to watch the Bronx Open, the crones are settling in:
Gladyce: can you believe all this glitz and glamor and ridged waffled-French-toast-flat-pancake Greek marble architecture that comes solely from Happy Days money?
Doryce: look at this spread, honey! i mean our palatial room not my spread legs. i'm so glad Fuerza lifted the ban on us! did you see her this afternoon!?
Gladyce: sure did. she made bocce fun again by dancing on the bowling lane!
Doryce: and putting all the bocce balls in her mouth, that's my kind of god! laughing is praying. want some ice cream? it's too hot to play tennis!
Gladyce goes for the drawer and rips it open at the seams.
Gladyce: oh dear. i don't seem to know my own strength. it landed on my head and i didn't even feel it. either i am stronger than i realized or i'm hiding the fact psychologically that i don't much like myself.
Doryce: it's alright, babe. just put some clear tape on the cabinet drawer to let the Mexicans know not to bother with it. don't fuck wit it. now we have a dilemma. i was gonna make the soup for us but the soup mix is behind where the drawer is. can't reach it. gotta wait for a man to come and fix the drawer.
Gladyce: right...…...so how's Bama these days?
Doryce: see, men are good for society. now we can't eat so we'll get skinnier from this.
Eye: 9 to 5, go.
Laertus: you mean the film that made Dolly Parton a star?
Dirg: her tits ayway. and made Sheena Easton irrelevant. pity, any song about a train is bound to be good.
Laertus: can we dispense with the Jane Fonda hate at the plate and concede she's a damn good actress?
Eye: up to bat, yes.
Dirg: Peter Fonda got the shaft. he was a more talented actor but she stole all his parts. and you know what twitter does to people...
Eye: this was originally meant to be a serious examination of the women's lib movement, not a comedy. or a black comedy.
Dirg: would have been funnier. black-latex comedy. Dabney Coleman, what a raw deal. that's gotta be the hardest part any actor has ever played. he is essentially the Symbol Of All Men.
Laertus: Dabney? what kind of name is that? not more uncool white guys tryna get down with the brothas, i can't take it anymore. i gotta admit, not having seen the film but hearing of it, i was NOT prepared for when it does the crazy 180 and goes down the rabbit hole into those animated and acid-fueled dream sequences! i mean Bakshi is rolling in his grave!
Dirg: MD-fueled. animated rabbit hole, still waiting for the Uncle Wiggily show. Ralph should have done those sequences, he was born for them! that'll show Disney i mean Star Wars. fractured fairy tales i believe they call them.
Eye: except Dolly should have been the one with the gun in the horror sequence. i love when Dolly is the HBIC in the next sequence, turning the tables on the boss, except she should have dragged him by the cock.
Dirg: and drug him with her lady drugs. you just love her tits. i'll never drink coffee again, how would you ever know if it's sugar or rat poison? everything's white. i have a lot of female enemies. is it true that they were gonna put Sweet N Low on the box but the sponsor backed out at the last minute? typical.
Eye: they were gonna put Roundup on the other box. there are only two things which come in yellow boxes: sugar and rat poison. RAT poison, get it?
Dirg: just proves women can't drive. and there's an inherent Geraldo bias with that Jimmy Hoffa comment. ladies, come to me next time, i know how to dispose of a dead body. and that's very unrealistic for the '70s: the teenager trying it for the first time would most likely get the marijuana from his mom, if Weeds has taught us anything. Weeds should have been on Wednesdays. none of this would have happened if these women played football in high school. life would be better if men ruled the world.
Laertus: you're the one playing yourself, bro.
Eye: OMG it was so ADORBS when Dolly tells her husband heartedly "it hurts my feelings" in her innocent southern country twang. i've never seen that phrase used in media so genuinely, it's always scoffed at. she can't help it if she's hot and the other ladies are jealous.
Laertus: what's up with Dolly's husband in this? i wanted to know more of his backstory. he doesn't seem to get involved, he's not there punching Dabney in the nose. HE's supposedly the country-music star: sexist. and typical.
Eye: take it from me, i can attest, never work in a factory 1984 open office like that. or for a boss whose office has shag carpeting.
Dirg: i feel sorry for him. he had his window shot out and nothing happened! he had to pay for the doctor in Obama socialized medicine! he was in love with Dolly, genuinely in love with her! a man can't help who he loves! besides, his wife was dumb as rocks. and wore that fur terribly. that Last Shot widening out from the square office building was stolen from Working Girl.
Eye: nah, she was just in it to drain his bank account and take as many trips as she could. smart girl. good girl. and his female spy just REALLY wanted to learn French and took the hard way. remember, there was no French In Action yet, no Mireille for all us dames to gaze at.
Eye: i WILL eat M&Ms from now on cos of this. green ones.
Laertus: i mean the S&M stuff comes as a shock. all the chains and rubber masks and whatnot.
Dirg: none of this would have happened if Dolly simply fucked the man. how did the eating schedule go exactly anyway? how did that work for months? he had 3 opportunities to escape every day, all failed? what kind of bizarre conversations did he have with these women every day? how's the weather? do they play Mouse Trap? he should have just refused to eat and go out the Epstein way.
Eye: i love how the Cowboy Savior Boss is willing to compromise EXCEPT on that pesky messy equal-pay thing, Megan Rapinoe on line one...
Laertus: that guy was The Dude before The Dude. i still have that exact problem with my home printer, can't print a damn thing. honestly i'd rather have it 10 to 6, colder weather is more conducive to good work output. and what was with that weird neon lighting in the daycare center? agent orange shit testing going on there.
Eye: why are the end credits Hot Shots Part Deux? that's all for now, folks, till next time.
the three meet up outside by the glass front door three minutes later.
Eye: next time.
Laertus: you sure about this? we need to be studying.
the three get into the car, the only car in the parking lot, twinkling in the hot night air. Dirg puts on the air conditioning by rolling down all the windows. all three shirts instantly stick to the seat padding.
Dirg: o fuck no! look at this dice! it's so hot all the fuzz has come off! are you kidding me with this schedule? the last two weeks of August are the worst, nothing's happening, nobody's around, you mean to tell me you have to start a new school, new classmates, new levels, you're a foreigner in a foreign land and on top of all that you have to do the introductions in THIS heat!!? sweltering my swag. that all combines into a melting-pot bowl of a recipe for disaster. it just amplifies and cooks the anxiety. this heat is school-shooter weather.
Dirg screeches around four corners and wrecks the neighborhood. not to mention all four tires.
Dirg: i'd slow down but there's no brake on this thing, it's a classic. see? the brake has a bra on it.
Laertus: why are you putting on a Dabney Coleman mustache on your lips with glue? to see better?
Dirg: he's my lamp. but it's a Steve McQueen mustache. look at this baby, huh!?
Eye: i'm staying in the backseat in this long bed here to keep an eye on you two boys in the front. how did anyone give you a license for anything? the insurance must be through the roof.
Dirg: i can make this a sunroof with one swipe of my leather knife. nah, it's already a leather roof and that's cool enough. my old stupid man's. it's dusty green and beige, Pinto, NOT the bean! i stole it from under his big nose, my dad is so dumb, he sleeps at night. Jack In The Box?
Laertus: uh...In N Out...uh...okay, whatever, Jack, you're driving.
Dirg: this is the life we've always dreamed about, right Larry? we're FREE! we're gonna go through the drivethru in this stylish puppy, order a Jumbo Mountain Dew, drive to Fedco---that hill is no problem to drive over---and get the newest raddest video game: Dance Dance Revolution With Guns!
Eye: that Fortnite ripoff?
Laertis: careful, dude, you don't want to upset President Bump who says these video games are the problem.
Dirg: it comes highly recommended from Takahashi, whom i haven't seen in ages.
the Pinto makes a sudden stop not from a bump but from a dead squirrel stuck in the tailpipe. Eye covers Laertus's eyes as Laertus covers Eye's eyes as they both scream but it's muffled by the closed windows as Dirg tries to remove the squirrel with his hand but the poor critter bites Dirg, tells him he's a raccoon and Dirg is racist, leaving Dirg all afright.
Dirg: it's cool, i'm fine. why does it smell worse in here than out there? i got this, i washed my hands with that icky smelly bubbly green toxic soap in the campus bathrooms.
Laertus: bro you know there's no more bathrooms on campus. and YOU personally know why.
Dirg: we'll get our late-night grub from Jack In The Box at 3AM---the only place open at that time---then drive back to my basement for some debasement: meaning we'll continue playing the video game, we'll stay up all night fueled by gallons and gallons of Mountain Dew till the sun comes up and cracks us wide open. buoyed motivated inspired and supported by Mountain Dew. not as a sponsor, Mountain Dew as spirit. MOUNTAIN DEW IS THE REAL HOLY WATER. then we'll repeat this cycle all over again the next day forever. this is living, this is adulting. wasn't it fun to wait in that long line? at Walmart? that's the most exercise we'll ever get!
Laertus: yeah i dunno, bro, i was thinking since you have a car now maybe we'd i dunno go to some parties with girls or something? or hang out with the boys? not be alone.
Dirg: i love the taste of Mountain Dew, it's so cool that drink. it's 7 Up except it contains caffeine, it's the best of both worlds.
when he drives up to the drivethru, Dirg at first is overjoyed.
Dirg: i've been waiting for this for two days!
but then he is dismayed. and angry. and aghast. he thought Mountain Dew would be clear-colored like 7 Up or Sprite but he forgot and instead it's that icky green color of the soap. he can't drink it anymore.