Monday, March 18, 2024

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: GENTLEMAN'S B


 









Jen P and i are summoned to the teacher's office. on stage. my instructor William Shakespeare wants to discuss how i'm doing.
William Shakespeare: i mean you're never here. you're never at class. you're always tardy.
me: is tardiness still a thing in college? i mean do you use the word tardy to describe being late in college?
Jen P: the redness in my face is not because i just donated blood at that bank in the back.
Peyton Manning: ...
Shakespeare: i use any occasion to use all the words. where are you at all times?
me: lost in my head.
Shakespeare: speaking of, i'm feeling uninspired of late. woe is me.  
EZ Taylor: if you thought more like whoa is me you'd see how righteous life is.
Shakespeare: you see i recently became a first-time father and i'm having trouble with the pampers. changing a nappy is hard. see in all my plays i never once wrote a character who changed diapers.
Jen P: that should have been your play PhD thesis.
me: i have one better, i'm thinking of a play concept that chronicles my relationship with Jen. the OTHER Jen.
Jen P: thanks.

me: my thing involves a brand new way of looking at and designing stage architecture. have you ever had a Zoom call up here on this stage?
Shakespeare: can't say that i have, how would that work?
me: it'd be like in the '80s when the parochial teacher would wheel in that TV on top of a cabinet stand and the 3rd Grade student kids would be paste-faced realizing they are unexpectedly watching television AT SCHOOL!!!
Shakespeare: speaking of, i am at a loss, my new baby with Juliet Anglin Aldershot simply will not eat, he's a very fussy eater, i don't know what to feed him. our Will Junior is too choosy. 
Jen P: okay no Jif then.
Shakespeare: i'm going back in my archives to see if that Storybook International episode "Secret Soup" will provide any answers. i've asked around all over town, all the stallholders, what exactly do you feed a child that age?
me: i got it. but surely if i revolutionize a new concept in stagecraft i can pass this class.
Shakespeare: i'll give you a Gentleman's B.
Dirg: gentlemen's blowjob? in college? there's no way. in the frats? i don't believe it.
Shakespeare: for i and we are gentlemen first and foremost.

on one of the Zoom screens onstage plays Raising Miranda.
Royana Black: i look like Maddie from The Suite Life of Zack & Cody.
Jackie Fitzgerald: i know that blonde girl...
Royana: speaking of, i wish my mom had gone to London rather than Phoenix...
Roy Paranzuela: i wish my dad hadn't joined the military...
Royana: why is our front door the same as the Married with Children front door?...

Tanya Donelly: my mother accidentally dropped me out the open belly panel of a cargo plane while we were flying over the Congo. 
Baloo from TaleSpin: that was NOT one of my planes, i check the door bolts unlike Boeing!!! my planes are incapable of making water landings...
Tanya: i didn't cry about it, i simply became the Tree of Life. my unexpected childhood in the Congo was a cool one, i grew into a good self-sufficient person. in my moody broody teen years i reseeded to Portland/Seattle and formed the band Belly to cope with my pain. i was getting skinny even for a girl, i needed to eat again.
Pati Jinich: i found you 17-years-old shivering in swaddling clothes by my doorstep. i fed you Mexican pancakes and Mexican waffles. i became your new madre.
Tanya: all that doughy food was good. you know you really are BACK, Pati, if you're still cooking food like THAT. i'm glad PBS took you back...
Pati: it's what i've always tried to instill in my children, you and my son Michael Weiss who plays high-school soccer. it's not about how popular you are. one year you have the #1 show, the next year you're unceremoniously taken off the Comcast schedule. instead of getting LIKES from strangers on Instagram, learn to TALK to strangers more, actually TEXT with strangers more...

Pati Jinich: it's St. Pati's Day, you fucking PBS perras.
Arthur: we got you your old job back at PBS with interest, you're paid more than the men and the armadillos now. 
Pati Jinich: yeah but i gotta do a documentary on the history of Jalisco with Ken Burns.
Ken Burns: Pati, are you willing to give up 5 years of your life never seeing your sons and your husband to go out and travel to do this documentary with me?
Pati: chingo!!!

Mary Tyler Moore: my secret? Splenda...

Boc: it's just so weird to see a big burly manly monster truck like that be so nice to me, WAIT FIVE MINUTES on the corner as i LEISURELY cross the street. you know what else is weird? jogging the Safeway parking lot at 7:30AM in the morning, i'd never do that.

Greykid: hey, remove the crusty schmutz from my eye like a Jewish grandfather. cats get eye schmutz, too...

Minster: i live in a mantion...

Eraserhead: seems like Cronenberg but is Lynch...

Lance Lear: the Tour de France is WAY more interesting than the French Open...

Emma Raducanu: i like my balls the same size in every world city...

Michael Weiss: on Instagram, is there any way to talk to people in a NORMAL way?...

Michael Weiss: i'm on Instagram just to secure a wife...
Julia Ioffe: ...

Ameci Pizza opposite St. Cyril's in Encino: that's LAist, not laziest, Los Angeles denizens aren't lazy, we make Air Jordans...
Monsignor Navin: the L.A. laity is a fucking bug up my hairy ass. 

Nick Kyrgios: i've always wanted to be a guest on Between Two Ferns.
Zach Galifianakis: i banned you for life. you're too weird for me.
Nick Kyrgios: so i guess i'll just HOST my OWN Between Two Ferns...

Mark Sanford: at the end of the day, life isn't about your job, life is about finding your soulmate...

Claire Nielson: ironically, none of the Medieval meals on Storybook International was a Waldorf salad...

Google Search: are you feeling lucky?.........on St. Patrick's Day?...
Julie from Lucky: did you see me wearing a green apron today?...

Don from Don's Plum: giant BIG-ASS satchel-bag of MLB-baseball-game pistachios on the half-shell just PLOP right on top of our last-ever newspaper kiosk...

Daniel Dae Kim: what a gorgeous beast!!!
Mardith, blushing: why thank you.
Daniel Dae Kim: no i was referring to your Golden Retriever on Instagram...

Alice: the vibe of this '70s TV show is the back alley behind Pic-N-Save...

Kakashi is feeding his baby baby food. his baby and Kakashi are in a highchair.
Suzy Lu: KAWAII!!! that is ADORABLE. this is like that scene from Invincible...
Kakashi: our son won't eat the strained peas...
Suzy Lu: remove your mask, babe, and SHOW our son HOW to eat strained peas...
Naruto: your baby boy will STRAIN his whole life to master chakra...

Greykid: cat tax? i don't want your dirty money, i don't want your filthy coins for Lent, what i want is your love...

Elon Musk: you may hate my guts but i'm gonna be the man who finally cures cancer.........i mean think about that...

Julie from Lucky: yes, i was on Storybook International...

Michael Weiss as an Instagram minder: i mean these nude pics clearly violate Instagram's policy.........but she's hot, you know?...

Spike Lee: so if i'm NEVER gonna win an Oscar, can i AT LEAST see a 3rd Knicks NBA Championship title run in my lifetime?.........3 is a lucky St. Paddy's Day New York number...

i'm directing traffic on stage. i push Jen R all around the stage's four corners by her antique-sale pink grandma sweater.
me: okay Jen i'm gonna need you to move over HERE on THIS mark.
Jen R: masking tape marks the X spot!!!
me: yeah so the play is about our burgeoning relationship and how it solidified magically within 3 weeks. i talk to Jen here with my face on the Zoom screen and then Jen's face comes on the Zoom screen like our real relationship is. we both text each other back and forth like this. and this is my one big line:
me: Jen, since you're in Baltimore and i'm in Berkeley, is there any way for us to get married TODAY on Zoom?...

Jen P: all this discussing of having babies in this play, those used to be OUR babies. in real life.
me: i know, sorry.
Jen P: you hurt me.
me: i'm sorry.
Jen P: no i mean when did you learn to cook?!!! when did you become this high-class Jacques Pepin boat chef?!!! when we were together you could barely string together a hot dog.
me: Jen inspires me. the OTHER Jen.
Jen P: thanks. 
me: Jen inspires me to pick up the giant wooden soup spoon.
Jen P: well at least you're safe for now, you've promised to cook Shakespeare unlimited food.
me: it's true what they say: in college, DoorDash is your friend...
me: i KNOW what to feed your finicky baby boy, Shakespeare!!!
Shakespeare: pray tell, old squire.
me: one word: CHEETOS. i learnt that from Suzy Lu.
Shakespeare: methinks we have a soothsayer in our midst. let me check your hands for orange witch powder...
 









Friday, March 15, 2024

ONCE: VACUUM-CLEANER OF LOVE


 











Jen R and i are in Dublin, Ireland at a pub.
Data from Star Trek: TNG: i am persona non grata here for some reason. i'm just here for the gratin CHEESE, folks!!!
Jen: how did it feel to play that Bob Wheeler Night Court character again?
Data: i felt like Robert Clampitt. i haven't evinced a Southern accent for any reason in 30 years...
me: what's the most Irish dish you can think of?
Jen: spaghetti of course.
me: right. this place cooks the spaghetti in a Dutch oven!!!
Jen: that's your two favorite things combined!!! that's too much joy for you!!!

me: what's your favorite drink at an Irish pub?
Jen: wow straight to the drunk angle, aye? why it's Mocha Mix of course.
me: you know the Mocha Mix cocktail here is so good because the Tantric Milk has been reincarnated in an Irish Catholic church on a grassy green hill.
Jen: you can taste the Ballykissangel in this Mocha Milk cocktail, has that Guinness aftertatste...
me: the Happy Meal toy is a bar of Irish Spring soap.
Jen: it's nice of them to allow me to use the pub shower in the back. i'm glad we're here. i'm here for the bar food and vinyl music and of course all the Bjork. 
Bjork: is this where the Burger King sauna is?
me: as long as i can text you everyday, i'm stable, i'm calm, i'm cool, i'm gold like a lioness.
Jen: okay but like the heroine of this film i too have to take a few days off to care for my young daughter...

Marketa Irglova: are you my mommy?
Bjork: yes you look like me if i had had the time to be an actress...

Jennifer Lien in Phenom: they named me Roanne because this show came on after Roseanne Tuesday nights...
Jennifer Lien in Phenom: i left Star Trek for this?!!!...

BK TeeVee.
Shaft: no jive, 1993, the last year you will EVER be able to get the French Chicken Sandwich at Burger King...
Angela in Phenom: tennis is my shelter from the storm...
Jennifer Lien: a lot of electric storms on Star Trek: Voyager...

on the Saturday Night Live stage Carlos Alcaraz and Zverev are in bee costumes.
John Belushi: can i help you?
Carlos Alcaraz: what.
Zverev: what.
Belushi: *raises eyebrow*
Carlos Alcaraz: what we do now, we make people laugh?
Belushi: it's WAY harder than playing tennis. i was an Olympian you know...
Spider-Man holding a tiny spider-sized camera along a string: the better question is when do I become a bee?...

Lume: home of gilfs...

Alan Watts: on a clear day.........you can see a clear day...

Realtor.com: finally we admit it!!! it's not about fires and floods, it's about NOISE POLLUTION!!! we track noise pollution hotspots, the map is COMPLETELY COVERED in green...

Jen Carfagno: when there isn't a second map, you know it's gonna be a good sunny windless power-filled day...

Takahashi: street-racing is my shelter from the storm...

Kensington Palace: social media made us put up barbed-wire...

Fuerza: i haven't blown my nose in forever...

Michael Weiss: an influencer with 3 photos on his Instagram?...

MoGo: one visit, that's the cost of one iPhone....

Boc: when i JUMP RIGHT AS the car's about to make a right turn at the corner, i'm doing this for US, you know? i'm doing this for YOU. all the bicycle riders out there, all the sidewalk-walkers, this is OUR right of way, don't let the bully cars win...
Super Mario blowing his nose into a wrench handkerchief: i crying. tears of hayfever from green alive vines with red faces. and happiness. you make me so proud, my son Boc, you make papa proud, you jump higher than me...

Leslie Sbrocco: the ingredients aren't gonna be needed until they are kneaded. i'm making donut holes...
Leslie Sbrocco: i make my sweet holes using this bench scraper here. it's called a bench scraper because when you stand it up it looks like any park bench you see in San Francisco. it's called affordance... 

Boc: it's better to walk than drive early in the morning, the sun glare gets in your eyes either way...

on the set of Between Two Ferns.
Michael Weiss: you know, i always wanted to be Zach Galifianakis...
Zach Galifianakis: so Jerry...
Jerry Seinfeld: that's MISTER Seinfeld to you.
Zach: Jerry, actor, writer, comedy presenter, which of these jobs that Larry David does so ingeniously do you admire him for the most?...
Jerry: writer. definitely writer,. writing is hard.
Zach: i'm not giving you ANY credit...

Michael Weiss: i'm not seen.........no i mean my Instagram comments are LITERALLY not being seen, they disappear once i post them, all my thoughts are for naught...
me: i'm meeting with my Blogspot lawyers...

Justin Rose: i do a billion commercials. but i wanna win a BIG-ARSE golf tournament again...

Eye Luggage: Once and go.
Julie Patzwald: i'm taking band notes for better band creation...
Glen Hansard: look DEEP into my blue Irish eyes. you will drown in the Irish Sea if you look in my eyes long enough. these are pained eyes, handsomely pained eyes.
Marketa Irglova: me too the same. i'm the one with the Irish green eyes...
Glen: you know i just realized this, we don't have NAMES in this movie!!! we're just Guy and Girl. throughout the entirety of this film we never ONCE mention our names to each other or inside our internal narrators, not ONCE in the script dialogue, that's where the word ONCE comes from.
Jen: no it's actually from your song "Once," which is weird because it's a throwaway song on the album...

John Carney: wait before we start i have to do something...
John Carney: hello, Keira Knightley, do you want to be in this picture?
Marketa: hey.
John: don't worry it's all for show. but i gotta throw a bone to Keira to apologize in some fashion.
Keira Knightley: you said i couldn't act. you said i couldn't show emotions on my perfect face. 
John: i was drunk, luv, come back to me. if i needed an actor to play, say, a tree, the FIRST call i make is to you. okay? going forward...
Cillian Murphy: if i had done this project as planned i would have won my Oscar by now WAY before now...
Marketa: hey Cillian you little bitch, you little Irish dipstick dipshit, I CAN ACT!!! yeah i'll see you at the market one of these days, you know what i'm sayin? yeah i'll see you in the aisles, ya feel me? we'll have our own little Troubles between us...

Glen: the Swell Season, that was my band in college i mean that was the band i formed with you. isn't it a cool name? we had a swell time doing the shooting of Once, changed our lives forever.
Marketa: for the worse.
Christopher Nolan nudges Glen in the ribs with his sharp elbows.
Christopher Nolan: ho, fellow Oscar mate. Oscar bait, masturbate at the thought of winning an Oscar. what took you so long? heeheehee *cough cough* wink wink nudge nudge...

Glen busking on Grafton Street.
Glen: Grafton, graft, so i'm expecting my guitar case full for coins to get stolen soon. by my best friend who's also a street bum.
street-bum best friend: come on, mate, i just need some cash to buy a Mother's Day card.
Glen: is it March already?.........how's your mom doing?...
street-bum friend: i'm sick in the head, my ma's just sick physically.
John Carney: amateur filmmakers TAKE NOTE!!! you see what we did here? we used LONG LENSES and filmed the street on a normal busy day sprawling and crawling with people on the sidewalks. that's how you do a movie ON THE CHEAP. you can't pay extras, so use REAL LIFE as your background!!!...
Laertus takes notes on his waterproof notepad...

Eddie Vedder: ho, fellow busker!!! can i sing on your corner?
Glen: who you calling a slut, mate? i'm not a slut, i'm just lonely. i'm a slut for music. this is MY corner.
Eddie: but i need to perform the Pearl Jam song "Once," the first song off our first album...
Glen: this is MY corner.
Eddie: but "Once" was the very first song Pearl Jam ever wrote together...

Marketa: that song you just sung at night on this cobblestone street was POWERFUL. your ex-girlfriend really fucked you up something fierce when she dumped you.
Glen: it's not about her.
Marketa: bullshit. all songs are about women who dumped men. even the songs written by women.
Glen: what flowers do you sell?
Marketa: Les Miserables flowers. Kurt Cobain flowers. pollen flowers which only give YOU hayfever. i learned English by watching Janet Wood on Three's Company...

Glen: what's a Czech girl doing in Ireland?
Marketa: celebrating St. Patrick's Day this Sunday of course!!!
Glen: there's something MORE to you...
Marketa: i'm also Icelandic.
Glen: THAT'S IT!!! YOU'RE ICELANDIC!!! you have that Bjork magic to your face!!!

Marketa: you fix hoovers?
Glen: yeah. my dad only uses one wrench like Mario.
Marketa: okay so i'll lug my GIGANTIC vacuum cleaner from my apartment with my tiny little woman arms all the way to you at this broken street tomorrow, okay? it's a good thing i just HAPPENED to have a broken Hoover or this ENTIRE LOVE-STORY ROMANCE wouldn't have happened...
Glen: i heard girls use vacuum cleaners as masturbators, is this true?
Marketa: nah, it's a sci-fi robot thing...

Marketa: i'm a musician as well.
Glen: i know, if it wasn't for me nobody would know your name...
Marketa: anyway.........wanna hook up and duet?
Glen: sure, let's enter a very glassy Cold Stone Creamery over here on the corner. so what's your favorite color?
Marketa: my dad killed himself.
Glen: good talk. that was a great conversation.

at Guitar Center.
Marketa: can i play the piano free here as always?
counterman: you got FIVE minutes...
counterman: i'm counting the minutes...
Glen: guitars on the walls scare me, they're like hunting trophies. well, here goes nothing...
Glen starts playing "Falling Slowly" on acoustic guitar...
Marketa breaks into "Falling Slowly" on piano...
they both sing "Falling Slowly" in perfect harmony...
Marketa: WOW, this song is a MASTERPIECE.
Glen: thanks. i came up with this entire song JUST NOW. it just popped in me head...
Marketa: i didn't know you could sing that high, you have that Billy Corgan voice register...

on the bus ride home.
Glen: okay ready for my impromptu punk-rock version of "Falling Slowly" on acoustic guitar and growly vocals?...

Glen's father: fixing a vacuum is like performing open-heart surgery on ER.
Marketa: Glen, why does your bedroom look like EVERY European hostel?...
Angela from Phenom: upstairs...
Marketa: fuck...
Glen on the bed: yes i do, i wanna fuck you, Marketa.
Marketa on the bed: no i was gonna say fuck this. i'm leaving.
Glen: sorry. it's just you're gorgeous and i'm lonely.
Marketa: but what if you were lonely and i was ugly? why is your hair so fucking ginger?
Glen: my hair is actually orange not red, i ate a bad presidential pepper in the States...

Marketa: i'm composing ON THE SPOT RIGHT HERE RIGHT NOW this beautiful song about drifting boats as souls at night walking down this cobblestone road, much like that The Prodigy "Smack My Bitch Up" music video...

Marketa: is this one of those European parties with the King Arthur longtable and everyone packed like sardines 50 to a tiny sliver of a room, dimly-lit, one long skinny candle, all smashed on mead, everyone wearing those green and red pointy Christmas-crown leather felt hats?...

Glen: get ready for gauzy footage of my ex-girlfriend in cottage dreamscapes, at past birthday parties, and fields of gold.
Marketa: this looks like those scenes from Her...
Spider-Man: a spiderweb...

Glen: you have kid?
Marketa: yes and my husband is a dog. back in the home country. yeah i have a toddler and yeah she learned English from Sesame Street.
Glen: you're too young to be a mom!!! my mum was 50 when she had me. hey if i make a funny face at your daughter that indicates the daughter has accepted me as her father now and i'm ONE step away from the three of us becoming a new family...
Marketa's mom: *speaks in Czech*
Marketa: mom, speak English, that's rude to our houseguest.
mom: i was only saying you are marketable, Marketa. fine i'll speak in Icelandic...
Marketa: don't mind these three bumbling idiots on our ratty sofa, they're learning English by watching The Three Stooges and that GODAWFUL soap Coronation Street...

Glen: as i walk up these ivory steps, it's like that Oakland studio apartment that man had in his second year at Berkeley...
Marketa: let's secure a recording session, i'll empty my life savings at the bank for you. i've only met you for three days now...
Glen: yeah i keep forgetting this whole long movie takes place IN ONE WEEK!!!
Marketa: yeah we even go to the beach and everything like a Scooby-Doo anime.
Shaggy with a surfboard on his head: beach soccer?

at the bank.
Marketa: can we get a loan? this is Bank of America, right? you're reputable. we'll let you play drums on our album.
bank manager: who brings a tape recorder to a bank? that's suspicious. people say i have the singing voice of Karen Carpenter...

at the recording studio.
Marketa: this recording-studio back alley is giving me Control that 2007 movie vibes...
recorder: you guys don't faze me, i recorded the best, i did the Beatles and Stones and Iggy Fucking Pop!!! tape your little song and hear your song in the Scooby-van radio at the beach and here's the masters. like the golf tournament. i'll be over here reading my golf magazine...

Glen: oh, so the ONCE is referencing the motorcycle. that's lame.
Easy Rider: ...
*Marketa says a phrase in Czech with a smile and twinkle in her eye*
Glen: what'd you just say to me, woman? did you say I LOVE YOU to me in Czech?
Marketa: no i said my Czech husband is a dog.

Eamon: i'm a jaded studio engineer. look at my jade ring.
Glen: he got it at Jared. 
Eamon: are these putzes your back-up band?
other buskers: what sort of music is this? heavy metal?
Glen: singer-songwriter, like Sting but with REAL blue-eyed soul...

Glen: your stuff is better than my stuff, you should go into composing original piano songs and singing like an Icelandic fairy.
Marketa: i really like this piano.
Glen: i'll get it for you. it's yours. but i'm a busker so i'll have a Fisher-Price piano delivered to your flat tomorrow...

Glen: where's Mark?
Tommy Wiseau: ...
mom: Marketa's gone.
Glen: i mean you guys really live in the slums. crap ghetto. this apartment is a shack. this flat is a real piece of shit, you viddy me? i mean how can you live in a place with NO FUCKING PHONE?!!!...
mom: Marketa was a BRILLIANT letter-writer and calligrapher in kindergarten...
 
Glen: wanna grab a coffee? 
Marketa: it would be fun to fuck you. but i can't. in order for us to have sex in future you MUST promise me one thing from now on: for the rest of your life you must ONLY refer to sex as hanky-panky.
Glen: i can't say no to those manic pixie dream girl eyes of yours.
Marketa: i'm a musician, i have Bjork's blood in me...
Glen: wanna stay at my place? your place is such a vile wretched trap, you know? mine's cleaner.
Marketa: after MY hoover.
Glen: i squatted in that place. but it was for a good cause...

Glen: what do you think of the demo, pop?
dad: it made me cry. your ma would be so proud. 
Glen: you gonna be okay here without me?
dad: i survived 50 years before you were born. when you were born life changed for the worse, suddenly my life became very difficult for me. are there any songs on this demo tape about your dead mother?
Glen: um.........no...

Laertus: oh god this ending with Marketa's window zooming out as she looks out the window longingly and the swelling "Falling Slowly" reprise is getting to me, i'm CRYING right now...
Eye Luggage: babe...
Laertus: but i disagree with the premise of this ending. we don't care about Marketa's Czech husband!!! and we don't care that Glen is getting back together with his ex in London!!! we don't care about these boring people!!! we want some indication that Marketa and Glen will become a couple in future, that's the only juicy ending, right? the only palatable information. we must know that Marketa and Glen FUCKED down the road...
Eye: but babe maybe this IS the perfect ending, it's the ending that is realistic after one week. these two probably never saw each other again, that's how life is, that's how HEARTBREAKING life can be when two soulmates CAN'T stay together. plausible and cruel. it was only that ONE special week, the pain of a lifetime apart forever...

Marketa: we sure did make quite the pair for a while, didn't we. we were the combustible couple.
Glen: i was falling in love with you during the shooting of the film Once. but i was thinking to myself that you were just a kid and i was 50 years older than you.
Marketa: age is nothing but a number if the sex is good. then i dumped you.
Glen: i tried to keep the fairytale going...
Marketa: did you read that New York Post headline?
Glen: that headline hurt. that headline hurt me. salt and sand in my already open and gaping wound. the headline was as follows: Falling Slowly.........Out of Love...

Steven Spielberg: this was the BEST movie of 2007 BY FAR. it gave me hope again. it's such a novel take on the movie musical. it restored my faith in humanity, in music that matters, and in the power of film. the inkling of hope i had then came true, Obama was elected. if only the world could have continued on that track of goodness.........painful sigh, g'night folks...
Keira Knightley: you see? now there's a REAL director. Steve is a REAL director.
John Carney: ...
 
me by the pub fire. with Jen.
Jen R: two Shamrock Shakes please. with one straw. i have to admit i've never really had the Double Cheeseburger from McDonald's...
me: it sure is lovely and kindly and warmly humanly of this Irish pub to make Shamrock Shakes for us, give us a taste of home across the pond. 
Irish barkeep by the name of Patrick: that McDonald's shite is just melted green-tea ice cream.
Jen: i have to go to the bathroom...





 




Wednesday, March 13, 2024

TOPTENNIS


 








Jen R and i are at Toptennis.
Jen R: it's like a Topgolf but it's tennis.
Tiger Woods: what exactly is Topgolf?
Jen: it's like combining miniature golf with batting cages, a Sherman Oaks Galleria dream!!! sit around on white couches drinking prosecco hitting a tennis ball as high and far as possible to reach a circle hole.
Chris Evert: don't look at me.
Martina Navratilova: but not as HARD.
me: do we have a patent on this thing yet?
Jen: no.
me: good. i want to make money doing a graphic novel with you instead.

at the Toptennis cage just next to us on the driving range that TV show Phenom is being discussed.
Judith Light: Tony Danza was a boxer?...
Angela Goethals: my name was Angela on the show too, just to make things easier. for the writers and on-set directors, i went to Vassar.
Kurt Cobain with a tennis racquet in his right hand and a powder-blue guitar in his left hand: i'm a leftie like Nadal. i was JUST still alive during this show's My So-Called Life run...  
Angela Goethals: Angela Doolan, Angela Chase chasing Jordan Catalano, see how everything connects celestially like a tennis cyclops?
Danny Phantom: ...
Genie Bouchard: tennis balls as big as a high-school girl's breasts? impossible. 
me: this show had Southern California, a parochial high school run by Catholic nuns, and tennis as a way out, this would have been my life if i had chosen tennis...
Aunt Cork and Uncle Russ: everyone in Manhattan Beach, from real-estate agents to former actresses to Body Glove employees, has that Manhattan Beach Face, you know?...

me: did you fall asleep due to the prosecco?
Jen: no it's National Nap Day, i'm being a good citizen. when i nap while we're having sex, it's not a knock against you, i'm just fulfilling my duty. are we in Vegas?
me: yes.
Jen: Spotlight 29 Casino is the best part about Coachella now, i don't know ANY of these bands, i'm a grannie who eats frosted cookies. where were we last week?
me: Cunard.
Jen: ah yes that chic craft, British beauty boat,
Julie Smith: paratha bread looks like English muffins.
Jen: shimmer ship. nobody read about our adventure there last week so it's like it never happened, you know?
me: let's talk about us.
Jen: my favorite subject.
me: we're the SAME PERSON, you know? why can't we be together?
Jen: you gotta relax about us. breathe and let it FLOW, let it take 3 years, you know?
i kiss Jen.
me: this is how i know we're soulmates, that was the most non-sexual kiss of all time.
Jen: agreed.
me: what we have is PURE LOVE. you're the first person i ever made moon eyes at, i didn't know i could MAKE moon eyes. i always imagined YOU'd be the one with the moon eyes, your eyes are magic like the moon.
Jen: it's a Mellon Collie Smashing Pumpkins thing.
Miss Piggy on the Toptennis circle stage: it's MY turn to tell a joke, mister man. move out of my spotlight, frog!!!
Kermit the Frog: women are funny, i'm not just saying that.
Miss Piggy eating the mic: what do you call a pig with a frog in her throat?.........a woman with frogs on her face, you know, from the embarrassment.

at Worcester Public Library.
Jen: i got free tickets to the Worcester Public Library. that's exciting, right? we lead exciting lives, right?
it's a special day at the Worcester Public Library. it's Grey Cat Day.
Greykid: yes, the day grey cats try to capture photos of their humans sipping Earl Grey tea. i ALMOST got one on camera but he turned his head at the last minute...
Jean-Luc Picard: i don't like my cat seeing me bald.
Jen: don't you love libraries with STAIRS and fireplaces? hey what's with this tiny room? what happened to all the Coachella stages?!!!
Flea from Red Hot Chili Peppers: it's one video-game room now, more profitable.
Kyle Brandt is in this room playing NES Ice Hockey from the '80s.
Kyle Brandt: the Nintendo Entertainment System, we took it for granted. this game got me through puberty, all my life i thought i was fat, that's why i developed a personality where i make many deadpan jokes. but with this game you could change the body-type of the hockey player with a push of the button, you could make him skinny, normal, or fat. 
fat hockey player: we call ourselves enforcers, not fat.
Kyle: that's when it dawned on me, i was never fat, i was stocky. muscular even!!! but it was too late for me to be a jock, i had already developed all the jokes so i went into broadcasting as a comedian...

anime: the only place where you KNOW the characters are hungry because their stomachs ALWAYS growl...

Sakura: so it turns out i'm Catholic. i have a marble Virgin Mary statue in my garden...
Naruto: religion? but we're NOTHING compared to the universe...
old man looking up at the stars: ...
Naruto moon: our moon eyes are gods...

Takahashi: the Starbucks cute cases come in 4 iced-coffee bottles to a box, tsk tsk. plus they're expensive...

workers: we're building a new fence for you for your front.
Jackie Fitzgerald: that's rude, i'm not that old.
workers: of course not, you're a gilf. an ACTUAL fence, one that's not automatic...
Jackie: you guys are gymlords.
workers: what did you call us?!!!
Jackie: no, gymlords. 
Boc in a flash-silver yellow jogging jumpsuit and tight black lycra bicycle short-shorts: ...
Boc: RuPaul's new autobiography is so deep you cannot enter the door to her sumptuous house, it's too hidden and secret and imbued with meaning, only RuPaul himself can take the journey to seek.
Hodor: speaking of door quests, i wish i had joined the hobbits...
RuPaul: it's like my own secret code, my own words and grimoire alphabet and cryptograms. bring your apple juice, this is gonna be a long journey for me to finally accept myself in this cruel world.........and try to reinvent this cruel world...

Abbot Butt: i could never be the President of of the United States of America, that job requires you to lie...
Abraham Lincoln: i mean it's more like keeping state secrets to prevent the country from toppling. i almost became a monk...
Abbot Butt: monks never perform Last Rites...
Martin Sheen: ...

Lucille Ball: that's not me on Rhoda...
Garfield the cat: i developed that show...
Lucy: i don't ACT on that show but i PRODUCED it.

Leaf Out: when the PeeChees and Trapper Keepers start coming in.
Jim Cantore: they never keep, not even in Minnesota winters...

Derek Jeter, Reggie Jackson, and Aaron Judge: THERE CAN ONLY BE ONE!!!...

RFK Jr.: wanna be my VP?
Aaron Rodgers: only if eventually i become the President of the United States of America. only if TikTok comes back, that's the only way i can talk to Joe Rogan. i'm only gonna be President for one day...
JFK: you're only gonna be President for one play. and i'm gonna have to clean up that mess of a play you make. your mess stinks like your cup. why would you give missiles to the Cubans?
Aaron: missiles?
JFK: those ugly ungainly gas-guzzler 1920s and 1950s Chevy Cabriolets. Cuba should have had electric cars in 1900...
Aaron: i'll talk to Elon about this. i threw the ball farther and more accurately than you in college.
JFK: yeah but in the Navy i gave Marilyn Monroe the spiral.

Michael Weiss: i'm transitioning.
Dirg: ...
Michael Weiss: ...away from Instagram...

Wendy's: so the new burgers have sand in them?...
Kathryn: no need for all the obloquy that gets thrown my way daily, make moon eyes at me and get a free Moonshine Shake!!! we're open late now, REAL late.
McDonald's Care Bears: ...

Elizabeth Banks: i'm not Chelsea Handler...

Planet Fitness: you want to go to our gym with your friend free? you don't have friends, that's why you're at a gym...

Mico's Chase commercial: Cecilia Tries It breaks through with her first commercial!!!

Rolex Oscars commercial: you will NEVER achieve the facial expression of Adrien Brody...

Judge Judy: in my non-humble correct opinion, you're a putz. that's my ruling, you're a putz.
Will Ferrell: can you believe 50% of the country still hasn't seen Elf?...

Don Julio: imagine Desi Arnaz is still alive and this is his patron tequila...

Airbnb: no more cameras in hotel walls, cameras only in our toilets. plus 4 friends? better with 3 or 5 friends...

Wayfair Wayborhood: the world is already divided up into gated communities...

DoorDash: turn your romantic roses into Bjork flowers...

Larry Bird: you know what i used to do to putzes like you?
Mayhem: beat them on the basketball court?
Larry: beat them. my favorite cereal is Cocoa Puffs. i still own many CDs and have a CD tree. i drink Arrowhead gallon water from the '80s. what does this attic remind you of?
Mayhem: Robert De Niro?
Larry: no, the correct answer is that film White Noise. get outta my house!!!

Aubrey Plaza Baja-Blasting it: Scump?

Tina Fey: you're saying i took like a Sasquatch? a Bigfoot?
Jack McBrayer: remember when Phineas and Ferb was the most popular cartoon on Earth?...
Glenn Close: now, all internet parasocial relationships are Fatal Attraction.
waiter: wasn't it cool that Brent Spiner was still alive and able to do a new episode of Night Court?...

100-year-old man and woman: NO we ARE NOT meant to work till we die...
global warming: all the fjords dried up and are now filled with dried gas...

wearable tech: when you don't see the park anymore...

Jen: okay we are doing the Carnival Cruise next!!! we are PLAYING Family Feud Live onboard that boat!!!
me: my moon eyes just went blurry, my lips went numb, all i heard was me and you and family...

Jen: i'm not drunk. i'm spitting out brilliant ideas. if you hit the tennis ball THROUGH the net that counts as a won game. if you hit the tennis ball OUT OF THE STADIUM that counts as a won set...
John McEnroe: i've never taken a drug in my life, performance-enhancing or street-illegal. i am crazy. i am crazy in the head. playing tennis without a net, think about it...






 



Monday, March 11, 2024

BERKELEY CITY COLLEGE: MAKING A MOVIE, FILMING A FILM AT BERKELEY


 









Christopher Nolan is giving Jen R and i a tour of Berkeley.
Christopher Nolan: we filmed many scenes from Oppenheimer here on the Berkeley campus.
Jen R: what are you doing here, man? 
Christopher Nolan winking and sniffing his nose: Oscars research. if you know what i mean, wink wink nudge nudge.
Jen R: i mean it's rather odd, right? this movie is about the ultimate war machine on the most peacenik place on Earth!!!
Larry King: curiouser and curiouser. strange as fuck like my stash of ketamine dippers.
Lindsey Graham: oh my vapors i have vapers.
me: congrats on Best Picture, sir. you have one of those faces where i can't lie to it, i did NOT see Oppenheimer, sorry. i only saw Barbie. who has the statuette now?
Christopher: the person who produced babies with me. strangely, we named each of our children Oscar BEFORE the fact like ten years ago. even the girls.

we cross the main gate into campus.
me: oh God, seeing this green-tea gate again after SO many years, it's jarring. i called this the Colgate Gate cuz it looked like my toothpaste.
Jen R: do you have the insatiable urge to brush your teeth at this moment, bruh? my teeth hurt for no reason, too, sharp pains out of nowhere, probably the drugs. and the college drums. i feel so at home in Berkeley!!!
Shakespeare: what's that Latin inscribed on the gate?
Jen R: Latin for BRUSH YE TEETH, YOUNG MAN, OR EAT NO PUSSY.
me: you know the scariest 3 words in the English language?
Jen R: i love you?
me: no, Back To School...

Randall Park: i filmed my award-winning short film here and around the Berkeley suburbs, too. the sidewalks not just the parks. it's about Bay Area people who...
me: weren't you on Supah Ninjas?
Randall: yes. that was my Nickelodeon start. my gateway past the Colgate Gate. 
me: i'm ashamed to admit that show was the last show i was FORCED to watch.
Randall: thanks. 
Jen R: Alameda is awesome.
me: i recognize the shady streets in your movie!!! i walked them. oh yeah there's that video-game rental store. this obviously takes place in the '90s. i wonder if Cleo still works there...
Cleo: how long does a restraining order last?...
me: you know, i'm debating whether or not to ACTUALLY go back to Berkeley school or simply to get the experience again by watching your awarded thus worthwhile movie...
Randall: it's a good guide...

at the Oscars, the Twins are on stage.
Arnold Schwarzenegger: Batman that son of a bitch.
Danny DeVito: how dare you show your smug rich face in front of us around here!!! Batman defenestrated me!!! that's worse than molting feathers!!!
Michael Keaton in the audience: don't worry, i'm not gonna leave my seat, fly up there on stage, and Will Smith you two. hey did you like how i bit your beak off and ate it? you thought i wasn't crazy like that? i mean check me out in Night Shift for fuck sake.

Will Smith makes a surprise step-out onto the stage from behind the gold curtain. the Oscar audience GASPS in unison.
Will Smith, smiling: SIKE!!!
the audience gives Will Smith a standing ovation that lasts for 30 minutes.
Will acknowledging with his nodding head: thank you. thank you.
*pan to Tom Hanks looking bewildered...*

Will Smith: and now i'd like to tell you about my friend Chris Rock and why he deserves this acting award...
stage manager Lorne Michaels: no no no we did not agree to THIS, Will. i forgave you for the Slap Heard Round the World, that wasn't your fault, you were egged on...
Will: Happy Easter, Lorne.
Lorne: i forgave you for fucking Julie Delpy cuz, i mean, LOOK at Julie Delpy.
Julie Delpy: my tits somehow got bigger as i got older.........it's a French thing...
Lorne: i know, Shane Gillis and everything, but...
Will: Chris needs this honor to paper over his psychological wounds...
Chris Rock in the audience: get this man off the stage!!! want me to come up there with a LONG-ASS HOOK?!!!...
Jada: when will people start asking me only about my Oscar dress again?...

Robert Downey Jr.: i'd like to thank my fucked-up childhood for this Oscar. in that order. thanks, dad, for being who you were...

Slash in the middle of "I'm Just Ken" busts out into "November Rain..."

Jen R: remember when we did it in the Enoch Pratt Free Library?
me: how could i ever forget, the best moment of my life. that was the first time i genuinely made love. you made that WEIRD NOISE when you cummed. is that your true orgasm sound?
Jen R: yeah, it sounds like that ROBOT NOISE the Robot makes in the intro theme song to Whitney and the Robot...

Michael Jackson: MJO, i'm making a comeback. i'm gonna be what my mama always wanted me to be: a weatherman...
Jen Carfagno: i tried to do the Moonwalk on my roof and broke my leg. thank you, Michael, i feel more like Sean Lennon everyday... 
Michael Jackson: and then i'm gonna be an NFL football player who plays video games...
Michael Jackson: and then i'm gonna be the head of the NAACP...
Julian Sands: with me. i found my moral compass when i didn't have a compass down there...

Herta Ware: i was the first gilf...

lead singer of Dishwalla at the Vatican: i'm here to see the Pope. now that a pope is finally female, can you give me a sick note to get these bullies off me?
The Pope: you got death threats and hate mail just because God is a woman. i'm not God, i'm the Pope, but technically it's the same thing...
Fuerza dressed as Father Guido Sarducci: ...
Gilda Radner: i would have made the best Father Guido Sarducci...

Carlos Alcaraz: i'm silky like Spanish coffee.

Frances Tiafoe: my game is missing. i need to get my spark back.
Emma Raducanu: ...

Katy Perry at Pic-N-Save: you want spaghetti on rye?...

Gladyce: dear on our walk today we spotted this strange latex rubber black belt with a screw in it.
Mordecai: that is not Saturday-morning mall karate...
Doryce: definitely BDSM. moreover, furthermore, i scanned a paper booklet in the grass, Handy Stunts, the size of one of those Tijuana bibles.
Robert Crumb: had that Crumb energy to it.
Boc: saw a crunched McDonald's brown bag, thought it was a turkey...

Takahashi: a pill 4 times a day? 4 pills a day? this is not good.

Ariana Araiza: in case you didn't notice, you lost an hour of sleep last night. i didn't notice cuz i never get any sleep anyway, i'm always fucking through the night.

Tesla Cybertruck: i'm trying WAY TOO HARD to be the DeLorean. but i'll NEVER be the DeLorean.
Elon Musk: why didn't i just stick with electric cars? 
Michael J. Fox: hey Elon, fuck AI, just make a cure for Parkinson's...

Tide: don't let us fool you, we don't sell detergent water, we sell JUGS.
Brooke Trantor ...

Metamucil: feel less sluggish.........so you can play pickleball!!!

Jen P: dude, what are you doing?!!!
me: oh hey.
Jen P: don't hey me, you've lost the plot.
me: that's not good for an English major. 
Jen P: i'm sighing both loudly and internally. let me see what i can do. your field trip with Mr. Nolan is sure to count towards some sort of college credit. garner some credit-card points. 
Cillian Murphy: pronounce my first name NOW. i'm so proud of my Irish heritage i sing the Fight Song whilst drinking a Shamrock Shake from McDonald's, i'm the last man who still drinks those. don't count on it, Christopher Nolan FORCED me to do Oppenheimer WITHOUT reading the script first...
Jen P: did you at least write me a part in your movie?
me: not one where you're not naked...
Jen R: see THAT is why you're never ACTUALLY gonna ever make a movie...