Friday, May 14, 2021



* i'm spacey. my whole head is spacey and my cable is turtle-slow

* Anna: size doesn't matter. i'm still human, i'm married but i'm still human.
Elsa: yeah but how big is his nose?
Kristoff: are we talking about shoe size? cos i wear tennis-racquets.
Olaf: in our species our carrot is our carrot.

* Charles Barkley: why are you in EVERY SINGLE commercial, Shaq?
Shaquille O'Neal: i got the perfect liniment for your massage, Chuck, IcyHot.
Charles Barkley: wanna watch My Hero Academia with me after we do it?

* it's okay to watch adult swim again...

* i'm still not able to travel quite the way i want to so instead i watch the music video to Washed Out's "Amor Fati" and brush my teeth under a waterfall. i can't shave in a lake of silver clay cos i got no whiskers just a cat. i'm skinny enough that i can fit another in my tiny tub...

* nothingness is fine as long as it's not boring

* there's only indoor dining! no outdoor dining! we only serve food within your subconscious not without. you can enter the bowling alley without a mask only if you hit the 7-10 split while wearing a Hawaiian shirt and harmonica-mustache shouting I AM!!! to your wife of 30 years in the stands whom you promise to get a gray divorce. put a couple of waterfall razorblades and shaving creams for the road in your puffy bag.

* you don't have to work anymore. just work on yourself.

* i hate frogs now. frogs have been forever ruined for me. does not feel good, man.

* frog: i got immortal the mortal way: through good rock songs.

* Moon: a band? yeah i've heard you guys play. if you're a rock band and you want to be successful, you have to have a girl singer.

* frog: yeah thanks. we put our electro-guitar on the Pink Floyd brick as we play the flute and sax hard. tape it on one of those preschool Fisher Price recorders. 

* frog: my mom was feeling buzzed while driving cos covid was over. she's our manager. she's a nurse when she's not our manager. she sent our emo demo out to some labels but Columbia would only let her in the building if she had a penny and she had a Pepe Coin, not PepCoin, a Pepecoin. 

* Moon: you have one follower, that's something.

* Moon: never give up your dreams. unless you are dead. that's not celestial stars out there, that's graffiti.

* snail: not the Adventure Time snail. you wanted the lesbians to fuck so you have to pay for the HBO. there are no days here, infinite space/time is like covid.

* frog: Rod Serling door?
Moon: Rod Serling door.
snail: humans will ALWAYS NEED a journey of discovery...

* Logic: there can't be nothingness. once you think a thought that thought is a thing.
Nothingness: you'll see...

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: Medina Spirit is clean! but everyone else is dirty. so is horseracing legit? please tell me American Pharoah is still real.

keep me in mind when you ram Medina Sprit into your subconscious where no bad thoughts can hurt that precious horse. it's a crowded trade to luck on a winner in all the greenie oats and jockeys running on empty and an empty bottle of midnight bourbon cos they just realized they'll never grow. ram Jack Bauer so the dude wakes up and finally gets woke and goes to France to get culture and gets in a mademoiselle on a scooter made of bread. it's an unbridled honor to still be a race fan after all the scandals and the Woody Allen. this summer, take the risk to see a concert, see Yellowcard before they're forced to play "Yellow Ledbetter"

i'm thinking of the Chipotle quesadillas but they're so flat and a morsel. i need a big meal, a Wendy's midnight-bourbon burger...


Wednesday, May 12, 2021



Robin Williams: it's a lazy Sunday afternoon in the '80s. you're watching Channel 5. it's either gonna be the Oakland Athletics away-game versus the Giants or my film, Popeye from 1980. toot toot!

Deep Water Salvage: on tonight's episode, ATTACK OF THE LOG!!!

the Meraki trees have branches so long and skinny and stripped and drooping they sag onto the sidewalk as the kids make their way jumping over them in their galoshes onto the wet sidewalk to grade-school the doors slippery from rain:

Pat: i'm so nervous about my date with Gina.
Max Kellerman: no sweat it's raining.
Rosie O'Donnell: night movies are always fun. informative and educational not enjoyable. i want my first date to be on a spooky Friday night when a cool new flick about vampires or something hits. and werewolves. and maybe a girl with a plastic face.
Pat: i got my costume ready, i sewed it myself. 

Mardith: have you noticed the horoscope symbol for Cancer is 69?
Dirg: yeah cos it's cancer. as in cringe. Cancers get no goofy-sex to balance their diagnoses of cancer.

Kenny Mayne: in life it's either Into The Great Wide Open or feeling immeasurably terrified and scared-to-death at the prospect, the very-real scary-as-fuck prospect, that you have no idea what your future is going to be. you could be Depression-era homeless soon.

Jillian Clare: i got the Topple-Popple! my bodyshape is the original can! it tastes better than Zeke's spine wine!

Dirg: what woman refers to her man as her partner?

Dirg: Grammarly says my comic-strip sounds dour...

Madame Pons: as a nature photographer i'm obsessed with monkeys peeing. but also of them peeping.

MAMIHLAPINATAPAI opens a storefront up at the mall, they're a tiki hut for Cinco de Mayo. DAISY ROOTS opens up next to them, a boot shoppe.

Kurt Cobain: i'm bald.

Dirg: after the covid hell we've been through a Universal Studios ride is just lame now.

Lori Loughlin: i'm doing a local-theatre play in Idaho about a potato that saves a marriage in bed. a flock of 12 Sebastopol geese line the stage as my bridesmaids.

McLovin: all i wanted to do as a 17-year-old dumb person was listen to MF Doom forever. it got intense but thankfully it never reached the level where i needed to pilot a plane.

John Mulaney: i got sober just in time for the internet lobster craze.

Lorne Michaels welcomes Elon Musk into his office on a cold dreary night:

Lorne: sit down, Elon.
Elon: is something wrong? is it my golf swing? into your minivan? why does the weekly SNL wrap party take place in your office?
Lorne: i like Christmas sue me. look, Elon, i know what you're planning. you're gonna take advantage of my kindness and go out there and do something crazy when you're live on-air, you're gonna blurt out some secret dogecoin word or launch-code. son, don't do it. you'll ruin the lives of all Earthlings and art-kings if you do. more importantly your SAG-AFTRA card will have to be shredded in front of you.

Alex Moffat: my mom was with Andrew Dismukes's mom......and there were no metal suits or moms found, but i still believe in alchemy.

Laertus: Dirg, don't speak in AAVE until you learn the haves and the have-nots.
Dirg: but where's the SNL Dad Episode?

Olivia Rodrigo: i'm performing "drivers license" live on SNL and since i'm a Latina from the streets when it comes time for me to sing "fuck", what am i gonna do?...
Pete Davidson: instead of saying it act it out on my face.

Olivia Rodrigo: .........wait he was gay all along?!!!

Dirg: i've never had a tv that was actually suction-cupped-stuck onto the sidewall of my bedroom.

Eye Luggage: i'm not jealous of Jasmine Becket-Griffith, i just wish i had three names.

Andrew McCarthy: all i ever wanted to do in my career was win a topiary competition judged by Martha Stewart.

Laertus: don't reduce my script to a 3-to-6-minute read.

Dirg: *his arms on Laertus's shoulders* yeah! this is my friend, New York Times! dumb newspapers.

Sofia Kenin: nobody dropped dead, relax everybody.

Dirg: i got covid after i got the vaccine. i'm fine tho. really.

Stoke Newington: we're the Brooklyn of Britain.

Andy Roddick: that kind of sex is not fun for me. can i at least do the British version of The Office where Kate Winslet becomes an electro-guitar player?

George Lucas: i wanted the world to end in 2012 cos i didn't want to make any more damn prequels! 
Seth Rogen: why couldn't i do a Star Wars? i could have been a Giant Ewok.

Channing Tatum: sure is. my next role i'm adapting one of Philip K Dick's lesser-known works.

John Cameron Mitchell: so my next role is playing Doc Hammer.

Doc Hammer: i was at the bar in Popeye 1980!

Fuerza: i'll sleep when i'm dead.........which will never happen.

crones: we're gray. but gray divorce will never happen to us.

Codrus: why are there three paperclip emojis? does there really need to be 3 paperclip emojis?!

Madame Pons: my girls all share one trait across time and space the expanse of the universe and Instagram: they all have a huge phoenix tattoo on their back.

Gladyce: so Doryce dear, if i wash my clothes with too little water they become itchy, if i use too much water the machine floods.
Doryce: live naked. or dump your clothes in the river.

trashmen: we're taking the cracked-lid bin back with us. in case there are cracked dishes and Jesus- Cristo-knows what else, we'll have the FBI inspect it.

one of Madame Pons's girls: never thought being on American Idol would eventually land me selling the Ninja Foodi with Emeril.

Sabalenka: you don't have to shout, line-judge!!!

Gladyce: when i go shopping at The Store, i wear my Safeway T-shirt. now that's being a superfan!
Doryce: i can't park straight. in my old age i never get the thing between the lines anymore, that's why i need people to talk to my chest-lane.

Bryson DeChambeau: guys, with my immense brain-muscle i solved where the Malaysia Flight MH370 plane went.

Mardith: Dirg wants me to explain to him circadian rhythm. if i have to watch anime, it must only be Chronotype Trigger.

Michael Weiss wearing a foamrubber Bok'Gnar bodysuit for cosplay: Instagram is just the way for one to write a letter without the bottle.

David Foster Wallace: i was the dude all the white bros rallied around rooted for and cheered on before Elon Musk.

Doryce: in the morning you do NOT want to be smelling tilapia...

Flexible Robot: only the Battlestar Galactica babes.

Madame Pons: when i'm not around cos i'm helping another girl, i've assigned Isa Mazzei to help you with your cam cum, Mardith. listen to her, she's smart, she went to Berkeley, i just want you to be safe on your OnlyFans.

Bugs Bunny: eh, what's up, doc?
Daffy Duck: that ain't a carrot, that's an orange popsicle.

Walgreens On The Hill: we are deeply hurt you decided not to trust us, you didn't get your covid- vaccine shot-jab at our place.
Dirg: there are no vaccination booths at your house on the hill. just hills.
Walgreens On The Hill: you never call, you never write, you never cyber. you don't even come in for Vanquish anymore! for pizza soup anymore.
Laertus: you can do art on your receipts.

Laertus: wait, can you be a Democrat and like camping? i'm torn here.

Isner Injured: i'm injured. but don't worry, i'll crack the Top 30.

Mardith: Eostre, Ostara, it's all just Easter the way it should have been from the start, the Spring Festival untainted by man.

Dirg: you know those rap videos where they always say at the end

to be continued...

but then they never continue it.

Madame Pons: Takahashi is teaching me suminagashi.
Takahashi: it only works if you're working on the anime Uzumaki whilst wearing a baseball cap backwards on bare scraped knees in the asphalt tetherball circle and only if you use the okay symbol with your fingers to launch balls not revolutions.

Spongebob: but i don't wear ANY pants...

Madame Pons: company inhouse memo: for summer vacation all LUSHes will use their oil diffusers as air conditioners

Madame Pons: Philips Hue for spiral mood lighting, nobody wants to be outside in summer!!!

Dirg: when you've been talking to a girl on Instagram for 5 years and then that fateful Mother's Day post when she reveals her kids...

Henry Rollins: let's go!
Dirg: hold up, i'm reading these wriggly wiggly wavy lines of poetry on this Slurpee cup.
Henry Rollins: now!
Dirg: i know, i'm ordering on the 7-Eleven 7Now app.

Michael Weiss wearing kelp: you know how you know if she's single? if she posts videos of herself all the time, her husband is the one behind the camera. if all she posts are videos of the kelp in the ocean, she's single.

Eye Luggage: Popeye and go.

Robert Evans: the kid with the arms stays in the picture.

Robin Williams: those torpedo-arms i had to wear fucked me up! they were so damn heavy i couldn't fucking MOVE! not to mention the weight of the boat-anchor tattoo on those arms. they wanted me to DANCE for my supper! and the crew put tapioca pudding inside the arms for their lunch breaks, they ate me for lunch, just my arm. and for fuck sake WHY DID POPEYE HAVE TO BE BLIND IN ONE EYE!!! i had to do the ENTIRE damn film with one eye fucking closed! do you know how uncomfortable that is!!! at least give me a sex scene for my trouble!!!

Robert Altman: there's an open-secret misconception in Hollywood that somehow this was a bomb. it didn't bomb, in fact it made bank, it broke even and then some, we made money off this. the movie may be shit but it made a lasting impact: Popeye Village in Malta! visited by billions a day, the eternal moneymaker! STILL an attraction bigger than Disneyland, fuck you Disney.

Robin: why do you look like if Dali were a fat pirate?

local Malta locals: we don't want a settlement, we were here long before you! we don't want a permanent location we have our own permanent locations! we're just resident villagers who drink beer. we want to live in peace and figure out what it means to be human without tourists!!! 

Robert Evans: can you imagine if GILDA RADNER played Olive instead! Gilda would still be with us alive today if she did! it would have launched her film career the way it never really did for her goddess love her. not even with a spot of purple-taffy magic from the tophat man.

Shelley Duvall: but i was born to play Olive Oyl, Ebert & Siskel said so.

Robin: Dustin Hoffman? i don't see it. it would have been Rain Man the prequel. i played Popeye with a learning disability, not retarded.

Paul L Smith: it's Bluto, not Brutus, Brutus is stupid, Bluto is original, Brutus is just a Julius Caesar hack. he is a brute tho. i just want to talk about the movie, not the Israel-Palestine world-war, even in 1980.
Dennis Franz: i was up for the part of Bluto but i wasn't a heavy enough. wasn't fat yet.

Paul Dooley: remember when that beautiful blue water of our circular-coast set was brown that one  day? that wasn't pollution, that was my upchucking all those damn hamburgers i had to eat for this.

Ray Walston: how can i be threatening when my name literally is poop?

Roberta Maxwell: i'm Nan Oyl. but i'm really Kate McKinnon.

Donovan Scott: nobody remembers Castor Oyl. he's that guy that ends up a serial killer, every small town has one.

Sharon Kinney: i did the choreography. just cos there are dance numbers doesn't mean all the dancers are prostitutes, Bob Altman never seemed to grasp that.

Robin: why did you add all the whore stuff, Bob? i couldn't take my kids to see this!

Altman: what else are sailors gonna do? this is real-life not virtual reality.

Shelley: yeah! and what you made me do was not poetic! you made me sing the song "Large" to only you in your private bungalow office at night with the portal closed outside but not inside and none of the crew around. in nothing but a nightie!  

Popeye to the camera: kids, remember, there are no private auditions...

Altman: but that was Olive Oyl's nightie. i told you to use the carrot.

Shelley: i'll stick with my long cigarette thank you. i'll sic Jack Nicholson in the snow and ice on you!  

Robin: i had to chew on that damn corncob pipe the whole movie! at least make it pineapple so my cum will be good. that pipe tasted like day-old cigarettes from a tiki bar's fish tank. you didn't understand the character, i did innately. all of my ad-libs under my breath are amazing jumbles of wordplay, they speak to Popeye's hidden intelligence. like when i say

glum club instead of glee club

do you know how much work and research i did to craft each ad-lib just right just so so it'd be funny and make you go "huh" when you left the theatre?
Altman: but it's not in the script.

Max Kellerman: i will play Popeye, i'm an expert in Mad Libs.

Oxblood Oxheart: i later when on to sell frozen turkeys with Emeril. i was NOT in the Capitol riot.
Linda Hunt: recognize me? yeah it's me from that Mark Harmon show! my next role: Ruth Bader Ginsburg, the tiny lady-judge with the lace who's not Judge Judy. the first time Mark Harmon and i made love he couldn't find me in the bed but we saved it...

Takahashi: i'm not gonna hate on the special effects, i really like what they did here to try to emulate cartoons in real-life. the practical effects are creative and inspired for 1980, they MacGyvered everything.

Robin: we didn't even get angus steaks for craft service in that whole big island.

Takahashi: the boxing scene making the Popeye pipe spin. and that one scene down the hill where the acrobat loops and loops and loops down in a circle, that takes guts, that's a real human performance there, not one Adobe image.

Jack Mercer at the beginning: you'll see my voice later on in Who Framed Roger Rabbit...

Eye Luggage: always start with a warm group number. so this a musical, okay kids? got it. oh i love that ketchup bottle on the table, it's so nostalgic.

Robin: this was such a slog to get through. you could've at least let me smoke pot through that pipe, i'm from San Francisco for fuck sake.
Dirg: Popeye stopped smoking real tobacco in the cartoons cos cancel culture. 

Laertus: relax kids this isn't Waterworld.

Eye: i;m trying to think of other movies that are filmed totally within the boundaries of one set.

Laertus: back in the '80s both Democrats and Republicans hated taxes.

Popeye: i had a fever dream mi pappy was here. 
Wimpy: whatever you're smoking i want some. put that in your pipe and smoke it.
Popeye: that's good, did you come up with that?
Wimpy: the mob did when they came on Tuesday to my hotel on the hill to collect.
Wimpy: Commodore? is that a new video-game system?

Popeye: bullies? come on, Bluto is President cos he's a bully. you're seriously gonna bully me? have you seen my arms? they ana. pick on someone your own size. you're making fun of my stutter? the President of the United States has a stutter.

FDR: i was around during all these times, Popeye and Annie. 

Shelley Duvall: i swear to Athena if i have to do the Olive Oyl worried-moan every time i say a word one more time i'll show you what hysterical really is.

Tyzik: the townsfolk are dumb. they're turning their back on the greatest comedic genius of the past quarter-century.

Robin: my man Rubikon, right there. THIS SCENE. THIS is movie magic. see when Swee'Pea the baby says the word "baby"? great bit of improv from that little actor there, and i went with it, i improved my line and it was like being back on a standup stage.
Altman: aren't you gonna give me credit for that one? that was done in one take.

Olive Oyl: it's my number! and suddenly this becomes Singing In The Rain.
Eye Luggage: i love when you hero-fold your arms, girl.

Popeye: Swee'Pea is a gypsy? wait is it a she? does the baby have a tattoo of a map on his back? 
Wimpy: i need a fortuneteller.........just for more hamburgers.
Laertus's dad: i remember this scene distinctly watching it on my tv on Sunday in the '80s. i remember thinking i wanted a boy. why the mechanical horses tho? that seems dumb and tacky.
Altman: um, we couldn't rightly have REAL horses race on water now could we.

Robin: i only ate spinach and yams the whole time. i tried to lodge a complaint with the Better Business Bureau but we were on an island so my call didn't go through.

Poopdeck Pappy: ALL CHILDREN ARE SPOILED JERKS! ungrateful ingrates!.........i'm practicing my King Lear monologue for my next role... 

Robin: Scab Island, why did i cross that picket line! *hits head* stupid stupid stupid. 

Laertus's dad: i distinctly remember this scene in the water, Olive just her head coming out of that tuba boat pipe.
Shelley Duvall: i don't mind siting in all this freezing-cold water for days and nights on end. it's cold-training for my next role when i become an ice nymph...

Laertus: and inside the treasure chest?.........all the ALIMONY!

Dirg: IT'S THE GOONIES OCTOPUS!!! i'm an expert in this comic. this Popeye comic.

Bluto: next time i'll let Popeye starve to death...

Bluto: my next role: Wario.

Dirg: but where was Betty Boop? Linda Hunt as Betty Boop, perfect casting. g'night, folks.
Laertus: you okay, Robin? you seem sad.
Robin: i'm okay.
Altman: i invented the rave, the first rave was at Popeye Village.
Laertus: i wish the world was the tv show Shetland. quiet, peaceful, open-air, green. g'night, folks.

at the cinema Pat and Gina are all gussied up as Olive Oyl and...Olive Oyl, there was only red thread.

inside the theatre it's packed but normie:

Pat: i don't get it, why didn't anybody else dress up! this is the VERY FIRST time in cinema history a cartoon property is live-action!
Gina: nobody really knows what cosplay is.

Gina: i appreciate you vomiting all over the front-seat of my dress. it soaked through, everyone can see my bloomers.
Pat: sorry, i wanted to be strong for you. i ate 10 cans of spinach including the tin can, my tum-tum said nope. my stomach rejects you but i don't.
Gina: is that a torpedo in your pants or are you just happy to see me?
Pat: no it's my arm.

Robin Williams: should have gone with the original ending: Popeye gets his mighty strength not from some Last Airbender vegetables but from rubbing a duck's head. that duck is Howard the Duck, tie the properties together, tube it, freeze the eggs, g'night, folks, toot toot!

Monday, May 10, 2021


1. agree or disagree with "Rainy Days and Mondays always get me down":

agree. but that's a good thing. what art do you know that's good that wasn't about depression? on Mondays i eat lasagna.

2. what do you like to do on a rainy day?

write. but when it rains the power goes out and i can't write. i only shower naturally, i only shower when Mother Nature deems i should shower, when She decides to rain. on those special days i doff my monk robe, stand on the cracked sidewalk naked, tilt my head up, and open my mouth and only rains in California one day a year.

3. what do you refuse to spend money on?

bitcoin. but i will spend my life savings on an NFT of Elon Musk saying on SNL that Dogecoin is a hustle...

4. if money and practicality were not a problem, what would be the most interesting way for you to get around  town?

the DeLorean time machine. but only one that drives around town. imagine if you had a time machine but it would only transport you to places within the city limits of your one town and only in the present...

5. what is the most frustrating product you own?

my Flex Seal boat. i used up all the Flex Seal paste on my boat while the rain punched 22 leaky holes in my roof...

BONUS: if you could hack into any one computer, which computer would you choose?

Major Motoko Kusanagi's cyberbrain. so we can all see once and for all whether or not she's dating Demi Lovato...

Friday, May 7, 2021



* Erika Bratten: hello i'm the new weather girl.
Gina De Vecchio: but you're just Gina De Vecchio Junior.
Fuerza: when are EITHER of you gonna get married?!!! it's lonely at the top. when you're God people forget you exist, i haven't gotten flowers for Mother's Day in centuries!

* radio announcer: it's a sunny 78 degrees, not a cloud in the sky. or in your ethernet, get the fuck up go the fuck outside and get the fuck to work. Gum Globe, i'm giving you permission to be extra, you've earned it. splurge on that yacht...

* Not Too Distant Future: 2051. using the Mayan calendar. that was a great canceled show.

* dude: we can see people again? but how? do i kiss on the first date as a sign of our shared humanity? do we all immediately take a plane to India to help? i didn't bring my AXE products!

* on DM:
it's me!
wait which Alex are you? the man or the woman?

* i accidentally slipped my finger on my phone and deleted you. not my fault, my phone is covered in pizza grease!!!

* beard man: can i just yank this gold chain off to open my door?
shaved man with afro who looks like the Incubus bassist: yes, the landlord has no keys and is vacationing in Cancun.

* woman racing out of the building:
woman: wait i forgot how to put on a bra. do you put the bra under or over your clothes?
Meredith the Mindtaker: over...

* Boo-Boo Bear: NO FORNICATING IN THE PARK! do you want me to show you Gen Zers a show and return you to a time when adult swim was edgy and edgy meant something?

*  Adam Duritz: so are we making out or what?
Adam Duritz: *tear in his eye* i missed this.

* dude: the pandemic ain't over till i learn how to sing like Celine Dion.
Celine Dion: please join us for dinner, we're having meatloaf.
dude: please eat more, Celine, your fans are worried about you.

* weather women: okay we all chipped in to get you this.
Fuerza: Garbage Pail Kids Monopoly? i'm throwing this in the garbage. wait what else is in the bag? is that a Tom Brady Rookie Card?!!!
James Earl Jones: no, Darth Vader Rookie Card.

* Phoenix: this is one of those lazy afternoons where you jump up to your neighbor's roof in one jump, tell your neighbor you're on the Olympic Parkour Team, fold out a crisscross lounge-chair Tarantino-style, and smoke an entire pack of cigarillos as you listen to Dark Side of the Moon as you watch The Wizard of Oz on your watch.

* Elon Musk: you can't have a skit show if the entire cast hates your guts, that's not how skit comedy works, it's gotta be collaborative, gotta be an Instagram collab. they were trying to make me corpse every skit to sabotage me, they were that funny. so i'm not doing the show, i'm going back to twitter...

happy weekend, my babies


there's only ONE McDonalds in the whole area that's back open for indoor dining again! but that parking lot is a pain, i'm just gonna do the drivethru...  

Wednesday, May 5, 2021


Carolinus: writing that flows out of you is magic.

Dirg: cunnilingus?

DuckTales reboot: we had a better Huey, but we also had more hubris.

Pat and the gang are learning to skateboard on school grounds:

Pat: if i can skateboard, if i can do the slightest ollie, i'll be able to keep Gina.

Rosie O'Donnell: you can't keep girls.

Ryan Sheckler: i am a twinkle in the eye of one of the pleated girls playing hopscotch over there. i will become the youngest skateboard master of all time. but there are consequences. see i created videotaping my tricks with my handheld camcorder with the velcro for the handrest and it turned into something ugly. it turned into reality tv. i didn't date for 5 years!!!

Max Kellerman: did you eventually get married?

Ryan: yes but she sells seashells by the seashore so she's never home. never let em tell you otherwise: being a star sucks. being a YOUNG star sucks the suckiest. people confuse me for Justin Bieber all the time, no that was not me in the Hellmann's Best Foods mayonnaise commercial but i was a new man in Hell.

the crones at Jacques Pepin's kitchen table for a little youtube video his daughter camcords:

Doryce: i must say it is a RELIEF to get out of the house! cleaning up after Mardith is not a life. i love her but i had to say it. 

Jacques Pepin: people forget this all the time, NEVER BREAK THE SPAGHETTI IN HALF. put the spaghetti in WHOLE in your pot. AND ADD OIL. people add oil to the boiling water but they never add oil to the actual spaghetti on top after the meal is cooked.

LeBron: in Cloveland i can go to any bar i want.

Natick Mall: yeah yeah, Stranger Things, the glass elevator, LUSH. but WE GOT GNATS!!!

Tim Tebow saunters into Jaguars training camp sporting long blond locks of hair:

Tim Tebow: my minister would only allow Christian cartoons so i became a huge He-Man fan. 

Suzanne Somers: i'm the only gilf you'll need.

Palpatine: can i give you a hand with that?

Kurt Cobain: i am ashamed of my city right now.

Mark Zuckerberg: people hate me but what if brought back Robin Williams? i can do that you know. hand me that white cake...

Duff: i made the cake Belle Delphine used to smother and smear over her bare butt and skinny side during her Beauty and the Beast-table sex tape. 

Dirg: but who made the clear candy-cane buttplug? your Mystery Science Theater 3000-ripoff puppets?

Madame Pons: the buttplugs are crystal so they're from the fantasy realm.

Belle Delphine: any unused milk from The Flight of Dragons will become my used bathmilk.

Suzy Lu: do not confuse me with this wench.

Dirg: for your next scene?

Belle Delphine: there are no "scenes", this is all real life...

Gladyce: Doryce dear you cannot complain about Mardith's mess and trash around her computer station on her birthday.

Dirg: it's Mardith's birthday dinner you witch!

Dirg: the only thing i was thinking about today was to remember to wish Mardith a happy birthday, so i completely forgot to take out the trash.........and the recycling.

Mardith: you don't have to always be productive, i tell that to Dirg all the time.

Dirg: i got us a Do Not Disturb candle for your birthday.

Mardith: and i got you a Do Not Disturb I'm Already Disturbed candle.

The Edge: what's the fuss? there's a one-tree hill on one of my many sprawling Malibu estates. hey at least i'm not as bad as Bill Gates when it comes to land. 

Lisa Jakub: i opened up a burrito joint in San Francisco, it would have been a bigger seller in Popeye Village in Malta. and i married my best friend. everyone marries their best friend.

Madame Pons at the Kripalu yoga school: we're a dojo, which is basically public school. we want both gang members to come and heal.

Rae Dunn: i'm the Amy Tan of pottery.........cheugy? that's not cool.

Manhattan Mall: Batman and Woody Allen shop here.

Batman covers his eyes as he flies past Nintendo New York:

Batman: the cowl's not enough!

Coskun the screenager plans his grad party at the Marianas Trench Plate. only his girlfriend Pfingsten comes. with Pat's Pringles, the brand name changed.

Codrus: i'm setting up a new warmline, i call it TeenScreen...

Michael B Jordan: strangely i wasn't Jax in Mortal Kombat.........i was BORN to be Jax in Mortal Kombat.

Dirg: i didn't used to believe in evolution but then i started playing with Pokemon...

Mother Nature: on The Weather Channel, i'm a scientist.

Mardith: Dirg it's strange how you want me to interpret your lucid dreams when you're never lucid.

Takahashi: why does every anime hero chew on an alfalfa sprout?

Tamaki from Fire Force: i'm the first catgirl in anime history who's actually a cat!

Eren: i have a real head for won't be seeing me in 2022.

Gladyce: the only thing good about having a cracked lid over the recycle bin is you can just basketball the recyclables into the crack of the hole instead of having to lift that heavy lid.

AGNOTOLOGY is a new storefront opening up next to LUSH at the mall.

Michael Weiss in a purple wig: Instagram's like traffic parking, impatiently waiting for that notification tab to lift back up so you can squeeze in there and parallel-park.

Michael Weiss back on a college campus: i was roommates with Meg Griffin. that's the thing with Instagram, it's all hidden and secret, you don't know what others have in their DM, who they are talking to, which celebrities?

Doryce: Gladyce dear! Denny's got the green check again! indoor dining is back! time for silky syrup!!!

Gladyce: strange since this is a place for old people. Denny's is basically a nursing home for food.

Taylor Swift: hey if even I couldn't make Diet Coke cool young and hip, it's doomed.

LCSW: i'm not a masseuse.

Doryce: i did not sign up to be a garbageman......a garbagewoman maybe...

Madame Pons: wanna know what the real toxic board is? the Forever Alone board, leave that board immediately!!!

Mardith: yes, it keeps you tied to a board instead of trying to break free of boards.

Madame Pons: i'm getting into hogs. but only because i keep seeing that motorcycle emoji on Instagram.

koshary: we're better than Dunkin Donuts.

Quinnen: i was born inside a bell.

Terry Bradshaw: sorry about that. got a little old-man off-my-lawn heated there. i just wanted that tasty morsel from the Hunger Games or whatever for myself.

Mardith: so i'm watching the film tonight so all i'm having for dinner is popcorn, is that okay?

Doryce: yes but don't ask me.

Liv Lisa Fries: i was there when there still was a McDonalds in Obec. i was there when there still was a Pizza Factory in Obec. next to the Subway. sandwiches not the train station. and a hanging gardens of babylon next to Pizza Factory. 

Hisaye Yamamoto: i did what Amy Tan could never do: i explained the inherent impossibleness of the older Asian generation to communicate the deep feeling of the past to the younger Asian generation, except i did it in seventeen syllables.

Dirg: everyone's just tying to get by. whether you're in Jersey or Jordan everyone's trying to get into a soap opera.

Kenyatta: i don't use the word everybody.

Bill Gates up at the summit hang-gliding with Ann Winblad: so Ann, when will i get to be on Bob's Burgers?... 

Melinda Gates: no i'm not running Caitlyn Jenner's campaign as revenge. i won't be her shadow. i'm not home, the Dilbert towels at the Four Seasons are better threadcount and fluffiness than the ones at Xanadu 2.0.

Dirg: i almost told a waitress woman wearing a stormtrooper shirt at Taco Daughter "May the 4th be with you" instead of "Happy 4th". i stammered for 4 minutes, wanted to hide on an island in the moment. 

Takahashi: only YOU could be a dork amongst dorks.

Madame Pons uses a warding spell on Mardith before Mardith does her first cam...

Clarissa Ward: i'm like if your favorite doll from childhood you had tea with came to life to warn you as an adult.

Melissa Joan Hart: do not compare me with this fishmouthed wench.

Dirg: that shit was so hot my ipad-mini slipped off my fingers!

Takahashi: i'm mentoring a girl who does faceless wool earrings on Instagram. she is fed up with the cute guys hurriedly liking her pics quickly so they can get to the good stuff: the real prize, the kiwi skater babe with the big butt who's a mentor. 

Eye Luggage: what were we talking about again?

Woody Allen: whenever i'm feeling frazzled inside i think of my new mantra and the warm feelings flow back in me: that pic of me and Mira at the racetrack watching the horsies glide on air. and the headline of the article: 

When You're Smiling: Mighty Aphrodite at 25

Sydney Bromley: DRAGON SAUCE AT CHIPOTLE!!! i did an ad for them just this week...

Eye Luggage: The Flight of Dragons and go.

Laertus: sorry but i gotta take the mic here. this was my dad's all-time favorite film, animated or no. it fills him with such feeling and nostalgic tinge tingle. he saw it ONCE on a lazy Sunday afternoon in the '80s on Channel 5. back in the day there was no repeat, there was no internet, you had to have a superbrain to remember to VIDEOTAPE THIS ONE MOMENT IN TIME or you were shit out of luck. go to the black market to find the cassette along with the Star Wars Holiday Special.

Laertus's dad: the ending was the scene i held onto all through childhood, prescreen teenagedom, and into adulthood. the scene got hazy in my recollect but it never left me, it was of a man with glasses?... 

Jack Tripper: i know it's hard, i never wore glasses.

Laertus's dad: he goes to a sprawling-city curiosity shop on the corner, in exchange for a D&D-vibes board game. the seller behind the counter who has a suspiciously recognizable voice is aghast and shocked and i remember this one line of his crystal-clear:

where do you young people get this stuff?!!

Laertus's dad: the man has a sword not his penis and the beautiful blonde woman who comes in rings the hanging dingbell with her gold Wimbledon ladies trophy circle dish. and the two are crying cos they thought they'd never see each other again, the man had to return to the real world and the woman who was the elf princess was just a sex fantasy. but fuck real life, against all odds of fantasy and science they found each other again. i cried like the little boy i was, for 7 straight days, it was such a beautiful mystical gauzy ending that filled me with such hope and joy at such an early age, it made me a kid believe in magic. sorry for the language, gang.

Laertus: that's okay, dad, i see where i get it from.

Eye Luggage: thank you for sharing that, sir. i'm gonna use that at our wedding.

Mr. Furley: there is NOTHING like a '70s bar.

Tyzik: produced by the same people who did that snowman movie you watch every Christmas while slurping a Frosty from Wendy's. they do both kinds of animation, straight and clay.

Rubikon: yeah let's talk about the animation, it's in the style of the '80s, it's undeniable, it's like anime but American anime.

Takahashi: it's the John Wayne He-Man type of animation.

JRR Tolkien: rotoscope is for amateurs. everyone knows a dragon only has one weak spot: its underbelly.

Vermithrax: yeah thanks, you screwed dragonkind for all time! the earlier and earlier in time we go...

JRR: there's a couple of MY dragons in this cartoon...

James Earl Jones: THIS is why i did Star Wars. to land THIS!!! don't like how they bastardized the om meditation tho.

Harry Morgan: i'm that man from MASH that everyone glosses over. not the guy with glasses who had to leave Match Game 70 for the birth of his baby in a bunker.

Jack Tripper: for the record i'm not a dick, just a '70s playboy. i'm the friendliest guy who'd ever want to meet, i'll give you bike lessons, i'm The Kid.

Alexandra Stoddart: no i didn't do Teela. Venus Terzo, PLEASE leave Canada, i beg you!!! this princess is like if you place a milk wafer under your tongue.

Nellie Bellfower: ginger trim gets all the foxes. hey someone's gotta use the money Robin Hood steals for shoes. i WAS Ariel tho!!! just cos you're a voice actress don't make you a stripper.

Ed Peck: i donated my penis to science.

Jimmy Carter: i play a hobbit in this...

Laertus: i'm sorry but this heartbreakingly achingly beautiful song at the beginning here can't be Don McLean. this has GOTTA be Cat Stevens, right? or Jackson Browne or some such. this is too soul-searing to be as American as apple pie, this is about ancient European dormant feelings. of dungeons and dreams. i'm crying over and over again each day. i know these lyrics, i've lived these lyrics, in the bottom depths of my heart. i want dragons to be, dragons ARE real, dammit!!! the fantasy world IS the real world, dammit!!!

Eye Luggage: notice how the word flight here for dragons does not refer to spreading dinosaur wings and flying in the air, a GROUP of dragons is called a flight.

George Costanza: and a group of people is called a george.

Dirg: magic or science, you have to pick one, sadboy.

Laertus: Democrats are for magic.

Dirg: no they're the science cucks!

Laertus: Democrats are for imagination. the only thing magical Republicans ever do is when they lose elections.

Dirg: the Reagan Years were magical!

Carolinus: not from Greensboro, North Carolina. i'm from the medieval fantasy, i'm everywhere. 

Carolinus: we're gonna create an Other World Kingdom. it won't be awkward, it'll be away and separate from the world. we'll house it under a giant Trouble board-game bubble. 

Solarius: i'm constantly shown shirtless in my hot tub.

Lo Tae Zhao: want some tea? ironically i invented the rules for warfare but i'm for peace here. maybe i shoulda been the red wizard.

Ommadon: i got into black magic to meet crones. i thought the crones would be cute. man is so gullible, they actually thought they could use the atom bomb to power their electric cars. man was never meant for peace, they were designed for war, God told me Himself.

Fuerza: i stood him up on our first date, i was in super high heels at a Canadian nightclub and he tried to impress me by moving a cruise-ship through waves. 

Ommadon: what are you gonna say next, it's time for Garbage Pail Kids?

Carolinus: we can't fight amongst yourselves.........cos i'd kick yo ass, Ommadon!!!

Gorbash: don't hold my squeaky voice against me, i got bashed on the head repeatedly as a child. i like Tostitos.

Lo Tae Zhao: no i didn't steal the flute from Link and my tactics from Ganon!

Antiquity: wait the humans don't use our calendar? fuck humans, they're WAY too complicated! living is supposed to be easy: no jobs, living off the land, never a bill to pay. 
Carolinus: by the Beards of Antiquity!
Antiquity: more of a peachfuzz, i'm still a young 1000 years old peach tree.

Jack Tripper: excuse me, pawnbroker, do you know where Cheers is?
pawnbroker: Cheers? never heard of it. now Beane's of Boston i KNOW!
Jack Tripper: see the bone in my mouth as i hold this dog? the Regal Beagle please.
pawnbroker: no idea. kindly point me to the direction of get the fuck outta my store and let me have a mental-health day. i only barter babies and pickles.
Jack Tripper: how much for this board game i invented?
pawnbroker: you left university to make that? do your parents know about this? wait i got a hunch.........make this game piece a plumber instead...

Carolinus: like these large-ass die? they're like a blanket or a mop.
Jack Tripper: i'm gonna die? oh you mean the game pieces. when do i meet Kevin Garnett?

Carolinus: you want to fuck my daughter?
Jack Tripper: yes that's why i idealized her in the game.
Carolinus: i got bullied by some dwarfs. wear what the dwarfs wore, let me get a good look atcha...
Carolinus: Melisande is more like my ward, think of her as Swee'Pea but after she's grown, there are no pedos in Medieval times.
Jack Tripper: i just want to whisper in her ear...

Carolinus: who knew you could cure an ulcer with milk?
Max Kellerman: my milk card is so hole-punched it looks like a puzzle piece.
Melisande: that's great, father, but that's not an ulcer, that's cancer. as in cringe.

Dirg: talk about a self-gloss. the author inserts himself into his own story! isn't that like Rule #1 Of Writing never to break? it's Inception when the very book this is based on appears in the story! you ain't Neverending Story
Jack Tripper: so suddenly i'm inside a dragon. it's not as Seventies as you'd think. that dragon costume was heavy!

Smrgol: the author of this made it clear he wanted to find a SCIENTIFIC explanation for dragons, don't get it, the story works just fine as a fantasy. that's what stories are, you don't have to explain them, just have fun with them, escape with them. anyways, back to eating rocks...
Jack Tripper: i can breathe fire cos there's Thor's Thimble under my tongue, religious wafers hadn't been invented yet. Thor hid his knitting from the other warriors.

Sir Orrin Neville-Smythe: i am played by Jack's boss from the bistro. there are no pedos in Medieval times but i really want to fuck Melisande. oh well. knight's code of chivalry and all that, you were the better man, i wanted the big bifecta: a yellow and a red. if i had killed Ommadon's dragon with the rock there would be no story.

Orrin: sand murks live in women's vaginas.........away from their chastity belts.
Danielle: want me to belt you? i'm the best shot in the land, i can slide my arrow here into your peehole.

Eye Luggage: OMG! did you hear Melisande when she was under the trance as she was trying to divine-see where the landing party was on Earth? she blurts out to Carolinus,

i know you had my parents killed by the night demons! you wanted me all to yourself!

now THAT is the storyline i want explored in the prequel!!!

Orrin: i thought you died, wolf.
Aragh: argh, i get that a lot. just used some mouthwash. gets sandy vaginas out of your life. 
Orrin: the Princess? am i on desert ayahuasca again?

Danielle: damn elf! stop killing us! i won't let you be my chastity belt anymore! spoilers i'm whispering only in your ear: i'm really a toaster.

Dirg: love the stay at the tavern. i've had mead, it's just honey beer, i make it in my dorm, just pour beer over your Honey Nut Cheerios, that's my kinda craft beer. did you see that subtle scene? Good Knight Orrin and Danielle want to "retire" up to their rooms.........we know what that means, they were SJW-signaling there that they were fucking on that hay that night when the attack so rudely interrupted their grinding. and the dragon-claw hand came in entered their boudoir took Danielle naked and Orrin naked save his helmet over his dick.

Smrgol: why couldn't Bryagh have fought the ogre, HE was the Gilligan's Island fan!!!

Jack Tripper: i defeated the worm cos i read Dune the book not the movie and i celebrated Cinco de Mayo in Tijuana. i know about sulfuric acid cos i cosplayed as the Joker before Harley was a thing.

Dirg: impenetrability, whoever came up with that power playoff system should be fired, that's what created incels.


Jack: i just want one night in the Sleeping Beauty bed. i just want to see how soft the Serta Simmons mattress and veils are.

Carolinus: you're going off to college? i'll miss you, daughter, i'm not crying you're crying. here, take this crown as your chastity belt.

Laertus: this is the greatest educational film ever made. it sounds like it was written by a professor, many big-ass words. i'm drunk off mead right now. i'll have warm nostalgic memories of it forever. and now, it's off to my argosy not Jeff Bezos's yacht. g'night, folks.

at the Pacific Grove Forest McDonalds Jillian Clare and Anton Yelchin are getting married. she wears a flowing lithe see-through Lord of the Rings-elf white dress and he wears a beaver-costume tux.

Jillian Clare: elf white not white elf.

the couple hold hands as they hold the bouquet and look up cheekily with a twinkle in their eye.

Anton: a board of the roof is deliberately taken off so God can see what's going on, sanction this ceremony.

Jillian: dude i think you mean Forest God. my big butt bounds in this dress! 

Anton: my Saint Petersburg Portland Orthodox Church.

Pat: hey Gina you like my trick?

Gina: no it was dumb. you ollied and got yourself stuck way high in a McDonalds tree. 

Rosie O'Donnell: fries branches?

Max Kellerman: show-off.

Gina: i just realized i've been riding goofy my whole life...

Pat: that's why i love you uh like you but not in that way. wanna see a movie?

as the congregation looks on and looks up, sunshine does not crack through the open-air plank-shaped hole in the roof. instead, Ryan Sheckler uses that plank as his skateboard jumps up high in the sky and squeezes through into the inside of the McDonalds in the greatest board trick of all time. 


Monday, May 3, 2021



1. Friends=____

Reunion. but i want more. when i first heard of this i was sold there would be an actual revival series. you know with new episodes? not just a lame reunion show where everyone sits around a big couch eating teacakes reminiscing why Brad Pitt was the only one of their group to make it big. 

and after that let's do the Seinfeld and Wings reboots...

2. i'm done with ____

bitcoin. all my Instagram friends are bitcoin, i want REAL friends!!!

3. i'm ready for ____

this lockdown to continue for the rest of our lives

4. the oldest ____ i have is ____

the oldest advice i have is from Falkor:

Falkor: never give up and good luck will find you.

that has kept me from visiting the enchanted realms once or twice

5. take some ____, mix it all together and you have ____

take some Vanquish, mix it all together and you have Advil gel. i carry a mortar and pestle in my pocket and yes i am happy to see you.

BONUS: tonight i am looking forward to ____ and tomorrow i really want to ____

tonight i am looking forward to veggie cheeseburger on ciabatta, no tomatoes and four-cheese tortellini with extra tomatoes, one heated with a lightsaber, the other with photon torpedoes. how do you pronounce tomato? the same way you pronounce potato. we can't call the whole thing off, we ain't Bill Gates! we said forever, Nine Inch Nails "Ringfinger" and all that...

tomorrow i really want to FUCK!!!

Friday, April 30, 2021



* i wake up sleep still in my one eye, rubbing my newly-shaven head, blanket in my mouth. to the rumble of the trash trucks i later gathered. i spy through the slit of my curtains the three trucks gallant friends driving in a circle around each other like musketeers waving their rapiers. away from my place, just missing that empty spot of lawn where i put the 3 bins to be picked up. I FORGOT THE TRASH RECYCLING AND YARD WASTE!!! it was there and then that i knew what it felt like to be Beck and his last 10 albums.

* this is a Behind The Scenes of BTS.

* what would George Carlin say about Earth Day 2021?

* Gen Alpha: don't you DARE call us Gen BETA!!! we won't wait.........cos we literally can't wait or the entire human race will have to live on a space station above the Earth cos the planet will be uninhabitable. i mean who do you think's gonna clean up this mess!? you guys get to die, this is OUR future, our time, our life. the media says we're a stalled generation but wait till the lockdowns for climate change come, THEN we'll start manufacturing those online video games in a hurry.

* Waterworld scenario: all ocean. but there still has to be room for the windmills.

* BTS: we're not androgynous, we're Korean.

* scuba diver: we'll pick up the trash from the kelp.........and that phone you lost at the bottom of the ocean with all your revealing compromising nude shots.

* we had to do our greenhouse INSIDE. thanks, Boomers!

* we all use spraybottles. when we spray ourselves with water we turn into cats, this is evolution.

* humans will be drinking from bidons long after Biden's 8-year Roarin' Twenties.

* high fashion is now trashbag dresses. we have to turn the lights off FOREVER cos there's no more energy. sure it's less dangerous but don't you want to SEE your lover!

* can't grow peanuts anymore, this is brown candy that looks like peanuts, there's only candy to eat now. 

* there's still packing peanuts but nobody makes anything anymore so there's nothing to ship.

* you thought that was a couch. you thought that was Tom Cruise doing a skateboard trick. the couch is an illusion, everyone has been aboard a virtual-reality cruiseliner this whole time...

* the Earth has had so many earthquakes its plates are now visible from space.

* the only good news is robot police dogs have been reduced to light switches.

* hi, my name is Douglas. i look like a professor but i decided to get into the entertainment business. cos i wanted a quiet life in my twilight years. turns out EVERYBODY there's younger than me! i mean fuck me. i mean why can i only find work in the anime industry? i view art not as art but as competition. so i take these strange drugs that are slipped under my maildoor each month and try to get by. my only consolation is i got to marry Barbra Streisand.

happy weekend, my babies

TOMORROW: i finally saw that green check by In N Out Burger, indoor dining is back! and i won't go in cos i hate crowds!


there's a known agenda out there and Bill Gates is broke paying for it. The Lion King left a generation traumatized on the stoop. keep me in mind for sainthood. Amazon is Jeff's last name, he's sleeping with Burt for the bee honey. The Mandalorian is better without the only bad Gina who ever lived. meet me in the middle. Charlie Brown got a red tongue. only drink bourbon at midnight. helium makes you dynamic then gassy. there's a hidden stash of porn of essential quality if you want to be loved in this world, cos the only love that matters is masturbation. only you can rock your world. a king's fury is peanuts, the queen is highly motivated to seduce Spock with a soup and sandwich and fuck him to avoid the next pandemic, the Bourbonic Plague, which is what happened in the Roarin' Twenties when the booze ran out.  

red for roses