this is the Jake Winters of my discontent. see that's the thing. there are a lot of shows here that i WANT to talk about. and i KNOW these shows, they've presented themselves to me in ads or some darkweb thing where i found out about them. i'm into the more obscure, the better. i mean why should Tom Cruise get all the glory just cos he pays his dues to the church.
but when i go to write, i realize that i haven't actually seen these shows. i know about them, i'm sure i would be fast fans of them if i did watch them, i know how clever and edgy and cutthroat and avant-gardesque and indie they are, but i forgot to make time to actually watch them. major unheralded all-around deep EXTERNAL and INTERNAL together sigh. and explode from without.
Yin Yang Yo? or rather Yin Yang Yo! i had forgotten about those damn bunnies. the hentai of this became more famous than the show. busy bunnies indeed. You Bet Your Life, Groucho and that other guy were a great funny host. i remember that awkward reboot with the other guy and the parrot puppet popping up or down or something. awkward is a relative term.
YOU CAN'T DO THAT ON TELEVISION, CLICK HERE. THIS IS WHERE ALANIS GOT HER ANGER. ONE TIME IS FUNNY, MULTIPLE TIMES IS RECORD-PRODUCING
the one most egregious and hurts the most is YOUNG BLADES. remember PAX? what's Ion? it's set in Three Musketeersville and has the hot wench in the servant dress who surprises and swashbuckling horses and magic streams of water and everything else. i SHOULD be watching this, i should have it memorized, but i never actually did. i saw maybe the intro. i guess it was the whole PAX thing, i was in my atheist phase so religion was the devil.
anyway, look up Young Blades and let it cut you with a blunt round tip. and give you a 17th-century mustache ride.
The Young Indiana Jones Chronicles had all the hype and hoopla and cachet of Spielberg and a hot young cast and hot writers. the writers were hot, not just their work. all my class kids talked about it and wrote under-notes about it. i thought i saw it...........but i didn't. i went to SeaWorld that day instead. and got traumatized for life.
i know The Young Ones was a cultural phenomenon. i know it speaks to my punk roots. i know it's a guide to the modern-day chav. i think i need to get in the mood. i need to put on some Sex Pistols and hate Margaret Thatcher not cos she was a woman and dye my roots punk-color before i can prepare mentally to engage this show:
HERE ARE THE ONLY TWO BLOOPERS. IT'S AMAZING THEY COULD TELL THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN GOOD AND BAD SHOUTING
let's get to the good stuff. ZALMAN KING'S RED SHOE DIARIES. not the film, the show. who is Zalman King? some sleazy soft pornographer? nah, he's a cool guy who introduced romance into your dreary life.
this is Mulder but cool. this isn't frustrated Mulder, psychosomatic alien-masturbatory Mulder who lives alone in his D.C. apartment and his thoughts. this is your cool uncle who slips you Playboys in brown paper bags under your door when your folks aren't looking. he introduced you to JOAN SEVERANCE!!!
OMG remember Joan Severance? she was the queen of teh dream. she rattled your spleen and made it spit. prime cut of hot Houston hamhock. the Pirate Lass of Pussy. and she had such the perfect soft-core name, Joan Severance, like severe good looks and style and attitude.
CLICK HERE AND WET YOUR BASS WHISTLE
Safe Sex, gotta love it! or Safe Sax rather, see the pic above.
CLICK HERE. YOU ARE NOW ADDICTED TO PORN.
i remember this one specifically for the strange light beam from above on that mad-scientist chair that looks like an alien abduction. nice tie-in.
Jake Winters is sad over the suicide of his beloved Alex. btw anyone know the actress who played Alex? can't find it. i want to see if she did anything non-nude. so in an effort to try to comprehend Alex's unwieldy passion, Jake enlists help. along with his dog Stella, he paces back and forth on railroad tracks reading the letters he solicits (not that solicits) from women all over the globe who anonymously write about their trysts, motivations to fuck, losing their virginity in the wildest way possible in garages and greenhouses, and first loves, which you never truly get over. your first loves are always your best loves. you spend the rest of your life searching for what you had that first time, your only time. Stella was so cute. i don't remember what Stella looked like.
now the one episode i really want to see is "The Picnic", or whatever the last one is, true last one, series finale which explains everything. i want to go back and experience Jake's flashbacks with Alex to find out why the soft beauty leaning on a tree had such fucked-up parents that she felt the need to die.
Fox Duchovny (David Mulder?) wears a Columbo trenchcoat and looks like a newspaper man, it's classic.
CLICK HERE. YOU SHOULD BE SORRY FOR HAVING YOUR ACTORS HAVING TO ACT OVER POTHOLES.
i was on the cusp of lechery when i got into this show. or it got into me one day after baseball practice. still a newbie with cable, the cableman said i might be experiencing accidental channels cos the signals would cross over crowded Los Angeles. i sure did. i could move the bunny-ears one way and get snow, the other way and get the faint signal of the Playboy Channel and Red Shoes. i dare not wear red tennis shoes to tip my parents off. i remember i was alone one night and saw, heard more, the Playboy Call-In Line Show and two naked centerfolds wearing nothing but tinfoil bunny ears egging on a male call-in caller to think of them naked as he cummed into his boot. 11 years old. scarred. not even socks, man. never the same, i felt like a freak from then on. different, at the chokehold chained leash of my puerile desires. and JUST THEN is when i saw the alien chair...
NO PLEASE, I NEED A NAP, I CAN'T DANCE NO MORE
so what's it gonna be? where do you go from here? what are you gonna watch next? tv will always be there for you when your fickle frenemies aren't. your adult-swim imaginary friend. your TV pal and confidant. your lover. this is all the world you need. are you brave enough to walk the prank? be the target of some crazy kids? or are you more into the Puppy Super Bowl and Kevin Nealon? tv doesn't care, it will show you what's real, warts and all. it will rot every synapse of your brain till you're schizophrenic with samples and don't believe in anything anymore. except art. you will betray your beliefs and business meetings to catch an episode. you would rather watch a box than be the box. decompress and delineate and debate than date and dinner. did you know there are close to 500 different tv shows on right now? that's too many. what came first, you had no life so you turned to tv or tv gave you no life? in my case, yes. but one thing i know for certain: one day, when you least expect it, tv will save your life.
things i learned completing this challenge:
* i wanted to be famous...
* thank you for all the, sigh, love
* i actually did it! with no help! score one for the loners!
* Jane and the Dragon and 24 Hours in the ER. now you know. i can die happy.
* you don't have to go on vacation. simply miss work for a week.
* thank you for this test. i learned a lot. about myself. like i would rather be busy than bored...
CLICK HERE ONE LAST TIME FOR THE A TO Z CHALLENGE
now if you'll excuse me, my General Tso chicken is ready. i don't have time to eat it. better just eat the whole bag of seed sauce.................now i have a tummy ache. no fortune cookie for sobering bread? get that lollipop out my face!
oh, and when you're having a tough time and you're down in the gutter and your face is all rough dumps and you're feeling bad about yourself and you don't have time for self-care and you haven't made a memory that wasn't already in a tv script, remember that in life
ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END, CLICK HERE