Monday, August 13, 2012
TMIT: I REGRET...CREATING THIS BLOG
PIC 14, THE LAST PIC FROM ATOP, THE ONE RIGHT UP ABOVE THERE: that was my last chance to make a move on the cute redhead in my drama class last year, but for fuck sake i was dressed as a mongrel, now THAT'S regret, folks, i coulda been a contender if i were dressed as a unicorn.
when in the course of human events one finds himself stuck in a rut that he can't get out of, it 100% has to do with sex. for the male of the species, this feeling of doom consists of the failed pursuit of sex and the remedies he thinks of which will cure his insatiable need for fucking and cum with the babes 24/7. for the late phoenix of the species, this horrible feeling is further glued with tons and mounds of regret, regret for not making THE MOVE which would have negated the purpose and existence of this blog:
1. do you regret how you lost your virginity? whom would you have rather lost your cherry to? i'm saving myself for fellow virgin LOLO JONES, PIC 1 FROM ATOP
2. do you have one of those "yeah, i'm never gonna tell anyone what i just did forever ever throughout the rest of my life" incidents that you keep firmly in your back pocket? okay, well, i've never told anyone this before now, not even my God knows this about me, but i turned off the tv during the Olympics Closing Ceremony when that Phoenix came on, i couldn't take the shame of it, i was being upstaged, me, the greatest phoenix-based blogger of all time, by some bird structure that was being seen by trillions of people around the world all at once. the shame and regret nearly broke me...
3. do you regret having acted on a sexual impulse? yes, with a fellow blogger whom i had been friends with for years. we went out for awhile, we smiled at each other, we talked about the weather, then we fucked like rabbits on top of, y'know, one of those large trash bins which holds the week's trash for the garbage men to take on Tuesdays. well, of course we're dealing with bloggers here, so when her next post on her blog the next morning was entitled TRASH: PHOENIX SEX IN A NUTSHELL...we decided to just be friends again.
4. do you regret not having sex with someone? ummm, yes, well, everyone who knows me from way way back, like from three years ago, over the course of this blog and many deleted blogs previous remembers my story well on that subject, about me and the blonde drama student, the breaking of hearts, the sex that never was, i'm depressed enough as it is this morning so i'm not gonna rehash all that over again, i believe that entire story is in a long post somewhere here at this blog, you'll have to search for it, but you'll find it eventually if you search hard enough. oh, what could have been...*salty tears*
5. did you ever not ask someone out that you liked out of fear of rejection only to learn later that that person liked you and you missed a prime fucking opportunity? i live my entire life out of FEAR, all of my major life decisions are based on this emotive directive. i should live my life out of LOVE, that's what my self-help guru overcharges me to teach me. i'm getting better...no, i'm not...i hate my self-help guru...will you teach me about life?
6. do you regret having done a particular sex act? i once did anal on a girl without lubrication. we were out of the bottled stuff and the spit from my mouth just wasn't charging that day. she said she still liked it, liked that dry anal twist, but i'm still not sure, i think she was just trying to be polite. i'm so sorry, Sue, the monthly check's in the mail...
bonus: do you regret having told someone you love them? i tell a woman i love her the very second she shows the slightest interest in me, any random stranger woman on the street, if you laugh at one of my jokes, i love you. i'm currently single for some reason, have been single for some time...
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